Chapter 6- In a Time Lapse
The title of this one is the name of an album because the song is an instrumental. The song is called Experience and I highly recommend you listen as you read. I had it on repeat for this entire chapter and it brings something special to the experience (pun totally intended). This is going to be a snapshot chapter if you will. We're going to highlight moments in Jay's month long babysitting program before he heads to rehab. Let's get this started.
Will dramatically turned the knob on the door and flung it open, extending an arm to usher Jay in.
"Welcome home!"
"To your home," Jay corrected.
"Don't ruin the moment and just walk in." Jay gingerly shuffled over the threshold and stood in the epicenter of the kitchen, living, and dining area, watching Will get squished in the doorway with all the bags.
"You need help," Jay asked as he started walking back to his packed in brother.
"No, I've got it. You can't pick anything up, remember?" Jay held his hands out in surrender, ignoring the twinge of pain that caused. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been at Will's place and had forgotten how big it all was. Perhaps he chose the wrong profession if a ER doctor could afford a place with a doorman, cleaning service, and a fully functioning kitchen. His place wasn't too shabby, but it wasn't all this. Jay spun around in his spot and looked up and down observing everything. Will budged himself through the doorway and plopped the bags in the living area, now heading to the kitchen.
"Hey, you want anything?" Jay shook his head as he watched Will gulp down half a bottle of water.
"Where do you want me?"
"Well, where do you want to stay tonight? If you're not ready to lay flat I could put you on the reclining chair or the couch and use a bunch of pillows."
"We can try the couch and go from there." Jay walked into the living room and carefully sat himself down on a chair. The art of leaving a hospital and traveling home was more of a challenge than he anticipated. Their exit was a little under the radar partly because a large trauma had come in as the elevator doors opened, but mostly because Jay wasn't up for chatting. Granted, he was eternally grateful for everything the employees of the hospital did for him, but he couldn't force himself into talking. He was in one of those moods where he only wanted to hang with family and that was it. They said goodbye to the nurses on the ICU floor and briefly met with Dr. Charles and Rhodes a final time before departing, but slipped out afterwards. The option of a cab or the subway was presented and Jay opted for the train. Even if it meant walking a few blocks, he wanted to get back out in the city. He ignored the tiredness in his body and kept strolling. Will would pester him about his breathing and pain every crosswalk and he shooed him off. Will warned doing too much at once could hurt something but Jay didn't really care. The next month was all about resting and catching up, it wouldn't hurt doing a little exercise before all that.
Jay got interesting looks on the train as they made their way to the CVS closest to Will's apartment. He knew he looked frail and like he hadn't seen sunlight in a month, which were very much true, but it didn't bother him. He was doing a normal thing with real people and that's all he cared about. It was in the doldrums of winter by now and everyone wore that glum, just barely surviving face. Jay's smiling countenance stood out like a sore thumb and it seemed some people were a little annoyed. Will helped him stand as their stop was announced and they minded the gap as they reunited with solid ground. Jay found out stairs are unfriendly to recovering heart transplant recipients. It hurt to firmly place a foot on the step below and the act of descending hurt his sore, fragile chest. He took baby steps down the flight of steps while holding onto Will's arm, refusing to touch the germ infested railing. The fatigue began making itself known as the two of them stood in the pharmacy line. He alerted Will of it and got a nod. Will pointed to a seat and commanded him to sit till he got the medication. Will strolled over with his bulky bag some time later and offered the cab option again, Jay still refusing it. A slow twenty minute walk later, they arrived to the heavenly body called the elevator. Now, as Jay attempted to bring his leg close enough to undo his shoe lace, he understood why Will warned him of doing things too quickly. He was depleted and felt worse than when they left. The weight of all that had happened a week ago rushed back as he gave up on the shoes. There weren't a whole lot of life changes bigger than what he just went through. Mentally, he was ready to jump back in full throttle. The rest of him still needed some time to catch up.
"Here," Will spoke as he held out a cupped hand of pills and glass of water.
"I feel like crap," Jay confessed as he allowed Will to pull his shoes off.
"Ah, so the wise one was correct after all." Jay smirked, wanting to slap his brother if he had the gumption and ability.
"Those will help. It's codeine and an anti-coagulant and an antibiotic."
"What about the other drugs," Jay spoke through water and pills in his mouth.
"The anti-rejection meds you'll start taking in the morning. They gave you a twenty-four hour shot before you left. Don't forget you take the pills twice a day." Jay annoyingly nodded as he swallowed. The body's immune system is responsible for removing foreign things from the body. After a transplant, the body's natural reaction is to reject the organ that is not native to itself. Therefore, those that receive a transplant are required to be on anti-rejection medication for the rest of their lifetime in order to prevent rejection of the new organ. This act of keeping one's health important would be a new thing for Jay. Instead of pushing his body to the max, he would need to be attentive to it. This was going to be one of those big adjustments in his life.
"You're probably going to get nauseous if you take those and then don't eat. What do you want? I can make something or order take-out."
"You what I've been dying for for the last few weeks? Chinese take-out. I've missed short ribs and szechwan chicken so much this last month." Will smiled at his brother outpouring for food. It was fun getting to do this again.
"Well, I'm not sure your doctors would recommend it, but you do need the calories and it is your first night at home so, we'll let it slide." Jay's face perked up, finally getting something to go his way.
"Little Wok is a couple of blocks away and I can go pick it up. Are you going to be ok to stay here by yourself for a few minutes?"
"Will, let's remember I'm an adult," Jay teased.
"Hey, let's not insult the purchaser of the food. I meant will you need help between now and when I get back." Jay shook his head as he adjusted in the chair, clearly uncomfortable sitting like that for too long.
"Here are the TV buttons if you'd like and your phone is on the counter I think. Do you want anything else other then the requested items?"
"I don't care. Just make sure to get those," Jay replied through a yawn. He listened as Will hastily walked out the door and locked it behind him. Jay grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels in a trance, not really sure what he was looking for. He finally settled on ESPN and watched colorful characters banter about minuscule things. They maybe got two points in before Jay's head slumped on his shoulder as he fell asleep.
Will arrived half an hour later with bags of food in hand. You'd have never guessed two people would be the only diners of this meal. He called for Jay a couple of times and got no response, scaring him half to death. He threw down the cartons and sped walked for the living room, very much prepared for the worst case situation. He rolled his eyes mainly at himself when he found Jay passed out with drool running down the corner of his mouth, kissing the shoulder of his shirt. He was in the process of wiping the spit off when Jay jolted awake, eyes wide open with alarm.
"Hey, it's fine. You want to eat?" Will helped Jay back into a comfortable sitting position before propping him up with pillows and throwing a blanket on him. He returned with the steamy plates of beauty moments later and the two of them enjoyed an evening of Netflix and high-sodium take out. This was one of those times when doctors allow whatever a patient requests. Mental healing was as important as the physical part of it all. For a few hours that night, the two of them could have period of normalcy. Tonight, it wasn't about tests or benchmarks or pain management. That part was over and now came the fun part of it all: keeping Jay entertained while simultaneously encouraging him to rest and stay put. So far, the Jay Halstead babysitting program was going splendidly.
…
The following morning saw the fruition of a long awaited activity. During his hospital stint, showering was limited due to assistance from Will and being cautious to not get any important stuff wet. Jay was never allowed to just sit and let the water do its' magical healing powers. He requested it but was always told to hold off, until today. Will was sound asleep when Jay woke up and he saw his opportunity. He wiggled his way out of the chair and snooped through the apartment to find the guest bathroom. After locking the door behind him, he finagled the shower handle and put it far into the red, disrobed as the water heated up. He looked down at the hospital tags still on his wrist. It was a collection of three: one from the first day he was admitted, one for his allergy to latex, and one from the transplant surgery. They were little reminders of the journey and he couldn't part with them yesterday. It was the marks of a changing person and how he'd progressed since that day. He also took in the remnants of black nail polish. Even after three surgeries and the numerous IVs and wires, there were little flecks of it left on his nails. It was crazy to see the melding of his last year right in front of him. His hands showed the handiwork of the damage while his wrist revealed the healing that had to take place. It was at this point he looked into the fogging mirror and took in the massive scar down his center and the several tiny ones surrounding it; all of them the result of his hand's inability to stop moving. Most would fade over time, but the big one was going to stick around. He took in the broken and yet healing body and was met with a single thought: how lucky he was to be here and how unworthy he felt to have been spared from his intended punishment. The next thought was how cold the room was. He broke his dark, self-centered thoughts and carefully climbed into the shower, slipping off the tags before heading in.
The freezing temperature of the bathroom was quickly masked by the steaming hot water running all over him. He sat himself directly under the shower head and closed his eyes, feeling the water run down his face and into the corners of his mouth. This is one of those little pleasures in life and he had every intention of not moving till the water went cold. After washing and conditioning his hair, he closed his eyes and breathed, running his fingers up and down the sternum incision. There was this gap between knowing what all happened that day and accepting what transpired. He knew and felt what went down those eight hours, but still couldn't believe he housed a heart that wasn't entirely his own. This one was birthed in a body that he had never met and briefly died before he brought it back to life. He didn't know this one's limits and all the breaking it had endured. When one analyzes the logistics of a heart transplant, it's kinda crazy and miraculous how it all works out. Jay wasn't stupid, but it's a lot of take in. He continued to breathe through his mouth as he held his hand on his chest, feeling the strong, slightly uneven heartbeat against his hand. It was foreign to him, but it felt good. He brought his knees to his head and closed his eyes, feeling the unfamiliar beat thump against his hand. It was strong, willing, and giving him a second chance. Though he felt he didn't deserve it, he was eternally grateful for the opportunity to see tomorrow. He mentally thanked the angel above for allowing their heart to live longer than them. This little moment was the much needed welcome home party. A knock interrupted the beautiful union moment.
"You ok in there, Jay" Will spoke through the crack between the door and frame?
"Yeah." Will didn't know how loaded of a question that was. Jay smiled as he worked himself into a standing position and climbed out of the shower. Jay wrapped a towel around his waist before heading out in search of clothing. He hesitated in front of the mirror for a second time, giving himself another scan. He was going to be ok, even if took longer than he wanted it to.
…
It was a week later when Will relinquished the reins for the first time. A long time patient of his had come into the ER and he had to slip away for awhile. Jay insisted he could manage himself on his own but Will wasn't having it. Knowingly violating the agreement wasn't going to happen on his watch. He called Voight who told Hailey to head over to Will's place to babysit. She was Jay's partner and the two clearly needed to have some one-on-one time to discuss things. Plus, she wasn't cleared for active duty yet and probably needed the company. It would be an episode of the hurt leading the hurt and it was bound to be exciting. She arrived a few minutes ago and Will was giving her the rundown of everything Jay needed and couldn't do yet. She nodded while trying to hide her laughs over Jay's embarrassment. His face was flaming red as he cupped it in his hands, telling Will to calm down and that he had it handled. Will stopped speaking when he handed Hailey a bag of medication and a lengthy handwritten note. He promised he'd be back soon before sprinting out the door. They waited till they head his footsteps disappear down the hall.
"So…" Hailey got in before laughing out loud. Jay groaned as he looked up at the ceiling.
"Welcome to the last week of my life. I swear if I watch one more episode of The Great British Bake-Off I'm going to go insane."
"Oh stop, he's just being protective and caring. A lot of people would kill for a brother like that."
"True, but there's a line and I think he crossed it at some point this last week."
"So what do you want to do. I could cue up some Top Chef if you'd like to keep up with that theme."
"How about we go somewhere. I've been stuck in this place for a week, only seeing the outdoors via the deck." Hailey hesitated for a moment and Jay picked up on it.
"It's fine. He'll blame me before he gets to you. C'mon, we'll be back before he gets here." He kneeled down to get his shoes as she ushered him to a chair to help him put them on. She threw a jacket on him before putting hers back on. She held the door handle for moment, looking at Jay with a worried expression.
"Are you sure this isn't too much for you? Remember, you have been through a lot and need to take things slow."
"I'm fine.."
"-I've heard that one before." Jay smirked as he cocked his head.
"Fine, we'll walk a couple of blocks and then come back. I promise to not complain." Satisfied with the plan, she turned the knob and held it open for Jay, the two injured people heading for the great outdoors.
The weatherman was spot on when he said it was going to be a bone chiller that day. Both Jay and Hailey were stopped in their tracks upon encountering the sharply crisp air for the first time. They now realized why the sidewalks were sparse but used that to their advantage. They were an interesting sight with one sporting a brace on the arm while the other had red marks on their face and visible chest and white gauze poking out the top of their shirt. Furthermore, Jay had mastered the old man step and shuffle. The cold air felt incredible swelling in his weak chest and he relished in feeling alive. He kept looking up and around at the buildings towering over them. It felt amazing to just walk around and exist. Today wasn't about sleeping and fighting but rather just about living; getting back into a normal routine. Recent days were becoming more about filling the time with worth while things rather than passing the time waiting for something else to occur. Jay's stored energy from the last month was fighting to break out and bolt, but he knew better. He'd up his walking pace before slowing back down to allow Hailey to catch up. He hated that he couldn't challenge his body to do more but was thankful for what it was allowing him to do. Hailey would question his wellness at every light and Jay shook his head, assuring her things were fine. They didn't talk much during this time, just allowing the sights and sounds of the city to entertain the void in their relationship. Sorting things out would come eventually. Today was just about being there physically for each other.
Their trip around the blocks ended when Jay announced he was tired. Hailey nodded in agreement and guided him back to Will's place. Jay made it to the couch before collapsing on the cushions and closing his eyes, breathing out loud.
"Hey, you ok," Hailey asked as she entered the living room.
"Yeah, my chest is just really sore. Heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest."
"You want anything?"
"Yeah, get the pain meds and arrhythmia stuff. It's the brown circle pills." Hailey went to claim the items as Jay unzipped his jacket, placing a hand on his moving chest.
"Here, sit up and swallow." Hailey massaged Jay's carotid after he ingested the pills and laid back down. They sat there for a couple of minutes till Jay sighed and coughed, indicating the episode was over.
"You might have pushed yourself a little too far, right?" Jay smirked as he looked up at the ceiling.
"Maybe. But have you have to admit it felt good, right?" More than anything, she wanted to kiss that smiling face, but it wasn't the right time. He was in no shape to be starting something like that nor did she want to add to his pile of things to sort out. They both had barriers to break through before they added love into the mix of things. Perhaps another time under better circumstances they'd give it a go. But for now, a friendship was what they settled for. Their eyes met for a moment and seemed to agree with her thoughts. It was all there in front of them, but they couldn't commit to that right now.
"I'm back," Will yelled as he entered the door. Hailey and Jay broke their little staring moment and she pushed away from the couch.
"Hey, how did it go," Will asked as he pointed at Jay's shoes.
"You went out?" Hailey jokingly pointed at Jay as he held his hands in surrender.
"I got bored and it was just a couple of blocks." Will rolled his eyes, delaying the argument. Hailey gathered the glass of water and pill bottles and set them back in their places. She waved farewell to the Halsteads before slipping out, offering to hang with Jay again if her services were needed. Will flopped down onto the chair next to the couch, glancing over at a now snoring Jay, laughing over the proven fact it wasn't in his brother to ever do things easy.
…
"You ready?"
"I'm pretty sure I live here so.."
"Yeah, but the last time you were here…" Jay didn't need to hear the rest of that one. It was two weeks since he'd been released from the hospital and he'd finally been given the go-ahead to move back into his place. Jay was thrilled to get some hint of freedom back but was also a little nervous. As Will pointed out, the last time he was on his own he'd allowed himself to go off the rails. He worried he'd act on his impulses now that he was back in that environment where it all went down. Nevertheless, he was ready to truly relax on his own space.
Will was scheduled to return to work this afternoon and would stay with Jay at night. Hailey volunteered to take the daytime shifts when Will wasn't on call. Over the last couple of weeks, Jay and Hailey fell into a routine of sightseeing or taking walks around the city. The activity served two purposes in that it allowed them to get into a rhythm again but also allowed them to start sorting things out. Aside from this month being Jay's time to recover at home, he also viewed it as an opportunity to put things in order mentally and ready himself for rehab. For awhile there, he didn't think of himself as someone who needed it. He was a cop who slipped up and knew he wasn't going to do it again. Hailey kept reminding him that the fact he still thought about taking drugs was reason enough to enter the program. Some days he hated when she showed up, knowing where their discussions were going. Over time, they'd both reached a point of understanding.
Another thing, Jay had healed enough to where he could carry light things again. The incisions had healed entirely and his sternum was nearly re-fused. He was elated to no longer have to rely on narcotics in order to function and the arrhythmias were just about cleared up. His latest check-up showed the new heart to be doing really well and the dosages of anti-rejection were spot on, no sign of rejection at all. The previous week really saw Jay turn a corner in his recovery. He was still tired more often then he'd like, but the naps were fewer and farther between. He felt less and less like a recovering patient and more like himself getting over an illness. He wasn't allowed to seriously exercise for a few more weeks, but was thrilled to be allowed to move around without too many restrictions. A side effect of all this was how hard it had become to keep him relaxing and resting. He felt better and was able to do a little more. You give Jay Halstead an inch, good luck keeping him from doing a mile.
Back to the front door, Will finally budged the door open and held the door for his brother. Jay picked up his bag and quickly walked through, ready to get over that threshold. It shouldn't feel weird entering your home, but that's exactly what Jay experienced. He looked around the place and only saw a life he no longer recognized. Everything was in the correct place, but something was off. Like the air felt weird and it had an odd smell. He opened cabinets and remembered stash places that were now empty. The clothes in the closet were wrinkled and musty from weeks of neglect. He sat on the couch and honestly forgot how to work everything. It was like living in a dream almost. The foundational parts of this place looked familiar, but everything else was off. He didn't fall back into a routine nor did he pick up on what that even was. The person who lived here was no more. He wasn't sure if he should get out or stick around and wait for him to return. In that moment, he almost wished he hadn't been allowed back here. It was bringing back all the wrong memories.
"This is weird," Jay finally confessed after doing a once over of the place.
"Yeah," Will agreed. It was almost like walking into a crime scene after the clean-up crew had come through. You knew something tragic happened here but the evidence was nowhere to be found.
"It'll come back. You'll feel at home soon."
"I don't think so. I think I need to move," Jay half joked. Will gave him a reassuring face.
"Give it time." Jay maneuvered to a stool at his counter and sat, slowly running his hands through his hair, gaze lost in his thoughts. He kept going back to those days right before the accident. He vividly recalls sitting in this very spot, preparing another dose before work one morning. It was all he pictured as he looked around the place. Too much dark and evil and heartbreak happened here for him to want to stick around. He wasn't up for a second chance in this place. He felt the tears coming but couldn't let them out. Something in him told him to get up and run and he greatly wanted to answer that command. In an instant, he gave up any aspirations of regained freedom and recovering at his home. This one had become temporary and its' time was up. And so, he got up, looked around at his surroundings a final time, and faced Will.
"Can I stay with you for a little bit? Till…I have to leave in a couple of weeks?" Will wasn't about to force Jay somewhere he didn't want to be.
"Definitely. Do you want to grab anything before we head back?" Jay replaced the clothes currently in his bag with ones from his closet. He stormed out of the apartment without looking back. It wasn't in him to have a proper farewell. He said goodbye to all of this the day he hit that subway pillar. Will offered him the key to lock the door and he gladly did it. He felt the click against his fingers and slowly walked away. It was the last time he ever stood outside this door.
…
Sitting at the far most tip of the Navy Pier looking back at the city is a sight to behold. Even in the freezing temperatures of winter, people ventured out to this point to get a good look at that shot of Chicago. From this point, you realize how small we all are in this world. The buildings tower in the background and seem to go on forever while the lake just expands into a massive blue chasm. You don't see cars or hear their horns. People are very much out of one's visual range. It's just you, the world, and a few passing boats. At this final stop of Chicago civilization, you feel like a very small ant looking up at the towers of Heaven. Today, Hailey and Jay were resting on a bench at this southernmost tip of the pier eating ice cream because it's the proper thing to do in frozen weather. It was a sendoff meeting of sorts because today marked the end of the babysitting program. Jay had received the approval needed to travel and he was heading out for Atlanta in the morning.
The last month had seen Jay really grow. He began the time off hating, dreading everything. He jokingly believed he was being held back with a twinge of resentment. While he wanted to complete everything in rapid succession, he eventually discovered things were designed at this pace for a reason. He used his time to rest and allow his body to heal. It was the least he could do after all it had done for him. Plus, he owed it to the original owner of his heart to take care of their prized possession. He accepts the daily regime that was now required and willingly did whatever was asked of him. He discovered what his limits were and vowed to not allow things to get that carried away again. But as we all know, he'll push to just below that threshold at some point. Furthermore, he finally accepted his worthiness in the story. The entire hospital stay he only saw himself as a mess up, like someone who deserved to suffer the consequences of his poorly made actions. It took an all-night discussion with Will to prove to him that mistakes are not the final say in someone story. Just like everyone else, Jay very much deserves an atonement narrative. His actions nearly cost him his life and took things away, but the second act of it all was that he could now freely and happily live. Jay now owns and accepts what transpired over that year and has become a little proud of what he's done to correct his ways. It'll require an apartment hunt when he gets back, but he's up for the tiresome and tedious task. For now, there's one little thing he wants solved before he leaves. Thus the final meet with Hailey at the pier.
"So, we've been doing this for a month now, right?"
"Yeah," Hailey answered, slightly puzzled?
"I think we've reached a point where we can be honest with each other."
"Ok?! What is up with you," she laughed.
"I've just been wondering how or why you aren't mad. Like, not even a little bit. If I found out that my partner hid something from me for a year, I'd be a little ticked at them for that." Hailey spooned her ice cream a couple of times, watching the utensil swirl in the still frozen cup. She looked up after a moment and kept her eyes fixed on the view in front of them.
"Honestly, I was mad when Voight first told me. I had just been released from the hospital and the whole time I kept wondering where you had been. The last I saw of you was at the scene and no one said anything. I was scared that you had died or something and they were shielding me and I eventually got into a yelling match, demanding someone inform what was going on. Yes, I was mad that you hid it, but that quickly transitioned into understanding. Let's face it, we're not the sharing of our feelings type." Jay smiled, nodding in agreement.
"I wish you had told me because I would've offered to help, but I get it. You have this indestructible persona and you thought you could handle it.."
"- I wouldn't.."
"-Oh no, you're not denying this one. It's so true." He smirked after that one.
"From that point on, it was just about being there for you. You had already been through a lot and still had big things to get past. Who am I to hold a grudge for something I totally do on a daily basis? You needed a friend and supporter and I was more than willing to be that. I still am. You may not have asked for help in the beginning, but you needed it then and I was happy to step into that role. And before you ask, I'm not sharing my stuff with you. This is not confession time." Jay turned away from his partner and became fascinated with something to the right of them. They sat there in silence for a few moments, allowing the continuous breeze to freeze them to their core.
"Thanks Hailey," Jay spoke after a time.
"You're kind of great."
"Oh chill with the cheesiness. I can't handle it." She playfully smacked him before they resumed eating.
"You ready for tomorrow," she asked between bites?
"Um, I guess. I just want to get it over with."
"You need to actually learn something there, remember?!"
"I will! It's just that I'm tired of waiting for it to happen." She nodded a couple of times before standing, turning to face him.
"I'm officially frozen. Can we head back?" He jumped to his feet.
"Oh my word, yes. I thought you'd never ask."
We love a good Upstead moment. Honestly, you could write a whole other story based on the month of Jay's babysitting. Perhaps that'll be another time. Back to this one, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The whole premise of this one was to help Jay come to terms with his new way of life. There are limitations that were previously not there and things he had to let go. Furthermore, he needed to accept his need for rehab. While these were little snippets, I hope you saw that message get across. Thank you for reading!