CHAPTER 6
It's the step Jane takes from the sidewalk to the path that jogs her memory back to the Saturday night before the conference.
It's the same step with the same foot.
It's Maura's path leading to her front door.
And the moment she steps, everything is different.
Suddenly it's early in the evening instead of almost 2am. Instead of dark windows, the drapes are now wide open with warm yellow light glowing inside.
And she can hear voices. A male and a female. She recognizes the female voice immediately as Maura.
She also remembers the fear she had felt, that the male voice was an intruder and Maura is in danger, but when she looks through the window the fear disappears, she sees that Maura and her 'male' friend both have a glass of wine each and are standing only inches apart.
She feels a lump form in her throat as she watches them.
And Jane suddenly remembers why she is here tonight, Saturday night before the conference...not early Saturday morning a week later.
It is their night...they don't make plans per-say, or decide what they will do...but they always spend Saturday night together...but Maura has forgotten.
And tonight Jane was there...not to ask Maura why they fought last week, not for a movie night or dinner, not to tell Maura she is away for a week for a conference that only three detectives out of all of the Boston area were selected for...but before the fight, that Saturday, when she had walked up that path because she wanted to tell Maura something...a happy and scary sort of something...something very private.
Something she wanted to say to Maura when Maura opened her door very much alone.
Only Maura wasn't alone.
It was something she had wanted to tell Maura because she only just realized that a week apart was far too long of a time to be apart, to not be working in the same building or having a run and breakfast together, or dinner, or drinks at the robber, or just sitting around having a laugh. There had been other times that she had been called away for a few days or Maura had, and she had hated it, she had only survived by keep herself busy and distracted so she didn't think about how alone she felt.
Or at least that's how it felt to Jane when they weren't together, but Maura wasn't alone, Maura wouldn't miss Jane like Jane missed Maura.
Maura was too busy right now to even think about Jane.
She couldn't remember what she had planned to say exactly, she never really planned much.
It might have sounded a little like, 'I think I might love you, Maura Isles' but with many more words and probably with wide anxious brown eyes and lots of stuttering and wringing of hands.
But Maura had forgotten about their Saturday's together. And worse, Maura had made other plans that didn't include her. Maura had other friends. Male friends. Male friends that Maura hadn't told her about. Her LLBFF was keeping secrets from her and forgetting the things they usually did together.
She swallows the lump in her throat.
So now, here she is, standing on her best friends porch, with her sweet and honest words caught in her throat. And 'HE' is in there with 'her' Maura. A man she has never met or even heard of, and he is taking the glass of wine out of Maura's hands so they are free to put on him.
She wonders how many times he has been here, how many times he has put his filthy hands on her friend. How many other men Maura has welcomed into her home that she doesn't know about.
Now her stomach is in her throat...and she feels sadness...deep sadness, betrayal, confusion.
Maura is on a date of sorts and Jane had been stupidly swooning over her BFF and only just realizes...in this moment...with the separation of only a glass window between them, that her feelings have all been one sided.
She stands there in complete shock, the truth like waves that run down her body to her feet leaving her heart to feel like it has stopped each time, each painful pass. It feels like a slap in the face. Like all the color has gone out of the world. Like her body is made of lead.
Standing on her best friends porch with the confession of a lifetime and it's all futile. It might always have been futile. Were they even really friends at all.
Jane bites her tongue so she won't scream.
She grasps the window ledge so hard her fingers turn white, as she watches Maura sway slightly in this strangers arms like they are dancing to a secret song she can't hear from the other side of the glass. She feels she is on the outside looking in.
The man sets Maura's almost empty wine glass down beside his own glass and leans in closer, his eyes are full of intent and his body hovers like he is claiming her. Maura doesn't resist him, she looks up at him with a twinkle in her eyes and the sweetest little smile, and Jane wants to cry.
"Don't kiss him." Jane whispers, her breath foggy in the crisp evening air leaving a little patch of moisture on the glass.
He leans down and she leans up, just a little.
Jane can do nothing but silently beg, "Please, please don't kiss him."
But the man leans down and Maura's lips meet his, and Jane closes her eyes because she can't bear to watch. Her heart feels like a milestone dropped into the deepest ocean. Her body feels weightless. Everything hurts and every part of her body screams at her. Her brain tells her to make it stop or to forget...but she can't. She can't forget the image and she can't make it stop. She is too late. Too many missed opportunities. Maybe even just one day too late.
And she stands there now in the darkness, with the moon and stars staring at her. Her body aches again like it did that day a week ago and what she thought she wanted to remember is now burned into her mind again never to forget even though she desperately wishes she could. Maybe the crash wasn't such a bad thing. Forgetting all of it. The secret confession, the kiss...all of it.
No-one want's to remember someone they love with someone other than them. If only she hadn't come back.
She closes her eyes. Wondering if she could stop there, not quite knowing what comes next but doubtful it could in any way be good...
'We fought Jane. You were so angry.'
'The fight was my fault.'
'I don't want you to hate me again. You would have stayed away longer.'
She doesn't want to see anymore. She is 100 percent sure of that. Surely she can stop these memories here, stop with what she already knows, it's already too much. Maybe she should go home...but then Maura is expecting her, it would be rude to wake her in the middle of the night to force her to talk about something painful then say she was coming over and then not show at all.
She stands there, outside Maura's window, debating on what to do. She doesn't know how long she stands there but when she opens her eyes and stares at the darkened window she realizes she has to put this right. Her heart is still pounding against her ribs as she takes the three steps from the window to the door and gently raps her knuckles against the wood and waits for Maura to open the door.
The other her, the one from a week ago, angry and shocked and hurt...she storms the three steps to Maura's front door her feet loud, her ponytail swaying behind her, and her face hot like fire. And she pounds on the door with all her might.
Stern dark teary eyes meet a bright surprised smile. And in that moment, when she is eye to eye with this woman that lights up a room with just her smile, she can't think of a single word to say.
Maura's smile drops quickly at the dark look on Jane's face.
And then that man moves behind Maura, in the background somewhere, catching Jane's eye. Maura opens her mouth, worry creeping across her face when Jane lifts her finger and points. She points at Maura and then the man standing off behind her. And she can't speak because her throat is closing up on her. So she smashes her fist against the doorframe and news tears fall down her face.
"Jane, what's wrong?"
It was a twisted hurt that felt like it tore her heart in half and she can only scream. And when she can't scream anymore she is angry.
"How could you." Is all she can say before turning and storming back towards her car. Maura calls after her and rushes to catch her. Painful heels catching up to long angry legs. Maura grabs her arm, unafraid of her, pulling her to turn, "What did I do Jane?" Maura's voice is pleading, begging for an explanation, for understanding, her eyes asking the same.
"You didn't tell me." She replies angrily, almost instantly realizing how pathetic it all sounded out of context but not caring.
"About him?" Maura asks looking over her shoulder at the strange man still in the doorway that appears completely unconcerned about what he is witnessing, "It's nothing Jane, he's not a boyfriend...just...he's...you know..."
"No, it's not nothing." Jane spits back, "Friends tell friends this sort of stuff."
"I would have." Maura whispers with enough fear and sadness to have persuaded Jane any other day except this one.
"Obviously, Maura, we aren't the sort of friends that tell each other everything. I had it wrong...yeah? My fault. Go back inside to your 'sex toy'...let him be your friend or whatever...you know what...I don't care." She throws her arms up defensively as a sign Maura has won an invisible war, and she steps backwards toward her car. Before Maura can respond she growls, "By the way...I'm away for a week. Not that you care. I'll see you at work when I'm back...Dr. Isles."
She climbs in and slams her car door so hard the side mirror looks like it might fall off for a second.
And she drives off, the sound of the engine drowning out Maura calling after her.
She turns her phone off.
She drives home to grab her bag and get a head-start out of town.
The door opens slowly and Jane see's Maura standing there looking back at her.
Jane can't speak this time because of the guilt.
She tries but can't stop the tears that fall.
"I remember everything." Jane's voice is hoarse and broken.
Maura takes a step backwards and covers her mouth with both hands.
...to be continued...