Crazy crazy month. I can't even begin to explain the reason for my absence. But please know the torment I have felt over the last few weeks that I have not been able to post an update. I have had about 30minutes of time to actually write anything since my last update...and most of that 30minutes was spent reading what I had already written again. But I am back. I have a little more time again. And I hope that One...I am never that busy again, and two...that you forgive me for leaving you hanging for so long. I hope the love I put into this story makes up for everything.
Blessings, Jam. xXxX

CHAPTER N1N3

"Last night, Casey asked me if we were..."

Jane pauses wondering if she should use the exact words Casey used.

"If you were what Jane?" Maura asks, looking up from the 'scientific today' magazine she was reading.

"You and me...If we were...well...together."

Missing the innuendo Maura corrects Jane's vocabulary, "You and 'I'."

"Yeah."

Maura frowns at Jane completely confused, "Right now?"

"Yes. No. Together together. You know...like LLBFF's."

"Oh?" It came out like a question. Maura is surprised. Surprised Casey would think that. Question that. Surprised Jane would tell her that Casey said that. "Oh, I see." She looks into Jane's eyes searching for a reaction but Jane looks back at her waiting for her reaction, eyes soft with a gentle curiosity and a tiny tiny hint of a smile.

All the times they pretended to be a couple had strengthened their friendship, had built a deep mutual trust between them.

For Maura she had needed Jane to help her escape from face-licker Giovani, and Jane had jumped into the role with both feet surprising Maura completely. Holding Maura like she mattered but requiring nothing in return. And she had liked it, no man had ever caused her to feel so protected, had ever been there for her so completely, so much innocent devotion.

Jane had kept up the facade around Giovani a few times after even though they hadn't needed to pretend...because even though Giovani had a body she was attracted too, his IQ was well below average and he probably wouldn't have noticed, but if Jane knew this it didn't seem to matter, Jane would never let her down.

And then when Jorge was throwing himself at Jane, Maura had implied to him that the two of them were a couple, and although Jane pretended to be annoyed by the suggestion, her eyes had said thank you.

Moments like these strengthened their bond in a way that had been indescribable.

When Jane had gone undercover as a lesbian, there had been more than usual lingering looks, gentle touches and soft moments between them that felt comfortable despite them being just friends. It wasn't awkward, it was safe and close, it was theirs.

And when Jane wanted to sleepover at Maura's during the heatwave so she could have use of Maura's air conditioning, even though she knew Maura slept naked, Jane had said "I'll bring you some PJ's. When Todd comes back...tell him I'm staying at 'your' place." When Todd, the BPD Morgue assistant that had pestered Jane did return, Maura had told him just that with a wink, "Sorry you just missed Jane, Todd, I thought you should know that she...erm...is staying at my place. If you get my drift."

At least, unlike Giovani, Todd hadn't asked to join them.

And Jane had stayed over, in Maura's bed, both in their own PJ's so neither would be uncomfortable. Jane had worn her oversized red socks tee-shirt and had looked incredibly gorgeous and relaxed, her hair tousled over her shoulders and a goofy relaxed smile on her face. So gorgeous that Maura's body was grateful that Jane turned the air conditioner on after all.

Maura had woken that morning and found Jane's arm was underneath her body, long fingers inches from her cheek and soft snoring behind her, the same breath that grazed her shoulder. She had everything but hated the feelings that stirred inside her, feelings of comfort and safety and other things she couldn't describe.

But they were just friends, 'just friends'. They both dated and slept with men. They both supported each others heterosexual relationships. They encouraged each other and gave each other advice about those relationships. They discussed sex with men so long as words like coitus or intercourse weren't used. They had discussed their weddings and futures. They were friends...just really close friends.

""What, uh, what did you tell him?" Maura asks in a way that the answer must be obvious even if she wishes it wasn't. She has to believe that Jane is telling her because it is ridiculous, even though she isn't sure it really is. She doesn't want to be hurt, rejected, to be told they really are only friends, even though they are.

"I said no." Jane shrugs unemotionally and Maura feels a little smaller even though she expected it.

"Did Casey believe you?"

"I told him about Giovani and Jorge and what he missed at my high school reunion when he stood me up and you came instead. He said he believed me but he didn't seem real happy about it."

Maura chuckles softly which makes Jane smile into her beer.

"Is it just me or are men are sooo jealous?" Jane asks weakly making eye contact.

Maura reaches across the void between them and only barely touches Jane's arm, it's light and tender and says 'It isn't a big deal, but i'm here for you anyway.

"I do agree Jane, and many men seem to have a very under developed sense-of-humor."

And then they look at each other a beat longer before looking away.

Maura doesn't go back to sleep after Casey woke her just after 7am to show her his latest pictures. The images play on her mind like an old silent movie. Frame by frame each one darker and heavier than the previous. Some were sequential, and they burned Maura like fire on her skin and inside her chest.

Forced to see Jane's suffering, Jane's fear, Jane's anger, Jane's sadness, Jane falling to pieces. And then, so briefly, Jane's relief. Relief which wasn't as freeing and whole as it should be, not even close, because relief would only be Jane's companion when and if Maura came home.

If.

If Maura went home.

If.

If Maura went home alive.

If.

A word that in Maura's mind was becoming a far to common word.
'If I see Jane again I will tell her how sorry I am for all this, for her pain.'

If.

Not that she was guessing. Just weighing up the variables, the facts, the statistics, the most likely of the endless possibilities. 'If I go home I will never miss Rizzoli dinner night again.'

It was a word she rarely put any value into because it was so unreliable.

'If I get out of here I will make it up to everyone.'

'If I go home I will finish that article I started.'

"If I get out of here alive I want to do more things on my bucket list.'

Jane weighed up the evidence in front of them and begins her theory to Maura and Korsak, "What if the victim was..."

"I don't like what if's" Maura interrupts quickly

Jane pulls a face and starts again, "Ok. Let's assume..."

Maura interrupts again,"How is that any better?"

Korsak stifles a chuckle.

What if...what if Maura was free today, what would she be doing? What would Jane be doing if she wasn't trying to find Maura? What if Casey and Jane had got married, would this still be happening? Would Casey have lost the plot like he has or would he be like before?

'If's' were a world of fantasy Maura had never engaged in...until now.

It gave her hope, hope for a miracle, hope for freedom, even just hoping to get out to be able to give Jane one more hug, see one more smile, have one more coffee together, know her friend would be ok. Those thoughts kept her sane.

If Maura went home she knew she would never want to leave again. If she could go home she would remember to tell Jane how much she meant to her more often. She would even call those reddish-brown stains 'blood' just too see Jane surprised and make her smile. She would go with Jane to every Red Sox sporting event just because she could. Life has more meaning when one has free-will control of it, but so rarely do we not have it that we forget to appreciate it, appreciate the little things.

'If Casey slips up, Jane will find me...'

Maura had painfully put the pieces together after Casey had bragged for awhile about how his game was playing out.

She had watched him act out a description of the despair and terror he caused. Watched his face show anger and hate and contempt.

Maura didn't see what Casey saw in the pictures of Jane. She wondered if anyone saw Jane like she always had. Maura saw a gentle, loyal and loving woman who acted tough and had a lot of Italian pride that she would put down easily when she needed too. Casey saw a manipulative evil game player...But then Casey's perspective was very skewed.

He was the one playing a game.

A game, like chess. A move for a move.

Casey enjoyed it as much when his opponent moved as when he did. And Maura knew he would only play like this for so long. Playing a game only one person is aware is being played would lose his interest eventually. Soon he would want to get caught, or need too, because then Jane would know the stakes of the game...and that she was playing a game.

Casey had left again a few hours after returning. Maura hated if when he left her because that was when she didn't know if he was hurting Jane.

She lay prostrate on the bed staring at the wall. Her eyes fixed on one photo. The photo of Jane running towards the victims body, her jaw set and her eyes a little wild.

There was too much fear and pain in the rest for her to look at except that one.

If it was the last picture of Jane she ever saw she would be ok with that, because she could see the determination in her friends face, she could see the fight, and she knew Jane would still be ok without her.

Jane wakes at 11am and her first thought is that Maura is alive.

She is grateful she slept well but mostly that she did not dream.

She used to wake up and have a few moments of peace before she remembered Maura was gone, and when she remembered she felt that sick heavy de-habilitating feeling in the pit of her stomach. Lately when she wakes there isn't that happy moment right before reality hits. She still wakes in the night after a dream and wishes she never woke up at all. That this whole thing was just a nightmare, a bad dream...but it's not, and the dreams can't save her from her reality.

She gets dressed slowly and makes her way to the kitchen to make a coffee. Part of her is eager to get to work and see if there are any new developments and the other part of her dreads the constant disappointment of no news or worse...the possibility of bad news.

She has felt this double-mindedness for some time now.

Loss and confusion. Hopelessness.

That shutting down would be easier. Just letting go of everything.

But she also knows that she has to push through so she can save Maura, and that she has to try no matter how hard it feels at times, that Maura would never give up on her so everyday she keeps pushing past the pain and forcing herself into action. She just takes a little bit more time than she used to. A few extra minutes dressing, eating, a few extra seconds on each step as she walks. Procrastinating.

Because she knows that all those little moments add up to a few extra hours in her day...hours where she isn't thinking about the fact that she appears to be loosing...those moments that make the day appear a little shorter.

Those multitudes of seconds are mindlessly numbing. She isn't thinking about what she is doing or why she is doing it.

But it feels like less time at BPD is less time feeling like she is failing to move forward, failing to find her friend.

She hopes she hasn't failed Maura yet, she hopes Maura is still ok.

"Jane...It's so good to hear your voice."

She has to be ok. But she also can't think about the alternative. The sheer stress of it will incapacitate her physically and mentally.

"I am fine."

When Maura called her and she knew Maura was alive she had feel on top of the world, she didn't show it to anyone, but she felt like all wasn't lost. Maura was alive. She would have to try to recapture that feeling because she needed it.

She pushes the elevator button in the BPD lobby only once. She doesn't want it to arrive faster than usual.

She doesn't watch the numbers go up. She isn't in a hurry like she once used to be.

The doors open and she takes her time walking the corridor to the bullpen. Officers bustle around her hurrying about their day but she remains calm.

When she steps into the bullpen and pauses, clutching a takeaway coffee, Korsak is at his desk and he glances at her. She makes her way slowly to her desk just as Korsak hangs up his phone.

"Sleep well Jane?"

Jane puts the coffee on her desk and takes a seat.

"Yeah, I actually did. Thank you."

"Good. You look a little better."

Jane widens her eyes and looks at him like he made a joke. Compared to earlier they both know she looks a heck of a lot more than a little better.

Korsak scratches his chin and Jane raises an eyebrow at him. That is Korsaks tell, he has something on his mind that is worrying him.

"Spit it out Korsak."

"It's nothing Jane."

Jane taps her finger on the side of her cup, usually she would let it go and wait until he was ready to tell her, but today is different, anything to do with Maura makes it all different, "It's something Korsak."

Korsak sighs already sensing Jane won't let it go and it seems to be all he can think about and there maybe a small possibility getting it off his chest will help, "Jane. You weren't on call today."

"I know. So?"

"I checked when I got back here. You were in the system dispatch. Someone put you in there. Someone put you back on call after Cavanaugh took you off."

"It was probably a mistake."

They look at each other a moment, Korsak looking for an answer he won't receive and Jane silently testing her knowledge of procedure as to whether it was even possible.

"I'm not sure." Korsak says his voice full of doubt and a hint of anger. It's unlikely it was a mistake but the alternative is that someone intentionally changed it. Nina is looking into it."

Jane nods and lets out a heavy sigh, "It could have been a mistake but...if it wasn't...well...then it's a clue and we will add it to the board. I'm not going to worry about it until we know, I can't...sweat the small stuff."

Korsak nods, frustrated at himself that he had to say anything at all. Frustrated that Jane had to be subjected to what she did, and confused as to why.

Jane looks at the unfinished pile of hotline calls to go through, so far they have all been a waste of time. There are a few extra added to the pile now but thankfully they are coming in much slower.

She flips open the folder and stares at the first page without reading it.

"I'm going to need another coffee" Jane mumbles.

"I thought you took your coffee intravenously these days." Korask says with such a straight face that it causes the corners of Jane's mouth to curl slightly into a smile.

Nina and Frankie watch the security footage. It is the worst quality they have had to work with, but then it's no surprise that Arcroft Funeral Home has not been too concerned with security. They have nothing worthwhile stealing...or at least they thought they didn't.

Frankie had smirked when he called it a 'home pre-grave robbery' and Korsak had shaken his head in dismay. Frankie consoled himself that Jane would have found it funny.

"Lisa Gills. She was a working girl. Her funeral is in a day." Korsak reads the details from the funeral home.

Nina pulls up the details on Lisa Gills and reads the autopsy notes, "It says she fought back on an attempted mugging. She was shot however she had a genetic heart condition and died of heart failure due to shock not the injury. The autopsy was done last week."

Korsak reads the notes on the screen, "Police caught the assailants. They hadn't managed to dispose of the gun and gave full confessions. It was an open and shut."

"Open, shut and open again." Frankie muses.

Korsak sits down and reads some notes in his pad, "I spoke to the victims family."

"How did they take the news?" Nina queries softly

"Not great. The funeral was going to be an open casket."

"Oh." Frankie says his voice suddenly sad and his face downcast, all joking put aside.

"Anything from the footage?"

"Nothing yet. But I am working on it." Nina says, "It's definitely a male. Approximately 5'10". He didn't park in the carpark so there is no car plates but we are checking on other camera's in the area that might have caught something. He keeps his head away from the camera almost like he knows it is there and his cap and sunglasses disguises his face. Even if the footage was clearer I doubt facial recognition would help us. I did notice that the clothing looks quite baggy under the white disposable overalls. Boots look heavy. And he is wearing gloves so we know there won't be any prints."

Korsak nods in understanding as he watches the footage loop across the screen.

"He smashed the glass and set the alarm off but he was in and out in under two minutes." Frankie adds as he has watched the footage several times now.

Korsak watches the footage as it loops over a few times. The doors to the funeral home swing open as a man re-emerges pushing a gurney with a body under a sheet. He is middle-aged, approximately 5'10". It doesn't look like he has much hair showing under his cap. There are no distinguishing features or tattoo's on the exposed hands or neck. But Korsak gets the strange feeling that some part of this man is familiar to him. Maybe the build of the guy or maybe the way he moves. Or maybe its an attitude that a certain type of person has. Korsak scratches his chin for a moment in thought. The clothing underneath is baggy but none is clearly visible though the cover-alls. He steps or stumbles slightly as he exits the building, his right boot twisting inwards slightly, twice. His build is solid and he moves in a way that is controlled. The way he holds himself, like an officer, or soldier. It's uncanny.

"Korsak?" Frankie asks after a few moments of silence.

"What?"

"I just said...It looks like the glass door might have caught a reflection of him as it swings closed, so Nina is trying to enhance it to see if we can identify him."

Korsak looks at Nina's screen as the pixelated blurry face. Hard to tell any features at this stage but the machine is working in the background to clear up the pixels of the frame.

"Send me a copy of that and let me know if you get anything off this or find anything on any other cameras nearby."

"Will do sergeant." Nina says with a nod.

"And hurry." He adds as the door closes behind him.

Nina turns to Frankie, "I know everyone here is really having a hard time with Dr. Isles being...gone...but did Korsak seem kind of, um, a little bit out of character to you?"

Frankie nods, "Yes, he did."

...to be continued...