CHAPTER 9
A sleepless night full of ghosts, car crashes and running away from Maura's house, all jumbled up and non-sensical.
She wakes disorientated and confused and it takes several minutes to remember where she is.
The stress inside is surmounting to the physical pulls on the outside and her memories of how she felt so comfortable and strong in her own body are becoming increasingly distant.
In the beginning she could feel the distance between her and Maura. Distance like a rubber band, it had seemed to get more tense the greater the distance. Maura was some sort of lifeline and she could feel the almost physical connection. It had kept her strong...and fighting.
Only a few days ago she hated how the closeness with Maura reduced the tension, it caused her to fell powerlessness, and in turn vulnerable.
Now she misses that simple feeling of security and comfort. The ability to relax. To just be.
Back then she had fought against that pull, fought against running back to Maura just to ease the tension she felt, to relax and feel safe.
Now, the rubber band feels so tight it is physically harder to breath because her chest feels so tight. Distance hasn't seemed to change it.
The tension is there all the time, awake or asleep, close or far away.
And she feels weaker because of it.
She is beginning to feel like a ghost.
A tiredness she can't explain hangs over her and because of her inability to sleep well she is fast approaching the edge of her emotional limit.
She feels more disconnected and more stressed every day and wonders how much more time she really has left. How much longer she can possibly continue like this.
How long before she wants to be gone.
She is exhausted when the sunlight wakes her out of a restless sleep and for that waking moment she forgets where she is...and that she isn't sure where she should be anymore.
And when she opens her eyes to a bed in chaos with sheets strewn everywhere, the feeling that something isn't right hits her square in the chest.
That feeling that something doesn't fit.
Like a case that doesn't make sense,
She remembers.
She pulls her knees to her chest and runs her hands through her hair, unable to physically feel the friction against her palms anymore, but the movement comforts her.
She sighs heavily, not because of the exhaustion that overwhelms her, not because of that feeling that not existing would be easier than trying to figure this out anymore, but because of the emotions that come with the entire situation.
And the feeling that she is completely alone in all of this.
That no one understands.
She bites her lip as she thinks about what today will bring...might bring. She will talk to Maura, it's all she can do. It's the least she can do.
Frost might think it's fixable but she doesn't see how. She cannot think of a single thing that would make her feel even close to ok. Not even an unwanted hug from Ma.
Today she will talk this out because she cannot go back and not run away that weekend, she cannot not go to the conference, she couldn't un-mangle her car, and she couldn't make yelling at Maura go away either...those things had already happened, those things were in the past now...and she was without a time-machine.
She shakes her head, mostly to herself.
She picks up her phone and calls Maura to arrange a date.
"Hold her. Please, hold her." Frost voice is desperate.
Susie shakes her head, "I can't Frost. We aren't meant to interfere."
Frost sits in the passenger seat beside Jane who currently has her hands firmly gripping the wheel, subconsciously bracing herself for impact. Eyes almost fully closed and jaw tight. Time has stopped and she is unmoving as if she is a girl in a portrait or a mannequin in a window. Frost looks at her sadly like it is something truly tragic and unstoppable, "She will die if we don't help her, Chang. Please."
Susie, who is sitting in the back seat, shakes her head at him, "Frost. If this is how her life is meant to end then we must let it be."
Frost turns to Susie and shakes his head, "But this isn't her end. If it ends here then its's over. She will be dead and she isn't meant to die like this...not here, not now."
"She got here on her own Frost." Susie purses her lips sadly as she adjusts her glasses.
Frost lowers his head, "It isn't meant to be this way."
"It may not be ideal but it is the way it is...look around...it is happening right now."
"She isn't meant to be here."
"What happened? Did you do something?"
"I...tried to get her to go back...I did things...like remove her reservation from the conference...put thoughts into her dreams. I had to...for Maura..." Frost shakes his head.
"Maura?" Susie pushes her bangs off her face and looks at her distraught friend, "What happens to Maura, Frost?"
Frost shakes his head and looks outside the car, suspended in motion is the truck trailer almost fused to the car Jane was following which is millimeters from impacting her car, the impact point the left front headlight. The impact will throw Jane forward as the energy between the two moving objects collide, the contents, including people, of both cars at the mercy of physics.
"Jane ran from Maura instead of facing her fears. She ran away then...now...now she is on her way back to try to fix it...but...if Jane doesn't go back...if she dies here...Maura will be forever changed."
"How...what will happen to Maura?"
"I think Maura will be haunted by their last encounter...as well as she will lose her best friend. Then she will be vulnerable...and there is a man that might take advantage of her. She will become so so angry. Forever changed for the worse. She will not even resemble her former self."
"Nooo." Susie chokes out her lip quivering.
"And Jane will die. She will have to leave this place, this world, knowing she failed as a friend. Knowing that the consequences to Maura are her fault. Just like we know what we left behind...where we failed others."
Susie looks in the rearview mirror so she can see Jane's face. A pale face taunt with fear and panic, her hair suspended in motion around her ears from the force of the spin, her eyes closed tightly.
In the past, whenever Susie ever looked at Jane she always saw Maura, her hero, and she knew how much Maura would light up when Jane was in the room. She was sure no one but her noticed this, because no-one spent as much time in the lab together as the two of them. She had seen Maura on her best days as well as her worst days...and other than the big fight they had together...Maura's bad days were always better if Jane stopped by the lab, and Maura's good days were impossibly more magical when Jane was around. Jane brought out the best in Maura.
"And if you save her?"
"She will save Maura. A man was going to take advantage of Maura...tonight. In only a few hours."
"Hurt her?"
"Rape her. And if not tonight...if Jane dies...then another night."
Maura was Susie's hero. The one thing Susie regretted was not telling Maura what she meant to her and how it changed her own life...however short. Susie also knows that if she had told Maura what she meant to her, when she was alive, that Maura would have been that much more confident, that much more self-assured, that Maura would have helped thousands of people by completing her book in record time...and perhaps more...and the things Maura would have gone on to do.
She couldn't change any of that now...Right now though...helping Jane might just save Maura from a fate worse than death.
"Are you sure about this Frost? There will be consequences?"
"There will be...for me, but any punishment I get will be better than this. I think I can still turn this thing around and put it right." Frost says confidently shifting his hat on his head so he can see better.
Susie looks from Jane to Frost, "And...If she survives this?"
"It's hard to be sure...exactly."
"It always is."
"She...hopefully...will do what she was meant to do from the start. She won't have regrets because she will have done exactly what she is trying to do right now...save Maura."
Susie nods, "What do you want me to do?" she asks with newfound determination.
Frost smiles at her and his eyes sparkle, "What can you see is going to happen?"
Susie looks around at the scene outside the car, the trajectory of the car now and after colliding with another car, the speed, spinning off towards a bank covered in snow. "There will be two impacts. This first one will set-off the airbags and throw the car into a bigger spin probably throwing Jane around a heck of a lot, but at least her car will be thrown clear of the...other mess. The next impact will be the car stopping suddenly front first into that bank there. This could cause her head to hit the dash and the front end of the car will crush which will force the steering wheel into her torso. In my experience, there could be several fractures to her ribs, collar bone and sternum as well as the high potential of a broken rib puncturing her lung. She would be trapped. If the head wound, the lack of oxygen or the shock doesn't kill her...they probably still couldn't get her out fast enough to get medical attention to save her."
Frost nods and grins at her, "You didn't even need a diorama."
Susie smiles back, "They were always just for fun."
"Righto then. Are you ready Chang?"
Susie nods and leans through the back of the seat wrapping her arms around Jane's torso and waist, "Like this?"
"Perfect." Frost says as her moves to brace his own body between the dashboard and Jane. He takes her face firmly between his hands to stop her head being treated like a piñata, "Ready?"
Susie nods, "Ready."
Frost smiles, "Lets take this at a nice and slow speed."
The outside scene slowly comes to life, the snow starts to move so minutely that it is hard to notice unless you were looking for it. The cars slowly edge towards each other as well. Jane's car takes a full minute to move the 6 millimeters and impact the car in front, right on the front edge causing the headlight to gently shatter and the plastic pieces spray outwards like white confetti The cars scape against each other taking paint off and damaging the metal beneath, the car with the force of a tank behind it moving without restriction. Jane's car is flicked sideways and out of the way like an annoying pest. Inside the car, two passengers will protect the third with as much thought as possible as the car and it's contents begin the fifteen minute, four hundred and twelve degree spin, stopping with a deafening thud as it hits bank. Which in Jane's world lasts all of six seconds.
And when it ends Jane opens her eyes slowly and looks at Frost.
"She is looking right at me." Frost says out the side of his mouth to Susie.
"That can't be good." Susie replies quietly as she releases her grip on Jane's torso.
"I screwed up so bad Maur."
Maura shakes her head in protest, "We are fine Jane."
Jane drops her head. Fine isn't enough...fine was never enough.
"What I have to tell you is going to sound crazy. But I don't know what else to do."
Maura reaches her hand out and takes Jane's hand. She takes it and squeezes. "You can tell me anything."
The touch is cool and tingly. Jane takes a deep breath.
"I don't know how to explain...so I am going to start at the end."
"Okay." Maura gives a slightly confused frown followed by a reassuring smile.
"I think I'm somewhere in-between alive and dead and I don't know how to get back..to alive."
Maura blinks twice. Then a pause, then another blink and a head tilt. Yet the smile stays intact, "What?"
Jane huffs the breath she was holding out her nose and continues, "Something happened. And I am here but I don't really feel like I am here. Everything feels kinda strange."
Maura's smile drops completely.
"Frost thinks It might be because I should have told you something."
"What..." Maura looks completely confused, "Frost?"
"I saw him again...he told me...to fix it."
Maura shakes her head again, "I'm worried about you Jane."
"Me too." Jane says sitting up straighter, almost excited that Maura understands her concerns.
"I think I should take you to hospital."
Jane's shoulder slump, "I'm not sick Maura...I'm...like in a parallel universe because I did something that took me off the right path."
"Parallel universe?"
"Yes...maybe...I don't know. But I think I'm in danger because I'm disappearing."
"You aren't Jane."
"Not...not physically."
"Then how?"
"Arg," Jane moans loudly, "I can't explain it."
Maura looks about as confused as she did the night Jane yelled at her.
"Maur...either I wasn't meant to survive that crash...or I wasn't meant to be in that crash."
Maura bites her lip as she studies Jane's flushed tense face.
Jane puts her hands over her head and squeezes wishing everything would go away, "I need you to listen Maura, even if it doesn't make sense."
"I'm...I'm listening Jane."
"It's like I don't belong here anymore. I feel like i'm fading, like everything will carry on as if I'm not here. Only I don't want to go...not yet anyway.
Maura reaches her hand over and places over Jane's comfortingly, her brain trying to logically piece together Jane's predicament, "Jane. You had a very close call with death. That does affect people on many levels."
"Maura...I have had a dozen close calls with death...and none of them had an outcome even close to this."
Maura nods, "Right. Well...maybe some counseling might be-"
"If I told anyone else what I just told you I would be locked up in an insane asylum."
"Psychology is different now than it used to be. There are many psychical things that can cause unusual reactions in the body. Toxins. Parasites. Infections."
"I want you to forgive me."
"I forgive you Jane. I really do."
Jane smiles, "I don't want to go..."
"Don't go...I'm not sure I could bear losing you a third time in such a short space of time."
Jane squeezes Maura's hand, she feels almost nothing but holds onto the memories of how comforting and special it once felt.
"You're my best friend Jane...I want you to stay."
Jane swallows and nods. Friend...just friends. She wishes she had the courage she had that night she was going to tell Maura everything. About her feelings, her love, her desires. But her fear had forced her to keep it all inside. Once upon a time, having Maura as a friend might have been better than losing her all together. But now she may not have a choice at all.
"There is one thing that might work, but.."
"Talk to me Jane." Maura whispers gently.
"I don't want you to do anything that is uncomfortable...I just want you to be honest with me...no matter what happens. Can you do that?"
Maura's eyebrows raise ever so slightly in anticipation. "I can try."
Jane nods in a soft distinctly dismal fashion, her head and shoulders slumped, her usual confidence no-where to be seen.
"That night I yelled at you...and then left. Everything might be different if I hadn't done that...if I had done what I came over to do."
Maura doesn't interrupt.
"Maur...That day I yelled at you...I was coming over to tell you something else...and maybe if I tell you now...I can stay."
Maura raises one eyebrow.
"If I had told you then I mightn't have gone to the conference and you wouldn't have gone out with that jerk and I wouldn't have come back early and been in that crash at all."
Maura frowns, "You came back early for me?"
"Yeah. Let me explain." Jane takes a deep breath and studies Maura carefully...like it might be the last time that her friend looks at her with so much trust, and love, and caring, "I was really coming over that night to tell you that the thought of being away from you, even for a day, was excruciating...and that...I...that I..."
She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, still afraid of the reaction, "...That I...love you."
She opens her eyes one at a time, and looks into confused intense hazel ones.
Jane bites her lip as she lets her statement sink in. Her eyes wide and hopeful.
"You...love me?"
Jane nods and Maura's frown deepens.
"Yes. Maura. Very much. More than a friend."
Maura swallows, "You came over to tell me that."
Jane hangs her head in something between shame and regret, "I was coming over to tell you...but then I saw you with your date and I think I...I know I lost my mind."
Maura looks down at their interlinked hands, "You yelled at me because you loved me?"
"Love. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."
Maura doesn't look up, she doesn't move.
"But I didn't tell you. I ran away and then I tried to come back and stop what that Tony guy was planning to do to you, and I was in that crash...Karma for being a bad friend and an idiot maybe."
"Tony."
"He is a predator."
Maura purses her lips together in thought and pulls her hand away from Jane's, "You think you were saving me?"
Maura's voice is hollow and sad and not at all the reaction Jane expected.
Jane shakes her head, "I'm sorry. Maybe if I'd told you the truth that night instead of yelling at you and running off, you wouldn't have been in danger in the first place and I...maybe I wouldn't have been in that crash."
Maura closes her eyes and Jane nibbles her lip fervently, trying desperately to be patient.
"Maur...I'm wondering...how do you feel about that? About me thinking of you like that...more than friends."
Maura sighs but won't look at Jane, "I honestly don't know."
Any vague hope left for Jane falls completely away and she feels more distant than before even though that didn't seem possible. This wasn't how she expected it to go...after everything she saw with Frost she had expected Maura to be happy and her to be magically fixed. Everything simply returning to some sort of normal.
After a few tense minutes, Maura looks up at Jane, her face still confused, eyes almost unkind, "You yelled at me and then took off. And then I tried and tried to call you and you didn't answer me. And all this time I thought I had hurt you. That I had done something and screwed this friendship up..."
"I know...I'm sorry."
"And then the crash...and you almost died..."
Jane presses her palms together like she is begging, "I am so sorry Maura. Please forgive me"
Maura purses her lips, "I don't even know what to say right now Jane."
Jane is more stunned than she has ever been her whole life. She wants to say 'tell me you love me back and you forgive me'. But she can't make Maura feel anything. She wants to tell Maura that she is fading away from this reality unless Maura saves her...but that carries expectations of Maura that she doesn't want to impose...and it might not even be true. And if Maura says it but doesn't mean it...her heart might die of it's own anyway.
"I am so sorry Maur. I...do you need time to think?"
Maura shakes her head no.
"I'm an idiot in more ways than one Maur. You should know that by now."
Maura shakes her head again.
"Do you want me to leave?" Jane asks her voice a little broken, hope gone completely.
"You could have just told me you loved me without the rest of it."
Jane frowns but is grateful Maura hasn't kicked her out even if she isn't sure why, "What do you mean?"
"Today...you could have just told me that you loved me without telling me why you yelled and everything."
"Would it have made a difference?" Jane knows it wouldn't have...not today.
"I don't think so." Maura says honestly.
"Truth is Maur...I can't lie to you...and it wouldn't have been right. I was wrong and I couldn't just start fresh without setting the record straight."
"I wouldn't have known."
Jane smiles, "I would have known. Besides, How could you know I really really loved you if I kept something like that from you."
Maura sighs and starts to play with her bottom lip.
"I should go." Jane says pulling herself up off the couch. Resigned that what should have happened needed to happen at the time it was meant to. That she screwed up too bad for a few words to fix everything. Or maybe Frost has been wrong from the start and Maura would never love her back. Confirmed by the fact that Maura doesn't tell her not to leave, not to be silly, to stay.
And finally...finally she can't fix something and has no control over it.
Maura watches Jane as she walks towards the front door, the door is almost shut behind her when she hears Maura call out softly, "Jane?"
Jane pushes the door open, "Yeah Maur?" She has no expectations but says it in a way that Maura will know she isn't upset or hurt or angry.
"I will call you later...I just...I need some time."
"I know," Jane smiles, her eyes honest and soft, "I will answer my phone..." She hopes she can. She wants to call out 'I love you' as she leaves...but she won't.
The door shuts with a click behind her.
Jane sits down on Maura's front step.
She wraps her arms around her knees and feels herself fading further, her vision is starting blur and her head feels like it is pounding.
The least she can do...what she wants most before she disappears...is to protect Maura like she should have from the start. She would like to have been forgiven...but even if she can't alter anything from before today...even if Maura never forgives her...she can change the future.
She pulls her phone out of her pocket and swipes through the contacts until she finds Frankies number. She pushes the call button several times before the button works.
"Frankie. Hey...can you do me a solid?"
"Sure sis, what's up."
"You can't tell Maura though."
"I...I don't like the sound of this."
"There is a guy Maura has sort of been seeing."
"Ooohhkaayyy."
"He is bad bad news Frankie. He will hurt Maura is he gets half a chance."
"That gal sure can pick em."
"I need you to find a reason to arrest him and put him away. Look into his past, tail him...whatever you have to do to find enough dirt to get him off the streets and away from Maura for good. And make sure he stays clear of Maura while you're tailing him."
"He won't get near her. What's the name?"
"Tony Henry Colgrate Junior. Born eighth of February 1976. Lives in Boston."
"I'm on it."
"Frankie?"
"Yeah Janie."
"Look after Maura for me will ya?"
"Of course. Like she's my own sister."
"Good...thanks...You're the best you know."
"Yeah," Frankie chuckles, "I know."
"I love you bro." Jane says then disconnects the call without waiting for a reply.
And suddenly Jane feels lightheaded and weightless, "Wait...wait...I'm not ready to go." Jane cries out, pleading with whoever is in control.
She tries to stand but can't feel her feet.
"Jane?"
She spins towards the voice behind her and reaches out in front of her grabbing nothing.
"Maura...I'm sorry...I am so sorry."
Maura steps closer and her hand is now within reach, Maura reaches out to grab her friend who is looking sick and unsteady but her hands pass through Jane.
"Jane. No. Don't go."
Jane can hear the desperation in Maura's voice but isn't even sure Maura can hear her now...she knows it is her time, "I'm sorry Maur. I love you."
Maura starts to cry as she watches Jane try to grab her hands as she fades away, "Stay Jane. Stay."
"I can't." Jane says hoping Maura can hear her, "But it's ok...I am ok. Don't worry about me."
"I didn't believe you Jane...but I do now. I...I lov-"
And Jane is gone completely leaving Maura standing alone on her front step...they are gone from each other.
Jane surrounded by just white.
She looks around her, dark curls a stark contrast to the expanse of white.
White in all directions.
White above and below.
And after a few minutes of waiting for something else to happen she takes a small step forwards.
There is still nothing.
She wonders which way she should go since all the directions around her look the same. She turns on the spot, hoping she will see something. A sign. A direction. A person.
"Hello?" She calls out, her voice sounds tiny and dull.
"Frost?"
Silence.
Whiteness.
Bright emptiness.
"Anyone?"
She stops turning and takes a deep breath to stop the panic beginning to rise inside her.
The air is fresher than she remembers, lighter, more 'airy'. It fills her lungs and she feels the air enter them. She looks at her hands, they look normal, not opaque.
She runs her palms through her hair and the hairs tickle between her fingers and she feels the friction on her palms.
She bites her lip and feels the surge of blood rush to the place her tooth departs from.
She can feel everything again...and more. Maybe this isn't so bad.
After several moments of complete uninterrupted silence and feeling every heartbeat, every pulse, every eyelash touch as she blinks, she wonders if this is the end, if this is where she will be stuck, forever...completely alone.
...to be continued...
Not what you expected? not what I expected either.
One chapter to go. O.O
Thanks for sticking with me and for all you exceptional comments. You guys help me feel amazing and unworthy all in one go...and i can only say, 'you're wonderful, thank you.'
P.S Scoundrel73...had that song stuck in my head for a week after you wrote that...not complaining though cause i love that song.