"Last time on the Ridonculous Race, things got to a whole new level of heated. After managing to survive their shocking un-gothing by the climate of their motherland of Finland, the Goths found the source of all of the Ice Dancer's bad luck in the form of Josee's unlucky Hawaiian lava rock. Rock was surprised when his bud Spud surprisingly rocked the two of them into first place, and to save Geoff and DJ from getting eliminated Jen kissed Mickey into a coma and the Adversity Twins in general into last place and out of the race. Where will we go next, who will suffer the most and end up hating it the most as a result? The only way to find out is to watch right here and right now on… the Ridonculous Race!"
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Don stood by the Chill Zone in Finland from the day before "Welcome back to the Chill Zone in Finland where the triumphant and very surprising winners of yesterday's race, the Rockers, are ready to receive the first travel tip of the day."
"Oh man it's super heavy man." Rock muttered "I still can't believe it, we're actually in first place!"
Spud blinked "We're in first place? Alright, we're killing it! Woo hoo!"
"Yeah man!" they high fived, did some air guitar and he picked up the tip "Alright enough goofing around for now, we've gotta head to Helsinki airport and catch the next flight to Zimbabwe."
"Zimbab-wha?"
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"Our next location is in southwestern Africa, Zimbabwe is the home to stunning flora, exotic fauna and majestic scenery. Once the teams land they have to drive all the way to Victoria Falls, which is nearly twice the height of Niagara Falls. Yeah you heard me right North America, your waterfalls are getting owned Deadpool style!"
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"Taxi!" Kevin blew on a silver whistle and ushered Gwen inside before they took off towards the airport.
Gwen looked over at him and raised an eyebrow "Where the heck did you get a lifeguard whistle, and more importantly where the heck have you been keeping it?"
"I'll answer that in reverse order, I've been keeping it tucked in my shirt. I mean come on, not even I'm that messed up. As for where I got it, it was a gift from my cousin. You actually know her."
"I do?" she studied him for a moment "Wait a second, blonde hair, greenish eyes… holy crap are you related to Bridgette?"
"She's my cousin, I was honestly wondering how long it was gonna take you to notice the similarities."
"Why the heck didn't you say anything before?"
"You didn't ask."
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"All 10 teams have hit the Don Box and are at the airport waiting for the flight that they booked to Zimbabwe."
Junior found his airport pass ripped out of his hand by Dwayne "Ow, papercut."
"Hey sorry about that sporto but holding onto the important stuff is the job for a dad and other adults." Dwayne told him.
"Come on dad, I can holy my own ticket-"
"Yeah I know you can, I'm just not sure if you should. Now when you're a dad you can hold as much stuff as you want but for now let's go find you a bandage and a lollipop."
"Dad it's just a papercut, I'm fine."
"So fine that a lollipop wouldn't help?"
"Dad I'm not a little kid anymore, candy isn't going to work on me."
"How about a balloon then?"
"Oh come on dad!"
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Josee and Jacques on the other hand were having problems with the ticket guy, mostly Josee in particular though "Why is this so hard for you to understand?! Look we need to get on the next flight to Hawaii and we only want to be there for like 10 minutes, and then we need to fly from Hawaii to Zimbabwe."
"But it-it making no sense!" the ticket guy stammered.
"Okay fine whatever, we making no sense. Now stuff the opinion talk and give us our tickets already!"
"Y-Yes ma'am!"
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"Jacques is mad at me." explained Josee.
"I am and I would like an apology." Jacques told her.
"Oh please, give me one good reason why I should apologize. I mean it's not like I knew the rock was bad luck when I took it from the island!"
"...Apology accepted."
"Thank you."
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"Jacques and Josee are off on a detour towards Hawaii as the other 9 teams are headed on the same flight for Africa, once they land they must drive one of the provided jeeps towards their next destination and one by one they pick one and are on the road."
"Rock and roll!" Rock and Spud hopped in a jeep and took off which quickly secured them an early lead as he read the tip "Alright we've gotta head over to Victoria Falls where the Zambezi River borders over Zambia and Zimbabwe, if we take the Mozio Tunia then we're gonna be golden! Go ahead and gun it dude, I wanna stay in first place!"
Spud blinked "We're in first place? Alright we're killing it!"
"Yeah man!" they high fived.
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Other teams were making their way towards Victoria Falls as well.
Carrie looked over towards Devin "Okay so I'll drive the jeep and you focus on directions okay?"
Devin then proceeded to do a crappy Tarzan impression "Me Devin and you Carrie." and cue the Tarzan style scream.
Carrie giggled "So adorbs."
"What was that?"
"Oh nothing, but go us." and they cheered.
"And the Fashion Bloggers."
"Yeah them too."
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At the same time Dwayne and Junior were driving towards the fall in their own jeep "Africa, you know I've always wanted to go on a Safari myself."
Junior nodded "Yeah I know, this is seriously cool. I just want to get up and see-"
"Not so fast young man, you stay on that keister where you belong. Seats are for sitting not for standing while we're driving."
"Oh for crying out loud dad, will you stop treating me like I'm a little kid? I'm practically a man as it is, check out my chest hair!"
"Where?"
"Right there, I mean it's blonde so it's kind of hard to see in daylight."
"Yeah sure."
"It's there, trust me!" he looked away.
"Kids."
"I am not a kid!"
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DJ and Geoff on the other hand had another issue to deal with "Oh come on man, you can't just be done with Jen after everything you guys have been through in this race."
Geoff rubbed the back of his hat and let out a sigh "Look bro I told you, if she liked me then she would've said something. Besides we almost lost the last round because of me, I'm willing to give up the race for her but not if it means screwing you over too. For now we focus on the race and that's it, blocking out any Jen related distractions." that got a rise out of DJ.
"You said Jen. You still like her dude, there's no way that you moved on."
"What are you, there's no way that I said that!"
"Sure you didn't."
"I didn't!"
"Uh huh."
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By this point Rock and Spud were the first team to reach the Don Box "Alright rock and roll, we're still in first place!"
Spud blinked "We're in first place? Alright we're killing it!"
"Yeah we are!" Rock grabbed a tip from the Don Box wearing a life jacket "It says we're going on a selfie safari!"
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"For this all in challenge each team must take the waterproof camera stowed away in the glove compartment of their jeep and then get into a raft and ride over the falls while taking a selfie as epic as they can. But just a fair warning, if they miss the shot then it's a long climb back up to the top of the falls to try again. After they complete this challenge successfully teams must float down river in their raft to the Zambezi National Park, home of the elusive white rhino where they'll have to take a selfie with the rhino. Once teams have both of their selfies it's a foot race to today's Chill Zone where I'll inspect their photos. Like always, the last team to arrive could be headed home.
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By this point the Rockers, Best Friends, Fashion Bloggers, Artists and Father & Son had all collected their tips and their rafts, and some were more enthusiastic than others.
"Woah man, this is so cool." Junior muttered.
Dwayne nodded "Yeah but you don't have to worry, you'll be safe with me son. All we need to do this are a couple of crash test dummies that look exactly like us and can take selfies going over a waterfall." this was met with groans from everyone present "What?"
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"While the teams tied for first place are considering their options so to speak, the Ice Dancers in last place (god it feels so good to say that) are stuck between a lava rock and a VERY faraway place."
Sure enough, Jacques and Josee had finally reached the beach on Hawaii "Okay so is this where you found the rock?"
"Yeah I think so, let's just toss it and get out of here." Josee prepared to toss it.
"Hold on a second, you can't just dump it out like trash! We need some kind of ceremony as an offering."
"Oh for- fine, let's just get this over with."
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10 minutes later…
After performing a dance as an offering Josee heard the volcano rumble and let out a cough of black smoke "Look it's a sign, that means we've been forgiven! Back to the airport, the gold isn't going to win itself!" and so they took off.
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Rock and Spud were still in the lead as they started the waterfall challenge "It's okay man, this is just like that time we ride the gigantic roller coaster 6 times in a row and then we started puking like a bunch of freaks, but this time we haven't been chowing down on on the funnel cakes and banquet burgers so it should be easy."
Spud nodded "Yeah no kidding, or at least it won't be as messy. I mean what with the puking and all."
"Yeah I know, that's what I just said."
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Dwayne was constantly tightening Junior's life vest "Okay so how about just a little bit tighter eh?"
"For crying out loud it's fine, just stop and let me do it!" Junior looked over as Rock and Spud went over the waterfall, Spud being chill and Rock being terrified.
"...Hold that thought, let's just get a few more life jackets on you. That'll be better for you now won't it?"
"Dad for crying out loud, will you stop- Ow you're pinching my spine!"
"I just want you to be safe, is that so wrong?" he received several muffled protests as they went over the falls and fell out as Junior took the picture.
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"As more and more teams face their fears by going over Victoria Falls, our last place team is in fear of getting eliminated and falling off of the face of television."
Josee stormed her way up to the cockpit to confront the pilot "You need to fly this thing faster!"
"Hey you're not allowed up here!" the pilot barked.
"Oh please, do you have any idea who I am?"
"Aren't you one of those figure skaters that lost the gold at the olympics?"
"...Just fly faster!"
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One by one the teams completed the first challenge, in the order of the Artists, the Sisters, the Bromigos.
Rock on the other hand was searching frantically for Spud at the bottom of the waterfall "Spud are you there? Come on dude give me a sign!"
Sure enough, Spud rose up from beneath the water with a rock and roll sign as he hopped into the raft "What a trip, we killed that!"
"Junior, Junior where are you?" that was when Dwayne sawm up to them "Hey sorry to bother you guys but have you seen my son?"
"I don't know, maybe he's over there." Rock pointed in a random direction, which just so happened to be where a lion was sitting "Or maybe he went past the possibly vegetarian lion and went onto find a rhino without you."
"...JUNIOR!"
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"By this point most of the teams have now made or are now making their epic leap over epic Victoria Falls."
"CANNONBALL!" Owen did a cannonball into the raft, launching Noah into the air "Oh my god Noah, are you okay?"
With a mighty thud, Noah landed back in the raft right where he had once sat "Ow. You know we've gone over this before, you're not as light as me or Emma."
"Which reminds me, aren't we gonna wait for Emma and Kitty?"
"Yeah we talked about that and after Geoff made such an ass out of himself over Jen last night we decided that we needed some time apart before that happened to either of us. I don't want to end up like a love struck puppy falling for the first tree that he sees."
"Oh. Well speaking of falls…" they went over the falls and started screaming as they took the picture.
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Jen on the other hand let out a groan of frustration "First we deal with an insanely high skywalk, parachuting into a donut hole which can have a few different meanings, and now a dangerously high waterfall selfie challenge! It's like they're trying to give me a heart attack or something, at this point I should sue them."
Tom nodded "And even if it's not that they're all of the dry clean only clothes that we have to replace because of these insane challenges."
"Oh my god don't even get me started on that."
"Too late, I got started on it first. Which reminds me, what have we got to put on the blog when we get home?"
"Let's see here… Moroccan carpet, french bureaus, Brazilian costumes from that one challenge, grass skirts from Hawaii, gold bath robes from that one guy in Dubai, those super goth outfits that the goths gave us before they quit yesterday, and of course the fezes."
"Just checking."
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Dwayne was climbing his way back up the waterfall, his mind in one place "The Rockers are completely insane, there is no way that lion ate junior. My son is fine and dandy, the family rule is that if you get separated then you go back to the last place that you saw each other so I'm gonna go back up to the top of the waterfall. He'll be up there waiting for me to find him, I'm sure he will." he wouldn't be.
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Junior was floating downstream in his raft until he felt something bump into it "I was wondering when you were going to catch up-" he paused when he realized it was the Stepbrothers "Oh, uh hey there guys."
"Hey what's up little man, where's your dad?" asked Lorenzo, his and Chet's back to each other like always.
"We got separated when we went over the falls and the family rule is that if you get separated then you should go to your destination. Do you guys mind if I tag along with you?"
"Oh trust me kid, this is one boat that you don't wanna get in. Chet might hit you with an oar and shove you off a cliff!"
Chet let out a scoff "Are you still whining about that? Will you quit whining and get over it already?"
"My back is still red you dipstick!"
"Better than your face asshat!"
"Wait, so then how did you guys manage to get a picture?" asked Junior.
"Oh I took it while he was in the water."
"Huh. That's impressive."
"Ha, you hear that? Impressive!"
"He doesn't know any better, he's just a kid!" Lorenzo barked.
"And?"
"And I've already got a chest hair for the record." Junior pointed out.
"Which makes him way more of a man than you already!"
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"While most of the other teams have already started on the rhino selfie challenge, our last place Ice Dancers have finally landed in Africa."
"Out of our way sky waitress!" Josee shoved a flight attendant out of the way "We have a race to win!"
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Junior dragged his raft out of the river and made his way over to where the Stepbrothers were busy beating the crap out of each other "So hey guys listen, I really appreciate you sticking with me and for the lift."
They kept punching each other.
"But I should really go and find my dad, plus I've gotta pee anyway. And since you guys are clearly not listening so I'm just gonna go. Good luck. With everything." and so he took off, leaving the Stepbrothers to beat the crap out of each other "Oh yeah, those two are so gonna lose next."
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By this point the teams had started looking for their white rhinos for the second challenge, but only one team was getting anywhere.
"Hey check it out." Noah pointed to a white rhino nearby.
"Oh just hang on, you take the picture while I get the selfie with it." Owen handed him the camera and walked off.
"What are you doing? You can't just walk up to that thing, it's a giant! It will kill you and use you as a bean bag chair and no dog trick in my arsenal is enough to stop that thing!"
"Don't worry, I've been working on something in secret for the past few months that could crank my scale all the way up to level 15." so he went up to the rhino and farted in its face, killing all of the grass in the surrounding area and causing the rhino to pass out.
"Wow, just… wow."
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"Yeah!" Owen pumped a fist "How's that for the Owen stink scale now?"
"Let's see here…" Noah checked it out on a calculator "Still only a 13.7."
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Carrie stopped Devin and the Fashion Bloggers when she noticed something rustling in some nearby bushes "Wait guys take a look."
"Alright then." Devin and Tom readied their cameras "1… 2… 3!" the two of them charged into the bushes, only for a yelp to be heard.
Carrie and Jen shared a look and rushed over to find Junior being tackled by Tom and Devin in a heap. "Oh. Hey, you guys alright?"
"Just dandy." Junior muttered "I mean if I had known that I was gonna get tackled while I was peeing in a bush in Africa then I would've held it in until I got to the Chill Zone." he was promptly held up by.
"Are you sure you're okay?" asked Carrie
"Oh yeah, I'm fine." he lowered his voice in an attempt to sound manly.
"So where's your dad?" asked Jen.
"We got separated going over the waterfall, no biggie."
Carrie let out a horrified gasp "You mean you're out here all alone?"
"Well I was with the Stepbrothers at first but you can imagine how that train wreck went, so I ditched them. Anyway check these out." he noticed some rhino tracks "These must be rhino tracks, we can follow them and bag a rhino selfie for all three of our teams."
"Wow, good eye Junior."
"Yeah well most men probably wouldn't have caught that, so it's a really lucky thing that I was here isn't it?"
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Kevin and Gwen stopped running and ducked into a bush as an angry rhino passed them at full speed "Oh thank god, I think we lost it."
"Yeah I know, good thing too." Gwen suddenly smacked Kevin upside the head "I told you that poking it in the buttcrac with a stick was a horrible idea!"
"Oh trust me, I've learned that one the hard way."
Gwen looked up and found Rock and Spud hiding in a nearby bush "You guys having trouble too?"
"Nah we already got our pictures, we followed a rhino by their musk. See my mom is a zoologist so I know a lot about these things."
"...Cool. Bye." and they left, with the Rockers right behind him.
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Owen, for one reason or another, was trying to give CPR to the rhino "Okay so it's still breathing and we've got the selfie."
"Good, now let's make a break for the Chill Zone." Noah told him and they took off towards the Chill Zone.
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"As he first few or so teams finish the second challenge and start to make their way towards the Chill Zone, our team in last place is finally on their way towards starting the first challenge."
Jacques let out a shriek "Josee stop, I can see someone on the road!"
"Oh for god's sake!" Josee slammed on the brakes.
As it turns out it was Dwayne using his shirt like a hat "Oh god where's my son, have you seen my son?"
"Nope haven't seen him so GET OUT OF THE WAY!" she started honking the horn.
"Oh god I lost Junior, he's gone!"
"Oh yeah wow your wife is going to kill you."
"Yeah I know but I deserve it, what is the number one rule of parenting?"
"That you can't let your child ruin whatever chance you have of winning a gold medal?"
"Yes- Wait what no! Don't let your kid get eaten by a lion while you're stuck in a raft going over a ridiculously high waterfall!"
"That seems rather specific all things considered." Jacques pointed out.
"Who cares about a stupid gold medal?" this was met with gasps of pure horror.
"...Okay Josee you can run him over now."
"Good." so Josee slammed on the gas, forcing Dwayne out of the way as they took off for the waterfall.
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"Come on there's the Chill Zone, I can see it from here!" Noah and Owen ran full speed towards the Chill Zone, only to notice Geoff and DJ.
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Tom and Devin held up their cameras while Carrie and Jen posed for the pictures "Okay ladies, show me some style. That's right, work it." they took the pictures "Alright Junior, you're up little man."
"Gotcha." Junior handed his camera to Carrie and took her place next to the rhino.
"Okay, say cheese." Carrie told him.
Junior kissed the side of the rhino's head as the camera flashed "Got it."
"Good now hurry, let's get moving!" and so the five of them all took off.
Junior looked up at Devin "Hey you know when I kissed the rhino I pretended that it was actually Carrie."
"Well that's… not weird at all." Devin muttered.
"Okay be real with me for a second one man to another, if I tried and asked her out then would you be mad?"
"What? No Carrie and I are just friends but she doesn't date younger guys anyway so…"
"Aw man really? Well that's just great."
"Sorry buddy but hey, give it a few years or so. You never know, she might change her mind."
"You think so?"
"Maybe."
"Sweet."
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Don was waiting at the Chill Zone when the Reality TV Pros and the Bromigos arrived and crashed into each other in a heap and he checked out their pictures "Looks like the pictures check out, first place goes to the Reality TV Pros and second place to the Bromigos." he received a various weak cheers and checked out one of the pictures again "Hey Geoff one question, how do you keep your hat on while plunging over the world's highest falls?" he received a huge grin from Geoff.
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"You can thank good old white stallion glue for that." Geoff pulled a glue bottle out from within his shirt "It'll hold, it'll mold, it won't cost you gold."
"You said that the hat had some kind of sticky pad on the bottom of it." DJ pointed out.
"Yeah but that was for the cameras, I can't have them knowing everything about me."
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Don counted off the Rockers as they arrived at the Chill Zone "Rockers you're in third place, loving the comeback by the way. Keep up the good work."
"Yeah man, this calls for a victory rift!" and they started doing air guitar like a couple of jackasses.
"Victory rift over there, we've got more teams coming in." he counted off the Fashion Bloggers and the Best Friends as they arrived "Tom and Jen you're in fourth place, Carrie and Devin are in fifth." he stopped Junior from handing his in "Junior I'm sorry, but both team members have to be present before you can be counted."
"Wait, so you mean that my dad isn't here?" asked Junior "Oh boy."
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"JUNIOR!" as it turns out Dwayne was still searching for Junior with his shirt off, only to end up being chased by a pissed off rhino.
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Don counted off the Artists, the Sisters and the Stepbrothers as they arrived at the Chill Zone with their selfies "6th place to the Artists, 7th to the Goths 8th to the Sisters and 9th to the Stepbrothers. 8 teams are down and only two teams are left, well a team and a half anyway."
"Come on dad, where the heck are you?" Junior muttered.
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As it turns out, Dwayne was still being chased by the angry rhino just as the Ice Dancers were taking their selfie with a rhino, and he stopped when he thought he lost the rhino "Oh thank god, it's gone." he heard a rustling in some bushes "Junior is that you?" it turned out to be the same angry rhino "Oh god you're not Junior!" and he took off running again.
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"There!" now that they've completed the second challenge, Josee and Jacques were making a mad dash for the Chill Zone "I can see the Chill Zone, we're going to make it!"
"HELP!" it turns out that Dwayne was catching up to them unwillingly, due to being carried on the horn of the rhino that was chasing him.
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Junior let out a sad sigh "Well here come the Ice Dancers, I guess that means that dad and I are done for."
"Maybe not, look!" Carrie pointed ahead.
"What do you- Is that my dad?"
"HELP!" sure enough, Dwayne and his rhino passed, or I should say ran over, the Ice Dancers and left them in a heap.
"I hate rhinos." Josee muttered.
However, the rhino heard this and flung Dwayne off of his horn and started chasing them instead, causing them to run away screaming.
"I love rhinos, I love rhinos! Get the hell away from us!"
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Dwayne hit the ground on the Carpet of Completion with a very loud thud "Ow…"
Junior cringed as he looked down at him "Dad are you okay?"
"Junior? Oh thank god!" and they hugged, very tightly for the most part "Oh man I'm so happy to see you! Look I'm sorry we didn't finish the challenge pal but I couldn't take any of the pictures, just had to find you."
"Dad… who says we didn't finish?"
Sure enough, Don took their camera and confirmed their ranking "10th place!"
"HELP!" Jacques and Josee were still running screaming from the rhino "RHINOS ARE MY FRIENDS!"
Dwayne went back to choke hugging Junior "I am so proud of you son, now all we have to do is make sure that your mother never sees this episode. EVER."
"We'll talk about that after you put your shirt back on." Junior told him.
"...Oh yeah I forgot about that." and they walked off.
This was when Josee and Jacques came back over and tossed their camera to Don "And stay down!"
Don took this moment to address them "Jacques and Josee…"
"Don't say it, we already know." Jacques told him "10th place, last place, eliminated. We just want our fans and our country to know that we tried our very best and that we wish-"
"Good news, this is a non elimination round. You guys are still in the race."
"YES!" Josee let out a shrieking cheer at this "Our luck has changed, now we're back and we're stronger than ever! Now nothing will stop us on our quest for the gold, and we'll crush all of those other teams and anyone who gets in our way." and she let out an evil laugh.
"...Well that's all kinds of creepy." Don muttered "But the question remains, can these two creep their way back up to the podium? Find out next time right here on… the Ridonculous Race!"
A/N:
I decided to put the Reality TV Pros in first place because I thought they deserved at least one win, especially since they never got higher than second place in canon. I also decided to make it a goal of keeping the Rockers in the top 5 or so from here on out.
The idea of Kevin being Bridgette's cousin was something that I came up with a while ago, it just became one of those "What the hell, why not" sort of ideas.
With the Daters not competing in this fic, I figured why not have Junior come across the Stepbrothers since they literally next to nothing noteworthy in this episode in canon. Plus watching them beat the crap out of each other is pretty amusing. Some of the time.
Rankings:
Reality TV Pros: 1st
Bromigos: 2nd
Rockers: 3rd
Fashion Bloggers: 4th
Best Friends: 5th
Artists: 6th
Goths: 7th
Sisters: 8th
Stepbrothers: 9th
Father & Son: 10th
Ice Dancers: 11th
Elimination:
Adversity Twins: 12th
Mother & Daughter: 13th
Ultimate Duo: 14th
Vegans: 15th
Geniuses: 16th
Tennis Rivals: 17th
LARPers: 18th