Chapter 42: Cessation of Suffering (Boomerang effect)
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
"Normal speech"
'Inner speech/thoughts'
'Inner spirit speech'
'Inner hollow/Zanpakuto speech'
xxx
In the world of the living humans came up with a simple yet profound phrase:
"War never changes."
We, Shinigami, have mastered the art of undermining and underestimating humans, treating them as lesser beings and seeing them as an existence that's below us. Considering many of us were humans in our past lives, I can almost taste the irony. But this fact has been forgotten, abandoned and thrown away as unnecessary and unneeded. Once we became Shinigami, we shed our human shell and began to consider ourselves to be a different, better race. But none of us has ever found anything as true as this phrase. For all our advances, our cultural and military progress, we never stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, humans have gone further than any of us ever expected them to go.
I have visited the world of the living many times and I saw things which left me amazed, wondering whether I was dreaming and entered a world of wonders, but also things that caused me to shed tears. What I witnessed was a world of opposites mixed in a hardly comprehensible yet strangely alluring equilibrium. And even though I died less than one and a half century ago, I felt like an alien on a planet that was no longer mine. Being a Shinigami has changed me, made me forget just how interesting humans are. Their history is so rich, it's no wonder they could think of something as truthful as this.
War never changes.
What exactly is a war?
A textbook explanation would be that war is a state of armed conflict between states or societies, generally characterized by extreme aggression, destruction, and mortality, using regular or irregular military forces. Is it a good explanation? Yes, it is. Is it a sufficient explanation?
Definitely not.
I have been a Shinigami for a few decades, yet until now, I did not know war. Those few conflicts I had to settle so far have been nothing but a droplet of blood in an ocean of gore that is a true war. I didn't know just how mind-numbing, soul-crushing and unfair a war could be. Such image was beyond my imagination.
Now, it has been only days since the war with Aizen Sōsuke ended, yet I still pass my free time mourning my fallen comrades, friends and fellow officers. I mourn them alone, with my zanpakuto spirit or together with a bottle of strong alcohol. One would say such actions are shameful. I don't care. I am not ashamed to admit my weakness and to admit that losing others is not an easy pill to swallow. Every night, I wake up feeling terrible. My dreams have turned into nightmares, filled with screams of pain, filled with agony. Images of my fellow Shinigami being mowed down like cattle in a slaughterhouse do not let me rest. Flashes of Cero burning the flesh, disintegrating corpses of my fallen brethren prevents me from closing my eyes. Glimmer of a blade striking from above, cleaving a fellow officer into pieces and splashing my face full of his warm blood churns my insides so much I cannot raise the spoon and eat my meals. Stench of dead bodies, dried up blood and hacked entrails haunt my nose and only a fiery liquid of mixed chemicals, alcohol, can calm my nerves. It is a repeating cycle of self-torture many have to endure, yet few seem to talk about.
War never changes.
Be it a war for money, power, territory or simple truth in a sea of lies, a war never changes. Whatever its origin, a war brings despair and suffering. Whatever its purpose, those who are forced to fight it die like animals, in a shower of pointless agony that splatters their boiling blood in every direction. And so, nowadays, I ask myself a simple question.
Was it worth it?
The Gotei 13 has lost 183 officers. Another 57 are still in care of the 4th Division. My Division has lost 21 men. I myself have lost 24 comrades. Dead or fighting for their lives in 4th Division, they lost an important piece of their souls that they will never get back. Once they saw the horrors of a conflict that didn't have to happen, a part of them died. They will never be the same. Ever again. So, for me, this war was not worth it.
But I am not the only one who has fought. There are many others who fought but the majority of us ignored their voices. Since I never wanted for this to be only about my thoughts, I ventured into vast roads of Seireitei to get a clearer picture of the situation and to listen to any voice I could find. Most of them told me the same thing:
"I never asked for this."
Gotei 13 is and always was a military unit tasked with protecting Soul Society and its souls. We are always ready to fight, to save and to defend those who cannot do that for themselves. Yet many of us do not wish to fight wars that should never happen. In retrospect, I cannot fault anyone who thinks along such lines. Who would want to relive their worst nightmares over and over again? I don't. We gained nothing. We won, but what is it we won? A pointless skirmish. Presumably, there was a profound reason behind this war but a regular soldier never learns what it is. A regular solider suffers, bleeds and dies for something he may not even understand.
In my tour through Seireitei, I asked and received answers but I was also asked questions myself. Being a high-ranking officer, I should have had the answers, yet I had none. How do you even reply to words such as these?
"Why did I have to lose my wife?"
A random soldier asked me that. As I looked at him, at his face stricken with numb pain, I couldn't find my voice. He repeated his question many times but my lips remained frozen. I myself have lost comrades I cared about but this man, a regular, ordinary soldier, has lost a half of his soul. I guess saying nothing was the best thing I could have done. His friends then took him away, giving me apologetic glances, but I could see the unspoken words radiating from each of them.
They blamed me.
In that moment, the realization caused me to gulp. Then I found myself agreeing with them. They did not blame me as a person, they blamed me as somebody who represents the upper echelon of military power. They were regular soldiers, low-ranking officers, and they were the group of Shinigami who suffered the most. Gotei 13 did not lose a single Captain or a Vice-Captain. All the losses were from the lower ranks and, looking at it with cold logic, it makes sense. The stronger you are, the better chance to survive you have. But the raw emotions stemming from the consequences of the war override the logical side of the brain and the feeling of injustice among the lower ranked Shinigami breeds corrosion and resentment.
Thus, the human phrase: war never changes, begins to make more sense.
War truly doesn't change. The generals and those who hold the true power, hidden in the shadows of politics, almost never suffer like those who are powerless do. They watch the conflict from afar, judge the tides of war with ruthless logic and treat the losses like statistical errors.
Or do they?
In my quest for the true portrayal of the destruction left in the war's wake, I got ahold of few high-ranking officers. Some, like the Captain of the 11th Division, told me only that the war "was boring but there were few moments I enjoyed", a sentiment that reverberates in the whole 11th Division. But there were others, who did not share the similar view. Others, who suffered just as a regular Shinigami did. Take the temporal Captain of the 5th Division, Captain Hitsugaya. Regarded as mature and serious, to the point of having an aloof attitude, Captain Hitsugaya is one of those who did not escape the war unscathed. Despite receiving heavy injuries, the physical pain is not the origin of his suffering. Same as me and same as the Vice-Captain of the 3rd Division, he too suffered from betrayal. But the betrayal he suffered was amplified because the one who betrayed him was a person he had known ever since he was a child and a person, whom he cares about the most. This betrayal not only almost cost him his life but at the same time lives of many others. Feeling the weight of each death that occurred during the war is enough punishment for any of the regular Shinigami to agree that Captain Hitsugaya suffered just as much as they did.
Then there's Captain of the 13th Division, Captain Ukitake. It is widely known his body is frail but also that he always tries to keep a smile on his face. But, for a while now, this war has robbed him of that. It brought back the nightmare of the past in a form of a former Vice-Captain of the 13th Division, Kaien Shiba. I am sure there's no need for me to introduce this man. Kaien Shiba was and, to this day, remains one of the most popular officers in the Gotei 13. His death brought upon Seireitei a large cloud of sadness. However, not even in death did he find peace. Resurrected through unknown means as an abomination of his past self, he fought in the war as a member of the enemy elite team, the Espada. With the help of Kuchiki Rukia, the lower-ranking officer of the 13th Division, Captain Ukitake could once again, and hopefully for the last time, send Shiba-san into the reincarnation cycle. Yet the fight was difficult. Both Kuchiki-san and Captain Ukitake have suffered the first time Shiba-san died. A closely-knit family within the Division, the three of them used to share their free time with each other. But because of the war, they had to lose him one more time.
I myself have experienced a betrayal in this war. I faced my former superior, Captain Tōsen, a man I believed had betrayed his ideals. Since this isn't about me, I will refrain from making any further comments and only say watching him die was neither pleasant nor did it make me feel fulfilled. As a member of the 9th Division, my goal was never about revenge.
There are many, many more stories that this war has written and none of them have a perfectly happy ending If only because the war never changes. Instead, many are asking whether this war could have been prevented at all. Why do they ask that? It's simple. We were all witnesses to an extraordinary phenomenon that ended the entire war in a second.
Kurosaki Ichigo.
In a coma inside the 4th Division barracks, it's questionable if he'll ever wake up, but one thing can't be refuted. Whatever he had done to the leader of the opposing force, Aizen Sōsuke, it ended the whole conflict in a column of a dazzling energy vortex. Ignoring the obvious outcome of his actions, a question came to the minds of many:
"Why didn't he do that before anyone died?"
I am sure no one in Gotei 13 can blame him for what he has done, seeing that 99% of the remaining enemy army immediately lost their will to fight and it prevented further bloodshed. We are all grateful he stopped Aizen Sōsuke. Still, because nobody understands what exactly he has done, it is obvious many are confused. All the more so when we learned that he has played a decisive role in this war by playing a spy and providing the Gotei with important information about the enemy movement.
War never changes, but with the existence of soldiers like Kurosaki Ichigo, a change may be looming in the near future.
The question is, will he ever wake up?
Shūhei Hisagi, the Vice-Captain of the 9th Division, Editor in Chief of Seireitei Communication
…
In a blissful state of lethargy, deprived of the sensory input from all senses, Ichigo floated in a dark space without the knowledge of time, age or self-awareness. There was no pain, no earthly desires tying him to the plane of existence and no love. The poison in the form of passion, aversion and ignorance had died out, leaving only pure energy flowing within him. It was so pure, not even the darkest phase of the moon could extinguish it.
He was, and he wasn't.
As a being, he was continuously released and then tied back to his human shell. It was a calm, peaceful cycle of reconstruction, where every single fiber of his soul was remade, created from anew and filled with the energy to advance further into a state of transcendence. However, such a condition was not yet attainable for him. A ziggurat reaching into the skies, the tip of his soul was for now not elevated enough. He had long passed the test of enlightenment and now, finally, he reached the unity. Volatile but also calm, he co-existed in harmony with each river within his soul.
However, there was a hole. A deep, wide, black hole created at the instant of forceful expulsion, when a layer of his consciousness reached the One above. While slowly being filled, two tiny dots of familiar energies circled around him, observing him. They both knew what he had done, and they both allowed it to happen. It wouldn't have been him if he had done it in any other way. Heeding his warning, they had receded deep into the abyss of his soul, where they waited until it was over. Now, they guarded his shell, knowing he would shield them from harm forever.
As time passed, and the hole became whole, they remembered his wish and after giving him a light mental nudge, to jolt him awake, the two of them withdrew from the light and let him exist. Moments later, one by one, senses and his ghost returned into his shell and restored the equilibrium. The energy within him slowly poured out of his body and forced the dark space surrounding him to retreat.
It was time for him to return.
…
Deep within the compound of the 4th Division, a lone patient was lying in a simple bed, surrounded by a horde of medical apparatus. Even though there was physically nothing wrong with him, each and every single piece of his body was monitored in case he woke up. For some time, the room had been filled with constant, yet monotone, beeping.
Then the pattern of the beeps changed. It was just a slight, miniscule alteration, yet for the machine, it was a change nonetheless. Immediately, the apparatus sent a signal to the main desk, where an operator, a low-ranking officer of the 4th Division almost fell of the chair from the shock.
Meanwhile, the patient, a young man with orange hair, stirred. His mind was not yet working but slowly, tiny bits of reasoning started to boot up. In a few more seconds his eyes fluttered open and he felt the first thought after a long time.
'My eyes hurt!'
Reflexively, he shut his eyes closed and tried to escape the sunlight persistently beating down on him. He squeezed his eyes to the point where his whole face twisted into what seemed to be an expression of agony. Slowly, he managed to turn his head so that his face was pointed towards darker spot in the room and felt the pain gradually lessen. With a shaky arm, he brought his right hand towards his face and gently pressed it into his forehead. A second thought formed in his brain.
'My throat's parched.'
Carefully, he stopped mashing his eyelids together and allowed himself to slightly open his eyes. A tiny slit at first, his eyes fully opened a few more seconds later to see a blurry image of a room. As the wheels in his brain began to turn faster, more and more thoughts formed in his mind, filling in the blank spots with logical and analytical thinking. Not liking the blurriness in his sight, he blinked several times until the image in front of him turned clear. There, practically next to him, was a bedside table with a glass filled with a translucent liquid sitting on top of it.
'Water.'
He wanted to reach for it but found himself unable to do so. His body just didn't seem to respond to his mental commands. For a split-second, fear of being paralyzed gripped his innards. Then he noticed his own hand on his face and managed to release a weak snort. With renewed vigor, he gritted his teeth and willed his limbs to move. His other arm responded immediately but his legs took a second to follow suit. A few huffs later, he tensed his abdomen and slowly pushed himself to a sitting position. Light dizziness made him sway but he quickly pushed his back into the wall behind him. Almost immediately, he shivered from the contact. The soft, sterile wall was so cold, it almost made him yelp in surprise.
As the dizziness passed, he gathered his strength and grabbed the glass of water. A small object that it was, in that moment it felt like a boulder made of steel, too heavy to lift. Still, he was way too stubborn to just give up and after several failed attempts, he was finally rewarded with a gulp of pleasantly cold, fresh water.
Having his dry throat licked with the stream of pure liquid felt heavenly and he couldn't help but to sigh in bliss.
"Ahhh… th-"
With wide eyes, as soon as he tried to speak, a coughing fit attacked his body and almost made him spill water in the glass. Not to mention the pain that the sudden activity caused him to feel. All of the muscles in his body protested against the strain and made him feel as if he was being poked with thousands of needles at the same time.
'Holy… I hurt like hell.'
When the fit subsided, he carefully took several deep breaths to calm his body down and then closed his eyes. The next ten minutes were spent with intense thinking until the door to his room burst open to reveal two female figures quickly closing in on him. He tensed and stared at them with a hard gaze.
"You gave us quite a fright, Kurosaki-san." The woman with hair tied into a thick braid commented with a sweet smile. As she got closer, she glanced at his posture and the glass of water firmly gripped in his hand.
"It's quite the surprise you seem to be able move as much as you do. After three weeks spent in a coma, I expected your muscles to be fairly atrophied."
The young man's eyes narrowed.
'Three weeks… no wonder I feel so weak.' He mentally noted and watched the woman sit down on a nearby chair and place one of her hands above his abdomen. A warm, green glow formed around her palm and he watched it move up and down his midsection with mild interest.
"You said Kurosaki. I take it that's my name?"
His questions must have been unexpected as the green glow briefly flickered out of existence and he heard a sharp intake of breath coming from the other woman who stood at the end of his bed. The two females exchanged a brief look and the one with the glowing hand slowly nodded, while turning her face towards him.
"Yes… Kurosaki Ichigo."
He accepted the answer with a quiet hum and then looked away from her. Giving the room a quick glance, he narrowed his eyes even further.
"Say, where exactly am I…uh, whatever your name is?"
After a second of silence, the woman retracted her hand and he noticed her intense stare.
"In the medical wing of 4th Division barracks, Kurosaki-san." She replied calmly.
Blinking two times, he looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
"I see. And where is that?"
…
With his eyes closed, Ichigo strained his ears to hear the quiet voices coming from behind the badly closed door of his room.
"It seems he's suffering from a heavy case of amnesia. He doesn't remember where he is, what date it is or even who he is. Remarkably enough though, he's taking it very well and seems as calm as I could expect him to be in this kind of situation. I explained few things to him and it appears he understood most of it but he can't associate the information with any visual reference."
A gruff, annoyed voice grunted.
"In basic terms, Captain Unohana."
"He understood he was a Shinigami named Kurosaki Ichigo and is currently in a Soul Society, but he does not understand what the term Shinigami or Soul Society actually means. It means he won't be able to tell you anything about what happened with Aizen Sōsuke."
Another grunt came from behind the door.
"How long do you think it'll take him to regain his memory?"
The voice of the woman who had talked to him before offered an answer in the same composed way, but there was a subtle hint of annoyance in it.
"You know how these things are, Commander. It could take him a day, a week, a year or maybe it won't happen at all. Amnesia is a tricky diagnosis."
"But you are sure it is amnesia, and he isn't just pretending, right?"
There a slight pause and Ichigo felt a slight chill creeping up his spine. Whatever was the cause, the man outside his room must have felt it too, because Ichigo heard him clear his throat.
"Absolutely. Considering his current state and what happened before, it makes complete sense. You need to understand this, Commander; whatever happened between him and Aizen Sōsuke caused him to burn practically all of his reiryoku reserves. And none of that reiryoku regenerated. In comparison with how strong he was before, you can barely even classify him as a Shinigami anymore. The amount of reiryoku I could sense flowing within him is just on a level of a weaker student in the Shinigami Academy. For goodness' sake, the boy almost killed himself with that stunt."
After a moment of pregnant silence, the gruff-sounding man released a sigh.
"What are his chances?"
"Hard to say. Kurosaki Ichigo that we knew was an extremely stubborn individual, so I'm positive that given enough time, he will recover. His core is way too powerful for him to remain in such a state. Physically, aside from the obvious, there is nothing wrong with him. Mentally, I detected no anomalies but a serious incident like this could change his personality. For the better or for the worse. I'd say our only choice is to wait and see."
Once the woman finished talking, Ichigo heard a sound of footsteps slowly walking away, which meant the conversation was most likely over. With that in mind, he released a heavy sigh and leaned into his pillow. There was a tiny, subtle hint of a smile playing on his lips.
'Well, that went better than I expected….'
…
Next time he woke up, he was no longer alone in the room. There was a whole group of Shinigami all around him. Most of them were either standing around the room or leaning on the walls but a few of them sat on the chairs next to his bed. All of them were looking at him with both expectant and almost hopeful gazes. In response, Ichigo kept an impassive façade though on the inside, he felt like sighing. In the back of his mind, he was aware that what he was doing was not fair but at the same time, he knew he needed time.
"Hello Ichigo." The man sitting closest to him greeted him in quiet voice.
"Can I help you?" He replied with an innocent question that caused the man, as well as the rest of the room, to sigh deeply. The man shifted in his seat and looked quite uncomfortable but still managed to continue as if nothing was wrong.
"Do you know who I am, Ichigo?"
Ichigo scrunched up his eyes and gave the man an uncertain look.
"It's a guess but you're probably some kind of family? Father maybe?" He stated, rather than asked and, before the man could respond, turned towards the petite girl on the opposite side of his bed with a questioning gaze.
"Which would make you my sister? I heard that I had some?"
He realized that the question was going too far as soon as he saw a shadow crossing the man's face. It was a cruel thing to say but he had no other choice if he wanted to continue doing what he had started.
"Yes and no. I'm Isshin, your father." Isshin said and then glanced at the petite girl, prompting her to sit straight and taking the mantle of talking from him.
"I'm Rukia. Kuchiki Rukia. We're… I'm… your friend, Ichigo."
Ichigo nodded to her with neutral expression. In an attempt to lessen the heavy atmosphere that was quite clearly setting within the room, he looked up at the others with an expectant gaze. Almost immediately, they responded, one by one.
"Abarai Renji."
"Hisagi Shūhei."
"Madarame Ikkaku."
"Ayasegawa Yumichika."
"Amagai Shūsuke."
"Matsumoto Rangiku."
With each name, Ichigo gave out a short nod.
"Nii-sama and some other Captains wanted to visit as well but we figured that it would fill the room with way too much reiatsu and since you barely have any now…" Rukia said but trailed off at the end as if realizing some painful truth.
"Right, that's the eh, pressure a Shinigami gives out whenever he's using his spiritual energy?" Ichigo reacted with an uncertain gaze.
"Yeah."
Nodding to himself, Ichigo then blinked.
"So, it's nice to see that people care about me but I kind of have no idea why?"
Somebody in the room audibly gulped but Ichigo didn't know who. It didn't really matter though. The reaction in itself was a clear indication that the occupants of the room finally lost any kind of hope they previously held. Sitting closest to him, Isshin cleared his throat and formed a sad, yet determined face.
"Well then, it's best that we start at the beginning. Do you want the short version or the complete one?" He asked, to which Ichigo pressed his lips together and slowly sat, so that his back was pushed into the wall behind him.
"If you don't mind, the complete one would be better."
Isshin nodded but there was a hint of hesitation written all over his face.
"Are you sure, Ichigo? Your story is not one of the happiest ones."
Ichigo slowly leaned forward and gave the man a hard but intense stare, causing the man to widen his eyes in surprise.
"You bet your ass I am sure." He said. A few of his visitors chuckled. Isshin managed to form a smile.
"Alright. So, it all began on a rainy night more than twenty years ago when I first met your mother…"
…
Hours later, Ichigo lay under heavy blanket that kept him warm despite the cold weather raging outside. While the Soul Society had only one season that lasted the whole year and so there was no chance of ever seeing a snow, the temperature mirrored the one in the World of the Living, where winter had already begun.
His eyes were closed yet he wasn't asleep. He was still sorting through his thoughts that had popped up while listening to his father, with occasional input from the others, retelling him the story of his life. He had taken the opportunity to study the reactions and obvious signs of strong emotions throughout the whole ordeal and found himself quite surprised with what he had noticed.
'I really thought they would hold some kind of grudge against me but they were genuinely happy to see me. Maybe I didn't screw things up as much as I thought…huh?'
Only because of the deafening silence he heard the door to his room open. It was the deepest and darkest part of the night and without any source of light, Ichigo had no idea who had just entered his room. However, as he listened to the almost cat-like footsteps of the unseen visitor, he got a vague idea of the person's identity. When the person stopped walking and he realized it was only inches away from his bed, he could smell the freshness, a pure clean aura of death, and knew he got it right.
Instinctively, he could feel the person leaning forward until the face covered with shadows of the night was barely a foot away from his own. A warm breath fell upon his skin and he had to fight the urge to shudder. Then, just as fast as it came, the warm feeling was gone. Yet the source of it remained standing close to him.
"You know, Kurosaki, if you did a better job on the mission, you wouldn't be in this mess right now." The person whispered in an even, but distinctively female, voice that could cut through steel.
"It was a such a foolish thing you did too. What did you even do to him, Kurosaki? Not even Kurotsuchi or Urahara know and that's saying something. Why couldn't you just stop the mission and quietly rejoin our ranks? We would have won the war even without you doing it. I'm sure of it."
Ichigo didn't dare to move a single inch but when a small hand landed on his shoulder, lightly tapping him in some sort of an awkward 'good boy' style, he almost jumped out of his skin. Fortunately for him, the person, she, didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.
Then the tapping stopped but the hand remained on his shoulder for a few more seconds.
"…what am I even saying? I shouldn't even be here. You are just another wounded soldier that has returned from a mission. I do not care about your well-being, not any less nor any more than I am supposed to."
The voice went silent and Ichigo thought it was over but then the hand on his shoulder twitched and painfully dug into his flesh.
"Who am I kidding… I'm sorry, Kurosaki. I apologize for sending you on a suicide mission. You are not a spy material yet I still sent you on an assignment of such type. When I look back, I know I had all the right reasons but also some bad ones too. I was just so angry at you. So angry that because of you, a barely trained and brass individual, Yoruichi-sama had to sacrifice herself. Anger clouded my judgement and I didn't think straight. Now… I feel guilty, which is an emotion I have never felt before. I feel guilty that because of my quick temper that I am yet to completely tame, I may have destroyed a young, promising Shinigami's career. My quick temper almost got you killed. You, the person so many of my peers hold in high regard. A person that Yoruichi-sama herself think highly of."
The voice never wavered and there was no stream of tears coming down her face. Despite the dark, Ichigo was sure of it. Even if because of an odd, morbid desire he actually wanted that to happen.
"And that is the highest kind of praise I could ever dream of, Kurosaki. I hope you can get through this. I was almost starting to enjoy our spars. You are a good soldier, Kurosaki. Remain one."
And just like that, she was gone. It was only after the door were already closing that he felt the light breeze created after her quick movement.
It was then that he finally allowed himself to take a breath. He then breathed out very slowly.
'Would you look at that. Something I would have never expected to witness, happened.' He thought and fought against a tiny smirk that formed on his face.
'So, you can act nice after all, Captain Sui-Feng.'
…
Three days later, Ichigo was finally released from the medical care with a clean health bill, though the Captain of the 4th Division had been quick to remind him not to strain himself too much for at least a few more days. Not interested in bickering with her, he had just shrugged and nodded without offering any words in return. Truthfully, he wasn't planning on doing any strenuous activity anyway. Not immediately at the very least.
In those last three days, he went through few more visits that left him more and more informed about the current state of the Soul Society. One of them left him a copy of the Seireitei magazine, which he immediately read through though he took his time reading the column of his direct superior officer, Hisagi. The contents surprised him but also left him strangely happy. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one dissatisfied with the state of affairs in Soul Society. It almost made him want to go and write an article himself but the reality of the official version of his state prevented him from doing so.
He had amnesia, after all. It would have been extremely strange for somebody who had just learned what the world was about to write anything preachy. If he wanted to scratch that itch, he would have to wait for a while. Coupled with his leave of absence, he suddenly found himself with an incredible amount of free time that briefly left him stumped. So far, he had spent most of his free time training but now, when his spiritual energy was apparently at the lowest point ever, even training was out of the question.
With nothing else to do, Ichigo spent his first day out of the 4th Division barracks simply roaming the streets of Seireitei. Having no definite direction in mind, he walked aimlessly, relying only on his legs to carry him wherever they wanted to go. From time to time, he met others, both low and high-ranking officers, yet he offered his greetings only sparsely. Reactions to his presence were varied.
Some seemed to be pretty excited about meeting him, calling him a hero of the war. Some reacted in an opposite manner. Most of them though, were neutral. Ichigo was content with it. Overly praising him would be both awkward and undeserving while overly antagonizing would be just bothersome. Neutral though… he could get behind neutral. It showed the Shinigami weren't a group of sheep, easily swayed by a known figure, although the more he thought about it, the more he wasn't sure whether it was because of his deeds or because of his personality.
'Eh, not like I really care.'
He didn't. Not being in the spotlight of the everyday life allowed him to live in a fairly quiet way and he liked that. After being in the middle of so many questionable situations, he was now well-known among the Seireitei population but losing most of his powers caused a large drop in their interest in him. It was a welcomed change and he embraced it fully by going on with his days in seclusion, reading books of fiction, something he had used to do in the distant past. And while the official Seireitei library didn't offer much of the modern literature, he was fine with the vast array of books containing the best minds of the past. Even Shakespeare, the author his past self enjoyed the most, had a few pieces there. Once again, he engrossed himself in the stylized language of the 16th century's England and eagerly soaked the tragedy of Danish prince, who died in his friend's arms, poisoned and betrayed by the politics of the aristocracy. Same as the prince, Ichigo pondered whether to be, or not to be. As always, he couldn't find the answer to such a question.
Feeling the irony, he flipped through the pages containing the story of a Scottish general; a story pertaining the damaging physical and psychological effects of political ambition on those who sought power for their own sake. As he read through the fine piece of literature, he was strongly reminded of the Soul Society and its patrons, the Shinigami.
Without scruples, he swallowed the masterpiece of tragedy, a story of gradual descent into madness of a King who brought destruction into his life with his own actions. The book strangely reminded him of his own life. It was then, when he realized two whole weeks had passed since his release from the 4th Division. As he carefully closed the book, he glanced at the ceiling above him and released a determined sigh.
'Time for some non-fiction.'
…
It was a cold morning that saw Ichigo walking through a narrow passage in the southern parts of Seireitei. Every time his calm, regular breath got outside his mouth, it turned into vapor. For several long minutes, it served him as a source of a tiny bit of amusement. He had never smoked before and wasn't even planning on trying it anytime soon, but the imagery of the vapor served as an idea of how he would look like if he tried it.
However, his amused expression was not in correspondence with his inner feelings. He kept a low, carefree profile and tried not to look as determined as he felt. He knew it wouldn't do him any good to appear as if he was in control.
'Better to let them think I'm harmless.' He thought.
Slowly immersing himself in the thoughts of the books he wanted to get, he didn't notice a person walking out of a nearby walkway. It was only because of the other person's awareness that they didn't collide.
"Ah, Ichigo-kun. It's good to see you."
It was a familiar voice that brought Ichigo out of his musings and made a small part of his face, located right under his left eye, twitch. He didn't mean to do that. I was just something of an instinctive reaction that he had built of over the months of being exposed to the elements of Soul Society. Elements like the person in front of him.
"Captain… Kyōraku, right?" Ichigo said slowly while giving the man a short nod. The Captain of the 8th Division formed a lazy smile in return.
"Indeed."
Once the words came out of the man's mouth, Ichigo waited for a few seconds but since it was clear nothing else was happening, he restarted walking, only to realize the man began to walk by his side.
"Can I help you with anything, Captain?" He asked in what he hoped was a polite enough tone.
"Hm? Oh, no, I don't think so. I was just wondering where you were headed." Kyōraku stated cheerfully, graciously ignoring the scowl that formed on Ichigo's face.
The small part below Ichigo's left eye twitched again. He drew a sharp breath that caused him to briefly close his eyes in an attempt to ignore the pain in his nose from the chilly air. Silently, he nodded towards the books in his hands.
"I'm returning these."
When he opened his eyes, he saw Kyōraku giving the books an interested glance. He mentally groaned, though he managed to stop himself from doing it for real, and sighed.
"Shakespeare, huh? He's famous for his tragedies, isn't he?" Kyōraku noted and raised one of his eyebrows.
"I guess."
"You don't look like the guy who would enjoy reading about a tragedy."
Ichigo bit the inside of his lower lip and shifted the books in his hands, while trying not to look the Captain in the eyes. For some reason, he felt threatened, even though it didn't make any sense to him.
"It's not about the tragedy itself. It's about the message contained in it." He replied after a brief moment of thinking. From the corner of his eyes, he saw Kyōraku turning his head away from him and pointing his eyes forward.
"Personally, I never read his works, so I wonder… what kind of message is that?"
Ichigo stopped walking and waited until the man did the same and looked at him. Raising his hands, he offered the man the books.
"If you want to know, you should read them. It's kind of a waste to spoil such good pieces of literature."
Kyōraku lowered his eyes to look at the books in front of him. He shook his head and Ichigo thought he caught a glimpse of sadness mirrored in his eyes.
"Thank you but I have to decline the offer. I… dislike tragedies. There are enough of them in the world around me and so I prefer to read things that uplift the spirit, not bury him under the weight of reality." Kyōraku said and then formed his lazy smile once again. He looked up at Ichigo.
"But I would really like to hear your thoughts. Before your… injury, I always enjoyed talking to you, Ichigo-kun."
Ichigo slowly withdrew his hands and shifted the book so they would be pressed against his hip. Then he restarted walking. He ignored the expectant look in the Captain's eyes and sighed once again.
"To truly relay the moral of these stories, I'd need more time than I'm wiling to spend outside in this weather. Though I think I can unravel the raw undertone in a few words, if that's what you really want."
"Please, do."
Snorting in exasperation, Ichigo lightly shook his head. Then he tapped the cover of the first book with his free hand.
"Tragedy of a prince. What message is contained in it? Do not be naïve. Do not trust everyone. Be on your guard. Underestimate any of these and you will lose your life, poisoned by those you would suspect the least." He stated in a firm voice and then tapped the second book.
"Tragedy of a General. Its message? Power for the sake of power will destroy you from within but also from the outside. Do not rush towards power contained in any domain of living as it is a natural path towards destruction. A road to perdition, so to speak."
Before delving into the last book, he took a deep, yet controlled, breath. Only once he released a large amount of vapor from his mouth, he tapped the cover of the last book.
"Tragedy of a king. This one is the simplest yet most powerful at the same time. Do not blame others for your mishaps. Do not try and excuse the results of your choices. Live your life with the responsibility for your choices firmly in your grasp. Your own actions are the only thing that could take you towards salvation but also towards annihilation of your own soul."
When he finished talking, Ichigo once again stopped walking and defiantly looked the Captain straight in the eyes.
"Still think these aren't worth the bit of pain?"
He knew he had said way too much as soon as he saw the odd look in Kyōraku's eyes. Without needing any sort of dictionary for the human behavior, he instantly recognized the emotions shining in the man's eyes.
Respect.
Surprise.
Sadness.
Hope.
The last one confused the hell out of him but before he could even open his mouth, the man was already speaking.
"Time and time again, I'm reminded of just how old your soul is, Ichigo-kun. I don't mean physically. No teen that I know of speaks so mature in topics that matter. It is good to know that not even losing your memories erased your personality. Though I must say there seems to be something new in you."
For the moment, Ichigo ignored most of the man's words and focused on the last part.
"What's that?"
"Cynicism."
Ichigo's eyes shot wide open in surprise.
"You mean I wasn't cynical before?"
Despite the topic, Kyōraku snorted.
"Pessimistic? Moody? Sure. But not completely cynical. Don't take it the wrong way, though. After everything you have been through, it is understandable you'd become a bit cynical. Just remember one thing."
Sensing the final, parting words coming, Ichigo took a step closer to the man and waited.
"What's that?"
"Road to destruction doesn't come just from things like betrayal, hunger for power or your own wrong choices. In each and every one of us, there's a monster sleeping deep within and it doesn't matter if you are a saint or a demon. Sometimes, a man cannot hold on to the hope and the monster wakes up. Though that alone is not enough to destroy you, left unchecked, given a free roam, things like that are. Do not let the deepest darkest parts of you take control of your life, Ichigo-kun."
End of Chapter 42.
Start of the arc - Agent of Judgement.
Like I promised, it's July and I'm back with a new chapter, in which we are slowly unraveling the state of affairs after the war.
Keep your eyes opened wide as not everything is as it appears to be. Starting from this chapter, we have entered a new arc - Agent of Judgement and in it, I will focus mostly on Ichigo's growth as a person and a slight shift in personality which resulted from what he had gone through all up until now. That's not to say there won't be other interesting stuff mixed with it. We will find more mysteries and unravel secrets which encompass the whole story.
My two cents in response to reviews:
Zerowaffle231 - hmm, you may be right. My reason - in short, because of his past experience, he shook the bad stuff faster than most people could. No, this is just the final version of his Shikai achieved by reaching inner equilibrium. I agree. Never apologize for bringing a constructive criticism, I'm grateful for it every time :) (and you brought up good points)
TheWolf87 - a great analogy born from random thoughts, actually. Heh. Orihime and Tatsuki will reappear - their role in the story is not over. Yoruichi escaped Las Noches during the skirmish. Arrancars and their fate will be mentioned again.
Amortal - Arrancars are basically Hollows comprised of dozens, hundreds and sometime even thousands of souls. Killing them pointlessly would only result in more problems for Shinigami.
Neroscurse - thank you. I admit, back then when I was creating the outline for the story, I thought really hard about giving Orihime and Tatsuki those powers but then I realized I had to do it. It'll make sense it the long run but for now, let's say Orihime has her powers for a reason. Tatsuki is a byproduct of that. Romance is slowly coming but will be kept on sidelines.
OldManZenny - my bad. I may have gone overboard with that statement. Yes, Ichigo won't be suddenly a happy-go-lucky kind of character and he'll still have to endure but my goal is to use his past and transform his experiences into a cynical side that will keep him from spilling his emotions everytime something bad happens.
Harbinger of Kaos - not exactly, it's a stable, balanced and final version of Shikai. Like I already mentioned, Shinigami have to fight while keeping track of the balance of the souls (which is something that wasn't really brought up in manga during the Winter War).
kaxipoptos - yes, that was kind of the point of the exchange. While Aizen is on the seemingly villainous side, he isn't wrong. Vizards did play a part in the war, I just didn't get to mention them. AH! Good catch! (1) - this happens everytime he slays a hollow in Hueco Mundo but I just don't mention it when it's not important, but it first occurred during Ichigo's stay in Menos Forest. This time it's important because Ulquiorra was special. (2) - no, a chapter or two ago, Aizen got ahold of both Hogyoku and then merged them together and implanted that in his chest like in canon. Last one, you'll have to wait and see.
Okay, that's enough of that. Big thanks to everyone reading this story!
Next chapter, we will look at Ichigo interacting with various people, what he plans on using his free time for and the other side of the coin - the not so happy consequences of the war.
Next chapter: Chapter 43 - Foundations of Justice (Collateral consequences) - will be posted 18/19th July!