A/N: Hi, friends! To my delightful guest from last week that went on the uber binge, you are a special kind of special and I love you. And welcome to the family. Feel free to kick your feet up and make yourself at home. That is, if you're coming back to play every week. I mean…I wouldn't mind it. That'd be pretty cool. I do write these stories for…Well, let's be honest. I write them for me. I write the fic that I need at a specific point in time. But you lovelies just happen to benefit from it. So, should we go on then? OH SHIT! I almost forgot.

This chapter requires a trigger warning for mentions of past suicide attempts. I didn't want that catching anyone off guard. You know I love you and want to keep you safe. It's for half a second. In and out. That's not exactly something I like to dwell on either, but these things happen…I love you. Now, we'll go on, ok?

Long train rides and Russian vodka make one hell of a combination. Adding solitude to that made things a little more dangerous. But it's ok. Some quiet time sounded nice. Shit, Yuri...Of all the songs you could have picked...Even Victor didn't know about that. There's a reason why I hadn't heard Astronaut in so long. I came home one night after work when I still worked the Red Room...

Fresh off an escorting gig, I needed a shower, but the water couldn't get hot enough. I thought I wouldn't go any further. All of my other friends were getting married, popping out babies, having respectable careers. And I was forgotten. I was stuck where I was with no way I could've gotten out of it. I nearly swallowed an entire bottle of painkillers. But the following night, I went to work and met a couple of really hot foreigners that turned my life around. And in the back of my mind, all I could think of was that damn song. Even now, it played on a loop in my mind.

Anything else, Yuri...I know you didn't know, but goddamn...That was worse than Lucky. So, tonight, I'm calling all astronauts. All the lonely people that the world forgot. If you hear my voice, come pick me up. Are you out there...? I don't know if I need to cut myself off or drown myself more. Something tells me if I drink more, I'll just get more depressed. Besides, flying with a deathly hangover is never fun. I could handle drunk on the train, though.

I needed to get back to St. Petersburg. Religion was never really too big of a deal for me. I got my Christmas once a year and that was about it. Praying once in blue moon. Some people found solace in a church. I just had flashbacks to when I was a kid, getting bitched at by angry nuns. However, I did have a place to seek refuge and revelation. And right now, that's exactly where I needed to be.

I had no problem making the trip from Moscow to St. Petersburg. It was always worth it. And right now, it might be the only thing that'll get my head on straight. I guess we can call that my own church. Church, therapist's office, sanctuary, home. What have you. Nothing like the feeling of putting on my skates in here. And now, I had a sudden flashback to a few years ago.

Sometimes, Mama couldn't sleep. When Nat was getting off work, she'd stop by for a drink or two. And it'd help a little. But if I needed something stronger, she'd stay with my boys. And I'd be taking off to this very rink. I always thought that it was because no matter where we were, Victor and I always ran on the same clock. When he was twelve hours ahead or behind, I could feel it. That's why I always thought I could handle jet lag like a champ.

Maybe that's why I can't quit him. I want to be done with him. I want to give him the space he and Chris have always wanted. But every time I try to move away, he only moves that much closer. Why would he do that to himself? I've moved all of my stuff out of our apartment, yet I can't bring myself to leave the key on the counter. I need a hug that only this rink can give me...

I think I have my routine for Rome.

Mama can do Simple Plan, too. Only this time, instead of ripping my heart out, I can give a certain someone the metaphorical middle finger. Victor should've known better than to give Yuri Simple Plan. I liked Jet Lag, though. Did I want the English version or the French version? I think I'll go English. Why not? And it reminded me of when we first met.

Victor and I didn't always live together. He came and picked me up his next season in Montreal after we met. I had been tying up my loose ends before we started introducing me to coaches. But he called me from St. Petersburg the night before his flight. It was midnight in New York, but he greeted me with a cheerful good morning. He told me he missed me. I could still hear it plain as day. Dobrye utro, moy malyshka! And it kills me.

Why can't I quit you, Victor? What is it about you that keeps us tethered? Is it the boys? Is it us? Is it everything we've been through? Or is it me? Do I have you that hooked? If you can't quit me, it only makes it that much harder on me to quit you. I love our boys, but we can't keep doing this to each other. I've tried seeing other people, but we all remember how well that worked out.

Ow! I swear, that bullshit toe loop is going to be the death of me. Shit...I have to skate tomorrow! Tomorrow's the finals and dumbass me twists her ankle. I'll be fine. I've skated on much worse. Just don't tell anyone, set it tonight, and unwrap it when you get to the rink tomorrow and you'll be fine. Get up. Take a lap. Everything's going to be fine. I hope you have better focus than this tomorrow.

"Violet?" I thought I was damn near about to come out of my skin. I thought I would have this place to myself, "I thought I'd find you in here."

"Hi, Coach," I skated to the partition, a little shaky, but not enough for Celestino to worry.

"What are you doing here, bambina?" he took my hand and helped me off the ice, "Moscow's that way. And Rome's a bit further than that. I can't help but wonder."

"I couldn't sleep," I took a seat on the bench.

"And the train ride…" Celestino got close to me, "Or the vodka didn't take care of that? Cazzate. Would you care to answer me again without lying to me?"

"I couldn't!"

"Alright," he let it go, "Let's do some simple math here. You left shortly after Juniors closing ceremonies. That was at four o'clock. Which would put you in St. Petersburg at eight o'clock. Just in time for Victor's performance. I left a couple hours after you did when I couldn't find you anywhere else. Which puts us at now. If we left now, we could be back in Moscow by two o'clock. Given we have a flight to make at six, that would probably be for the best. It's amazing how these things line up, isn't it? If I didn't know any better, I'd think you had this planned from the beginning."

"I'm really not in the mood for a lecture, Celestino," I popped the top off my water bottle that, let's be honest, I wish was more vodka, "Can we just leave, take gold in Rome, and call it a day?"

"Violet," Celestino wrapped his arms around me, "You and I have known each other for a lot of years and I know when there's something you're not telling me. Please. Talk to me."

Dammit, Celestino. You never could leave well enough alone, could you? I hate your bloodhound instincts, "I'm a little depressed, Coach. I figured skating it out would've been a good idea. I got a little buzzed on the train and came straight here. The owner was about to close up anyway. It's not like I don't have a set of keys to this place anyway."

"What's the matter, Violet?" he cradled me, "What has you so depressed?"

I wasn't sure if the train vodka was making me chatty or if I just really needed to vent, "I screwed up."

"How do you figure?" Celestino asked.

"I never should've divorced Victor," I choked out…Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me…Holy hell, I may be drunker than I thought I was.

"Violet…" he held me tighter, "Che cos'è, tesoro?"

"Our divorce never should've happened," I buried my face in his shoulder, hiding my tears, "But Victor's in love with Chris…And you have no idea how much that hurts. I know I sound selfish, but damn, does it hurt."

"You made a big sacrifice for them," Celestino pointed out, "And I'm sure they're grateful for that."

"And who said I had to?" I squeaked, "No one! I did it out of the kindness of my own dumbass heart! And I'm kicking myself for it…I miss him, Celestino. But I can't have him. That's why I have to walk away from him. It'd be best for everyone."

"But he's your best friend, Violet…"

"Look…" I wiped my eyes, "I can't keep lying to myself. Victor and I will probably never happen again. Not to mention with Victor's return to the ice…I'm tabloid fodder enough. I don't need to drag him down with me. He doesn't deserve that."

"Violet," Celestino wouldn't let me up. I'm not sure what was stronger; his upper body or his conviction, "Where is all of this coming from? Do I just need to get you a cup of coffee and a bed?"

"It's coming from my mouth," I wiggled out of his arms (even though the physical and emotional hug felt nice) and limped a bit to my practice bag, "Drunk Violet just has the balls to say what sober Violet is thinking."

"Because sober Violet knows better," he assured, "You're not dragging anyone down. If anything, having Victor in your life any way you can get him is the best thing for you. Don't cut him out of your life like that. What would Yuri and Yurio say if they heard you talking like this?"

"Hopefully, they'd understand." Enough to know better than to use my babies against me. That was low…

"No, they wouldn't."

"Because you know my kids better than I do?" I threw my bag over my shoulder, feeling a jolt of pain run up my leg with every step. Maybe I hurt my ankle more than I thought, "We should be going. Our flight leaves in six hours."

"Violet," Celestino tried to stop me, but I wasn't in the mood to get into an argument with him. I just wanted to get back to Moscow. I could tune him out on the train. Thank you, St. Petersburg. You were a great help. Somewhat. Although, if I screwed up my ankle because I lost focus, I'm going to be pissed. I will say this. I love the man running the bar car. He was kind enough to slip me a fifth of the local spirit that kept me warm these days. Even after my coach told him to cut me off. He was cute. I wish I remembered his name.

When Celestino and I got back to the hotel, I knew there would be no sense in going to sleep. If our flight leaves at six, I'll just sleep on the plan. It's five hours from here to Rome. That's all I'd really need. Then, when I get to that hotel, I can crash until tomorrow. Sounds like a plan to me. But for now, I'll hit the coffee pot and hang in there. Before I could even get into my room, of course I was met with a welcoming committee.

"There you are, Violet!" Victor threw his arms around me, not wanting to let go, "You had me worried! Where the hell have you been?"

Why does he have to care so much? He can't quit me either. I didn't want to be so mean, but I shoved him off me, "Just…Let me be alone."

A/N: Can someone get Violet a hug? And possibly an AA meeting? She's been going downhill for the last couple weeks, guys. Someone…Someone needs to check up on her. But next week, they're going to be in Rome and I know there's one person (outside of Victor) that will shower her with more love than she knows what to do with. And it's the one character in the story that I've been wanting to write for soooooooooo long now. And I cannot wait. Maybe I'll write next week's update after I post this one. No…It's kind of shitty outside and I'm really feeling a Netflix binge kind of day. Or like some old school Nintendo. That sounds like a plan. So, until next time, my lovelies. See you next chapter! xx