AUTHOR'S NOTE: Happy holidays - This story has never been far from my brain. Those who are still reading have the patience of saints. There is at least one more chapter before it ends and I'm gonna try and finish it up before 2019 hits.
***7***
HE DIDN'T stay on that first visit home. His nerves had been completely shot facing Hannah, and the idea of his younger brothers and all their anger seemed far too much for him to manage. Brian helped Adam get the ribs in the smoker and then called for his ride. He couldn't manage much else.
"You come back home to us, just as soon as you get the chance." Hannah had said, hugging him.
"Yes ma'am." He told her, trying not to reveal that even this kindness left him teary. "You take care of yourself, Mrs. McFadden."
"Bri! Bri!" Katy reached up to him with outstretched arms, and he bent to lift his niece. "I'll be back soon, Katy Bug." He said kissing her soft cheek before passing her over to her father.
"You sure you won't stay?" Adam asked him again.
"Nah, brother." Brian said. "I've learned to understand my limits. This is it." He nodded at Hannah. "I need some time to process all this . . ." He hesitated, unable to continue at first. "All this undeserved kindness."
The whole ride back to Brighter Futures he was silent. He found himself lost in thought remembering not just the warmth of his sister and brother's embrace, but all the kindness he'd missed or overlooked. After all the weeks of struggle and anger, it felt so good to think about all the good things that continued to be a part of his life. When he got back to his room he fell asleep almost immediately and for the first time in a very long time, he slept the whole night through.
It was nearly three weeks later that he finally, finally found himself back at the ranch. He had already faced both Daniel and Evan - both brothers away from home at the time. He'd met up with Evan on the rodeo circuit, and had braced himself for an anger-fueled battle, but Evan had been surprisingly receptive.
"Me and Hannah have talked a lot." Evan shrugged his shoulders. "Well, mostly, she talked. I ain't one for talking."
"That's true." Brian agreed. "You never have been, but you also feel things really deeply."
"I do." Evan considered his older brother thoughtfully. "If you had come to me right after, I would've knocked you back on your ass. That baby girl is . . . well, I love her like nothing else, but Hannah pointed out that you love Katy just as much as me." He met his older brother's eyes. "It would break my heart to pieces if I let something get between me, and how I feel about her. Your drinking did that to you."
"It was still me." Brian wasn't ready to absolve himself completely. "I still left her. I understand Hannah's compassion, but it doesn't change the fact that I left her anything could've happened. Some might say it was a wake-up call for me, but that don't make it right. I'm still responsible."
"Yeah, and I guess you have to carry that with you." Evan responded. "But we all carry things with us. Me, I gotta walk through life knowing that you and Adam changed your entire lives for me."
"Nah, man. You don't have to do that." Brian was surprised by this honest confession from his usual taciturn brother.
"You can say that to me, just like Hannah can say she forgives you, but we still carry it." Evan explained, and it was something that stayed with Brian for a long time after. The truth was that Evan was right. He would carry the knowledge that he'd nearly cost his beloved baby niece her life, and it wasn't something that could be set aside or forgotten. It was part of him, and as much as he and Adam had tried to show their brothers that they accepted their fates as heads of household, their younger brothers would carry that sacrifice with them for all time. He'd discussed with his therapist at his next session.
"The truth is we are all carrying things with us." His therapist had responded. "So much of our life is trying to find the best way to live with them. Do you think you can live with it?"
"I dunno." Brian considered. "I don't really have a choice, do I? And while what happened with Katy was horrible, it certainly isn't the only bad thing I did because of alcohol. I can write a long list of things I done wrong and people I hurt."
Daniel had been a bit more difficult. He had expected this, of course. In their whole lives together, nothing had been tougher than his relationship with Daniel. He had been wholly unable to help him with his grief when he was young. Unlike Adam, who had somehow managed to find the patience to deal with Daniel's seemingly unending rages, Brian had lost his temper again and again. "Enough!" He had shouted at his little brother more than once. "Just shut up!"
"'Bout damn time you showed up," was Daniel's greeting.
"Yeah." Brian responded. He'd met up with Daniel who had just gone on the road as a guitarist with Tommy Noma. "You are right."
"They let you out? You didn't bail on rehab, did you?"
"No, man." Brian sighed. "Rehab's been real tough, but it has been real good, too."
"Great for you." Daniel's response was biter.
"Look, man, I can't ever make up for what I've done, but I want you to know I understand the gravity of it. I understand the wrong I've done. And I'm gonna be spending my days making amends."
"That's between you and Hannah and Adam. It hasn't got anything to do with me." Daniel turned his face away.
"No. I'm not just talking about Katy. I'm talking about so many things." Here Daniel turned to look at him surprised. "I let you down a couple thousand times, and hurt you, too. My drinking is no excuse. And I . . ."
"Geez." Daniel interrupted. "What kind of place they got you at? You weren't that bad. Hell, we didn't even really think of you as a drunk until those last few months. You just liked to let off steam and . . ."
"Stop covering for me, little brother." Brian shook his head. "You boys - you are always making excuses. Is it guilt? I thought we did a better job of making things clear. Adam, and me, we had choices. We wanted to stay with you boys, and none of it - Mom and Daddy getting killed, us raising you boys, has nothing to do with me drinking. I made choices, and many of them were wrong, and I'm standing here because I need to make amends for that wrong. I wronged Katy. I wronged Hannah. I wronged Adam, but I wronged you, too."
"Man, okay." Daniel swallowed hard. "Look, I thought it would make me feel better if you ever did say sorry, but brother, this ain't necessary. We've talked about you a lot back home - you better believe Mrs. McFadden has got every brother 'sharing their feelings' about the situation. I understand it. It was a bad time for all of us, but winters always end. The sun always comes back up."
IN THE END, those first two conversations left him emotionally drained, again. Yet, he knew his conversation with his youngest brothers would be equally difficult. He was pretty terrified of facing Guthrie again. It was painful to be clear-headed enough to see the damage he'd done.
He was unsurprised when Hannah opened the door to him, a grin on her face.
"It's about time, you showed up here!" She kissed his cheek and hugged him as best she could despite her growing stomach. Katy who was clinging to her legs, clapped her hands together and said, "Bri!"
He reached down lifting her up and hugging her tight. "Little Miss! Are you being good for your Mama?"
"Mama." Katy said pointing at Hannah. "Baby."
"That's right, kiddo. We've got another McFadden just about to arrive." He turned to Hannah. "How you feeling?"
"Big as a house, and fairly uncomfortable." She told him. "And gloriously happy. I was thinking this one would be in grade school before you ever showed up back here again."
"Well, I had to wander the wide world to catch up with Evan and Daniel."
"How about our famous brothers?" She asked him.
"Adam must be fit to be tied with Daniel making such a quick an easy go of things."
"It sort of makes it seem like all his worries were a waste of time." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Then again, worrying is generally a waste of time, wouldn't you agree?"
"You ought to know." He shrugged his shoulders. "You of all people know, the McFadden boys can be an intimidating group."
"True that." She said, sighing and rubbing her stomach absently. "I'm glad you are home with us, nevertheless. How long can you stay?"
"I've earned myself a two day pass." He raised an eyebrow. "But we'll see how things go."
"Everything will be fine." She reassured him.
"The boys home?" He asked nervously.
"Yep. They are out in the barn." She smiled at him. "Adam and Crane went into town, so you at least have to stay until supper."
"I'm not real sure." He responded nervously. "What odds you got?"
"Brian, those boys love you. They are just waiting for you to talk to them. You are their brother, and brothers always forgive." She smiled up at him.
HE FOUND THEM in the barn mucking out the stables, and he recognized that facing them while armed with pitchforks was probably less than ideal.
"Hey, boys," He began, and they turned to face him wide-eyed and stunned.
"Brian!" Guthrie spun on him, his voice tinged with anger. "No one told us you were coming home."
"No one knew." He explained. "I've been fretting over coming here to face you two."
"You talked to everyone else, already." Ford said bitterly. "They told us."
"It seemed like the only way to do any of you justice was to meet you one or two at a time. If I faced you all together, how could I really talk to you, you know?" He shrugged. "I've done a ton of things wrong, and maybe this is just one more of them. I just wanted to face you eye-to-eye, so that I could apologize. And I do apologize. I acted really badly to Adam, and Hannah - and to Katy, but I acted badly to the both of you, too."
"We've talked about that day." Ford told him. "All of the family - we talked about it a lot."
"Me and Ford cleaned up the high chair. Did you know that?" Guthrie asked. "We scrubbed and scrubbed it. The peaches were stuck to it like plaster."
"We didn't want Hannah to see it." Ford added. "I think about it a lot. I hate even the smell of peaches now."
"Yeah," Brian said softly. "That's on me. You boys, I'm really sorry. That day was just one part of me not taking responsibility for my own life. And I know any promises I make will just seem empty to you - especially to you, Guth because you've heard it before, but I am working really hard to do things differently - I'm working hard to be the kind of man you can count on. The kind of man you can be proud of - the kind of mind that I can be proud of."
They studied him with wide eyes that were filled with equal parts hope and doubt, and it hurt him to think he'd been the one to put the doubt there. Sighing he told them, "Time will tell, fellas. You don't have to take my word for anything. Time will always out a man."
"I'm glad you are home." Guthrie said shyly. "We did miss you." He took a small step closer to Brian, and it gave Brian the bravery he needed to reach out and embrace his youngest brother.
"I swear, Guth. I am sorry and I am gonna work hard to be a better man." He pulled Ford into his embrace. "I am truly sorry to you, Ford."
He had expected to spend hours going over every mistake he'd ever made, but he'd forgotten who quickly his youngest brothers moved from one idea to the next. He had come home, he had apologized, and they were ready to eat. The three of them had just stepped out of the barn and were headed to the house, when they saw Katy standing in the yard. She was alone.
All his good feelings fell away, and his blood turned to ice. Hannah would never leave Katy outside alone and unsupervised. He ran to her, sliding to his knees in front of her.
"Where's Mama?" He asked.
"Mama sleep." Katy said.
"Where?" He asked frantically. "Where Mama sleep?"
Katy pointed her finger toward the house, and Brian looked up at Guthrie who stood to his left, lifting Katy up and passing her to Guthrie. "Stay here, boys. You keep a watch over Katy."
He ran toward the house, his foot sliding on the second step of the porch, so that he nearly fell. She wasn't in the front room or in the dining room, but as he swung open the kitchen door, he could see her lying on the kitchen floor.