Chapter 12: Broken By the Devil

~Clary~

They were coming. We got the signal just before sundown, launching everyone into a rush for the final preparations. I stand with Maggie on the porch of Barrington, waiting for Jerry to signal us that they're almost here. Maggie holds the walkie in her hand, using the strategy we divised together to lure them to battle inside the Hilltop.

Finally, Jerry turns, waving his arm.

"Here we go," Maggie says, then looks down at me. "I trust you, but are we sure about this?"

"There's no way I'll see heaven," I say, "so let's raise a little hell. Let's piss 'em off, 'cause anger makes 'em stupid, and stupid gets you killed."

"Alright," Maggie says, then presses talk button. "Negan. I want to talk to Negan."

A voice that I know isn't Negan's comes over the walkie. "Well, hello there," he says. "You are speaking to Negan, but my birth certificate says Simon. With whom do I have the distinct displeasure of speaking?"

"Maggie. Maggie Rhee. The Widow."

"Well then, hello again, Widow Rhee, and allow me to offer my condolences for what's happened and what's about to happen. In case it's not already as plain as Hilltop potatoes, yours truly is speaking on behalf of Negan this go round. And I assure you the man himself personally received your care package next day delivery. I noticed it was in the box that I gave you in good faith. Trick's on me."

"Dianne," I say, "bring the Saviors out."

She nods, disappearing inside as Simon continues, "But the bill's come due, and you and your people are gonna have to pay. Quite dearly, I'm afraid."

"Your thirty-eight people are alive and breathing," Maggie says. "Turn around and leave us be, and they stay that way. But if you don't, the Orphan and I have thirty-eight bullets that we will personally fire into all thirty-eight."

Alden's taken aback as Maggie turns, the walkie still in hand. As Maggie holds the walkie up for him, I raise my gun. I press the barrel to Alden's head, right behind his ear. I see him flinch at the cool metal, and I tell him, "Choose your words carefully, pretty boy, and the Orphan won't make it thirty-seven."

Alden swallows before saying, "It's too nice a night to spend it dyin' slow, don't you think, Simon?"

"How's this gonna go?" Maggie inquires, taking the walkie back.

"Well, Maggie Rhee, this is highly regrettable, but the way I see it, the Saviors you're in possession of there are damaged goods. You know, they've got themselves into their own pickle, and this organization prizes those who A, avoid capture, and B, figure out their own shit when said outcome eventuates."

I lower my gun from Alden, and he bows his head. Under his breath, he mutters, "Of course."

"Which, in the end," Simon says, "is my way of saying fuck them."

"Do you really think that cockamamie play would work?" Gregory questions.

"Fuck off, Gregory," I snap. "'Cause it will."

There's a tense moment of silence from both sides, no one daring to even move. I mutter, "C'mon, Darry, where the hell are you?"

As soon as I say that, Daryl makes his move from the other side of the gate. He fires on the Saviors, riding up to the gate and luring them in. Jesus, from his position in the bus, pulls forward as soon as the gate opens for my brother. Daryl makes it through, but Jesus has blocked the Saviors from driving in any farther. He scrambles out to get to cover with the others, and Maggie shouts, "Now!"

Our people spring up from where they were hidden and lying in wait, opening fire on the Saviors. Their archers nock, draw, and release. Arrows soar into the Hilltop. I grab Maggie with one hand, Alden with the other, and pull them down with me. Some of the other Saviors behind us drop, wounded. Alden looks over at me, clearly surprised as he asks, "What was that for?"

"Instinct," I reply.

"Well, thanks."

I give a nod. Maggie orders Dianne, "Take the prisoners to my office. Hold 'em there 'til it's done."

"Let's go, let's go!" Dianne barks, and the Saviors don't argue, rushing inside to take cover. "Get inside!"

Alden, of course, is the one that argues. I'm starting to think he's on the wrong side of this fight. He takes my arm, telling me, "I can help you defend this place. I want to. Please. You think I got a reason to be loyal to these people?"

"Get inside, Alden," I order him. "Stay alive."

Dianne takes Alden, pulling him inside. She calls, "Maggie, Clary, you coming?"

"Where the hell is he?" Maggie questions.

"Go, Maggie!" I bark. "Lookouts, fall back! Front line, give 'em cover!"

While Maggie retreats inside, I split off, pushing forward into the battle. I take cover behind a truck beside Daryl, panting, "You know the one thing they never show in those dystopia movies? How old battles get. And how much they fuckin' suck."

"You shouldn't even be fighting," Daryl says after firing on the Saviors.

"I'll stop after everyone on my list is dead."

Speaking of my list, I spot Simon moving forward in the distance. Dwight isn't far behind him. Daryl realizes first who they're moving towards, shouting, "Tara!"

A Savior suddenly appears in front of us, lunging for Daryl, but I shoot him first. It's Dwight that hits Tara, his arrow protruding out of her shoulder. "Tara!" I shout, then spot Enid close to her. "Enid, go! Get her to safety!"

Daryl and I remain where we are, firing on Dwight and Simon. Daryl doesn't have any regard as to who he hits or aims for, but I make sure to steer clear of Dwight. As Enid helps Tara to safety, Michonne runs over to us. "Maggie gave the signal!" she rushes. "We gotta go! Daryl!"

"Daryl, go," I order, pressing a kiss to his cheek before pushing him after Michonne. They take off for Barrington, while I go around to the trailers, scrambling on top of one.

Maggie has already enacted her plan, throwing flash bangs and smoke grenades down to stop the line of approaching Saviors. The others fire, busting the headlights and enveloping the Hilltop in darkness.

I kneel atop one trailer, a shadow in the night, shrouded in darkness, and listen.

"I can't see shit," Simon says from somewhere nearby. "These people have run before. Arat, take a team around back. I want the place surrounded. Gary, your group goes for the trailers. Slow and quiet, capiche?"

"Yeah," Gary confirms.

"Thank you, Simon," I whisper. He's sending Gary right into my line of fire. My eyes have adjusted enough by now that I can make out shapes moving in the darkness. A cluster of Saviors remain by the bus, and I can see a smaller group splitting off to head towards Barrington. Another small ground heads towards the trailers, led by Gary. From the group by the bus, I can hear Dwight question, "The rest of us?"

"The rest of us are making a house call," Simon answers. "Well, if anybody's home, it's time to do some proper slaughtering."

And the son of a bitch starts up that goddamn whistle.

I pick out which Savior is Gary, raising my rifle. I wait, letting him come closer. I wait for the rest of my people to open fire so I don't fire first and give away my location. When the lights around Barrington come on and my people open fire from the windows, I fire, too. Simon yells for them to retreat, and I line up Gary in my sights. Just as I fire, a Savior runs between my bullet and its intended target. Gary freezes as the Savior drops, then looks up and spots me on top of the trailers. He shouts, "Watch the trailers!"

I raise my gun to fire again, but it clicks. Gary takes off the second I lower my gun to reload. By the time I get my gun reloaded, I've missed my shot to kill the man that nearly killed my father.

Even though Gary has run, I still fire on those that remain. I climb down from the trailer, chasing the Saviors out. I reach the gate just as Rick and Maggie arrive, Rick having brought reinforcements when the battle resumed after the silence. Rick and Maggie push on, while I take a different route.

I climb up on the hood of a truck in the gate, scrambling up on the roof. Below me, Rick and Maggie fire at the retreating Saviors while I do the same from up above. We only stop when their tail lights disappear into the night.

"I wanted them dead," Maggie says, lowering her gun. "All of them. Negan most of all."

"Yeah," Rick agrees, nodding. "Me, too."

"Did you see him?"

"He wasn't here. I saw him out there. I broke away and tried to kill him. I didn't, but I tried."

"Thank you," Maggie says, and Rick nods. They retreat back inside Hilltop, while I remain at the gate, the adrenaline still pumping through my veins. And then it hits me.

I didn't count.

I watched them drop, one by one. I killed with no remorse, no second thoughts or reflections after they drop. It's something that I promised myself I would never do because I didn't want to go to the place that I couldn't come back from. But I did. And I finally broke.

I've abandoned what humanity I had left, humanity I never wanted to lose because if I did, I'd be Negan. All of it, all because of Negan. Sure, he may be right and a lot of shit's on Rick; but he promised me that one day, I would be him. Whether it's him or something else that breaks me, I'd be him. I'd become the devil that stood before me. And I've finally been broken by the devil.

Glenn always had the most humanity out of any of us. He felt everything we did, even when he didn't have a hand in it. If he were still here, I wouldn't have hesitated to go to him for help. But Glenn's gone, so here I am.

I sit at his grave as if it'll have the answers I need.

I bow my head, whispering, "I gotta try, Glenn. I gotta try to come back. Negan said that one day, I'd be him; and I can't do that. I can't be him. I'm not gonna kill anymore, even though the war's still on. And if I do, I'll count 'em again. But I can't kill anymore. I think it'll kill me if I do. I'm gonna try to do some good. Help people, instead of hurtin' 'em."

Maggie approaches me, resting a hand on my shoulder. She asks, "You doing okay?"

"No," I answer as I get to my feet. "But are any of us?"

"You sure you're up for this?" I nod. "Alright. Come on." We rejoin Kal by the truck, the bed piled with bodies of the Saviors. Dianne arrives, Alden in tow; and Maggie cuts the rope around his wrists. "We'll get you outside the gates so you can bury your people. With a guard, of course." Maggie gestures to me. "She's volunteered to go out."

"The Orphan," Alden says, recognizing me.

"Don't call her that."

"I'm sorry, Miss," Alden apologizes to me. He glances over his shoulder at the Saviors' bodies. "They're not mine, but I'm glad you see 'em that way. As people."

"'We don't burn people,'" I say, echoing Glenn's words. "'We bury 'em.'" I nod towards Kal, who's to be taking us out. "Kal, let's go."

Kal slides behind the wheel, and Alden and I ride on the tailgate as he drives us outside. Alden's silent until Kal slows the truck to a stop, and we get out. "I am sorry for calling you the Orphan, for what you've lost to warrant that name," Alden says. "I never did catch your name."

"I didn't throw it," I reply, handing him a shovel. Alden lets out a short chuckle, taking the shovel. He starts to dig, and I turn to Kal. "I got it from here."

"You need anything, anything happens, give me or Jerry a holler," Kal says. "We'll come running." Kal hands me the keys before walking back inside the gate. I stand watch, keeping my eyes open more for walkers than watching Alden. I know who the real threat is here, who the real enemy is.

I look down at Alden, who wipes the sweat off his brow on the back of his hand before he continues digging. I put my crossbow and gun in the bed, trading them for a shovel. I stick it into the ground beside Alden, starting to dig. He stops what he's doing, looking over at me. "What're you doing?"

"Digging to China," I deadpan.

Alden pauses, sighing. "Alright, fine. Why are you digging?"

"Because you shouldn't have to do it by yourself," I answer, stopping to look at him. "Because I want to start over. I want to help people instead of kill them. I want to be the person Glenn and Carl and Eric saw me as."

"I want to be someone else, too," Alden tells me. "I've wanted to leave the Saviors since I found out what it was they really did. I mean, I could've gone, but they would've hunted me down and-or killed me. So I stayed, and they kept me fed; but I want out of it."

"Dwight did, too. He's our inside man now, still working right beside Negan. But he follows me."

"I'd follow you, too, if I knew your name."

"Cheyenne Raleigh," I tell him, smirking a bit at his persistence. "My friends call me Clary. My enemies call me the Orphan."

"Well, I hope one day you'll let me call you Clary."

"My god, you could charm the skin off a snake, you know that?" Alden grins, going to back to digging. "Alden, hey. Last night, I'm sorry for, you know, putting a gun to your head."

"I was just hoping that it was filled with ich luge bullets."

I can't help but laugh, understanding why he laughed at my retort about knowing my name. "Alright, pretty boy, you're officially okay in my book. This war ends, you'll be under my protection, same as Dwight. Now, let's get digging. I wanna finish this before dark."

"Thank you," Alden says in a whisper, his voice so quiet and soft I hardly hear him. We get back to work, Alden finishing his first grave before me because he had a head start. He opens his mouth, but he can't seem to decide what to call me, rushing through different titles. "Miss Raleigh—ma'am—Cheyenne—"

"Alden," I interrupt, leaning against my shovel, "it's Clary. Christ, dude, I'm younger than you."

"How old are you?"

"Seventeen, why?"

"I'm twenty-two. I was just curious as to how much younger you are."

"You would've been twenty when this started. Were you in college?"

Alden nods. "Never thought we'd end up here, though."

"You said it," I agree with a bit of a chuckle. "I meant what I said, Alden. You're okay by me. I can see us as friends. Call me Clary."

"Clary," he repeats, and I nod. Alden puts his shovel down, climbing out of the grave he dug. "Clary, if it's not too much to ask… would you give me a hand moving one of their bodies?"

"Of course," I tell him. I put my shovel down, Alden offering me his hand to pull me out of my nearly-finished grave. I hesitate for a moment before taking his hand, and he pulls me up. Alden doesn't release my hand right away, taking in the bandage wrapped around my forearm. "Whoa, what happened there?"

"Negan bombed Alexandria," I tell him. "It's why everyone's here. I stayed, distracting the Saviors so my people could get to safety. A car exploded right in front of me, burnt my arm. I'd bleed for those people, and I have. A burn's nothing."

"I admire your loyalty. You, uh, you probably think I'm not loyal to my own people."

"You said it yourself, Alden," I say as we reach the truck. "They weren't your people."

Alden grabs a dead Savior under his arms, tugging him to the end of the bed. I take the feet, and together, we move the body into the grave that Alden dug. While he begins to cover the Savior with dirt, I go back to my grave.

"'The sweetheart under the anger,'" a voice says from above me, and I look up to see Carl standing above me. I know that he's not real, I know that his ghost is me losing my mind with grief. But that doesn't matter to me. It's the only way I can still see him. "Helping this Alden guy. I knew that whatever came after, I knew you'd be there, helping people. You already were."

I shake my head slightly, driving my shovel into the earth. Under my breath, I mutter, "I've killed people."

"You've let people live, too," Carl continues, crouching to be closer to my level. "Who people are, it's never mattered to you. You've always been a fair person. Untrusting, of course, but once you know them a little, you give 'em a chance."

"I don't give second chances," I add, dumping the shovelful of dirt onto my ever-growing pile.

"But you do to people that deserve them," Carl counters, and I look up at him at that. "You've always been a good judge of character. You know who deserves a chance and who deserves to die. The people that are loyal to you, the ones that you gave a second chance despite what they did? Those are the people you have behind you, the ones that'll stick with you no matter what. Because you gave them a chance no one else was willing to give them.

Carl nods towards Alden. "He's with you, babe. He's only tried to help, and you're helping him. I'm not just your subconscious telling you to trust him. If I were here right now, living and breathing, I'd be telling you the same thing. He'll follow you. He knows who you are, what you did, and what you can do. And he knows what you'll do for him. He knows you'll fight for him. Alden's not a Savior. He's one of your men."

"Clary?" Alden questions. "You with me?"

I look away from where I had been staring at Carl, asking, "Huh?"

Alden pauses for a moment, studying me. He questions, "Everything okay? You zoned out there for a minute."

"Yeah, yeah," I quickly assure him. I climb out of the grave, putting my shovel down beside it. "Hey, help me with a body quick."

Alden and I take another Savior's body from the truck bed, moving it into the grave I dug. Alden goes back to his, and I pick up my shovel. I bury the Savior, starting on my next grave as Alden does the same. We work in silence, digging the third and forth graves. I go to put my shovel down to climb out, but I pause, still thinking about Carl's words.

"I'm not right," I say after a moment.

"What?" Alden questions.

"I'm not right," I repeat. "I know that. I know I'm not okay, I know I'm losing my shit, losing my mind. I thought I could make it through Eric. I can't."

"Who's Eric?"

"My dad," I answer. "The one I lost. And my other dad, Aaron, left me to go chase down people that'd kill him as soon as look at him. And Carl… I loved him, and this world took him."

"I'm sorry," Alden says.

"I stayed with him, until the end. He killed himself before the fever could. But…" I pause, looking down before up at Alden. "I haven't told anyone this. I know it ain't real, but I still see him."

"Like a ghost?" Alden questions, leaning against his shovel as he gives me his full attention.

"I don't know what he is. But I see him everywhere. I see him and I know that I'm not okay. Not even remotely."

"Hey," Alden says, leaning forward. "You do know that it's okay to not be okay, right? What you've gone through, nobody with even a shred of human decency would expect you to keep fighting the way that you've been fighting."

I don't tell him that Rick does. I don't tell him about how I know that after Eric died, Rick said that he still wanted me to lead the fight. That there'd be time to mourn after, but not until Negan was defeated.

However, my face must reveal everything without me even needing to say a word.

"Oh, my God," Alden says, horrified that I'm expected to keep fighting. "What an asshole!"

"Huh, I like this guy," Carl says, crossing his arms over his chest as he steps towards Alden. "And I know it's not just me that does."

I look away from Alden and Carl, murmuring, "Damn you, Superman."

"You see him now?" Alden guesses, grabbing my attention again.

"Yeah," I admit after a moment.

Alden climbs out of his grave, sitting at the edge of mine. "What does he do?"

"He … he tells me things that I already know and sometimes don't want to admit that I know. 'I know this because Tyler knows this' kinda thing."

Alden pauses before prompting, "Like what? What does he tell you?"

"Like how you're with me," I answer. "How you're not a Savior. How you're one of us."

"Your Carl sounds like he knows what he's talking about," Alden says a moment later with a soft smile. "'Cause I am with you, Clary. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I already know what kind of person you are. You're the kind of person I'd stick with. The kind of person that saves a Savior, even if you say it was just instinct."

"You know, you didn't have to help," Alden says, sticking his shovel into the earth as we get started on the last grave. "I appreciate it, but you didn't have to."

"Yeah, I did," I argue. "I gotta do somethin' right with my life before I end up destroying myself. I'll start here."

I drive my shovel into the earth, pulling up dirt. We're about a foot down when I hear the snarling. "Uh, Clary?" Alden says. "We've got company."

"I hear 'em," I say. "It's probably just two or three. I'll take care of 'em in a second."

"We don't have a second."

I turn, finding a small herd moving out of the woods. From the looks of it, I count about twenty-five to thirty heads. "Oh, shit," I hiss.

The walkers are moving quickly towards us, fast enough that we don't have time to get out of their way. Even though we'd be running right for them, the truck is our only chance. I bark, "The truck! Get on top!"

"Why not in it?!"

"The windows are broken. We stand a better chance up top."

Alden and I take off, Alden jumping up in the bed while I use my shovel to knock back a few walkers that have arrived. Alden reaches down, and I take his hand as he pulls me up. We climb up on top of the cab, trying to get as high as possible. We stand back to back, pressed against each other, surrounded.

"So…" Alden says, "there's no chance they'll just move on?"

"Oh look, the pretty boy's got a sense of humor. Fuck!"

A walker wraps its bony hand around my ankle, tugging me down. I go down, my ass hitting the cab roof. "No!" Alden cries.

He grabs me under my arms, tugging on me. I try to kick the walker off, reaching up and clutching Alden's biceps. The walker's other hand wraps around my ankle, forming a tight, nearly inescapable grip. Dead, bony fingers brush my other leg. "C'mon, c'mon!" Alden cries, trying to pull me up, but the walker isn't letting go. "Jerry! Help us!"

I start to slip from Alden's grasp, and he holds on tighter. The walker pulls on me, nearly pulling Alden down, too. I glance over my shoulder, seeing walkers nearly grab Alden's ankles as he backs towards the edge, trying to pull me up. I look down at the walkers, the fact that I may die in the next few seconds very real. I look back up at Alden, making my decision. "Let go!" I bark. "Alden, let go!"

"No!" Alden shouts.

I release my hold on Alden, shouting, "Let go or they'll drag you down, too!"

"I can't!" Alden replies.

"Let me die, Alden!"

That's when Jerry reaches us, roaring a battle cry as he swings his axe. He cuts off the walker's arm, kicking it back before killing it, splitting the walker in half. Kal is right behind him, charging into battle. Alden, with my ankle released, pulls me up onto the cab. Alden grabs his shovel, slides down the front of the truck, and jumps into the fray.

I remain on the cab, grabbing my crossbow from the bed. I take on walkers from my place atop the cab, firing on them. Alden uses his shovel as a weapon, swinging it and decapitating a walker before I can fire at it.

When I run out of bolts, I jump down from the truck, drawing my knife. I get up close and personal with walkers, driving my knife into their skull from below their chin. One by one, the walkers fall.

Kal pants as he pulls his spear out of the head of the last walker, remarking, "That was intense."

I hit Alden's arm to get his attention, telling him, "You got a mean swing, Point Break."

"And you got a death wish," Alden returns. "What the hell does that mean? 'Let me die'?"

"I…" I start, then sigh. "I do have a death wish. I have no regard for personal safety, nor do I have any self-control. You're gonna find all that out real quick."

Jerry rests a gloved hand on my shoulder, and I glance back to look at him. Jerry and I have become close friends since Benjamin's death and I marched out of Carol's house on a suicide mission. Jerry always makes sure to keep an eye on me, looking out for me in case of trouble. He says, "Clary, maybe you should get back inside."

"I'm okay, Jerry," I tell him. "I gotta be."

"Dude, that's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. And I've heard some bullshit."

"Look, the pretty boy and I still got work to do," I say, picking up my shovel again. "We'll be in when we're done."

Kal and Jerry return inside the Hilltop, leaving Alden and I to finish the last grave. Walker blood causes the dirt to stick to Alden's shovel. We quickly finish burying the Saviors, keeping a closer eye out in case of walkers this time.

We toss our shovels in the bed of the truck, and Alden climbs in the passenger seat as I remain in the back to put the tailgate up. It sticks sometimes, so it takes a try or two to get it to close. I pause after I get the tailgate up, looking at Carl out of the corner of my eyes as his ghost leans against the tailgate. I tell him, "We were almost together again, Carl. Tomorrow was almost here."