I am sorry for not posting sooner. Life has been...wow...there are no words. Everyone is dealing with something sometime, I know, but sometimes it feels like the everything and the anytime are at the same time, like the whole world comes at you at once. Like life is a freight train and you forgot to get off the tracks and out of the way. Life is life. I have to wonder if I even notice the times I did get off the tracks in time to not feel the full force, I guess I don't notice, otherwise I would know what I had just missed. right?.
Keep fighting and keep loving...because that's all there really is I think.

Anyhow...that you for your comments and reviews.
I adore the detective sides of you all. Thank you for sharing and for showing me your love.
As a thank you (And a chest boast)...I do want to say that "This is gold I tell you. PURE GOLD."
I hope you love it as much as I do.

P.s. I am guessing only 2 more chapters after this one.
This ones longer the next ones shorter.

CHAPTER 7

She drove the entire first half of the trip to the conference without thinking about Maura at all. It was the second half of the trip that hurt.

She thought at first about the guy that had stolen Maura from her.

Then she thought about the time Maura and her fought and were forced to take a road trip to the lakes in the same car.

She remembers how much it felt like fighting with her siblings, except for one difference. Family is family and no matter how bad the fights with family were, they got over it because they were family...Maura wasn't family, and although the fight felt like ones she had had with Frankie when they were younger, including that urge she had to always be right, there was that deep-down worry that every terrible word or every second the anger built, there may be no returning from it.
You couldn't gloss over it because blood is thicker than water.
Maura was water not blood, she had her own ambitions, her own likes and hobbies, her own family. And Jane always knew that if she pushed too hard it could destroy their friendship. She used to think it would be her sarcasm that would cause Maura to hate her, but Maura was too gentle and sweet too be that shallow.

She had yelled at Maura. Yelled.
She was such an idiot.
It could end up being her uncontrollable anger that would destroy something so perfect in the end.
Of course she hoped she was wrong, but she was also a realist.

And so she wondered if she had pushed too hard this time, and she thought about what her life would look like if Maura was not in it. It was not completely desolate but it was bleak.

Very bleak.

Could she put it right.
Would putting it right mean she had to watch Maura date men while she pretended she was ok with it. Could they both end up happy with other people and be still friends. And, right now she was driving away from Maura. Right now every mile was a mile further from her best friend.
Every mile she drove she sub-consciously slowed down just a little like it might somehow decrease the distance between them she was creating.
But she didn't turn around.

And when she finally arrived in the early hours of Sunday morning, she got herself a motel room. And then she sat in her room thinking about Maura with 'that' guy. She wondered if Maura had taken him to her bed. If they were in bed together right now. She knew Maura had dated before but those relationships hadn't worked out, probably because Maura never put her heart it. It was all physical. No emotions. Maura was really only open and emotional with her own family and with Jane's. And those relationships were all past. This was happening now.

And then she tried to sleep. But every time she closed her eyes she saw them kissing.

Maura's soft red lips meeting his.

And every time, she woke in a full sweat, her heart so constricted she struggled to take a breath.

She would see the image like she was still on the other side of the glass. Even when her eyes were open she could see it. Like when you turn the lights off and you can still see the bright round glow from a second earlier.

She wanted to throw up...or kill him. But it wasn't her decision if Maura dated him. She hadn't given Maura another option.

She hated him more than anyone Maura had dated but she wasn't sure why.

She did not sleep well at all that night and when she woke early that morning, her entire body ached. She stretched and pulled herself to sitting but the ache wouldn't leave. It was like she had spent the night on concrete. Her head ached as well as her muscles and joints. And her heart felt like jelly from the constant changes it had gone through.

She felt like she had run a marathon.

She forces herself to get up and pull on the easiest clothing she brought with her. Loose baggy pants and a tee-shirt and decides to go for a run, maybe fresh air will help her clear her head.

A simple run proves to be too greater an expectation so she walks instead. Her mind tried to wander back to Saturday evening, looking through that window at Maura and still feeling the loss and betrayal. And every time she thought about how angry she had been at Maura...she hated herself for it.

Several times she thought about picking up her phone and texting Maura that she was sorry, but then the image of them together would cloud her thoughts and bring fresh hurt.
And so she clenched her jaw and distracted herself with the unfamiliar scenery.
Bright open parks, playing children, chirping birds.
The only way she can think to get through the week is to fully invest in a conference she didn't want to come to in the first place. Just so she doesn't think about what she has left behind.

An hour later she checks out and heads to the police orientation.

A woman with clipboard greets her with a smile, "Welcome. What is your name?"

"Uh...Rizzoli, Jane Rizzoli."

The woman scans her clipboard, flips a page and scans the other side. By the time she reaches the end of the list she is frowning.

"You are here for the conference?"

"Yeah." Jane grunts beginning to feel annoyed.

"I can't see you here. Let me check with my supervisor."

As the lady rushes off, Jane drops her duffel bag and sits in a comfy looking seat to wait. She pulls out her phone thinking she might call Cavanaugh. She skips through her contacts until she reaches his name and presses call. But it doesn't work. She presses call again but nothing happens.

"Stupid new phone." She growls half wondering if she is doing it wrong.

"Rizzoli." The lady calls as she arrives back with her supervisor.

Jane stands and nods at the supervisor. He looks flustered but tries to hide it.

"Jane Rizzoli?"

"Yeah?" Jane growls again.

"I am Mr Q. And I...we...well, we didn't know you were coming. You are a bit of a legend around here so it's wonderful to have you here. But it appears you perhaps didn't RSVP..."

"I did RSVP." Jane says as she raises her eyebrows.

"I...well...It seems it was somehow lost then, or cancelled. But never mind. We are very grateful to have you here and will sort out a private room for you immediately."

"Thanks?" Jane really wants to call Cavanaugh just to growl at him for this embarrassing situation.

"Stacey will get you a name badge and I will find you when we have sorted out accommodation." He says with an embarrassed smile. "You can head through and help yourself to the beer and nibbles."

"Sweet."

"I remember everything." Jane's voice is hoarse and broken.

Maura takes a step backwards and covers her mouth with both hands.

And they stare at each other, both waiting to see what the other will do.

Jane can see trepidation behind those teary red eyes staring back at her. And for a moment, she wonders how she looked to Maura that Saturday night. She wonders how scary and angry she came across as. She had been defensive in the past and had the odd fight, but nothing that intense at least for her. She wonders if she broke her friends trust. And she hates herself for making Maura cry at all.

"I'm so so sorry Maura. I'm such an idiot. I...I hope you forgive me."

Maura hangs her head almost in relief and let's a few fresh tears fall to the ground, her own apology lost inside her throat.

"Please forgive me." Jane begs softy, her hands reach out towards Maura like she wishes to take her hand.

Maura shakes her head unable to speak under her own burden of emotions. It's not a no...it's mostly surprise and gratitude.

"Did he hurt you Maur?"

Maura frowns at Jane confused tilting her head to the side trying to understand the question, "Who?"

Jane almost growls his name not only in disgust but in hate, "Tony."

Maura studies Jane's face, her brain wondering what Jane actually remembers from last week and how accurate her memory is.

Jane starts to panic as she prepares herself, the silence far too long to be good news, "Shit Maur-, I'm sorry. Fuck. I'll kill him."

"No Jane. No. Tony didn't hurt me." Maura reassures her while reaching out and touching Jane's elbow.

"At all?"

"Not even a hair on my scalp, Jane."

Jane sighs in relief and leans against the doorframe, letting it take the weight of her world.

Maura's face softens, "Jane, please come inside."

Maura's voice is so sweet and caring that Jane can't help but start to cry again. She lets Maura help her to the couch while she tries to get control of her emotions.
One Emotion.
Simple relief.

Maura sits beside Jane and strokes her arm to try to comfort her and Jane looks at her, only just noticing that Maura is in a dressing gown. A very fancy dressing gown.

"I'm sorry." She says again, this time because all her out of character panicking is the reason Maura isn't asleep in her bed. "We can talk later if you need to sleep."

Maura tilts her head, a clear indicator that sleeping is not going to happen now. Not after all that and that Jane is still battling her emotions.

Somehow she was not to late.

By some miracle.

Maura is hurt by her because of the way she behaved.

Staccato breaths between sniffles and Jane rubbing her nose with her arm.

Maura doesn't understand but she smiles at the sight of it. Mostly she is glad that Jane remembers what happened but isn't still angry at her.

Lack of social skills made it hard for Maura to determine what she had done that had upset Jane so much, but that wasn't uncommon for her. She often upset Jane by comments or sticking to protocols instead of following a very confusing friend code.

So she had promised herself that she would figure out what she had done and put it right. Maybe buy Jane some chocolate with specks of gold in it. Or maybe a years supply of beer. But then the crash had happened, the cause of a problem between them was suddenly unimportant.

And now Jane wasn't angry at her and she was grateful.

"Jane. Wait. Jane." She yelled at the top of her lungs as Jane's car drove off, "I'm Sorry!"

It would have been a miracle if Jane heard her over the roar of the engine and the squeal of tires but she wondered if maybe Jane's psychic abilities might pick it up, or if Jane might see her in the rear-view mirror. But the car didn't come back even though she stood on the sidewalk for five minutes waiting. Hoping. Maybe even praying just a little.

She would have waited longer but Tony was calling her from the doorway.

Finally she turned from the road towards her front door. She was hugging herself just to hold herself together.

"What was that all about?" Tony's voice was gruff and slightly impatient. He handed her a wine but she shook her head.

"No thanks."

"What happened out there?" He tries again but there is no sympathy in his voice, no genuine caring.

"I don't know." Maura says as she picks up her phone and calls Jane's number. It rings until it flicks over to voice message. Maura can't control the tears that fall as she listens to Jane's voice telling her that she can't get to the phone but will get back to her when she can and that the call is important to her. It's generic to everyone, Maura knows this, but part of her hopes her call really is important to Jane.

"Jane, please call me back. I don't know what I did but I'm sorry. I can fix it. You know I would never hurt you. Please Jane. Please call me back."

When she pockets her phone and turns, Tony is still there, sipping on his wine, one eyebrow raised, "Jane?"

"My friend." Maura says softly, hoping it is still the truth.

"I'm sure it will be fine. Do you need comforted." Tony says stepping closer to reach for her

"No." Maura says taking a step back and shaking her head, "No, I don't like to be touched when I'm very upset. Sorry."

Tony stops dead, his eyes checking her over. He squints at her like she doesn't make sense, "I thought you wanted to see where this went."

Maura closes her eyes and sighs, "I did before...but I think I'll take a rain-check. I'm not in the mood right now."

Tony purses his lips together, Maura can tell he isn't happy but right now it isn't the top of her priorities.

"Don't you want to talk about this?"

"Tony please," Maura whispers, "Please don't. I think I just lost my best friend."

Tony glares at her as she sits down on the couch and hugs her knees to her chest a tear tricking down her cheek.

He takes a step closer to her, his chest straight out, chin up, like her feels powerful enough dominate her.

"I don't know what I did." She says through quivering lips before turning to look at him.

Headlights flash up the driveway as a car pulls up and Maura is on her feet running to the window, hoping it's Jane back, hoping it was all just a misunderstanding.

"It's Angela." She says sadly as she recognizes the car and she puts her elbows on the counter and buries her face in her hands.

"I'll get going then." Tony says as he turns to walk towards the door, "I'll see you Wednesday? I have the tickets already." He says as he pauses in the doorway.

Maura can only nod.

He leaves and closes the door behind him.

They sit on the couch with space between them. Space because Jane isn't sure Maura trust's her right now, not that she would blame her.

"Are you ok?" Maura asks softly surprising Jane completely.

Jane blinks several times to register this, "I...suppose. Are you?"

"If you aren't angry with me still then I am perfectly fine. If you won'y be angry with me then I will be happy."

Jane looks down at her hands in shame and guilt, "I had no right to be angry at you Maura. You didn't do anything."

Maura studies Jane for a minute, she notices the vein in Jane's neck pulsing faster than normal, the redness on her neckline, "Then why were you upset Jane?"

It is the question Jane can't truly answer right now. It's too complicated.

Such a simple sounding question, such a complex answer. And Jane stumbles over a few syllables by way of an answer.

"I- I can't explain right now. But I am s- so sorry Maur."

Maura smiles just a little, "Then, of course I forgive you."

Jane sighs in relief and reaches out to take Maura's hand and squeezes a thank you.

"Maura, I have a favor to ask. And I know I don't deserve it at all."

"What is it Jane?"

Jane bites her lip and gazes into Maura's eyes, "Can you hold me?"

Maura barely masks her surprise before nodding.

Jane wraps her arms around Maura's shoulders and buries her face in Maura's neck and Maura puts her arms around Jane in return.

"Thank you." Jane mumbles huskily.

"I would do anything for you Jane."

When Jane sighs in relief Maura almost cries. She can feel the stress leave and the relief wash over Jane. All those times trying to teach Jane to relax and finally she is.

Jane shifts until her face is touching Maura's and she moves her hands to Maura's arms trying to make contact with as much skin as possible.

"What are you doing Jane?" Maura's voice is curious more than anything else.

"I just need to feel touch right now. I know it's weird but it helps me feel...alive." Jane mumbles her voice high and embarrassed.

Maura relaxes against her friend, "It's fine."

They sit that way in silence for a few minutes.

"Maura?"

"Yes Jane?"

"Just wondering. If I...um...hadn't come back, like I did...ending up in hospital...what did you have planned on that Wednesday night?"

"I..I had a charity dinner, Jane."

"And you didn't go?"

"No. I went. Actually I was there when...when Kent called me."

"You went alone?"

Maura shakes her head wishing she didn't have to answer or she could give a different answer, she dreads making Jane angry again and hopes she doesn't upset her again.

"My family expected a plus one. And I had already agreed to go with someone. We have the same circles. It was easy."

"Tony?"

"Tony...yes."

"The guy from the night I...yelled at you."

Maura swallows and nods.

"Yes why?"

Jane shakes her head and squeezes Maura tighter, "I'm glad I came back then."

"You're glad you almost died. Why Jane?"

"I'll tell you tomorrow."

"It is tomorrow."

"Later then."

Maura thinks about dropping it but can't, "Why did you come back Jane? And don't tell me it's because I didn't answer my phone."

"I...I had a dream the night before...about you."

Jane is beyond tired by the end of the second day of the conference. Meeting so many tutors and officers and detectives from all over America. A lot of her day had been telling the same story over and over again on constant request. Her heroic act of shooting herself to stop a corrupt cop. She was grateful to climb into bed and pull the covers over her head. She hated that story...because that story was as much about Frankie and Maura as it was about her. Maura's heroic act of saving her brother. Maura holding her hand as the paramedics lifted her into the ambulance, holding her hand the whole drive to the hospital. She couldn't see it but she could feel it. Her brain had wanted to spin in circles and her body had pleaded her to stop fighting and just sleep, but she hadn't, because Maura squeezed her hand every time she began to drift away. Every time it felt like she was drifting into a dark echoey tunnel. Maura only let go when she had to. When Jane went into emergency surgery. And when she woke up from surgery Maura's hand was holding hers again. That part was not added in her story here. Everyone only wanted to hear about the drama and suspense. The officers wanted to know about when she figured out what they wanted, when she made them, what she thought would happen when she pulled the trigger with the barrel of the gun presses into her side, if she had had some sort of medical training and knew where to shoot to not die and of course...how much it hurt. No one cared how she was able to truly survive it.

She lay in the bed wishing she could forget. Wishing that she hadn't let Maura get so close to her...steal away her heart.

She closed her eyes to try to sleep. And when she finally drifted to sleep in the wee hours of the morning she fell into a nightmarish dream, only she didn't realize it was a nightmare at first, because Maura was there, in her dream, and Maura dreams were always happy. For a few moments she thought it would be a perfectly nice dream...

Maura was sitting on her couch, her almost empty wine glass stem playing carefully between fingers. The room lit dimly, a few candles scattered across the coffee table. She looks stunning in a yellow low neck open back dress, one of the thin straps slipping down her shoulder, the slit up one side showing off a toned leg with soft white skin. It is tight fitting in the right places and flawless, and Maura looks simply amazing.

Maura looks towards the kitchen and smiles softly, it's that smile Jane loves, the closed-mouth one that shows off both her dimples at once. Even while Jane is dreaming, the image still takes her breath away.

And then someone walks towards Maura, wine bottle loosely in one hand. Jane can tell by the build and the movements that it's a man, perhaps 6 foot two. He stops in front of Maura and tips the bottle towards her glass letting the red liquid pour into it. Then he puts the bottle down and reaches his hand towards her dress strap taking it between his fingers.

Maura looks at him carefully with an almost imperceptible squint.

If he senses she is assessing him, he doesn't let on. He is bold in his movements, perhaps even presumptuous. He doesn't ask if it's ok nor does he look to see if she is in agreement with his actions.

With one finger he guides the strap up her arm and over her shoulder letting his fingers trail behind. He holds it in place and leans down to put his lips where his fingers were and presses a kiss to her collarbone.

Jane can discern Maura's hesitation. She can see the way her friend lowers her hand and leans away from him. She can tell even in her dream.

He doesn't notice. He continues to move his lips to her neck and up towards her jaw.

"Stop." Maura says gently.

The man leans back a little, "Why?"

Maura shakes her head frowning. It doesn't feel right although she isn't sure she can explain why.

"I had a really lovely night, but I'm not ready to go further right now."

Jane can see his face now, he has a manly square face and dark short hair. He purses his lips and squints at her almost unkindly, "I don't like being led on like that."

Maura swallows heavily, "I'm sorry. I just...I need some time."

He stands up straight and looks down his nose at her, "Angela is out tonight."

Jane can see the flicker of confusion in Maura's eyes.

The man puts both his hands on Maura's shoulders and pushes her backwards until she is flat on the couch, her eye's are wide with fear and shock and her chest heaves with fast shallow breaths.

"I made you look good at that charity ball...I put up with your incessant chatter. I think I deserve some sort of reward..."

And he leans down on top of her and she screams...

Jane can barely convince herself it really was just a dream as she sits on the edge of the bed drenched in sweat. Her sheets are strewn across the floor and the lamp and glass of water on the ground by the nightstand. Her knuckles are sore from her battle to fight her way out of the bed to Maura only to realize she is miles away at the conference.
Only to realise it was Wednesday and she had sleep through her alarm clock.

"Just a dream.' She tries to tell herself, "I'm just upset. It's silly."

She shakes her head thinking it was more like a nightmare. She closes her eyes and prays silently that Maura's string of psychopathic dates are well and truly behind them.
She feels distant and disconnected. She feels so alone. She wishes there was someone nearby that would reassure her. She wishes her ma was close enough to just hug.
She shakes her head...how could she be sure it was just a dream. Some thing felt like it had been trying to tell her since she arrived that something was off.
Something was off with that man that was with Maura.

She grabs her phone and tries to call.

Jane opens her eyes arms still wrapped around her friend, she pulls away from the hug to tell Maura about the dream she had, and about the background check she did on Tony, and why she rushed back that day, when some photo's on Maura's coffee table catch her eye.

The images catch her breath.

They are all the crime scene photo's from the pile-up.

Crumpled cars, most that don't really resemble cars anymore.

The top few photos are her own car, half buried in the bank of snow. The passenger side is crumpled in from the headlight to the door handle, the bonnet looks less half the length it should be. The windscreen is half torn out. There is white powder from the airbags across the dash and seats and the distance between the steering wheel and the back of the drivers seat is barely a foot. There is smeared blood on the steering wheel, some of it mixed in with the white powder.

It looks worse than she could have imagined. It looks worse than

Her words come out broken like she has gravel in her throat, "I survived that?"

...to be continued...