CHAPTER 4

Jane leaves work early. Thankfully in her own temporary car.

Cavanaugh let her leave even though she doesn't really have a good reason. When she gets home her power is back on.

She sighs in relief as she triple locks the door behind her.

She wouldn't admit she felt on edge to anyone.

It's her refection in the hall mirror that gives her a clue as to why Cavanaugh didn't object to her leaving when she did.

That combined with the fact that he knew as much about what she had been through as she did.

Her eyes are slightly bloodshot and she is deathly pale, even thirty minutes after leaving BPD. Her messy hair sticks to the side of her face. She hadn't even noticed she was shaking slightly until she is standing there staring at herself.

She hadn't realized the toll these flashbacks were having on her physically. They left her body reacting like the event had just happened.

She lets out another heavy sigh before she pulls herself together and heads to the kitchen to get a beer.

She open the fridge door and holds her nose and mouth. Something has turned putrid and she almost gags. She wonders if her power was off for more than a few days.

She finds a black trash-bag and empties the contents of her freezer into it plus the perishables in the fridge as well. She shoves it in a rubbish bin and then she cracks open a cold beer.

She feels tired, exhausted. She wonders if having a cry would make her feel better.

Probably not.

Everything seems to be more of a challenge than usual and it is sucking all her energy even though nothing is different.

The strange vibes she gets from Maura at times is especially confusing.

She drinks half the beer in one go and sips the rest as she thinks back over the week.

The empty bottle finds a home in the sink and she pulls another bottle out of the fridge and opens it.

After one sip, her stomach growls and she already knows her fridge is mostly empty, so she picks up her phone and the takeaway menu from the Chinese place up the street. She almost knows the number by heart now.

It is answered on the fourth ring.

"Chinese Takeaway. What is your order please?"

"It's Jane. Um...The usual please."

"Jane who?"

"Detective Jane Rizzoli. Apartment 26. I get an order every Tuesday."

"Don't know the usual. Don't know Jane. What you order?"

Jane presses her head against the fridge, "The number 8 and the number 21."

"Pickup or delivery?"

"Delivery."

"Address to deliver?"

She growls, "Nevermind."

"What?"

"Cancel my order." Jane says with a sigh and hangs up. She isn't hungry anymore, she is annoyed. Frustrated. Tired.

She sits down on her couch and stares at her hands again. The bandages are off and there are only small light red scratches left, they look like a tiny roadmap, but they don't hurt.

She runs her hands through her hair and growls before picking up her phone and texts Maura.

Hey. What are you up too?

She puts her feet up on the couch and tugs a lock of hair around her finger losing herself in her thoughts. Since waking up in hospital nothing has felt...quite...normal. She looks at her phone, no reply from Maura.

'Answer me.' She thinks as she stares at it...a feeling of deja vu washes over her.

It grabs her throat and crushes her heart although she isn't sure why.

She rubs her palms together to calm herself.

Usually it works but today it isn't and then it hits her. She feels nothing in her hands. Nothing.

She presses her thumb to the scar on her palm and waits for the usual twinge of pain the shoots from the damaged nerve and up her arm but she feels nothing. Not even the touch itself. She holds her tongue, this is not something to squeal over in either shock or delight. This is not the result of too much beer.

She doesn't feel the pain she got so used to, the doctors didn't say anything about nerve damage. That pain is what has kept her grounded physically and emotionally for the last ten years.

She stares at her hands breathing heavily.

'Think Jane think.'

She slows her breathing and decides it must be the beer...or she is over-tired, or just coincidence...or maybe her brain ignoring her pain out of necessity...like the doctor had said over her memories.

She has to believe it.

But maybe she should ask Maura...just in case.

Jane picks up her phone again and writes another text to Maura.

Are you ok?

She holds her phone and stares at the unanswered text messages. Maybe Maura is upset at her. She might ask about that as well next time they are together.

After a several silent minutes and the rest of the beer, her fingers deftly dial Maura's number, but it goes straight to voicemail.

She takes two deep breaths and the urge to get in the car and drive over is almost overwhelming...

Deja-vu.

She closes her eyes again...she has to get control back...she has too.

"I have to go...right now."

"Now?" The short haired male officer asks as Jane throws her clothes in a duffel bag.

"Yes. My friend...I think she is in trouble. She isn't answering her phone." Jane growls.

The man raises his eyebrows at her is disbelief.

"Jane. We are literally in the middle of this conference."

"I know." She growls back at him but he can't read her self-annoyance.

"We get to shoot at stuff this afternoon with some really cool guns."

"I know that Ralph."

"Maybe your friend is just busy right now."

Jane shakes her head.

"Maybe she left her phone at home."

Jane shakes her head again, "I called her. She didn't answer. I have to speak to her."

"Can't you get someone else to go check on her or call her."

Jane throws her packed bag over her shoulder and picks up her keys, "There's just...there's no time."

"It'll take you hours to get back to Boston. Why don't you have BPD send an officer to protect her."

Jane thinks for a moment. How Maura would react. If Maura would understand, "No," she shakes her head, "She wouldn't believe it. She...I screwed up and she won't believe me. I have to tell her directly."

"Seriously Jane?"

The tone says 'you're being ridiculous' and maybe she is, but the panic won't stop. She shakes her head but mostly to herself, "I can't sit here and just hope she will be ok...I can't trust anyone else to protect her. I have to go."

Ralph sighs in disbelief, "Ok Jane. Well...um...drive safe ok."

"Thanks." Jane says as she swings her bag over her shoulder and heads towards the exit.

Every action and step she takes feels right so she doesn't stop and turn around. Every moment putting it right provides some relief for her.

She chucks her bag in the backseat and climbs into the front. She sits there for a moment wondering how crazy this seems to everyone. Wondering if she is being paranoid. Wondering if she will think herself crazy when she gets to Boston.

Wondering what Maura will say.

But as she thinks of Maura her heart starts to beat faster in panic again. She has to go. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks.

She turns the car over and puts it in drive and heads towards highway 93.

She bites her lip trying to calm herself, slow down her heart. She has never had this kind of panic in her life. Not even when Maura was unconscious on the ground in the forest with gunmen chasing them. Not even when Maura was kidnapped. Not even when she thought Alice Sands was going after her mother. Not even when her brother was bleeding out in the morgue. Not even when she was unarmed and had a loaded gun pressed into her back.

This was different.

She took some deep yoga breaths to calm her body and her mind.

She gripped the wheel hard enough to feel every nerve ending in her hands.

The traffic is already backed because of road repairs and she grunts in annoyance.

She taps her fingers on the steering wheel slowly.

'This is going to be a long trip.' She tells herself.

Not that it matters.

She taps the wheel with her fingers and watches the slow moving traffic in front of her inch forward. Brake lights on. Brake lights off. Move forward. Brake lights on.

She sighs and taps the wheel again.

She pulls her phone out of her pocket and puts it on the seat beside her so it is ready to answer in case Maura calls her back.

"I'm coming Maura. I'm coming."

Jane is almost at her car when her phone rings, she answers without looking at the screen.

"Rizzoli?"

"Jane. Sorry I missed your texts and call. I was driving. Are you ok?"

And now she is fine. That compulsive urge has dissipated like smoke in the wind.

"I'm fine. It's fine Maura." Jane says with a sigh of relief and a smile, she knows she is over-reacting. It's not like her but she can't help it.

"What were you calling me for? Is your power still off?"

Jane stops walking and leans against her car, "I'm fine. The power is back on. I just...um...I had a question."

"Fire."

Jane chuckles softly as she runs her fingers through her hair, she doesn't bother correcting Maura, it doesn't annoy her that it's wrong...she is just glad to be able to talk to her friend at all. "Well, It's gonna sound weird, but I kinda can't feel my hands Maura. Do you think that's bad?"

"What do you mean?"

"I rubbed my scars and they didn't hurt. I didn't feel anything at all."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Maybe. Just, well, they always hurt. I just don't understand why they don't now. Is it because I hurt them?"

"It could be. You should have them examined by your doctor Jane."

"Yeah." Jane mumbles, "Maur?"

"Yes Jane."

"Did I...did I do something to hurt you? Cause I know I can be a pain in the butt sometimes but you know I don't mean to be..."

Jane hears Maura sniffle through the phone.

"God. I'm an idiot. I did hurt you. I'm sorry Maur. Really I am."

"Jane...It's fine...please don't...I am just so glad you're ok..."

Jane waits for more but there is just silence and breathing.

"What did I do Maur?"

"It doesn't matter Jane. I..I have to go. Do you want me to set up an appointment for you with the doctor?"

"Nuh...I can do that. You've done enough and I'm sure I don't deserve it. Can I...I don't know...take you out somewhere to make it up to you. Or something?"

The silence causes Jane to feel nervous for an entirely different reason. She wonders if she can ever right whatever wrong she did. And she knows Maura well enough to know that Maura probably didn't deserve whatever Jane did to her. The guilt makes her bite her lip too hard, she tastes the salty blood in her mouth and she holds her breath.

She bites her lip hard and tastes the blood. She is angry.

"Tony you prick" Jane almost screams as she slams her laptop shut hard and pulls out her phone.

She rings Maura. No reply. She doesn't leave a message. She thinks about throwing her phone but doesn't.

"Damn it. Damn it." She yells to herself. She thumps her fist against the laptop lid several times wishing she could just slam her fist against it and break it to pieces. But it won't solve anything.

"Fuck Fuck Fuck." She yells as she stands up picking up a cushion and biffing it as hard as she can against the wall. It bounces off and falls on the ground unpertubed.

She turns again and see's Ralph standing in the doorway, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide.

"What?" Jane yells at him.

"I...I..." He stutters

Jane sighs, "What?" she says in a gentler but gravely tone.

"I came to get you for the next session...but I can come back if you want...or...meet you there."

Jane pushes her hands through her hair hard, grimacing as she catches tangles and knots.

"Who is Tony?" Ralph asks as bravely as he can which comes out like a squeak.

Jane looks at him surprised, not realizing he had been there as long as he had.

"He's a criminal. Fuck...he's a damn rapist."

Ralph raises his eyebrows again at the language he isn't used to, "Jane...is Tony someone here?"

"No." Jane says roughly pulling her duffel bag out of the closet. If he was here she would have strangled him.

"What are you doing?"

Jane shakes her head like she doesn't know herself. "I have to go. I have to get back to Boston?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" Ralph asks as he watches her rush angrily around the room throwing her belongings into the bag.

"For Maura." Jane growls, "I have to go...right now."

"Jane are you there?"

"Sorry Maur."

"Where did you go?"

"I...I keep remembering bits and pieces I had forgotten. Just snippets. It's nothing. Sorry..."

"Oh...ok."

"So can I...take you out as an apology of sorts?"

"Jane, It's not necessary, really."

"I want to."

Maura sighs, "Fine Jane."

Jane smiles but she isn't sure why, "Great. Just whenever suits you."

"I can come over to your place later Jane. Would that work?"

"Sure. That would be great."

"Did you need anything else?"

"No. Thanks Maur. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

The phone hangs up and Jane puts it back in it's holder and heads back upstairs. She has to do something about this new compulsive behavior. The feelings that cause her to fly out the door and panic at unanswered calls. She used to control those feelings and now she feels like they control her. She thinks this new compulsion thing may be a problem.

She also has to get back upstairs and tidy up her messy apartment and order takeaways...again.

She takes the stairs two at a time and pauses at the top of the landing. She checks around her, something feels off but there is no-one around.

She plays with her lip between her teeth and wills the goosebumps on her arms to go away. She is sure the hair on the back of her neck is standing on end as well.

She pushes her feelings down and forces herself to carry on.

She takes a step and then almost runs for her apartment door trying to get the keys out of her pocket quickly, dropping them as she reaches her door. She bends and scoops them up and fumbles for her house key. The feeling is stronger and closer. Looming like a bad omen right behind her. She can't function, she can't think, she can't stop the fear. She drops her keys and pulls out her gun spinning on her heels and pointing the gun down the hall.

Her hands are shaking and there is nothing there except the strange feeling crawling down the back of her neck.

A figure suddenly appears almost like a ghost walking down the hall towards her, eyes down at the ground.

He is wearing the hat Frost used to wear somwtimes, before he died.

She trains her gun on him and holds her breath.

The figure doesn't seem to notice her or sense the panic he is causing. As he gets closer Jane recognizes him.

"Frost?"

The figure looks up abruptly, mildly surprised, and when he sees her he stops walking and smiles brightly at her showing healthy white teeth, the smile makes his eyes sparkle joyfully.

"Jane. Wow. What are you doing here?"

"God it's good to see you Frost. I missed you."

She holsters her gun and steps towards him like she might hug him but stops when he steps back slightly like he doesn't want her too.

"I missed you too." He says with a smirk.

He looks younger than before...and happier.

"Are you alive?" Jane asks with a frown.

"No Jane. No I'm not. Are you?"

His voice sounds confused but his face doesn't show it, he only looks happy.

"I...I think so. I mean...yeah, I am. Can I...can I touch you?"

Frost nods and Jane reaches out her hand, fingers tentatively hovering next to brown suit fabric, she pushes closer and finds thin air where Frosts arm should be. Jane frowns as her hand moves through the middle of his chest without restriction. She looks up and he smiles at her. Her hand moves towards his smile as she tries to touch his face...but there is still only air.

"I can't touch you." Her voice breaks in surprise even though she somehow expected it.

"I'm dead Jane." Frost replies with a chuckle.

Jane nods but keeps her hand next to his cheek, hovering as close to it as she can keep it.

"I don't understand how you can see me if you're alive." He says smiling as he shakes his head slowly, almost as if it's just like Jane to accomplish the impossible without problem.

Jane shrugs and gives him a half smile. Frost reaches out instinctively to touch her shoulder to reassure her and his touch makes Jane jump.

"I felt that." She gasps, "It's warm. Tingly."

Frosts smile drops slightly and his eyes lose there joyful sparkle, "Did something happen to you Jane?"

"I don't think so. You...you can touch me?"

Frost looks around, over her shoulder down the empty hall, his eyes lingering on things Jane can't seem to see.

"Are you in danger Jane?"

Jane shakes her head, "No, I'm fine."

"You're not meant to be here. You're lost." He says, his voice sad even though it doesn't show in his face.

Jane looks around, "This is my apartment building. I'm not lost. You're the one standing outside my door."

Frosts eyes meet hers and she see's a flicker of concern in them.

"I have to go Jane. You need to figure out what happened to you. What changed."

"What changed? What do you mean?"

"How you got to see through the veil Jane? Something has changed. It's not the way it should be."

Frost turns and walks away, fading from his feet upwards.

"Frost wait. What veil?"

But he has disappeared in front of her eyes.

"Frost?" She growls annoyed but there is no response.

Jane reaches up to touch her arm where she can still feel the tingling of where his fingers were. Like electricity.

Her brain races trying to understand. She walks to the end of the hall then back to her doorway but there is nothing. No Frost. She unlocks and opens her apartment door then pulls it closed again. She bites her lip and wonders what Frost was talking about. She taps her fingers against her leg and rushes downstairs towards her car completely unsure where she will go. She reaches the bottom step before remembering that Maura is coming over later so she turns and heads back up the stairs and at the top she unlocks her apartment. She steps inside feeling nauseous. Maybe she shouldn't have had two beers.

She sits down on the couch and pulls her knees up to her chest, hugging them, rocking slightly.

"What the fuck." She says out loud into an empty room, "What the fuck."

...to be continued...