A/N: Welcome to the first Uchiha-centric chapter. Hehehehehe.

Hello, my name is Uchiha Itachi. I am the heir to Uchiha Incorporate and the first son of its chief executive officer Uchiha Fugaku, the man credited with the revival of the Uchiha Clan. Since I could remember, nothing has ever affected me to the point of utter humiliation. Very little causes me great concern or stress, aside from my family affairs and the natural worry I have for my younger, more reckless brother. Assuming it falls in line with my own morals and values, there are few tasks that I would reject to doing.

Or so I thought this were true, but as of today I would like to add one thing to my short list of things I will never do again:

I will never. Ever. Purchase contraceptives with my cousin accompanying me. EVER. Again.

X

"Where are we headed Itachi?"

Itachi's normally unshakeable nerves were vibrating at a dangerous level. Before stepping into his cousin, Shisui's, car he had some predilections about the situation. He knew, going in, he would have to face quite a bit of teasing from his cousin, but he was mostly accustomed to his endless comments.

The Uchiha were hailed as extremely intelligent, add a strong sense of humor and you are bound to have an exhausting evening.

However, Itachi's nerves were so much more frazzled by the concept of going to a pharmacy and purchasing contraceptives on his own that he decided he would endure his cousin for the trip. Perhaps bringing extremely familiar company would soothe him a bit. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

"To the nearest pharmacy. There is one a couple of miles away."

"Pharmacy, ei?"

Shisui shifted the gear into reverse.

"What do you plan to purchase on our grand adventure?" He put an arm on the passenger seat and looked back as he pulled out of the parking space.

Itachi remained silent for a few moments. He had to word this carefully. Shisui returned both hands to the steering wheel and smoothly drove out of the lot, patiently awaiting his cousins answer.

Itachi mumbled and looked out the window.

"What was that?"

"Contraceptives." His voice was only slightly louder.

"One more time I didn't hear you."

"Contraceptives." He said firmly.

The car stopped at a red light.

"Please… no…" Itachi whispered.

"YOU DOG, YOU!"

Shisui's grin was so large dimples had formed on his cheeks. Itachi propped an elbow on the armrest of the car door and hid his face beneath his palm.

"Please stop."

"You know, after you told me about your first date, I thought, maybe you two were going to take it really slow. Like a kiss after a week, a make out after two or three, and then finally you two would jump into bed, after signing the marriage papers first of course, but here you go. One date later and you just can't wait to get there, can you? Cousin, I have to say, I'm proud of you."

Itachi did not react to his cousins drawn out and overly excited monologue. Saying anything would make him spurt out another innuendo or some other semi-vulgar statement and would only serve to embarrass him more. He knew the evening would continue like this, so he mustered up his courage and sat up straight.

"You're going to buy condoms, right? Which kind are you going to get?"

"…I'm not sure."

"Right right, you know buying this stuff isn't easy at first. You don't know which ones are comfy, you don't know which ones she'll like yet…" he grinned again. "Not that it won't take you long to figure it out."

Itachi's face returned to hiding behind the feeble shield that was his palm.

"So how many are you going to get?"

"…"

Shisui elbowed him playfully.

"C'mon, I know you. You always think things through."

"…I don't know how many I'll need. I suppose a small pack is fine."

Shisui chuckled:

"It's cheaper to get a large box."

Itachi's face flushed from the idea of carrying a large box of condoms to the cash register.

I don't think I can do this.

"I… I'll start off with a small one…"

Shisui pulled into the parking lot. He set the brake with motion of finality and placed a hand on Itachi's shoulder. His fingers gripped his shirt and he snapped his head towards him dramatically.

"Trust me cousin," he began. "Once you get a taste you're not going to want to stop."

Shisui's dark eyes were glistening with honesty and encouragement, but Itachi only leaned away from him.

"Please refrain from saying things like that."

No, he wasn't imagining his cousin bedding some woman… okay so he was, but it wasn't his own fault. The trouble with discussing things of this nature is you are prone to imagine whatever it is you are being described. Unfortunately, the younger Uchiha was a very cognitive fellow, who had to consider all possibilities and situations before his brain would calm and he could repeat the best of all.

"I mean…" Shisui sat back in the chair and suddenly took on a faraway look. "It's one of the best things ever."

"Please…" Itachi voice had reduced to a whisper yet again.

"And when you get it just right it's…" He followed his statement with a short grunt of pleasure.

Itachi opened the car door and exited quickly on his long legs.

"Wait up!"

Why did I bother coming here? After that I'm never going to… every time I think about that I'm going to remember that sound he made… As he approached the pharmacy entrance his feet slowed, his newfound nervousness was increasing again. His palms were beginning to sweat. Shisui jogged to his side and stopped when Itachi froze just a few feet before the sensor in the sliding door could recognize him.

"You okay."

"…yes, just give me a moment."

"Sure thing pal!" He put his hands on his hips and puffed his chest, staring at the closed glass door.

A couple off young women strolled in, both speaking in hushed tones and darting their bashful gazes at the two handsome men standing near the entrance. Shisui showed them a toothy smile when they glanced back. One of the women squealed while the other snatched her friends arm and dragged her between the aisles.

"Maybe I'll grab some condoms myself."

Itachi released a loud sigh and entered the pharmacy in a few smooth strides. Shisui trotted in behind him, letting his eyes wander wherever while his cousin located the contraceptives using the convenient signs. He didn't go there immediately, instead he slowly meandered down multiple rows, pretending to look at the wares, but not truly invested in anything.

Shisui demonstrated much patience during this part of their outing. He even made small talk as they eventually came upon the family planning sections and halted in front of multiple levels of boxes. This pharmacy, in particular, sold many different brands in addition to many different types of condom.

Itachi was overwhelmed and unsure of where to begin. Shisui reached out and read a bright red box labeled Okamoto.

"They sell the thinnest one in the world, it's ridiculous, but awesome."

Itachi slowly looked at his cousin.

"…is there a difference?"

"When it comes to thickness, absolutely."

He pointed to a labeling on the box and Itachi leaned closer to read.

"Zero point zero one millimeters. That's practically not wearing a condom, but they're durable."

"…"

"Trust me on that. They work."

"Shisui…"

He replaced the box on the shelf.

"Maybe you'll want to try a slightly thicker one just for peace of mind."

"Perhaps."

"What size do you need?"

Itachi no longer wanted to be in the pharmacy. He formulated a multitude of escape plans, but his cousin placed a firm hand on his shoulder again. Shisui is terrifying because it sometimes appears that he can read my mind.

"Regular or large? Or wait, small? Do you need the smaller sizes? I wouldn't think so… you know among the older guys they have this joke… what was it… how does it go?"

Itachi secretly wished a hole would open in the floor or he could magically set fire to something that would be a good enough distraction, but unfortunately it was impossible to create black fire in this world.

"Oh right. The Uchiha heads are as wide as the family tree trunk."

Why can't I dissipate into a flurry of crows or some other fantastic thing? Anything to get me away from here…

"You see it's a double-entendre. Heads as in we're really smart and heads as in…"

"Please, Shisui, for the love of everything that is good. Stop."

Itachi grabbed a box of assorted condoms and walked away. He remained stoic-faced at the cashier and left the store with Shisui trailing behind with a large grin. They were silent as the older man drove the car from the small parking lot. It didn't take long for them to return to the apartment.

"Wait, Itachi before you go."

Itachi had calmed down quite a bit during the car ride, so he settled back into the passenger seat.

"What is it?"

"I didn't tell you earlier because I wanted you to enjoy your date, but you need to know."

Itachi waited.

"Inabi-san came by your apartment when you weren't there. I intercepted him with a phone call and got him to leave before Sumire could answer the door."

The younger Uchiha took the information in slowly.

"They know that you are living with a woman, but right now it's only a rumor. I think they're getting antsy. Just be careful and watch out for her."

"I see… thank you for letting me know."

"No problem."

"And thank you for coming with me. I will see you soon."

"Have a nice night." Shisui finished his statement with a wink and Itachi dashed from the car.

X

Itachi stepped onto the wooden flooring and hid the small bag behind his back. Just as he was passing the opening into the kitchen he heard Sumire utter:

"Ah, buttholes."

He paused, for he was not expecting to hear such a thing upon entering his household.

"Oh, Itachi-san! I didn't hear you come in!" She noticed the awestruck Uchiha lingering in the doorway.

His lips parted but he found himself at a loss for words. Her cheeks colored.

Wait. Did he hear me?

She fidgeted a bit, her head lowering.

"…was that…"

"Huh?" she looked up again.

"Was that your form of a curse?"

Her startled expression was coupled with her open-palmed hands waving frantically from side to side.

"Oh well! No! I was just! Um… I realized the other day I've been… I've been cursing a lot and I wanted to try something else because if I curse too much then I might not pay attention and curse in inappropriate situations and I just… don't want to do that."

The exhaustion from the long explanation made her hands drop and her shoulder hunch. The embarrassment emanating from her was visible enough it was almost rising from her like a trail of steam.

Itachi, meanwhile, had his eyes closed and was smiling rather fondly over the display. Flowers seemed to be floating around his peaceful expression.

So cute.

"A-a-a-anyway, how was your outing?"

And once again he was snapped back to the reality of his situation. He was standing in front of the woman he was dating with a large box of condoms concealed behind his back. His mind flashed with every possibility: how would she react if she saw it? Would she be upset, embarrassed, angry? She might think I have a one-track mind, that I'm rushing things. Of course that would upset her. But what if she… becomes excited? Eager maybe? Would I be able to handle it?

His lack of response had her tipping her head in curiosity. She noticed the arm that was bent behind his back and she stepped towards him.

"What did you buy?"

"N-nothing, I-"

Itachi never stuttered. Her interest peaked, she hopped towards him, grabbing at his arm. He raised it above his head.

"C'mon, let me see!" her voice became higher.

She was on the very tips of her toes, helplessly wiggling her fingers just above his head towards the item that was far beyond her reach.

"No fair! You're really tall!"

Itachi's heart started to race, for the small woman's body was pressing tightly against his. He could feel her soft breasts grinding against his torso. She made a small frustrated sound, still trying to grab the item despite the distance between his hand and hers.

How can I stop this? I would rather not have her find out at all… I could…

His eyes focused on her pink, pouting lips. He didn't need to entertain another idea. His hand cupped her cheek and he descended upon her in one smooth motion. She released a short, muffle "mm" sound when his mouth pressed to hers.

Her straining arm relaxed and rested against his chest. Her fingers squeezed his dress-shirt. The arm holding the box wrapped around her waist and their heads turned a bit in opposite directions. Their mouths kneaded harder.

The warm, fluttery sensations made her lean her weight against him. However, he had not braced himself for it. He took a step back and his foot slipped along the smooth wooden floor. Itachi toppled backwards and met the ground with a loud, solid thud. The impact made him loose his grip and the box bounced away from him.

Sumire had fallen atop him, her body stretched across his own. When she realized what happened she quickly balanced herself on her palms above him.
"I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." He answered and propped himself on one elbow.

Where is it?

"Aha!" Sumire launched herself forward.

Her breasts pressed directly into his raised face while she plucked the small bag from behind his head. Itachi was stunned for quite a few moments, but his shock transformed into absolute fear. Sumire had a pleased smile on her face as she pulled down the plastic bag and revealed the box. Her eyes scanned the words on it.

Itachi watched in some horror while her smile dissolved into a straight line. Her eyes were wide as she reread the box over and over.

Oh. Oh dear. He… he bought… and he was trying to hide it from me not to... how much did it take out of him to go and buy these? He comes off as calm and confident, but with some things he can be so nervous… I… and here I am embarrassing him more… he must have been so worried about how I would react if I saw this…

Her hands dropped against his chest and she lowered her head.

"I'm sorry, Itachi-san. I should have just left you alone."

He stabilized on both his elbows and shook his head.

"Don't worry about it."

Her eyelids halved and she set the box of condoms aside. Slowly she stretched across him and resumed where they had left off. As their lips pressed she teased her tongue into his mouth. His hands gently gripped her waist. She moaned.

Please touch me, she thought. Her temperature was rising steadily. Please touch me everywhere, please. She could feel a deep desperation in her body, a desperation for his hands to smooth over every inch of her, gripping and kneading as he pleased. However, his hands remained firmly placed on her waist.

She let herself drop on top of him and it simply became to much for the Uchiha. He lifted her off by her shoulders and said:

"I'm sorry, I've got some work to do."

"Oh…"

She climbed off him. He collected his things and was behind his office door before she could say another word. Sumire felt a pit developing in her stomach.

He bought condoms but… does he not want to? No, he's just busy. That's all… that's all…

Tuesday Afternoon

Sasuke was seated in his car with his fingers drumming against the steering wheel impatiently. He rubbed a calloused part of his hand for a moment, then let his eyes drift up to look through the windshield. He was waiting for his girlfriend. Since moving in together, he agreed to pick her up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Those were her busiest days, she had multiple labs that started early in the morning and by the time she was done she was usually so exhausted she didn't want to walk home. It didn't take much for her to coax him into the arrangement. She batted her eyelashes and flashed her bright green eyes at him and he became malleable. Such was the Achilles heel of an Uchiha: kindness towards the one they loved. Outside the windshield he noticed a woman exiting the gates of the college, but she looked nothing like his girlfriend. Instead he felt a sharp sensation of irritation upon looking at the woman who he deeply disliked.

The woman suddenly paused, her expression was filled with fear. Is she looking at me? No. The woman was staring forward at a man standing a few feet in front of her. Sasuke had never seen that sort of fear in her. When she looked at him he only ever saw irritation or resentment, not eyes beginning to fill with tears. The man across from her started towards her and she backed away.

A heavy feeling of concern came over him. Why do I… He knew why. Within his subconscious he knew that his woman was important to him, simply because she was important to his precious older, brother. But would not one else help her? The people that passed glanced at the pair but quickly walked away, it was not their business after all. Sasuke remembered the words of a woman he once knew:

"Those who stand by and do nothing are just as guilty."

He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out of the car.

X

The world was closing in on her. That's why she couldn't run. Fear froze her. Hisashi was going to grab her. He was going to drag her into his car. He was going to take her away.

But someone stepped between them.

Sumire's immediate thought was Itachi had come to save her, of course he did, he's amazing, he's a genius, he's…

"She obviously doesn't want to go with you."

Sumire stared up at the spiked black hair.

Shisui-san? No…

"Get out of my way." Hisashi growled.

His hands clenched into fists. The man standing in front of her said nothing. He silently stared back at Hisashi, his body tense. Sumire clung to her bag, unsure of what to do. Hisashi took another step towards them and Sasuke moved his feet to shoulder-width. Immediately he looked dangerous. The calm with which he shifted made Hisashi stop. He took a moment to study the pale young man shielding the woman. Something told him if he fought him he wouldn't win. He took one final look at Sumire, making sure to lock eyes with her, then spun and stalked away.

"Sasuke." She whispered his name, because she couldn't believe it was really him.

He faced her, showing her the same narrowed eyes and frown he had shown Hisashi. That did not matter to her. Her emotions overflowed and she bellowed:

"Thank you."

His eyes went wide when she wrapped her arms around his torso and cried into his chest. Sakura didn't cry often, he wasn't used to comforting crying women. He felt extremely uncomfortable having this woman press herself to him in search of comfort.

Sasuke did not know the great good he had done. He did not know the man who had approached her or his intentions. He did not know that he had saved her life.

A/N: I can never make just a funny or just a dramatic chapter, lol. I must admit I almost pissed myself laughing while writing the first section. I hope I made someone else laugh. Leave a review if you feel like it! I like hearing back from you all! Thanks for reading!