Mark's eyes go wide. "Wait, what? Archer? Archer has a kid? Who just happened to be born the same day our kid should have been?"
"Believe it or not, yeah. Archer has a kid. It's...kind of a long story."
"Well, she'll be sedated for a while, and I'm here all night, so there's plenty of time…"
...
After a long day at work Addison is finally free and looking forward to an evening of wine and gossip with Savvy. But when she checks her phone, she sees four missed calls - all from Archer. She frowns as she punches in her PIN to listen to her voicemails; she hasn't heard from her brother in over a month, and now he's called four times since lunch? Weird.
Message number one: "Addison, it's me. I need your help. I...I gotta go. Call me back as soon as you can." He sounds frazzled, and...is that a baby? Can't be. Archer and babies go together like drinking and driving - never a good combination. A disaster waiting to happen, really. And, quite frankly, should probably be illegal.
She's about to listen to the second message when another call comes through - Archer again. "Archer, what is-"
"Addison, I need you to come over. Right now," he butts in. He no longer sounds merely frazzled. No, this time he definitely sounds like he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
"Why? What is going on? And is that a baby crying?"
"I don't have time for this. Just get over here and I'll explain everything, but hurry."
She sighs as she hails a cab, and, on the way to Archer's apartment building, calls Savvy with promises to reschedule their girls' night in. She hears crying the second she steps of the elevator, and has her hand poised to knock when her brother flings the door open and pulls her inside.
"Thank God. She won't stop crying, and then she barfed...like the damn Exorcist, thought her head was going to start spinning, and now...now she shit, and there's shit everywhere, and it's awful, and did I mention the crying?"
She just stares in disbelief as her brother rambles on while a tiny baby - two months old, maybe three, she guesses - wails frantically on the couch, face beet red, arms and legs flailing. After a moment of stunned silence she looks around for signs of another adult, a more responsible adult, hell, even a teenager would probably be better a better choice than Archer. "Archer, where the hell did you get a baby?" she finally stammers before instinct kicks in and she scoops the baby up. She cradles the infant to her chest and sways as she waits for an explanation.
"I had a book signing at the med school this morning. This girl came up to me after, asked if we could get lunch later so we planned to meet at Grimaldi's, and then she showed up with...this," he gestures at the baby, still screaming despite Addison's attempts to sway, bounce, and rock her into silence, "thing...and left. Crazy bitch just left! Who does that?"
"Okay, first of all, this is not a thing. It's a child, and I'm assuming she has a name?"
"Phoebe."
This is a serious situation, no doubt, but she can't help but snicker. "Phoebe? Phoebe. Who names their kid Phoebe? Probably some twenty-something who's still upset about Friends getting cancelled," she teases, still fighting back laughter.
"How would I know if likes Friends? It's not like we were talking about TV…"
"So she is a twenty-something. Where do you even meet these girls? Oh my God, don't even tell me she's a student there," she gasps, remembering he'd done a guest lecture at the medical school the year before.
He ducks away as she tries to smack him in the head. "Where we met doesn't matter. What matters is that you make it stop crying so can we just focus here?"
She glares and wags a finger in his face. "We're not done with this discussion," she growls before setting the baby back down on the couch. "Okay, well, she definitely needs a diaper change-"
"No shit! I told you that on the phone," he points out as she reaches for the diaper bag on the coffee table.
"So why didn't you change her?" she snaps as she digs through the bag for a diaper and wipes.
"I told you. There's shit everywhere." He shudders a little at the thought. "Everywhere."
Addison rolls her eyes and pops the snaps on Phoebe's grungy little pink pajamas. "This? This is what you're so worked up about?" she asks, pointing to a mustard-yellow streak on the inside of the baby's thigh. There's a little bit staining the leg opening of her onesie, and some on the pajamas, but it's hardly the catastrophe her brother described.
He nods and gags a little. "Come on, just change her already, would you?"
She thrusts the diaper and wipes at him. "Oh, no. No no no. You got yourself into this mess, you can take care of it."
"Addison-"
"No! Absolutely not!" She feels bad as Phoebe continues to wail inconsolably, but by this point, she suspects, the poor child has been in the same diaper for hours. A few more minutes won't hurt.
Grumbling, he takes the supplies and kneels in front of the couch. He pulls out a wipe, takes a deep breath, and attempts to wipe the baby's leg, but at the last second she kicks - and he ends up with the yellow mush smeared on his hand. He gags again. "I can't do this," he mutters before jumping up and bolting from the room.
"Archer, get back here!" she orders, but the only response she gets is gagging, retching, and finally the sound of vomit splattering in the toilet. "Wimp!" She decides she can't let the poor child suffer any longer, so she collects the discarded supplies. "Okay, peanut, let's get you cleaned up. Yes, auntie Addie is going to get you nice and clean," she coos, trying to sound calm and happy though the baby's condition is sobering - she's thin, not exactly malnourished but there's not one extra ounce of fat on her little body, and clearly hasn't had a bath in a few days. Sighing, Addison wipes the baby's leg, removes her soiled clothes, and is opening the diaper when she becomes aware of Archer standing in the doorway; gradually he makes his way over and sits on the coffee table to watch.
"You think this is bad? This is nothing," she declares as she gets to work cleaning up the mess. In all honesty, while not a catastrophe, it's a bit more than nothing but she won't admit that to him. "Just wait til she has a real blowout. Coming out both legs, up the back, up the front," she carries on, sneaking occasional glances his way and taking a smug satisfaction in the fact that he turns greener with every passing second. "Someday you'll be driving along, get home, and realize the whole car seat is covered in it," she adds, and snickers as he takes off for the bathroom again.
"Just wait til she's old enough to get the diaper off herself and you walk into the nursery one morning and find it smeared all over the crib," she continues when he stops throwing up. She laughs when she hears him get sick again, then waits for him to peek in the room again. "You know what's really fun? When they poop in the bathtub. That'll happen at least once or twice…"
He returns to the bathroom, and this time he stays there long enough for Addison to finish the change and get Phoebe dressed in the only clean pair of pajamas in the diaper bag. "You're a terrible person," he accuses as she lifts the still-crying baby to her shoulder and pats her tiny back.
"I'm honest," she corrects. "Shit happens with babies. A lot of shit. Get used to it. Now, when's the last time she ate?"
He shrugs. "There was half a bottle in the bag. I gave it to her as soon as we got back here. I guess it was...two-thirty? Maybe three?"
It's after six-thirty now. "So she needs to eat. There's formula and an empty bottle in the diaper bag. Get them," she orders before heading to the kitchen. "Start boiling some water." While he does that, she measures out scoops of formula - there's just enough for one bottle - and mixes it with bottled water, then sets the prepared bottle in the water. "From now on you can boil tap water, let it cool, and make a bunch of bottles to keep in the fridge, but we don't have time for that right now."
She jiggles the baby as the bottle warms up, then shows Archer how to test the temperature of the formula on his wrist before heading back to the living room. "Okay. Feed your daughter," she says as she holds Phoebe out towards him.
He backs away. "Oh. No. I don't want-"
"Archer, you have to hold her. How did you feed her before?"
"She was in the stroller. I just held the bottle," he admits guiltily.
"And you say I'm a terrible person. Sit down!"
He does, and she gets the baby situated on his lap before handing over the bottle. "Okay, hold it like this, so she doesn't get any air. Good."
For the first time since Addison's arrival, the crying stops. The baby suckles greedily - and noisily - pausing every now and then to gasp for air before going back for more. While she eats, Addison starts taking stock of the contents of the diaper bag. "This is all she gave you?" she asks, and he nods. "And any indication when she might return?" she probes, though she's pretty sure she knows the answer.
He sighs deeply and slumps down in the chair. "She's not. Says the kid is a brat, cries all the time, doesn't sleep, never wants to be put down...she's signing away her parental rights."
"She's three months old! She's too little to be a brat!"
Archer shrugs. "She's a med student. She has bigger plans than...this." He grimaces at the scrawny baby in his lap before glancing up at his sister. "You get that, right? I mean, look at you! You're almost forty and-"
"Okay, you know what?" she interrupts before he can go any further. "I'm going shopping."
His eyes go wide with panic. "Shopping? Now? You can't leave me! I don't know what to do!"
"You have one diaper and no formula. And nowhere for her to sleep. You have nothing."
"Okay, so you make a list of what I need, and I'll go shopping," Archer suggests hopefully.
"Not a chance." After instructing Archer on how to burp the baby once she's done eating - and ordering him to change her if, by chance, she has another bowel movement before Addison returns - Addison takes off. A year ago, she would have relished the opportunity to shop for a baby; a week ago, she would have been laden with guilt. Now, there's only a sense of urgency as she stocks up on necessities - onesies and sleepers, diapers and wipes, bottles and formula, soft, hooded towels and toiletries, a portable crib and receiving blankets. In under an hour she has everything Archer should need to get through the night with Phoebe, anything else can wait.
Upon her return she finds the baby snoozing peacefully on the couch and Archer looking...well, not exactly at ease, but slightly less terrified than earlier. Together they set up the portable crib, prepare prepare bottles, and wash tiny clothes and blankets; she's just putting everything in the dryer when Phoebe announces that she's awake.
She watches while Archer, who still looks a little like he's holding a bomb rather than a baby, feeds and burps Phoebe, then announces that they're going to give her a bath. "You can get a baby bathtub later," she explains, "but for now we'll use the sink." Once the baby - who clearly does not appreciate baths - is sufficiently clean and wrapped in a towel fresh from the dryer, Addison has Archer fetch a diaper and the ointment she'd bought. "She has a pretty bad diaper rash-"
Archer looks guilty. "Is that my fault? From not changing her before?"
She's tempted to say yes, let him feel bad for a while, but sighs and shakes her head. "No, it looks like she's had it a while. You'll need to clean her really well and use this every time you change her. And if it doesn't start clearing up in a day or two, you should take her to urgent care. Or see if you can find out who her pediatrician is and get her in."
He nods as he attempts to diaper the baby for the first time - he eventually gets it, with just a little help - and gets her into clean pajamas, then turns to his sister. "Now what?"
She grabs one of the receiving blankets and expertly - but slowly, so he can follow along - swaddles Phoebe. "Most babies like being swaddled while they sleep. It stops the Moro reflex, so they don't wake themselves up. But if you notice she's pulling her arms out or rolling over, take her out and try this instead," she instructs, holding up a sleep sack. "You can probably give her another bottle before you put her in the crib. After that she might sleep through the night, or she might be up every few hours. Hard to say, they're all different. If she does wake up, check her diaper. If that's not the problem, try giving her a pacifier, and if that doesn't work she might be hungry. If that doesn't work-"
"Call you?" Archer asks hopefully.
"Definitely not. Try walking, bouncing, rocking...you'll figure out what she likes. You got this."
"I don't think I do. Maybe you should stay just for a night...or two."
"Nope. You screwed that med student, not me. You can do this, Archer. I have...faith in you," she says, hoping she sounds more confident than she feels. "I'll check in tomorrow, and we'll figure out where to go from there, okay? You'll be fine. You'll both be fine. Everything will be fine."
"Yeah, we'll be fine…"
"You will be." She scoops up the baby and kisses her sweet-smelling head. "Take it easy on daddy tonight," she coos," and Aunt Addie will come see you tomorrow.
…
Mark shakes his head. "Archer...a father. It doesn't seem like a good idea."
She smiles wistfully. "It doesn't...but he figured it out."
"So...how is he? He was in the accident, too?"
"It doesn't look good." She bites her lip and rubs the back of her neck. "Traumatic brain injury, spinal cord injury...Bizzy and the Captain are on their way here."
Wow. It really is serious. "I'm sorry, Addie." He tries to pull her into a hug, but she backs away.
"I...I should go be with him," she says, but glances nervously at the baby.
"It's okay. She's stable, she's going to be fine. You go see Archer, and I'll stay here with her. Okay?"
She manages a weak smile and a nod. "Okay. Thanks, Mark."