Chapter 7- In The Thrill Of It All

"So what's the plan?" The balding, obese man turned away from his plate of food, jaw still chewing a giant bite of something. His three piece suit was bursting at the seams and smelled like garlic and sweat. The restaurant they were currently in was abandoned with the windows boarded up and dust mites everywhere. The only light source was coming from candles at the table and the single lightbulb in the kitchen. The only thing lacking in this scene was Italian opera music and a ring on the large man's finger to kiss. The ring leader smiled at Jay as he responded.

"We're doing a domino buy. We're buying coke from the Kings and then using that to bargain for the Crime Lords heroine. What the shmucks won't see coming is that we're only giving away a portion of the coke. In the end, we'll come away with a good chunk of cash and a large shipment of drugs." Jay nodded as the man spoke, looking down at his appearance and feeling very out of place.

"Seems risky. What happens if they figure it out?" The ring leader let out a big belly laugh.

"Kid, do you think I got to where I am because of safe, tiny deals?! You've got smarts, but that's what'll stand in your way. Why don't you come with us tonight? See how it's done." Another small victory for Jay.

"Yeah, sure. I'd like that."

"Be here at 9. Now get out of here and let me finish this." Jay calmly walked away as the large man happily chewed his food for the whole world to hear.

…

Jay walked around the back of the restaurant and was met by a dark SUV with its' light off, the quiet lull of the engine letting him know it was started. He hesitated at the corner of the building, not sure if he should run or pursue the vehicle. The passenger window rolled halfway down and a single finger pointed at him, commanding him to get in. Jay confidently walked up and was met by two guards grabbing his arms and throwing him in the car, a blindfold being thrown over his head as he sat down. He began to squirm, preparing himself for an abduction when the drug lord spoke up.

"Sorry kid, the location is top secret. You've not reached the 'need to know' status. Jay calmed down as the SUV was put into drive, channeling his energy into tracking the turns, stops, and speed of their journey. They arrived at their final destination some twenty-five minutes later. Jay's blindfold was removed after they dragged him to a spot and told him to stay put. He blinked a few times to find himself at the silos. Jay hid his familiarity of the place.

The meeting was very similar to that in a James Bond movie. Jay and the crew stood at the end of the line of buildings, the city behind them, and watched as fleets of black town cars slowly rolled in. Jay counted at least thirty guys on the seller's side. The lead car housed the dealer and he was the last to exit the car, waiting for a guard to rap on the windows, giving the all clear. Jay watched as his boss walked out to meet the seller in the middle of the space, a hand extended out of hospitality.

"Thanks for meeting us at this hour."

"Let's make this quick, my kid's party ends in an hour and I have to make an appearance." Jay swallowed the anger growing in him. This guy's primary concern was making millions off ruining people's lives, his own child an afterthought.

"Alright, we'll do it your way. Jay! Get the bags." Jay was startled for a moment before his legs kicked in. He rounded to the trunk of the SUV and collected the bags of money. He slowly walked to the meeting point and carefully set them down, stepping back to his perch. His boss held and hand up, telling him to stop.

"Stay here." Jay cautiously walked back, a little uneasy about what was coming next. The seller smiled as he gazed into the bags of cash. Satisfied with his loot, he snapped his fingers, commanding someone to bring the goods. A dozen bags were plopped in the center of the swap and the boss reached in to pick up a white brick.

"Pure cocaine. The best quality you can find this side of the border." The boss reached for a knife in his pocket and made a small incision, exposing a tiny amount of the evil white powder. Jay figured out what was coming next. He was the poison tester for the king. If he didn't die moments after ingesting the drug, then things were good. The knife was handed off to him, and found himself at the point of do-or-die. Take it and break the rules or refuse and blow everything up. The choice was clear. Jay took the knife and did the unapproved deed. Everything felt fine for a few seconds, and then the floating sensation kicked in. He could feel his pulse picking up and sensations heighten. It was an out of body experience and one that he instantly loved. He never felt so relaxed and calm in his life. He nodded as he wiped his nose, letting the group know things were a go.

"Pleasure doing business with you." The two parties went their separate ways. The boss grabbed Jay's shoulders and shook him, muttering words of praise and encouragement. Jay didn't recall what he was saying because he was too consumed with the consequences of his actions screaming in his mind. An hour later, the same act played out with the heroine seller and Jay willingly took the shot. It was a brutal de ja vu moment and at the time, one he didn't want to repeat again. With both potent drugs in his system. He remembers saying something strange before passing out on the boss' back seat, blacking out as the group laughed at him.

Jay's eyes shot wide open as he quickly sat up in bed. He rubbed his eyes, somehow thinking that would erase the images and memories of that night. This wasn't the first time he dreamed that scene, but it was becoming more common the closer he got to rehab. He didn't tell Will about this because he didn't want to upset him. They'd strengthened their relationship over these last thirty days to a point where things were almost back to normal. While Jay wasn't allowed to do much on his own, they could talk about things freely, nothing too taboo between them. Well, at least Will thought everything was discussable. Jay didn't update Will on his increasing desire for a fix nor did he tell him of the final hiding spot in his closet and the retrieval the final day at his place. He threw the sheets off of him and sat on the edge of the bed, not really sure what to do next. He looked over at his drawer housing the thing he wanted more than anything. Mentally, he was telling himself to get up and walk while physically, he was staying put. It was like a little devil and angel were on his shoulder and were talking at the same time. Jay leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees and silently moaned, wishing there was something to silence it all.

He sat there for half an hour like this before getting up. He was halfway to the bedroom door before something stopped him. From that point, it was like his soul vanished and a computer took over. In a fluid-like motion, he flung the drawer open, took out the tiny white bag and packaged syringe and headed for the kitchen. He quietly placed the items on the counter and went searching for a spoon and lighter. He dumped the bags contents onto the spoon, ran the lighter under it till the powder turned to liquid. It was a quick load into the syringe before hovering the needle over the bend in his arm. His whole body was shaking by now so Jay briefly closed his eyes, hoping that would settle the nerves. But then, it appeared the soul returned and took over the controls. Everything from the last couple of months flashed in front of him, offering a reason to not cave. He ignored them by moved the needle closer, the tip just touching the skin. He felt his pulse strongly thump against the tip, reminding him of what was at stake. It was at this point he lost it.

The syringe slipped out from his grasp as he sobbed, cradling his head in his hands. He wanted to reach down and pick it up, but the weight of everything was holding him back. He had numerous people cheering him on, encouraging and pushing him to do the right thing. An innocent person had to die in order for him to live. His own brother had extended enough trust in him to allow him to pack his own things, hoping he had grown that much. Going through with this would be violating that sliver of freedom he was granted. But most importantly, he was becoming a stumbling block for himself. Despite everything, his desires were becoming stronger than his resistance. It hit him in that moment: he was physically improved but mentally still back at that day at the corner of Madison and Wabash.

After some time, Jay did pick up the syringe. However, instead of inserting it in his arm, he turned on the kitchen faucet and injected the clear liquids into the sink, watching the water run for a few minutes. The tears began to fall again, but for good reasons this time. There is nothing tougher than telling yourself no, denying your body of your biggest pleasure. That little voice whispers in your ear, 'what are you doing with your life?' You feel broken, like a failure, but in the long run, it was the moment when you decided to change. People can make you change, but true recovery begins when you decided enough is enough. This was truly the first time Jay denied these damaging drugs the victory and honestly, it felt good. He couldn't recall a time he felt this relieved and empowered. Once he was pleased with the flushing of the drugs, he tossed the syringe in the trash bin and headed for Will's room.

Snoring was echoing on the other side of the door as he knocked. His knuckles were shaking from the nerves and they came out a little rapid. After three rounds with no answer, he flung the door open and stood in the doorway, quietly yelling Will's name.

"Will…Will….WILL! Wake up." The exhausted body slowly rolled over, running a hand over his face before speaking.

"What?! What time is it?"

"Will, I….um…I need to tell you something." Will sat up as Jay spoke, clearly noticing the shake in his voice. He didn't respond but just stared; letting Jay have the floor.

"I found a stash of coke back at my place a week ago and brought it here and just about took it a few minutes ago." Will blinked a few times, trying to figure out if this was reality or a nightmare. The two of them stared at each other for a second, one scared and the other in disbelief.

"What do you mean 'just about took it?'"

"Like I melted and loaded it and had it against my arm." Will nodded.

"So what made you stop?" Jay was staring at the lines on the floor by now, fascinated with their spaces and distances.

"Everyone. You, the team, the hospital staff, the person who loaned me the heart…me." Will sleepily smiled before yawning.

"You can test me, I didn't take it."

"I believe you." Jay looked up from his spot on the floor.

"Really?!"

"Really. I'm proud of you. I can imagine saying no to something like that is really tough. So mad props to you." Jay quickly nodded, returning to the floor.

"Thanks Will. I guess I really do need rehab. I'm a lot worse off than I wanted to admit."

"But you took a big first step. Celebrate that. And in your bed, please. We have to leave in like six hours and I'd like to get some sleep between now and then." Jay reached over to grab the doorknob and quietly closed the door. On the way to his room, he couldn't help but smile at himself. This was the first time on this little journey that he truly felt the weight lift off his shoulders.

…

The following morning did not include a discussion of the events of the night. It was not filled with farewells and last looks. Will and Jay got up, got ready, grabbed their bags, and headed for the train that was en route to the airport. Jay was appreciative of Will's moving on attitude. It happened, it was talked about, and that was it. For both their sakes, each person tried to play the day off as any other day. Just the two of them headed out of town to drop Jay off at an extended vacation. Despite the hope, promise, and positivity rehab entailed, the act of actually following through was a little scary for both of them. It was the inertia of putting words into actions. Instead of just saying he'd 'go to rehab,' they day came for him to finally follow through with it all. Jay didn't speak very much that morning. He was too consumed with the voice in his mind spewing a million reasons why this was a bad idea. Of course, he realized this was his fear speaking, but the idea of backing out was tantalizing. This way of life was dying today and he hated change, especially of the drastic nature. For as long as he can remember, he was the steady person in a situation. If this past year showed him anything, it's that everyone has a weak spot and the ability to fall apart. Despite his nearly killing him, it was still hard to part with it. That's the funny thing about failing: we all eventually come to accept and dwell in our mistakes rather than finding ways to overcome them. Failing is easy, righting the wrong is hard. As they boarded the train, Jay was shaking with mixed emotions. Every fiber of his being was telling him to run back. It was the little voice of common sense reminding him to keep going, that things were only going to get easier from here.

Will's role in this early process of recovery was nearing its' end and strangers would take over. He was both elated and sad to reach this point in the journey. Through sheer determination and stubbornness, he was sitting on a subway train with his brother in the aftermath of everything. Ask him two months ago if he truly saw this moment in time transpiring, he'd admit he had doubts. Certainly in those first hours of Jay's hospital stay, it was easy to see where things could've gone drastically different. Jay could've refused helped; his heart was likely to give out during detox; and the stroke of grace from UNOS was the final piece of Jay's miraculous story. As he looked over at his composed and daydreaming brother, Will concluded that a force far greater than them propelled their lives to this moment. While the storm was rough, it didn't break them. In actuality, it only made them stronger. Jay discovered just how incredible his perseverance and fight was and Will got a front row seat to it all. As Jay fidgeted with his tangled earbuds, Will couldn't help but smile.

"I know you don't want me to say it.."

"-Then don't. I know what you're going to say. I appreciate it, but I can't hear it or think it. Otherwise, I'll start freaking out. But, thank you." Jay looked up from the ball of wiring and gave a quick smirk. Will turned to his left to watch the city grow smaller. He'd only be gone for a day, but he was going to miss this place. In a way, Chicago was their guardian angel that was there for them at the best and worst moments, making them hope for greater things. Leaving the familiarity and comforts of this stunning and magical place worried Will for some reason. The world outside those borders was unknown and Will wasn't sure what to hope for. And so he fixated his view at the towering buildings growing smaller by the second, silently thanking them for everything. He waited till the scenery changed to kick his mind back into gear, reminding himself that Jay was still going to need him before his role finally concluded.

…

People say that Hartfield-Jackson airport is the busiest airport in the world and it's a little hard to believe. The large, monumental cities of the world are second to the airport in Atlanta, Georgia; a bustling city in the southern United States. However, as Will and Jay walked off the runway and entered the terminal, it was easy to see how this place got its' title. They were greeted by hundreds of faces waiting to load onto the plane they just left. The walkways were jammed with people, carts, strollers, and yelling. The roller wheels of suitcases were a constant soundtrack against the clicking of shoe heels. Will and Jay wandered with the crowd to the 'plane train' and listened to the numerous terminals get called out before they reached their destination. The whole time, Will and Jay clung to their bags and sat enamored at how crowded this place was on a Thursday afternoon. The stop for public transportation was announced and they stood from their seats, pushing their way to the doors. The trip to the MARTA platform was quick and quiet. As they sat on the bench waiting, they took in the fresh air of this new place. For starters, it was much warmer than Chicago. They left home with temperatures in the 20s and got off the plane to a place in the 50s. The Halsteads smirked as people walked by in heavy coats and scarves, joking these people could never survive a truly freezing winter day back home. Will noticed Jay's demeanor had changed a little since they got off the plane. He went from looking nervous to ready. Whatever song he listened to or nap he had, it appeared to have helped significantly.

"You ready?!"

"Yeah." Will reached over to rest his hand in Jay's shoulder.

"It'll go by fast."

"Hope so." Their train finally arrived and they quickly loaded, shocked at how empty the thing was. The ride from the airport to the facility was a little welcoming tour of the city. Each stop showed a different element of the city with the wide swoop between West End and Garnett saving the best view for last. As they rounded the turn, it was hard to not gawk and smile. It was a wide angel shot of everything in the city limits of Atlanta. Mercedes-Benz Stadium dwarfed its' surroundings with its' beauty and size, making Phillips Arena look like a pea against it. While there aren't as many skyscrapers in Atlanta as there are in Chicago, this skyline was still stunning. Each building is unique from the rest and seemed to be smiling almost, happy to be ushering new people into its' realms. Traffic was in full swing below the train tracks and it was amazing to see how crowded this town had become. People talked about how quickly Atlanta is growing and its' ever present traffic woes validate that. Will looked over to a smiling Jay. No matter the city, he loved being where the people where; a city kid at heart. Three stops later, the final destination was called and they got up to leave. It was a maze of stairs and walkways but eventually, they reached level ground and were looking up at the Jay's home for the next couple of months.

It was a large, white building surrounded by a sea of sprawling green grass, a rare thing in the heart of a city. The architecture of the place made it look like an art exhibit. Everything was pristine and clean. There wasn't a smudge on the building nor was there a missing piece of anything. Will concluded the put-togetherness of the place was designed to comfort its' occupants. People felt safe in calming, clean environments and based on the exterior of this place, they were doing a fabulous job of achieving that. He guided Jay up the impressive walkway and opened the door for him, Jay hesitating for a moment before moving. Inside, things were quiet. The white theme continued inside with the walls and floor painted in the color. The numerous tinted glass walls offered natural light that wasn't too harsh against the starkness of everything. Other than soft music playing above, the place was like a library. Again, aids used to soothe and relax people. The Halsteads approached the receptionist desk and were greeted by a very happy women. They'd never really considered the appropriate emotion one ought to have when entering rehab and weren't too sure if her bubbly personality was the correct choice. Regardless, they went along with her overly cheeky disposition.

"Hi! Welcome to the Peachtree Rehabilitation Facility! How can I help you?"

"I'm here to check-in. I made a reservation…I guess..about a month ago. It's under Jay Halstead." It was still a little surreal verbalizing that. As she typed on the computer, Jay looked around again at everything, trying to hide his nerves.

"Ok! I have the paperwork right here and it looks like…yes, everything is in order and complete. There is a note here that you have medication you take daily. Do you have it with you right now?" Will fiddled through his backpack before handing it to Jay who plopped the large ziploc on the counter, making the receptionist's eyes go wide.

"Oh my."

"Heart transplant. Six weeks post-op," Jay replied.

"Oh, well congratulations."

"Thanks."

"So I take this now and we will get the doses and instructions in the system and them bring them to you each day at the necessary times. Here's the admission band for you to wear. It'll be a couple of moments before we take you back." Jay thanked the woman again before venturing to a seat in the waiting area. Looking at his soon fellow residents, he still didn't feel like he fit in. It was a game of scoping out the competition. Some of the people waiting looked like this wasn't their first rehab rodeo while others looked unsuspicious like him. There were people who resembled criminals he'd arrested and other who looked like corporate success stories. As he took in the room, he noticed the commonality in each of these people: the rehab band they all wore. This drove home the truth that no one was above the lure of toxic lifestyle habits. These crippling drugs didn't care if you were a repeat rehab visitor or a successful police detective. They wanted in your life and would try their darnedest to make your life into a rubble of destruction. And as he looked down at his own band on his wrist, he accepted the fact that he needed this and he deserved—no—was fortunate to be at this place at this moment in time. People cared enough about him to pull him out of harm's way and set him on a path to health and healing. The fear or disbelief attitude he walked in here with was his pride talking and he wanted to kick himself. They were all in this together and were all willing to fight, what more could one ask for.

Will noticed that any shred of readiness Jay had when they got off the plane had vanished into worry. He noticed Jay kept rubbing his hands on his pant legs and occasionally twitching his feet. He wanted to comfort him, but he wanted Jay to remember this time. He hoped the dread and uneasiness he was feeling now would provide motivation for him to truly embrace this level of change. He was proud of how far Jay had come and honestly couldn't wait to see what the next months had in store for him. He was aways off from walking back into the 21st precinct, but he was well on his way there. The waiting room door opened and a medical person called Jay's name. The passing of the baton had arrived. Will stood with his brother and walked with him to the door.

"This is where I leave you." Jay nodded, trying his best to hide his emotions.

"I'll be here when you're done. Sixty days, right?!" Jay responded with a big, strong hug. Will was startled for a split second but accepted it.

"Thank you," Jay said into Will's shoulder. They stood there for another couple of seconds before Jay stepped back, exhaling as he stepped into the other side of the doorway. Will watched through the glass door till Jay disappeared down the hall. For second time in two months, Will found himself at that chasm of dread and unpredictability. The waiting game had once again resumed.