Private Eye Monologues Chapter 3
Written by BeecroftA
Edited by: DrummerMax64
Artwork by StarWisherMidnight on DA
Over the next two days…
"The morality of speeding to catch a speeder eludes me. If we are allowed to break this law in the name of catching law-breakers, what other laws might be non-applicable to us in our pursuit of justice? Is there a true limit if no one calls us out on it? We may be the watchmammals, but who watches-"
"I'm trying to drive here, Nick!"
"Our tipoff of the Street Howler deal was as spurious as a jackalope. We were informed there might be an exchange going on in this apartment, but the bags turned out to contain naught but catnip. Legal in such small quantity, and with a name that remains startlingly contradictory since the substance now affects all mammals besides cats. We left the hares at the scene to their nip and their Playbunny magazines, my repressed male side tempting me to sneak a peek on the way out-"
"NICK!"
"Which my faithful husband side advised I ignore and handily won out in the end."
"Nice try, I saw you."
"Carrots, it's been so long…"
"I felt my normally razor-sharp focus begin to wane from the repetitive pondering involved in this case. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find."
"Ohhh no, you've had enough coffee today!"
"As I undergo this torturous ritual, I find myself contemplating the scientific possibility of death by boredom, as well as the ramifications for the insurance on my life should I die by such an end. Sometimes I wonder if we in the force are all actually part of a conspiratorial scientific experiment to test this theory, with our superior officer himself aiding and abetting-"
"For Pete's sake, Nick, it's just end of day paperwork!"
On the third day…
"Tundratown. Zootopia's central hub of crime. Beneath that winter wonderland exterior lies a history that would chill your soul as it would your bones. Within those frosty walls dwells the city's greatest criminal underworld. The Bigs, the Frostbites, the Five Tails, each one a hydra of crime, ever-growing and eternal. Cut off one head, you're as good as guaranteed two more will grow in its place. Only the strongest survive here, the most insulated from the world and its cold evils. It is positively Darwinian in its design, a place where the weak are rooted out and you must adapt-"
"Shut it, Nick!"
The pair had been called in to help stop a robbery at the Grande Zootopia Museum in Downtown Zootopia, a vast, grey neoclassical-style building reminiscent of an ancient Greek temple. It was near the very center of the city on Lionheart Avenue, close to the inlet that bordered Downtown and Tundratown, the two districts accessible to each other via bridge or skytrain. Nick was standing atop the hill of stone steps that led up to the museum, gazing out at the full panoramic view of the city's frostiest district that his position offered him.
"…Or die," Nick finished. Judy rolled her eyes.
Unlike the Natural History Museum where Nick and Judy had apprehended Bellwether years before, the Grande Museum dealt specifically with Zootopia and its long history, including an extensive collection of antiquities from the city's early days. According to their information, two robbers, a skunk and a red fox, had held up the museum, taken an exhibit, and made it out an exit into a getaway car. Nick and Judy had arrived just after all this had gone down, and were currently guarding the scene while awaiting further instruction. Just then, a voice crackled to life on the rabbit's belt.
"Unit 34, come in Unit 34. Team WildeHopps, do you read? Over."
Judy grabbed her radio and held it up to her mouth, "Team Wi – I mean, Unit 34 responding. What's your situation?"
"We've apprehended the suspects and their driver, but the stolen artifact isn't on them, and it isn't in their car. And that's not all."
"What's the rest?" Judy asked with a raised eyebrow.
"You remember how the witnesses stated it was a skunk and a red fox who perpetrated the robbery?"
"Yeah…?"
"Well, now they're a honey badger and a jackal."
Judy and Nick's eyes both widened in bewilderment. "Umm… are you sure they said skunk and fox?" the rabbit asked.
"Positive. The perps were both wearing ski masks that covered their whole heads, ears included, but their species were positively identified by their tails."
"And you're sure you have the right car?"
"Affirmative. The details match our information, and the suspects were wearing the same clothes that were described. And when we tried to ask them more questions, they gave us the paw and told us to talk to their lawyer. Guess who it is – Saul Goodmammal."
"That wily coyote? Great."
Saul Goodmammal was the sleaziest criminal lawyer in all of Zootopia, with a renowned talent for discrediting evidence and smearing witnesses. If he was truly the robbers' lawyer, he could have them out in one hour and be suing for false arrest in the next.
"We can detain them until their lawyer arrives, but we need your help. We think they may have hidden the artifact somewhere near the scene, maybe waiting for a third party to pick it up. Keep an eye out for any suspicious characters."
"Copy that, we'll start searching."
Judy lowered her radio, completely baffled. It sounded like they had caught the robbers, but animals couldn't just change their species when they pleased.
Nick, however, was enthused. "Wow, our first real case since we got back, and it's a verifiable brainteaser! Hoppson, the game is-"
"If you finish that sentence, my children will grow up without a father," Judy warned. Nick clammed right up. Judy gestured to the line of cars parked in front of the museum steps below. "Look, you go down and start checking under nearby cars, I'll search the perimeter up here." Nick gave her a mock salute, and the two separated.
Nick skipped down the steps, kneeled down to search under a black Humbler in front of him, and that was when he saw it: down the block, twenty-odd yards away, was a raccoon scrounging through a trash bin. He wore torn old jeans and a filthy navy hoodie with the hood over his head and had a large bag of cans sitting next to him; a stereotypical trash panda (politically-incorrect, as the term was). His detective-senses tingling, Nick got out his phone and used the camera to zoom in on the scavenger. He could make out the raccoon's face, with grizzled fur and an expression to match, and couldn't help but notice that his face looked strangely familiar. He began to inch closer.
Nick watched the raccoon straighten up from the bin and pull out what looked like a very full black shopping bag. He tucked it inside his bag of cans, threw that over his shoulder and started to walk away, nobody on the sidewalk giving him a second glance.
It was when the raccoon stepped away from the bin and Nick could see his whole torso that he saw it: the Procyon was distinctly pear-shaped, as if he was hiding something bulky underneath his hoodie. He looked slightly unsteady on his feet as he walked. And his tail, instead of swishing back and forth like a raccoon's normally would, remained perfectly limp against the ground as if it were being dragged.
All the pieces clicked together in Nick's mind with remarkable clarity. "That's no raccoon…" the fox growled under his breath. He started to stalk the suspect, discreetly pulling out his phone and sending Judy a very quick text message. Within seconds he could see the bunny rushing down the museum steps to join him out of the corner of his eye, not letting the still-distant 'raccoon' out of his sight.
"What is it?" Judy hissed.
Nick, now speedwalking, pointed a finger towards his target. "Him," he whispered, "that's our guy."
"The one in the blue hoodie carrying the bag?" Judy asked. Nick nodded in confirmation.
"Got it," Judy pulled out her tranquilizer gun, and then, to Nick's shock, suddenly broke into a run. "ZPD, FREEZE!"
The phony raccoon turned around, jumped with an unexpected panic, and took off like a rocket.
Nick mentally facepalmed himself. "Impulsive bunnies…" he muttered under his breath as he rushed to catch up with Judy. Up ahead, he saw the raccoon reach into his bag of cans, pull out the black loot bag, and toss the rest away.
"Let's flag down a car! We can catch him!" Judy yelled as she ran.
"Car's no good!" Nick yelled back. "We can't let him out of our sight for even a second! The moment he loses us he'll ditch his disguise and we'll never find him!"
"Disguise…?" Judy asked desperately.
"Yeah! That's not a raccoon!" Nick stated.
The two chased the phony raccoon down the street for almost a minute, struggling not to let him out of their sight, pedestrians gawking at them from all angles. A few even tried to intervene, but their quarry was very agile, and managed to evade every attempt they made at blocking him. Then finally, Nick and Judy saw him aim for a set of stairs on the sidewalk.
"He's going into the subway station!" Nick yelled. He turned to Judy. "Hoppson, our quarry has absconded!"
"No sheep, Sherlock!" snarled Judy. The pair reached the subway entrance, flew down the stairs, hopped over the turnstiles and got to the platform just in time to see their target run onto the nearest train. Catching a quick glance at the information screen, Judy knew instantly where he was going: Tundratown. Panicking, the two ran for it, getting inside just in time before the doors closed.
Huffing and wheezing, Nick and Judy found they were in the very last car of the train. Since the morning commute period was now over, there were very few passengers onboard, which made it a lot easier to spot their target. The raccoon was still running like the wind down through the train cars, trying to put as much distance between himself and the pair as possible. Both groaning, Nick and Judy took off after him.
Judy could see out the windows through the corner of her eye: they were out of the subway tunnel, they were crossing the inlet on tracks above the water, they were coming into Tundratown, they were sinking into a new tunnel… why did the darn train have to be so fast!?
They had nearly closed in on the raccoon at the front of the train just as the train was pulling in at its first stop. They were within twenty feet of him, and could see him grunting in a panic while struggling to pry open the door with his fingers.
"End of the line," Judy stated confidently, now calmly strolling towards their target instead of running. Behind her, Nick was leaning against a seat, clutching at a stitch in his chest. Judy reached out a paw for the raccoon, they almost had him…
And then there was a digital ding, and the doors slid open. The raccoon took off like a madmammal, his bushy ringed tail flying through the air behind him…
"Oh no you DON'T!" Judy snapped, grabbing for the furry appendage. She caught it in her paws…
Shrrrip!
"Waaah!" Judy cried out in surprise as the detachable tail ripped loose and her own momentum carried her forward, making her fall to the platform outside with a thump, the fake tail cushioning her body as she landed. She took only one second to groan and let it sink in. She couldn't believe it. She had fallen for a fake tail again… Raising her head up, she caught sight of their quarry again, still running down the platform for the stairs. Whoever he was, she had to admire his stamina.
"I did say he wasn't a real raccoon…" Nick mumbled as he helped Judy up, a suppressed grin tugging at his lips.
"Yeah, yeah," said the bunny. Nick tucked the fake tail inside his jacket and the pair ran for the stairs. They clambered up two flights, Judy's ears still picking up the footsteps of their target, a wave of cold starting to hit both of them. They followed him down a dimly-lit hallway, turned a corner…
And burst out into the dazzling white light of Tundratown.
No matter how long Judy lived in Zootopia, she could never get used to the environmental transition between districts. Every time, no matter what the situation, it never failed to astonish her what a marvel of engineering the city of Zootopia was, to enter a train from a toasty warm climate and exit into a wintery frost. Their quarry had picked an excellent place to try and get lost… between the cold dampening Nick's nose and the snow muffling footsteps so Judy's ears couldn't pick them up, they would have a much harder time tracking him in this.
Amidst the snow-covered trees and civilians and sparkling buildings, Judy spotted their target, who was still running like his life depended on it. The snow was slowing him down, but she knew it would slow her and Nick down too. Judy whipped out her radio as the pair took off after him, bounding through the deep, heavy snow.
"This is Officer Hopps to dispatch! We're in pursuit of a suspect in the Grande Museum robbery, heading through Tundratown! Subject is a male raccoon with no tail, wearing jeans and a navy hoodie! Requesting backup!"
"Uh – copy, Officer Hopps, what's your location?"
"It's-" then Judy suddenly realized she had no idea where they were, and all street signs she could see were covered by snow.
"Fertilizer!" she swore under her breath. "Just send an officer to the Tundra-Downtown train station! He can pick up our trail from there!"
"Copy that! Over and out!"
Up ahead of them, Judy saw the tailless raccoon leap onto a nearby ice pond, skid over to the other side, and jump off for the 'float-way' river mammals in the district used to get around. He jumped on one of the floating ice chunks in the water and started hopping from one to the next, the flow of the river drastically increasing his speed.
"Fertilizer!" Judy swore again. Then she looked around as fast as she could, and spotted a lynx riding a snowmobile in their direction.
"Halt!" Judy yelled, waving her arms and whipping out her badge at the driver. The snow machine skidded and screeched to a halt in front of her. "ZPD! We need to use your snowmobile!"
"Uhhh… okay?" the lynx stammered as he got off his vehicle and Nick and Judy got on.
"Don't worry, you'll get it back!" Nick yelled at the cat as he and Judy zoomed away, clobbering a nearby snowmammal in their haste.
Despite the little hit-and-run, Nick had to admit Judy was driving the thing pretty well, considering she had not driven a snowmobile since her academy days. In no time at all, they were riding along the edge of the float-way, their target getting closer and closer.
Realizing the raccoon would notice them and change course any second, Nick got an idea. He leaned down and scooped some snow from the ground. Packing it into a tight snowball with his russet paws, he eyed his still ice-jumping target and the closing distance between them, his mouth beginning to narrate slightly:
"Now the angle of trajectory, multiplied by the square root of an isosceles triangle…"
He weighed the snowball up and down in his paw. "Factoring in arm speed and snowball mass, estimate point two-five kilograms…" In front of him, Judy's ears gave a very distinct twitch.
He licked his finger and held it up in the air. "Adjusting for wind direction and resistance and change in equilibrium…"
"NIIICK!" Judy shouted.
Nick threw the snowball with all his might just as the raccoon turned his head at the sound of Judy's voice. It struck directly on the Procyon's face, making him lose his footing and slip off his ice chunk, landing ankle-deep in the river.
"Wa-ha-ow! Cold, cold, cold!" the raccoon yelped as he jumped out of the water and onto the bank. Judy's ears perked up; she knew that nasally voice…
Pulling over the snowmobile, Judy and Nick hopped over the float-way and saw their quarry heading for the nearest building: Pike Place Flying Fish Market. "ZPD, HALT!" Judy called out as the raccoon scrambled through the sliding glass doors of the market. Nick and Judy were there in seconds, and just as they burst through the doors, Judy's ears began to pick up the sound of a police siren nearby.
"Carrots, DUCK!" Nick yelled.
"Wha-WOAH!" Judy dodged just in time as a large haddock zoomed over her head, missing it by inches. "Sorry!" the otter who threw it hollered.
"This is an 'open-air' fish market!" Nick explained as they ran through the store, an airborne salmon just missing his own head. "They like to toss the fish to each other!"
Judy scanned the scene as quick as she could, and spotted the raccoon just up ahead, ducking and dodging around customers and fish-stands, aiming for the exit on the other side of the room. He was finally slowing down now, gasping for air from all the running, but if he got through the door and barricaded it behind himself…
Then Judy got an idea: leaping up, she caught a flying carp in mid-air. And when she landed, she steeled herself, and threw the fish hard as she could at the raccoon's feet; it landed right on target under his right foot. With a whooping cry, the raccoon slipped on the thing like a bar of soap, skidded spectacularly across the floor, and crash-landed into a wooden barrel marked PICKLED HERRING, the contents spilling all over him.
Nick and Judy ran up to the finally-immobilized fake raccoon, who was panting to the point that he was rasping. Only his head was visible, the rest of his body submerged under a smelly mess of fish and brine. Beside him, his loot bag had opened up, and the stolen artifact had fallen out atop the fish pile. It was a heavy amulet, carved out of snowy-white stone and depicting a prehistoric tigress walking on all fours. The White Jade Tiger, one of Tundratown's greatest treasures and a coveted jewel for any collector in Zootopia.
Up close, Judy finally got a good look at the 'raccoon' they had been chasing. His hood had come down, and she could now see some kind of flap at the base of his neck, and that his 'eyes' were actually eyeholes. No question – this was a Halloween mask, bearing the likeness of the iconic sci-fi character Rocket Raccoon.
Right then, Judy heard the sound of a siren being turned off outside, along with the sound of a door slamming and paws trudging through snow. The rabbit mentally rolled her eyes. Perfect timing as usual,she thought. A snowy-white wolf officer whom Nick and Judy knew as Officer Kiba entered the fray.
"Sorry I took so long, you left one mess of a trail between here and the train station," said the wolf, gazing confusedly around the scene. "And speaking of messes, what happened here?"
"Only the foiling of the greatest museum heist in Zootopia history!" declared Nick triumphantly. "Of course you missed all the action, but hey, you're just in time for the unmasking! Carrots, would you do the honors?"
"Ohhh, I think you've earned that right," said Judy insistently.
"Gee, thanks!" said Nick, who looked almost childish with excitement. "Always wanted to do this…" He stepped forward and grasped the mask by the ears. "Drumroll please!"
Several people around the scene started clapping their knees in a drumroll.
"And our mystery hooded bandit is…" Nick pulled off the mask, revealing the face of a bedraggled weasel with maroon eyes, bent whiskers and a previously-broken snout.
"Well, well, well…" Nick drawled out with relish. "The Duke of Weaselton. Long time so see."
"Ugggghhh…" the weasel let out a heavy groan as if he was waking from a coma. "What gave me away?" Duke Weaselton asked in his familiar nasally voice.
"Well, the Rocket Raccoon mask for one thing," said Nick. "Seriously, if you're trying to be all discreet, don't go wearing the face of the most famous raccoon in all of Zootopia. That was your first big whoopsie."
Then he pulled out the fake raccoon tail from inside his jacket. "And the detachable tail, nice touch. But whoopsie number twosie, wearing one of these has two very distinct giveaways: one is a protuberant belly from having your real tail wrapped around your midsection, and the other is a strange gait caused by your inability to use your real tail for balance when walking. I, er, speak from some experience here."
Judy rolled her eyes at the memory of that little fiasco.
Nick picked up the bag that had held the Tiger and reached into it. He pulled out a skunk tail and a fox tail, each with a piece of velcro attached to the end. "And these would explain how your badger and jackal partners were able to conveniently turn into a skunk and a fox for the robbery. Their faces were covered, so all the witnesses could see were their easily identifiable tails. And once they ditched the evidence for you to find, they were home free. Remind me to have a word with the manager at Zoonko's about who he sells his products to."
Then Nick leaned in closer, staring directly into the weasel's eyes. "But there IS more: the science of deduction tells me that this was not your plan..."
Nick began to pace around the scene, his paws gesturing theatrically and his gaze alternating between the trapped weasel and the crowd gawking at him.
"The three of you could never have pulled this heist off on your own," Nick stated. "I do not know if you had the brains to plan it out, but I do know that working with a team does not fit your motus operandi. You had a backer – a sponsor – someone who offered enough money to ensure none of you three, you especially, would double-cross the others for the loot. Now, your attempted escape into Tundratown, plus the fact you stole a Tundratown artifact, makes the residential district of your sponsor obvious. There are five kingpins in Tundratown who are wealthy and connected enough to set this up. Two of them are currently serving time in prison, leaving three: Mr. Big…"
Duke gulped at the memory of his last encounter with the diminutive crime boss.
"…Francesco 'Frank' Clawstello, snow leopard and leader of the Frostbite organization, and Boris Kasper, polar bear and 'businessmammal'. Now, last I heard, you and Mr. Big have a… let's say, frosty relationship, so I think we can rule him out. And while Frank Clawstello is known for his proclivity for tigresses, his biggest vices are gambling and sporting events, especially for horse races and kangaroo boxing matches. He's a thrill-seeker, he has no love for antiquities. But Mr. Kasper, on the other hand, is a known antiques enthusiast, with a front as a legitimate dealer and a connection to every known fence in the city. And he's been represented by Saul Goodmammal before, and he has a renowned but dubious collection of relics of which I'm sure he would love to add the White Jade Tiger to…"
He leaned in again to Weaselton's face, smiling in smug triumph. "…I think we have our winner."
Weaselton broke down in exasperation. "C'mon Wilde, this was gonna my big score! I swear, I was gonna go straight after this! You never woulda heard from me again! C'mon, can't you just cut me this one little break?!"
Nick and Judy didn't know which was sadder: the possibility Weaselton was telling the truth, or the likelihood he was lying. "Forget it, Duke," Nick quipped as he whipped out his pawcuffs. "It's Tundratown."
He extracted Weaselton's paws from the pile of herrings and slapped the cuffs on him. "But hey, technically all we've got you for is evading police and possession of stolen goods. With a little talking, I'm sure you'll get a light sentence." Judy passed the amulet over to Officer Kiba, and together she and Nick heaved the weasel out of the fish pile, the rabbit recoiling at the fishy odour.
"Whoof, heavy thing," said Kiba as he examined the amulet. "What is it, anyway?"
Judy's eyes bulged, and she shook her head at Nick as fast as she could as a Cheshire cat grin began spreading across her husband's face. "NO. No, please, please NO…" she mouthed.
"The, uh… stuff that dreams are made of," Nick stated. Judy clapped a paw to her face.
Then, as if trying to deliberately further her mortification, Nick turned to face the awestruck audience before him, and launched into a full dramatic soliloquy:
"And so closes the case of the White Jade Tiger, the greatest MacGuffin of the modern age! Thanks to the combined strengths of my sharp detective mind and my leporine consort's excellent throwing arm, the half-baked Alaska of a robbery has been foiled, and the curator of the museum can sleep soundly knowing that one of his greatest exhibits has been safely recovered! Of course, there is some small irony in the fact that it will be locked up in evidence for likely years before he can ever have it back, BUT, that is insignificant in the pursuit of justice and the safety of our fair city…"
"Hey Flopsy…" Duke whispered to Judy out of the corner of his mouth.
"Yeah?" Judy asked wearily.
"Why is he talking in that funny voice?"
A/N: "The Five Tails" belong to sarcasmisOurStrength (or Nehkles or WhatABummer, one of the three), and the White Jade Tiger comes from a book by Julie Lawson. Also, the look of the Grande Zootopia Museum was based off the National Archives building in DC, and the fish market at the end of the chase is based on the famous Pike Place market in Seattle. Other miscellaneous references include Watchmen, Breaking Bad, Looney Tunes, Wolf's Rain, and the movies Guardians of the Galaxy, the Departed, Chinatown and the Maltese Falcon. See if you can find them all!