Chapter 5- Funny How Time Goes By
This is going to be a bridge chapter if you will. We've seen Jay get through act 1 and now we're setting the stage for act 2. Let's get into this together.
He walked into the room perplexed, a little shocked, maybe even numb. He didn't notice that Jay had managed to get himself out of bed for the first time since the surgery nor did he see the pile of IV lines and cords on the bed. Jay walked out of the bathroom and rested against the doorway, clutching his chest before noticing his zombie brother.
"What?" Will checked back in with reality, looking up at Jay standing there with a worried face.
"What?!"
"Ok, I'm going to stop the one word game. What's wrong with you?"
"I just got a call from…wait, how did you get…there," he inquired, now connecting the dots.
"I wanted to brush my teeth. Cannot remember the last time I did that." Upon further inspection, Will noticed the drainage tubes and wires poking out from Jay's shirt and the oxygen was miraculously missing. The half removed tape on his face told the tale of Jay attempting to remove the feeding tube. It appeared he just yanked things off till he was free enough to move. Jay was going to be the death of him at some point.
"How did you get up?!"
"I mastered the art of bending at the knees. But, something really hurts so I think I might have snapped something." Will escorted Jay to the chair before inspecting the incision site. Unlike the previous open heart procedure, Jay looked down this time.
"Is it all supposed to look like that," Jay asked as Will pulled away the dressings, revealing a bloody, bruised, slightly swollen sternum line.
"Um, pretty much. Everyone heals differently but this looks to be ok." Will carefully ran his fingers down the incision site, feeling for snapped wiring around the sternum. Things weren't uniformly wrapped anymore, but nothing felt broken. He then moved to the stapling of the skin, finding the culprit of Jay's pain.
"You didn't break any of the wiring but you did disrupt its' alignment and you snapped two staples right here. This is why we ask for help instead of doing it on our own." He looked up at an unfazed Jay.
"Ok, so what does that all mean."
"I can stitch where the missing staples are but you cannot be moving around too much. Remember what I said about misaligning all this?!"
"Yes, mother. I got it. I'll yell for your assistance next time." Will went to grab a suturing kit as Jay sat back in the chair. The act of resting against a hard surface hurt, but it felt good to be in a different spot today.
"The lidocaine will sting for a second before going numb." Jay dramatically screamed as Will inserted the syringe, earning him a glare. Jay laughed before wincing in pain. Ah, sweet victory. Will got a stitch in before Jay inquired again.
"So, are you going to tell me what scared you senseless?" Will cocked his head before answering.
"Janice and Eugene want to come see you."
"What?! How did they…no."
"Jay, they're your grandparents. They should be informed of big stuff like this."
"They didn't show up when you told them about Dad. Their only son! Ouch, that actually hurt." Will loaded another dose of lidocaine before continuing.
"Jay, it's only going to be for a few minutes. An hour, tops. This is a big thing that happened to their grandson. Don't forget, I have to go through this as well. Perhaps all of this has forced them to have a change of heart about us."
"Oh my word, your sense of humor is terrible," Jay replied as he rolled his eyes. Will laughed.
"It was there and I took it."
"Yeah, no. Don't say that ever again." Will set the needle down and applied clean bandages to the large incision.
"Do you want to stay here?" Jay nodded.
"Ok, let's get some pillows and plug you back into everything."
"Change of heart," Jay muttered under his breath, making Will smirk. The two of them spent the next few hours watching TV, distracting themselves from the incoming storm.
"When will they be here?"
"She said sometime tonight. Just relax, man. You don't need to have a heart attack over this." Jay exhaled while simultaneously groaning.
"Fabulous."
…
The final drainage tube was removed when they knocked on the door. Jay hated the whole thing and rightfully so. A long plastic tube was being rubbed against sensitive organs and bones, leaving small holes in their place. Even on local anesthetics, the pulling movement made him shake with discomfort. It was the longest twenty minutes of his entire hospital stay. He didn't care that he ended up with more sutures, gauze, and tape on his body, whatever it took to make it all stop. They couldn't see their grandson through the doctors and nurses surrounding the bed, but spotted Will giving them the one minute finger. There were lights hovering over the bed and instruments being handed off and placed on a tray. They noticed the blood stained tubes clumped together and got a little uneasy. Will only told them what all had happened, but seeing some of the pieces that played a role in it all drove reality home. They stepped away from the door as the medical team filed out. Will smiled before getting up to usher them into the room.
"Hey guys, thanks for coming. You guys are the first visitors post-surgery." Will was in full doctor mode at this point. He cleared bags and clothes off of the couch and encouraged them to sit.
"Why hasn't anyone else come by? Doesn't he have any friends or colleagues?"
"Absolutely. It's just that he's been in an infection protocol for a few days and it finally got lifted today. The rest of them are planning to come by tomorrow." They didn't respond because they were too consumed with what all was happening around Jay's bed. Rhodes was undoing the tape on Jay's face preparing to take the feeding tube out. Jay didn't acknowledge his visitors at this point, still recovering from the agony of the last few minutes.
"This is probably going to make you sneeze. I'm sorry about the pain that'll cause." Jay just nodded, ready for the thing to finally leave. Unlike the other removals, this one didn't hurt on the way out. They all watched as the eternal tube snaked out and eventually landed in Jay's lap. Conner pressed the tube side of Jay's nose closed and massaged for a moment, hoping to alleviate the sneeze. Alas, it didn't work.
"Oh, that hurt," Jay admitted.
"I'm sorry. How are you feeling? Do you need anymore pain meds?"
"No, It's manageable. How about some food?"
"Give it a couple more hours. Let's let everything settle down for a bit. Good job, man." Rhodes turned around to see the shocked faces on the couch.
"Hi, you guys must be the grandparents. I'm Conner Rhodes, I'm the one that performed Jay's surgeries." He extended his hand and they gladly obliged, mesmerized by his striking countenance and self-assuredness.
"Thank you so much for your dedication to Jay's care. We all do appreciate it."
"Of course, you are more than welcome. I have to head out, but it was a pleasure meeting you two." He bid farewell to everyone and sauntered out of the room, leaving the world's most uncomfortable reunion to commence.
Growing up, the Halstead brothers and their paternal grandparents just never really connected. When asked, they'd say they had relatives in Ohio rather than family. Family meant people who actually loved and cared about you. Family shows an interest in your interests. Instead, these grandparents were very much set in their ways and beliefs and were always up for an argument. Visiting this set of grandparents was always an obligation rather than a desire. Visits would often include vicious debates with their parents and over-analyzing of their every move. They expected boys to be raised in an environment that respected and copied the past. They believed the code of ethics and culture in the 1940s and 19050s was the only way that people ought to live. Anything swaying from that was a sign of children out of touch with the proper values; falling for the lies and deceits of the world. Furthermore, they pushed for Will and Jay to be raised with English royalty-like manners. If they didn't know which side of the table a knife went on, or forgot to place a napkin on their lap, they were scolded for their lazy behavior.
The elder Halstead couple was rude, unfiltered, and had a weird way of showing their affection. Most of the curse words Will and Jay knew were learned from the fun times with these grandparents. Their life story was a tale of unwise decision making. Both had a dark, troubled past and somehow loved the other one enough to get married. Will and Jay can't recall a time when they showed passion for the other. They threatened to leave but never went through with it. But what's really off-putting about this couple was their inability to see their role in the outcome of their life story. Everything wrong was at the hand of someone or something else. They were perfect and that was it. To swallow their problems, they lived in a fantasy world. Lying was all they knew. When tough subjects were brought up, they'd intentionally change the subject or create these ridiculous stories that everyone else knew weren't true. This was a touchy subject between Jay and his father and a big reason for their disconnect. Jay never understood why they kept going back to see them. These people had never changed and showed no signs of wanting to work on themselves. It was like volunteering to be tortured. Visiting them meant getting pushed to the absolute limit, receiving verbal abuse along the way. The counter to his beliefs was that they were family and you couldn't cut them out. Jay never felt them to be family, only people related to them by default of them sharing the same last name.
The last time Jay saw his grandparents in person was the night before he got deployed. They all met at a restaurant in Chicago for a sendoff dinner. What he hoped for was lasting, positive memories but instead, walked into an intervention of sorts. They continually inquired into his motive behind enlisting and informed him of how different he'd be when and if he ever got out. They brought articles with facts and statistics pertaining to the likelihood for PTSD and other disabling side effects of war. Jay was asked why he didn't want to be more like his aspiring medical degree brother and choose a more lucrative and fulfilling career. The dinner was brought to a halt when Jay stormed out of the building and headed home. Had they been in a more private place, he'd have chewed them out into another universe. But for some reason, he bit his tongue in order to keep the reputation of his family in tact. Despite their problems, he wanted to maintain the facade that they were a happy, loving family. It killed him when he came home and turned out how they expected. For the first time, they were right about him and he hated it. The desire to prove them wrong was the reason he finally got things turned around and chose to be a cop. He'd have a fulfilling career making an impact on the streets of Chicago.
All this flashed in Jay's mind as he took in the couple sitting on the couch in front of him. Time had helped heal the emotional wounds, but the sting was still there. He didn't understand why they decided to show up, but put on a happy face for Will. He was reserved during this time, hesitantly waiting for the blow up that was sure to come.
"Thanks for coming, guys. I imagine the drive was long and I appreciate you making it out here." Janice adjusted in her seat.
"Of course, sweetheart. You're our grandson and we want to be here for you."
"How's the new ticker doing," Eugene gruffly asked? Will shot Jay a look.
"Um, it's doing well. It feels a little weird right now but it'll get better soon."
"You guys see the thin black wires coming out from his shirt? Those are pacing wires that are helping his heart beat regularly."
"He already have a problem with it," Janice interrupted?
"No, it's very normal after a heart transplant. When you're on bypass, the machines keeping you alive beat at one rate and it's hard to match that with a new heart. So when they take you off the machine, you get this uneven pumping for a bit and the wires help pace the heart to a normal rate."
"But how do they work?"
"The wires send small electrical shocks to the heart when things get uneven. They hurt a little when that happens and that's one of the reasons why he's on pain medication." They were enamored with Will's thorough explanation and exaggerated their facial reactions. Jay was not surprised by this.
"That's Will for ya," he commented.
"Isn't it great to have a brother that knows so much?" Jay glanced at Will who, wore an apologetic face, as Jay replied.
"Yeah, he's been huge in all this and I appreciate his help."
"So Jay, why did you need all this? We don't have a history of heart disease in the family and you're young to be having these problems." Will cut in as Jay pursed his lips.
"Eugene…grandpa…we don't have to discuss this.."
"-Because I did drugs for a year," Jay confessed. Three heads rotated towards him, jaws dropping to the floor.
"Excuse me?!" Will shook his head, telling Jay to abandon the topic.
"I went undercover a year ago and picked up the habit. I tried to get off of them but was too addicted to let go of them. I got in a car accident about a month ago and finally did detox. The rest is history." The entire time, Jay was telling himself to stop speaking. It was an out of body experience hearing himself verbally tell strangers what the last month of his life looked like. The only thing that made him keep going was the truth. He wanted them to see what telling the truth sounded like, hoping for them to return the favor. He nodded as they stared in shock for another moment.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I can imagine that was hard." It was Jay's turn to have his jaw drop to the floor.
"Jay, one of the reasons we came here was to apologize for that night before you left. We were disappointed in your decision for so long that we ignored you and that was wrong on our part. You had every right to be mad at us and we know you didn't want to speak to us. Your Dad used to keep us updated with how you were doing at work and we're proud of what you've accomplished. But when Will called and told us about your surgery, we knew we had to make things right. We know things will never be normal, but we'd like to at least talk to you every now and then? Maybe visit when it's ok?" Jay felt the tears coming but swallowed them. He was convinced this was some weird dream. Will on the other hand was balling, tears freely pouring down his face. His change of heart joke proved to be accurate.
"Yeah, we can try that. That'd be nice." Janice got up from her spot and moved to stand next to Jay's bed, holding her hands out for a hug.
"I can't move my arms," Jay joked.
"It's ok," she replied as she carefully embraced her long lost grandson. The sequence of events was a little grand, but worth it if they all happened for this moment. Jay couldn't figure out if it was genuine or guilt driven. Regardless, this was so out of character for them and he was truly touched.
…
It was becoming a bit of a theme for visitors to show up while Jay was getting things removed. Today, it was the pacing wires that were finally getting kicked to the curb. Jay still had the arrhythmias but they'd improved enough to be treated with mediation. From there, it would be a few more weeks till the heart rate returned to a normal status. Intelligence and Jay perfectly timed their arrival so that both groups hit the door at the same time. The removal of the wires required general anesthesia and a cath lab visit so Jay was pretty loopy and dazed. He mainly listened to the conversations and would occasionally blurt out a word or two. He hated that the first in-person reunion with everyone after the transplant he was near incoherent but it was what it was. He must've fallen asleep at some point because Will tapped on his shoulders a couple of times, asking if things were ok.
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm just really tired." Will nodded and smirked, letting his brother drift off again.
"You look good, Jay. Like, I think this is the best you've looked in a month," someone commented.
"Thanks, guys. Sorry, I'm being rude and sleeping while you guys are here." Jay rubbed his eyes hoping to wake himself up.
"Hey, it's fine. We know you can't help it." Dr. Charles knocked on the door and Will waved him in.
"Is this a bad time?"
"No, it's perfect. Jay, are you up for talking for a couple of minutes?" Jay nodded as he yawned. The team got the hint and bid farewell, Voight hung back saying he'd catch up with them. Jay figured out what was coming next. In the whirlwind of the last month, they'd pushed part two of his recovery to the side, focusing on keeping him alive before dealing with the cause of it all. Now with Jay in the clear, the second shoe was about to drop.
"We'd like to discuss next steps. As part of your agreement with UNOS, you're required to be in a rehab program in about five weeks. That gives you enough time to recover at home and get medically cleared to travel. We found a program in Atlanta that is highly recommended and specializes in helping cops overcome drug abuse. They have a spot for you at the end of next month and with your permission, I'd like to get your paperwork done and get that part of things worked out." The regret of everything came flooding back as Dr. Charles spoke. They were all consumed with Jay's immediate health that he, in a way, overlooked the other part of this. But with the effect now under control, the cause was screaming in his head. The guilt was all over is face.
"Jay, there's no shame in entering rehab. It's all part of the process. No one will look or think of you differently. You made a mistake and now you're working on making things right. It's all apart of life and honestly, people will respect you more for doing the right thing." Will nodded at Jay, concurring with Dr. Charles.
"Ok, do I need to sign anything? I've heard Atlanta is nice this time of year. Not as cold I'm told." That earned him a collective smirk.
"Great! I'll get the paperwork ready for you to sign before you leave."
"Also, you're required to be under supervision between now and when you enter rehab. No more going solo for a bit." The thought of being babysat really ticked him off, but it's the way things had to be. Gosh, the next month was going to suck.
"You'll stay with me for a couple of weeks and then we'll move you back to your place and we'll get people to come hang out with you," Will explained. Jay nodded through the disapproving thoughts. Voight stood up to take the stage.
"So when you do come back, you'll be on desk duty till I decide when you've earned a spot back. While we all understand how this happened, you decided to hide this. You've now gotta earn our trust back." It was a little harsh, but got the message across. Jay didn't even think about protesting. There wasn't a chance of swaying Voight.
"I understand. I was prepared to not even be allowed back so I'm really grateful for this. Even if I have to go back down to patrol for a little bit, I'm fine with that." Voight laughed as he looked down at the floor.
"We'll see how it all goes. Just focus on getting healthy." Soon it was just Will and Jay alone in the room. Jay's quietness was assumed to be from the drugs but Will noticed him drifting in and out of day dreams.
"You ok?….Jay…."
"Um, I don't know. I keep going back if I hadn't chosen to do all this…"
"Why worry about things that are already in the past? Kicking yourself won't make things better. Change is never easy and welcomed. You're going to be fine. Just take it a step at a time, a day at a time."
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired so I'm gunna sleep for a bit." It was his way of getting out of the conversation. Will would never understand Jay's inability to be forgiving of himself. Even when they were kids, he'd find Jay moping around the house for the littlest things. He knew Jay would eventually accept it all. It would just take an extra long time for him to reach that point. A very Jay thing to do.
…
The sleep from the night before didn't lighten the mood in the room. Even knowing he'd be released into the world tomorrow, Jay was shrinking back to his drug influenced ways, very quiet and spaced out and barely spoke. Will wanted to shake his brother and talk some sense into him, desperately wanting him to see how far he'd come since that day one month ago. Then it dawned on him, it had been a month. Thirty days since Jay entered the hospital and thirty days since the last time Jay relied on drugs to exist. This was a massive step towards the greater goal and it was impossible to not be excited over that. Will told Jay of this grand milestone and Jay just shrugged it off, barely upping his excitement.
"Yeah, it's been thirty days, but I've been here the whole time. I've been under supervision the entire time and nowhere close to those kinds of drugs. What's going to happen over the next thirty days, six months, or ten years when I'm out there with no one to stop me." Now they were getting somewhere. Will had a million different points but a hard time organizing them all. He came back to the theme of them all.
"Unlike the last year, you have people who are more than willing to help you. Plus, you're going to get help with the mental aspect of all this. Eventually, you'll be able resist the urge of the temptation."
"I haven't ever stopped thinking about them, even after detox. I actually miss being on those varying highs. When things were really painful, that's where my mind went to. Yeah, I haven't used physically for a month, but mentally it's a whole other story." Will tried to hide his shock of Jay's confession. It wasn't uncommon for this to happen to recovering drug users. Even years after they get clean, it can be the on the forefront of people's mind. It's what these drugs do best: get into every cranny of one's life. But to hear Jay easily admit that was unsettling. It sunk in the truth that he wasn't really recovered from that part of it all…for now.
"Jay, no one expects you, or anyone for that matter, to be cured in a day. It's a process and one that takes a long time to figure out. You don't go from relying on the drugs to suddenly abhorring them. You'll get there some day. Thus the reason for the lengthy rehab stay and the supervision this upcoming month. We're not punishing you or hindering you from living, we're doing this out of love and care. You took the guardrails down so we're here to help put them back up and get you on the right side of them." Will watched as Jay nodded while looking around the room. Some of the bags were packed and the bathroom was partially cleaned out. It looked a little like the night before one checks out of a hotel room. The crap is kind of packed but still somehow everywhere.
"I still don't believe this all actually happened," Jay finally admitted, a little bit of a smirk on his face.
"Yeah, it's been kind of intense. Thank you for still being here after everything."
"Don't thank me, thank the person in Indianapolis. I just accepted what they were offering."
"Look at you being all philosophical." Jay laughed, a smile finally forming on his face. In that second, Will knew all this was worth it. Every procedure and painful awakening led to this moment of clarity and reflection. It was a blip on the timeline of life, but one they'd both look back on as a point of reunion. Jay had survived the calamity of the storm and was ready to repair the damage. Through it all, he'd come to realize and accept the help and assistance of others. While it was him who got himself here, it would be a team that would help get Jay out of this chapter of his life. It began with Will, continued through a stranger in another town, and would soon grow to a group of people in a city he'd never visited. The thirty days went from desperation to excited. It was both the worst and best month of the Halstead brother's tales and they were extremely fortunate to have the other.
"Ok, let's assess the mess of this place and focus on getting released tomorrow" You didn't have to remind Jay twice about that one.
As the chapter title suggests, the point of this phase of the journey was to see how time has gone by and how it's helped heal and put things into perspective. I always wondered why we've never heard about any of the Halstead's grandparents so why not add them in now? I imagine one reason we've never heard of them is because of something bad in the past. Same thing with the time between Jay entering the hospital and him preparing to take that next step in his recovery. He's had time to really process things and see where he went awry and where he needs the improvement. I hope this sheds insight into how this was crafted and how it'll set up the next leg of the journey. Thank you for reading!