Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to "Big Time Rush."

As always, I thank you for reading. :)

James was staring off into space when Logan laid a hand on his shoulder. "You feeling sick again?"

"What? No. No, I'm fine. Thanks," he said as Logan set down a plate of pizza in front of him.

"You're not fine, something's definitely going on. Talk to me."

"This isn't the place. And everyone else will be here any second so we can't talk anyway."

"Fine, but when we get home, we're blocking out the world and just talking. I'm gonna go heat this up. I promised Carlos a slice."

Carlos? When had he talked to Carlos? James' head hurt too much to try to figure it out. He could barely even think past the conversation he'd had with Lucy less than an hour ago. She could say what she wanted about his love life, but she didn't understand.

"Hey."

James looked up at the hesitant smile, recalling that Lucy had mentioned Carlos was nervous about making friends. He'd seemed quiet in the equipment room, though since they'd all been counting ballots James hadn't read too much into it. "Hey." He gestured toward the empty seats.

"Does it matter where?"

"Not really, just not this one because Logan's sitting here. The other two should be here...oh wait, Lucy's texting me." James opened his phone and read the words, dread settling into his stomach.

"Hey I'm meeting with Kendall to talk so we won't be there. Be nice to Carlos."

"Actually, they're not coming. Sit wherever you'd like."

"Carlos! Here you go, one slice of pepperoni and sausage, just like I promised."

"Thanks," Carlos smiled, sitting where Logan set the plate down on the other side of the table. "I brought a sandwich but this is so much better."

"I'd offer you more but Kendall might not like that."

James spoke up. "Kendall's not coming. He and Lucy are apparently in a meeting."

"A meeting? At lunch? What could they possibly have to talk about at lunch?"

James thought he might know, and the prospect made him panicky. He picked up his phone again to send a text back.

"You'd better not tell him anything I said to you. I trusted you with my secrets."

"Relax, I need advice about Jo. We're not even talking about you."

Well, that helped a little. A third slice of pizza was plopped down on top of the two he already had, then he watched Logan offer Carlos a second one. Kendall's loss.

"So Carlos, how's the Skyliner coming?"

"Great! We focused on the doors today, and next period my advanced class is going to start building a new engine for it."

"What kind did you settle on?"

As Carlos answered, James tuned the conversation out. He couldn't really focus anyway, especially when they started using technical terms that he'd had no idea Logan knew. It felt like there were too many things to think about, like his life had become a puzzle that he didn't know how to put together. Every time he looked at Logan, he couldn't imagine walking away from that. Logan always knew what he needed. Today was a perfect example, as Logan had read him well enough to know something was wrong. Twice.

Then again, when it had to do with sex, Logan seemed to turn a blind eye to his suffering. How was it that Logan could take one look at him and know when he was upset, but in the bedroom be completely oblivious to what James was thinking? James did try to hide his desire when he knew Logan wasn't in the mood, yet he also tried to hide everything else without success. Why was he only successful in hiding things that had to do with sex?

Because he does see it, he just doesn't want to deal with it. Or talk about it. Or even think about it. He doesn't want it, James.

That wasn't totally true, though. The past two nights, he'd seemed to want it. For sure Saturday night, he'd not let up until he was satisfied. Even last night he'd initiated it, and yet...

It was different. Like he was doing it because...

Because he knew I wanted it. But he enjoyed it, I know he did, he closed his eyes the whole time and just felt it and he was into it.

A giggle broke into James' thoughts, the sound so foreign from Logan's mouth that James wasn't sure at first it had come from there. Carlos was laughing, too, and Logan was so amused he had to cover his mouth with a napkin to keep food from flying out.

"Stop it, I'm going to spit pizza everywhere!"

"You know it's true!" Carlos grinned.

Suddenly it felt like Kendall and Logan all over again. James remembered that week where he was the outsider among them, but it made sense in that case. They'd been dating. This was nothing like that. It was...

"You know how he is with new guys, always making sure we feel welcome."

It was Kendall who had said that. James remembered how the comment had sent him into a panic that night, the fear that Logan might shift his focus to Carlos practically paralyzing him. He was the one dating Logan now, there was no reason to feel like the outsider.

"What did I miss?" James tried.

"Oh, sorry," Logan chuckled. "Just auto humor. You wouldn't get it."

"Well, since we're on the subject, I'm surprised that you get it. Why didn't you ever tell me you were into cars?"

"I told you Saturday night."

"Okay but to this degree? How is that not something we've ever discussed?"

"I don't know," Logan mumbled, gaze going down to his plate. "Not something I talk about."

Yet he seemed fine to talk about it with Carlos. And James was totally overreacting about this, wasn't he?

He was a mess. The last place he needed to be right now was around Logan because he already knew he'd start a fight. "Listen, guys, I'm gonna head back to class. There were some songs I wanted to practice before next period."

Logan's face showed his concern, and at least there was still that, right? "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah. See you after school. Carlos, good to see you."

"You, too."

James reached back for the pizza he'd barely touched. If he was going to fight with someone, he knew exactly who he needed to be around.

Carlos seemed to grow quieter once James left, so much that it was no surprise when he announced five minutes later that he also needed to get back to class. Logan was disappointed anyway.

"Can I walk you over there?"

After a brief inner debate, Carlos shrugged. "Sure. I need to say some things, so that's probably a good idea."

They cleaned up the remains of their lunches and headed toward the shop building, Logan's hands in his pockets as they walked next to each other. "Was it James? Did he make you feel unwelcome?"

"No, nothing like that. He was nice."

"Good. Sometimes that isn't the case."

Carlos waited until they were outdoors to admit, "I think I would've rather he was a dick, honestly. I felt guilty sitting there knowing I'd kissed you and..."

"And what?"

"That I wanted to do it again. I was wrong, Logan. I can't just be your friend. Every time I look at you, I remember that kiss and I know it didn't mean anything to you, but to me it was—"

"Hold that thought."

They continued on in silence, Logan holding the shop door open for Carlos and relieved to find the place empty. Once positive they weren't being watched, Logan stepped close enough to Carlos that he backed up against the wall because he didn't trust himself.

"Look," Logan started. "I'm in a really weird place right now. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was happy. You kissed me and suddenly it felt like everything I knew was a lie. It did mean something to me. What I don't know is what I should do about it. Or if I should do anything at all."

"He doesn't know?"

"No. It would devastate him. And that's why I'm so..." Logan sighed and closed his eyes, wondering how to explain it. "If I leave him, he'll fall apart. I thought that what I was feeling for you would be over by today, that it was..."

"Temporary insanity?" Carlos joked, remembering Logan using that term for their stolen moment.

"Actually, yes. I wanted that to be the case."

Carlos bit his lip, stretching his hand close enough to slide a finger under Logan's sweater. Even through the tee he wore underneath Logan felt the teasing touch and whimpered, his head falling forward onto Carlos' shoulder. "It doesn't feel like that when he touches me," Logan whispered. "I didn't even know that existed."

"I didn't either."

Logan whimpered again when Carlos tugged on the material so that the t-shirt pulled free from the waistband of Logan's jeans. Now it was three fingers, gliding across his bare abdomen in a gesture that should've tickled. Instead it set off a wave of shudders in Logan so that he pressed his body closer until Carlos was trapped. "I'm crazy. This is crazy. I don't even know you."

As true as the words might've been, they weren't enough to keep his curiosity in check. He just needed to know if what he was feeling was real or all in his head. He dove in for a desperate kiss, Carlos whining before returning the move with equal passion and grabbing Logan's hips to keep him in place. Soon enough those hands moved to Logan's ass, using it as leverage while they rutted into each other.

"Oh god," Logan moaned, so many sensations running through him he didn't know how to contain them all. Nothing had ever felt like this. It was wrong, he knew that, but he couldn't seem to stop. For the first time, Logan's brain wasn't in control of his actions.

And he liked it.

It was Carlos who ended it this time, somehow finding the strength to push Logan away.

"I'm sorry," Logan grated. "Oh my god, that was all me, I'm so sorry."

"No, it wasn't all you, I only stopped because I was about to lose it. Neither of us can afford to be caught with our pants down in a classroom."

"Holy shit. I'm the one who says things like that. I'm the one who won't even kiss someone at school. What the fuck is happening to me?"

"I don't really know," Carlos breathed, trying to calm down. He reached out to cup the prominent bulge in Logan's jeans and added, "But I want more of it. So please, Logan. Do us both a favor and stay away."

Logan thrusted forward into the grip, unable to help himself. The hand tightened and he moaned again, his head falling back while his hips kept up a slow rhythm.

"Fuck, you're so hot," Carlos whispered. "There's no way I can keep my hands off of you. I mean it. Don't come near me unless..." Logan's breathing changed and his hips sped up. "Shit. Shit, Logan, don't...fuck, how am I supposed to fight this?"

Logan was beyond thought. Carlos' hand on him was all that mattered, those fingers kneading him just right. Just a few more strokes and he'd be there. A bell rang overhead and Carlos gasped, about to pull away but Logan reached down to keep his hand in place because he wasn't finished yet. So close, he was so close.

Logan's orgasm swept through him with enough power that he had trouble standing through it. A hand over his mouth kept in the whines that tried to break free, Carlos unable to look away from that normally-composed face losing all semblance of control. It was almost enough to send him over the edge by itself. "Jesus," he breathed, finally letting go with both hands and more than a little shaky as Logan backed away.

The door banged open and Carlos panicked, but Logan didn't seem worried at all. Without a word, he lifted the sweater over his head and tied the sleeves around his waist so that they hung over his crotch. And damn if he didn't look even sexier in just a t-shirt with his eyes slightly glazed over.

"So anything you can do to encourage Adam in his studies would be much appreciated, Carlos. I know you haven't been here long, but he speaks highly of you and any advice you could give him would be taken to heart. He's in danger of failing my class. Remind him that math is necessary even in the auto world."

Adam? What the fuck was Logan rambling on about? Carlos could barely form thoughts after that. "You got it. I'll have a talk with him."

"Thank you. Maybe we can meet up later to discuss Alex."

"We'll uh...we'll see. You're gonna be late to class."

An almost-hysterical laugh broke free from Logan. "Oh my god, you're right. I need to go. Thanks for the talk."

"Yeah. It was..."

Carlos didn't need to finish the sentence. Logan smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Bye."

"See ya."

As Logan waltzed out the door amid a group of students coming in, Carlos had no idea if that was true. All he knew was that there was no way he'd ever forget the man or what had just happened.

Lucy refused to tell Kendall anything on the walk to the car. Instead, they spent it discussing his date the night before and her trip with Jo to the mountains while she managed a few texts. It was all well and good, but he knew she was dying to have her say about something so as soon as they were closed inside her vehicle, he turned to her. "Okay, what's the big secret?"

His answer was a smack to the face from her purse.

"Um...OW. What the fuck, Lucy?"

"You dare to ask me that? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Another whack, this time to his left cheek. "Stop hitting me, Jesus! What are you so upset about?"

"You asked him to marry you?! Are you fucking insane?!"

"Oh god." Kendall hid his face in his hands, both in embarrassment and to ward off any more attacks from her handbag. "He told you?"

"Of course he told me! He's freaking out, what did you expect would come from that?"

"I don't know, that he'd wake the fuck up and realize he isn't happy?! I lost control, okay? He just kept telling me how happy he was and I knew it was a lie, I knew he was fooling himself, so I needed to show him. I needed him to face it." When she shook her head, his explanation obviously not enough, he added, "You said the same thing!"

"I didn't tell you to destroy his sanity! He sat in my office today and told me he's in love with three people and it's making him crazy!"

Kendall blinked. "Three people? Three?"

"Three," she confirmed. "You are included in that. He finally told me everything, about Rush and about you and he's still terrified to leave Logan but you really threw him for a loop with that proposal. He isn't even sure you actually meant it. You didn't, right?"

"I..." Kendall couldn't meet her eyes.

"Oh my god. You can't be serious right now. You've only known him for three months!"

"I love him, Lucy! Don't you think I've tried to stop? Why do you think I go out on dates so often like a pathetically desperate person? I'm trying to get over him. Nothing works!"

"So, what? Instead you're going to ruin his relationship?"

"You agreed they don't belong together!"

"That's not the way to break them up! They need to come to that decision on their own!"

"And you and I both know James never will unless he thinks he has someone else to jump to. He needs to be loved. He needs to be accepted. He needs to know that someone wants him badly enough to actually stay with him forever. That's all I was trying to do."

Lucy closed her eyes and leaned back against the window, drained. "He's confused, Kendall. I've never seen him so close to actually considering leaving Logan."

"And why do you think that is? Because someone finally forced him to open his eyes. Hit me all you want, but you know I'm right. Did he tell you what happened last night? Before I asked him to marry me?"

"Not really. I didn't ask, that's between you two."

"He kept trying to leave. Trying to walk away from what I was saying."

"Oh, he did say that. Said he couldn't because..."

"Because why?" Kendall needed to know.

"Because you were saying everything he'd always wanted to hear. Then he broke down crying and asked me why Logan never says those things."

"Oh, James," Kendall sighed. "Did you hug him? That's what he needed right then."

"I did," she nodded. "I let him cry for awhile. Told him that there's a reason and that it's because Logan isn't right for him."

"Did it get through to him at all?"

"I think so."

"Then why are you mad at me?"

"Because you know how he is. He got his hopes up over Logan with the sex, and when that didn't work out he was devastated. Imagine what would happen if he took your proposal seriously and then you said, 'Oh sorry, that wasn't sincere. I was just making a point.' You have to think before you speak, Kendall."

"It was in the moment. I got caught up in the vision of what it would be like with him and then said what I was feeling in that moment. The truth is that's something I would do."

"Okay, but after three months?"

"Lucy, I was ready to do that after three days." She lifted a disbelieving eyebrow. "Okay, maybe five. But my point stands. I want marriage. So does he. Why wait?"

"Because you hardly know each other."

"We know the things that count. We have so much in common. He doesn't see me as I am now, this weak, pathetic has-been."

Her face fell. "Kendall, you know that's not true. You're so much more than that."

"When he looks at me, he sees me as I was. He sees me whole." When Lucy had nothing to say to that, he added, "I went back and watched all his performances, you know."

"When?"

"After he and Logan got together. I saw them through new eyes, noticed things I hadn't before. He's so desperate to be loved and accepted, and I want to give him that. I want to give him forever. I want to give him everything. I just want him to be happy. He won't be without that security and devotion."

"He has that with Logan."

"Well, Logan's failing him in other areas. And I don't believe he does have that devotion with Logan. I think Logan's doubting everything and falling for Carlos. Where does that leave James?"

"Right where you want him, apparently."

"Stop. I'm not happy about his suffering."

"Kendall..." Lucy didn't know how to continue.

"I know what you're gonna say. What he needs most right now is a friend, someone to help him figure out what he wants."

"No, I think he knows what he wants. He sounds pretty convinced that Rush is exactly what he needs."

A smile broke across Kendall's face. "Yeah?"

"Yes. But that just leaves you in another predicament. How do you think he'll react when he realizes you're the same person and you've been lying to him all this time?"

"I'm not worried about it."

"You should be."

"Nope. He can't stay mad at me. He's in love with me. We don't know how to stay away from each other."

Seeing the happiness those truths brought about in Kendall, Lucy cautioned, "This might all backfire, you know. Don't get your hopes up because we know that the closer James gets to waking up and facing his feelings, the faster he runs back to Logan because they terrify him."

Kendall shrugged. "Then I just have to hope your theory is right and Logan faces the reality that they aren't meant to be together."

"Which you think will have James running straight into Rush's arms."

"Hoping. I don't really have any expectations. I'm just...hoping."

"Well, I don't know about Rush, but it looks like he's heading for you at least."

"What do you mean?"

She nodded toward the windshield. Kendall glanced over to see James approaching with a plate. "What the hell? Why isn't he with Logan?"

"Ask him. This is my cue to leave. And tell him you're Rush!" she hissed.

"Lucy, don't—"

She shoved the car door open and greeted James with a smile. "Hey, stud! Is that for me?"

"It's for Kendall, actually. Logan—"

"Thanks! I'll eat it on the way back to the office. Lock up my car, boys!"

Before James could stop her, she'd snagged the plate of pizza from him and stalked off. Kendall rolled his eyes and called out, "Just let her go. And get in."

"Don't tell me what to do."

Kendall smirked. James was in a fiery mood. Fuck yes, bring it on. "Get in the car before I bend you over the hood and fuck you in front of the entire school."

James almost stumbled. Mortified, he slid behind the wheel and slammed the door shut. "What is wrong with you?"

"I knew it would get you in the car," Kendall grinned. He turned his body so that he could face James. "So Logan sent you out here with my lunch?"

"No, I left. Went to find you guys in Lucy's office but that was empty, so I figured you were here."

"Why did you leave?"

"I was pissed off."

Ah. "Carlos?"

"Not really. He was nice."

"Logan then?"

"I don't know. I was just really irritated and almost started a fight with Logan, so I figured if I was determined to start a fight with someone, I should find you."

Pleased, Kendall smirked again. "I'm flattered. And oddly stimulated. Take your best shot."

James opened his mouth, searching for something to say; words never made it out. Instead, Kendall watched his entire demeanor change as his face fell and his bottom lip started to tremble.

It wasn't a fight James needed. Kendall reached across James to pop the master lock so that all the doors were unlocked. "Back seat. Now."

"What?"

"Just go. I'll be a gentleman, I promise."

Kendall beat James to it, using the time alone to make himself comfortable so that when James did open the door, it was to the sight of Kendall sprawled out as much as he was able. "I'm not making out with you."

Kendall opened his arms. Longing filled James' hazel eyes, which were beginning to swim. "I'm here," Kendall invited softly.

That was all it took. James awkwardly slid onto the seat, trying to avoid Kendall's legs while he closed the back door, then he stretched out over Kendall, who wrapped him up in a comforting embrace.

"Can we just..."

"Of course," Kendall whispered, kissing James' forehead. "Anything you want."

Of the ten minutes remaining until the lunch period ended, James spent half of it crying into Kendall's shirt while Kendall caressed his arms and back soothingly. For the rest of it they laid together in silence, James with his eyes closed while Kendall occasionally pressed a kiss to his hair. James could feel Kendall's heartbeat against his cheek, and it brought him temporary peace.

When Lucy showed up in the drama department just before the final bell rang, James' stomach dropped. He'd been uneasy and full of dread the entire afternoon for no reason, just a feeling that his world was about to implode. Somehow Lucy's presence seemed to cement that.

"Hey," she started, approaching once the students had been dismissed. "So Logan asked me to give you a lift home."

James swallowed hard, looking around and waiting until they were alone to reply. His body was flashing hot and cold as if he had a fever. "Is he mad at me for some reason?"

"No, he just ended up leaving after lunch. Got a sub for the rest of the day and went home."

Now his body felt like pure ice. "He didn't tell me that."

"All I know is that he needed time to think. That's what the text said." As if she knew the statement affected him like a knife to the heart, she took his hand and gently pulled him toward the exit. "You need to grab anything?"

"No," he whispered. A full-fledged panic attack was coming on. He wanted to ask questions, wanted to scream, wanted to run. Instead he silently let Lucy lead him to the parking lot, keeping his head down and focusing on just walking and breathing.

Once in the car, she asked, "You okay?"

"No," was his answer again, and when he said nothing more, she put the car in drive and headed out.

He'd remained silent for the entire ride. He needed to get away from Lucy, but at the same time he was hesitant to get out of the car; once he walked into that apartment, there would be no going back. His life was about to change, he felt it and it made breathing difficult.

"Hey," Lucy said softly, squeezing his hand. "You're gonna be okay."

He turned to her suddenly with fire in his eyes. "You know, don't you? Whatever this is, you know. He told you something. Is he done with me?"

Lucy's eyes filled with compassion. "Honestly, I don't know what this is. I know he was confused earlier and came to me for advice. I also know that he loves you very much and doesn't want to lose you. But I promise you this, James. Whatever happens, you're not alone. He'll always be there for you, and so will I, and so will Kendall."

The name made a tiny incision in the panic bubble that had surrounded him. "What did you mean earlier, when you said it's not just physical for him?"

"Exactly that. There's a lot more to his feelings for you. I'm not asking you to think about all of that right now, I know you feel overwhelmed. Between him and Logan and Rush, you've got a lot going on. I just want to make sure you know that you're not alone. We all love you and we're here for you no matter what. If you need someone, call us."

"I can't call Rush," James reminded her.

"You know how to get in touch with him. The man asked you to marry him. Whether he meant it or not, he at least cares enough about you to be there when you need someone. Don't throw that away."

"I think..." he started, gaze losing focus as he gathered his thoughts. "I think what would help me most is to just...get rid of him. And Kendall. The problem here is that I took my focus away from Logan and—"

"James," Lucy sighed, eyes closing before she stared at him again. "The problem here is that they were able to pull your focus away. Stop ignoring what you don't want to face. If Logan was everything you needed, no one could have pulled your focus away."

James looked out the window at the building that had become his place of refuge and safety. It seemed impossible that he would dread walking into it now. "I don't want things to change," he murmured in the scared voice of a frightened child.

"I know," she soothed. "One thing that won't is Logan's love for you. No matter where you two go from here, you will always be best friends."

"I miss that," James choked out. "I miss being his friend."

"Just go up and talk to him. Whatever's going on in his mind, you can face it together. I'm sure he's just as terrified of losing you."

James swallowed back the tears that wanted to spill over. "I love him."

"I know. Go on. You can call me later if you need to, okay?"

Without warning James launched himself at her for a desperate hug. She embraced him just as fiercely. "Can I give Kendall your number?"

"Why?"

"Because he's been worried about you ever since lunch. He keeps texting me to ask if you're okay."

Remembering the way he'd broken down, James gave a sad chuckle. "He's an idiot."

"But a devoted one. So can I?"

James bit his lip, torn. Finally he nodded. "Tell him to text me but not...no guarantees that I'll answer."

"You got it."

"And um. Tell him I'm okay. Since he's so worried about me and all."

He'd meant for it to come off mocking, but Lucy heard the smile behind the words. "I will. Now get out of my car."

"Okay," he laughed. "Thanks for the ride. And for being here."

"Call me if you need me."

"You know I will."

With a bright grin, Lucy leaned over to kiss James on the cheek. "You're gonna be fine."

"Eventually."

She nodded before echoing, "Eventually."