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{~~~JADE~~~}

I need to get splunked. Bad. Like, it's really fucking bad. But my girlfriend's not ready. Well, she's not ready when I'm on top. She spazzes out every time. But if she's the one topping me, she seems okay; like maybe we'll actually get some-fucking-where…that is, until we get interrupted.

And we always get interrupted. Every time. It never fails.

The last time, it was because Vega's friend, Josephina, came over. We haven't had a moment alone since. I'm fucking dying here! I even touched myself last night. Yeah, me. I touched myself last night. Only desperate lonely losers do that. No offense to all the desperate lonely losers out there.

But the worst thing about taking part in a desperate lonely loser act? It was no guilty pleasure. When I say that, I mean it did absolutely nothing for me. Like nothing. I got absolutely no kind of relief because I want Vega to touch me! I want my girlfriend to splunk me!

But it seems like that's never gonna happen because I can never get a fucking moment alone with her! If it's not one of the brats tagging along, she's with Redhead. If Redhead's nowhere around, André needs her help writing a song. If André's all caught up on schoolwork, we're hanging out with everybody at once, including the puppet and the Cat. If everybody's busy, Josephina comes along. If Josephina's not around, Alyssa fucking Vaughn is texting my girlfriend. If all of the above are not happening, fucking Sikowitz sends my girlfriend on a scavenger hunt.

It's driving me insane! Completely insane!

My girlfriend, however, doesn't seem to mind at all. I get the feeling she doesn't want to be alone with me. Probably because she doesn't want to be pressured into having sex. I kinda get it. I've been a lot more handsy lately. More forceful, suggestive, and direct about getting into her pants.

I'm not blind. I see that it makes her nervous. I'm a girl too. I know all about that kind of pressure. That she probably feels it'd be slutty of her to give it up so soon. But we've been together for four months! I kinda think that's long enough to give up the goods. I mean, yeah, I was making Beck wait for a year, but well, that was different.

How?

Shut up, Tori.

Fine, I'll be the slut. I won't touch her, but she needs to scratch my itch.

Now.

I grab her hand and start pulling her up to her room, but then cockblocking Mama Vega decides she needs my girlfriend to help make tacos.

Why! Why did I think today would be any different? Why did I actually think that since the brats just ran upstairs with Other Vega, that I could take my girlfriend to her room, lock the door, and pull her on top of me? Why did I actually think I'd actually get this freakin' itch of mine scratched; or caressed, at least?

Why?!

I glare at Mama Vega for taking my girlfriend away; then interfering ass Papa Vega decides he wants me to watch fucking sports.

I don't do sports.

So, I glare at him too. "I'm not watching-" I pause there after glancing at the TV screen. I thought I just saw… "Is that blood?" I ask, running over to sit next to him.

It's a good distraction. I can admit it. These men violently fighting over a small flat black ball are a good distraction. Like, I just saw a guy lose a tooth. A tooth. It was so awesome. I cheered for about twenty minutes, completely ignoring Papa Vega's ranting.

He's just mad that his team is losing, and I told him so. Hey, he yelled at me first! He told me I can't cheer for both teams.

But I'm not. I'm not cheering for both teams. I'm cheering for the guy wearing the black uniform with a number six on his back. He's brutal. Ruthless.

He really cares about that little flat black ball. He's even knocked down a few of his own teammates to get at it.

I can relate to that. I have a little flat black ball, metaphorically speaking. There are so many players after my flat ball, and I'll absolutely crush anybody who thinks they can take her from me. Friend, foe, it doesn't matter. Vega's mine. I won't share.

I won't.

At that thought, the itch comes back. Hockey's not distracting me anymore. Blood and violence aren't enough anymore. I want to play with my little black flat ball. I want Vega. Now.

I look around. Mama Vega's busy using her phone and the stove at the same time, but she's alone. There's no Vega in sight…which means, my girlfriend's alone too

Good.

I glance at Papa Vega. He's so engrossed in the TV I doubt he'll notice I'm gone. I mention something about having to use the bathroom anyway, just in case. He doesn't so much as blink.

I practically run upstairs, knowing that I'll only have a few minutes with Vega, but those few minutes are gonna have to be enough for now. I know, I'm supposed to want my first time to be something special and magical and memorable. But I'll take anything right about now. I need fucking something…Now!

But Vega's not in her room.

I check the bathroom too, but she's not there either.

Other Vega comes out of her room just as I'm about to go back downstairs and check outside, and I notice it's quiet around her…no brats. That could only mean Vega's with them.

Damn it!

"I thought you had the brats?" I practically yell at Trina.

"Tori took them to the park." She pouts. Actually pouts. Like somebody took her favorite freakin toys away. What is it with these Vegas and the brats? They're just brats!

I stomp my way back to the living room and plop down next to Papa Vega. My girlfriend could've at least told me she was leaving.

I fold my arms over my chest and watch the dude with the number six on his back knock one of his teammates unconscious to try and get the flat black ball. And he gets it too….before smacking it into the net. Which is stupid. Why fight that hard for the stupid flat ball if you're just gonna throw it away? If I was him, I'd keep it. I'd have earned it after running after it, sweating for it, fighting for it. It'd be fucking mine.

Mine!

I get up and pace a little. Which pisses me off. I've never been a pacer. It's for weird little freakos, but I just can't help it. Where's my little black ball? Shouldn't she be back by now? Granted, I don't even know what time she left, but that doesn't freakin' matter. I just want her here with me. It's not even about my itch anymore. Well it sort of is, but not all the way. It's just…I'm trying. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend. I'm trying really hard to give her all this space. And time. And stuff, because I've learned that when I push too hard, she recoils. I've learned that I can't make her open up to me.

I swear I've never tried so hard to appease another human being in my life. But this is getting harder and more irritating by the minute. Mainly because it doesn't seem as if we're getting anywhere. In fact, we seem to be drifting apart.

And I don't know what to do.

I don't know what she needs.

I might just have to swallow my pride and have a talk with Josephina. Yeah, I'm that desperate.

But it could be worse. I'll never admit it out loud, but me and Josephina are alike in a lot of ways. That brainfucking thing Vega does with Redhead, well me and Josephina are pretty much like that. I don't ever have to really say much to her, and she doesn't really say much to me, but we seem to understand each other just fine. And since we understand each other just fine, and she and Vega seem to understand each other just fine, then maybe Josie can help me understand Vega just fine.

I'm so immersed in my internal conversation that I don't hear the car pull up. I don't notice my girlfriend's back until the door slams. Subconsciously, I hear heavy thumps and thuds on the stairs behind me, but I don't recognize them as the sound of Trina running down the stairs until a brat runs past me and jumps into her arms.

Seriously?

Trina?

The brat's crying, so I know it's Thing Two.

But again, seriously? She jumped into Trina's arms? I'm right here! Not that I want her snotting on me, but… it's fucking Trina. She would rather cry on Trina Vega's shoulder than mine? Honestly, she could've jumped into anyone else's arms and I'd be okay. Mama Vega, Papa Vega, My Vega, just not Other Vega.

"Riley, you can't cry." Trina says while patting Amber awkwardly. "I need you to help me exfoliate my pores. If there are tears in your eyes you won't be able to see and you can mess up my gorgeous face." She continues.

Amber just holds on tighter. I think I'm gonna gag.

Suddenly, I hear voices coming from outside. I can't hear what they're saying, but the fact that I can hear them at all lets me know they're yelling at each other.

What the hell…

I walk outside so I can see what's going on and I freeze when I see it's Vega and Thing One going at it like that. I can't even imagine what Riley's done to get caught up in a screaming match with my girlfriend. Nor can I imagine what Riley's done to get Vega to grab and shake her wrists like that. But it must've been something drastic because I've never seen Vega like this with either of the brats.

"Helping me with what? I was fine!" Vega screams.

She doesn't see me. Her sole focus is on the brat she's manhandling. I walk up to them; about to ask what the hell is going on, when Riley screams back at my girlfriend. "He grabbed your arm!"

Wait…who the fuck grabbed her arm?

"So what?" Vega retorts without missing a beat. "Jade's done worse!"

Ouch.

"I've done worse what?" I ask as calmly as I can.

Vega jumps.

Really? She really didn't see me before now?

Of course she didn't. She's always so focused on someone else that she never sees me. But she sees Melissa just fine. She sees Amber just fine. She sees Riley, Josephina, freaking Joy just fucking fine.

"I was just trying to help." Riley sniffs. Then she yanks her arms from Vega's grasp and runs inside.

Vega looks away from me. She's gone from being mad at the brat to feeling guilty for hurting her feelings in less than a second. It's all over her face.

"Riley!" she calls, before trying to go after the little preterd. She forgets me. She doesn't see me anymore. All she sees is the brat, and I'm so sick and tired of that fucking shit.

I grab my girlfriend's hand and pull her into the house without even thinking about it. All I know is that I need to get her alone for just five freaking minutes. As far as what we're going to do within those five minutes…I have no idea. I don't know what I want to say. I don't know how to say what I don't know to say. I just feel angry, and irritated, and there's another feeling there as well, but I can't quite place it.

I know it's Vega's fault though. I know it's because of the way she treats me. Like this relationship is one-sided. Like it's just me chasing after her all the time. She hardly ever chases me back, or does anything to let me know that she considers me hers.

I've just passed Papa Vega when she snatches away from me. I turn around and glare at her. We're going to have this talk; even though I don't know what the fuck to say, we're gonna figure some shit out. Right now!

I get behind her and push, giving her no choice. "Get your ass up those stairs right now, Vega." I growl.

"There a problem girls?" Papa Vega asks suddenly.

I get frustrated, because the way he's looking at me, I just know he's not gonna let me upstairs with his baby girl. He probably thinks I'm going to hurt her or something….I think I'm going to hurt her or something too.

"Yes!" I scream. Now angry with him for getting in the way. "Your daughter's driving me fucking crazy!"

He blinks at me; then looks at Vega with a raised eyebrow.

Ugh. He probably thinks I'm insane. Which I kinda am, but only right now. It's temporary.

I need to go. I need to get outta here before I fucking lose my goddamn mind!

I start to gather up the brats, Riley first. I push her toward the door. She tells me she has to get her book bag, and I let her.

Trina's still trying to get Amber to stop crying so that she can help her with her ugly mug and that irritates me all over again. I walk right up to her and snatch the brat away.

"Hey!" Trina calls. "I need her."

For fuck's sake. I put Amber down on the ground and grab her wrist, pulling her close to me so Other Vega doesn't even try snatching her back.

"Let's go." I bark at the both of them once Riley comes back downstairs, both girls' book bags in her hand. They don't argue. Not even Riley. She's still a bit subdued after the screaming match with Vega.

I shoo them out the door and before I make a dramatic exit, like slamming the door so hard it breaks off of its hinges, I tell Vega to meet me in the janitor's closet tomorrow.

"I heard you guys are banned form the janitor's closet." Other Vega glares at me, still mad that I took her toys away.

"For what?" Mama Vega asks.

I'd forgotten that they don't know about the supposed splunking me and Vega did in there.

"Fucking." I yell, not caring in the least that she'll get in trouble. In fact, I want her too, just for pissing me off. It'll make me feel better.

If the look on her parents' face is anything to go by, then Vega's in more trouble than I could ever dish out to her. And she still better meet me in the fucking closet tomorrow.

On the way home, the brats are unusually quiet. I barely remember they're in the car until I hear a sniffle. I assume it's Amber because she's the crybaby, but I glance anyway. And it's Riley.

That's right. Vega yelled at her and made her cry. They were screaming at each other. Something about Riley trying to help and Vega not needing her help and…somebody grabbed Vega's arm.

"Hey." I call abruptly, startling the brats. "What happened at the park?"

No answer. Not even from Amber.

Seriously?

"What happened at the park?" I repeat.

This time I eye them through the rearview mirror. Amber meets my eyes for a second, but then she looks down at her lap. Her face is so red. Her nose is runny. Kid's truly freaked. I probably wouldn't understand any of her whining at the moment anyway.

Riley, on the other hand, never looks my way. She stares out her window, absently wiping tears away from her face.

I come to the conclusion that Vega must've told them not to tell me and I get beyond pissed. At her and at them. Her for always hiding shit from me, and them for choosing her over me.

When we get home, I don't wait for either of them. If I could, I'd lock them out. (I probably really wouldn't, but that's how I feel at the moment.)

I do, however, slam the door shut behind me…in their faces.

Joy appears out of freakin nowhere. That shit is truly annoying. "You're back so soon?" She asks.

I ignore her, heading for the kitchen to grab a coke.

Obviously we're fucking back.

I hear her greet the girls too, but they're running upstairs. They don't answer her either, so she comes find me.

"Jade, what happened?"

"I don't know!" I yell at her.

She's practically immune to me so she doesn't so much as flinch. She lets out a warning, "Jade…"

"Nobody tells me anything!" I scream. Then it's my turn to run upstairs, but I'm not a prepubescent brat so I take my time getting up there. I do slam my door shut though. That never gets old. I don't care what anyone says.

I hop onto my bed and jam my ear buds into my ear. The music's loud, unhealthily so, but I'm okay with that. I need it. So what if my eardrums burst and I go deaf. Vega probably wouldn't care. Instead of visiting me in the hospital, she'd probably have to go to Redhead's house 'cause she promised to fold her undergarments for her today, I think sarcastically to myself.

I have lots of thoughts like that over the next few minutes; about how Vega's always putting others before me, but after a while it starts to feel a bit like a pity fest. So, I stop thinking about her completely. I turn my music down to a normal volume and I just listen until I relax.

After that, I'm fine. Maybe not okay, but I'm not feeling as frustrated. In fact, I'm feeling a little creative. And before I know it, I've got a pen and my songbook in my hands. Yep, I'm about to write a song…about Vega. How clichéd is that?

I start off with a melody; humming it over and over again to myself. Even though I'm angry, and frustrated, and jumpy, the pacing of the song is pretty slow and soft. Doesn't match my mood at all. At least until I remember that I have calmed down. Until I realize that all of my thoughts of Vega are not of anger and of frustration. They're mostly of confusion, desperation and maybe….maybe a little sadness too.

Then the words come. Quickly too. I've never written a song so fast in my life, but I guess I've never felt like this before either. Because I always make sure I'm in control. I make the rules. What I say goes…except for where Vega's concerned. I can't control her. In fact, it feels very much like she's controlling me. Without even trying.

I stare at the end result nearly an hour later. That's it. That's all it took. And I think I'm done. Mostly anyway. I still need to add the music, which won't be a problem. Since I've got the basic tune figured out already, I can get André to help me put it all together and record it. But as far as the lyrics go, I'm done. Maybe I can add a hook or bridge later, but for now I'm satisfied with what I've got. I go over it once more, just in case:

Verse 1

Mortared heart's been set since long ago

Vital drums should not lay rest in stone

Battered fists beat at the cold cement

Constantly, they make not one small dent

Chorus

Gimme the hammer and chisel I'll stop when I see gold

I promise

Gimme the hammer and chisel I'll help you with this load

I insist

Gimme something, love, oh love

'Cause these fists are all I've got and they're not enough

Can't you see they're not enough?

Verse 2

Mortared heart's got no more space to grow

Stifled veins cannot let warm blood flow

Broken nails chip at the old concrete

With no hope, no prayer, of its defeat

Chorus

Gimme the hammer and chisel I'll stop when I see gold

I promise

Gimme the hammer and chisel I'll help you with this load

I insist

Gimme something, love, oh love

'Cause these nails are all I've got and they're not enough

Can't you see they're not enough?

I make a note to repeat the chorus at the end, but change the "can't you see they're not enough" to "you have to know they're not enough." Then I close my book.

Done.

I'm hungry now. I was too pissed to eat tacos before and I'm starting to regret that. It doesn't smell like Joy's making dinner tonight; which means leftovers…again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a slip of paper being pushed under my door. I nearly ignore it, but I'm not really as angry as I was before, and I'm a bit curious as to who it's from and what it could be.

It's a note. Judging by the handwriting it came from one of the brats. If I had to guess which one, I'd say Thing Two. The penmanship isn't horrible and there are very few spelling mistakes. The grammar's awful though. Run-on sentences and no apostrophes.

I roll my eyes and sigh heavily. I'm so prepared to read a sappy love note, but that's not what this is. The letter says:

When we went to the park Kayla B picked on me so Tori tried to make her say shes sorry but she wouldn't so tori asked her where her mom is and Kayla B said her moms not there so tori asked who she was there with and she said she was with her brother so Tori found her brother but she knew him and she was scarred of him. She kept backing up and he kept coming closer. I was scarred too. Then Riley came and asked for water so tori said she could have some at home cause it was time to go but when we were leaving Kayla Bs brother pulled toris arm and said that they werent done cause he didn't get her phone number so Riley kicked him. Tori and kayla Bs brother told her not to do that but she did it again anyway. Then Kayla Bs brother called Riley the B word and Riley kicked him again. Kayla Bs brother got really mad and tori punched him in the face. His nose was bleeding. Thats what hapened at the park.

I smile a little. Amber's a smart kid. She figured that just because she couldn't tell me what happened at the park, it didn't mean she couldn't write it down for me.

But who the fuck is Kayla B's brother? In fact, who's Kayla B?

I snatch my door open and march right into the brats' room. "Who's Kayla B?" I ask. No preamble.

Riley looks at Amber, like she can't believe she squealed. Amber's whole face heats up and she refuses to look up at me.

I walk up to her and wave the letter in her face, forcing her to address the fact that she came to me.

"Who's Kayla B?" I ask again.

"A girl in my class." She answers reluctantly.

Obviously.

I wait there, wanting her to elaborate, but I get nothing. She's not saying anything. Of course she's not saying anything. If she was allowed to tell me what happened, she wouldn't have had to write it down.

I look down at the letter, seeing if I can get more out of it from a second reading.

And I do. Those lines about Tori knowing the guy and him wanting her number jump out at me. The guy at the park must've been her wazzbag of an ex-boyfriend, Danny. Vega changed her number a few weeks ago because she didn't want Wazzbag calling her or texting her anymore. I was especially happy about that. I can't stand that guy. Plus with him out of the picture, that's one less uniform chasing my little black flat ball.

Only, it seems he's trying to get back on the ice.

Yeah, I'm not having that.

I leave their room and head back to mine. Then I grab up my phone and call my girlfriend up.

She doesn't answer.

She ignores me.

So I send her a text, letting her know that I'm on my way over.

She texts me back immediately that she's grounded and can't have company. Which I should've figured on my own. I mean, what did I expect would happen to her if I told her parents we'd splunked at school?

Guess I'll just talk to her at school tomorrow.

Of course that would be much easier to do if she actually showed up for school.

At first, I thought she was running a little late, which I admit should've alarmed me because my girlfriend's never late, but I figured she had a crappy night. After the way her parents probably lit into her, being late to school would probably be the least of her worries.

I feel bad about that. I really do, and I'm definitely gonna apologize when I see her, but by fourth period, it's more than apparent that she's skipped today. And since I doubt her parents' grounding is so extreme that she can't even leave the house to come to school, I know she's avoiding me.

She does have a right to be angry with me, but it's an easy fix on my part. All I have to do is call her parents up and tell them I lied.

Yeah, much easier said than done, but I'm no punk, so I'm determined to do this. I debate on which parent to tell for a bit and decide on Papa Vega. Yes, he has a gun, but he's a bit more liberal with his baby girl's sex life. I mean, he got her handcuffs… and it wasn't even her birthday. I still have those things by the way.

I scroll through my contacts and find him right in the P's. It wasn't my idea to put his number in my phone. It was Vega's. Since her dad's a cop, my girlfriend believes in being prepared for all types of emergencies.

It was a stupid idea to me because I never thought I'd actually have to call him one day. Yet, here I am.

"Hello?" he answers on the third ring.

Crap! I don't know what to say…or how to say it. Maybe I should hang up and forget I ever tried to call him.

"Jay?" He asks.

Okay, so he knows it's me. Of course he knows it's me. Caller ID isn't just a concept. Of course I can't hang up!

"Um, I lied." I say quickly, getting straight to the point so I won't lose my nerve. "Me and Vega never splunked at school."

"And why did you lie?"

I bite my lip. I'm so not used to this. Me and male authorities don't mix. Usually because I don't give a fuck, and I'll say whatever to them. They don't like that. Especially not Grayson, which is why I don't ever talk to him. I ignore every single one of his phone calls, which have been coming more often lately. I bet his head's about to explode, and the thought amuses me. But Vega's dad, I kinda like him. He's a bit overprotective when it comes to his family, but it's better than him not caring at all, right?

"I um, I was just mad at her." I answer honestly. "I wanted her to get in trouble. So…so, um, you can unground her now."

No answer for a few seconds and I just feel like I'm swimming in deep chiz, though I know he wouldn't really do anything to me.

"Uh, Tori's not grounded, Jay. She's sick. She didn't tell you?"

I'm relieved that he's still calling me Jay, even though I hate that nickname. It reassures me that he's not wazzed off with me, but then I think about what he said. Vega's not grounded.

But she told me she is. She told me she can't have company.

She lied to me. And she lied to her parents too just so she wouldn't have to face me. There's no way she's sick.

Of course I get angry. But it's not being lied to that strictly does it. It's finally realizing that I'm never gonna get anything out of her. Never. No matter how much patience I have with her, no matter how long I wait. She's never gonna want to talk to me.

It's me. Just me.

She doesn't trust me. She doesn't feel like she needs me. She probably doesn't want me either. And there's nothing I can do about it.

But I need to do something, anything. And that's when I get the idea.

I call Joy up. She's slower than Papa Vega at answering her phone, but she's still quick enough not to annoy me.

"Hello, sweetheart." She practically sings.

"I'm picking up the girls from school today." I answer. Short and sweet.

"Is…there a reason?"

I roll my eyes and yell out of frustration, "Do I need a reason to pick up my sisters, Joy?"

Silence. Like she's actually thinking about it.

"I'm not gonna kill them or anything, Mom. I'm just taking them to the park."

I've noticed that I get what I want faster when I call her that; when I call her Mom instead of Joy.

"Okay, have fun."

See?

I hang up before she can tell me she loves me. I don't feel like saying it back. Not that I ever have, but I'm starting to feel pressured into it. Every time she says it, my response is a simple "I know." And honestly it's starting to make me feel like a real bitch. I don't wanna feel that way, but I can't help it if I'm not ready to say the words back.

I think she understands. That woman has way too much tolerance and patience for me. I'd question her sanity if I didn't feel lucky to have someone to put up with my bullshit the way she does.

When the girls see that it's me picking them up, they're both hella shocked. Amber smiles at first, but then she gets confused. Guess she's realized this is weird. Riley's not as slow to realize the oddness of me picking them up on a Friday. She glares at me suspiciously until I finally speak.

"What park did you guys go to yesterday with Vega?"

"Why?" Thing one asks.

"Because we're going."

"Why?" she repeats.

"You know why." I state.

And she does indeed because she smiles, then she says, "What if he's not there?"

That's a legit question, but I'm so willing to go to that stupid park every day until I find the wazzbag.

I raise an eyebrow at her, letting her know that I'm waiting on an answer to my question.

"I don't remember how to get there." She answers.

At first I think she's being difficult, but then I can see that she wants to go. And I remember her fight with Vega and the letter Amber wrote. Yeah, Riley'd be all for another confrontation with Wazzbag.

I look at Amber, she's quiet. Too quiet. She knows how to get to the park. She's much better with remembering directions than her sister.

But I can see she doesn't want to say anything. She doesn't want to go back to that park. She's such a big baby.

So I baby talk her.

"Booger, do you remember how to get to the park?" I ask sweetly.

She doesn't seem to want to answer. In fact, she doesn't answer, just stares down at her Yellow Kitty book bag.

Riley pokes her. "Come on Amber, quit being a big baby."

"Stop it, Bacon." I reprimand her. Although I totally agree with Riley.

Amber looks up at me, surprised that I actually came to her aid.

"Why don't you want to go to the park, Amber?" I continue sweetly. "Are you scared?"

She nods her head. "What if Kayla B's brother is there?"

"I'll deal with him."

She sighs deeply and gives me the directions reluctantly.

Riley's the first out of the car. She searches the park quickly and then comes to tell me that they're not here.

It's still a bit early, so I tell the girls to play while I wait. Riley has no problem with that. She's gone the second I tell her the plan. Amber sticks close to me, which would be annoying if I wasn't so used to it.

I pull out my ear buds and do a little writing. Amber copies me. Except I think she's doing homework. Since when do third graders get homework over the weekend?

When my creative juices stop flowing, I check the time. We've been here for nearly two hours. I'm about to pack it up and try another day when Riley comes running up to me.

"They're here, they're here!" She says excitedly.

I get her to point them out to me. And I have to squint a little, but I see 'em. The guy in the black jeans and white T-shirt and a little brat he's talking to.

"Okay, go play." I shoo her away absently.

"What?" she scowls. "I wanna come with you."

"Go play." I say more forcefully.

She rolls her eyes and stomps away.

Then I walk up to the guy Riley pointed out to me.

He's alone now. The kid ran off to play.

I pause once I'm a little closer to him. I thought it was Wazzbag who had been at the park yesterday. I thought it was Wazzbag who had grabbed Vega's arm and demanded her number; but even with his back to me I can see that this guy isn't Wazzbag. He's bigger than Wazzbag. Beefier and…manly.

He turns around suddenly, and now I'm face to face with him.

He's even more…manly looking from the front. Riley's got more balls than I give her credit for if this is the guy she kicked three times yesterday. And Vega must've been scared out of her wits, yet she still punched him in the face. Broke his nose it looks like, if the bruising and the bandages are anything to go by.

"What happened to your face?" I smirk at him.

Then my smile falters. I recognize him. Not on a personal note, but I saw a picture of him once. He's the guy Redhead chucked on at Ryder's party.

I can't help but to smile again, a little wider this time. Now I'll finally find out what happened at that stupid party. Now I can finally do something about it.

He smiles back at me. "I got in a fight."

"You're smiling, even though you lost." I gesture toward his face, hoping to deflate his ego by hinting at the fact that he got his ass handed to him by a girl.

"I don't feel like I lost. The guy was pretty big." He answers, giving me a pitiful look.

I full out grin. "Guy, huh?"

"Yeah."

"What'd you two fight about?" I challenge.

"My little sister, he was picking on her."

"So you came to your little sister's rescue." I coo. But it's heavy sarcasm. He just doesn't get it.

"I'd do anything for her." He answers sincerely.

He's good. Real good. He should be attending Hollywood Arts. If I didn't know the truth, I'd totally believe he got beat up while protecting his little sister.

"Jade, can we go now, please." My arm is suddenly tugged on.

Crap. It could only be Amber. I swear that kid just makes me want to punch her sometimes.

The lying wazzbag looks down at Amber. Then he looks back at me. "Jade huh? Tori's girl." He states, not asks.

I narrow my eyes. So he's heard of me.

"She mentioned me?" I ask.

"At a party a while back."

"And you remember that?" I scoff.

"I've got a great memory." He says, his voice taking on a very unpleasant tenor. It must be his warning tone.

I don't heed.

"That's funny, because you don't seem to remember what happened to your face." I counter.

He gets in my face.

Quickly.

One second he's standing three feet away from me, and then I blink and we're fucking toe to toe.

I don't back away, but I can see how he could be considered intimidating. His eyes are a bit extreme. And it's not because of the way his irises, which are so light they almost seem clear, contrast against his huge black pupils. It's his gaze. It's incredibly intense; like, it could only belong to a dangerous psychotic predator. And not necessarily a human predator either.

And I can hear, literally hear, him grinding his teeth.

But I'm not afraid of him. I stare back at him, completely unfazed.

"I remember just fine what happened to my fucking face," He hisses; then he glares so hard at Amber that she whimpers. He must think she's Riley.

"Your slut of a girlfriend is gonna get hers." He promises.

Calm. I manage to stay calm. Normally, I'd have stabbed him by now. Even though that's not a good idea. I mean, I'm out in the open, at a children's park. There are witnesses all around. But he's pissing me off so bad that normally I wouldn't have thought such rational thoughts, even with Tori's annoying ass whining in my ear. I'm only staying calm because I want something from this boy before I kill him. I want information about my "slut of a girlfriend."

"Unless, you wanna arrange a deal." He continues, smiling suddenly.

"Deal?" I raise my eyebrows questioningly. "Tell me why my girlfriend's a slut."

"And I get?"

"To keep your scrotum."

He laughs at me. "I got a better deal. How about I forget what she did to me…" he pauses there to blatantly check out my tits. I cross my arms over them and he unhurriedly looks back up at my face. "If you spend a little time with me." he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. But his eyes are telling me that I don't have a choice. That he won't take no for an answer.

What. The fuck. Is wrong with this guy?

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill this motherfucker dead. If he's acting this way with me, in front of a brat, God only knows what he did to Vega at Ryder's booze filled party full of minors!

My fists clench at the thought. At the thought of him with my Vega. At the thought of him talking to her this way, glaring at her this way, trying to intimidate her this way, trying to get into her pants this way…

This piece of wazzshit doesn't deserve to just die. Nooo. I'm not just gonna kill him. I'm gonna make him suffer first. I'm gonna break him, make him cry, make him fucking bleed, make him beg for death! And I'm gonna do it soon.

Now.

"Where's your car?" I ask; my voice barely above a whisper as I stare into this motherfucker's eyes. I wonder if he's a smart psychopath or a dumb one. I wonder if he can sense that I'm about to hurt him, or if he thinks I'm about to take him up on his offer.

He licks his bottom lip and smiles triumphantly at me.

Apparently, he's a dumb psychopath.

And he's about to be a dickless dumb psychopath.

The wazzshit (I don't even know his name) makes a gesture toward the lot. Then he steps out of my space and turns his back on me, wanting me to follow him I guess; and just as I take a step forward, a small hand grabs mine.

"Jade!"

Fuck. I forgot about the brat…well, brats.

I look down at her, Amber, and shake my hand loose. "Go play." I command. "I'll be right back."

I just have to kill somebody real quick and I don't want any witnesses. I think to myself, but hope she gets the message all the same.

She doesn't.

"I don't want to." She says, grabbing my hand again.

"Go play, Amber!" I yell at her.

She shrinks back, but doesn't let go of my hand.

"Amber," Wazzshit comes back to my side. "The cute one. The one who knows to keep her feet on the ground." He smiles approvingly at her.

The freak just might have as good of a memory as he claims.

"Jade, I wanna go home." Amber steps back, finally letting go of my hand.

"In a minute Booger, go play." I shoo her away again.

She doesn't budge. I can see that she's not gonna budge. She doesn't do the stubborn thing often, but when she does, you practically have to kill her to get her to obey you.

"Amber…." I growl warningly.

"No!" She screams. "I want to go home. I want to go home now!"

My eyebrows rise in surprise. Amber doesn't yell. Ever. Especially not at me. What the fuck has gotten into her?

"In a fucking minute!" I yell back at her, not just to yell at her, but to see how much further she'll go. I really wanna see if she'll yell some more. It's like hearing a story about Mother Teresa flushing a kitten down the toilet. You're outraged first and foremost, but then you start to wonder…can a kitten really be flushed down the toilet?

Suddenly an arm snakes its way around my waist. "She can come too." I hear Wazzshit say, and he only has enough time to wink at me before my elbow smashes into his already broken nose.

It was a reflex. He shouldn't have touched me. Now I need a shower.

Wazzshit starts screaming bloody murder, and it's like what the hell? I've already hit him in front of all these witnesses, might as well continue.

He's bent over, his back to me. Swearing about this and that.

Yeah, dumb psychopath.

I walk around and kick him in his face a couple of times, and when they're available to me, I kick him in his fucking nuts.

Nobody stops me. I stop on my own when I realize there's blood on my shoe.

Damn it. These are my favorite combat boots. And he got his freakin blood on them!

I stop for a second to rub them against the grass, just to kinda clean them off when Amber grabs my arm again.

I snatch away from her, but look down at her too. She's a mess. A red, wet, snotty mess.

Gross.

"I wanna go home," she keeps blubbering, but she's not looking at me. She's staring at Wazzshit, and she's scared shitless.

I look back at him. What's to be afraid of? He's crawling away, quite pathetically if you ask me. And I have every intension of making it so that he can't crawl at all, but fucking Tori stops me. Not even for Wazzshit's sake surprisingly, or maybe not so surprisingly, she wants me to stop for Amber. She wants me to take her home like the kid's begging me to.

Fine. I can finish up with Wazzshit later.

I make to lead Amber away, but it's a no go. She's trembling too bad to even walk. She keeps tripping and her hand keeps slipping out of mine because she's so sweaty.

I swear this kid is the biggest wuss in the history of wusses.

So, I pick her up, much like the way I'm always telling Vega not to carry her, but I've got a legit reason. Vega, on the other hand, is always carrying the brat for no reason at all.

I find Riley quickly and tell her it's time to go. She already knows. She was watching everything from a distance. She's got the hugest smile on her face.

"That was so awesome!" she's saying while skipping around me.

I roll my eyes. Kids are so dumb.

She dances around me, retelling the whole story of Wazzshit's ass beating, like I wasn't there, all the way until I get them in the car.

Amber's still crying and the sound is quite literally giving me a headache.

"Booger, what's the matter with you?" I snap at her, my eyes meeting hers in the rearview mirror. I've started the car already, but I'm not gonna actually drive with her doing all that bawling in the back seat. I refuse.

She doesn't answer me. She's trying, I think, if all those little chokes and hitches are anything to go by, but it's still irritating.

I sigh deeply and search my bag for my ear buds. No, I'm not gonna drive with them in. Tori would never let me do that. I'm just gonna sit here for a few minutes until Amber stops crying.

I watch Wazzshit while I wait though. He's like a snail, the way he has to inch his way across the park to his car. I hope he really plans on driving like that. He'll get in an accident for sure. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll be trapped in his flipped over car, end up hanging upside down with a piece of metal lodged into his chest, and bleed out slowly while the car is on fire.

That would make me very happy. I'd be a bit disappointed because it wasn't me who killed him, but just knowing he was in all that pain before he bit the dust would do wonders for my soul.

"Amber's not crying anymore, Jade." Riley pokes me in the back of my shoulder.

I pull my buds out and turn in my seat to look at her. I could start up my car and drive home, but Tori wants me to make sure she's alright first.

"You ready to talk?" I ask.

She shrugs at me, but then drops her eyes to her lap.

I roll my eyes, ready to call it quits, but Tori is really adamant about this talk I need to have with Thing Two.

I sigh and tap Amber's knee.

"What's wrong? Why were you scared?"

I'm so ready to hear that she didn't want me to go to jail, or something along those lines, but she says, "Ka-Kayla's brother."

What? There was no need to be afraid of him. He didn't do anything to her. And plus, I was right there!

"You're scared of Kayla's brother?" I frown at her.

"I don't like the way he looked at me. I don't want him to touch me again."

I freeze, sit up straight, and grab Amber's face in one hand.

"He touched you?"

She doesn't answer. Not quick enough.

"He touched her?" I turn on Riley, dropping Amber's face.

"He tapped her chin yesterday." Riley shrugs. "Tori's the one who almost broke her arm after she yanked her away from him."

I sigh in relief.

"That's it? He tapped your chin?" I roll my eyes at her for scaring me like that.

If he had hit her, I would have to go find him right now. I'd have to leave the girls in the car, tell them to close their eyes, and I'd have to murder him in cold blood. If they so happened to open their eyes and witness me chopping a wazzshit into tiny pieces, then that would be on them.

"I don't want him to touch me," Amber blurts out defensively. "Not the way he touches Kayla B."

I just freakin relaxed, but that statement instantaneously un-relaxes me. I turn my whole body around in my seat and grip my headrest with both hands.

"How does he touch Kayla B?" I ask quietly.

Amber hears me just fine though. Her eyes widen in shock; like she hadn't meant to let that slip. Like she hadn't even known it'd slipped until I asked her to elaborate.

Then she clasps both hands over her mouth.

I reach out and snatch her hands away from her face.

"How does he touch Kayla B!?" I ask again, louder and much more urgently this time. I realize just how incredibly ridiculous it sounds for me to refer to the kid as that, especially because I forgot about her until now, but I don't think on it. I'm more concerned with getting my question answered.

She can't possibly mean like that! Pedos are old, fat, or ugly men who don't have a chance with a normal woman, right? They're not objectively handsome teen boys who can have any pick of the Northridge sluts available, right?

Right? So maybe Wazzshit just slaps his little sister around. Maybe that's what Amber means.

That's no better, Jade. And let go of Amber's hands.

I focus back on the sight before me. I've got both Amber's hands in mine and I'm squeezing them a bit tight. She's whimpering; on her way to crying again in a minute.

I let go, but I still yell at her to answer my question.

"I'm not supposed to tell." She sobs pitifully.

"Yes you are!" I snap back.

"I promised. I pinky promised!" She insists.

I hate pinky promises. They're stupid. But now I realize that not only are they stupid, but they can be dangerous.

"Some pinky promises can be broken!" I yell back at her.

Amber shakes her head. "I can't. I can't tell!" she wails, clearly distraught.

I don't care.

I'm about to yell at her some more when Tori lets me know that there might be an easier way. I suddenly remember the letter she wrote and slipped under my door yesterday. She wrote down what happened at the park because she couldn't say what happened at the park.

Maybe I can get her to answer my question without saying anything.

"Can you shake and nod your head?" I ask her.

She blinks at me, confused for a second. Then she nods her head.

Good.

I point at her chest. "Does he touch Kayla B. there?"

Slowly, Amber nods her head.

I don't want to ask. I'd very much like to stop right here because I'm starting to get a headache. And my eyes are starting to burn. Even my hands feel a little unsteady. And I realize, I don't really want an answer. Here I am, pressuring Amber to tell me what's going on with the kid in her class, and I don't even think I can stomach the answer.

But again, I'm no punk. I point to her…I point to the zipper on her shorts. "Does he touch Kayla B. there?" I whisper.

Please say no, please say no, please say no…

I wonder if that's what Joy was thinking in her head the day she asked me the same thing. The day she asked me if her father ever touched me. I wonder if she was praying for me to say no, even if it was a lie. Because that's what I want. I want Amber to shake her head. I want the answer to be no, even if she's lying. I just want her to say no…And I don't even know the kid. I don't even know Kayla B. But I still want the answer to be no.

Amber starts to cry. Then she nods her head.

The answer's yes.

There's another question I could ask. I can ask Amber if she knows what Wazzshit uses to touch his little sister. If he just uses his hands or if he actually….

But I guess I really am a punk, because I can't. I don't want to know. I think I already know enough.

I look out my window, searching for Wazzshit. He's gone. I should've snipped his pecker off when I had the chance. I should've insisted Amber run and go play so that I could deal with him. I should've broken every single last one of his fingers when he wrapped his filthy fucking hands around my waist. I should've-

"She can come too."

Suddenly I think back on what he said right before I elbowed him in the face. I hadn't put too much thought into his words because I was too busy kicking his ass for touching me and harassing my girlfriend. But that's what he'd said to me. He said, "She can come too." And then he'd winked at me. He was talking about Amber, my sister. He was suggesting I bring her to his car while I "spent a little time with him?" Was he really planning on including her!?

She's a fucking baby! She still watches the fucking Wiggle Waggles. She still gets money from the fucking tooth fairy. She still believes in fucking Santa Clause, even though I've gone out of my way to prove he's fake. She still has fucking tassels and a cheap annoying ass bell on her pink bicycle. She's still afraid of fucking thunderstorms. She still thinks shoes that fucking light up are cool. She still plays fucking dress up and Barbie dolls. She still needs help getting dressed into certain articles of clothing. She still-

"Watch the road, Jade!" Riley yells at me.

I blink and swerve a little. I'm driving. When the hell did I start driving?

But I'm a little too wired to think past those thoughts. I continue to drive, thinking that I'm on my way home and that I'm gonna find Wazzhit's address, visit him, and finish what I started.

Before I know it, I've parked in front of the house. Not my house, Vega's house. Apparently Tori's decided that I should tell Papa Vega. He is a police officer after all.

I see Josephina's car, which doesn't annoy me the way it normally would've. So what if Vega told me she couldn't have guests, yet her friend is here. I already know she lied to me. I already know it's my company she doesn't want. It's just me she doesn't want to see. It's just me she doesn't want to talk to, or trust, or confide in. It's just me.

What else is new?

I pound on the front door with my left hand. I've got Amber's wrist secured in my right. She didn't want to get out of the car. I had to make her.

Papa Vega answers and Amber shrinks back.

It confuses him because the girls love him. He's like the cool uncle that's even cooler because he's not really their uncle.

"She has to tell you something about a girl in her class." I explain.

He gets it straight away and steps aside. He's not a dumb cop. Maybe he doesn't know exactly what Amber has to say about the girl in her class, but he can see that it's an emergency. A police emergency.

Amber shrinks back even more, refusing to step inside. "I can't." she whines.

"Yes you can! Tell him what you told me!" I snap back at her, releasing her hand.

"Jay, I got it." Papa Vega says, dismissing me as he reaches for Amber. "Come, Mamita. Let's talk."

It must be a Vega thing to call her that.

Amber starts crying and refuses to take a step into the house still. Riley rushes past us and joins Josephina in the living room. She's watching TV with my sort of godson in her lap. It's kinda weird. When she's here, I expect her to be here for no other reason than to be with Vega. Yet, Vega's not down here. Their friendship is weird like that. It's so old and cohesive that they can just do their own thing. It's like, just the fact that they're in the same house together is enough for them. It's like they're family.

I want that with her. I want that with my girlfriend.

I raise an eyebrow at Josephina.

Where's Vega? I'm wondering.

She nods her head toward the stairs.

See? No need to speak to each other at all.

I'm still in the doorway when Papa Vega starts to baby talk Amber. Cooing at her and calling her a big brave girl until she feels like going to him. She wraps her arms around his neck tightly as she continues to cry, and then he's carrying her away.

I shut the door and begin to head upstairs, leaving Riley with Josephina and the baby. Under normal circumstances, Josephina would insist I hold him for a few. She knows he calms me down and puts me in a better mood, but the girl's got pretty good instincts. She can see that not even little Victor Alexander could improve my mood right now. I just want two things. I wanna forget what I learned about Kayla B. and I want my girlfriend. I need time alone with her. Real time alone with her.

Vega's door is unlocked so I don't even bother to knock. I just open it.

She's in bed already, her back facing the door. Seriously? It's only like five, and she's in bed?

I close the door behind me and step closer. Actually, it looks like she never got out of bed this morning. Maybe she really is sick.

I keep going until my knees are touching her mattress. She doesn't move, not even a little.

I bend over her, and note that her eyes are closed. But I don't think she's asleep.

I touch her hair. It's how she likes to wear it to bed. In a sloppy bun on the top of her head, so I don't think she can feel my caress. Not until my fingers move down, and I touch the short wisps at the back of her neck. "Baby?" I whisper.

Her eyes open slowly, and she turns over, looking my straight in the eyes.

She's a mess. Like Amber was the last time I saw her, except Vega's old enough to know how to keep her snot in check. But the things she can't help, the red nose, the puffy eyes, those are just as messy as Amber's had been.

Why's she been crying? I don't think what I did yesterday was that bad. Plus, Papa Vega said she wasn't grounded, so…what gives?

I get in bed with her, ready to ask her what's wrong, but she turns back over, showing her back to me.

She's ignoring me.

Of course she's ignoring me.

What else is new?

So, I flip her over onto her back and sit on her stomach.

She looks up at me with the hugest, brownest, saddest eyes.

I hate this. Can't we just be like normal girlfriends? I'm never happy with her. Either I'm angry at her, or I'm feeling bad for her.

I want us to have some happy times. We have a few, but there's always someone there, sharing in on it. I just want one happy time between the two of us. Just fucking one. Maybe we can go somewhere fun. Somewhere she'd like. She's so goofy and easy to please; she'd probably love somewhere silly, like a bowling alley or the trampoline arena.

Yeah, the trampoline arena would definitely be a place that could make her smile all day long. I even start to smile at the thought because it's no longer just an idea. I'm going to take her. It'll just be me and her. We'll bounce and chase each other around. I won't even demand to know any of her deep dark secrets because that's not the type of day I'm going for. I'm going for happy. Yeah, me. Happy, complete with giggles, and laughs, and fruity drinks, and kisses to the cheek, and hand holding, and all of that other chiz.

"Jade," Vega croaks, abruptly taking me out of my colorful daydream. I look down at her and wait for her to continue. "I think we should take a break." She whispers.

I stare back at her, waiting for the punch line. There better be a fucking punch line, or a just kidding somewhere along the way.

Now. It better come right now.

It doesn't come. She continues to look me in the eye. How could she look me in the eye and say that?

And why the fuck does my fucking chest hurt so fucking bad?

"You can't break up with me." I whisper.

"I know." She sighs. "The deal was you get to break up with me in public, but I said I think we should take a break. Not break up."

Deal? What the fuck is she…

My eyes widen when I finally get it. The deal. The one we made long ago so I could get Beck back and she could make Wazzbag jealous. She pinky promised to be my girlfriend for a couple months and then let me dump her in front of everyone.

I feel like a fool. A completely stupid fool. Here I am, thinking this is real, that she's my girlfriend, and the whole time she's just been patiently waiting for me to dump her. She probably thinks I'm taking too long to do it and now she wants to take a "break" so she can do what? Or should I say, so she can see who?

I harden my eyes. "Why do you think we need to take a break, Vega?" I ask coldly, wondering if she'll have the lady-balls to tell me that she wants to see other people.

"I just think we need a little space." She answers in that whiny voice of hers.

We? I don't need any fucking space. I'm perfectly fine with what we have, or what I thought we had. So where the fuck does the "we" come in play?

"We don't need space." I say.

She raises her eyebrows and looks down at her stomach, where I'm sitting. We couldn't get less space unless we were naked.

I cross my arms over my chest.

"I don't need space," I say stubbornly.

"I do." She whispers.

"For what?"

Come on Vega, get up the balls to say it, you spineless wimp. Tell me you want to see other people, I goad using nothing but my eyes.

"I don't know." She whines. "I just do."

"You know why." I accuse before leaning in, bracing my palm on either side of her head.

She averts her eyes.

Guilt. She reeks of it.

"You cheating on me, Vega?"

She shakes her head vigorously. "I would never cheat on you, Jade. Remember? I promised."

"Is that why you need a break?" I snarl angrily. "So that it won't technically be "cheating?"

"What? No!"

I don't believe her. She's a good little actress. Better than I thought she was, because she managed to fool me.

I thought we were real.

"Who is it?" I hiss.

"Who, what?" she asks innocently.

I slap the bed, near her head, tired of her fucking games. She flinches, her eyes the size of softballs as she stares up at me.

"You like someone." I accuse. "Who is it?"

"Jade"-

"Who!"

"Nobody." She starts to cry. Probably just to get out of talking to me. But it's not gonna work. Not today. I want answers. I'm gonna get answers.

"Is it Melissa?" I demand.

"No. Jade, it's nobody." She sobs.

"Josephina?" I continue, ignoring her tears.

She shakes her head. "No."

And then I have a thought. She's straight, duh. She was only pretending to be my girlfriend. She's into boys. Start naming boys, Jade.

"Beck." I realize. It makes sense. He's always trying to talk to her. She's always staring at him, and whenever they've talked or argued in the past, I could hardly get them to tell me what they were talking about. "You like Beck." I accuse her.

She shakes her head, still crying and still denying.

I grab her face in my hands, and then I wait for her to calm down. I wait until she can focus on me and hear and understand what I say to her.

Then I make a look of absolute disgust.

She shrinks back, probably thinking I'm about to spit on her or something. That's when I know just how effectively I'm pulling this look off.

Then I say, "You really are a slut."

Before Vega can react to what I've just said, Tori starts yelling at me.

Take it back! She freaks. Say you're sorry! Say you didn't mean it! Promise never to do that again! Tell her that you've lost your marbles! Start barking like a dog to prove you've lost your marbles! Do something! Do anything! Just fix it! Fix it now!

Vega's face starts to crumble. Starts to take on "the look" and that other sad look at the same time.

Bonus.

Tori's still freaking out, begging me to recant. Begging me to make it up to Vega.

Tell her you're sorry, Jade. Tell her you love her. Tell her you love her so much that you were just trying to hurt her so she wouldn't feel comfortable around anyone else. Tell her you were wrong. Tell her you want her to be happy. Tell her you'd do anything. Tell her-

"Fuck you, Tori," I mumble stubbornly. And then I focus on Vega. I tell her that she can have her freaking break. But I also let her know that when we get back together, I'm gonna make sure that when I break up with her for good, not only will it be in front of the entire school, but I'll make sure everyone knows just how much of a lying slut she is.

"Jade." She sobs. That's all she says. One word; and it's my name. There was so much heartbreak in that one little word. So much sadness, betrayal, disbelief, hurt, pain…I can't believe I hurt her this bad. And for what? Because she doesn't love me the way I love her. Because she just wants to be my friend; not that that's an option now. Not after what I've done.

So I run. I run out of Vega's room, out of her house and into my car. I don't want to see her face. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I don't want to feel guilty.

But I do. I feel like complete and utter shit.

It's not until I'm at the front door to my house that I realize I left the brats.

Joy's gonna be pissed, and I can't even bring myself to give a flying fuck.

I hear Joy call me, but I ignore her. I run upstairs, slam my bedroom door shut, and I lock my door. I don't care if it's against the rules. I need privacy. I need time alone. What I don't need, however, is time alone coupled with silence…because then I can think. And I don't want to think.

I just want to act.

I want to destroy.

I snatch my favorite pair of scissors and pause. When me and Beck broke up, I cut up all the pictures of me and him. I cut them up into tiny pieces… but I don't have pictures of me and Vega together. We didn't take any.

We weren't a normal real couple. How could I forget that? There were signs. There were fucking signs everywhere. And I was always complaining about them, about how Vega always had to suddenly use the bathroom when things got hot and heavy between us; about how Vega was always putting everyone in front of me; about how Vega never seemed to want to be alone with me…the signs were there, right in my fucking face.

"Jade!" Joy yells.

I ignore her.

She tries the door, but it's locked. She can't get in.

I bet that must piss her off.

I walk over to my bed. I may not have pictures of me and Vega to cut up, but there are other things. Like my bed. Vega's slept on it so many times her side permanently smells like her.

Joy starts pounding on my door.

I stab at Vega's pillow. Cotton scraps bleed out of it molasses-dripping-slow.

"Jade!"

So I help it along. I grab the pillow and I start ripping and shredding it until it's in tiny pieces.

"Open the door! Jade!" Joy continues to pound.

It's giving me a headache. Can she leave me alone for one fucking second? Can't I just sit here in my room and spazz out all by my fucking lonesome!?

"Jade!" Joy starts screaming, pounding even louder. "Jade, you open this fucking door, right now!"

God, I hate her. I hate her so much.

I'm gonna punch her in her fucking face. Literally. I run up to my door, unlock it, and snatch it open. But I don't punch her. I just take one look at her; one look at all that worry, and concern, and love for me on that woman's face, and I freeze.

"Oh, honey." She whispers, like she's the one in pain.

And I can't help it. "Mom." I sob, before I start crying like a big baby.

What have I done? Why'd I do that to her? Why'd I hurt her like that? What's wrong with me? What's fucking wrong with me?

I've never realized how strong Joy is. She's got me in this hug, that's really, really, freaking tight. Like I can hardly breathe. But strangely enough, I need it. It's like she's keeping me together, because I just want to fall apart.

She always seems to know what I need.

I think I fell though. I'm just now realizing we're on the floor. That I'm practically sitting in her lap with my face pressed against her neck as she rocks me.

God it feels good, but I hate it at the same time. I don't want it. I don't deserve it.

"I love you, Jade" Joy whispers to me.

She shouldn't. There's nothing to love about me. All I've done is make her life hell. I've tortured her and her daughters. For years. She shouldn't love me. She shouldn't even like me. She should hate me.

"I love you, Jade." She repeats.

"Why?" I choke. "I'm a monster."

"You're my monster." She counters, before kissing the top of my head. Twice.

She wouldn't want to kiss me if she knew what I'd done. And I want her to know. I want to tell her what I did, and still hear her say she loves me.

So I do. I tell her.

She's quiet for a while. But she's still holding me. Maybe she's thinking of a nice way to tell me that she takes it back. That I really am an unlovable monster.

"You must love her a lot," she finally speaks, "to try and damage her psyche to the point where she would be no good to anyone."

She got that? I swear she understands me better than I understand myself sometimes.

She sighs. "I see a lot of groveling in your future if you want to try and get her back, Jade."

I pull my face out of her neck and look up at her.

"You gotta decide if it's worth it right now. You've got to decide right now that you won't give up on her." She whispers, not even looking at me. I get the feeling she's speaking from experience. I get the feeling she's speaking about me. "Because it's going to take a while for Tori to forgive you." She finishes.

"You think she'll forgive me at all?" I ask. I hate how vulnerable and hopeful my voice sounds, but I can't help it.

Joy looks down at me. Looks me straight in the eyes and simply says, "She loves you."

I shake my head. "No she doesn't."

She sighs again. "You're father really did a number on you."

"I do not have daddy issues!"

"And your mother"-

"You're my mother." I squeeze her tight. Please don't disclaim me, I silently beg.

She hugs me tighter. "That's right, baby. And your mother loves you very much."

I cling even tighter to her. She hasn't called any of us "baby" since Mercy died. And I finally say it back. I finally tell her that I love her too.

{~~~O~~~}

I don't want to be here, at school. Not since I royally fucked up and called my girlfriend a slut. Yes, I'm still calling her my girlfriend. We're on a break, we haven't broken up.

I don't expect her to be here, but she is.

She's been avoiding me all day. She won't even look at me, which I totally deserve. But it's really hard. I'm just so used to greeting my girlfriend with a kiss. I'm so used to her smiling at me, or grabbing my pinky, or giving me coffee when she thinks I'm cranky. And now, nothing. Not so much as a passing glance.

It takes Beck all the way until fourth period to figure it out I guess, because he pulls me to the side just before we enter Sikowitz's room.

"What's up with you and Tori?"

I scowl at him. He just wants her to himself. I know it. I think he's had a little crush on her ever since she licked his cheek. The goddamn freak.

"Are you guys broken up?" He presses when I don't answer.

"No! We're on a break." I say quickly. "We're getting back together."

"So while you guys are on this break, you're allowed to see other people, right?" He smiles at me.

"No." I glare at him.

"So you told Tori you wanted to take a break, but not see other people?" he smiles even more, but it's a bit on the disbelieving side.

"Vega asked for the break." I answer honestly.

Beck rolls his eyes. "I'm supposed to believe that?"

"I don't care what you believe. Just stay away from my girlfriend."

"You're girlfriend? You're on a break."

She's mine!" I growl. "And if you go near her I'll kill you."

"Jade, threaten your ex on your own time." Sikowitz suddenly joins us.

I roll my eyes and go inside, Beck following behind me.

I can't help it. I watch Vega the whole time Sikowitz is teaching. It's not like she'll catch me. She's been going out of her way to avoid eye contact with me all day.

Joy says I should apologize sincerely and humbly before giving her some space. Lots of space, but if I give her space, how will I ever get her to forgive me?

I sigh heavily and pull out my scissors. I don't get to cut anything before Sikowitz confiscates them. I glare at him, and out of the corner of my eye I catch Beck giving me these weird looks. And it's not just me; he's looking at Vega too. But he doesn't give her the same weird looks he's giving me. The looks he gives her are somewhat…hostile.

What the fuck is his problem?

"Dude!" I yell suddenly, getting everyone's attention but Vega's.

Beck blinks at me.

I glare at him. "Stop looking at her like that!"

He blinks at me again before looking down at his desk. And that's how he stays for the next forty or so minutes.

"Drive by acting exercise." Sikowitz announces five minutes before the bell rings. Class is nearly over, and he wants us to do more improv work? Seriously?

Everyone groans, but he continues to speak as if we hadn't made a sound. "This classroom's a bank. Robbie, Beck, you're bank robbers. André, Cat, Melissa, you're employees at the bank. And the rest of you are all innocent by standing customers. Action!"

Beck hops up immediately and points his fingers at us. "Everybody on the floor now!" He yells.

I guess that's supposed to be a gun.

Still. I don't give in to the impulse to roll my eyes at the absurdity of this exercise. I immediately lunge out of my seat, rush up to Vega, and pull her down to the ground.

"What the…" is all she can get out before I clap my hand over her mouth.

She squirms a little, but I put my mouth to her ear and shush her. "Easy, baby. Stay still. Don't draw attention to yourself and they won't hurt us. They just want the money."

Vega goes still.

Yes, my first action, as an innocent by standing customer of a bank that's currently being robbed, is to protect my girlfriend. I don't care if we are on a break.

I pull her closer to me, tucking her head beneath my arms. And kiss the top of her head reassuringly. "We're gonna be okay, Vega." I promise her.

She's lies beneath me, as still as any living person can possibly be. Meaning, the only movements she makes are the involuntary ones. The breathing, the heart beating, those kinds of movements.

I don't know how long this "break" of hers is gonna last, but I know I'm not ready for it. I like touching Vega, and I like it when she's touching me. Just going this morning with the whole not touching thing is making me feel restless and irritable and hurt. This shit actually literally hurts my chest. And I have a feeling that this is the closest I'm going to get to touching her for a long time. So I make it count.

I close my eyes and as cheesy as it sounds, I breathe her in, committing as much of her as I can to memory. Her smell, her warmth, the way her body feels so right against mine.

"I love you." I whisper. It just slips out.

Abruptly, Sikowitz starts making this weird siren sound. I'm guessing he's supposed to be the police.

"Shit!" Beck swears. "It's the cops."

No shit.

"Whaddo we do?" Robbie panics.

"We need to take a hostage." Is Becks immediate answer; and I know, I just know, he's gonna try to take me.

I hear him stomp over, his footsteps heavy and purposely loud so that I can hear him coming, so that I can know without a shadow of a doubt that's he's coming.

Fuck.

"Get up!" He shouts, pulling on my arm.

Fuck!

And before I can snatch my arm out of his grasp and stage punch him in the face, while slipping up and accidently hitting him for real, Vega lets out a panic-filled, "No! Don't take her."

Really?

"I'll go with you." She pleads, her voice quivering, and I frown at her. She sounds so scared. Not the acting kind. She sounds really scared. "Take me instead." She begs.

"That your girlfriend?" Beck sneers at me.

"Come on Beck." Robbie's yells from across the room. He's currently forcing André to get the money. "Just grab one of them and let's go!"

"Don't use my name!" Beck shouts back, then he turns back to me. "You know, my girlfriend left me for another girl."

Oh God.

"She looked a little like this pretty little thing here." He points at Vega.

My eyes widen. He's really about to go there. I start breathing heavy. I'm so pissed. My fists are balled at my side.

He turns his gaze on Vega. "You wanna save your girlfriend, sweetheart?"

Vega nods.

"Come here." He waves to her, using the gun to beckon her over.

Over my dead body!

"Vega, sit!" I command.

She doesn't listen to me.

She never fucking listens to me and this is the perfect time for her to fucking listen to me!

Next thing I know, she's in Becks arms. He's got her around the middle and now he's pointing the gun at her temple.

The gun at her temple. That makes me feel sick…but then, the way he's holding her. With his fucking pecker against her ass, I can only describe this feeling as rage. If he hurts her…if he fucking touches her…

"Ah, Ah. Sit." He commands of me, apparently noticing that I'm about to flip my shit.

I shake my head slowly, but menacingly. No, I won't fucking sit down.

"Sit!" He screams.

"Honey, just do what he says, please."

I blink and focus on Vega. She doesn't call me honey…ever. She calls me Mami. Well, she hasn't been doing it lately, but my point is, she's never called me any other term of endearment.

Then I remember. This is fake. And I start to feel a little stupid. Of course this is fake! Off to the left, Sikowitz is watching with rapt attention while enjoying his coconut. We're in a classroom, not the bank, And the gun Beck's using to threaten her with happens to be his fingers for crying out loud!

So why do I still feel this way…like I'm about to lose her? Why does it hurt? Why am I sweating?

"Please." Vega pleads with me once more.

I take a deep breath and do as I'm told. I sit down.

It's just acting, it's just acting. It's just acting….

I repeat that phrase to myself about a dozen times before I think up a line.

"Please, don't do this." I beg. Yes. I look Beck straight in the eyes and ask him to stop trying to hurt her…us.

"Please let her go." I plead, my voice cracking at the end.

Beck gives me a small smile.

"I don't think so." Then he's yanking on my girlfriend. "Let's go."

Vega turns around and looks at me. It's the first time her eyes have met mine all day. "I love you." She says and a tear runs down her face. And I know, I know, that wasn't acting. Something about the way she said it, or maybe the way she looked when she said it…it was just so genuine. Because I remember Vega's acting I love you's. The ones she said to Beck during the play about the narcoleptic astronaut, and then again with me when we were rehearsing for it. Though she got better at delivering that line, it was still more than obvious that that's exactly what it was. A line,

But that just now….that I love you….I understand now. That person I accused Vega of being in love with, the one I just knew she wanted to break up with me for…that person is me.

Vega loves me….

Joy was right.

So why the fuck did she want a break?

After class, I approach her, ready to demand an answer. Ready to know why she needs a break from me if she loves me. It just doesn't make any sense.

I touch her arm to get her attention, but she snatches back from me

"Don't." she snaps at me, face full of hurt, sadness, and anger. And then I remember what I did to her. I hurt her so bad, and for no reason. How could I ever get her to forgive me?

I don't get an answer.

I fucked up so bad that not even Tori will talk to me. How sick and pathetic is that?

{~~~(O)~~~}

Author's note: Sorry about the long wait. I got stuck on Jade's song. In fact, when I got to that part of the story, I was royally wazzed off. Seriously. I was like, "Shit! Now I have to write a fucking song! Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!" I think I might've even thumped my monitor. Then Tori (Yes, I have a Tori in my head too) was like, watch your language, Neasy. And since I'm not Jade, I didn't tell her to shut up…because I don't talk back to myself….because I'm not crazy….I'm not! Fine, maybe I am a little, but you can't tell anyone 'cause then they'll lock me up and you won't get any more updates…so there!

Anyway, if you think the song sucks, or that it's cheesy, or whatever, I'm right there with you. I don't even know the melody of it. I think it's like a cross of Lee Ann Womack's "I hope you dance" and Birdy's version of "Skinny love," or something. Don't judge me. I'm not a songwriter. I tried to make it short and simple so it wouldn't take long, but I still spent like a week on it. And if you're thinking that writing a song's no big deal because it's just like writing a poem, then I wanna let you in on a little secret. I suck at writing poems too;)