EMMA

Chapter 18: Regrets

A/N: I'm sorry for the delay in posting this. RL has been tough these past few days, what with troubles at work and my son getting sick. Also, this chapter was the most difficult to write, technically and emotionally.

Warning: This chapter implies and hints at past abuse, so if that is a trigger for you, you might want to skip the third part or skip the whole chapter altogether. You won't get the initial reveal though, but the choice is entirely up to you. I have left enough clues in previous chapters that would lead you to the same conclusion, so if you are still reading up to this point, I think that you really do not mind the content.

I believe this is the update that most readers have been waiting for, so I will keep you in suspense no longer.

Oliver was pleased that Felicity was the one who had asked that they talk, finally, and even more pleased when she had picked just the right place for them to do so – the den. He knew exactly what it meant to them years ago; he could only wish that it still meant the same to her.

The den in the Queen's ranch house had been their place. Growing up together they had spent countless hours bonding as friends and as more than friends there. It was the place where they weren't allowed to be pretentious. They had come up with an unspoken rule: when you came to the den, you had to be willing to be yourself, to be honest and, when necessary, vulnerable. Oliver sensed that when Felicity asked him to meet her in the den to talk, it was going to be the talk. He knew it wasn't going to be a walk in the park, and he had mixed emotions about it. He was looking forward to it because he needed closure for that particular episode in their lives, but he was also dreading it because he knew that the secrets she had kept from him must be so terrible to have driven her away for many years.

"She asleep?" Felicity asked Oliver, who was just getting settled on the bean bag beside hers on the floor of the den.

"Yeah, very soundly," he answered. "She must have fallen asleep right after you left the room. She was already in dreamland when I checked on her."

Felicity sighed and smiled. "It's been a long day. She must have been really tired." She paused, considering how she should proceed. Telling herself not to back out of the situation, she decided that she should skip the small talk and go straight to the point before she lost the nerve.

"She asked me about her father tonight," Felicity told him gently. She turned to look at his reaction to what she just said, and she saw how surprised he was.

"Did she?" Oliver said, as his forehead crinkled. "That's a first. She never asked me about it before."

Felicity pursed her lips and looked away. Her attention was momentarily captured by the framed pictures on top of the spinet piano. There were several photographs there, but her eyes landed on a black and white picture of Oliver waist-deep in water with his arms extended, inviting a four or five-year-old Emma to jump off the edge of a swimming pool into his strong, muscular arms. He and Emma were both grinning from ear to ear, clearly enjoying what looked like a bright, summer day.

Felicity's heart was filled with inexplicable joy and warmth at the sight. It was certainly a glimpse of how much Oliver and Emma loved each other and how strong their bond had grown in the last five years. Felicity was a also tad bit jealous, regretting that she had missed so much of her daughter's life, especially the important milestones that Emma could and should have marked and celebrated with a mother. Nevertheless, a soothing feeling of calm reassurance washed over her and chased that jealous feeling away swiftly. She was grateful and relieved at the thought of how blessed Emma had been all this time for having the Queens raise her, Oliver specifically. Her best friend turned ex-boyfriend had done a marvelous, impressive job.

"Well," Felicity finally responded, turning her gaze back to Oliver, "I can't blame her for not asking. She's had a wonderful brother loving her and raising her all this time. No wonder Emma hasn't asked about her biological father. She must be content with having you in her life."

Emma must be content with having me in her life.

Oliver's heart soared inside his chest at those words. The thought of Felicity recognizing his efforts at practically single-parenting Emma as her older brother in the last five years was perhaps the best compliment he has ever received in his life. It was nice to know that someone else, other than Thea and John, cared to notice. It definitely made his day that the compliment now came from the woman he'd loved. Still loved. He was elated, much too elated to find the words to respond.

Felicity added, "Thank you, Oliver. For everything you've done for Emma. You were there for her when I couldn't be. And more importantly, you loved her like she was your own."

He nodded and smiled, saying, "She is. I've never thought otherwise."

This time, Oliver was the one that looked away. Focusing on one of the pictures on top of the piano – the one of him beside his mother who was carrying a cute little toddler on her hip – he reminisced the day at the airport when Emma had become a part of his life.

"When I came home from Africa and met Emma for the first time, I felt completely inadequate to be a legal guardian, especially to a two-year-old girl. I actually had no idea what that meant until Mom passed away a few months after. I didn't' think I could do it. But, Emma made it easy." He paused, chuckling at a heart-warming memory of Emma planting her first kiss on his cheek that day. "I know this might sound cheesy or cliché, but really, she had me at 'hello.' She's the sweetest."

"Yes, she is," Felicity replied affirmatively. "I didn't think we would reconnect so easily. You know, I used to think she'd hate me for giving her up. It's one of the reasons why I didn't even try to look her up, and why I'd waited too long to come and see her after the two of you came to Central City. I was scared that she wouldn't want to get to know me at all. It was tough thinking that your own flesh and blood must have thought you abandoned her for flimsy reasons." Felicity paused and sighed. She couldn't believe she was once again opening up to Oliver after all these years. I felt liberating. It felt like home. "But Emma…" she went on to say, "She has this knack of making people around her comfortable. She makes it so easy learn what it means to love and be loved."

Oliver huffed out a breath and grinned in agreement. "She really does," he added confidently. He looked at her with so much adoration that she had to look down to avoid the intensity of his gaze. This was the Felicity that he'd always known – the friend that he had fallen in love with before everything in their lives went south. "I'm glad you feel that way about her, Felicity. I think that having you in her life right now is doing her a world of good. I've never seen Emma this happy."

Having me in Emma's life made her happy.

Felicity appreciated his vote of confidence enough to look up at him again, and she could tell that he was sincere. For a split second she reconsidered what she was about to reveal to him, but seeing the earnestness in his eyes, she was persuaded that she had to take the chance and be honest with him once and for all.

"Well, that makes two of us. Happy, I mean," she remarked truthfully. She can't recall a time in the last eight years when she'd been this happy for an extended period of time.

Oliver enthusiastically added, "Make that three. I'm really, really happy that you're back."

His smile faded somewhat when Felicity's countenance suddenly fell, and he wondered what had just crossed her mind that made her beautiful smile disappear. He wanted to reach out and touch her hand to reassure her that this was a safe place, a safe time when she could open up at her own pace, on her own terms. But he thought the better of it and waited.

After a minute of silence, Felicity looked at him and asked with searching eyes, "Really? I mean, are you really happy? Because after I tell you what I'm about to tell you, that might change. I'm afraid you'd see me differently. Just like that day when I came home…"

She was afraid I'd see her differently.

The thought broke Oliver's heart. He'd always thought that he had broken her heart when he walked away without giving her the chance to explain how she had gotten pregnant. But hearing her verbalize it now, hearing her confess that she had seen contempt in his eyes that day when she arrived with a baby in her belly? It tore him apart. He wanted to tell her once again how sorry he was, and to assure her that he wasn't going to walk away this time – no matter how painful her story would be to listen to. Yet, before he could apologize a second time, Felicity spoke.

"Oliver, I understand why you reacted the way you did back then. It took me a really long time, but I get it now. I must have been too wrapped up in my own pain that I had taken for granted how you would feel when your girlfriend suddenly came home pregnant without so much as a warning. It was childish and selfish of me to have left without saying goodbye, without explaining what happened, and to expect only your sympathy and not your pain… or your anger. And I know I've already apologized for disappearing from your life just like that, but I can't say it enough. I truly hope that you can forgive me."

"Felicity…"

Oliver wanted her to know that he'd already forgiven her, even before she had asked for it that day at Carly's Diner.

"I should have been honest with you from the start," she continued, "from the very first time I realized that I had gotten mixed up with the wrong crowd. You and I… We weren't just together. You were my best friend. I was so scared and confused, but I… I realized that I shouldn't have kept it from you that I was in trouble."

Oliver frowned slightly as he tried to process what she was saying. She had been in trouble, and he hadn't known. What kind of friend was he? Was that why she had found comfort in someone else and cheated on her?

"What kind of trouble?" he asked curiously.

"Remember, when I went back to MIT on my sophomore year, I told you that I joined a student group?"

He nodded, as he retrieved the memory.

"Well, it turned out… it wasn't just a regular campus organization. The guys that I hung out with, including my roommate Alena… they were hacktivists. They hated the system and used their knowledge of computers and the Internet for illegal and criminal activities. By the time I realized that I had gotten involved in some illegal stuff, too, it was too late, and they had used that to threaten me against leaving the group or telling the police or the feds. I was so afraid they'd ruin my life and I'd lose everything I'd been working so hard for."

"Was that why you became so distant? Why you decided not to come home for Christmas?" Oliver asked.

"Yes," Felicity answered, her lips quivering. "They needed me for a sophisticated hack. When I said no, they threatened to tell the scholarship committee about my previous illegal activities if I didn't cooperate."

"Felicity…"

Oliver wanted her to know how sorry he was that she had to go through all of that alone. How could he have known if she hadn't been honest with him? Had he known, he would have pulled his savings together or borrowed money from his mom and hopped on a flight to Boston in a heartbeat. Maybe he should have, the moment he suspected that something seriously wrong had been going on with his girlfriend. He should have been there to protect her and defend her from those who were taking advantage of an innocent country girl one or two years younger than them.

If only he could turn back the hands of time.

Felicity continued to explain, "I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am very sorry for not telling you everything, before it was too late. I'm sorry I kept these from you, and then expected that you would just welcome me back into your arms with nothing but sympathy and understanding when I had nowhere else to go." She looked at Oliver with regret in her eyes. "I've already apologized before for vanishing without a trace. Now I'm asking you to forgive me for not being honest with you in the first place… and for not having faith in us, enough to believe we could walk through the darkness together. I should have… I should have trusted you."

Oliver replied, "I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all of that alone, Felicity. I can say that I wish you would have told me. But all of that is water under the bridge now. I…" He paused, shaking his head in disbelief. "I had no idea. All along I thought that you had distanced yourself because… because there was someone else… that you'd met someone special. I'd taken a risk when I let you go, so that you could pursue your dreams. I… I couldn't bring myself to ask, because I was afraid you'd tell me that my worst fear had become a fact. So, I just carried on as if nothing was wrong, wishing that everything will be okay if I just gave you the space you needed. But when you came home…" His voice trembled and faded.

"Oh, Oliver…" Felicity responded, "I may have been in deep trouble then. But it wasn't because there was someone else. You were the love of my life. I may have done stupid things back then, but I have never cheated on you. Ever."

Her confession of innocence from infidelity came at him like a mighty rushing wind. It roared and bore into his ears with a forceful intensity.

She has never cheated on me.

Felicity may have kept secrets, but she had never lied to him. Her confession implied two significant things: that she loved him faithfully (perhaps until now), and that her pregnancy had been the result of having fallen victim to a horrific, hideous deed.

Within seconds, Oliver's face flushed red as blood rushed from his numbing limbs to his head. He felt his chest constrict as his heart began to pound in his chest like drum beats at the call of war. His head began to spin, and he felt as if he could no longer breathe.

The love of his life had been hurt, and he hadn't been there to protect her. What was worse was that he had maliciously accused her of cheating on him, and he had believed it to be true for years. He had even gotten Thea and Tommy on his side without them hearing hers. All along, his bitterness and misery had been based on a self-conceived lie. How quickly he had judged her then! How foolish he was to have doubted her without proof! How did he not even consider the possibility that she had been a victim and not a villain?

Who had done this to her? Had the wicked deed gone unpunished all these years? He hated those thoughts with all his might. They made his blood boil. Whoever it was that dared lay a hand on Felicity, he was going to find the creep and make him pay.

Oliver's rage and self-loathing gradually became evident to Felicity as the silence stretched between them. She could still read his tells – the way his teeth were grinding and his jaw was clenching, the way his thumbs rubbed against his forefingers and his knuckles turned white, the way his chest heaved unevenly and beads of sweat began to form on his forehead. This was exactly what he had looked like that day he'd seen her pregnant, and she never forgot.

When Felicity told him earlier that she was ready to talk, she knew that she ran the risk of him thinking differently about her, of things between them changing once again. She also knew that he might blame himself for her shame, and that because of it, he might push her away and retreat to the isolation of Guilt Land. She closed her eyes and let the tears in her eyes fall. She was sure that if he really hadn't changed after all these years, his next move would be to turn away and leave…

…in three, two, one.

When she opened her eyes, Oliver was still there.

It seemed he had shifted in place and was now kneeling on the floor, crouching low with his head down and his hands clutching the back of his neck, sobbing like a child in pain.

A/N: Now we are beginning to get answers to the difficult questions. Oliver is, and he does not like it one bit. We can hold out hope, though, because this time he did not walk away. We will find out more in the next chapter.

Please know that I have tried my best to write this out as cleanly and respectfully as I can as someone who does not approve of abuse or tolerate it. But it does happen in real life, and the consequences are dire and ugly, and I believe that I can help expose its vileness by writing strongly against it. It's too bad that a few readers in another site gunned down this fic too soon instead of giving it a chance. From the very beginning, I promised myself that I would handle this sensitive subject as discreetly and respectfully as possible. I hope I did it justice. But then again, I cannot please everybody.

Thank you once again for coming along this journey this far. It means a lot.