A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."

James found Logan sitting on their small patio that was enclosed by a short wrought-iron fence, staring out across the trees and grass that separated their building from the next. The glass door was closed, so it was probable that Logan hadn't heard him come in. James took a moment to simply study him. His dark bangs, which he styled so that they swept off his forehead, looked as if he'd run fingers through them a thousand times. His chin was resting on one hand while the other stretched across the table, fingers tapping out a repeated rhythm that never wavered. When James fidgeted like that, there was no method to it; his fingers just randomly tapped whatever surface they touched. He knew that for Logan, the steady and methodical gesture provided an orderly background to the chaos of his thoughts when he was nervous or struggling with a puzzle. He was also in his favorite pair of blue jeans, which Logan refused to wear outside the apartment because they were frayed at the seams and sprouting a hole near the right knee; at home, though, they gave him the comfort he needed but couldn't find in the outside world. Next to his elbow sat his oldest mug, the one he'd picked up at some convention back in college that stated "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER."

Today, James thought knowledge might prove to be the opposite. He didn't want to know whatever it was Logan was about to tell him. Watching him now, James couldn't imagine living without him. The mere idea of it froze up his insides. How was he supposed to get through each day without Logan there to guide him and make sure he was taken care of?

A sudden buzzing from his pocket made James reach down for his phone. He would shut it off; the last thing he needed was the outside world trying to crowd in right now.

As he was about to thumb the button that would turn off the power, a name on the display caught his eye. His phone informed him the text was from "Maybe: Kendall."

"Hey, it's Kendall. No pressure, just text or call if you ever need to. I'm here."

The pin prick in that panic bubble expanded slightly, enough so that James could take a deep breath. Kendall was no Logan, but he was proof of what Lucy had said earlier: James wasn't alone.

"Thanks." It wasn't much of a reply, but it was all James could muster up at the moment. He sent it and shut down the phone, then took another deep breath and opened the glass door.

The only indication that Logan heard the door slide open was that his fingers stopped moving. James stepped outside and laid his hands on Logan's shoulders, squeezing gently before bending down to kiss the top of his head. Logan was stiff but leaned his head back against James' stomach, eyes closed as he smiled. "Hey, beautiful."

"Hello, my little nerd. Want to come inside and talk?"

"Yeah. There's a chocolate pie in the fridge, and I stopped on the way home for more chocolate milk."

"You definitely know how to butter me up," James joked, and wasn't it crazy that he was 99% sure they were on the verge of a break-up but he'd never felt closer to Logan?

When Logan stood and turned to face him, the sheer force of his love for this man was overpowering. James clutched him and held him tight, peace stealing over him even though he should've felt like he was on shaky ground. Maybe it was the way Logan clutched him just as tightly that was reassuring.

"I love you," Logan murmured into his neck. "God, I love you so much."

"I know," James whispered, and now the tears were making a comeback. "I love you, too. Can we...?"

"Yeah. Go."

Neither was in the mood for pie, but Logan refilled his mug with chamomile tea and brought out a tall glass of chocolate milk for James, who was already seated on the sofa that had seen all of their laughter and tears. His stomach clenched when he realized it might not see anymore. Suddenly he had to know.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

The drinks almost slipped out of Logan's hands at the blunt question. James reached up to save his chocolate milk, barely avoiding a spill. Logan waited until he was sitting next to James and the tea was safe on the coffee table to answer. He shifted his body sideways, hands clasped together in his lap and said, "I don't know."

"Okay." It was one word that invited more, James relieved in a weird way that at least they were finally talking about it.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was coming home. I just...I couldn't face you right then and I needed to get away and think and...you were right months ago when you called me a chickenshit. I am."

"Okay, but with me?" James wondered. "Since when are you afraid to talk to me?"

"Since what I say might send you running. James, you tried to move when I was upset with you last time. I can't...I won't lose you like that again."

James licked his lips, blinking rapidly. "So it's better to lie to me?"

"I haven't lied to you. Not once, about anything."

"Maybe not, but there's sure as hell things you aren't telling me. Something changed and I don't know what. I feel like there's suddenly this fog between us, like I can see you but I can't find my way to you and I hate this, I can't stand this feeling. One second we were fine, and the next..."

"I know," Logan sighed. He looked down at his hands. "It's all my fault. I...it doesn't make sense to me. None of this does. You make sense. You're the one thing in this world I know I can count on and why I would even consider giving that up..."

"Then why are you? I mean...I know we're not perfect. I know we don't see eye to eye in every area, but I never considered walking away."

Logan nodded, then reached for his tea. "You're a better person than me. I don't deserve your devotion."

"That's bullshit, you totally do. You deserve more than me. So if that's what this is about, if you met someone who's better for you and can give you what I can't, I understand." He choked up, a sob working its way out, but he managed, "I want you to be happy."

"Drink your milk."

James did, gulping it down like it was a lifeline. Of course Logan knew it would soothe him, because Logan knew everything about him. Logan knew. What would he do without that?

"It's not about finding someone better, James. There is no one better at being a boyfriend than you are. It's what you live for, what makes you whole."

"You make me whole."

"I don't know that that's true, babe. We never talk about it, but it's obvious that we're not compatible in the bedroom."

James felt his blood boil as he plunked down the near-empty glass. "Look, I'm sick of talking about that. I don't care about that. You love me, that's all that matters to me!"

"I know that, and that's how I always felt, too. You were considerate and never pressured me—"

"I did yesterday," James interrupted, cheeks flaming with shame. "I was wrong to make you feel like that just because you didn't want to have sex."

"James, no, that wasn't the issue. I..."

"You what? You seemed to want it and then suddenly you didn't and...I was just hurt."

Logan set down his tea and stood up, hands rubbing up and down his arms as he paced. "This is the part I didn't want to talk about. James, you have to promise me that whatever I say, you won't run away from me. Please." He stopped pacing and used a foot to slowly shove the coffee table out of the way so that he could kneel before James. Only when James' hands were secure in his did he add, "That's my biggest fear, is you leaving and never coming back."

"It's mine, too," James admitted.

"Then we need to make sure that doesn't happen. I don't know where we'll end up tomorrow. Or even an hour from now. What I do know is that I want you next to me when it happens. Can you promise me that?"

"Of course." James sniffed as emotions pushed up through him again. "As long as you promise me that won't change."

Logan licked his lips. "I can't promise anything except that I'm always here for you. I...I don't even know how to explain it because I don't understand it."

"Stop trying to understand it and just tell me what's going on. I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Half of my life doesn't make sense but you love me anyway. I'm going to love you, too."

Logan inhaled a breath, obviously not sure that would still be the case when he was done. "I guess...well...you know, Kendall said it perfectly."

"Kendall?" Outrage wanted to burst from James. "Why the fuck are we always talking about Kendall? Jesus, are you still in love with him?!"

"No! James, please, calm down. I'm not in love with Kendall. But the day he broke up with me, he said something that I didn't understand at the time. I think I get it now."

"What?"

"He mentioned...a craving. Wanting someone so badly you can't stop thinking about them and needing to know that they feel the same way about you."

Fear pierced James' heart. Did Logan know about his feelings for Rush? For Kendall?

"I'd never felt that before. I thought..." Logan shook his head. "I thought it sounded crazy."

Now things were starting to fall into place. "What changed?"

"Well...it still sounds crazy. I still think it's unhealthy. But..."

James closed his eyes and leaned back against the cushion. "But you feel it now. And not for me." When there was no reply, he opened his eyes and saw the answer on Logan's face. "So you suddenly wanting sex...that wasn't about me. It wasn't about the dressing up."

Logan was afraid to speak. "I'm sorry," he managed. "I didn't...it just...out of nowhere, I swear I never meant to hurt you. I didn't even know it existed!"

"Fuck," James muttered, throwing an arm across his eyes. He didn't want to see the truth there, that he just wasn't enough for Logan. But who the hell could be? Logan hadn't gone anywhere without him except the movie, and if it wasn't Kendall and they were around the same people at the dance they were every single day...

He gasped, sitting up straight to stare into Logan's tortured brown eyes. "Carlos. Oh my god, it's Carlos." Again, the lack of a reply was his answer. "Carlos?" It made no sense to James. Carlos wasn't even hot. Sure, he was handsome enough, but... "Carlos?" It was all he was capable of saying.

"I can't explain it, James. I didn't plan for this. It was like...I don't know. I just don't know."

"Well can you try to explain it? Because I mean, he's a nice guy and all, and he's not ugly, but he's not like...sexy."

"See, but to me he is. I met him in a nerd costume, for heaven's sake, and the second our eyes met I was enthralled. I couldn't look away. It scared me so much."

A memory floated back to James, a moment in time that had scared him just as deeply when Kendall's green eyes locked onto his for the first time. He'd had to run from the room. "Oh, fuck. I know that feeling."

"You do?" Hope surged in Logan, then fled when he realized it was him James was talking about. "I'm sorry. I wish I could say that I felt that when we first met."

"Oh. No, babe, it's..." Embarrassed and ashamed now, James hung his head. "As long as we're being honest...it wasn't you."

Logan blinked a few times. "Oh? So I was right all along? About Lucy?"

"Jesus Christ, Logan, will you fucking stop with all this Lucy bullshit? I'm gay! Get over it, I was never into her! It's Kendall, okay? The first time I saw Kendall in the staff lounge, I felt that. It scared the fuck out of me, too!"

Though Logan said nothing right away, his mouth agape and eyes wide, thoughts strung together in rapid succession to connect all of the dots until every puzzle piece was in place. "Hold on. So that's why you don't want to be around him? That's why you hated him? Because you wanted him?"

"I never wanted to want him! Especially when you started dating him, it made me feel like a piece of shit for thinking of him like that! And you just wouldn't stop pushing us together, you kept forcing me to be in the same room with him! All I wanted was to run away but you made it impossible!"

Logan was still reeling. He got off his knees, enough to slide up onto the coffee table and use it as a support. "Are you telling me that when we started dating, you and me, that you had feelings for him?"

"Not like that. I mean...it was all physical. It was like you said, I couldn't stop thinking about him but that's also because of the guy I was talking to online, the whole thing was a mess and I was confused and didn't understand any of my feelings and...you were the one thing in my life that made sense. I loved you and I knew that but I never thought you could love me back."

"But James...if you had feelings for someone else, why would you date me? If you'd already felt what I'm feeling now...I didn't know any better. I didn't know I could feel like this. You did. Why wouldn't you pursue that instead of settling for me?"

"Because I love you." It seemed so simple to James. "I loved you almost from the moment we met. You take care of me and you put up with me and you love me and...why would I want anything else?"

Logan's voice was gentle when he responded. "Because I can't give you that feeling, which I now know is so necessary. That's why we're having this discussion. I tried to fight it. I convinced myself it was just a one-time thing, that I was temporarily out of my mind. Then I saw Carlos again today and...I mean, what happened with Kendall? Your feelings didn't just disappear, did they?"

"No," James sulked. "I wanted them to. I hate him for the way he makes me feel."

"You can't hate him for that," Logan chuckled. "It's not his fault."

"It is, though. Sometimes...sometimes he would push things because he knew."

Logan's gaze narrowed. "How did he know? Did you ever tell him how you feel?"

"Not exactly. The fucker just knows me. I hate that. And..."

Suddenly understanding that James had hidden a lot from him over the past three months, Logan prompted, "And?"

James couldn't meet his eyes. "He kissed me. We weren't dating yet, it was before all of that so I didn't cheat on you or anything!"

"Babe, it's okay, I'm not mad. Just be honest with me. He kissed you?"

"Once. Well, twice. He kind of...I wasn't expecting it either time."

"So...this isn't one-sided? Kendall's attracted to you, too?"

"He can barely keep his hands off me."

Logan couldn't help the amusement in his reply. "The fact that you're so smug when you say that. God, how did I miss this? It was right in front of my face."

"Well, apparently you were lusting over Carlos right in front of mine and I missed it. I thought I saw something today at lunch, but then decided it was just in my head."

"Yeah, um..." Logan pressed his hands to his face, willing it to cool down. "So...truth. Let's just...full truth. Get it all out in the open and go from there. Deal?"

"Deal. What are you hiding from me?"

After a hard swallow, Logan forged ahead. "He kissed me. And then today I kissed him. And...he gave me a handjob during lunch."

James' jaw dropped. "What?! During lunch? What the fuck, Logan? Where?"

"In the auto shop."

"You won't even let me hold your hand on campus!"

"I know." Logan hid his face again. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person."

"I can't even...the auto shop? A classroom? Anybody could've walked in!"

"I know. I've never done anything so reckless in my life. It was so stupid. I could've gotten fired."

James shook his head, shocked by his own reaction. "Is it completely inappropriate for me to say that I'm proud of you?"

This time it was Logan's jaw that dropped. "You're not mad?"

"I mean...a little? But mostly just...wow. I could never get you to that point. Kendall couldn't even get you to that point, and he's the hottest fucking thing on Earth."

"Well, I think that says a lot right there. Is that all that happened between you two? A few kisses?"

"Yes," James replied emphatically. "I'm not a cheater. Unlike some people."

"James, please, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me."

"Did you come?"

Confusion scrunched up Logan's features. "What?"

"In the shop. Did you come?"

"Oh. Uh. Yeah. That's why I left school. I was..."

"A mess." James' lips twitched.

Logan punched James in the arm. "Shut up, it's not funny!"

"It's so funny! Mr. Mitchell blew his load on school property. Oh my god, wait until Lucy hears about this."

"Lucy will not hear anything! I swear to God, I will ban all chocolate from this apartment if you tell anyone about this!"

The statement brought them back to the reality of the situation, sobering them both. Just how much longer would they share this apartment? "Anything else you need to tell me?" James asked softly.

"No. Except that...he feels the same way."

"Obviously, if he got you off."

"And Kendall? It was just the two kisses before we were dating?"

"Yeah. There was a lot of flirting before that. And...I've been talking to my online guy again the past few days."

"Oh. So...it's not just Kendall I have to worry about?"

James struggled with his answer, not wanting to hurt Logan. "The truth is, Kendall's not the one you should be worried about. I mean, I'm definitely attracted to him, and I think he wants something with me. But the other guy...he's the one I could see a future with. We've grown really close." Logan remained quiet until James finally asked, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm wondering if I should be mad at Kendall for making moves on my boyfriend."

"I wasn't your boyfriend yet!"

"But still, you said he wants you even now."

"He can want me all he wants. He's not getting me."

"So your feelings for him are done?"

"No, but...my feelings for Rush are stronger. And he um...he's made it clear that he wants what I want in life."

"Which is?"

James fixed Logan with a steady gaze. "Marriage. I want marriage."

"Oh." Logan bit his lip. "We've never talked about that."

"I know."

"It's...I don't jump into things like that lightly. Certainly not after only knowing someone for a year."

"I get it. With me, it's more like...when you know, you know and there's no reason to put it off."

"Yet you would've married me if I'd asked."

"Maybe." When Logan lifted a brow, James added, "Probably. But I do love you."

"I know you do, but do you see what we're doing here, James? What we've been doing for a year? We're providing each other safety and security, yet neither of us is truly living."

"I'm not unhappy, Logan. You make me happy."

"I did that as a friend, too. What really have we added to this since we started dating?"

"We moved in together. We have sex now."

"Barely. And...I know how much this is going to hurt and I'm sorry. I just...now that I know what it can be like, sex with you is never going to satisfy me. If you're completely honest with yourself, are you satisfied after sex with me?"

James wanted to say yes.

"Babe," Logan prompted. "Truth."

"Fine," James sighed. "Kendall made me want to come in a fucking restaurant bathroom without even touching me. I've had online sex with Rush that was more satisfying than anything we've ever done together."

Logan nodded slowly. "It makes me sad to know that. All this time I wasn't making you happy and—"

"But you were! You are!"

"Not where you really need it. James, you never woke up that craving in me. I don't do it for you. What are we doing here?"

"I thought we were living a good life together. Having someone to come home to every day, taking care of each other."

"Who says we can't do that while dating other people?"

"Oh please, we both know that won't last once we start dating someone else. I won't be number one anymore."

"I guess not eventually, but...is number two so bad?" James opened his mouth and Logan added, "If you make a poop joke right now I will smack you. Hard."

James cracked up before reaching out to drag Logan onto his lap. "This is what I'm talking about, you know me that well. Who else is ever going to?"

"Nobody, if you don't give someone else that chance. I know it's scary. With us, we knew it was going to last. We spent a year settling into the best thing that had happened to us up to that point."

"And I don't want to lose that," James argued.

"I don't either. I'm just saying that maybe what we like most about us is what we had before all the kissing and sex came into it. And no matter who we date, that part of us won't ever change."

James stared into Logan's eyes before kissing him softly. "I do like kissing you," he pointed out.

"I like it, too," Logan smiled. "It makes me feel warm. Safe."

"Yeah."

"But you know what? Your arms do the same thing for me. So does your voice. And the fact that I'm sitting on your lap and you aren't even hard says everything, babe. Are you telling me that if it was Kendall you'd have the same reaction?"

James looked down while admitting grudgingly, "I have to wear my jacket over my lap during the hockey games to hide it."

"See?" Logan gasped. "Oh, the things you have hidden from me. Wait, is that why you're always so horny on Saturdays? Because of the games?" James blushed, making Logan laugh. "You naughty boy."

"You knew that about me. You've always known that."

"I have," Logan agreed. "And that's my point. Us dating other people isn't going to change that. Nothing can. Boyfriends...as much as I don't like to think about it, they aren't guaranteed to last. We are. I think we do better as friends."

James hugged Logan to him. "I'm scared. What if I go for Rush and it doesn't work out? We've never even met, what if we try it and reality turns out to be so different from what we've built in our heads and I end up alone?"

"You won't be alone," Logan reminded him. "That's what I'm trying to tell you, I'm always going to be here for you. And you have Lucy."

"And I have Kendall."

"You know...he really would be a good friend to you. I've told you that for months now."

"I know. I didn't want to hear it."

"Of course now that I know he's in love with you, I understand why you kept your distance."

"That was more because of my feelings than his."

"It was mutual. He was just as adamant about not wanting to hang out with you. Knowing Kendall, I'm sure a lot of that was because he doesn't trust himself and feels guilty for wanting to be with my boyfriend."

James shrugged.

"Kendall would also make a fantastic boyfriend, you know. I speak from experience. I mean true, he never made out with me in a bathroom, but I think that's because I never wanted that."

"Well apparently you might now."

"Which is...it's insane. I can't believe the way I acted today. Carlos probably never wants to see me again."

"Oh, bullshit. He can't stop thinking about you. I bet he's sitting at home right now jerking off to the memory of your face when you come."

Logan rolled his eyes. "Not everyone is as sex-starved as you."

"Says the guy who got a handjob in a classroom."

"Okay, forget that already! It's never happening again! My point is that I'm embarrassed and don't know how to face him now."

"Just show up at his place."

"I can't do that. I don't even know where he lives."

"Lucy could tell you."

"No, that's not appropriate. And are you really giving me relationship advice when we're sitting here in the middle of a break-up?"

The realization shocked James. "I am. What does that mean?"

"That you want me to be happy. And you love me."

"I've never doubted that."

"I haven't either." Logan pressed a sweet kiss to James' lips, enjoying the feel of it. "Are you going to go for this Rush guy or do I have to force you into it?"

"Are you going to go for Carlos?"

"If he'll still have me. I don't even know what to say to him."

"How about... 'Hi, remember me? I blew my load in your classroom. Want to try a bed this time?'"

Logan smacked James' shoulder. "I hate you."

"Oh, but you love me, too."

"So much," Logan agreed. He leaned forward so that his head was on James' shoulder. "This is complicated. How can I love you but also love someone else?"

"I've been asking myself that for three months now."

"Do you love him?"

James closed his eyes, Logan warm in his embrace and on his lap and it should've been enough, but that longing was still there. He knew what it was. "Yeah."

"Let's not hold each other back anymore. Instead let's...I don't know. Hold each others' hands as we face a new tomorrow?"

"That was almost poetic. I might steal that for a song."

"Deal," Logan grinned, moving in for another kiss because now that he knew there would be no more, suddenly he wanted to hold onto it. "Would it be really horrible of me to ask you to just...kiss me for awhile?"

James blinked in surprise. "Really? Even though it's not the same as with Carlos?"

"Yes. Just one more night to...be together. Love me."

"Always," James whispered.

Their kisses were full of the passion they'd shared from the start, which wasn't the all-consuming lust they'd found elsewhere, but instead what they'd always provided each other—acceptance and safety. They treasured it, both knowing that when tomorrow came, everything would be different. Tomorrow they would face that new scary unknown, and they would do it together.

But for tonight, they'd cook dinner together and watch "Jeopardy!" before James obliterated Logan in a violent video game that for whatever reason brought him joy. Dessert would be chocolate pie followed by Logan attempting to catch up on lesson plans and grade homework. Maybe then James would figure out his next step.

He was terrified, but not as much as he would've been facing it alone. Because no matter what he did or where he went, Logan would be holding his hand. And it was enough.