Chapter 8

Washington DC, 1863

A tidal wave of emotions rolled over Jarrod as they stood there in the street. He was enraged. He was ready to burst, and at the same time he was overcome with memories of being with her, of making love with her, of being in love with her. He stood perfectly still, staring. She came to him.

"Jarrod," she said.

"Julia, what are you doing here?" he asked. "Do you know what kind of trouble you're in?"

She nodded. "Yes, and I know that if I stay very close to you, you'll take me in and have me arrested, so I won't stay long."

Despite what he'd said to his boss, he felt utterly betrayed now, certain she had never loved him. "What do you want from me? Isn't it enough you've ruined Matt? Weren't all the lies about loving me enough?"

She shook her head. "They weren't lies. I meant it. It was real. For me, it was real. I couldn't disappear from your life without you knowing that."

Jarrod's anger raged up higher. "Why should I believe that?"

"Because you know it's true. I had to turn away from you because I had a job to do, and I couldn't do it with you. I couldn't use you. I loved you."

Jarrod never felt such ambivalence before. He didn't want to believe her, and he did want to believe her. Despite himself, the thought of her walking away from him forever now cut deep, too deep. Because he loved her, too. Even though he was livid at the thought of her, he loved her, too.

She came close and kissed him on the mouth. Not a passionate kiss, just a kiss. But again his ambivalence won out. He didn't return it. And then she quickly turned and hurried away.

He should have gone after her. He should have stopped her and arrested her and taken her back to the war department, but he was frozen in place and she was gone so fast, faster than he could think straight. By the time he knew he had to arrest her, by the time he knew he had to stop her for Matt's sake, by the time he thought he could move, she had turned a corner and was gone.

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Stockton CA, 1878

Jarrod's eyes closed, and his brothers were pretty sure he had fallen asleep, but he kept talking. "I reported that I'd seen her, but they never caught up to her. You know the rest of it. I got wounded a few times in Virginia, and near the end of the war I was actually in the hospital with that last head wound. I got word they were bringing new charges against Matt, and I was transferred to come represent him. Probably didn't do myself any good, but Matt was beyond crushed to have to face espionage charges again. They still could have hanged him."

"But you got him acquitted of those charges, too," Heath said.

"Yes," Jarrod said. "And then Matt came home and he was never the same."

"Jarrod," Nick said, and Jarrod opened his eyes. "You can't blame yourself for Matt Parker."

Jarrod remembered what he had told Julia Saxon only days earlier. I can't forget he never would have met you if it hadn't been for me. For a moment Jarrod considered not telling his brothers that part, but he knew he had to see this whole story through. "I introduced them," he said.

"When a man takes his own life, it's his own decision," Heath said.

"I introduced them," Jarrod said again. "And she turned on him because she couldn't use me anymore. Not because she wasn't getting anything out of me, even though she wasn't. Because she loved me."

Nick and Heath looked at each other. Heath said, "She still loves you, doesn't she? That's why she came here – to see you."

"To see if there was anything left," Jarrod said.

"And there isn't," Nick said.

"And there isn't," Jarrod said.

"Jarrod, that's not your fault either."

"I know that," Jarrod said. "The only thing I fault myself for is introducing her to Matt in the first place. The rest of it – the inexperience and the passion of a young man. I can forgive myself for that. But I can't forgive myself for introducing her to Matt."

"You've been living with it for a long time," Heath said.

Jarrod looked at him. "And I'll live with it for a lot longer. I've got things piling up on me that I have to live with. Matt – Julia – Beth."

His brothers looked at each other again. They never talked about Beth at all, but they each knew that the guilt Jarrod felt about her was not just about going off the rails and trying to kill Cass Hyatt. Jarrod felt guilty for meeting her and loving her and bringing her here just to be killed. Nick and Heath had known that for some time, since they got him home from Rimfire, and little things Jarrod said or did kept telling them that. He never said it out loud but now he had come pretty darned close.

Nick said, "I wish I knew how we could ease that burden for you, Pappy."

Jarrod said, "You can't. I just have to live with it all."

He was fading now, and for a moment his face screwed up, as if he were fighting a battle inside to keep those demons under wraps.

"Things always become easier to carry in the light of day," Heath said. "Get some sleep, Jarrod. Tomorrow will turn a new page."

Jarrod took a deep breath and nodded, without opening his eyes. It was about then that the knock came on the door. Nick went to it and saw his mother there, ready to give Jarrod the half dose of laudanum. Nick gave her a smile. "I'll take care of this, Mother."

She could tell by the look in Nick's eyes that her sons had been talking, undoubtedly about Julia Saxon. "Good night, Nick," she said, giving Nick the laudanum. "There's some food in the warmer for you and Heath. I'll see you all in the morning."

"Good night, Mother," Nick said.

Nick closed the door and brought the medicine over to Jarrod. The half dose was already in a small cup. Nick lifted Jarrod's head and put the cup up to his lips.

"Drink this, Pappy," Nick said. "Doctor's orders. Half dose of laudanum."

Jarrod took it, said, "Thanks – and thanks for making me talk about it. It might have done me some good, even if it cost you dinner. "

Nick chuckled a little. "Since when have I skipped dinner for some reason that wasn't important?"

"Since when have you skipped dinner at all?" Heath asked.

Jarrod smiled a little. "It's nice to know some things never change," he said. "And thanks – for getting Julia free. For listening." He drifted off and was asleep in only a minute or so.

Heath looked at Nick and said, "I'll bring you some dinner up and be back around three to spell you."

"No," Nick said. "Bring up the food, but I'll spend the night here and hang around the house tomorrow to help him out. You get some sleep tonight and go out on the range in the morning."

Heath could tell Nick just wanted to be with his older brother, so he nodded and got up. "All right," he said and went out the door.

Nick settled back in the chair Heath had vacated and just sat for a while. Heath was right, that things would be easier to carry in the daylight, but for now, if Jarrod woke up and needed help carrying them, Nick wanted to be the one to do it. Nick felt even smaller for the way he had treated Jarrod and Julia the night Jarrod had brought her home. He should have known the minute they came in the door, Julia wearing Jarrod's coat over her shoulders, that there was something going on there. He should have just let the woman come into the house and let his older brother talk about it when he wanted to.

But no. Nick knew he was the kind of man who hated it when something was going on and he wasn't in on it, even if it wasn't any of his business. Well, now he knew the story – and he didn't feel a whole lot better. Things piling up he was going to have to live with, Jarrod had said. Nick sighed and shook his head. Life hadn't been too easy on Big Brother for a while. Well, Nick decided, it's gonna be easier coming from me from now on. I promise you that, Pappy.

Heath came up with a tray of food for Nick, and he set it down on the dresser, asking quietly, "You gonna be all right for the night?"

"Yeah," Nick said, not getting up yet. "We'll be fine. Hey – " he said as Heath turned to leave.

Heath turned back.

"Thanks for getting him to talk," Nick said. "Big Brother can be as tight-lipped as they come sometimes."

"Sometimes," Heath agreed. "Sometimes you just gotta start asking the right questions in the right way."

Nick chuckled. "Not yelling like a demon, right?"

Heath smiled one of his crooked smiles. "You're learning, Nick. Good night."

"Good night," Nick said.

The End