Private Eye Monologues or: the Clueless Canidae Caper Part 2
Written by BeecroftA
Edited by: DrummerMax64
Artwork by StarWisherMidnight on DA
Chapter 1
A familiar dissolving of colors fading to black informed Nick that his and Judy's latest PIXAR experience was finished. Removing his headpiece, Nick straightened up in his seat and stretched, groaning in satisfaction at the crackling of his joints. That had been a very enjoyable simulation: he had been Sherlock Hounds, the greatest detective of all time, solving a case no one else could solve in 19th-century Liondon with his faithful partner and sidekick, Dr. Judy Hoppson. Glancing beside him, he noticed Judy hadn't taken off her headset yet, nor had she given any indication that she knew the session was over. She just sat there, unmoving. Just as he was waving a paw and snapping his fingers in front of her helmeted face, Judy suddenly let out a grunt that sounded suspiciously like a snore. Nick's jaw dropped: had Judy fallen asleep during their simulation? That had never happened before. He started shaking her shoulder. "Carrots? Carrots, wake up."
"Sherlock, you astonish me!" Judy suddenly cried out. She then startled, and her ears twitched, and Nick didn't need to see her eyes to know she was just now realizing the simulation was over.
"Carrots, were you asleep?"
"Yaawwwn, yeah, never knew you could do that while in the PIXAR machine." Judy took off her helmet and started rubbing sleep-dust out of her violet eyes.
"What's the last thing you remember?" Nick asked.
Judy blinked slowly, still in the process of waking, and thought hard. "I remember we were in the villain's lair, in some apothecary or something."
"And we found some vital clues and got into a brawl with Professor Moliarty's thugs and they hit you over the head. That explains why you never got up after that; I had to solve the whole rest of the case myself."
"Sorry Nick, but I did tell you I wasn't in much shape for going out tonight. Frankly, it might have been better if we'd just stayed home and sent the babies to your mother's instead."
"I'm just as sleep-deprived as you are, and I had a great time!" said Nick with vigour.
"If you say so," said Judy nonchalantly. She stood up, and then bent over and winced slightly, putting her paw to her abdomen.
"Carrots, are you okay?" Nick asked concernedly.
Judy winced again, and nodded. "I'm fine, Nick. I just sat in the same position for too long."
The complicated process of Ridley and Ella's birth four weeks before had required Judy to undergo emergency surgery, which she was still recovering from. She and Nick had both been on leave from the ZPD ever since, with Nick due to go back to work the next day and Judy scheduled to rejoin him a week later. For his last night on parental leave Nick had requested they spend the evening together at Fitwick's arcade, their first outing together since the babies had been born. The past four weeks seemed to have passed by in a blurring haze of diapers, feedings, laundry and especially screams and cries since the twins had both developed colic. Even Judy, who was no stranger to taking care of babies, was starting to feel overwrought. Nick suffered the worst, having no such experience before his own children had come along, but that didn't stop him from putting on his usual unflappable exterior.
Judy straightened up, and slung her purse over her shoulder. "Shall we go and rescue your mother now?"
"What, and deprive Mom of precious time with her grandchildren? Perish the thought," said Nick. "Can't we stay out a little longer? Maybe drop in at the 10-7 or something?"
"Yaawwwn, as much as I'd love to see Trish and the gang again, I'm just too tired for that," said Judy with another large yawn. Nick didn't need to be Sherlock Hounds to know she wasn't faking it.
Judy slowly turned her key in the lock, and then she and Nick opened the door and entered their apartment as quietly as they could. "Ellaine?" Judy whispered. And then she heard the click of a door in the distance, and Nick's mother came down the hallway towards them.
"Judy! Nicky! Splendid! How was your night out?" Ellaine Wilde asked.
"Can't say it was a lively night, but we had a good time," said Judy. "How are the babies?"
"Oh, they were a handful, but I finally got them to sleep a few minutes ago." Mrs. Wilde replied. The vixen looked distinctly frazzled. "This colic, though… I didn't get a moment of quiet all evening. Judy, I even tried those noise-cancelling headphones of yours – no luck. I think my ears are still ringing."
Judy nodded in understanding. "Those things were only built for rabbits I'm afraid; sure saved my life back in the Bucky-and-Pronk days," She put her purse down and started to remove her jacket, "We thought you of all mammals might be able to help us out, Ellaine. After all, you did raise Nick."
"Hey!" barked said fox.
"I do know some tricks, but Nick was only one kit," said Mrs. Wilde wearily. "I thought for sure you would know, having goodness knows how many brothers and sisters. Why not ask your mother? Surely she knows something about treating colic."
"Bunny kits almost never get colic," said Judy calmly. "They're usually a lot more docile than this. I mean, if even one-tenth of me and my siblings had colic when we were babies, my parents would have died of sleep-deprivation long ago." She shot a nasty look at Nick. "But Ella's an unusual case. I think this is because of the fox in her genes."
"Oh sure, blame me!" said Nick in indignation.
"I blame yooou!" Judy retorted, dramatically pointing her finger at Nick.
Mrs. Wilde chuckled. "You two better get to bed now, you'll be up again in a couple of hours."
"That's a good idea. Yawwnnn… G'night, El," said Judy with a yawn. Mrs. Wilde kissed them both on the cheek and walked out the door without another word, closing it softly behind her.
"Carrots! Listen, can you hear it?" Nick whispered.
"Hear what, Nick?"
Nick held his paws out dramatically, his eyes closed in bliss. "…Silence. In our apartment."
Judy giggled as quietly as she could, and then it turned into yet another yawn. "We'd better do as your mother says, and use it while it lasts. Come on."
Judy started off for their bedroom. Nick, however, had other things in mind. "You know…" he whispered, gliding around Judy and leaning against the wall in front of her, "this moment of quiet seems an awful shame to waste. Maybe we could, er, you know…" He smiled toothily and wiggled his eyebrows at her.
"'Multiply'?" Judy finished for him. Nick nodded eagerly.
Judy just looked at him wearily. "Nothing I'd love more, Slick. But I'm tired, and I'm still sore. Besides, the babies could start crying while we're stuck in 'mandatory-cuddle mode'. Let's just get some sleep." And she started for the bedroom again, Nick following her with a let-down expression on his face.
Ellaine was wrong. It didn't even take an hour. Forty-seven minutes after the elderly vixen left Nick and Judy were up and about, each handling a yowling, colicky baby. Nick, dressed only in green boxer shorts, had just finished changing Ridley's diaper and was now heading down to the kitchen to feed him, bouncing the fox kit on his shoulder all the way trying to get him to stop crying. Judy was sitting up in their bed, also shirtless and nursing Ella. She would have liked to feed Ridley the same way, but as they had discovered soon after the babies were born, bunny nipples (Nick still couldn't say that without snickering) weren't built for the sharp little fangs of a fox kit and caused Judy pain whenever she tried to nurse him. So, Ridley had to be fed from a bottle most of the time.
Nick entered the kitchen with his son, pulled one of the pre-filled bottles from the fridge and popped it in the bottle warmer, bouncing his still-wailing son all the while.
The bottle warmer gave a little ding, signalling it was done. Nick quickly grabbed the wet, slippery bottle, only for it to slip through his tired fingers and fall to the floor, the rubber nipple popping off and the milk inside spilling everywhere. Panicking, Nick quickly grabbed a nearby dishtowel and bent down to mop up the mess, Ridley still screaming in his arms, and then frantically searched the fridge for another bottle, only to discover to his horror that was the last one. Not wanting to disturb Judy now, he suddenly remembered a carton of kit formula in the kitchen that someone had given them as a baby shower present. The only problem was, Nick had no idea where it was, since Judy had restocked and reorganized the kitchen many times since then. He had to track down that formula, like Sherlock Hounds. He couldn't help but smirk a little at the irony. As Nick began to search the kitchen, still holding Ridley with one arm, memories from his virtual reality experience earlier that evening began to stir in his mind, and narration in a strange voice most unlike his own began to stream from his mouth…
"The cries of the child's hunger wailed in my ears like a poorly-conceived opera as I began searching the crime scene. This is a most unusual case, but no case is too small for the great Sherlock Hounds. As they say, the game is afoot!"
Nick bent down and opened the bottom corner cupboard, where they kept the canned goods. He searched it, murmuring as he went along, and found a can or jar of everything except baby formula.
"My slumber was disturbed this evening by the arrival of my new infantile client, who hired me to track a missing formula that, if brewed correctly, will bring glorious silence to the overrun city that is this apartment."
Nick swivelled around and opened another cupboard: this one contained only pots and pans. Ridley's cries continued to ring in his ears.
"All the clues have led to the formula being here. Is this truly a case of simple misplacement, or might there be a deeper conspiracy afoot, designed to keep me at bay and away from my nice warm bed?"
Nick swooped upwards and opened the top corner cupboard: glassware. Now searching feverishly, he failed to notice Ridley was starting to calm down.
"My infallible powers of deduction have led me to this kitchen; they have never failed me yet, it must be here…"
Nick opened another cupboard: plates and cups.
"Somewhere…"
Snarling in irritation, he opened another cupboard: herbs and spices.
"WHERE THE %^#* IS IT?!" Nick burst out.
He clapped a paw to his muzzle; he hadn't meant to swear in front of the baby.
"Where is WHAT?" Judy called from the bedroom.
"Err…" Nick decided to pretend he had never made that little slip of the tongue, "I dropped the bottle. Have we still got that can of formula we got at the baby shower?"
"Yeah, it's in the fridge," Judy called back. "Stays nice and fresh that way."
Nick could not see the point in refrigerating an unopened can of powdered formula, but he wasn't about to argue with the resident baby expert. Opening the fridge, he finally found the can in the back lower shelf, behind a Tupperware container of some casserole he suspected predated the children's birth.
Suddenly he stopped, for it was then that he realized the kitchen had gone quiet. He looked down at his son, and to his astonishment, the little kit was not screaming or crying, but simply gazing, fascinated, at his father. Nick didn't know whether it was the voice or the dramatic gestures or simple exhaustion that had stopped Ridley crying, but if it was either of the former he had to remember that trick. But Ridley then screwed up his face and gave a little grunt, and a whiff of the air informed Nick that Ridley was in fact in need of a new diaper again. Nose crinkled and grumbling as he started trudging back to the nursery, Nick made a mental note to ask his mother if he had gone through so many diapers when he was that age.