5/24/18: Made some minor edits but I think it reads better.
AN: Strangely wanted to start with a quote.
"When I looked around I saw and heard of none like me. Was I, then, a monster, a blot upon the earth, from which all men fled and whom all men disowned?" - the creature from Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
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Keith wiped his face with his towel as Coran's announcement rang out in the training deck.
Today was the day they were going to launch into space. He grunted as he grabbed his bayard from the ground and looked up to Shiro, expecting to see him walking to the door. He frowned. Shiro did not pause in his training.
"We should be heading out."
"You can go on," came Shiro's half breathless response.
"...You don't want to come?"
"Hunk, Pidge, and Coran are enough to assist the Princess."
Keith's frown deepened. During the week he gradually noticed things about Shiro's behavior. He was training at odd hours for longer durations, which probably cut into their leader's sleep time given the dark circles just visible around his eyes.
I'd even say he's been quiet.
They all were, to a certain extent. Between what happened on the Balmera and the Princess almost dying their team was definitely subdued. But for Shiro...Maybe he was more alert about Shiro's mood because he knew him longer. Or the change was just more noticeable because Shiro was the leader. He looked down at his bayard and then back to Shiro.
He's stopped wearing his paladin armor too.
Half the time Shiro could be seen walking around in it, even practicing in it so he could be accustomed to fighting in it. He would even say that their leader looked more comfortable wearing the armor than not. Lance would tease Shiro about it behind his back, calling him their Boy Scout Leader.
"Shiro...is something wrong?"
The Black Paladin finished his roundhouse kick in the air then smoothly turned to face Keith.
"I'm fine Keith. Just...it's the memories."
Keith's frown eased a little. That was something he could see happening.
"They're still coming?"
"Not as frequently." Shiro lifted his shirt to wipe his face. "But it's nothing. They'll let up soon."
"If it gets too much..."
"Thanks Keith," Shiro faintly smiled. "These training sessions do help. Honest."
He knew Shiro was saying that more for his benefit, but it did make him feel like he was helping. He sighed to himself. Being a private person himself he felt like it was up to Shiro to decide something like this. He wasn't the sort to push the issue.
"See you later."
Shiro gave him a small wave. Keith left the room.
Shiro brought his right hand down, staring at the foreign hand. The fingers weren't always black and the metal plates weren't always clean. His mind supplied a memory of them wet and red. Sometimes green or purple. Orange or blue. He fisted his hand tightly, trying to banish the image.
But blood was blood no matter the color.
The last anyone saw Allura was when they were trying to save her life. So when Coran brought her out to the observation deck they naturally turned their attention to her.
"Princess Allura," Hunk smiled widely. "Welcome!"
"Oh yeah," Lance gave a fist pump, "our Space Queen is back!"
Pidge stood up from her seat. "Are you feeling better?"
Even Keith was looking at her in concern. She felt her insides warm at their worrying.
"I am. Thank you." Pause. "Where's Shiro?"
Hunk, Pidge, and Lance turned to Keith. Keith withheld the urge to shrink back at all the eyes. He hated being the center of attention, good or bad.
"He's training. Said we didn't need him to launch, so..."
Allura felt partly relieved as well as disheartened. But she knew why the absence, why the Leader of Voltron would not want to be around at this time. Not with her presence in the room.
"...I understand."
She cleared her throat then stepped away from Coran to activate the pillars.
After the launching Allura stayed in her room.
Hunk at least knew she was eating something since he saw Coran loading up a tray of food every now and then. But she didn't appear to be eating too much of it. The ticker timer went off with a pulsing hum. Hunk slipped on his mittens and took out his new food experiment. Maybe this could tempt her.
Pidge was downstairs in the lower level messing with the Galra crystal.
Lance was doing whatever the heck Lance did besides sleeping and skin maintenance.
Keith was going to train like always but this time Shiro locked himself in the training deck, forcing Keith to wait in the viewing room above. The Red Paladin watched as Shiro practiced some katas slowly, then gradually went faster. He looked at the ticker.
Shiro's been in there for over two hours already.
Even from this distance he could see his face dripping with sweat, his shirt a crumpled mess on the floor. He frowned at the scars that he could see even from this distance.
I thought I understood the extent of his trials.
He wasn't stupid enough to think he actually knew anything. None of them did. They were all inexperienced, wet behind the ears, zip space adventure teenagers. But he knew Shiro better than anyone else here. His mentor was a calm, patient person, not easily rattled. Even with what's happened so far he was still giving advice and looking out for all of them.
If there was something seriously wrong he'd doubt Shiro would still do that.
That had been Keith's initial thought.
But as Shiro suddenly pounded the floor with his activated arm and stayed half kneeing in the mini crater he made in the floor with his head bowed down low, Keith wondered if, underneath all of that mentoring, all of that leadership, Shiro was just barely hanging on.
The Black Paladin suddenly straightened, picked up his shirt, and left.
He crossed his arms. He was going to have to wait for the training room to fix itself. That floor was still a cracked mess.
Shiro...
Maybe some pushing was in order.
Shiro walked down the central hallway that was connected to the others.
He needed something to drink before hitting the showers. He wiped his face then left his shirt around his shoulders. His body was tired. His mind was tired. He hoped it would be enough to just fall into a dreamless sleep for a couple of hours. He wasn't foolish enough to hope for a whole night's rest of no dreams.
I haven't fully slept since Kerberos. He felt a rueful crooked smile on his face. To think I always needed at least eight hours of sleep. He felt lucky to just get three. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted motion. Coran was helping Allura walk from a direction he had taken her down just once, when she had woken up in a shaken state...
"You need rest Princess," came Coran's quiet scolding. "Alfor would have my moustache if I let you walk around in this condition."
"Coran, I cannot sleep without seeing my father's -"
She stilled when she saw him.
He noted her tired eyes. He thought about the yellow mouse darting away from him that night, curled up in a tight ball as if to make itself unseen by him. He didn't see any of the mice again after that. He didn't blame them. Or her. He closed his eyes for a second then turned.
He walked away.
He didn't know how to handle this.
There was a knock on her door.
Allura roused herself into a sitting position. For a tick she wondered if it was Shiro but then recalled his turning away in the hallway without a word. It's probably Coran or Hunk. The treats Hunk made had been eaten by the mice but she appreciated the gesture.
"Come in." It was silent. Then the door slid open. "Keith?"
The Red Paladin had his hands in his jacket. By the slouching of his shoulders she took it he didn't want to be here too long. If at all. As it was he was still in the doorway.
"You need to talk with Shiro."
That was not what she had been expecting. "Why me?"
"You push." He gave a shrug. "I'm not really like that with these kinds of things."
She gave him a flat look. "What kinds of things?"
He looked down at his feet. "He's not sleeping." He looked back at her with a serious expression. "It's...his memories."
Her eyes lowered to the bed. "There's not much I could do about that."
"...He doesn't like to worry us. If we ask he'll just feel guilty and try to bottle it up more." Pause. "But you're like the co-head of Voltron. I think Shiro would be willing to tell you than any of us. Or listen to you, I guess." He kicked the floor a little. "Not sure what he needs exactly."
"Nor do I," she murmured softly.
"What?"
"It was just a thought to myself," she said louder. "I cannot promise anything...but I will try."
"Ok."
He turned around suddenly and left. She shook her head in amusement then sighed as she let herself fall back onto her pillows. The mice squeaked indignantly at the abrupt awakening but were quick to come back next to her and sleep. She stared at the ceiling as her mind wandered.
'Let it go Allura,' Shiro had pleaded in sincere earnestness, 'Please.'
She brought her arm to cover her now closed eyes. She had found out what happened with Gopi, as she had ignorantly wanted. But even worse...He knows I know. That night she had reacted subconsciously. She had remembered too late that one of the mice was with him. She hadn't reined in her emotions from the mice fast enough, judging by his avoidance.
But it had ached so much.
The injustice of it all, the lack of options in so short amount of time, his overwhelming guilt...He had been so thoroughly disgusted with himself in the memory so "her reaction" had been what his was. But it wasn't what she thought at all. She felt sorry for the decision he had been forced to make.
However...
"How do I lead someone with so many burdens?" she whispered.
It was the very question she was trying to answer with her father.
There was activity in the castle.
Shiro could hear it above him but he would not be distracted. He had been standing here all morning and he'd continue to do so for the rest of the day. He stared at Sendak's frozen form. The Galra looked at rest. He felt his brow tick.
He honestly thought he could wait longer.
But apparently even he had his limits, especially in this sleep deprived state he was in.
"You're the prisoner now." Shiro leaned a fist against the glass. "But we're not inhumane like you."
Nothing happened.
"You must be worried about your empire." After hours of standing here he felt his patience finally snap. "You're frozen and disarmed! I won't let you go until I get some answers!"
He pounded the glass. A small piece of purple memory strand fell into the small tank next to Sendak. He watched it glow a little for a moment. I wonder...
"Don't like being trapped?"
Another strand came out. Hit a nerve, huh?
"I'm sure Zarkon has use for broken soldiers."
The strands stopped growing too soon. Shiro frowned. He needed more information.
"How long have you been a commander?"
Nothing.
"Where do you take the prisoners for work camp?"
The short strands seemed to be mocking him.
"Zarkon's weaknesses...tell me the worst one."
'...What weaknesses?'
Shiro looked around him but there was no one there. He frowned. Is lack of sleep finally catching up with me? But now was not the time to think about that. He had a mission to do.
"Where is the headquarters? How do I infiltrate it?"
'You want to return so soon? I knew you would come around.'
Shiro's eyes grew wide as the voice spoke. It was Sendak but - Did his eyes just flash?
"You're frozen. How can you be -"
'You can still come willingly. I'm certain Haggar will take the transformation slower if you do.'
"That witch has done enough," Shiro spat out.
'You fool.' Sendak's wicked laughter echoed in the corridor. 'You self righteous fool! She's only bringing out what is already inside. You were pleased when the crowds chanted for you in the arena-'
His face paled. "No, I wasn't -"
'It's only natural. A Galra soldier takes pleasure in what he does, no matter what it is.'
"I-I'm not like you."
'Look at your arm, look at your brand. I told you...that arm is for the empire. Your strength is for Zarkon. Stop fighting the inevitable.'
"I don't have to hear this!" He covered his ears but stayed at his post.
'But you will. For a soldier never abandons his post.'
Shiro's eyes widened even more. How did he know what I thought?
"I...am a Paladin of Voltron," Shiro breathed out. "Your empire will -"
'Paladin? With all that blood on your hands?'
He felt his breath still. It was something that was on his mind lately. A doubt that took root once he recovered more memories and it refused to let him go. He sank down slowly without realizing it as the voice continued.
'You mar the suit, the good name of Voltron.' Sendak darkly chuckled.
He bent over, feeling the doubt grow larger than he could handle. He thought he could move on from being a victim, a prisoner, a plaything. He had been so relieved to have a new purpose, a new identity that would allow him some control over his life.
But now - could he continue being a Paladin...?
'Do your fellow Paladins know the extent of what you've done? What you've seen? Why,' the chuckling grew louder, 'you'd scare that Princess to death if she ever knew the monster behind the suit.'
He couldn't take anymore. "Stop it!"
His hand nearly went through the pod. He stared wide eyed at the fractured glass. He used to be a calm man. Slow to anger and violence. Where was that man now? He felt his eyes lower.
But the voice was not done with him.
'Or' Sendak murmured above him, 'does she already know your true nature?'
He felt his breath catch. He made the mistake of looking up. Sendak's fangs flashed at him and that dreaded, demon fire of his pupil-less eyes piercing him in victory over his brokenness.
He slammed his hand on the eject option, needing the reprieve. Immediately he realized his mistake, his great folly. He leaned against the empty pod with his heart pounding faster than ever.
"You...are a fool."
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AN: Next chapter might be shorter but I thought it was better to have all of this in one chapter.