Emma
Chapter 16
A/N: Hi! There is a six-month time gap between the previous chapter and this one, in case you'd be wondering. Also, if you are reading this fic in this site for the first time, I'm very happy that you decided to do so. Thank you for reading this story. It really MEANS A LOT to me that you are joining me in seeing this fic to the finish. :-)
Jealous. Oliver could not believe that he was still capable of being jealous.
After everything he'd been through that had caused him to mature prematurely into a single-parenting older brother a few months short of his thirtieth birthday, he thought he was already immune to this unpleasant, often treacherous emotion. But he couldn't help it. Each time it was their turn to come down to Central City to visit Felicity, they had always run into Ray Palmer, her colleague at STAR Labs, and he'd notice that the guy obviously had a thing for his ex-girlfriend, who also happened to be his little girl's mother. Oliver was well aware that he had absolutely no right to be jealous. He and Felicity were no longer together. That had ended rather bitterly more than seven years ago, when they had both walked away from each other.
Apologies had been given and accepted between them during their talk at the diner six months ago, and they'd been working hard to "co-parent" Emma under a special, internal arrangement that they'd both agreed to, outside the legal process in the meantime. This arrangement was convenient for all three of them, given their circumstances, and it was also working fairly well. Felicity went to visit the ranch every other weekend, while he and Emma came once a month and stayed in Thea's apartment Friday evenings to Sunday afternoon. Mother and daughter bonded over Big Belly Burger meals, strolls in the park, one-on-one computer tutorials, video gaming, movie marathons, and other girlish stuff that Oliver normally wasn't able to do with Emma as an older brother. He loved watching the girls do things together and cooking meals for them whenever they decided to spend their days in Felicity's apartment instead of going out. Everything had been going smoothly as far as those things were concerned, but even then, he felt that there was still something missing in his life and in Emma's. It wasn't until Felicity's last visit that he realized what it was.
It had been the first time that Felicity had agreed to stay with them over the weekend. Each time she'd come to visit, she had opted to stay in a bed-and-breakfast in Starling Town. But when she had visited two weeks prior, Oliver had convinced her to save her money and just stay with them at the ranch. As she and Emma had watched Star Wars downstairs, he'd been busy fixing up the guest room, which was her old room in the Queen house. It had taken him all afternoon to clean it up and make it modestly livable again. The room hadn't been messy; it was dusty due to disuse, and due to the fact that he rarely ever went into it or cleaned it because that room brought back memories he did not want to dwell on.
When Felicity left, Moira had specifically instructed the entire household not to touch Felicity's room; his mother had always held out hope that Felicity would one day find her way back home. When Moira brought baby Emma home to the ranch, his mother had shared her room with the baby until Oliver came home from Africa when she was already sick and dying. Emma hadn't wanted to be alone in a room, so the little toddler had slept beside Thea at night even after Moira had passed. When Thea left for college, Oliver honored his mother's wish and redecorated the master bedroom into a little girl's room, instead of giving Emma Felicity's old room. On hindsight, Oliver later understood why his mother had been insistent on giving her adopted little girl her own room: Moira had still hoped that Felicity and her little girl would one day be reunited.
The reunion had finally happened, and as Oliver had been tidying up Felicity's room, he'd felt as though his mother was looking down from heaven with a smile on her face. "I gotta give it to you, Mom. When the rest of us had given up hope, you had always been sure of what you hoped for," he had whispered in the silence of the room.
Oliver had looked around and sighed. Nothing much had changed in the guest room. It still looked like Felicity's room, except for the lack of photographs. He had taken them down when he realized that she was never coming back. He had only kept one – his favorite photo of the two of them that John Diggle had taken as he was helping her come down from her horse one day. That snapshot of her in his arms, of her arms around his neck, of them staring deep into each other's eyes with such fondness captured by John's camera – it had never left his wallet to this day.
That afternoon, Oliver had brought out the linens and Felicity's favorite quilted duvet. He had made her bed and vacuumed the carpet while whistling a happy tune, which he hadn't been aware he was doing until Emma had pointed it out when she happened to pass by on her way to the bathroom for pee break. The little girl had teased him about it, but he had only smirked in response.
After a sumptuous dinner, which was followed by him on kitchen clean-up duty and the girls on bedtime preps, Oliver had showed Felicity to her room. He had opened the door to the dimly lit room that smelled of lavender potpourri, her favorite scent in the world as he remembered. As soon as she sat on the bed, he had realized that bringing her there himself probably had been a mistake. Not only had he witnessed her tearing up and sniffing; he had also sensed how overwhelmed she'd been by a myriad of emotions just being inside her old room, with him standing right there and leaning against the doorpost, staring at her with longing eyes. He had quickly said good night before awkwardness turned into tension.
The thing was, his bedroom was right next to her room, and he could hear her crying softly until around midnight. His heart had ached for her. He had wanted to knock on the wooden wall that separated them, just as they'd done in their younger years whenever they wanted to stay up late and talk without Moira knowing. But he'd been well aware that things were not the same. He and Felicity were no longer together, and things would never go back to the way they used to be. Not after how badly their relationship had ended.
Oliver had been relieved that he was able to walk away from the precious sight of Felicity on her bed. They had spent countless hours doing homework together on that bed, even more hours just talking about their day, their dreams and their future. It was also on that bed that they had first discovered how amazing it was to share a tender touch and a passionate kiss, and on that bed when they had later on agreed about the limits of physical intimacy. Felicity had shyly but honestly opened up to him about her conviction to save sex for marriage, and he had loved her all the more for it. He remembered that instead of being disappointed or turned off, he had felt proud of his girlfriend and impressed by her resolve to do what she believed was right. He had respected her, and he'd told her so. While enveloping her in a loving embrace, he had given her an emphatic speech about how he was sure that she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, and how he would wait for her to be ready to be his wife someday.
Except, someday never came. Maybe it never would. All because that fateful, awful day had come first.
That night, Oliver couldn't sleep as he'd listened to Felicity crying on the other side of the wall. He'd remembered the day when Felicity came home from Boston. Pregnant. His world had been shattered to a million broken pieces. He'd been so angry that he just had to leave her sight before he could say something he would regret. He had trusted his girlfriend to keep her promise to be faithful, especially when she left for college. He had never doubted her, until that time when she had decided not to come home for Christmas on her sophomore year and gradually had become more withdrawn. He had sensed that something was wrong, but each time he'd asked her about it, she had told him that she was just stressed out with academic demands. So, he had taken her word for it every single time. Seeing her with a baby bump that he was absolutely sure he wasn't responsible for, he had been bitter. He could not believe that Felicity could cheat on him, especially since she had been the one that had asked for boundaries in their relationship in the first place – boundaries that she had been the first one to cross.
Oliver had done his part in solemnly keeping within those boundaries, until he had lost all hope of them getting back together and crossed that line himself.
While volunteering for the Peace Corps in eastern Africa, Oliver had had a brief fling. Helena Bertinelli, another volunteer from Europe, had been as miserable as he'd been – and oh, did misery love company. She was an Italian heiress, but she had walked away from the glitz and glamour after losing her fiancé in a war between the Italian mafia and the Russian bratva. Oliver still loved Felicity, but the mere recollection of her name had choked him every time. He hadn't understood how he could miss and hate the same woman at the same time. He'd kept their photograph in his pocket every day, but he had drowned out her memory by being with Helena. In time, Oliver had given in to loneliness and disillusionment and found comfort in the arms of someone he didn't love. He had become fatalistic, thinking that since Felicity had been the first one to break their promise, and that there was no use in hoping for an impossible reconciliation, he could go all in with another woman, come what may.
The affair with Helena, however, had not brought him the comfort he'd been looking for, and hence, had not lasted long. They had both recognized soon enough that a relationship between two people with ailing hearts that hadn't healed properly would never work. They had realized that they'd both taken advantage of each other's weakness and vulnerability, and that there was no coming back from that big mistake. Oliver had walked away from that mistake more damaged than before, because it had added guilt on top of the weight of bitterness he'd already been carrying since the day Felicity disappeared from his life. He had wanted to run away from his situation just as desperately as he had wanted to run away from his heartache two years prior. His mother's letter asking him to come home and take care of little Emma could not have come at a better time.
Having Emma in his life had eased the burden somewhat. Slowly, Oliver had learned how to love again, of the selfless kind that demanded one hundred percent commitment without expecting anything in return. Taking on legal guardianship of Emma had been his choice, and it hadn't taken long for him to discover how unconditional love can heal a battered, broken heart. Emma's love and adoration of her older brother was simple, but it was pure, unadulterated love. Their relationship was not tarnished by unmet expectations or tainted by a record of past wrongs. By the time Oliver read his mother's letter of confession on Emma's seventh birthday, Oliver's heart was well on the road to recovery, ready to forgive and be forgiven should the opportunity arise.
Hearing Felicity crying in the other room that night had been difficult for Oliver. He had wondered if she had anyone like Emma in the past years that had given her a reason to go on, to get up every morning despite the intermittent haunting of past failures. Maybe her best friend Caitlyn had been to her what Emma had been to him. Maybe now, choosing to love Emma was also doing wonders for Felicity. He certainly hoped it did.
Oliver was happy and grateful for their talk at the diner six months ago that had led to their present situation. Felicity's apology for disappearing from his life completely, as well as the forgiveness she had released to him for not hearing her out that day, had significantly allowed the remaining resentment in his heart to wane. There was still a lot they needed to talk about – he knew that. And he hoped that one day she would be ready to give an explanation as to why she had had someone else's child. In all honesty, he no longer took it against her – and still surprised him that he was now capable of loving her in spite of. She may never decide to tell him what he needed to hear, but he was okay with just having her in his life once again, even if it was just as a co-parent for Emma. He wished it were more, but he thought he was fine with the way things were because the three of them seemed happy.
He thought wrong.
Oliver knew that deep inside his heart he still had feelings for Felicity. The more he and Emma spent time with her – be it in Starling Town or in Central City – the more he cared about her. Only, he had to care about Felicity from a safe distance, with no strings attached.
It didn't help that there was another good-looking, eligible bachelor (who was just as brilliant and funny as she was) always hovering about her. It could be said that Felicity and Ray were a perfect match. They both loved science and technology. They had the same ambition to excel in their field. They both had quirks uniquely their own. In all fairness, Felicity had always been just nice and cordial to the guy, never showing anything beyond the bounds of professionalism and friendship, at least, as far as Oliver could tell. However, the fact that she and Ray did not have a complicated history – for lack of a better term – well, that had only triggered these very uncomfortable feelings inside Oliver each time he would see Felicity and Ray in the same room. Sometimes, Oliver thought that it was just a matter of time before Felicity would realize that she and Ray were perfect for each other and eventually fall for the guy.
If and when that happened, Oliver wouldn't dare get in the way of her happiness. After everything she'd been through, she deserved to be happy. He wanted what was best for her. She'd probably be better off settling down and living a quiet, peaceful life with a great guy like Ray.
Or not.
Sometimes he allowed himself to dream of seemingly impossible things, like getting back together with the only girl he'd ever truly loved, of being a family of three, maybe more.
Emma was sound asleep in the back seat when Oliver drove the truck into the ranch. He was tired, not of another long drive so that his little girl could visit with her mother, but of pining for the woman that may never find out how much he still loved her with all his heart. If only he could see the bigger picture...
A/N: I hope the story unfolding is getting clearer. I would appreciate your thoughts kindly spoken. If you are reading this as a Guest, I hope you will still share those thoughts with me, especially if you are reading this story here just now after following it in another site. Thank you for taking the time!