Emma

Chapter 12

At last, Emma turned to look at her. That was a good sign, wasn't it?

The little girl had agreed to speak with Felicity, albeit reluctantly, as her body language indicated. They had settled at the outdoor playground, with Felicity sitting on the swing and Emma on one of three colorfully-painted tree stumps close by. Emma had been mostly stiff for the past twenty minutes or so of small talk. She'd been looking down at her feet or far away to avoid eye contact, and had spoken only when Felicity had asked her simple questions, mostly about school, play time, friends, and the ranch. Felicity had kept her composure and opted to go the way of patience. After all, it was mostly her fault that she was now having a hard time getting the little girl to open up and let her in. She was determined to see this through.

A significant moment of silence had passed when neither one of them spoke. But when Felicity finally found the words that Emma had unknowingly been waiting to hear, the air around them began to clear.

"I'm sorry," she had said. "It was wrong of me to not see you when you came. You traveled so far... just to ask me something. It must have been very... important."

That was when Emma looked up and turned to meet her gaze. There was no smile on her face, just an ironic mixture of hurt and hope in her eyes. "It was," she said.

Felicity swallowed hard. She didn't realize that it was going to hurt this much to know that she had indeed broken the little girl's heart. Her little girl's heart. After taking a deep breath, she added, "I'm sorry, too, for not calling sooner... for not coming to see you sooner. I wasn't brave enough then."

"What do you mean?" Emma asked, her light, higher-pitched voice losing some of the initial indifference during their small talk.

"I wasn't ready to talk then. My life has been... complicated… for a very long time. There are lots of things that have scared me."

Emma remained quiet, clearly mulling over what Felicity was saying. The girl chewed on her lower lip as her eyebrows met. She was puzzled at how a grown woman, whom she considered a genius, would be scared of talking with a little girl like her.

Felicity couldn't help but see her reflection on the expression on Emma's face. Her mother often told her that she looked exactly like that when she was working on solving a problem. Donna had once taken a picture of her when she was putting together her first computer; it had been one of her favorite headshots of Felicity.

A minute later, Emma asked, "What were you scared of?"

Felicity looked at her, and then she blinked and looked down. She replied softly, "Your question."

"What's so scary about that? You are the coolest, smartest person I've ever met. And that's saying a lot, coz I'm with really smart people five days a week. I didn't even get to ask yet."

"I may be smart up here," Felicity replied, pointing to the side of her head, and then placing the palm of her hand on her chest, she added, "but down here... I haven't been doing so well for years."

"What do you mean?" Emma asked a second time.

Felicity sighed, not sure how to make things simpler for a little girl to understand. But something inside her told her not to underestimate her daughter's capacity to understand and empathize. "It means that my heart's been hurt real bad in the past, and it hasn't healed very well."

"Oh..."

"The worse thing is, because I didn't know how to deal with my own hurts, I've made the mistake of hurting other people, too." Something in her chest tightened and then relaxed. Truth be told, she hadn't really thought of things that way before. Maybe she did, but she hadn't verbalized it to someone, or she hadn't really believed it until now. "I am so sorry that in the past weeks, I've hurt you too, Emma. I truly hope you can forgive me," she added apologetically.

The girl looked down again, drawing circles in the sandy soil with the heel of her sneakers. Felicity hoped Emma wasn't about to shut her out again.

It took a couple of minutes before Emma spoke again. But when she did, it was frank and straight to the point. "Was that why you gave me up?"

"What was?" Felicity asked to clarify. Before coming over, she had debated whether or not Emma already knew that she was her mother, because if Emma already did, Felicity was sure that this was the question that the little girl had wanted to ask her. It turned out it was, even if Emma was now asking it indirectly.

"Your hurt. You said your heart was hurt, but it didn't really get well. That made you afraid, didn't it?"

"Yes. I guess it did."

Felicity couldn't believe how perceptive and intuitive Emma was. It must be the genes from her side of the family. (She blocked the thought of Emma's biological father and his genes from her mind. Nothing about that was pleasant.) It could also be the way Emma was brought up. She really should visit Moira's grave and pay her respects. She also thought she ought to thank Oliver for taking good care of Emma and raising her well, so it appears.

At that point in her off-tangent musings, Emma asked more questions. She was on a roll. "What were you so afraid of? Didn't you have anyone who cared? Anyone who could help?"

Felicity's eyes became glassy with tears. She hadn't wanted to be so vulnerable in front of this adorable little girl, but if that was what it took to convince Emma's young mind and heart that she was sincerely sorry and willing to be honest, then so be it.

"I... I thought I did," Felicity answered, her voice trembling a bit. "But my mother passed away years ago. There was no one else. I had... no one."

The thought of thanking Oliver was quickly replaced by the long-buried yet resentful thought that he hadn't been there for her when she needed him most. Remembering how alone she had felt back then when the pregnancy test had turned up positive, how frightened she'd been to come home to Starling a scared and damaged young woman, and how devastated she'd been when Oliver had walked away at the mere sight of her with a baby in her belly – all the poignant emotions swirled and welled up within her in a painfully excruciating way that she could hardly breathe. The first person she had counted on to be on her side had abandoned her then.

"That must have sucked. Plenty."

"Emma..." Felicity's tone was only mildly disapproving.

"Sorry. It's just... You didn't even have one friend to help? I thought you and Ollie were close. Where was he?" Emma asked wondering.

Talk about rubbing it in. Emma was asking all the right questions to satisfy her own curiosity, but it turned out that the little girl who hardly knew anything about Felicity was doing more for her now with her simplistic line of questioning than the long hours of talk therapy that Felicity had spent with her counselor during her last two years of college in Central City.

Felicity was intent upon being truthful to Emma, was willing to answer more than just the girl's one important question. But she did not have the heart to answer that question. She feared it might change the way Emma saw her older brother, whom she clearly looked up to and adored. It seemed the little girl only ever saw Ollie as caring and trustworthy. Felicity did not want to burst her bubble.

But what if Oliver had changed? Really changed? What if he wasn't the same guy that walked out on her without giving her the chance to explain everything? Perhaps Emma turning out so well so far was a proof of that change, that growth and maturity. Felicity was starting to get a headache.

"Oh," she answered with trepidation, "Oliver had enough troubles of his own." She hoped that Emma wouldn't ask any more about Oliver. Thankfully, the little girl didn't.

Instead, Emma pursed her lips, and then she said, "I forgive you."

"What?" Felicity was caught by the sudden shift in their conversation.

"You said you were sorry. Twice. So, I forgive you."

Felicity was somewhat envious that Emma's little heart could forgive so easily compared to hers. People seemed to grow less resilient and understanding as they aged, she thought. She smiled and said softly, "Thank you, Emma. That really means a lot."

The little girl shrugged and sighed. She stood up and went to stand beside Felicity on the swing. Standing to face the woman she had admired a month ago, Emma said, "You know, I used to wonder why I wasn't like other kids who have mommies. I felt different, but not in a bad way. Ollie and Thea love me enough. They're the best brother and sister a girl can have. But when Ollie told me that my real mom's alive, I started to feel bad. Just a little. I thought that maybe something was wrong with me. Why would my mother not want to keep me?" The little girl rambled on, but what she was saying sure made sense to the woman who needed to hear it.

"When Ollie and I met you at STAR Labs, I had a hunch that you're her. My mom, I mean. I liked that. I wanted to see you again. But, you didn't want to see me. That made me feel bad. A lot. I only wanted to ask why you gave me up. I wasn't going to ask you to take me back, especially if you don't want to. Ollie takes care of me just fine. I just needed to understand why. My Sunday school teacher once said that everything happens for a reason. You must have given me up for good reasons, since you seem to be a really good person. Even if your heart is still broken."

A tear fell from the corner of Felicity's eye as she breathed out a relieved sigh. With a bittersweet smile on her lips, she replied, "I'd like to think that my reasons were good enough. Seeing you now… how wonderful you turned out to be… I can say for sure that I made the right choice back then. Moira and Ollie seem to have done a marvelous job. I couldn't have done the same, being your mom, when I was such a mess back then."

Emma responded, "I get it. Don't worry. I don't feel as bad now as I used to. It always helps to talk things through. John says that all the time." She winked at Felicity. Felicity chuckled. Her daughter was really something, quite mature for her age, and she was proud of it.

Felicity was glad that she came. Seeing how amazing little Emma turned out to be gave her hope that life could be better. She certainly did not have that hope to look forward to seven years ago. Everything had been bitter and bleak, as though she had no way out of the darkness but to run away from it with eyes closed, especially when no one had been there to walk her through it, except strangers like Rev. Steele and his wife, and only for a few months.

The twinkle that remained in Emma's eyes after winking at her made her heart flutter. Perhaps her life could be better than the way it was at present. She wondered if having Emma in her life would make a difference. It was as if she had finally found a significant missing piece of her life's puzzle. But did Emma feel the same way about having her mother in her life? Felicity wondered.

A/N: Hope you liked this chapter. It's still quite heavy on the heart, but in a good way, I guess, at least, for Felicity and Emma. Felicity and Oliver won't be too far behind, but the road is still going to be bumpy for a while.