A/N—Reminder that I don't own these characters and that all credit goes to the creators of "Big Time Rush."
So it looks like the next chapter will be the last for this story! I was hoping to break what's left into three chapters, but there's no good place to end it until halfway through so that's how it's going to be. Sorry this one's so long! Work's been insane for the past few weeks and is continuing in that vein, so I have no idea when I'll post the last chapter. Sometime next week is all I can guarantee. And once that's done, hopefully I'll have written a lot more of "Magic" and can continue posting that story. Thanks to you guys who are already reading it. :)
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday (if you celebrate it) and here's wishing you all a Happy New Year! Thanks for spending this past one with me here and helping me get through life with encouraging reviews that always made me smile. Love you guys!
As always, Kendall held the door for James. It was a little thing, and something James easily could've lived without, but he enjoyed it for the chivalrous act it was that came so naturally to Kendall. "Thanks," he smiled.
Kendall's eyes sparkled above a smirk that said too many things to count; James understood each one with just a quick meeting of their gazes, and did nothing to discourage the hand on his shoulder as they stepped toward the hostess' booth. It had become a fixture he now welcomed. While he knew that for Kendall it was some sort of show of ownership, James also liked that occasionally it helped Kendall keep his balance when he wasn't feeling too steady.
He'd never tell Kendall that, though.
"Are they here yet?"
"Yeah," Kendall answered. He peeked further into the restaurant and grinned when his mother's wave caught his eye. "Right over there."
Jennifer jumped up from the table to hug Kendall tight, then immediately did the same to James. "I didn't know you were coming! It's so great to see you!"
"Good to see you, too," James smiled, meaning it. The truth was he was a tad nervous, no matter how many times Kendall had promised everything would be fine. Meeting the family as a boyfriend was so different than doing it as a friend. "Katie," he nodded as he stepped back from Jennifer.
"Hey. So is the team here yet?"
"Yeah, we came up on the bus with them." Kendall slid into the booth across from her, waiting until James was next to him to get comfortable. "I forgot what those bus rides are like."
"Oh, I didn't forget," Jennifer laughed. "How many years was I team mom? Teenage boys are rowdy."
"It was kind of fun," James admitted. "I never experienced that."
Kendall chuckled. "You missed out. Good times."
Jennifer suddenly said, "Oh, we didn't get enough menus. Sorry, we were only expecting Kendall. Let me—"
"It's fine." James waved her comment away. "We can share. I'll just need another place setting when they come around to take our order. I've never eaten here, any suggestions?"
"The spaghetti and meatballs is fantastic," Jennifer shared. "Though they do have a great pesto chicken sandwich."
They quietly studied their menus for all of ten seconds before Katie blurted, "So where are they?"
"Who?" Kendall wondered.
"The team. Hello, have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"
James' gaze narrowed across the table before it clicked. "It's number 17, isn't it?"
"What?" Katie played dumb. "What does that even mean?"
"Don't even try to hide it," James laughed. "You never cared about the team before, so I'm assuming it's the new guy."
"I cared about the team!"
Kendall finally caught up. "Wait, Patrick? You're...oh my god, Katie, come on. He's two years older than you!"
"Two years is nothing! I don't know why I even bother with you, you just don't get it."
"Get what?"
"Love. You're such a guy when it comes to that stuff, totally oblivious to what's right in front of your face."
Kendall's lips twisted as he twined fingers with James under the table. "You think so, do you?"
"Totally. So are they at a hotel?"
"Yes. We're having pizza brought in for them, so they won't be leaving the building. I would've stayed except I needed to meet with you guys now since we have no idea what tomorrow will be like. If we lose, I might just want to crawl into bed after the game."
"You will not," James scolded. "You'll be proud that you made it this far and realize what an incredible accomplishment it is for the team. And know that next year, you'll get it."
Kendall squeezed James' hand for a moment, his gratitude showing in his eyes.
"I was actually surprised when you asked to meet up for dinner, Kendall." Jennifer closed her menu and sat back. "Isn't Friday when you and Logan usually do your movie night?"
"Yeah, and I could've just driven out tomorrow for the game, but I wanted to be with my boys. It's important to show that I'm with them in everything. I'm getting them up early to practice tomorrow, so I wanted everyone in place tonight. And yes, Katie, Patrick is here. He also has a girlfriend."
Her face fell. "No fair."
"Sorry."
"Well...I mean, he has the whole rest of the school year and summer to break up with her, so...just make sure when that happens, he doesn't find someone else!"
Kendall rolled his eyes. "You know what you want?" he said softly to James.
"That pasta looks really good. Of course, every time I go out and try some it doesn't compare to Logan's."
"Logan really does make great pasta. It's even fantastic the day after."
"Was he too busy to join you guys for the night?" Jennifer wanted to know.
"Uh..." James started. "He's got other plans. School's out for two weeks, so he'll probably take all of three days off before starting the lesson plans for next semester."
The server arrived then, taking drink orders to give them more time to decide. Under the table, Kendall's thumb caressed the ring in a gesture James was getting used to as a way to help him think. Three days as an official couple and James thought he was starting to know all of Kendall's little habits well. He could tell at the moment that Kendall was trying to come up with a way to slip their relationship status into the conversation, and for all of his "everything will be fine, she loves you" comments, he was suffering a sudden onset of nerves.
"Are you going home for Christmas, James? Or maybe to Logan's?"
Well, that gave them the opening they'd been waiting for. It was Kendall who answered the question. "Actually, Mom, that's what I wanted to see you guys about tonight. Plans for Christmas changed."
"Oh, no," she started, shaking her head. "You are not backing out on Christmas."
"No, of course not! Nothing like that. But I won't be driving back with you guys after the game tomorrow. I was going to spend a few days at home, there are some things going on and—"
"Oh. My. God. It happened."
All heads swung toward Katie, whose mouth was hanging open slightly.
"What happened?" Kendall frowned.
"Don't play dumb, you think I don't know you're holding hands under this table?"
James' cheeks flamed, his hand attempting to pull free but Kendall held on tighter.
"Katie," Jennifer sighed in exasperation. "Will you stop with that? I keep telling you, it's never going to happen. Logan and James—"
Kendall suddenly lifted up their clasped hands onto the table, cutting off her argument. She stared down in stunned silence, then hopeful blue eyes flew up to their faces. "It happened? But...Logan..."
"It's hard to explain," James tried. "Logan and I love each other, but...we do better as friends. And it was Kendall who kind of...brought that home to me."
"More than that, it was another teacher that brought it home to Logan. James and I were actually talking online three months ago and had no idea, and we fell in love that way. In person, the attraction was there too, and...it finally happened." Kendall shrugged. "We stopped fighting it."
Katie tilted her head. "How did you not know you were talking online?"
"It was anonymous," James replied. "I just found out a few days ago it was Kendall."
"I've known for three months and wanted to take things further, but...he was with Logan."
"Hold on. So you dated Logan, who then dated James, and now James is dating you?"
Kendall nodded at Katie's question.
"Wow. You guys all get around."
"Katie!" Jennifer smacked her arm lightly.
"You're just mad that you owe me fifty bucks!"
James' jaw dropped. "You bet on us?"
"Please, I could tell you two had it for each other the first time we had breakfast together. Mom thought I was crazy."
"I didn't think you were crazy," Jennifer corrected. "Just that it wouldn't happen because Kendall was dating Logan. And then James was dating Logan and...he really must be something."
"He is," James agreed with a soft smile. "We just want each other to be happy. I'm happiest with Kendall."
"And he's happiest with Carlos. It just took us awhile to figure out how we all fit together best. Mom, admit it. You've wanted this since the day you met James."
"You know I have," she agreed. "James...welcome to the family!"
That radiant smile was back. "Thanks. You're really okay with this?"
"As long as Kendall's happy."
"He is," Kendall promised, leaning his head on James' shoulder. "James is everything I need."
"Okay, I have so many questions, but one that can't wait."
It did have to wait until after everyone had placed an order, though. Quick decisions were made around the table and it was only after they'd all taken a sip of their drinks that Jennifer asked, "What does this have to do with Christmas? Of course James is invited, if that's what you're asking."
Kendall and James looked at each other. They were still up in the air over that. "The thing is, I can't leave my mom alone. So I'd love to come celebrate with you guys, but—"
"Bring her. We'll have more than enough food, I'm sure."
James hesitated again. "See, it's not that simple. Mom...she doesn't know how to do anything without taking control. If we invite her over, she'll end up planning everything and probably have the whole thing catered and I'm sure you guys have your traditions and—"
"Invite her," Jennifer said again with a glint in her eyes. "I'm sure we can compromise. I admit the idea of taking a year off from cooking doesn't sound like a bad thing, but I do have a few dishes I'm going to make no matter what."
"Mom doesn't compromise."
"Well, if she wants her son to be happy, she'll learn to. Kendall, are you nervous about meeting her?"
"I actually already met her," Kendall laughed.
"God, she loves Kendall." James rolled his eyes. "You don't know how many times I've heard 'I still don't understand why you aren't with that Knight boy. He's exactly what you need.' She likes Logan, she just never thought we were good together."
Jennifer's lips tugged up. "Sometimes moms just know these things."
Kendall couldn't argue that. "So we were thinking we could all do our Christmas Eve together, us and Logan and Carlos, and Lucy and Jo. Then James and I will drive out in the morning and Brooke can meet us there if she wants to come. But then we'll stay for the entire week after. If that's okay."
"I guess sacrifices have to be made when your kids grow up," Jennifer sighed. "I was looking forward to having you home for two weeks, though."
Katie jumped in. "Mom, let them have a week to themselves. You know they just want alone time."
When James started to deny that, Kendall squeezed his hand. "Don't even bother. She knew we were in love before we did; she knows this, too."
Two minutes into the meal, Katie asked, "Is no one going to say a word about the ring on James' finger?"
James and Kendall froze. They hadn't planned on dropping that bomb yet.
"It's more of a promise ring," Kendall supplied. "I already know I want to marry him, and it's a promise that that won't change no matter how long we wait."
"That's very sudden," Jennifer said slowly. "You're both so young to be making decisions like that."
"We know," James nodded. "Logan thinks we're crazy. He's not wrong. But...we're that sure. I know it's not something anyone else can understand."
Jennifer fixed Kendall with a smile. "Did you know that your father proposed to me on our first date?"
Three mouths gaped back at her.
"You two are so much alike," she chuckled. "I'm assuming it was you who proposed?"
"It was me," Kendall nodded.
"What did you say to Dad?!" Katie wanted to know.
"I told him he was crazy and to try again in a year."
Kendall smirked. "How long did he actually wait? A week?"
"He refused to take the ring back. He told me to keep it and if there ever came a time when I decided for sure that I didn't want to marry him, give it back then. I never did."
"That's so romantic," James breathed. "You knew that night you wanted to marry him, didn't you?"
"I honestly wasn't sure. I only knew that I wasn't opposed to the idea. When we officially became engaged, it was me who brought it up. How did you do it, Kendall? Roses? Some grand romantic gesture?"
Recalling the moment he had actually proposed to James, after an urgent blowjob on the dining room table, Kendall bit down on his lip. He couldn't tell his mother that, could he?
James saved the day. "It was perfect. I don't think it could've happened any other way with us. So Katie, if you want to, you're welcome to sit with me and watch the team practice tomorrow. I'm sure number 17 will be on fire."
"Ohhhh, yeah he will. You're on!"
Kendall slipped a hand over to squeeze James' thigh as a thank you for deflecting that. James pressed a kiss to his shoulder, and they returned to their meal with the family.
Kendall was quiet on the way home from what James was starting to think of as "Logan's place" again; strange as it was now his home as well, but as he hadn't slept there in over a week and only visited to change clothes and shower, it didn't feel like home anymore. Kendall's place did, and though James had been considering just packing a suitcase of things to keep over at the new location, he worried that Kendall might not be ready for something so presumptuous.
Then again, the man had asked James to marry him; maybe they were past presumptuous.
Still, James hesitated every time the thought of voicing that idea flitted into his brain. He didn't want to crowd Kendall, who was always oversensitive to people thinking he couldn't manage on his own, and really they'd only been officially together a week. Maybe James just needed to slow his roll.
He allowed Kendall the time to brood, knowing that when the man was ready to talk about whatever was on his mind, there would be no stopping him. During the last mile of the drive, James cast his brain back over the Christmas Eve celebration with friends in an attempt to pinpoint what might be causing the current mood. As far as he could tell, everything had gone great. He'd showed up early to help Logan cook for the small party, Kendall coming along and spending the time sampling their collection of video games. Eventually the rest of the gang arrived, presents in hand, and after enjoying more food and drink than any of them could comfortably handle, they'd gathered around the living room to open the gifts. Lucy's reaction to the huge Star Wars Lego set James and Kendall had gone halves on was the highlight of the evening, her screeches of excitement so loud Mrs. Gibson had wandered over to make sure "the boys" were okay. Lucy rushed to the woman with her big Lego box and gushed, pointing out all that she could do with the set, until Jo gently dragged her away to "leave the poor woman in peace."
Logan being Logan, however, invited her in because he realized she was alone on Christmas Eve. She'd declined at first, not wanting to "intrude on the party," but when James insisted she stay, she caved. James took her to the kitchen to fill a plate while Logan retrieved something from under the tree, and she sat between Carlos and Jo on the sofa while they continued opening gifts. Logan silently gestured for James to take the empty plate from her when she'd finished, and then he passed her the last package stating that he'd been planning to take it over to her the following day, but she was here now so she might as well open the gift from himself and James. James had returned to the living room in time to hear the last part, having no idea when Logan had purchased the gift or what it was, but of course Logan had remembered Mrs. Gibson. Logan was just that kind of guy.
It turned out to be a calendar featuring different varieties of carnations. James thought it odd, as carnations weren't generally a flower people fawned over, but apparently Logan knew something he didn't because Mrs. Gibson's eyes teared up when she studied the monthly pictures on the back. She hugged Logan to her fiercely, then did the same to James, before showing it around the group and explaining that carnations had been a tradition throughout her marriage. It was the first flower her husband ever gave her, back when they'd first started courting sixty years before, and every year on their anniversary he gave her a bouquet of them. He took joy in looking for rare colors.
Logan escaped to the kitchen soon after that to serve up pie and cake he'd prepared the night before, James slipping in after taking orders from everyone. "How did you know that about the carnations?" was James' first question.
"I didn't," Logan admitted. "Can you grab the plates? Thanks, babe. Did you never notice that she always has a fresh bouquet of carnations on the coffee table when we go in there to help her with something? Or that there are pictures of them on the walls?"
No. James hadn't. But of course Logan, whose skills of observation were ingrained in him, had seen everything even though they never spent more than two minutes at a time in her apartment. "Thanks for including me in that gift. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I didn't even think of her when making my Christmas list."
"I know," Logan grinned. "That's why I'm always here to save your ass."
James had laughed, interrupting the serving of pie for a hug that would forever be a calming influence in his life. Logan held him close and whispered, "Are you happy?"
"He's amazing. Sometimes I still can't believe he's actually mine. You?"
"He's...he makes me laugh. He makes me relax. He shows me off like I'm some prize and I just...I'm not used to it but I love it. I love him."
"That's all I ever wanted for you, Logan."
"Hey hey hey, break it up. This one's mine now."
They both laughed as Kendall pulled James away. "I was thanking him for including me in the gift for Mrs. Gibson. I had no idea we'd even gotten her anything." James leaned in for a peck to Kendall's lips. "Help me take all this out to everyone?"
The party broke up soon after dessert had been devoured. James and Kendall stayed behind to help clean up, and of course Carlos was there for the night. They'd all sat around for a bit longer discussing the upcoming plans for the remainder of Christmas break, but as the talk continued Kendall grew quieter and James knew he needed to be somewhere else.
What he didn't know was why.
Now as he reached into the trunk for the gifts they'd brought home with them, James wondered if Kendall was rethinking everything. Had he already decided his impulsive proposal was a bad idea? If so, that was going to ruin James' Christmas gift to him.
Not to mention devastating James into a million pieces that might possibly never be put back together.
Once inside, James set his armful of boxes on the massive dining room table where the most incredible moment of his life had occurred only eight days before. He ran a hand over the table, as if the sturdiness of the wood could somehow fortify their bond, and watched Kendall move past and into the kitchen to grab a mug.
"Hot cocoa?" Kendall offered.
"I think if I put anything else in this stomach tonight, it'll explode. That cake was perfection."
"It was good."
"Logan always knows exactly how much cocoa powder to put in his frosting, I don't know how he does it. It's so much better than the stuff out of the can."
Kendall only nodded while turning on the electric kettle his mother had sent with him specifically for this purpose.
Hesitantly, James approached to slide his hands up Kendall's back and squeeze his shoulders, which were as tense as expected. "Want to talk about it?" he asked softly.
"I'm afraid to," Kendall admitted.
"Why?"
"Because I don't know if I'm ready to hear the answer."
James moved his hands so that he could hug Kendall to him, his heart starting up a faster rhythm as anxiety closed in. He kissed the back of Kendall's neck, relieved when Kendall did nothing to discourage the closeness. Instead, he wrapped his arms around James' for a tighter hug and leaned his head back onto James' shoulder. James' mouth worked over the warm skin of Kendall's neck, alternately sucking and biting until he felt Kendall's tension shift into a different kind. "I love the way you kiss me," Kendall whispered. "It's like you can't get enough of my taste."
"I can't." James loosened his hold just enough to spin Kendall around, then immediately backed him up against the counter. "Sometimes I sit in a room and just stare at you, wishing I could taste you and thinking I'll never make it until we can be alone. Not being able to touch you at school is torture."
"That's mutual," Kendall agreed. "And right now all I want to do is take you into that bedroom and lose myself in you, let you convince me everything is in my head so I can go on pretending that nothing's wrong and we'll live happily ever after."
James stepped back slowly, dread pooling in his stomach while his heart cracked. "So something is wrong."
"That's what I'm afraid to find out."
James wasn't ready for this. Just the idea that Kendall might be considering ending things already brought a panic attack shooting into his chest so he couldn't breathe. All James could do was stand there staring back at Kendall with terror in his eyes. Kendall placed a kiss to his lips and it helped—slightly. In his mind, James was picturing a Christmas spent sobbing in his mother's arms and feeling like he wanted to die because now that he'd had it, life without Kendall...he didn't think he could bear it.
"Go sit on the couch," Kendall commanded gently. "I'll be right there."
"No. No, if you have something to say to me, just fucking say it. Fucking say it right now!"
Kendall gripped him by the arms, rubbing his thumbs over the jacket James had never taken off. "Calm down. I need you to be rational when we talk about this."
"How can I be rational when you're breaking up with me?!"
"I'm not breaking up with you." Kendall's voice remained patient, knowing that to let his own feelings loose would probably result in them hurling insults at each other until one of them stormed out. "I'm...I'm leaving that up to you."
"Up to...Kendall, are you fucking insane? Do you really think there's any scenario in life that would end in me breaking up with you?"
"Yes. I think there's one. And we need to talk about it before we can move forward."
That was finally enough to break through James' hysteria. Now it was confused hurt that came through in James' voice. "How could you think I'd leave you? Do you think this ring means nothing to me?"
"I think loyalty is your most admirable quality. It's probably the thing I want most in a boyfriend."
"I'm more than your boyfriend, Kendall, I'm your fiance. Why is this suddenly in question?"
"Because that same loyalty might be what ruins us, and I'd rather know that now than a year from now when I'm about to walk down the aisle with you."
"I don't understand."
"I know. The truth is I don't think you're even aware of it." Kendall sighed before taking James' hands in his and leaning in to kiss him softly. "Go sit on the couch. I'll be right there."
This time James obeyed the words. With tears in his eyes he turned away, stopping only long enough to shrug out of his jacket and hang it next to Kendall's on the rack by the front door before slowly sinking onto the sofa with his hands clasped between his knees. The sounds of Kendall mixing cocoa powder into boiling water should've been soothing, but instead every clink of a spoon against glass set his nerves more on edge. What the fuck could Kendall possibly be doubting in him?
Despite James' earlier comment, Kendall brought in two steaming mugs and handed one to James, who wrapped both hands around it like a lifeline. Kendall joined him, taking a few sips and then setting it on the table so he could turn sideways to face James. He waited until James had done the same, reaching over to wipe away a smidge of whipped cream on James' upper lip, then said, "I'm trying to figure out how say this without setting you off. We seem to have a habit of going from zero to sixty, whether it's in anger or lust."
"More like zero to a hundred," James replied, lifting Kendall's lips into a smirk.
"Very true. I just...I don't want you to run from this, since it's something I'm sure you won't want to face when I bring it to your attention. I need you to be completely honest with me, but more importantly with yourself."
"What is it you think I'm lying to myself about?"
"Logan."
It was the last thing James expected to hear. Confusion twisted his features and he blinked a few times before echoing, "Logan?"
"James...I see you guys together at school every day. I never think twice about it, because Carlos is around and it's not like either of you could act on anything there anyway."
"There's nothing to act on."
"Let me finish. Tonight was different. I was in your home. Your place, the place you two built together. I listened to you in the kitchen for hours, I watched you two in this dance that was so familiar and comfortable and every other word out of your mouths was 'babe.' I felt like...like I was intruding. Like I didn't belong."
"Kendall—"
"No, let me just get it all out. I know you live there. I know it's your home. I'm being ridiculous but...I mean, we've only been dating a week and I shouldn't expect so much so soon."
"Kendall—"
"James, please, let me talk. I walked into that kitchen tonight to find you in his arms and it was like reliving the entire three months when you belonged to him. I think in your heart you do. I think you love the life you've created with him and you're terrified to leave it and once you've satisfied your curiosity with me, you'll want him again." He fell silent for so long that when he spoke again it was, "You can talk now. Just...be honest. And don't start with a bunch of denials, because what I saw isn't my imagination. Accept that it might be true."
James' first instinct had been a bunch of denials; Kendall just didn't understand. He knew that wasn't going to work, though, until he tackled each of Kendall's points and laid them to rest. "Okay."
"Okay?"
He reached for the cocoa, drinking half the mug down now that it was cooler. "You're right about some of that."
Kendall hissed in a breath, but nodded.
"We are still stuck on the 'babe' thing. It's a hard habit to break, and it's just so natural for us that I didn't even think about it. I doubt he has, either."
"I've watched you guys for three months. I know what you were like before you dated, I know what you were like when you dated. I get it. Carlos...he doesn't. I'm sure it bothers him."
"It might," James admitted. "But I think he's still at that stage with Logan where he's afraid to scare him off. You're right, if there's anyone I should be calling 'babe', it's you."
"I'm not asking for that."
"I know. The truth is it almost slipped out a few times with you, but I didn't know how you'd feel about it. I should've known you would like it. Logan and I called each other that even before we started dating, did you know that?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I think that's why it feels so natural even now. It was always a friendship thing with us. A...okay, no, I'm lying. I loved it when he called me that because it made me feel like I belonged to him."
"Exactly. That's what it feels like to me, too. And it makes me wonder if there's a part of you that still wants to belong to him."
"Honestly...we're always gonna be close. You have to understand that, Kendall."
"And I do. I really do. I only dated Logan for a week, but it was long enough to know how special he is and that I never wanted him out of my life."
"That's exactly it. He's like...I mean he's my best friend. He knows me and takes care of me and—"
"And as your fiance, that should be my job now. That's all I'm saying. I get that there's going to be a transition period, but if you still want that from him, I think it says something."
"I want it from you."
"Are you sure?"
"Do you know what we were talking about in the kitchen? When you walked in on us hugging?"
"Do I want to?"
"You. And Carlos. He wanted to make sure I was happy. I needed the same. We both are, Kendall. We were agreeing that we'd found the right people. And then you came in all jealous and you have no idea what that did to me. I fucking love that you don't like others touching me. But Logan...he's just different. I've never had a brother but I feel like he's become that to me. Except that I know what it's like to kiss him and have sex with him and okay, now it's weird."
Kendall couldn't help the chuckle that escaped. "Be honest, though. Do you miss that with him? The kisses and the sex?"
"Do you even remember why I was unhappy with him?"
"Yes, but I don't want us to be just sex. I don't want him to be your emotional support and me just a body to keep you warm at night. Because my feelings for you...they're so much deeper than that."
James stared into Kendall's eyes and raised a hand to his face, caressing his cheek before cupping it. "I wish you could see inside my heart. I want it all with you. Every single aspect of a soulmate, that's what I see in you. That's what I feel when you touch me. Will I sometimes need Logan's advice when I'm unsure about something? Yes. That's never going to change. But you need it, too, and you appreciate how great he is because he's your best friend as well. What you and I have, it's so much more. It's...everything."
Kendall wanted to believe it. He used his hand to move James' to his lips, kissing the palm gently and closing his eyes as if absorbing the touch. "I just don't want you to go running back to him if it doesn't work out with Carlos. Or if we have a fight. I'm in this forever, and I need you to be, too."
James suddenly stood up and walked away. Kendall stared after him in disbelief. "Are you serious right now? I say I need you to be here forever and you fucking walk out of the room?" There was no answer. "James?"
He reappeared, hand closed around something. "You just ruined my present for you. Now all I have to give you on Christmas is a jersey with your stupid name on it, and you'd better act like it's the best gift ever."
"A...what? You got me a jersey?"
"Well, it's more from the team than me, I just got the ball rolling. Fuck it, you might as well open that now, too."
"James, will you just..."
But James was jogging into the bedroom again, where they'd set their already-packed bags and gifts for the early drive to the Knight home. He returned with a large box and set it on Kendall's lap. "Open it."
"We were having a serious discussion."
"And we'll get back to it after this." James slipped his phone out and got into position to record Kendall. "I promised them video. Go for it."
"Who?"
"Just open it. Babe."
After a chuckle at the word, Kendall started ripping at the paper. James got video rolling just in time to capture Kendall lifting the top off the box. He pushed aside tissue paper and stared down in awe at a jersey made up of forest green, white, and splashes of red and gold—the colors of the Minnesota Wild. "Is this..."
"Official. From the team itself."
Lips trembling, Kendall lifted the heavy material out and turned it around to read his last name on the back, along with signatures from each member of the current team. It had always been his dream to see his name on a true Wild jersey, and somehow James had known that. Tears tracked down his cheeks. "You're amazing."
"There's more."
"What?"
"In the box."
Kendall swallowed and gently set aside the jersey, then found the sheet of thick paper that had been resting underneath. It was a certificate naming him an honorary member of the team, signed by the team's head coach and the commissioner of the NHL.
"They wanted to do a big ceremony and present you with all this, but I know how much you hate that sort of thing so I promised them video instead. You're a legend to them, Kendall. They watched you play in the minors and wanted you on the team so badly. Oh, we also have season passes to every game for the rest of your life. I think it's about time we got out to a game, don't you?"
Kendall couldn't speak. He was capable of no more than shaking his head as he read over the certificate, eyes pouring out emotion in the form of tears. James shut off the camera, then gently took the paper from him and set it on the table. He knelt before Kendall for the embrace that he knew was coming, Kendall shaking as he sobbed into James' neck. "I love you," he choked out.
"I know," James whispered. "I love you, too."
"Don't ever leave me, please don't ever leave me."
James hugged him tighter and rocked with him until he calmed down slightly. "That brings us to my next gift."
"No James, no more, I just want you to take me to bed and hold me. I need to know you're not going anywhere."
"Then sit back and let me talk."
"No, don't want to let go."
"I won't go far," James promised. It took another minute, but James finally freed himself from Kendall's grip. Already on his knees, he leaned back to reach into the pocket of his jeans for the tiny box he'd shoved in there, then settled back down on his heels again. "So even though I said yes to your proposal of marriage, you think there's someone else I want to be with."
"I can't help it, James. You're so perfect for me and I see you with him and see how he just knows what you need every second and it scares me."
"He doesn't know, though. He can't give me what I need most in life, and it's about so much more than sex. It's everything. And that's what only you can give me."
Kendall bit his lip, emotionally distraught in a way he'd never been. He hated that James could do this to him, reduce him to begging. It made him feel weak. Nobody had ever reached this deeply into him before.
"You're worried that if it doesn't work out between Logan and Carlos, I'll be there for him. In a way, I would. But so would you. Because friends don't let others go through suffering alone. And that is what Logan is to both of us now—a friend. We both had more than that with him, we know what it's like. And yet we still couldn't stop thinking about each other and wishing we were together. I know what I'm missing with him now, and I don't ever want to go back to that."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I realized a few days ago that me accepting your proposal, it changed something in my heart. Suddenly I belonged to you. I knew you wanted me enough to take that chance with me, to shut out every other possibility and say 'This is what I want and it's never going to change.' But you don't have that same reassurance, you're afraid I only ran to you because I was losing Logan."
"That's not—"
"It is, Kendall. So let me show you that isn't the case." James opened his hand to reveal the gray velvet box, then flipped it open so Kendall could see the silver band resting inside.
"Wait. You can't propose to me. I already proposed to you, there's no redo."
"This isn't a redo. Just because I said yes to you, that doesn't mean you're saying yes to me."
"Of course it does!"
"No. Here's what I'm offering you, Kendall. Forever. The promise that I believe in us enough to swear off all other men, including Logan, because I know that it doesn't get any better than this. I had what I thought I needed; I was so wrong. I felt it the second I looked into your eyes. We talked about that, remember? I didn't know it was you I was talking to, and...did you know it was me then?"
"No."
"Well, we know now. This is how it's supposed to be. This is real. When I go to bed at night, it's you I want to be with. When I wake up horny at 3 A.M., it's you I want next to me." James pulled Kendall down to whisper into his ear. "In me." He was rewarded with a harsh breath followed by a shudder. "When I stand in front of a judge and promise my love and devotion forever, it's you I want to be staring at. And you know I don't leave once I commit myself to someone."
"James, I need you."
"I'm here."
"No, now. I need you now."
"Can't we at least—"
James was bodily lifted off his knees, barely managing to keep hold of the box as Kendall shoved him over the back of the couch and dragged his jeans down forcefully. He reached under the cushion, where James had stowed a bottle of lube the previous week after a trip to the store to purchase enough to keep one in each room. They'd had so much sex since the beginning of winter break that James didn't need a lot of preparation, and it was a good thing since Kendall wasn't in the mood to be patient. He buried himself inside James with a feral groan, James arching into it in ecstasy.
"Is that a yes?"
"Swear it. Swear you want me and only me."
"Every second of every day."
Kendall set up a frenzied rhythm that spoke of his desperation to keep James at his side, to believe that this would never end. It was difficult to focus on anything else with his body experiencing so many sensations at once, but James worked the ring out of the box and let that fall to the carpet, then grabbed for Kendall's hand. He pulled it over his shoulder enough to slip the ring on, and Kendall came with a howl that threatened to shatter James' eardrums. A few thrusts against the back of the couch got James there, and once he could speak again he said, "I'm moving in. Before we go back to school."
"We'll cut our visit with Mom a little short."
James nodded. "Every time we fuck I swear it can't get better. And then the next time, it does."
Kendall kissed James' neck. "A lifetime of that. Think you can handle it?"
"I don't think I could handle life without it."
James felt Kendall's lips curve into a smile. They were going to be just fine.