Juliet got the usual nod from Carlton and a 'goodnight, O'Hara' before he got into his car and she her own. Her place wasn't very far, only five minutes away from the station, so she didn't have a lot of time to think. She had been replaying the same information over and over in her head for the past couple months so there really wasn't much more to go over.
But of course, she went over everything anyway.
She and Shawn had been having a will-they-won't-they thing for so long now, and he only recently broke up with Abigail. She wasn't sure what her feelings were for him anymore... the night she was kidnapped by Yin, things changed. Because of the trauma that night caused, and then later the night with her partner… she just wasn't sure anymore. Or maybe she was afraid of exactly what she was sure of.
There was no doubt that there was somewhat of a spark with Shawn – but it wasn't much more than that, and it seemed to be dwindling. She pulled into her driveway, hands still on the steering wheel. She gave a heavy sigh and her forehead dropped to the steering wheel. With Lassiter it had all the makings to become fire. They worked so well together as partners, they played off each other so effortlessly. The thought of this effortless chemistry, bringing it to the bedroom … Juliet didn't let herself think too long on that.
Carlton did not seem to feel the same way that she did, she had searched for it in the weeks following the night Yin presented. He was the same old grumpy Carlton Lassiter. His snarky remarks and general irritability not lost on anyone, except maybe Juliet herself. She did linger on the fact that he was not like that to her…hardly ever. Sure, sometimes he would say something ill-tempered to her but she always responded with bite. And rarely, if ever, were these ill-tempered remarks toward her personally, regular situations and people easily got him riled up.
Juliet removed her forehead from the steering wheel, peeled back her fingers from their grip, and gathered her things from the passenger seat. As she moved into her home she realized, once again, that these thought patterns got her nowhere. There was simply no possibility Carlton felt the same. Plus – her job was on the line, their partnership. And Juliet did not want another partner other than Carlton, she couldn't bare to think of it; nor did she want to leave the SBPD. He had gotten into a relationship with his last partner, and even though she knew nothing about that ordeal (Carlton would not tell her; she never pressed him on the subject) – she did know that it had ended badly.
She set her things down on the entry table and hung up her coat, lost in these thoughts, thoughts that had been plaguing her tirelessly for weeks now, she resolved that Carlton didn't feel the same.
"There really is not any point for dwelling on this," she huffed to herself. She would have to just suppress her feelings; she didn't want to lose Carlton as her partner.
Carlton Lassiter drove away in the opposite direction of O'Hara, their places on opposite sides of the precinct. He berated himself over the cold goodbye, although he had given that same gesture over the years, lately he wished he could hug her, kiss her, tell her he hoped she had a wonderful night. Or better yet, go home with her.
Shaking his head of the thought, he tried to focus on the road.
He could not think of these things. He could not lose Juliet as his partner, I'd rather go to a democratic rally with Lena Dunham, he thought to himself. But it was true, he would rather do anything than lose Juliet. He already had a track record with getting involved with his partner… Lucinda was different though. Carlton liked her a lot, to be sure, but with that relationship it was almost as if he were dating himself. She was a lot like him, very serious and driven and not much of a warm side. Plus, it had, he hated to say it, been somewhat of a rebound relationship over his upending separation and divorce from his wife. It was years later now, these feelings for O'Hara seemed to come from their very own place. Juliet was different. In all honesty, she was Lassiter's favorite person…ever. He got along more with her than anyone else he had ever met; it had shocked him at first.
She was serious, driven, stubborn, amazing with a weapon he might add, qualities that were strong in himself. Things he valued. But she was also soft, funny, empathetic, insightful, beautiful. Things he would never use to describe himself. She was a puzzle he wanted to figure out in the most intimate way, the most interesting person he had ever met. Their similarities made them strong partners in the field. Their differences made them the perfect balance in every other aspect.
He let out a shaky breath, now in his driveway. He went inside, taking off his jacket and holster and placing them in the closet. Making a beeline to the bathroom he rushed to splash cold water on his face to get out of this spiral of thoughts. Thoughts that had no merit, she didn't feel the same way. That night after Yin – he thought maybe. He had made himself as guarded as he could when she invited him to bed, but it felt so right – he had wanted to pull her to him and fall asleep with her in his arms.
As he drove home the next morning he realized that she had been through something very traumatic. Of course she needed comfort. He would have felt the same way, whether he wanted to admit it or not.
He looked up into the mirror at himself, something he didn't like to do if he could manage it. He wasn't unattractive…but he wasn't too attractive either, he thought to himself. He had deep bags under his eyes from the late nights, he had dark stubble growing in that put a shadow on his face. He was getting older, the lines in his face had gotten just a bit deeper than the last time he saw his reflection. His salt and pepper hair was a bit unkempt after the long day. Not helped by the many times he ran his fingers through it, an anxious habit of his. He looked…average. Or maybe he was just being too critical.
He thought of Juliet and her greyish-blue eyes, her long hair blonde hair that had gotten a bit darker; he noticed the difference the day she came into work. He liked the new dark blonde, it reminded him of honey and just sweetness.
He tore his gaze from the mirror, dear lord, when did he get so damned romantic? He had never felt this way about anyone before, none of his past relationships lived up to this level. And Juliet and he weren't even in a relationship, at least not that kind of relationship. But he thought the hours he spent with her over the years far surpassed anyone else. Even his ex-wife, no wonder she left him…he had been married to the job, truly. He wished her the best, he new she was seeing someone new. Hopefully she had found a match far better than they ever were. In the beginning this would have hurt immensely, but now he felt at peace with the matter. His company with Juliet was all he needed now, no matter the circumstance. And them being partners would have to be enough for him; there was no way she felt the same way about him. And if she did, they couldn't, it just wouldn't work.
He was in his bedroom now, he had taken off his suit and replaced it with a set of flannel pajamas… and socks. He never liked the feeling of sleeping without socks, it made him feel vulnerable. Getting into bed he attempted to clear his mind, but it took a couple hours to finally fall asleep.