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Facing the past
The next day found Thorin standing in front of his throne, with his eyes casting a grim look at his interlocutor. That morning when he woke next to Eilin, he was not well rested nor calm at heart. There were things left unsaid and undone that needed to be taken care off and weighed heavily on his mind. So he tucked her in bed carefully and drew the curtains well in front of his window, hoping that she would sleep to her heart's desire. Up there no one could find and wake her up for work. If anyone did knock on his door, she knew very well not to answer and no one would dare open it up without an invitation. Not even his sister.
Instead of going to his office to start of a typical day, he decided that it was time to face his nightmares and get one of his problems off his back. He ordered Balin to bring Servin to the throne room. Something that made Balin's face lit up in obvious relief. On his way up Dain and Dwalin intercepted and followed him. Dain carrying his own agenda and Dwalin the usual protectiveness towards Thorin. Before he had the time to talk with either of them, Balin arrived with Servin and the conversation that ensued had the makings of a big drama from the first words uttered. After exchanging some good-mornings, Servin inquired about the reason he was called. To which Thorin asked openly what it was that Servin was trying to accomplish by raising questions about the arkenstone. The answer that came from Servin's mouth was coldly honest and very bold considering whom he was addressing.
"The Blacklock delegation are not ready to give you their vote of confidence".
Thorin crossed his arms behind his back and his eyes thinned on Servin.
The imposing dwarf lord twisted his lips, "Unless the Arkenstone sits proudly above your head, my family will not take part in your coronation".
Thorin tilted his head slightly, "Very well".
"That's it?" Servin frowned.
"What more do you need?" Thorin's eyes were as cold as ice.
"You do understand that we came here upon your call to unite under the King's gem and it's not here", Servin pointed above his head.
"That was the hobbit's doing, I've told you before", Dain crossed his arms, "Why do you insist on making such a big deal out of something that will be sorted out soon enough?"
"When will it be sorted? My people need an answer", Servin's eyes were relentless.
"When the answer is ready, you shall have it", Thorin raised his brow.
"Is even anything been done about the arkenstone?!" Servin crossed his arms angrily.
"No, he's been waiting for the bloody Blacklocks to come and drive him into action!" Dain grumbled.
Dwalin raised his brow and crossed his arms also as he stood next to the throne.
"Don't raise your tone to me you pompous fool!" Servin spat.
Dain was in his face within fractions of a second, "Listen you daft troll! The Longbeards and the Stonefoots have already given their pledge to this man, despite the arkenstone. A shiny rock will not change his epic legacy as a fierce warrior and an unparalleled ruler. Now if the Blacklocks have an issue, then maybe you should leave! Who needs you anyway!?" He snapped and then turned to Thorin, "Are you done with him, because I need to talk to you about my niece".
"Of course he is not done with me! I am representing the whole Blacklock family. What do you think I am? A vagabond dwarf that just came in for a couple of drinks? The Broadbeams are marching to Erebor, and the Blacklocks have a very good relationship with them. They will listen to the worries of my family about the arkenstone. Besides even if one family decides to bail out, this coronation will never take place", Servin raised his brow.
Thorin leaned his face on his palm feeling tired to the bones, "Silence both of you".
Dain and Servin cast each other a couple of angry looks before crossing their arms and turning their attention to the King.
"Servin, you are manoeuvring the absence of the arkenstone into a diplomatic game that's not meant for the ears of my cousin and close friend", his eyes fell heavy on Siv's brother.
Servin made to speak, but Thorin's hand stopped him, "Allow me the time to address Dain's worries about his family, and we shall talk more privately".
Servin tilted his head nobly and took a step back, "Certainly".
Then Thorin turned to Dain, "Tell me cousin".
Dain took a few steps forth, "Karunn, why is she leaving?"
"Maybe you should ask her", Thorin pressed his lips.
"Did she do something inappropriate, please tell me. I worry mostly about my brother. She has never travelled outside the Ironhills, and moreover alone". Dain said and approached the throne.
"I've given her escort long before you did, but she denied it. As for what happened, I am not going to be the one to divulge any wrong doings. It's up to her to speak to you or to her father. Let's just say that she needs to adjust her attitude in order to be able to feel welcomed in Erebor", Thorin said calmly.
"And yet you didn't throw her out of the city, did you?" Dain frowned.
"No, but I offered strict advice, which she didn't take well at heart", Thorin raised his brow.
"Stupid girl! Stupid!" Dain snapped and turned around, "I need to inform my brother of what has taken place here and I don't know what to tell him. One of his daughters remains a maid of honour to the princess and the other is running away. I cannot force you to tell me any details, but give me something. Anything, to tell him that will ease his mind".
"Tell him that I value him deeply and that I find his youngest daughter of pristine ethics and an impeccable character, but he could have done a better job with his oldest one. She cannot feel welcomed in this stronghold until she learns how to respect the ones that are sustaining this city by the sweat of their brow. Her pride and arrogance don't belong here. She must learn humility and modesty as they portrait purity of the soul, something that I value deeply. I am very saddened that I had to act against a member of his family, but your niece has taken this choice away from me by her attitude. Will that be enough for Fain?" Thorin said with serene loftiness.
Dain closed his eyes and nodded, "It's more than enough for me. I know Karunn…I know how nasty she can become. I will not even ask who she attacked this time, but she has created havoc one too many times back in the Ironhills. My brother is well aware of her short temper".
Thorin nodded, "I would suggest you speak with her".
Dain pressed his lips and shook his head, "I tried, but she is not speaking".
"There is nothing more that I can do cousin. I am sorry", Thorin said calmly.
"I know", Dain nodded.
"Very well, if this is settled allow me to speak with Servin", Thorin closed his eyes already feeling tired even though the hardest part was yet to come.
Dain bowed, "Certainly" and left with a strong military pace that echoed in the throne room.
Dwalin uncrossed his arms and came closer to Thorin, "Are we picking up this idiocy again?" He asked.
Servin's mouth dropped open, "How can you allow him to speak like that?"
Thorin smirked, "I am not his mother. Besides Dwalin is not the one to stand on etiquette, his brother is. Don't mix them up".
Dwalin raised his brow and smiled smugly.
Servin crossed his arms, "Dwalin's offensive attitude will not stop me. I will raise questions about your rulership not only in my delegation, but also with the Broadbeams".
"That sounds like a threat", Thorin raised his brow thoughtfully.
"We were expecting the arkenstone…and it's not here", Servin pointed above his throne.
"The King that sits below that empty place doesn't matter? Is it the King's gem that will rule you?" Dwalin snapped.
Servin pulled back slightly, "What are you talking about? Of course the King is the most important part of this unity, but the arkenstone…"
Thorin spoke above him, "Is only an excuse".
Servin was taken aback, "what?"
Thorin sighed deeply, "An excuse…we are alone now, we can speak more freely. All this charade is a poor excuse isn't it?"
Servin looked at him long and silence befell amongst them for a few moments that became heavier and heavier with each breath they took.
"It is", Thorin exhaled feeling his heart complaining.
It took Servin several tense moments to allow his eyes to meet Thorin's, "I suppose it is".
"Ever since you arrived, you have been trying to find a way to cause problems. I cannot deny that the loss of the arkenstone weighs heavily upon my heart, especially with the families arriving one after the other, but I haven't been idle. Truth is, I am not obliged to divulge my endeavours about the arkenstone to anyone. Are we clear on that front?" Thorin's eyes fixed on him gravely.
Servin nodded, but his previous self assurance seemed to have evaporated after Thorin decided to face him with such unruffled honesty, "Yes".
"Of course the families decide whom to pledge their allegiance to and that is something I cannot change. As you pointed out correctly, the unity of the seven Kingdoms will not happen if one family pulls out. All that is true and I am here to take on that challenge, but you are not here for this, are you?"
Servin averted his eyes, "No".
"You didn't come here by chance", that was not a question.
"No, I asked to take command of the army that was being send to you", Servin looked up at him with renewed bravery.
Thorin nodded, "Then let us both be brave and set this nightmare to rest".
Servin visibly swallowed and gave him a curt nod, "Let us".
"Speak freely in front of Dwalin. He's much more than my lieutenant. He is like a brother to me".
Servin looked at Dwalin who puffed up in pride, "What I wish to speak off is personal and very painful. Therefore if you are certain that Dwalin can hear words meant only for your ears let him remain".
As apprehension gripped Thorin's guts, he backed up two steps and emptied himself on his throne, "He can". Wasn't it ironic that the first time he ever needed to sit on it, was because he was feeling on the verge of defeat, instead of pride?
Servin nodded and cast his eyes down. The uncertainty, now that they had decided to speak with honesty, was clearly visible in his face. "You know I came here to discuss about my family and your rather unfavourable history with one of them".
"You should have done so from the beginning instead of going around in circles", Thorin's voice deepened.
"That was a mistake, but it took me endless sleepless nights to gather the courage to face you. This isn't easy for me and I dare imagine not easy for you either".
Thorin shook his head, "It's not".
"My King speak from the heart. Did you ever expect to see me again?"
"No…", he didn't feel the need to keep up any pretence. Apparently this meeting's reasons were as wretched as he had been fearing from the first moment.
"The look in your eyes when we first saw each other again, said everything that needed to be said", Servin smiled, but there was an undertone of bitterness in his voice that Thorin felt deep under his skin.
He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, "I am well aware".
"The understanding was immediate between us Thorin and even though I wanted to face you right at that moment, I kept myself silent. It was not my place to speak in front of your court. Come to think of it, trying to find explanations after so long is probably useless anyway. This conversation will help no one, apart maybe from me. My heart ached to communicate with you from the first moment the ravens of Ravenhill arrived in our stronghold. Why, you may ask, didn't I come earlier to find you in the Blue Mountains…" he let that thought float free.
Thorin's look slowly turned despondent, "I had been expecting you, so why didn't you?"
"I was not ready to face you without retaliating in some brutal manner. Is it unfair to seek answers and repayment now from the legendary Oakenshield? From Durin's heir? When you are one step from reuniting all the dwarven families under one rule?", Servin's words fell heavy and the silence that followed them was only broken by the hammering of the masons that were dangling from long ropes on one of the huge broken statues of his forefathers.
Thorin felt sweat breaking on his forehead, "It is fair and long due".
"There are things left unsaid between us that haunt me. Answers that need to be given even after so long to a brother who adored his sister", Servin said with eyes of fire that seared through Thorin's steely exterior like butter.
"I understand", Thorin's voice was barely heard.
"I could have avoided this trip Thorin. There were other commanders that could have taken my place", Servin looked up at him.
"You did well by coming here yourself", Thorin said quietly.
Dwalin came next to the throne and offered them a guarded look.
"You know what I longed to see most from you?", Servin's eyes darkened.
Thorin's face paled.
"Your face…your eyes…when I spoke about my sister. I wanted to see your face when I spoke to you about her!" Servin voice rose.
Thorin didn't dare breathe.
"You know how many times I yearned to storm the Blue Mountains and ask Durin's heir to come out and fight me after she died? Hundreds if not thousands, but I never did…She wouldn't have wanted me to do such a thing". Servin's eyes pierced him.
Thorin was speechless, nay a step from death as Servin's words tore open all the half closed wounds in his heart.
Dwalin felt his turmoil and tried to intervene "Why in the name of Mahal are you digging up this hell for him now!?" his voice thundered, making the workers look up in fear.
"Because I was torn to threads by her death a hundred and fifty years ago and only now I feel partly secure that I can listen to his side of the story before raising my sword against him", Servin said and then turned his eyes at a pale Thorin, "because only now I can face you and trust myself not to kill you instantly. Now I can ask what happened that dreadful day, all the days before and what you had to do with her death, without wishing to see your blood at the end of my sword".
"Thorin had nothing to do with her death! I was there when we found her and brought her in for burial. It was a bloody accident!" Dwalin cried and made to attack Servin, but Thorin's heavy hand stopped him.
"No…" his voice was deep and unused.
"You have a sister Thorin. What would you do if someone debauched her, swore marriage to her and then abandoned her. Tell me if someone had treated Dis like that, what would you have done?" Servin's eyes filled with tears.
"Killed them…I would have killed them", Thorin said expressionless. His face looked as if he was seeing the very ghost of Siv speaking to him from the grave.
"My sister told me everything. Her last crow informed me of your denial to the engagement and that they were on their way home. You may have not killed her with a sword, but you killed her by your refusal. If she hadn't left Erebor, she would probably still be alive", Servin continued relentless.
"So you know the truth already", Thorin's mouth spilled numbly.
Servin smiled bitterly, "I wanted to hear it from you and I wanted to remind you of her!"
Thorin swallowed heavily, "Have I ever dared to forget her perchance?"
"He's never stopped punishing himself for what happened. I won't allow you to punish him more…by heavens this stops now!" Dwalin made another move towards Servin who thoroughly ignored him.
Thorin's hand tighten around Dwalin's, keeping him in place.
"Your eyes showed me everything I needed to know immediately. They showed me how truthful the words of my sister had been. Why did you betray her Thorin? I know how honourable your are. Why did you treat my sister like that….what in the name of Mahal happened?" Servin took a step forth demandingly.
His eyes overflowed with tears he was unable to stop and he released Dwalin's forearm, "even after so many centuries you deserve an answer from me this time, but first you must follow me", he said and pushed himself up with difficulty.
"Where to?" Servin frowned.
"To her grave. Only there will I be able to say everything that my heart had kept under locks for more than my skin was ever able to bear. Now that answers are being demanded out of me, I long to get everything off my chest. I suffered too long for this, I won't lie about a single thing. You deserve the truth", he said and bypassed Servin with a quiet tempo that didn't betray the wild beating of his heart.
"Thorin no…don't do this!" Dwalin run up to him.
"Remain here", he said without giving him a look.
"I will come with you…" Dwalin's voice dropped.
Thorin stopped and placed his palm on his friend's chest stopping his advance, "remain here. This is something that should have happened long ago. I need to do it alone".
Dwalin's eyes filled with tears, "no…you don't. Haven't you suffered enough for this?"
"She demands answers from her grave and I will give them to her, through her brother. I should have told her the truth sooner Dwalin. Maybe then all this would have been avoided", his voice was deep and his face though pale, was decisive.
Dwalin pulled back and looked at him in apprehension until Thorin smiled sadly and turned around.
Their ride away from Erebor was coated in apprehensive silence. One man was thinking how to open up about secrets that he had kept under locks forever, and the other was afraid of what he was going to hear. They pressed on until they reached Erebor's burial grounds and then Thorin led Servin to his sister's grave quietly. He crossed his arms and remained a few steps behind respectfully as Servin took his time to greet his sister again and pray at her feet. Thorin kept his eyelids heavily shut and felt like a hand was squeezing painfully around his throat making it difficult for him to breathe. The last thing he ever wanted was to face Siv's brother. Not because he was afraid of a confrontation, but because he didn't want to stain her memory. Standing there under the heavy snowfall he wondered how he could answer all the questions that would come from her honourable brother. How would her spirit feel if she knew what he was about to do? When Servin turned around Thorin didn't see him, but when his voice spoke, Thorin's body shuddered so hard that his teeth gritted tightly behind his thin lips.
"How did she die?" His voice was hushed.
Thorin opened his eyes with difficulty, "It was an accident".
"I've heard, but I want to know how you found her. Everything. Tell me everything", Servin's eyes were demanding.
"The wheel of their carriage broke upon a slippery turn south of Ravenhill. Ground was frozen and guards that found them said that several smaller trees and bushes had been torn apart, which meant the carriage had considerable speed", Thorin looked down at him as if waiting for confirmation to continue.
Servin nodded and his hands became tight fists.
"You father was impaled by a rogue wood that had broken from the floor of the carriage and Siv was laying some way off with her neck broken", Thorin felt his skin crawling when he remembered the sound her neck made when he picked her up and his jawline tightened painfully.
"Was she bloody?" Servin shuddered visibly and his eyes filled with tears.
"No…" Thorin exhaled and felt his own eyes reciprocating.
"They were getting away from Erebor because of you Thorin", Servin's accusation didn't feel more painful than the guilt that had been riding him hard for over a century.
"I know".
"How did it ever come down to this between you? Tell me. You've loved my sister forever, or so she revealed in her letter before she left Erebor", Servin took a step closer.
"I've loved her from the first moment I saw her. We were a little more than children then, but her beauty blinded every reason out of me", Thorin lowered his eyes.
Servin rubbed his forehead and smiled sadly, "She was very pretty, wasn't she?"
"The beauty of her soul was what captivated me and I swore to myself that if I couldn't get her to love me back, I would remain forever alone. I was only fifteen when I chose my partner for life, without her even knowing. She was completely oblivious that half of Erebor was mooning over her, including me", Thorin felt his lips breaking in a ghostly smile as he looked at his boots.
"Did anybody else know of your decision then?" Servin asked quietly.
"Only Dwalin. My family never learned, apart from my father later on".
Servin's face closed up, "Of course, since you never made your love official. Why? What the hell took hold of the honourable King I know? You are the last person I would have expected to act so low. What you did is so out of character…Why?! Tell me why!?"
Thorin's hand lifted in a gesture of patience and his eyes fell closed once again, "When we became of age, I decided to do something about the fire that was burning my heart. I will never forget the day I found her amidst her friends in some party and approached her. It needed all the courage I could master, to ask her to accompany me to the river. We were good friends by then and it was not something unusual to pass time together, but that day I confessed everything. How I couldn't sleep because her face was waking me up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. How I admired her and how I longed to offer her any romantic token I owned, just for a simple kiss on her lips. I never expected her to reciprocate my approach so willingly and after that day we never separated. I was fifteen when I fell deeply and madly in love with her. Forty five when I took up the courage to claim her and forty eight when I lost her".
"When we all lost her", Servin wiped a stray tear.
Thorin nodded, "During these two and half years I lived in paradise which I didn't want to let out of my hands, because I knew I would never find a similar one. I know you cannot believe me now, but I was going to make your sister the queen of Erebor. I was so certain that I confessed all my plans to her on various occasions, convincing her of my true intentions. Unfortunately I failed her with the worst possible way".
"What happened?" Servin asked coldly.
Thorin raised his eyes on him and swallowed a tight throat, "I was given a choice. Either to help my family overcome difficulties that only later were partly revealed to the common people, or marry. I couldn't have both".
"You are talking about the gold sickness, aren't you? Thror's descent into madness?" Servin's mask of coldness broke ever so slightly.
Thorin nodded heavily, "I couldn't hold back Thror's fading insanity, help my father rule Erebor, and marry at the same time".
"So you chose your family…"
He cut off Servin bitterly, "Over your honourable sister, yes. I chose them instead of her", he repeated so that it could sink in deep for both him and Servin.
Her brother nodded and closed his eyes, "She wrote that you had been secretly engaged for some time".
"It's true".
"She said you made love." Servin's voice fell.
Thorin tightened his teeth and remained silent.
"Did you?!" Servin's jawline tightened.
"Yes" Thorin's eyes opened up, "Yes, we did…I cannot excuse myself to you, nor to myself, but above all to her. I betrayed my promises and she decided to leave me. Which is something that I cannot blame. I asked her to remain and wait for me to a find a way, but she didn't want to wait for me anymore. She had enough".
Servin pulled back and rubbed his forehead, "So you stained her, you promised her and you betrayed her. You couldn't have done things worse".
Thorin inhaled deeply against the need to tell Servin about Thrain's offer to keep her as a secret lover. Something that he denied fervently, which ended up with them breaking apart forever. Staining the memory of Siv was enough for one noon. Staining the memory of his dead father was too much for his skin, "When she stopped breathing, I stopped breathing with her. It still feels like choking and I cannot be free of it," he lifted his eyes up to Servin in despair.
"But is it your deep love for her that makes you feel that, or your guilt?" Servin's words cut deep.
He didn't hesitate, "both".
"Was it fear or guilt that kept you from coming to find me?" Servin asked.
He didn't hesitate again, "I didn't want to stain her memory. She died a clean woman and I swore to keep her memory as such".
Servin's eyes filled with tears that released this time almost violently. He turned around and cupped his mouth, "You debauched her…you stained my beloved sister".
"I did", Thorin came down on one knee and averted his eyes from Siv's brother.
"Yet, there were no children", Servin said in a dark afterthought, his lips trembling under his hand.
"No", Thorin cringed painfully.
"You made half love to her?" Servin's eyes came ablaze.
"No, never. The creator didn't honour us with any children, because he foresaw how dishonourable I was going to be towards her. Mahal protected your sister and punished me. I cannot have children", Thorin's felt his vocal chords almost being torn by these wretched words, even though he was speaking in barely a whisper.
Servin nodded, "Mahal is wise".
Thorin began falling apart at the seams. That part of his life had never been revealed to anyone until now. Not even Dwalin. Two and half years they made love and no children blossomed from their intimacy. At first he thought it was bad luck, but later everything slowly changed. He became steadily certain that he was being punished by the Gods. That they made him infertile, because they saw the difficulty of his future decision and knew he was going to betray her. He never spoke of these deep open wounds that still bled in him, when he understood that he was unable to impregnate the woman he loved. Not even to her. This was a curse that he was to carry to the end of his life and made him embrace his sister's sons like his own from the first moment he laid eyes on them.
Servin's blood boiled under his cold skin for a long time before his eyes settled towards the horizon and he pulled out his sword, "You know I will need reprimanding…"
"Yes", Thorin nodded and closed his eyes.
"This should have happened long before, but I didn't trust myself not to backstab you. At least now I can warn you to pull out your sword and face me!" Servin hissed and wiped away his tears, "I never wanted to do this Thorin. My blood," he punched his heart, "boils for revenge, but my mind screams against this folly. I do not want to fight the Mountain King. I don't want to fight a legend of our people, but you are leaving me no choice! Now that I know the truth I won't be able to rest unless I strike you down".
"I understand", Thorin nodded with his eyes still shut tight.
"She trusted you…"
"Yes".
"She loved you", Servin's voice fell.
"Yes".
"You made love to her", he continued relentless.
"Yes".
"And you left her", he whispered.
Thorin nodded and his jawline tightened, "I did".
"I heard what you said about your family and the gold sickness. I can understand the weight that had befallen your shoulders as a commander, but as a brother I will never give you any excuses for what you did to her", he said with quiet determination.
Thorin remained silent, still on one knee with his eyes closed.
After a long tense moment Servin's hand tightened around the hilt of his heavy weapon, "Pull out your sword".
Thorin's teeth gritted and he quietly did so.
"Stand up and defend yourself against me, as I fight you for the honour of my dead sister!" Servin commanded with a dark voice.
Thorin didn't speak. He laid the sword across his knee and kept hold of it loosely with his hands, "I am ready".
The minutes rolled by painfully slow as Servin was trying to decide the fate of Thorin, and as the later was trying to keep all his self preservation instincts chained in front of Servin's justified wrath. When finally Servin released a feral cry and turned around with his sword raised to strike him down, Thorin didn't pull back or lift his sword to defend himself. He emptied his mind and blackness engulfed him as he felt the air of Servin's sword swishing. The heavy cold steel stopped a few inches from his cheek. Nothing apart from a delicate twitch of his jawline betrayed that he was going through an uncontrollable torrent of violently awoken emotions.
The silence fell on them heavy…almost unearthly as Servin's blade began shaking. Thorin opened up his eyes and looked at Siv's brother with such desolation, that Servin broke down. He cupped his mouth and kneeled down in front of Thorin, throwing his sword away in disgust, "Why didn't you defend yourself?"
"I'd never raise a weapon against you Servin", he said with quiet calmness.
Servin was crying hard, "You loved her…"
"More than life. She was my one…and I gave her away to sustain the lineage of my family. Now you know the truth. I haven't kept a single secret from you. Not even the embarrassment of my infertility. Something that no one else in this world knows now apart from you. Your sister deserved much better than me. I was a lesser man to her and I betrayed her even though it pained me deeply, which I don't expect you to believe. Still her ghost haunts my decisions, cursing me not to find happiness anywhere. If there is a small chance I might find happiness with someone else, she returns with a vengeance to take it away from me. I am deserving of her wrath and of her punishment, so spare me yours. I ask your forgiveness for defiling your sister in ways that my love for her should have forbidden. Yet, I am a lesser man as I said…I fell victim to my weakness and didn't raise up to my responsibilities. I'd never lay a hand on you no matter how many things are at stake from my death. Prince Fili and Lord Dain are better men than me. Maybe my fate should have been death up at Ravenhill, in order to allow a better man to step on Erebor's throne and for me to return to your sister, as regretful in spirit as I am down here doomed to be forever. All is in your hands", he said and offered him the Orcrist.
Servin groaned in pain and pushed the sword away, "I don't want to fight you. I wanted to know the truth and only that. As for forgiveness, it's not mine to give, but my sister's and I don't know if you will ever have that. Forgive me for raising my sword against you. Sometimes life brings us against hard choices that are so difficult to take. I don't know what I would have done, had I been in your place Thorin. Maybe your decisions were justified, but the brother in me is screaming in pain. Maybe if my sister waited a bit longer things would have been different. Maybe she wouldn't have died in that terrible accident. Maybe she would have been married by now to someone else. I cannot turn back time and I cannot change the course of history, no matter how much I yearn to do it. I will return to Erebor, as half a man as I was before, but with every answer in my hands now. I shall remain commander of the Blacklock army, pledging my allegiance under the King's gem. My personal feud with you has been laid to rest as much as my heart allows me. I deeply value your legacy as a commander and a King, but now I know more about your weaknesses than I would have ever wanted. Maybe they are the ones that make you a mortal like the rest of us and not a demigod, but I cry that these weaknesses lost me my sister", he said and bowed respectfully. His hand extended and clasped Thorin's forearm tightly, "You have my army, you have my loyalty to death, but not my heart. Forgive me for being a lesser man also, but I am as imperfect as you…I have flaws …..and I miss my sister".
"There hasn't been a single day I haven't missed her also," he looked up and his eyes were full of tears.
Servin closed his eyes and squeezed Thorin's forearm, "Am I allowed to return at Erebor as your subject, my King?"
He nodded weakly and closed his eyes feeling one step from falling apart in front of Siv's grave, "yes".
Servin bowed once more respectfully at the kneeling King and left. Thorin remained there with his hands extended upon his sword, down on one knee, listening to the hooves of Servin's horse galloping away from the royal burial grounds. It took him a long time to sheath his sword and walk tiredly away from the haunted forest behind him. He walked pensively, with his head bowed low and his back broken, holding the reigns of his horse that followed him quietly, as if sensing his distress.
When he emptied himself in front of a cypress he felt at the end of his courage, but strangely what happened with Servin had emptied him. He felt weirdly cleansed off a deep dark secret that he had kept from her immediate family for ages. He leaned his back on the tree trunk and buried his face on his palm thinking of everything that had happened with Siv, about his brutal decisions and about his unexpected ability to admit his mistakes and flaws to the only person in Middle Earth that mattered, when all these years he had been unable to admit them to anyone else, but himself.
He remained there trying to calm his drumming heart not aware that forty minutes away from him Servin was alighting by the gates of Erebor only to be detained by a very pissed off looking Dwalin who immediately demanded answers, "Where is the King, for by God if you have harmed him I shall kill you", his words were spat through his teeth.
Servin pulled his arm free and gazed at him dejected, "The King is unharmed".
"Where!?" Dwalin brought his face up to him.
"At the royal burial grounds", Servin said and left wordlessly.
The dawn of understanding on Dwalin's face was broken by Balin's voice that spoke in confusion, "what the hell is going on with Servin?"
Dwalin inhaled sharply, taken aback, "You don't want to know", he said and his eyes searched the grounds quickly.
"Where is Thorin?" Balin frowned.
"You don't want to know either. Where is Eilin?" He asked urgently.
"There, she is assisting with Karunn's carriage", Balin crossed his arms, "what do you want with her?"
"Find me a horse", Dwalin said and marched up to Eilin.
"What do you want with her?" Balin insisted.
"I said find me a bloody horse, before I blow this joint in the air!" Dwalin barked and reached the carriage with heavy steps.
Balin frowned and went to ask one of the soldiers for a horse.
"You, young lady! Off the carriage!" He pointed at her angrily.
Eilin blanched thinking that she did something wrong, "What did I do?" She whispered.
"She's helping me, by the Princess's orders", Valdis intervened politely, no matter this man's brutal ways.
He looked at her and his face softened slightly, "Excuse me my lady, but we have an emergency. Please allow me to borrow her from you. When I return I will help you with the carriage myself".
Valdis looked at him suspiciously for a moment before offering him a grateful smile that warmed his heart for a tiny second, "Of course then. By all means Eilin you are free".
Dwalin bowed at her with more grace than Eilin would have ever expected from him. His face set the moment he looked at her, "Off the carriage! You are coming with me", he said and grabbed her arm, almost emptying her onto the ground.
"Hey, wait…where are we going?" She asked as he grabbed her by the bicep and dragged her behind him.
"I need you", he muttered and reached a horse that Balin was holding.
"Why the hell are you dragging the girl like this around?" Balin asked and Bofur made a sudden appearance.
"Hey hey hey! Keep your hands off of her", Bofur made to get to him, but Dwalin's large hand grabbed him by the lapels and lifted him easily off the ground.
"You both keep clear of my business now, before someone gets hurt. Understand?" His eyes gleamed in anger.
Bofur unhooked his fingers from his tunic and pulled back panting, "what's gotten into you?"
Balin frowned deeply, "brother what the hell are you doing?"
"I am trying to stop things from rolling in too deep" he said and pushed Eilin up, "You go up", he said and then followed her. Before anyone else had time to stop them he kicked the flanks of his horse and set it in a quick gallop.
"Will you tell me where you are taking me?!" She cried and poked his shoulder from behind.
"He needs you!" He cried and Eilin's face paled as she understood immediately that he was talking about Thorin and judging from the way he tore her away from Erebor, things were not good at all.
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