CHAPTER 3

She taps her foot against the pavement. The cab was meant to be there at least twenty minutes ago to take her home. She wears the clothes her Ma brought in for her although they wouldn't be her usual choice of 'stand outside the hospital for thirty minutes' attire. At least they are warm...and bright, so the cab driver should have a hard time not spotting her.
She almost dances a jig when she see's Frankie beat-up old orange volvo drive through the hospital entrance. He see's her and pulls over in front of her.

"Jane, what are you doing out here?"

"Waiting for my cab. No idea where he is. What are you doing here?"

"Coming to visit you. They let you out already?"

Jane rolls her eyes, "Yeah Frankie. Can you take me home?"

"Sure can Janie. Does Ma and Maura know you're out? Ma would never let you take a cab from the hospital."

"Frankie I'm fine. I was discharged and have the doctors permission to return to work tomorrow. I'm not going to interrupt everyone's lives over a car accident and I don't want Ma fussing over me anymore. I swear i'm fine."

Jane climbs in careful to move slow and not hurt her tender ribs and Frankie heads in the direction of Maura's.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Maura's?"

"Take me to my apartment Frankie."

"Will you be alright on your own?"

"Yes Frankie." She snaps at him angrily, "Damn it...I'm a big girl and can look after myself despite Ma treating me like a baby. And yes I could have died but i'm fine and really just want everything to go back to normal."

Frankie grunts and Jane sighs letting the stress dissipate slowly. He understands and doesn't get offended.

"Glad you are ok sis."

Jane smiles at him tenderly but he doesn't see as he is focusing on the road.

"I need a new car and phone."

"The insurance company will lend you a car till yours is sorted. Ma already organized it. And your phone was recovered from the scene. Kent has it at BPD for you."

"Nice." Jane smiles to herself, at least her entire week won't be disrupted trying to get things back to normal. "I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight."

"Oh yeah," Frankie gasps, "I forgot...How was the police conference?"

Jane bites her bottom lip and thinks, she can't remember a single thing from it but she remembers she had to go...at least now she knows where she was driving from, "Ok I guess...nothing stood out anyway." She doesn't want him to know she can't remember it.

When they arrive, Frankie wants to come upstairs with her but she tells him she needs to get settled first. They arrange to have coffee the following day at BPD instead. She just wants some space right now. She walks in her door and the apartment is dark. Several attempts to switch the lights on proves that the power is off. She rummages around in the dark and finds an old torch that thankfully works. The fuses are all ok however.

She uses an old plugin phone to call the power company and they seem confused stating their must be a glitch and they will get the the power back on within 48 hours.

She dials Maura next.

"Hey Maur."

"What's wrong Jane?"

"Why does something have to be wrong?"

"Jane?"

Jane sighs loudly, "Fine. My power is out and I wondered...if it was ok...if I could stay with you. Beer is terrible when it's warm."

There is silence on the other end of the phone and Jane suddenly feels nervous...like she is missing something.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea Jane."

"Please Maura. I sent Frankie away...I can't call and ask him if I can stay with him now, plus his place is too small. And I really don't want to share a bed with Ma...and I don't want want to sleep in the dark...not...not tonight anyway."

"Fine." The tone is not cold but it's clipped, and Jane suddenly feels like she guilt tripped her friend into it.

"Unless you have, like, company or something."

"I don't. I haven't."

"Only if you want Maur. I don't want to intrude."

"No. It's not a problem Jane. You are...always welcome."

It sounds friendly and genuine so Jane accepts it, "Ok." she says relieved, "I just have to change and call a cab. See you soon."

"Jane wait..."

"Yeah?"

"I...I'll pick you up from your place."

"No Maur. It's too much trouble."

"I was going to get takeout anyway."

Jane almost snorts a laugh, "Really. Why?"

"It will just be easier, you don't have a cellphone and taxi-cabs are unrelia-"

"Frankie called you?"

"Well...yes...he informed me you were no longer in hospital in case I planned to visit."

"Figures."

"I'll be there soon."

"Thank you Maur. Really...thank you."

They enjoy dinner...or at least Jane does. Dirty Robber burgers and fries. After hospital food Jane feels like she has gone to heaven.

It seems there isn't a lot to say that isn't awkward. The crash seemed to take over Jane's whole world even though she tried to make it a minor part of it. Yet it seems to be a topic that's off the table. The looks from her family. The hushed tones and whispers around her. The television quickly turned off whenever she is around. But no one want's to talk about the crash.

Whenever she looks at Maura she isn't sure which topic to pick and whenever Maura looks at her she looks away again. They used to be able to talk about anything. She senses Maura is on edge about something.

And so they sit mostly in silence except when Maura drops a few random facts based on something on the television.

When Jane has finally had enough she breaks the silence.

"What's going on Maur? What the hell happened?"

Maura purses her lips for a moment in what looks like thought and opens her mouth to reply when her phone rings. She answers it keeping her focus away from Jane.

"Isles."

Jane's hand goes to her belt before she remembers her phone isn't on her. She gives Maura a solemn look and crosses her arms.

"I'll be there soon." Maura says before hanging up.

"They can't call me? Jane growls

"You aren't cleared yet Jane."

"I'm fine though." Jane spreads her arms to show she is fine.

Maura shrugs and gets up "I'm sorry. I have to go."

Jane shakes her head in frustration, "I can come with you? Just watch?"

Maura shakes her head no, "You need to rest. I'll see you later."

The door closes and Jane throws herself backwards onto the couch, wincing as her ribs disagree with her actions. She isn't sure if she is more frustrated that Maura is going on a case without her, or that they were just about to talk about whatever has been going on.

She changes the channel to the red sox game and she tries to forget about the silence. Her eyes are heavy but she watches as Dustin Pedroia swings and connects with the ball sending it spiraling into the air and towards the bleaches. He biffs the bat onto the ground and starts into a sprint towards the first base. Her eyes are so heavy and she closes them.

When she opens them again she see's red lights, bright against everything white. The cars in front are breaking, she can see it and feel it.

'Not again' she thinks her heart racing and a bead of sweat dripping down the side of her face. She grips the wheel and pumps her brakes again.
The crunch of metal breaks through the wind once, twice, three times and then she see's the trailer on its side punctured by cars that are traveling in reverse.

'Stop' she cries out, 'No more. Not again.' She can't hear herself over the tires squealing like scared pigs and the crunching sound that makes her heart feel like it breaks just a little bit each time. The whole thing charges in her direction and the car beneath her moves right and left skidding and sliding but she isn't conscious of her movements any more. She knows what's coming and it scares her. She knows she survives but it doesn't make the experience any lighter, nor their deaths any easier. She swallows hard and tries to brace herself. But she doesn't control this body or this dream. Maybe tomorrow she will get counseling for PTSD...but for now she has to re-live this again.

She watches as the car in front collides with the trailer...it crunches front to middle like an aluminum can... and the sound feels like it takes a whole minute to reach her, like distant fireworks. It's all in slow motion...the vehicle almost explodes discarding any weak attachments. The side windows, the front window, one back door, all the hubcaps at different times. She is next...again.

It ill slows down further...so slow she can see shards of glass float through the sky in front like feathers on a light wind, only they reflect white and red. The sounds are of car horns are like foghorns that seem to have stuck and penetrate her mind incessantly.

Her car front collides with the back end of the car in front and nothing is slow anymore...it all speeds up and she is thrown forward and to the side as it slides out-of-control off the road. A wall of white starts to come at her but she is relaxed. The airbag explodes in her face and throws her backwards. And then the car stops as it collides with the bank...the bumper pushes into the bonnet and into the windscreen. An explosion of white snow shattering it at the same time as she is thrown forward again into her own arms, she feels a sharp pain in her nose that makes her eyes water...and then she is thrown backwards again and everything goes black.

Dark. Silence.

She feels relief...it's over again...the memory is over.

She just needs to wake up on Maura's couch.

When she opens her eyes, she can see...sort of.

It's blurry and it's all white and really really cold. She can hear sirens getting louder...and a car horn, and the wind whistling. Her head feels like it imploded and her hands hurt more than usual. She's still in the car...she has to get out. She rummages around in the dark searching for the door handle. When she finds it she pulls it and pushes the door, it doesn't budge. She growls at it and shoves again with her shoulder and with a loud creak it gives way.
She tries to pull herself out but she pinned at the chest and the pressure burns against her ribs. She grabs at her chest before realizing it's the seatbelt so she finds the release and presses it. She uses the side of the car and the door to pull herself till she is standing, and the icy cold wind almost takes her breath away. The car is cold and already icy and her fingers try to stick to the metal when she tries to move away from it. She feels lightheaded and woozy and the cold air nips at her bare arms and neck, she didn't bring a jacket...she feels the cold but her blood feels so hot through her skin.

She tests out her legs with a small step, they work and she hasn't fallen although they feel like burning fire.
Her eyes meet the bright scene of flashing lights and emergency trucks. Police, fire and ambulances. Bright halogen lamps running on generators. Medical personal and firemen running in both directions, some standing on wreaked cars or climbing in windows, some calling out. She can hear the unmistakable sounds of power-tool blades eating into steel which drown out
No-one has seen her yet.

She takes another step as the wind whips against her, the cold air burns her lips. He leg feels wobbly. Her head does too. She tries to call out but the wind drowns out her voice.
She reaches for her hip for her badge so she can identify herself to them. Her badge isn't there and neither is her phone. Her phone. She has to get to Maura.

Maura.

She moves to turn back towards her car but her balance is off and she wobbles. She tries to hold still. She can feel the goose bumps on her arms and the chill against them. She looks up again but the chaos before her is blurry...she tries to reach out to steady herself but there is nothing to grab. Her stomach lurches and she thinks she might vomit. But then she is falling and snow...snow is coming at her again.

Maura.

She wakes with the word on the tip of her tongue although she can't remember why. It takes a few minutes for her body to relax and for her heart rate to return to normal.

When she gathers herself she realises it's morning and she is still dressed in her clothing from last night. And she's on Maura's couch covered in a blanket she doesn't remember having last night.

She hears Maura's voice clear like a bell over the clunking of cutlery and the sounds and smells of breakfast being made.

"...I thought it was a rather good episode."

"It found it too...whats the word...educational." Angela's high sharp Italian voice seems to linger in the air, "I like romance and drama and all that stuff."

"It had all that, Angela," Maura's voice is joyous and playful, "It is just more complicated...more real."

"MmmHmmmm" Angela's tone clearly disagrees with the comparison.

"You prefer soap opera's Angela. Drama's back to back and love triangles every other day."

Jane can hear her mother's genuine laugh. Jane can't remember them getting on like that before. Friendly, but not this close. There is a tiny twinge of jealousy before she remembers that Maura is family, and that her Ma is better off the more people in her life that love her.
She stretches to ease the stiffness and drags herself off the couch towards the smell of coffee and the voices she knows so well.

"Morning." She grumbles sleepily as she reaches the counter.

"Janie! Good morning. Did you sleep well baby?"

"Yeah Ma." Jane replies pulling herself into a seat and yawning.

"You have dark circles under your eye's, Jane." Maura says looking up briefly from pouring the drinks.

Jane returns her gaze but ignores the insinuation, "You guys are watching the same show?"

Angela smiles as she looks at Maura, "Maura and I have been watching a few shows together lately."

Jane looks between Maura and her Mother, "I didn't know you two did that sort of thing together."

"It's a recent thing. Lunch and Netfix." Angela adds, "Maura always likes hospital shows."

"They aren't completely realistic." Maura says with a nonchalant shrug as she hands Jane a coffee, "But it's a middle ground we can both enjoy."

Jane nods a thank you and takes a sip. It is hot and bitter and soothing mainly on an emotional level.

"You could join us...if you like?" Maura adds, almost as an afterthought, "If Angela was fine with it."

"That would be wonderful." Angela says too eagerly

"Maybe." Jane answers knowing she won't, she hates being the third wheel no matter who it's with.

"Would you like to accompany me to work?" Maura asks almost sweetly with a gentle smile. It is better than saying 'you don't have a car yet, shall I drive', and Jane appreciates that Maura always leaves her with her dignity.

"Sounds good." Jane gives Maura a smile to show her gratitude.

"You're going back to work already?" Angela almost drops her cup.

"Yes Ma." Jane says with a grin, "I am cleared because I am fine."

Angela mumbles under her breath, "Whatever."

"Will you be staying again tonight?" Maura asks softly, maybe nervously.

"If they don't have my power on...and it's ok with you? But we could go for a run before work tomorrow either way?"

"Sure." Maura nods "You should get changed. We have to leave soon."

It's her first day back in almost two weeks and everything looks the same...but it doesn't feel the same. Maybe it was too soon, but then again nothing really happened.

She had picked up her phone from downstairs on the way to the bullpen leaving Maura and Kent standing side by side as they watched her climb back into the elevator, Kent looking mostly surprised...maybe too surprised to say anything. And for the first time in forever she can't read Maura's expression at all.

She is almost getting used to the surprised looks from those around her. Only a few have been brave enough to tell her they are glad she is ok or ask her how she is.

A part of her want's to look at the footage of the aftermath of the crash, the other part of her want's to forget it happened at all. The flashbacks are bad enough.

By 9:30am, her phone is charging beside her and she is waiting for it to turn on.

The bullpen is quieter than she remembers, Korsak is downstairs and everyone is preoccupied with something. But there is a stack of paperwork to keep her occupied...only she hates paperwork. She is itching to ask Cavanaugh what she missed, or rather if there is something other than paperwork she can do, but she hasn't seen him yet.

She is almost falling asleep reading a case file when Korsak comes in.

"Dang girl...you don't look half bad. I think you're are the luckiest person I know."

Jane chuckles and smiles, "Hey. You miss me?"

"Sure did." He says sitting down, "I tried to call you yesterday. Called Maura when your phone went straight to voicemail. She filled me in."

"I left my phone in the car." Jane says turning to her phone and seeing the battery is almost fully charged, she turns it on.

It takes a minute before it pings through half a dozen alerts of missed calls.

She is staring at the screen of her own phone when Korsaks phone rings.

"Korsak."

He glances at her as he listens and she stares back at him.

"Yep. Ok. I'm on my way."

Korsak opens his drawer and grabs his badge and sidearm.

"What?" Jane frowns and checks her phone over wondering why her partner is going out on a case without her.

"See you later." Korsak says grabbing his coat.

Jane watches him leave and glares at her phone again giving it a small shake.

She is still staring at it when Cavanaugh walks in.

"Rizzoli. You got nothing to do?"

"Uh, no sir. Just wondering why I am not out on the case with Korsak."

"Korsak was partnered with Frankie."

"What?" her mouth hangs open so wide her jaw starts to hurt.

"I'm glad you're ok Rizzoli."

"Frankie and Korsak? So... who is my partner now?"

"I'm working on that." Cavanaugh is about to walk into his office when he turns to look at Jane again, "Listen...Jane. I know you've had a rough time...but since you left the conference early...while I am fine with you doing that...technically you weren't on duty, so, well...counseling isn't covered by the department. It's shitty I know. But...you know...if you need to talk my door is always open."

They stare at each other a moment before Cavanaugh speaks again, "I know it's none of my business...but why did you leave early?"

Jane shakes her head and scrunches her brow, "I don't remember."

Cavanaugh nods but seems unconvinced, "Right. Ok. Well...finish that paperwork Rizzoli."

She doesn't. Not right away.

She has been gone less than two weeks and is partnerless. It feels like a rejection. Now she is going to get lumped with some newbie, probably. Maybe Cavanaugh has done this to help Frankie find his feet. He is the newest detective on the force and of course they never partner relatives or siblings. But it still feels like a rejection. But she can't get emotional about this...she is Jane Rizzoli and she is tough and this shit doesn't get to her.

She picks up her phone again and finally checks the missed calls.

Two from Korsak the night of the crash. One from Maura. Three from her Ma. And two from unknown numbers.

She sighs, she feels like she needs a beer...but it's too early in the day. She feels exhausted despite doing nothing.

She feels like she needs a strong coffee.

The break room is empty and so is the coffee pot. She closes her eyes and sighs, wondering if her week could get any worse.

But then her world never ended for lack of coffee before today.

She straightens herself, huffs a resigned breath out her nose, and fills the coffee machine.

She watches as the dark brown liquid slowly drips into the glass coffee pot bringing with it the aroma she loves.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks of Korsak and Frankie on a case together and her left behind.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks about how different Maura has been acting lately.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks going downstairs to the Division One Cafe for a coffee might actually be faster than this.

Drip drip drip.

She thinks of her Ma and Maura calling after the crash and wonders how they knew.

Drip drip drip.

She taps her fingers on her cup in time with the drips as she waits.

She taps the wheel with her fingers as she moved slowly with the traffic. Impatience set in a good fifteen minutes ago and she checks her phone for any messages from Maura. None. She reaches down and turns on the radio. It's the end of a song she vaguely recognizes but doesn't care enough to recall. She taps her fingers again as a news report starts but pauses when the words sink in. 'Snow storm bearing down on Massachusetts, parts of highway 101 and 91 are closed. More closures overnight. Stay home if you don't have to travel.'

She doesn't care, she is a safe driver. Driven these roads many times over the years in all type of weather...and she has to get to Maura.

Thirty minutes later the traffic picks up to a satisfactory pace. Maybe it's because a lot of cars have turned around and gone back. Jane doesn't really think about it much. She is on a mission.

The skies look deceptively like it is clearer ahead but every mile that passes makes it seem like she will never reach that lighter sky.

Along with speed of traffic, the wind also picked up and white powdery stuff gets blown across the road in front of her.

It's almost on dusk so she puts her lights on. Another alert on the radio but she's already halfway anyway, and it sounds like it hasn't hit Boston anyway. She can make it...she has to.

As she drives, the smaller white patches on the side of the road become larger white patches until the entire roadside is a blanket of white. She is hopeful to be out of the way of the storm before it fully hits. She reaches down to check her phone again.

Still nothing.

'Where are you Maura?' She growls to herself.

Another half mile and it's getting harder to see, but her mind is only focused on getting back to Boston.

She calls Maura again and it goes through to her message.

"This is Doctor Isles. Please leave a message after the tone."

Her heart sinks. Maura always answers her phone.

"Maura. It's me. Why aren't you answering. Please...please call me back ok. I'm worried about you. Ok. Yeah. It's Jane"

She scrunches up her face as she ends the call. She knows she sounded like a bumbling nervous wreak...far from the confident detective everyone knows her to be.

She doesn't have much time to think about what a weird sounding message she left as she focuses on the road ahead. It's getting darker...and also harder to see.

The radio reports of a crash on the 95, she is glad she isn't on that road and hopes everyone is ok.

She checks her phone on the seat beside her...again. Still nothing.

"Where are you?" she thinks out loud.

When she looks up again she see's far too much activity to be considered normal. She can feel it in her bones. Something is wrong. She starts to brake. Her heart speeds up and she knows what's about to happen.

She knows because she remembers this part...

She knows she will never get used to it.

She just wishes she didn't have to see it again...feel it again.

She wishes she could move her arm enough to pinch herself, to wake herself up, but she can't.

She wishes it was over and she was safe at home.

...To be continued...