"Last time on the Ridonculous Race: There are plenty of fish in the sea, but none of them were as ugly as the ones we saw last week in Vietnam. Devin's eye problems gave his team a real disadvantage, but it actually worked out for them in the most grotesque way that we could allow on television. A temporary three way alliance tied the Axis of Semi Evil, those being the Ice Dancers, the Bromigos and the Artists for first place, while the other three team alliance, those being the Best Friends, the Fashion Bloggers and Goths, was forced to head underground. In the end we had to say goodbye to the Fashion Bloggers, I will never be able to look at a fez the same way again. Anyway hopefully this week I get to kick off a team that I don't like. You'd better stick around, the time has come for more of… the Ridonculous Race!"
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Like always, Don stood at the Chill Zone from the day before, now equipped with a Don Box for the race ahead "Welcome back to Vietnam, the Chill Zone from yesterday and the starting line for today. Only five teams remain in our race around the world for one million dollars and our teams in the Axis of Corruption have the advantage in numbers and in order of receiving their tips." he looked to see the Ice Dancers, the Artists and DJ waiting at the Don Box "Only one of them is missing." this was followed by wails of sorrow in the distance.
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"Let me just say for the record that this alliance is not us being buddy buddy with the Ice Dancers now." explained Gwen "All we're doing is begrudgingly agreeing to put up with people that we hate."
Kevin nodded "Yeah you got that right, like the fact that Cody helped you hook up with Trent back in season 1 only for him to get mauled by a bear in return."
"Don't remind me, he still has the scars on his butt."
"Is that so?" Kevin's shit eating grin widened "And you would know that how?"
"Are you trying to get me to admit to that on international TV?"
"Yep."
"...I hate you."
"I bask in your hate."
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Josee opened up another confessional, her expression increasingly smug "If I get a chance to eliminate the Bromigos or those worthless freaky Goths then we'll take it, and now that the Fashion Bloggers are gone the Best Friends are all on their own so everything will probably just blow up in their faces."
"So what about the Artists?" asked Jacques "At least they didn't back out on the Axis of Corruption alliance like the Bromigos did."
"Does it look like I care? Those two are even worse than the Goths, as far as I'm concerned if we get the chance to eliminate them then we make it look like an accident. Oh what just happened, how did she end up so disfigured? Oh wait, that's the face of defeat!" she started cackling in a maniacal way.
"...Oh joy."
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DJ cringed as he listened to Geoff wailing in the distance "Yeah Geoff has been having a pretty rough time accepting the fact that the Fashion Bloggers, poor guy doesn't handle these things very well."
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Sure enough, Geoff was standing in the middle of the lake for no good reason singing some crappily done song like an idiot "Baby come back! Any kind of fool can see… something and something, uh… About you! Hey Jen, sending out mutual love to… uh… Wherever it is that elimination takes you!"
"CHÀO!" some angry vietnamese guy that was in the middle of catfish noodling stormed his way over to Geoff and slapped him across the face with a catfish "Im đi đằng kia! Chúng tôi đang cố gắng làm việc cho bạn thằng ngốc!"
"Ow… Sorry sir."
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So once that whole mess was out of the way, Gwen was the first one to pick up a tip from the Don Box, with Josee and DJ right behind them "Looks like we have to catch the next flight to Siberia."
"You mean that Dutch comedy movie from the 90's?" asked Kevin, earning a number of weirded out looks "What? I know stuff."
"It's the province in Russia you crack addict."
"Oh cool, I hear they're building the world's largest cake."
"Oh really, what flavor?"
"It's cake, does it really matter?"
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"Well then Kevin also knows this, Siberia is a massive province of Russia that's home to the siberian tiger, the siberian husky and probably anything else prefaced with the word Siberia in front of it. According to Wikipedia anyway. Now then, teams must travel to a certain Russian airport and find the Don Box dressed in the ushanka, the furry Russian hat, in order to retrieve their next travel tips."
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By now all five of the remaining teams had gotten into taxis and were racing their way to the airport.
Kevin and Gwen took this chance to try and plan out some strategies "I say we try and go after the Goths, knowing how unnaturally kickass the three of them are they've got the best chance at winning the race right now."
"Or we could go after the Ice Dancers." Gwen suggested "They wouldn't be expecting it because of this new alliance which we all know is obviously fake, we can just grab that scrawny little bitch by her-"
"Yeah I know, I've been dreaming about that since the race started. But we've gotta play this one step at a time, this whole race is like a game of chess. A good number of the pawns have been taken out, now all that's left is the king in the form of the Ice Dancers and three knights in the form of the Best Friends, the Goths and the Bromigos. I say the Ice Dancers go next and we take the other three teams to the final four."
"And who do we take to the finale?"
"Best Friends, calling it now. First we off the Fairy Tail style ice demons, then we off the two big dog teams, give Devin and Carrie enough time to hook up out of respect for them and for Adam, and then we collect our winnings."
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Crimson looked over at Ennui as they rode in their own cab "You've been so friendly with the Best Friends, you almost smiled."
"Like I said, they're survivors." Ennui pointed out "And Devin is a moron and he's hopelessly in love with Carrie, left to their own devices they'll never survive."
"Should we try to form an alliance with them then?"
"...Maybe."
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Another cab was filled with awkward silence.
Devin was sparing an occasional glance at Carrie, his mind racing 'Come on Devin you have to tell her, it's not that hard. All you have to do is tell her that you're in love with her and that's all there is to it. Hey Carrie?"
"Yes?" Carrie turned to face him.
"I… have something to tell you."
"What is it?"
"Carrie… I love you… nibrows. Unibrows."
"You love… unibrows? Like Duncan style unibrows?"
"Oh yeah, they're totally hot. Stupid stupid stupid!' and to add insult to injury the cab driver started making kissing noises directed at him "Okay…"
"It's kind of weird though."
"Not having Tom and Jen around anymore? Yeah I know, I didn't think they would sacrifice themselves for us. I guess that just means that we have to win this for them too."
"I guess so."
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By this point two of the three teams from the Axis of Corruption, those being the Artists and the Ice Dancers, were the first ones to reach the airport and make a beeline for the plane "Come on, move it move it move it!"
"Come on we've gotta hurry before the gate closes!" Gwen urged "We've gotta make this flight, the next one isn't for eight hours!"
"Use your head pasty!" Josee let out a scoff "This plays perfectly to our advantage, if the Best Friends and the Goths miss it then they're toast for sure!"
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It didn't take very long for the first three teams to get settled.
"Welcome uh… aboard everyone, uh… We're going to be, uh… closing the, uh… doors to the cabin any, uh… second now."
"JUST CLOSE THE DOORS ALREADY!" Josee pretty much exploded, her outburst being followed by a loud clanging noise as the door shut, causing her to breath a sigh of contentment and relief "Okay that's better."
"Oh thank god we made it!" Devin and Carrie made their way into some nearby, seats, with the Goths doing the same "That was way too close, we literally had to jump through the door like those two schmucks from Weekend at Bernie's." this earned a scream of pure rage and frustration from Josee.
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"All of our five remaining teams have taken off on the same flight, some of them being happier than others whose names rhyme with Josee."
Sure enough, Josee was foaming at the mouth "Well that's just perfect, now we're all on the same flight and it's all because of that damn pilot!"
"Why bother blaming the pilot?" asked Jacques "He was just doing his job, it's not his fault he speaks so slow-" he received a fist to the nose "Ow."
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By this point, Devin was trying to strategize with Carrie "Okay I think we still have a fight on our hands, the rest of the teams are pretty tough so we're gonna have to try and strategize if we wanna come out on top."
"So what then, we work with Geoff and DJ?" asked Carrie "They did help out before back in Mexico."
"Yeah but the Goths are probably the toughest team out there right now, frankly I'd rather be with them than against them. Plus we do owe Ennui for helping us get to the Chill Zone back then."
"And to turn on them after that would be really mean."
"So it's settled then, let's try and approach the Goths for some kind of alliance."
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After a flight that lasted for several hours, the plane landed and the teams made a beeline for the Don Box outside, dressed with a traditional Russian ushanka.
Devin was the first one to grab a tip from the Don Box "Looks like we have to ice yacht to that super deep Kola Borehole in nothing but our swimsuits."
Jacques was particularly excited by this "Oh yay, I look magnifique in my swimsuit."
"Wait, what the heck is an ice yacht?" asked Gwen.
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"Each of our five remaining teams must take one of the five ridonculous ice yachts that we have provided and sail due north while wearing nothing but their swimsuits, that's how the Russians used to do winter sports to show how tough they were to anyone who gave a damn. Teams will find the next ushanka covered Don Box located at the Kola Borehole, where there are oddly no soft drinks for sale. But that is where the racers will get their regular clothes back, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to see if I can get a cream soda."
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It was in almost no time at all that before the five teams had acquired taxis, arrived at the next destination, with the Best Friends, the Bromigos and the Goths being the first three teams to claim an ice yacht and take off.
Already clad in her swimsuit with her Dragonfang katana strapped to her side, Gwen was impatiently waiting for Kevin to get into his own swimsuit "For crying out loud Kevin will you hurry up, I can feel that thing Adam gave me freezing to my thigh!"
"Yeah sorry Pasty but you can't rush perfection." Kevin didn't even bother looking at her when he said this."
"I'm not rushing perfection, I'm rushing a potential crack addict."
"I'm gonna choose to ignore that, and besides you can never be cold when you look as hot as yours truly." Kevin stepped out of the changing booth clad in a pair of dark blue polka dot swim trunks.
"Oh yeah you look like a blonde Adonis with the polka dots on your shorts."
"God dammit that guy said they were bullet holes, I swear to god when we get home I'm gonna do to him ten times what Peter does to that giant chicken combined."
"Enough with the Family Guy references, let's just go."
"You're damn right, first place here we-"
"Oops!" Josee shoved Kevin to the ground "Oh wow I'm so sorry about that, it's so slippery out here."
Gwen started glaring holes into her skull 'Bitch is so going down.'
"Ahem." Kevin gestured to where his tongue was stuck to a nearby trash can.
"You're on your own."
"F*ck you."
"Nope, that's Cody's thing."
"...I'm proud of you."
"That was just to mess with you."
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Josee gave a simple shrug "Yeah I saw the Artists, saw where they were standing, saw the opportunity present itself and then there it was. Besides they've been riding our coattails way too much for my liking, I think a little nudge into last place will help." she held up a hand in order to silence Jacques "Yeah I know you love it when I talk evil."
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Kevin was still in a predicament "My tongue is frozen to the can, oh that bitch is gonna pay for this!"
"How is it that you can still speak so clearly despite that?" asked Gwen.
"You think this is the first time this has happened to me?"
"...You know what, I don't wanna know."
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By this point, the Best Friends, Goths and Bromigos were all battling it out for first place in the race on their ice yachts, which got really weird when a siberian version of Sasquatchanakwa started ice skiing behind the Goths, only to hit a rock and end up soaring through the air and ended up clinging onto the Bromigos' mast.
DJ looked over at Geoff "So dude do you wanna take care of this one or should I just start running around screaming until I end up falling into the frozen lake?"
5 minutes later…
DJ waved to the yeti as it sent them on their way by giving them a quick push "Thanks a ton man!"
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"Turns out the yeti a pretty chill dude." Geoff commented "He even invited us to join his bowling league if the whole race thing doesn't turn out well."
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Jacques was growing restless with Josee's latest attempt at sabotage, mainly because it meant that the Artists were getting a chance to catch up "Josee what are you doing? The other teams are already ahead of us!"
"Quiet." Josee pulled a screw out of one of the ice yachts "All you need to know is that the Artists can't catch a break."
"Wait what? I don't get it."
"...You know what maybe you're the one with the screw loose, just come on and help me pick one of the other boats." so they did and they set off in the ice yacht, one of them struggling to hide his reluctance.
"You little bitch, no way I'm letting you get a way with defiling my tongue! There's only one woman who gets that right and that is Mila Kunis!" Kevin lunged at Josee and hit her in the face with his trash can, sending both of them rolling and spinning down the icy way.
Gwen and Jacques shared a look, shrugged, and took off after the two of them in their respective ice yachts, both of them thinking exact the same thing in their minds 'My partner is a complete lunatic.'
Yes, yes they were.
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"Right now the Best Friends are keeping a short lead over the rest, but with the Bromigos and the Goths right on their tails I doubt they'll be able to hold onto it for long."
Sure enough, Geoff and DJ managed to take the lead "Hurry Deej, cut them off before they can get ahead of us!"
Devin had his own idea "Hurry Carrie, ram them before they can cut us off!"
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At the same time, Ennui had linked with Loki and turned to Crimson "Loki wants us to try and let the Best Friends pass us by blocking the Bromigos."
"Fine." so Crimson ricocheted the ice yacht around and rammed into the Bromigos, which gave the Best Friends a chance to pass them.
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By this point Kevin, having thrown Josee into her ice yacht and rendezvoused with Gwen, still with his tongue stuck to the trash can "Yeah you'd better run you little C**T!"
"Dude!" Gwen smacked him on the back of the head "We're on TV, I'll put up with a lot of crap from you but that's crossing the line."
"Alright alright, you gotta get laid again Pasty." Kevin lifted up the entire trash can with his tongue alone "Alright let's get going, regardless of whatever happens today if we're going out then we're going out in style."
"...Yeah okay."
"What's got you so brain f*cked, the fact that you acknowledge that you have to get laid or the fact that I'm lifting a trash can with my tongue?"
"To be honest a little bit of both."
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Ennui looked out and saw the Kola borehole coming up in front of them "Crimson, Loki, pull the break."
"Right." so Crimson started pulling on the break, but only when Loki started helping her did she manage to stop the ice yacht just in time, mere seconds from falling into the Kola borehole, earning a sigh of relief from Loki.
"Nice." so Ennui grabbed the tip from the Don Box "Who's Ready To Go Deep? Sounds interesting, and kind of tacky."
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"After losing the race to the moon to the US, or Neil Armstrong to be more specific, the Russians decided to try and win the race to the center of the Earth. But then they realized that no one was going to even try and so they stopped at the 7 mile mark. Today one member from each of our five remaining teams, I just love the fact that we're already into the final five teams of this entire race, must lower their harnessed partner all the way to the bottom and find one of the balls that we've provided before they get cranked up all the way back up to the top by their partner. Once they're back up to the top it's a foot race to the Chill Zone located at a local Russian steam bath house. The last team to arrive with their ball in hand, you get the idea now, may be cut from the race entirely. I personally hope they all take their time because I booked a rejuvenating caviar body scrub done by hot Russian women."
"Nривет, красивый."
"Yeah it's a good life."
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Ennui looked back to see Carrie and DJ pull up in their ice yachts "Aren't you missing two idiots with good fashion sense?"
Carrie and DJ shared an awkward look "Well…"
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About ½ mile back…
"WHAT THE HELL GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO TALK?!" Geoff slugged Devin clear across the face, sending him crashing to the ground "You think you're a screw up with the girl you think is the one for you?! LOOK AT ME for the love of god! I'm the one who made a complete ass out of myself on international TV and totally humiliated Bridgette too! I lost what could've been the most amazing girl that I ever met, and now that I finally like another girl in the form of Jen it turns out it's history repeating itself! THE CYCLE NEVER ENDS!"
"Welcome to the club Cowboy Bebop!" Devin dealt Geoff a sharp uppercut kick to the jaw, sending him crashing into a nearby boulder "I'm the one who's been making a complete ass out of myself since day one in front of a girl that I should've been going after instead of the bitch that treated me like a slave! Literally everyone I care about hated her, my parents, Carrie, her family, and don't even get me started on Adam! He's got enough on his plate as it is and look at me just making it even worse by making an ass out of myself every single day without even realizing it!"
"How the hell does it come back to Adam?! What is it about the guy that makes him so special?!"
"I DON'T KNOW! All I know is that I don't need to know what he's been through to know that he's suffered more than anyone else I know all combined! He's been holding inside of him so much pain that I would've tried to kill myself! He's strong man, his spirit is so strong that it's what keeps inspiring me to keep going, to keep forcing myself to find the courage to tell my best friend that I'm in love with her. What else can you say to that?"
"...I don't know what else there is that I can say." they both sat down in the snow, now covered in bruises "You know DJ said that Adam told him, Gwen and Noah something pretty heavy in Australia but he couldn't way what it was."
"Yeah I figured."
"Do you know what it is?"
"I wish, all I know is that it's tearing Adam apart inside to have to deal with whatever this burden is."
"Why don't you just ask him to tell you?"
"Geoff, when I first met Adam he was an emotional mess boiling beneath the surface and about to erupt like a volcano. He trusted almost no one and how much he may or may not trust me didn't happen overnight, I took my time and I earned his trust. The fact that he hasn't told me just means that he's not ready but that doesn't bother me, being a good friend means giving people the time they need to trust you."
"...You know you're alright Devin."
"You too man."
"YES!" Josee and Jacques bolted past the two of them in their ice yacht "Second place, now all we have to do is shove those worthless Goths out of our way while the Artists come in last and get eliminated entirely! They must be in a total panic!"
"...Oh shit!" Geoff and Devin took off running, or I should say sliding and repeatedly falling like a couple of jackasses.
"Just like those two idiots."
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Gwen was trying to come up with a solution for hers and Kevin's dirty problem that had yet to be resolved "The weight of the stupid trash can is slowing us down way too much, we've gotta pry this thing off of your tongue somehow."
"You try and get it off with my spit and I throw you head first into the frozen lake sitting beneath us." Kevin's warning was flat and filled with venom.
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"And we don't even know how that whole thing started, they just started yelling at each other and punching each other." Carrie finished explaining the random and spontaneous confrontation between Devin and Geoff.
"Guys need to let out their stupid through physical confrontation, it's just part of what makes them who they are." by this point, Crimson had already strapped herself into a harness "So who's going for you two?"
"Well Devin has more upper body strength so-"
"I'll do it!" Devin and Geoff suddenly rolled onto the scene while trapped in a gigantic snowball for some reason, and they dog piled out of it "Yeah this is kind of a tough one, sorry Carrie but I have more upper body strength between the two of us so-"
"Hey easy it's okay." she strapped herself into a harness and put on a helmet with a light fixated to the top "You just be sure to crank."
"Got it. And Carrie?"
"Yeah?"
"I… Just be careful down there."
"Sure thing." and she gave him a thumbs up as she was lowered down into the hole.
'Way to go Devin, you blew it yet again only this time you might end up burying the girl of your dreams alive.'
Ennui saw this as he lowered Crimson down into the hole "Keep an eye out for Carrie while I deal with damage control up here." so with that in mind he turned to Devin "Hey."
"Hey." then he looked over and saw Josee and Jacques arrive on the scene and start blowing kisses in their creepy way "Okay seriously enough with that move already, you've already driven it into the ground. We get it, you're Ice Dancers and you're showing off for literally no one else here."
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Josee gained a devious smirk "Oh that is it, I'm going to make sure his little girlfriend never comes out of that hole." this caused Jacques to cringe.
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Jacques ran into a problem regarding who would go where "You know that have to put on the harness right?"
"What?!" Josee let out a horrified gasp "You know damn well that I don't do well in any sort of tight spaces!"
"But the cranking requires upper body strength and you have the strength of a pencil, you would never manage to get me back to the top."
"But I can't-"
"Listen to me Josee, if you feel your claustrophobia getting to you then I promise I will pull you back to the top."
"...Alright fine just give me the damn thing." so she strapped herself into the harness and prepared to get lowered down into the hole "Okay I'm ready."
"Here goes." so Jacques started to crank, until…
"PULL ME UP!" Josee almost immediately freaked out, which quickly prompted Jacques to stop cranking "I'm sorry that was super unprofessional of me."
"You passed that line after your tantrum in Morocco." Ennui pointed out, with Loki chittering in agreement.
"...Ignoring that, put me back down."
"Alright, here goes." so Jacques started to crank again, until…
"Back up! BACK UP!" the cranking stopped "No get a grip Josee, you can do this. Get a move on!" and she went back down.
Jacques breathed a sigh of relief "Say what you will but at least the constant cranking is keeping me warm and it helps to improve my physique, which you need in order to survive when partnered with someone like-"
"PULL ME BACK UP! PULL ME BACK UP!"
"...Like that, with someone like that."
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At the same time, Carrie and Crimson both reached the bottom of the hole and the two of them looked around "Huh, you know it's actually kind of warm down here."
"That's not a good thing." Crimson pointed out "You never know what kind of dark twisted creatures could be lurking down here. Well it's good for me at least, but you wouldn't last a minute."
"Well thanks for the boat of confidence."
"Would you rather that I lie to you?"
"...Fair enough." she managed to find her ball "Oh hey check it out, I found one. Do you want me to stay down here with you?"
"More like you should go before Josee tries something underhanded, you're not exactly cut throat."
"Uh… okay then, Devin pull me back up." and so she was promptly pulled back up towards the top.
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"The Best Friends secure their first place position, with the Goths not far behind them, with the Ice Dancers and the Bromigos still struggling to get into the hole. On the other hand, the Artists were still bolting across the ice, albeit with a bit of a trashy problem. Okay I realize that that pun was weak."
"Okay, 1… 2… 3!" Kevin finally yanked the trash can off of his tongue "OW!"
"HOLE!" Gwen yanked on the break as hard as she could, resulting in the two of them, along with their ice yacht, slamming into the changing booths, demolishing them "Ow…"
"MY BATHING SUIT!" Jacques made a beeline to get his bathing suit out of the only changing booth that was still intact, letting go of the crank in the process.
"JACQUES!"
"Oops." he grabbed it just in the nick of time "Sorry about that, you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I think so. I'm okay… I'm okay! No I'm not, PULL ME THE BLOODY HELL BACK UP!"
"Hold it hold on a minute, just listen to me mon petit chou. We're only in third place right now but the Artists just crashed onto the scene, Crimson is still at the bottom."
"Scratch that." Ennui was still cranking and didn't even bother to look at him, which made his point even more clear.
"...Scratch that, Crimson is already on her way back up and Carrie is almost at the top. You need to focus! Breathe woman breathe! Now I want you to imagine yourself doing something that you love."
"Yeah, yeah you're right. And you know what I love?"
"Dancing like the wind across the ice?"
"Nope, cheating against other teams without any hint of shame! Wait you never mentioned what the Bromigos are doing right now."
"Oh. Well…"
"CANNONBALL!" Geoff did a cannonball into the hole, only something seemed very wrong as he did so.
"Uh oh."
DJ looked down and noticed that Geoff had forgotten to strap on the harness "Uh oh." this was followed by very loud screaming.
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So with her plan in mind, Josee met Crimson as the two of them were going in opposite directions, the form going down and the latter going up "Hey girlfriend so quick question, are the balls in plain sight?"
"You can have this is you stop trying to pretend to be friendly, it makes me wanna vomit worse than anything else." Crimson handed her the ball and sunk back down into the hole in a very ominous way.
"...Yeah okay that's disturbing, Jacques pull me back up before I start to have another stroke okay?"
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"It's simple logic." explained Crimson "The banshee whose name I don't bother to remember is volatile, it's for the best interest of everyone to just give her what she wants or else people might get hurt. I might be goth, but I'm not heartless. It's just shrouded by darkness. I mean, like, whatever."
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Other things were in development back on the surface.
Ennui was quick to just get down to business "So you wanna form an alliance?"
Devin blinked "I didn't think you guys were the kind of people who into an alliance."
"Normally no, you and Carrie aren't dark enough for our tastes but what you lack in darkness you make up for in honor. Besides, the Ice Dancers are growing restless and she will try anything and everything to destroy us both."
"Well-"
"That we will!" Josee gracefully landed on the ground with ball in hand "That was both creepier and easier than taking candy from a baby that you despise with every single fiber of your entire being." and she took off, with a reluctant Jacques following.
"...Well she's quite the character."
"I've noticed." Ennui's tone was as dry as ever "So are you in or not?"
"Uh… yeah what the heck, we need a new alliance now that Tom and Jen are gone." he kept on cranking.
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Josee and Jacques landed on the Carpet of Completion in style, only to find that Don was nowhere in sight "Hello? Don?"
"Hey guys, listen." that was when Don showed up in nothing but a towel "I've got some bad news, for you at least. See because you didn't go to the bottom of the bore hole to collect the ball as the tip instructed I have to give the two of you a 30 minute penalty."
"Oh come on you can't be serious, that is so unfair!"
"Well considering that you're a horrible person and the two of you have taken more penalties than all of the other four teams combined, I think the two of you are getting off quite easy. Now then, over there please." he gestured to one of the benches nearby.
"...God dammit." so she reluctantly sat down on one of the benches, with Jacques following her lead "You know what screw it, I'm not worried. We'll still be in first place when the penalty is up."
"And besides, when is a free 30 minute steam bath a punishment in any way?" Jacques just nonchalantly leaned back.
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After finally recovering from the crash, Kevin let out a heavy sounding sigh "Oh that skinny little bitch is gonna get what's coming to her whether I dish it out or not, either way someone's gonna take those winnings, convert it into rolls of nickels, bend her over and-" his sentence was finished by a raccoon poking its head out of the trash can "Yeah you tell him little buddy." he dealt the raccoon a fist bump.
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Gwen was quick to point out a problem "Yeah there's no way in hell I'm going down there in that thing."
"What you think you have the upper strength to pull me back up?"
"I don't care, you know about my phobia of being buried alive! This is a 7 mile drop and if I were to go down there then not only would I be faced with being potentially buried alive but my life would be in the hands of a crack addict minus the crack! There is no way I'm going down that god forsaken hole and there's nothing that you can say or do to change my mind."
Devin looked over to Carrie "Yeah I think this is gonna get ugly, we should probably get going now."
"He's not gonna do anything super reckless is he?" asked Carrie.
"I have no doubt in my mind that he will." and so the two of them took off running towards the Chill Zone.
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Other teams were still looking for their balls, with a faint screaming sounding from up top.
Crimson looked down at Geoff on the ground "Are you dead?" she received a muffled groan in reply "You want help getting the ball?" she received another groan "That's what I thought you would-" she was cut off by screaming.
As it turns out, Gwen had been free falling for about 6.7 miles, only to just barely stop herself from hitting the ground at the bottom of the hole by driving her Dragonfang katana into the side of the hole "KEVIN YOU INSANE LITTLE (bleep) YOU SON OF A (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) "I WILL TEAR OFF YOUR (bleep) AND SHOVE THEM RIGHT UP YOUR (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) WITH (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) AND (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) IN THE (bleep) (bleep) AND (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) YOUR (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) SO THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO (bleep) SIDEWAYS! (Bleep)!" she received a jaw dropped look from Geoff and a raised eyebrow from Crimson "What?"
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3 minutes and 26 seconds left on the penalty clock.
Don looked over just in time to see Devin and Carrie step onto the Carpet of Completion, much to his relief "Oh thank god, I thought I would have to give the win to the Ice Dancers. Best Friends congratulations, you're in first place which proves that cheating never pays."
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"That felt good, that felt really good." Devin noted, with Carrie nodding in agreement over the events of the day.
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Don then proceeded to count off the Ice Dancers once the penalty timer was up "Your penalty has expired, Ice Dancers you're in second place which proves that sometimes cheating does pay to a certain extent."
"...Yeah I'm out." Josee started walking away.
"Where are you going?"
"To throw something very big and heavy."
"You do that." Don took the chance to address the Goths once they arrived at the Chill Zone with ball in hand "Goths congratulations you're the third team to arrive."
"The pain in my arms feels good." and so the three of them walked off.
"Now only two teams are left for today's race, the Bromigos and the Artists. The last dash to the Chill Zone is on."
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Kevin started playing a harmonica that he had pulled out of his ass as he watched the Bromigos take off for the Chill Zone "My butler is black, my butler is blue, cause his honey's got green coming out of her wazoo!"
"KEVIN!"
"Oh hey Pasty, did you find the ball yet?"
"Are you kidding me?! You dislocated my shoulder with that little stunt you psycho!"
"Hey that's certified psycho to you, I have the card up here."
"Don't give me that spiel about- Wait are you serious?"
"Yeah, I'm legally certified to be psychotic in 19 different countries excluding Canada. Why do you think I've been cutting loose so much during this race? I've gotta get those credits in while I can."
"...I don't know how to respond to that. Well anyway I've got the ball and I think I might have some internal bleeding, just pull me up so I can go to a hospital or something."
"Yeah alright I gotcha." he started pulling Gwen back up.
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Don met with Geoff and DJ once they arrived at the Chill Zone "Geoff and DJ well done, the two of you are in fourth place."
"YES!" Geoff dealt DJ a high five and blew a kiss towards the camera "Jen babe, that one was for you!"
"Well that's not creepy at all."
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Kevin and Gwen were making their way into the steam bath, the tone rather melancholy as to be expected due to the latter having her arm in a cast "It's kind of my fault, I let myself get way too carried away. My dad always said that only losers don't win so if I don't score that game winner, pin the tail on that donkey or be the first one to scarf down that mountain of buffalo wings then you're nothing but a loser. I come from a weird family."
"You come from Bridgette's family." Gwen pointed out "The only thing about her that people might consider weird is that she's a vegetarian."
"Uh huh. And?"
"...Alright I'll give you that one. But you know maybe I have been a little bit hard on you during this race, I mean you did help me to realize that I'm in love with Cody and I guess you taught me that it's okay to loosen up a little bit every once in a while."
"And?"
"And that not all reality TV is terrible to be on, just Total Drama under Chris McLean the spawn of the devil."
"And with that my goal has been accomplished." and then they finally reached the Carpet of Completion.
Don was quick to address the two of them "Gwen, Kevin, I'm sorry to have to say this but the two of you are the last team to arrive. You raced hard and you raced well and I honestly hoped that I wouldn't have to say, this, but you've been cut from the competition."
"Yeah we figured as much." Kevin wrapped an arm around Gwen and pulled her into a tight hug, putting pressure on her broken arm, earning a yelp of pain "Oh yeah, sorry."
"Forget it, I'm used to it now. Come on, let's go." Gwen told him.
"Fine by me, later Don and good luck with the rest of the race." and so the two of them took their leave.
Don took this chance to sign off of the episode "Now only four teams remain in the race around the world for one million dollars. Who will go home next? The only way to find out is to keep an eye out for more of… the Ridonculous Race!"
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"You know to be honest, I'm not really that upset about losing." Gwen commented "I mean 18 teams started this race and we made it all the way to the final five, that could be a lot worse right?"
"The hell it does, that only makes it suck." Kevin muttered.
"Hey we faced adversity and we fought our way through it and we learned a lot of stuff along the way."
"I learned that this was heaps of pain all for nothing." Kevin let out a sigh "Alright I guess I learned more than that, like you're pretty tolerant of me being a certifiably psychotic son of a bitch."
"Hey it's part of your charm."
"And your pain threshold is high as f*ck. No seriously, you're a goddamn machine when it comes to this stuff. You're invincible, you're untouchable, you're f*cking unstoppable. You be a beast Pasty."
"Watch it crazy. So where do we go from here?"
"I say we stop off in Russia and see that gigantic cake that I was telling you about?"
"Remind me again, what kind of cake is it?"
"Who gives a rat's ass, it's cake."
"...Yeah okay fair enough." and they walked off into the sunset.
A/N:
Yeah, like I was gonna let the Ice Dancers come in first after screwing over another team like that, and I figured why not let the Best Friends take the win? They haven't gotten one in awhile, not a solo win at least.
I'm gonna be real with you, I loved doing the Artists but I had to axe someone before next chapter and I didn't want to get rid of the Bromigos or the Goths just yet, so like with Gwen and DJ's eliminations in the Rise of an Underdog it came down to the process of elimination. But hey, Gwen made it to the final five which makes up for her not making the merge in the last story so that helps right?
Now that the Fashion Bloggers are gone I figured that the Best Friends and the Goths both need a new alliance in order to fight off the advances of the Ice Dancers, considering how much a certain someone (Josee) hates them with a burning passion. That, and it gives me a chance to give the Goths some character development inspired by the interactions between them and the Best Friends in the episode Lord of the Ring Toss in canon.
The vietnamese guy that slapped Geoff with the catfish said "HEY! Shut up over there, we're trying to work you idiot!" Or at least that's what it said in Google Translate. That's a reference to a video by Joey Turner on YouTube, if you've seen his stuff then I salute you.
In regards to Crimson giving Josee her ball. it's like she said. Josee is volatile and is less likely to lose her shit if she gets her way, which in Crimson's eyes is better in the long run.
Geoff mourning over Jen's elimination is a callback to what he did in Total Drama Island after Bridgette's elimination.
Kevin talking about that gigantic cake in Russia is a callback to Owen talking about it in Total Drama World Tour episode 4, the episode with the Yukon.
Rankings:
Best Friends: 1st
Ice Dancers: 2nd
Goths: 3rd
Bromigos: 4th
Elimination:
Artists: 5th
Fashion Bloggers: 6th
Reality TV Pros: 7th
Sisters: 8th
Rockers: 9th
Father & Son: 10th
Stepbrothers: 11th
Adversity Twins: 12th
Mother & Daughter: 13th
Ultimate Duo: 14th
Vegans: 15th
Geniuses: 16th
Tennis Rivals: 17th
LARPers: 18th