A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."
I know two of you are really going to enjoy this chapter. And that's all I'll say about that. Happy Monday, all!
James entered the apartment to the sound of scrubbing from somewhere in the vicinity of the kitchen. Logan was cleaning, and probably to the degree he only resorted to when he was nervous or uptight about something.
James knew what he was worried about this time, and it made him feel like an asshole for taking off and leaving Logan to wonder if they were going to be okay.
He hung his keys on the rack he'd bought Logan as a one-month anniversary gift. Most would've thought it was lame or not special enough, but he knew Logan well and the happiness his boyfriend reacted with had been genuine. Only Logan would get that excited over a key rack made from a ruler, where each hook marked a two-inch gap.
There had of course been other gifts to go with that one. James now remembered he'd also treated Logan to dinner at the cheesecake place and even bought him a gift card for the brainy store at the mall. Logan had been so grateful there hadn't been a need to coax him into sex that night; it was one of those rare occasions when Logan seemed happy to do it.
Why were those occasions so rare, though? Why did it always feel like Logan was doing him a favor to make love to him? Shouldn't Logan do it because he wanted to? Because he needed it, too?
Kendall's advice came to mind. He hated it when Kendall was right, especially since Kendall usually was. He and Logan shared that annoying quality. But yes, Kendall had made a good point; he was never going to be satisfied until he admitted his needs to Logan.
One look at Logan as he turned into the kitchen killed all of James' determination. Logan was on his hands and knees scrubbing the grout between the tiles, for God's sake. He was wearing rubber gloves and...what the hell? Why were goggles necessary when cleaning?
Probably in case some of the soap flies up into his eyes. Jesus Christ, I could not love this man more.
It undid him. James knew he couldn't live without Logan in his life. He approached and laid a hand on Logan's shoulder, ready for the startled reaction when it came because Logan had been so into his work that he hadn't heard James come in. Or perhaps he'd been too lost in his thoughts.
"Hey."
Logan sat back on his heels and lifted the goggles to the top of his head. "Hey," he replied softly.
Neither knew what to say. What slipped out of James' mouth was, "Do you have any idea how adorable you are?"
"Oh, right now? Sure, I bet the goggles really sell it."
"You have no idea," James smiled. He got to his knees next to Logan, avoiding a nearby bucket of dirty water. Logan's eyes begged for it, so James leaned in to kiss his forehead.
"I'm sorry," Logan whispered.
"It was my fault. I'm sorry I took off like that. I shouldn't have gotten mad."
"No, it was me. You didn't do anything wrong."
Now it was James sitting back on his heels to look into Logan's eyes for the truth. "Are you sure?"
"Positive. I just...I don't know how to explain it."
"I don't know why, but last night felt different and I thought things had changed. I should've respected you and not gotten angry at you for being...you."
"James..." The goggles were removed, then the gloves, as Logan sighed and searched for the right words. "I know sometimes I'm not enough."
"No, you are, it's me who's not enough."
"No, babe, you're incredible. So much that the thought of losing you...of losing this...it incapacitates me."
James chuckled softly before sliding his fingertips through Logan's hair just above his ear. It was a gesture that he knew soothed his boyfriend. "No fair using big words in a fight."
"We're not fighting," Logan laughed, moving toward the arms he knew would embrace him. He stopped halfway, though, unsure. "Are we?"
"No." The shake of James' head was adamant about that. He dragged Logan in and held him tight, relief flooding him when Logan grabbed on eagerly. "None of that matters."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. This right here, this is all that matters. Just you and me. Nobody else."
Logan's eyes squeezed shut as if to keep in thoughts that wanted to escape through his mouth. Eventually he relaxed his hug enough to say, "I don't want to lose you."
"You're not going to. I'm right here."
Logan's mouth found James' neck, then his jaw, and finally his lips. The kiss was gentle yet fierce, a search for reassurance. "I don't know what I'd do without you, James. I really don't."
James pressed one more lingering peck to Logan's lips. "Not worth thinking about. We love each other and that's enough."
Logan nodded. "I think there's another showing of that movie, if you still wanted to go."
"Can we just stay home today? Watch one of your shows? Make dinner together?"
With a smile, Logan replied, "There's nothing else I'd rather do."
James could have wept with relief. Nothing could compare to this feeling of being loved and accepted. Not even sex.
He had everything he needed.
Kendall was almost dressed when his phone rang later that evening. He glanced at the display and considered ignoring it; now was not the time to listen to Logan gush about how much he loved James and they were okay and he'd been stupid to let himself get caught up in someone else, even for a night. He and James were meant to be together and...
Right, right, right, hearts and butterflies and all those things Kendall so desperately wanted but still hadn't found. Maybe tonight would be different. Maybe Cody would be the one.
Then again, hearing Logan talk about how devoted James was to him was exactly the boost Kendall needed. He answered the call just in time. "Hey."
"Hey, you got a few minutes?"
"Just that. I'm getting ready for a date, so you can talk to me while I do that."
"Oh! Anyone I know?"
"Nope, just someone I met online."
"I didn't know you did the online dating thing."
Oh, the things I could tell you about that. "Like I have the guts to pick up guys at a bar? Please. Are you guys okay?"
"Yeah. We talked things out and...we agreed that nothing matters except each other."
Kendall smirked as he finished tying his shoe. "So you told him about the other guy?"
"Well...no, I mean...there was no reason to bring that up. It was just temporary insanity."
"Was it? That stuff has to come from somewhere."
"No, James is perfect. He thinks it was the dressing up that got me in the mood, and I've decided he's right."
"Have you." Kendall rolled his eyes as he picked up the phone and carried it with him into the bathroom, leaving it on speaker to look into a mirror. "Well, whatever works for you two. If denial is it, you're set."
"Kendall." Now Logan sounded annoyed. Good, let him get angry. Because suddenly Kendall was ready to punch a wall. "There's no denial here. I'm sure that when I see Carlos tomorrow it'll be fine. I'm already over whatever that was last night."
"Good. Then there's nothing to worry about."
"Exactly."
"Except of course the fact that a complete stranger got you hotter than your own boyfriend ever has."
"That's not fair."
"Is it the truth?"
"It doesn't matter. I wasn't thinking clearly."
"Tell me one thing, Logan. How was the sex last night?"
"Excuse me?"
"James told me you were an animal once you got home. That you were aggressive for once. So was it as satisfying as you'd imagined it in your many fantasies of James?" Silence was his answer. "Surely you've had fantasies of him? I mean, what else would prompt you to act so unlike yourself?"
It was another beat before Logan spoke. "Why are you being like this? I called you to thank you for your advice this morning, and you're talking to me like you're...angry or something?"
Kendall sighed. Logan was right, he was being a dick, and it was because he was doing what he'd been trying to avoid—letting his feelings for James color his words. "I'm not angry, I just don't think it's healthy for the two of you to hide things from each other."
"He doesn't need to know about Carlos. It was nothing. And...wait, what is he hiding from me?"
More than you ever wanted to know. "The fact that he needs sex. He denies himself because he's terrified to push you away. He'd rather pretend it doesn't bother him than be honest and tell you the truth, that he goes crazy without it."
"He told you all this? Since when do you guys talk?"
"We talked a little at the dance last night." It wasn't a lie. "Look, I already told you that I don't want to get involved in your love life. That's between you and James. But if you two keep going on like this, like everything's fine when it's not, it's just gonna blow up again like it did this morning."
"That won't happen again. Everything is fine."
"Then there's nothing more to say. I'll see you guys at work."
"Kendall...are we okay?"
"Of course we are. I swear, Logan. Now no offense, but Cody will be here in about ten minutes and I'm still getting ready, so..."
"Right. Sorry. I'll let you go."
Hearing that Logan was still unsure of their footing, Kendall added, "We're doing Chinese. Maybe I'll bring you leftovers for a change."
The smile in that voice was unmistakable. "I won't say no to broccoli beef. What's even better is that James isn't a fan of that, so...more for us."
"It's a plan," Kendall laughed. "See you tomorrow."
"Bye. Have fun with Cody!"
"I'm hoping. Bye."
The scent of James reached Logan as he was ending the call. James always smelled so good after a shower.
"Who's Cody?"
Logan smiled as he stirred the sauce gently bubbling on the stove. "Kendall's date."
"Oh." There was a long pause before, "Some new guy?"
"Yeah. It makes me sad that he never gets a second date with any of them."
"Is that his choice or theirs?"
"His. He told me he's looking for something specific."
"Ah." James cleared his throat. "Alfredo tonight?"
"It sounded good." Logan spun around, James close enough to touch. "Unless you want something different?"
"Nope, it's perfect. Are you making that cheesy garlic bread, too?"
"I was thinking about it. Care to convince me?"
With a smirk, James answered, "While you're cooking? I thought that was against the rules."
"Maybe the rules are a little outdated."
Knowing better than to put any stock in that, because every time he started to believe things were changing he ended up devastated, James shrugged. "Rules are important. You always tell me that."
"They are," Logan agreed. He set down the wooden spoon he'd been using, then turned back to drag James closer by twisting a hand into his tank. James' breath caught. "But they can always be changed."
What James wanted to do was let go, to let his passion break free and consume Logan. His fear of pushing Logan too far again had him holding back, though, so that when Logan kissed him he kept it P.G. Logan seemed happy enough with that, and James was glad he'd restrained himself.
He would just have to be careful not to lose control again in the future, and everything would be fine.
Kendall didn't have to set an alarm this time. He probably wouldn't have anyway in his current frame of mind.
Talking to James right now was only going to make his depression worse.
Still, when the alert came through Kendall rolled over in bed and stared at his phone with longing. Like a magnet drawn to a steel pole, he was powerless to resist.
Kingofdiamonds: Are you awake?
Was he ever awake. He'd been lying in the dark for an hour attempting sleep and wishing for things he knew he would never have. Wishing even more that he could stop wanting them. And now here temptation was, in the form of a glowing display in his bedroom.
Rusherone: Yeah.
Kingofdiamonds: Is this a bad time?
Rusherone: Well, considering it's 3 A.M. and neither of us is sleeping, I would say so.
Kingofdiamonds: Would you rather I let you sleep? I understand if that's the case, I'm sure you have to work tomorrow or something.
He could just picture those sad, hesitant hazel eyes, so afraid to do anything to push people he cared about away. Strangers? No concern of James', he couldn't care less about them. But the few friends and loved ones he did have? His worst nightmare was upsetting them so much that they left and didn't come back.
Logan was right. James was so much more sensitive than he pretended to be.
With a groan of frustration, Kendall gave in.
Rusherone: I do, but I can't sleep anyway. Shall we meet up in our place?
Kingofdiamonds: Not a good idea tonight. Let's just stay where we are. Me in my living room, where I can pretend I was playing a game if I get caught out of bed. And you?
Rusherone: In my bed. Why is our happy place a bad idea? I thought it brought you peace.
Kingofdiamonds: It also brings me feelings I'm not allowed to have, and tonight I don't know if I can fight them.
Rusherone: That makes two of us. Did your boyfriend freeze you out again?
Kingofdiamonds: No. He actually initiated sex tonight. That's twice in a row.
Rusherone: That's great. Again I ask why you're here and not with him.
Kingofdiamonds: Because I'm annoyed as fuck and it's keeping me awake.
Rusherone: You're annoyed because he wanted sex? I thought that was the goal.
Kingofdiamonds: No, I'm annoyed because I got what I wanted and instead of being satisfied, I laid in bed after thinking about someone else. Getting jealous, actually. And what the fuck is wrong with me that I have the most amazing guy on the planet for a boyfriend but I'm still jealous that some asshole I can't stand went on a date tonight?
Kendall's heart raced fast enough that he sat up. His thoughts tumbled all over the place.
Rusherone: Who?
Kingofdiamonds: Who do you think? Stupid beautiful hot guy. Oh my god, I didn't tell you what happened today.
Kendall swallowed hard. James was jealous of his date with Cody? A smile briefly flitted across his face before he remembered that James' jealousy did him no good. It was never going to change.
Rusherone: With him? Did something happen with him?
Kingofdiamonds: Sort of. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend and I took off and ended up having breakfast with the hot guy's family. Long story, don't ask. But afterward I dropped him off and we talked and he forced me to admit that I have feelings for him. Which makes no sense AT ALL. How can I have feelings for this guy? We hardly talk, I make sure of that.
Rusherone: I guess sometimes you just know. Feelings don't have to make sense. I think they rarely do. So you and your boyfriend fought about what?
Kingofdiamonds: It was dumb. Remember how he was all hot for me last night?
Rusherone: Yeah. The party or something, right?
Kingofdiamonds: Right. I thought it would last. It didn't. Today he literally pushed me away in the middle of a blowjob.
Rusherone: He's fucking nuts. No sane person would do that.
Kingofdiamonds: Well, he did, and it hurt. It made me realize he's not going to change, and I got all stupid and sad because he doesn't want me.
Rusherone: Does he, though?
Kingofdiamonds: He says he does. And tonight he proved it.
Rusherone: So why the sudden change? Did he say?
Kingofdiamonds: No. We didn't really talk about it. Honestly I don't want to make waves. I just want things to stay the way they are.
Rusherone: If that was true, you wouldn't be talking to me right now.
Kingofdiamonds: Excuse me?
Rusherone: Come on, you admitted that even after sex with him you're still thinking of someone else. When are you going to face that he isn't enough for you?
Kingofdiamonds: Yes, he is.
Rusherone: No, he's not. I'm sorry, but you've told me what you want in a man. Not just the sex, not just the romance. You want it all. You're not getting it from him.
Kingofdiamonds: So what, I should just leave him? You sound like my fucking mother.
Rusherone: Your mother? She thinks you should leave him?
Kingofdiamonds: She thinks I'd be happier with someone else.
Rusherone: Why?
Kingofdiamonds: Because she's crazy. She's spent a total of three evenings with us since we started dating and apparently that makes her an expert on our relationship.
Rusherone: Does she like him?
Kingofdiamonds: Yeah. She likes him a lot. She just says he's not right for me. And that pisses me off.
Rusherone: Are you staying with him just to spite your mother?
Kingofdiamonds: NO! What part of I love him and he's my everything do you not understand?
Rusherone: Okay fine. I'm done. You're just going to keep ignoring what's right in front of your face until the day you die.
Kingofdiamonds: What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were my friend.
Rusherone: You want the truth? I'm jealous.
Kingofdiamonds: Of what?
Rusherone: Of him. I fell in love with you. I sit here listening to you talk about how unsatisfied you are, knowing that I can give you everything you need. But you're so scared to look at anyone else even though YOU GET JEALOUS OVER ANOTHER GUY DATING SOMEONE WHO ISN'T YOU. Doesn't that tell you something?
Kingofdiamonds: You're in love with me?
Rusherone: How many times have I said it? How many hearts do I have to send before you believe me? I tried to stay away, I lasted three months and dated other guys and prayed one of them would be what I need. I went out tonight with a new one, hoping this one might make me light up the way you do.
Kingofdiamonds: Did he?
Rusherone: No. It wasn't horrible, we had a nice time and I was so angry at myself for still wanting you that I fucked him. Even that wasn't bad. But I kept seeing your face and hearing your screams and instead of being satisfied when it was over, I just wanted to run home and talk to you. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend I was holding you. I just fucking want to be happy.
Kingofdiamonds: I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
Rusherone: I know. It's not your fault. I just wish you'd take a chance and look at what else is out there instead of staying in your safety zone with him. I think you use him like a security blanket and are terrified that no one else will love you.
Kingofdiamonds: I do love him.
Rusherone: And I'm sure he loves you. But there are different kinds of love.
Kingofdiamonds: I almost lost him once. Today, I came close again. I'm not going to take that chance.
Rusherone: Okay. Then you need to forget about the hot guy and forget about me, and just be with him.
Kingofdiamonds: Why can't we just be friends? Please don't leave me, I feel like that's what you're going to say and I can't lose you.
Rusherone: I don't think we know how to just be friends.
Kingofdiamonds: Of course we do. Our friendship was what we started with.
Rusherone: Fine. Then I'm the one who doesn't know how to just be friends.
Kingofdiamonds: You said last night you wanted this. That our friendship alone was that important to you. What changed?
Rusherone: You know, I think if you were happy with him, I could let it go and just be your friend.
Kingofdiamonds: I am! Why do you keep acting like he's not enough for me? He gives me everything I need!
Rusherone: You're on your hands and knees on the bed. My fingers are slick as I prepare you, and you want it so bad you're begging. I rub that spot that drives you wild and your head falls back. With my other hand I grab hold of your hair and tug, and you scream even louder because you're already about to come.
Kingofdiamonds: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
Rusherone: My fingers are gone but only long enough to get my dick into place. Now you're making these whining sounds, the same ones you made over the phone that had me on fire. I moan as I slide into home slowly, so slowly, and you shudder because if you don't get what you need soon you're going to die.
Kingofdiamonds: You swore you wouldn't do this. I'm deleting this app now. Nice knowing you.
Rusherone: You look back over your shoulder and give me the signal that you're ready. I make sure, and then it's on. No hesitation, no worry that I might hurt you because I know what you like and I know what you need. I'm pounding into you with abandon, so hard and fast that you can barely stay up on the mattress.
Kingofdiamonds: I'm going to shut down my phone now.
Rusherone: You hear me panting behind you, hear the sounds we make as our bodies slam together, and as your desire intensifies you have a harder time holding on. I fuck you so hard you fall forward onto the floor but I go with you and we don't stop. Once we land, I fuck you into the floor instead.
Kingofdiamonds: I'm never speaking to you again.
Rusherone: Your cock rubs just right over the carpet so that each thrust from me is like a stroke and you're so insane with lust you can't even think straight. All you know is you never want it to end.
Kingofdiamonds: Harder.
Rusherone: I fuck you harder and you're clawing at the carpet and screaming for me to never stop.
Kingofdiamonds: Faster. Fuck me so hard I pass out.
Rusherone: You don't pass out. You're awake through all of it, when I come you feel me explode inside of you and then you do the same. We don't care about the mess on the carpet. We don't care about what the neighbors might think. We don't care about anything. All that matters is that we're one and we're joined and I'm never leaving you.
There was a very long pause before the next reply.
Kingofdiamonds: Goodbye.
Rusherone: I'm not done yet. I'm still on top of you, pinning you to the floor while our hearts try to slow down. One hand reaches up for yours and our fingers intertwine. My other hand reaches under the mattress, where I stashed something earlier. I take it and reach for your hand, slipping the ring onto your finger while I whisper that it's a symbol of my love for you, which has no end. I tell you that nothing will ever feel like this and no one could ever compare to you, that we're meant to be together forever. I ask you to marry me. And you say...
"James?"
Lying on his stomach on the sofa, James started so violently that the phone slipped from his grip and tumbled to the carpet; he reached down immediately to pick it up and slip it under a pillow cushion. "Sorry, did I wake you?"
"No, I just woke up alone and was concerned. Are you okay? You're flushed."
"I...got hot. Came out here."
Logan came close enough to lay a hand against James' forehead. "You're feverish. Go back to bed and I'll bring you some Tylenol."
"I'm okay."
"Don't argue with me. Go."
The problem was that James didn't think he could stand up without Logan seeing the large wet spot that was surely spread across the crotch of his boxer briefs. Oh god, what if it had seeped into the cushion? "Okay. Can you bring me some milk, too?"
"I'm not sure chocolate is what you should be drinking right now."
But it would keep Logan in the kitchen long enough to make a run for it. "Please? It always settles my stomach."
"Okay." Logan leaned down to kiss James' forehead. "I hope you aren't coming down with something."
"I'll be fine. Thanks, babe."
"Go on."
"Okay."
James slid off the couch the moment Logan was gone, relieved to see the couch was still pristine. He ran for the bathroom with his phone, stopping along the way for fresh boxers. Logan would no doubt see the stained ones when he did laundry, but that was easy to explain; Logan knew he sometimes got in the mood and took care of himself.
Once closed away in the tiny room, James dared to look at his phone. There was nothing more from Rush. He couldn't think about it right now, couldn't think about any of it. His feelings made no sense and he didn't want to explore them. It was best to just forget all of this had ever happened.
Thirty minutes later he was snuggled up in bed with Logan's even breathing against his chest. His mind was elsewhere, though, as he surrendered to the vision Rush had brought to mind. Rush's hand was holding his, a thumb caressing the ring while they kissed in a way James had only experienced once before in his life.
And fuck Kendall for once again being the perfect stand-in for this beautiful, if immoral, moment.