Chapter 3- This Heart And All Its' Breaking

"Welcome back, Mr. Halstead. It's all done and everything went well," is what the OR nurse said, but Jay only heard syllables of it all. No one ever mentions how general anesthesia makes your horrifically nauseous. Jay fell asleep starving and woke up wanting to empty whatever was in his stomach. Furthermore, every inch of his body was in pain. Nodding to acknowledge the nurse was a chore. There was something squeezing his legs every few seconds that made Jay flinch. Someone told him to not move his arms and he worked himself up to move a finger. Had he known the level of pain he'd awaken to, he'd had thought twice about this LVAD surgery. Aside from the suffocating tightness in his chest, something was radiating pain on both his sides. It all was unbearably hurting and Jay wanted to see how far he could go without the meds. They offered him a sip of water to alleviate the dry, sore throat and he kept his lips glued shut. There was the ever present voice whispering, 'you want to vomit?' and it took everything to not lean over and obey. He probably would have had his whole existence not been in dire pain. Instead, he closed his eyes and fell back to sleep. The anesthesia was still prevalent in his system and he welcomed its' sedative offerings. As Jay fell back into unconsciousness, he felt things moving around and under him, voices whispering as he traveled. His final thought pertained to the next step in his journey. If this was what getting pumps inserted in your chest felt like, he could only dread that a transplant was even more miserably uncomfortable.

A hand gently fell on his own, but his eyelids weighed a ton. He moved a finger, letting the owner of the other hand know he was alive and fine, relatively speaking. Again, the whispering above freaked him out. It was a dislike he'd developed while residing in this place. Whispering meant talking about him in some way without people wanting him to know. He hated it. He hated that people thought of him as weak or unstable. He did drugs for a year, not become an erratic softie. Or, maybe that's exactly what happened. Goodness, the medical drugs were messing with his head. Jay loudly exhaled though his nose to process the growing pain all over his body. The whispering voices stopped their conversation and turned their focus towards him.

"Hey, how bad is it?" Jay cracked open a single eyelid, slowly shaking his head.

"No," he softly spoke, voice reeking of pain.

"Jay, you need them." Will watched as his brother tortured himself, finally realizing why he was refusing the relief of pain meds. It was common for recovering drug users to refuse pain medication. They were afraid of getting addicted to them. It was a valid argument, but in this case, totally crazy. There are few operations more painful than open heart procedures and improper pain management could cause more harm than good. On the other hand, Will was proud of his brother for really trying to stay sober.

"Jay, it's ok to take them. I'll let you know when it's too much. You're allowed to have them." Jay slowly, painfully, opened his eyes, revealing the tired, ache filled blue eyes. They screamed for help and Will received the cue. The nurse entered the room with two syringes.

"This is demerol and dilaudid. Do you want it?" It took a few seconds for Jay to cave. He half nodded, wincing as he felt another spike of pain. Jay watched the nurse insert the syringes into his IV port and hesitated to breathe, partly waiting for the drugs to work and partly because it hurt.

"They're in. It should start kicking in soon." Jay didn't say anything, still attempting to breathe without everything hurting. The pile of bags in the corner told him he was back in the ICU room. The place was extra dark, revealing it was either really late at night or super early in the morning. He had no sense of what time or day it was, only remembering falling asleep some time ago and waking up to all this. Someone was standing over him, but looking at something above him. He'd grown accustomed to this and wasn't as freaked out over their closeness. By now, he accepted they were there to help them. Will went back to whispering as Jay felt the soothing nature of the meds. While his pain was still there, it sunk to a level he could function with. Now feeling slightly more coherent, it was time to address the room.

"Really nauseous," he mumbled.

"I know, it's from the anesthesia. Do you want phenergan? It'll really help." Jay nodded. He didn't care it meant someone pulling the sheets down and injecting it into his hip. Anything was better than being seconds away from throwing up. It was weird he had reached this mentality of whatever. He was normally a private, closed in person but now, he didn't care what people saw or knew. He accepted the vibe of this place that they were there to help, not judge. They'd truly seen it all and nothing fazed them. For those that have never been in this moment of clarity, it's unfathomable to think that. But when you're there, you get it.

"Is it getting better," Will asked a few minutes later?

"Yeah." Will took in his brother motionless, exhausted body that now donned two lines connected to a new device on the side of Jay's bed. The kid had been through hell and the biggest hurdle was hopefully still to come. Perhaps the most surprising and uplifting thing about Jay was how oxygenated his skin looked. They decided to do the VAD surgery today because Jay's breathing had gotten worse over the last few days. While it's normal for those in heart failure, it was the first glimpse into the end. Even though he told Jay everything was fine and normal, Will was genuinely freaked out. Now on the pump, his blood was receiving more oxygen and therefore, helping him breathe a little better. But, Jay still had to stay on the cannula, much to his dislike.

"Rhodes was in here when you were asleep. He said things went well as expected. The only hiccup was that they had to do a BIVAD, which means you have two pumps doing the work of both heart chambers. But, your breathing should be a lot better now. Also, you're sternum is re-fusing so don't move your arms too much. It would be bad if it got misaligned." Jay nodded a couple of times as Will spoke, acknowledging what all happened and not really caring. If it helped keep him alive a little longer, then that was enough. Jay attempted to speak, but was met with a cough instead, encouraging a couple of curse words. Will offered him a ice cube, telling Jay to hold it in his mouth, allowing the melting cube to slowly work its' way down. The two of them sat in silence for a moment, waiting for the stomach to do it's thing. Jay somewhat shrugged after a bit, encouraged that the anti-nausea meds were working.

"It's…three thirty-five in the morning, man. Get some sleep." Jay didn't need an invitation. He blinked a few times before dozing off. Will maneuvered into a comfortable position in his cot (a gift from the nurses) and slowly drifted off, being swooned by the monitors and pumps' wave-like sounds. He must've fallen asleep for a moment before Jay woke up.

"Has anyone been here," he asked? Will grunted a, 'what?!'

"Has anyone been here, Will?" Without moving a muscle, Will replied.

"They were here for a bit when you were in surgery. We can ask them to come back tomorrow…today…whatever."

"What about Hailey?" Will sat up now.

"She's doing well. She got discharged a couple of days ago and is home resting. And yes, she came earlier. Now, get some sleep. We both need it." In no time, the two of them were totally and completely out.

…

The sharp pain was dulled a little when he awoke the next morning, but a growing bruise sensation was sprouting. It was like bruising the bottom of your foot and then stepping on it for hours. Every breath, every tiny adjustment, that agonizing bruise feeling was letting itself known. During the night, Jay would wake up every few hours in pain. Some times he'd be half awake and other times he'd fully functioning, hitting the button on his bed for a nurse. The night was a long one and the sunlight poking through the shades didn't faze the exhausted people. It was a funny metaphor, the darkness of the pain finally subsided and the welcoming sunlight of morphine made everything better. At last, the Halsteads could experience some quality sleep. It was noon when Will finally arose, glancing at his phone to a plethora of messages. He'd texted Voight at some point during the night about visitation and he finally got back to him. The messages progressed from a 'yes' to 'wondering what time' to 'saying everyone was on their way and would be there within the hour.' Will replied with instructions and directions, putting his phone down to see a tired-eyed Jay looking around the room.

"Hey, the team's gunna be here in like twenty minutes." Jay curtly nodded, the morphine probably making him spaced out.

"I want to get up."

"Ok, good! Why don't we change first." Will stumbled out of his bed and fumbled through the bag, simply pairing shirt with pants, ignoring if they matched or not. He gently held Jay's back and slowly pulled him forward. With Jay's chest wired shut, his ability to move himself up was non-existent and extremely painful. Even with Will's help, the moving of bones, surgical wires, staples, and sliced muscle made Jay wince with pain. He tried his darnedest to play it off, but he couldn't fool Will. Once the hospital gown was removed, Will took in the foot long strip of gauze down Jay's center. It was unsettling, but the thing that really got to him were the two beige cords sticking out on the left and right sides of the incision site. Jay didn't look, not ready to see what all had happened and what was still to come. They both looked at each other with reassuring faces.

"It's ok," Will blurted out, Jay only nodding.

"I need to check the incision. This is probably going to hurt so I'll go slow." Will gently pulled the tape away and ever-so-carefully tugged at the gauze, hesitating when it snagged on a staple. Jay's breathing was shaky, but he didn't stop Will. Better to suffer for a moment than endure eternal pain. The gauze did reveal bruising where the sternum was sawed and there was some dried blood on either side of the staples. Will lightly dabbed the stapling clean and applied fresh dressings. From there he disconnected the heart monitors leads and IVs before buttoning Jay's shirt. He then moved the VAD pump and oxygen tank closer to the bed. Jay began to take the cannula off but Will wasn't having that.

"Eh, nice try. That's not allowed off, ever."

"Seriously? I don't want to look like a frail old person."

"But in a way, you kind've are." Jay gave him a shocked expression as he scooted closer to the bed's edge.

"Your bedside manner is impeccable. You should teach a class on it." Will playfully slapped the back of Jay's head, earning him another horrified look. Once pants were on, Will grabbed the left arm as Jay's feet touched the cold concrete floor. He was a little wobbly, but was upright.

"Any lightheadedness or dizziness?" Jay shook his head, keeping his eyes fixed on the prize.

"Ok, don't go too fast." It was like watching the grandparent from Willy Wonka get out of bed. Jay took two or three steps before collapsing a little, Will always there to steady him. The embarrassment was glowing red on Jay's face but he eventually made it to the chair and turned around. Will carefully pushed on Jay's shoulder in an effort to relieve stress on the surgically injured abdominal muscles. Will moved the machines around the chair before raising the chair's ottoman to a normal, comfortable level. He plugged Jay's essentials back in before sitting down for a moment.

"Well that was highly embarrassing," Jay confessed as Will got up to gather things from the bathroom.

"Oh chill, you did well! Most people have to be told to get up." The morning routine of brushing teeth and hair and washing of the face was quick. Will held up a razor, offering a shave. Jay hadn't done the act in over a week and it was showing. He entered the hospital with the usual stubble, but it had blossomed into a patchy, thin beard. It didn't look good.

"You want me to do it?"

"No, no way. I'll do it." Will filled a pink bucket with water and grabbed some shaving cream, placing it all on Jay's lap. Will held a mirror as Jay's hand shook, creating a jagged shave line down his face. He made it three strokes before admitting defeat.

"Don't take advantage of this," Jay warned.

"How about we not threaten the guy with a razor blade against your neck." Will meticulously finished up the task, half listening to Jay's instructions. A soft knock sounded as Will was cleaning up the bathroom. He heard a chorus of greetings behind the closed door.

This was the first time they'd all seen Jay since he entered the hospital and Will was relieved to hear a lack of negatively or questioning. Also, he was kicking himself for thinking they'd judged Jay. They were more than teammates, they were extended family. In a crisis situation, family gathers together and overlooks mistakes, only focusing on how to make their person get through the problem. He opened the door as Jay was mid-explaining.

"So that machine is basically pumping your heart," Atwater asked?

"Umm…," Jay looked to the medical expert for this one.

"In a way, yes. His heart cannot pump enough blood to keep him alive so the pumps are compensating for that, both encouraging and taking over the heart muscle's reduced function. It's called a bridge to transplant because it's the final thing you can do before getting a new heart."

"Where is he on the transplant part? Is he on the list yet," Adam asked? Jay shook his head.

"Conner is meeting with the board today so…fingers crossed." Will took his signal.

"I promised him I'd help with the case so I'll leave you guys alone for a bit. Do you need anything, Jay? What's the pain level?"

"I'm fine." Jay's lack of an answer told Will that the number was high. He would never understand his brother's desire to be tough amongst his peers. He gave Jay a questioning look.

"I'm fine. I will let them know if it gets bad." Collective nods were given and Will worked his way through the people and out the door. He only imagined what the conversation would be like once he left.

…

It got awkwardly quiet fast. Adam and Atwater were sitting on his bed, swinging their legs off the end. Hailey and Kim grabbed the cot while Antonio and Voight leaned against the wall. Once Will left, the room turned from informative to apologetic. They weren't sure who was supposed to speak first, so they looked to each other, encouraging the other person to do it. While they weren't mad at Jay and desiring to chastise, they knew what all had happened since they saw him last. Jay didn't know how else to start this so he inquired about the case, a nice segway into his ultimate speech.

"Did you catch the guy?" Honestly, he wasn't sure who this perp was, just asking based on what Will relayed to him.

"Yeah, a couple of days ago. We found him in an halfway house posing as a homeless person. He confessed to the whole thing before we got him to the district. Guy was out of his mind high when we arrested him…oh wait.."

"-No, don't feel bad. I deserve it all." They all came back with a bunch of, 'no's' and 'don't say that's,' and Jay appreciated it, but they weren't convincing him.

"Guys, I need apologize to you all. I kept my problems from you guys for a year, ignoring the warnings and known side effects, only focusing on what I wanted versus the greater good. I was foolish in thinking I could handle it on my own. I didn't trust you guys and I'm sorry. I do appreciate the reassurance, but I messed up, royally, and now I have to suffer consequence. Which I'm more than willing to do. I'm sorry I let you guys down. I should've come to you about this and for a reason I'll never really know, I didn't. I'm committed to getting through this and earning your trust back. I'm sorry."

"Jay, we all accept your apology, but you didn't have to. We get it. We all have mistakes in our past. I won't air out everyone's dirty laundry, but each person has things they're embarrassed about, me included. We're not here to judge but to see how we can help. You may have gotten yourself into all this, but we're all with you, willing to help," Voight replied. Jay scanned the room for a moment, truly accepting the forgiving vibes they were sending. He couldn't understand easily forgiving something like this, but they were. Call it grace, call it love. They were unofficially family and he wasn't sure what he did to deserve them. The nurse came in, interrupting their moment.

"Sorry, just checking vitals." She documented the vitals and oxygen levels in Jay's chart, whispering something in his ear before he shook his head.

"Jay…" Hailey spoke with a warning tone.

"It's fine. We won't think any less of you." He rolled his eyes as he nodded, everyone smirking as the dose of pain meds went in. It was fascinating to see how relaxed Jay got after they were administered.

"I was going to throw this to you, but your catching skills are crap these days," Atwater commented, getting a shocked reaction. He got up from the bed to place a big, clear bag of joy in Jay's lap.

"You guys are so bad, thank you." It was an assortment of his favorite candy. Despite his fitness regime and healthy eating habits, candy was the one area where he let himself slide. Perhaps it was childish, but he viewed it as a necessity. Long work nights screamed for a sugar rush, aiding in his alertness level. Also, it was just too good to give up. He noted the varying gummy ring flavors, jelly beans, and sour patch kids. He loved that they'd picked up on his candy preferences.

"I'm sure they'll kill me for this, but life is short, right?" He unknowingly dove in and grabbed a small handful, eating as they talked about a new case they were working on, life happenings, desiring to keep Jay updated on life outside these walls. It was a huge morale boost. For the first time in over a week, Jay wasn't talking or thinking about himself and his problems. It was great to get back in the swing of things. Plus, he could finally thinking clearly and wholly. No longer was there a small voice reminding him to shoot up soon. Why he didn't do something sooner he'll never understand. It was great to finally be somewhat healthy again. Will came in a few minutes later, indicating to everyone that visitation was over for today. Will noticed Jay slip something to his side and decided to not say anything. In truth, he already knew about it and gave them the go ahead. He went to move the bottom half of Jay's chair down so he could get up, being stopped by Jay before he did so.

"I need to talk to Hailey real quick." You could see the tiredness in his eyes, but Will wasn't going to stop him.

"Ok, I'll stand outside for a couple of moments, you need to sleep though." Jay nodded. Will asked Hailey to hang back and she obliged, claiming the now vacant bed.

"How are you feeling," Jay asked? She looked down at her arm in the sling before responding.

"Pretty good. Doctor said everything went well and things are back in their place. The cast will come off next month. I'm doing well." She gave Jay that playful smirk he was beginning to enjoy. It was something they exchanged, each knowing what the other meant but not acknowledging or doing anything about it.

"I'm sorry you got in the middle of all this. I'm really sorry you had to be an innocent bystander. It was stupid of me.."

"-Jay, you don't need to apologize. I'm ok, you're going to be ok. Let's focus on that, alright?!" He was seriously fighting sleep right now, only blinking and half nodding. She got up and placed a soft kiss on his forehead, watching as he smiled before falling asleep. She quietly left the room, letting Will know Jay was out. He decided to leave his brother put. What Jay didn't know was that Rhodes was a few floors up, fighting for the continuance of Jay's life.

…

"Patient is a thirty-four year old male who entered the ED after a car accident. Initial evaluation and testing revealed acute heart failure and was treated with a coronary angioplasty which was unsuccessful. He was placed on pacing wires for a week before undergoing BIVAD surgery thirty-six hours ago. Post-op EKG and echocardiogram reveal the continued deterioration of the heart muscle and main arteries. The next and only option is a transplant and one that he needs quickly." Conner Rhodes watched as the panel of doctors and higher ups thumbed through the large case file, observing a page's contents before glancing at the next. It was like the scene in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix when Harry had to sit in front of a disciplinary hearing. Numerous silent and serious eyes were gazing at Rhodes as he spoke, each one trying to find something to deny his request. The silence between his speech and questioning was awful. Rhodes was afraid to blink, thinking they'd hear it. The head of the selection committee spoke first.

"Your patient entered the ED with apparent drug abuse signs and blood test revealed cocaine and heroine in his system. As you know, drug users are more often then not denied a transplant. Why does this patient need to be the exception to the unofficial rule?"

"Because he's owned up to his mistakes and under went rapid detox within twenty-four hours of being admitted. Since then, he's been clean and shown zero signs of wanting to relapse. In fact, he only speaks of regret. The way in which he came in contact with the drugs is confidential, but the situation was dire. He knew it was wrong, but did it for the greater good."

"Explain that," the harsh woman replied.

"Again, it's confidential information. I only know small parts of it all. What I can tell you is that my patient was undercover in a drug cartel and forced to take the drugs, not doing so would've blown the case."

"But he continued to use after the case?" She was really digging deep into Conner's patience. He took a breath before responding.

"Yes, after failed attempts to detox. He wanted to get rid of it all, but was scared. Wouldn't we all be if we tried to do something like that on our own? Look, this isn't in the file because I didn't want to have to use it, but my patient is a dedicated police officer out of the twenty-first district. He's a detective, actually, and a strong member of the Intelligence Unit. He has faithfully served this city for six plus years. Do we not owe it to him? Is this not a way for us to thank him for his service? He made a mistake, we all know that. But he's made giant steps to turning his life around. Why would we deny him life for one mishap. Would any of us be here if life ruled that way?" The room was quiet for a moment, heads nodding as they turned to their leader. Rhodes relished in his silent victory. He didn't break eye contact with the nosy woman.

"Ok. Dr. Charles, you've interacted with the patient, does he get your approval?"

"I've met the patient several times over the last few years and I've come to respect him. Even meeting with him in those early hours after his admission, he was very much sorrowful and regretful, fully realizing how his actions played a role in his current predicament. I would recommend he be put on UNOS' list immediately. However, I could include a caveat: he must enter a rehab program within sixty days after surgery and be under continuous supervision till that point."

"But Dr. Charles, what kind of message does that tell other people on the list who did everything right and still end up in the same situation? There are people on that list who've been there for years, each one with heartfelt stories similar to this patient." Dr. Charles looked to Conner for a moment, each mentally communicating with the other.

"We could sit here for days debating this one, but that's not the point of this meeting. The whole reason this list was invented was to analyze a patient's facts and post-op quality of life and then arrange them based on who needed help sooner than the others. I don't need to tell you this, but I feel the need to remind everyone. This patient is young, relatively healthy, and dedicated to doing whatever is necessary to care for himself post-surgery. Furthermore, he has—what—a couple more weeks? It's not sending a message that we care about public servant more than the general public nor is it us saying drug addicts are not held accountable. We are saying that this person's only way to live is with our help, and we are willing to fill that need." All eyes turned back towards the meeting's leader.

"Thank you, Dr. Rhodes. We will take everything into consideration and let you know in a few hours. Keep your phone handy." It took everything in him to not bolt for the door. The air was suffocating him and he wanted out of all this. On the elevator ride to the ICU, he kept going back and forth, wondering if he sealed the deal or just handed Jay his death notice.

…

Jay was halfway back in bed when Conner slid the door open, a hopeful set of faces turning to greet him. It was clear that Jay was embarrassed to have an audience watching him slowly maneuver into bed, so Rhodes went to grab the wand and monitor for the echocardiogram. This and an EKG were done daily in an effort to carefully track Jay's declining heart function. He returned a few minutes later, pretending everything was running per the norm. He picked up his stethoscope and rubbed the bottom of it before gently pressing it on Jay's chest.

"Well?! When do we find out." Conner shushed Will, focusing on the rhythm and beats of Jay's heart. He moved from the left to the right of Jay's chest before helping him sit up and listening to his lungs on his back. He carefully rested Jay against the pillows before speaking.

"It was hard to read the room but I did my best. Daniel also helped a lot so we'll see. They'll call me in a couple of hours." He turned his focus towards his patient.

"We're going to up the oxygen intake for a bit and if that doesn't work, we'll move to a mask. Which I know you'll love." Jay rolled his eyes, humoring the surgeon.

"How bad is the breathing?"

"It's just all really tight. I thought it was just from the surgery and pumps."

"Well, it's a combo of both. But your lungs sounds aren't all that great." From there, the EKG and echocardiogram were completed, each telling what they all already knew. He added steroids and blood thinners to Jay's drug regimen before leaving to attend to his other patients. He felt his phone buzz as he clicked the elevator button. His hand instantly shook as he recognized the ordering of the ten digits. He swallow his dread before answering.

"This is Rhodes," he replied, doing his best impression of unfazed.

"Dr. Rhodes, this is Charlotte Mack from UNOS. I wanted to thank you for meeting with the board earlier today. I appreciate your dedication to your patient and I have to say I was touched by his situation." Rhodes swallowed as she spoke, waving his hand in a circle trying to speed her speech along.

"We have voted to place your patient on the list and he is at the top. Good luck to you." It took everything in him to not scream and run down the halls.

"Thank you, Ms. Mack. I appreciate your willingness to help." He made sure he hung up before letting it all out. Everyone remembers the Peter Benton celebration. Conner Rhodes' was something like that, but add the Rocky stance at the top of the steps. He got weird looks from people but did not care at all. He sat there on the floor for a few seconds, taking in the miracle that just occurred. He whispered something as he looked towards the ceiling, recognizing only He could've pulled off something like that. A burst of energy bubbled up in him, yelling at him to run down the hall. Will and Jay were talking as he landed against the door and dramatically slid it open.

"You made it. You're on the list," Conner panted at the doorway. Will gasped as his eyes went wide. Jay replied with a 'holy shit,' before apologizing for the foul language.

In a way, the moment was sadly poetic. A heart that had beat for him since week three in his mother's womb was giving up its' fight. Through every sickness, struggle, victory, and exhilarating moment, the fist size organ was there for him; pumping life into his veins. And now, because of his carelessness, he had to part ways with his longest companion in order to live. Part of him didn't care that that's the way things had to be. On the flip side though, he felt like a failure. Something that was always there for him, asking for not a lot in return, and he couldn't stay strong enough to fight for it. But, what really drove home the gravity of everything was the fact that someone would have to make the ultimate sacrifice on his behalf. Whoever was alive today would have to give up everything for him. Jay Halstead, a recovering drug abuser, was asking of someone else what he couldn't easily do in return. He didn't see why he deserved or had the right to ask this of someone. While they were all elated that Jay was getting a second opportunity to live, it finally hit him that they were—in a way—hoping for someone else to not be so lucky. There was no other way around it, someone had to die so he could live. He wasn't sure how to feel in this moment. He had a rough night of sleep, mind racing a million miles a second. He wanted to live, but couldn't accept the unfolding of coming events.

I researched a lot for this story and have developed a deep respect for those who have willingly elected to become organ donors. It truly is the ultimate sacrifice and gift we can give to the world. Furthermore, the human body was designed with organ donation in mind. We have two kidneys, but can survive on one. Our liver can have a portion of it removed and regenerate over time. Our heart and lungs can survive long enough post-mortem to be safely and successfully transplanted into another person. If you are not an organ donor, I encourage your research it. It's a beautiful and fascinating read. Back to the story, we had a good chunk of emotional moments and I hope you enjoyed them. A note on Jay's drug withdrawal. We will delve into that side of his recovery soon. Right now, it's about keeping him alive before we tackling that challenge. Next chapter, we'll see the next step in Jay's recovery. Thank you for reading!