Chapter 2- Healing And Patience Are Lovers
Welcome to the next chapter! Thank you so, so much for the positive feedback. You guys rock and I'm so happy and relieved you like this. A little fun fact, each chapter's title is a lyric from a song that fits with the mood or theme of each chapter. This chapter will focus on the early steps of Jay's recovery. Let's get into it together.
The last thing he remembered was a sharp, hot pain coursing through his chest. He has no memory of driving into a pillar nor does he recall riding in an ambulance, being stripped in a trauma room, or getting a catheter inserted in his neck and a wire pushed into his chest cavity. He fell asleep with pain, he awoke with even more pain and the fuzziest head ever. He did a groggy double blink to both clear his vision and figure out how he arrived at his current location. For a brief moment, he was convinced he'd been abducted. However, the whooshing from the tube under his nostrils and the beeping from something behind him settled his fear; it was a hospital room. His searching eyes looked down to reveal an array of wires poking out from his chest and IVs on both arms. The numerous butterfly bandages and gauze patches were hiding the hundreds of stitches on his body. He was freezing at the moment and appreciated the layers of warm blankets. He raised his right arm and brought it to his face in an effort to read the hospital band. His name and date of birth were there along with the name of the hospital, a doctor's name, and a barcode. While it didn't reveal much, it did confirm his second assumption.
It was when he tried to sit up that he noticed the mood in the room. He was met with another sharper pain and hands gently laying him back down. A voice politely told him to settle down and a blurry face calmed him, saying things went well. He was completely lost on what 'things' the voice was referring to, but it was the smile the voice gave that spiked his uneasiness. It was one of those reassuring, comforting ones you get from a sibling when you're in massive trouble and awaiting trial with a parent when they arrive home. The room he was residing in was screaming what he'd figured out. He swore there was a giant elephant sitting in a corner waving, holding a neon sign that read 'you've been found out!' Everyone knew the dark secret and was trying to be that comforter in a storm. They all had crappy poker faces. Even through the grogginess of the drugs in his system, he knew that they knew. He was silent after that, afraid to say anything that would incriminate himself even more. He closed his eyes, praying for death. In that moment, dying was more attractive than dealing with the wrath of everyone. A few minutes later, the soft sliding of a door sounded and whispers were exchanged. The door slid shut and someone took a seat on his right. He kept his eyes closed for awhile longer, somehow concluding he could keep this act up for a lifetime. The person next to him called out his bluff.
"Jay, can you open you eyes?" He didn't budge. It was the drugs messing with his judgment skills. He lay motionless, trying his best to tell Will to leave.
"Jay, I know you're awake. Come on, knock it off." Will stared at his brother for a moment, taking in the scraped up, bruised face, torso, and arms of Jay's body. He carefully pulled back the sheets to examine the source of his brother's troubles. Now knowing what he knew, it was easy to see the damage the drugs had done his brother's body. His skin was eerily pale and sunken. You could make out the outlines of his ribs and hips bones. He observed the injection marks on both arms and knees. Add all that to the wires, monitor leads, and tube under his brother's nose, Will quickly concluded Jay looked like a dying person. Someone who was weeks away from ending up in this same room, expect in a more dire situation. He was both thankful this happened now and grieving that his brother was slowly dying right in front of him, everyone too busy or self absorbed to notice what all had been going on. In a way, Jay getting in that accident was a Godsend. It sped up the inevitable. Will shuttered at the truth, retuning the sheets to the freezing body before settling back into his chair. Jay finally caved and opened his eyes, both of them in a stare down. Not one of anger but one of understanding. He could tell Jay was afraid and confused.
"You want to sit up," Will asked?
"Will.."
"No, I'm not talking to you while you're laying flat on you back. Do you want to sit up?" Jay slowly nodded, tears beginning to glisten his eyes. Jay fiddled with the pulse oximeter on his finger as Will raised the bed to a normal sitting position. He rearranged the wires on Jay's body before sitting back down. Again, they both stared at each other in silence, neither one really wanting or expecting to ever be in this moment. And yet, here they were.
"What do you want to talk about first," Will asked? Jay looked around the room as he replied.
"Why am I here?"
"What do you remember?" Will was trying his best to not sound sarcastic or ill-tempered.
"Honestly, I don't remember much of the last couple of days." Will didn't show it, but internally he was rolling into the fetal position. It wasn't uncommon for drug users to have large blackouts like this. They may appear to be functioning normally, but they wouldn't be able to recall anything. Thus the reason for their uncharacteristic behavior. They really weren't present. Will just nodded, swallowing every ounce of anger and sadness in his system.
"You were in an accident. You had a heart attack while chasing a suspect and you crashed into the subway pillar at Madison and Wabash. You were brought here and once they stabilized you and you underwent a coronary angioplasty to help correct the damage from the heart attack and…the other. Unfortunately, your arteries and heart muscle were beyond repair. You're heart cannot beat regularly on its' own and you're in acute heart failure. The wires coming out of your chest are pacing wires. They're pretty much keeping you alive and conscious right now." Jay looked down at his chest as Will spoke, taking in the severity of his current situation. He briefly cried before sucking it all back in. He did this all to himself. He knew what he was doing was wrong. But he was reckless, ignoring the warning signs and potential damage. He deserved to be in this spot. Will picked up on Jay's racing mind, already knowing where his thought process was going. He reached over to place a hand on Jay's arm, hoping to stop his mind from spiraling out of control.
"Jay, what happened is in the past. Hating yourself isn't going to change what's already done. We've got to find a way to get you back on track. I'm here, everyone is here and willing to help." Jay nodded, not making eye contact with Will. His face was a vision of regret.
"Was I alone in the car?" Will wasn't sure if he should answer. Knowing his brother, he'd never forgive himself if he knew. However, if he wanted Jay to be truthful, then he needed to do the same. It wasn't for him to decide what Jay could and could not handle.
"No, Hailey was with you." Sure enough, Jay lost it. He kept mumbling something under his breath while deeply crying, heavily heaving with every inhale. Will just stared at Jay, trying to comfort him while wanting him to realize the magnitude of it all. He wanted this to be the rock bottom. His problem had seeped into someone else's life. Will too was crying by now, distraught over the horrible unfolding of events in Jay's life. They both sat there for a few minutes lost in their emotions. It was when Jay looked up that they returned to the tense atmosphere of the room.
"Hailey's in surgery but she's expected to make a full recovery." Jay nodded as he zoned out, too shocked to really respond. Will readied himself for the next part.
"Jay, I'm not here to judge or hate you. You're still my brother, no matter what. I'm asking this out of love, how did we get here? Where did things go wrong?" Jay laid back and looked up at the ceiling, really unsure of how to justify his actions.
"Jay, I need to know what happened in order to help you." He slowly brought his head down, pausing for a moment before starting.
"Do you remember when I went undercover?" Will eyes widened for a moment.
"The one from a year ago?" Jay nodded.
"Yeah. Um, there was this…situation where they offered me stuff and I couldn't say no. I had to earn these people's trust and I couldn't fake my way out of doing it. It was a meeting with the head of the cartel and it was my final test kind of thing. I promised myself it would be that one night, I'd do it to get my way in but stop afterwards. But it felt good. I hadn't been that relaxed, that peaceful in a very long time. For a few hours, I was able to forget everything and just be free. I liked it. I kept using during the case and swore I'd get off after everything was done. I tried to stop, but withdrawal was unbearable.."
"So those weekends when you had the flu…" Jay nodded.
"I was addicted and couldn't get off it. From there, I thought if I gradually lowered my dependency on the stuff, I'd eventually wean off of it. So that's what I've been doing ever since. Until a month ago when I had this sudden, extreme urge to up the doses. That's when the blackouts started. If I didn't shoot up every few hours, I'd get the worst headaches and be super jittery. I didn't know what else to do other then keep taking the stuff." Will ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, holding back every rude or negative comment that wanted to spew out.
"Ok," he finally concluded.
"Thank you, Jay, for telling me. I..um.."
"-Wished I had told you sooner. Gotten help quicker," Jay interrupted.
"Those weren't going to be my exact words, but yes." Jay shrugged his shoulders, resuming his fascination with the pulse oximeter.
"I thought I could handle it on my own. You know me, I like to do things on my own. I'm not one to ask for help." Will nodded, preoccupying himself with a string on his pant leg.
"Where did you get the stuff and where do you keep it?" Will could tell Jay was putting up a defensive mental wall.
"I need to know so I can get it out of your place, or wherever you had it. You're ready to get rid it all, right?" Jay nodded as he relaxed a little.
"I kept stashes of whatever they asked me to deal. It would be small amounts that piled up over time. It's at the apartment and in my car." Jay voice and hands were trembling. It was the first step in recovery: acknowledging the problem and parting with it. There is no worse feeling than admitting failure in one's life and asking for others to intervene. Will was proud of Jay in that moment. It was easy to see he was scared of what all was about to happen, but it was the first time he saw his brother poke through this hollow body in front of him.
"Did you ever bring it to work?" Jay vigorously shook his head.
"Never. I may be stupid and weak, but I'm not that bad off."
"Jay, you're not stupid or weak. Even the best fall down sometimes." Jay smiled, rolling his eyes while doing so.
"You did not just quote a Howie Day song." Will laughed as he nodded.
"You caught that?" Jay gave him a sassy smirk and nod. They shared a few more half laughs before settling down, resuming their silent, solemn tenor.
"I'm sorry, Will. I never wanted this to effect you, or anyone for that matter."
"But it has, and now you have me to push you. Love you, Jay."
"I know. Love you too." A knock interrupted the Halstead's little moment. The nurse announced that Jay's room was ready. Will escorted Jay to his room in the ICU and helped him get settled in. Both brother's didn't speak about it, but the air felt lighter and the world was a little brighter. The dark cloud hovering above them vanished. They both accepted the past and were ready to embrace the unknown future.
…
Jay fell asleep for a few hours, allowing Will, Rhodes, and Dr. Charles the opportunity to discuss the detox process. It was crucial that Jay get the drugs out of his system quickly. But being too aggressive would almost certainly put unwanted strain on his heart. It became a chicken and egg debate. Each one needed the other to survive, but it was a crap shoot over which was more important. Rhodes pushed for rapid detox over five days while Charles argued for traditional detox that would take ten. Will would occasionally jump in with questions, but mostly watched the two doctors argue their side. Will eventually raised his hand to offer a third option: letting Jay decide what he wanted to do. It was Jay after all that would be going through everything, better to let him choose then have someone else force him into a plan. Jay awoke around six thirty at night to three faces staring at him, all hovering over his bed.
"Hi?!" The claustrophobia was rising. Too many eyes judging him. He could almost hear their thoughts they were so close. This partly had to do with the early signs of withdrawal, but he was sincerely freaked out by everyone. They went from closely observing their patient to taking a few steps back. The heart monitor's beeps became the back up tone you here from a large truck. The further away they got, the calmer Jay's heart rate was. Jay attempted to sit up again but was met with that all too familiar shot of pure pain. He winced as Will helped him lie back, holding his hand till the pain wave subsided. Will could feel the tremors in Jay's hand and could see the glazed over headache eyes. Withdrawal was incoming.
"You feeling alright, Jay," Dr. Charles inquired? All he got was a eyes closed nod.
"Yeah, just a little out of it I guess." The room really knew what that meant.
"Detox, are you ready for it?"
"Yes," Jay strongly replied. No further explanation or persuasion was needed.
"Ok. We have two options for you. The first is rapid detox. It would take five days to flush everything out of your system and you'd be sedated the whole time. You'd wake up with some side effects of withdrawal, but the worst would occur when you're unconscious. The other option is traditional detox. You would be awake the entire time and it would last for about ten days. We'd give you drugs to help ease the symptoms, but you'd still have a rough time." During their presentation, Will focused on the doctors instead of Jay. He wanted the decision to be entirely Jay's choice. He'd support whichever choice was chosen, but had to be Jay who made the final call.
"I'm guessing there are risks with the first option or we'd be already starting it," Jay commented. Ah, that brain was still functioning even during strong influences. Rhodes took this one.
"In your current state, the rapid detox approach poses a big threat to your heart function. It's a lot of stress on the body, including the heart. But, in the timeline of things, it would be better for you to get over this hurdle so we could solely focus on getting you approved by UNOS." Jay held a hand up.
"Whoa, wait, isn't UNOS for organ donation and matching? Why would I need to get approval from them?" He turned his head towards Will.
"You didn't tell him," Rhodes asked? Will mumbled something along the lines of waiting for the right moment. Jay kept glaring at everyone, waiting for an explanation. Rhodes rubbed his temples before replying.
"I'm sorry, I thought you already knew. Your heart failure is too far progressed for the damaged to be reversed. You're going to need a transplant pretty soon." Jay's mouth was gaping open by now, his demeanor one of unadulterated shock.
"What about..all this," he asked as he gestured to the wires in his chest.
"They're buying you time for now. You're going to need an LVAD within a week. Thus the reason we need to get you through detox quickly." The room was rather quiet for a moment, the beeps in the room the only sound and movement.
"What happens if things go wrong during the rapid detox?"
"We'd resuscitate you and bring you the OR to put in the LVAD." Jay looked over at Will.
"Do the rapid detox. I've already tried the traditional method and obviously, it didn't work. Let's get this over with." There wasn't any arguing or talking Jay out of it all. Will nodded as Rhodes left to get things set up. Dr. Charles explained the events of the next few days. The whole point of detox is to make the patient's fear of it greater than the pleasure of continuing their habits. Normally, the patient was admitted to the psych department and kept in isolation while they were under. Friends and family members were not permitted during this time. However, due to the timing and sensitivity of the situation, Will would be allowed to stay and they'd keep Jay in his room. Dr. Charles discussed the side effects Jay'd likely face: tremors, shivering, profuse sweating, pain, and nausea. They'd give him anti-nausea meds so he wouldn't vomit out his breathing tube and pain meds, but the symptoms would still occur. When he'd wake up, he'd still feel some things, but the effects would be manageable. Nurses were moving around the room at this point, pushing trays with contraptions on them that would soon be keeping Jay's body functioning. Jay's eyes would briefly dart away before returning to Dr. Charles. He was petrified for what all was about to happen. His desire for a fix was screaming in his head. He nodded at the psychiatrist, but ask him what was spoken, he wouldn't be able to tell you. Dr. Charles placed a clipboard in his hands and offered a pen.
"Sign on the bottom right…here. It's acknowledging that you were informed of the procedure and give us permission to perform it." Jay's uber shaky handwriting agreed to the mild torture.
"Ok, and this one gives us to perform life saving measures while you're under." Another shaky signature was put on the bottom of the page.
"And finally, this is a surgical consent form, allowing Dr. Rhodes to perform any cardiac procedure that is deemed necessary while you're under." Jay slowly exhaled as he initialed the final paper, still in disbelief.
"Thank you, we'll get things going soon." There was a brief moment of privacy between the two brothers. Jay used it to cry one final time while Will carefully hugged him, wary of the suturing and wires scattered on his brother's body. Will carefully ran his fingers in a circular motion over Jay's back. It was a calming tactic their mother used when they were little. The tingling relief of the nails against their skin would squelch the deepest of cries. It was her quiet, loving way of comforting them, reminding them she there was for them. Will did it out of natural habit, hoping to communicate the same message to Jay.
"You're going to get through this. You'll look back on this moment a long time from now and be proud of yourself." Will felt a head shake on his shoulder.
"You don't see it now. Give it time. You'll agree with me." Rhodes poked his head in the room. Will nodded. Rhodes pulled up a circular stool next to Jay's right side and sat.
"You ready?!" Jay sniffed a couple of times while rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah, let's do this." Rhodes clapped his gloved hands.
"Ok, this is just to relax you. You'll feel really high in a few seconds. Wait, sorry." Jay smirked as he watched the syringe get screwed into his IV port. As promised, he could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears and everything slowly faded away. Will said something to him but he couldn't make it out. He was too busy feeling that very familiar euphoria.
"And…here's the general anesthesia." Jay maybe counted to three before everything went dark. Will backed out of the way as Rhodes lowered the head of Jay's bed, prepping for the intubation. Will watched as the foot long tube easily slid into Jay's mouth and down his throat. Nurses were hanging IV bags as Rhodes listened for breath sounds. After announcing everything was in place, Jay was connected to a ventilator and IV lines began their dripping. The whole process took three minutes. Will took in his comatose brother for a moment before slipping out of the room. Jay wasn't going anywhere for awhile and did not want to witness the early stages of the medical torture.
…
"I forgot how stubborn his lock is," Will spoke through gritted teeth. He was trying to get into Jay's apartment and invited Voight and Adam for assistance. By now, the entire unit knew about Jay and were more than willing to help. Will told them he needed investigative help at the apartment, but mostly, he didn't want to do this alone. A few shoulder shoves later, the door was unstuck. To the unsuspecting eye, you'd have never guessed poisonous drugs were residing in this place. Everything was neat and tidy. Did Jay develop a bit of OCD over the last year? Perhaps. But regardless, in typical Jay fashion, the state of the place made their treasure hunt that much harder. Voight took the bedroom and bathroom while Adam took the other guest room and family room. Will claimed the kitchen and dinning area, the car saved for last. It's crazy that regardless of who uses drugs, there's this unofficial code of where to find them. Go into any place around the world and you'll find stashes in the same places; containers in the bathroom, vents, unused pots, behind books on shelves. For the next hour or so, the group compiled a single stack on the kitchen counter, each person growing more depressed as the loot grew bigger. Once the place resembled a break-in, they reconvened in the kitchen, all shaking their heads out of misery and disbelief. If there was anyone that was the least likely to pick up this habit, it was Jay Halstead. Staring at the tiny bags on the counter drove home the sad truth that no one is immune from the temptation of these life shattering vices.
"Flush it all," Will requested, Voight and Adam quickly obliging. Will returned the place to normalcy as they did the deed. He didn't have it in him to look at the stuff ever again. He also packed a bag for Jay, knowing he wasn't going to be back here for quite some time, if ever. Will pushed the upsetting thoughts aside, focusing on pairing outfits before heading for the door. They all listened to the lock click closed and slowly turned away. The two detectives volunteered to scour the car, allowing Will to head back to the hospital. Right now, Jay need Will as a caring brother instead of a sleuth. The subway back to the hospital was agonizing. One side of Will wanted to go back, strangely concluding that that solve everyone's problems. The other, more rational side kicked himself for even thinking that. As he stood for the hospital's stop, Will's whole body was shaking. The realization of everything suddenly hitting. Will put his head on the rail in the middle of the car, closed his eyes, and deeply breathed. As awful it all was, the crap was gone; out of Jay's life. Now comes the recovery part. Both physically and mentally, Jay had progressed from harm to healing. Will kept repeating that everything was fine. Jay was still here and still trying, what more could he ask for. As he made the journey to the quiet ICU room, he kept reminding himself that this was not how Jay's story was going to end. It would take more than this to take him out…hopefully.
…
"And…it's out. He's off the anesthesia now so he should be waking up in a couple of hours."
"Thanks, Connor." The surgeon nodded before slipping out of the room. Now alone, Will laid his head back on the chair and rested his eyes. The last five days were a perpetual difficult string of events. The first twenty-four hours were brutal. The convulsing and shivering were severe and Jay spiked a dangerously high fever. Jay went from being under warming blankets to getting covered in ice bags, which only made the shivering that much worse. By day two, he was having seizures every couple of hours before the fever finally broke. Despite being on anti-nausea medication, he did vomit through the breathing tube which caused a lot of mess and clean up. Thankfully, comatose Jay figured out how stupid that was and never did it again. But perhaps the most terrifying part was the condition of Jay's heart. It was like a ticking time bomb that didn't have a countdown clock. The excitement of the first couple of days made his heart rate spontaneously jump and then plummet to a crawl. Will recalled one time when his heart was in V-fib and they literally had the paddles hovering over Jay's chest and everything went normal. It was like Jay was playing some awful joke on them and Will wanted to punch his brother for it. But for the most part, his heart made it through. Granted, the strength of the muscle continued to dwindle, but the LVAD surgery was put on hold till he got through detox.
This morning, the blood test finally came back negative, giving the team the green light to awaken the sleeping beauty. Looking at Jay now, his skin had pinked up some and he looked a little fuller, which is odd because he was surviving off the feeding tube in his nose. He no longer looked like a shell, but rather, a normal, somewhat healthy human. It was shocking to witness what drugs to do the human body, but it was even more fascinating to see how quickly the body can turn things around. Will eventually fell asleep for awhile. It was funny to walk by the room and see one person asleep in a bed and another awkwardly slumped over in a chair. The two brothers had somehow connected their circadian patterns. Again, another amazing observation of the human body. Will began to resurface when he heard a quiet voice speak.
"Will?…Hey…Will."
"What, I'm up. How are you feeling?" Jay laughed while watching Will slowly maneuver out of his position on the chair. It was like watching an old man move. Will groaned the whole time, holding the small of his back for a moment. His face turning red from the glare he was receiving.
"Just don't," was the only comeback he could think of. Will concluded that this was the first time Jay was truly back in the world. His eyes were bloodshot and tired, but they looked normal. Even the little adjustments or facial expressions he made were inline with the real, normal Jay. Despite the fact that Jay was in the ICU awaiting major life changes, things were vastly better.
"So, how are you feeling?"
"Like crap. Really achey and a good headache is coming on."
"Any nausea?" Jay shook his head.
"Good, they can give you some pain meds in a little bit. You look good, man."
"Thanks…I guess," Jay jokingly replied.
"So, what's next on the agenda?"
"While you didn't get the LVAD put in while you were out, your heart muscle's function did keep decreasing. Rhodes wants to get that put in in the next couple of days. From there, we work on getting you on the list." Jay shook his head, earning a puzzled look from Will.
"What?"
"You hear about people being on 'that list' but never envision yourself having to do that. Especially at this point in life." Will nodded, very much agreeing with his brother's revelation. He glanced over at the overnight bag.
"Hey, I brought some clothes for you. Want to change?" Will assisted Jay into a sitting position and helped him swap out outfits. Jay got to briefly stand for the first time in almost a week and was astonished how weak he was. Will helped him get situated before tackling the hair. Jay hadn't washed or brushed it in five days and it was showing. The shower would have to be put on hold, but re-styling it was doable. Will ran the brush through Jay's hair all wrong, causing some irritation from the hair expert. It was a point of annoyance and hilarity and they both laughed through it all. For a brief moment, it was like going back in time to when they were kids: Will finding ways to annoy Jay and Jay fighting back. Gosh, how simple those times were.
Another big chapter! Thank you for sticking with me. I have not been in a family situation that the Halsteads are currently in, but I have a newfound respect and admiration for those that have. I cannot imagine having to watch a loved one struggle like this and the only thing you can do is sit beside your loved one and wait. My heart goes out to those that have had to endure it all.