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Crossroads
He was dozing off, half in, half out of reality with his head resting at the tree bark and his arm leaning on his bend knee. Having mulled over everything that took place until his mind grew weary. The tears that appeared during his standoff with Servin, never got released, not even now that he was alone with his thoughts. His eyes squinted slightly to see the snowy valley beneath him and even though the weather was as moody as him, the brightness of the sun that broke through the heavy clouds, was enough to hurt his head. He locked his eyelids again and remained still for an undetermined amount of time, not planning to return to Erebor soon, until he heard galloping coming from the dirt road. His eyes remained closed almost effortlessly as he was not in the mood to face anyone. The fact that someone took the time to come find him, meant that they would have serious questions he didn't to answer.
The footsteps that walked up to him seemed too airy to belong to a man and her scent announced her identity long before her voice.
"Hey…" she forced a smile on her lips and kneeled in front of him.
"Hey" he whispered feeling totally exhausted.
"Are you okay?" the ball of her forefinger brushed his jawline.
He trembled unwillingly at the sudden touch and opened his eyes. "What are you doing here?"
She pointed back with her head at Dwalin that was waiting patiently upon his horse, "Your best friend brought me over".
His head wiggled imperceptibly, "He shouldn't have".
"He said you needed me", her fingers caught his warrior braid and twisted it between them.
His attempt at a smile ended up in a pained grimace, "This is not a good moment for me Eilin". He was clearly trying to keep his emotions in check.
"I think I have figured that out on my own", she gave him a sad smile.
He huffed and his nose flared.
She looked thoughtfully at his mouth for a few moments, "Hey…handsome…you know I am not going away, right?" she whispered.
His jaw flexed and he kept his eyes religiously away from her.
"Hey….look at me", she pulled him by the warrior braid and forced him to face her.
He did so, but the look in his eyes was so desolate that her heart cried in dismay.
"Will this help maybe?" She released his hair, opened up his legs and burrowed in. Before he had the chance to push her away she leaned her body on him. She drew her legs up, allowing her knees to rest just below his ribcage and then her arms wrapped under his armpits and caught tight hold of his shoulder blades. Her head rested under his chin and she smiled contently. "I cannot be the only in this bloody relationship that will break down and cry all the time, okay? Now it's your turn", she whispered and kissed him once on his exposed neck before settling against him cozily once more.
His arms came around her quickly, deciding for him, long before his mind was able to take control and mess everything with it's overthinking. He drew her in and planted a soft kiss on the top of her head. When his cheek rested exactly where his mouth had kissed a moment ago, his eyelids fluttered closed and the first tears escaped him. The exhalation of relief that relaxed his shoulders was felt by her and she rubbed him firmly, "good, take it all out. I am here…"
Her words made his throat convulse and the flood of tears this time was unstoppable. Then he allowed himself to empty everything onto the small woman that couldn't even close her arms around his back, but whose heart was big enough to embrace him and all his nightmares. Instead of punishing himself with more thoughts about how he was staining Siv's memory by holding this woman in his arms, he allowed himself endless tears of sorrow, but also relief...and they held tight onto each other.
A fleeting wordless look towards his best friend was enough to display all the gratefulness he felt in his heart, before he closed his eyes again overwhelmed by silent tears that didn't seem to want to stop. As the hooves of Dwalin's horse sounded in the distance he remained around her, feeling his jaw flexing and every muscle on his face contorting in order to keep his emotions on hold, but the more he tried, the more the tears exploded out of him as if they had a mind of their own. He cried for Siv and for Kili equally hard and Eilin remained there…caressing him tenderly, soothing him, kissing his burning cheeks and temples, stippling her fingers through his, until after a long time he started settling down. When he felt his eyes empty and sore, he leaned his head on her shoulder. His warm lips gave her smooth skin a gentle kiss and he remained quiet feeling his head buzzing. His body was in pain from the awkward position he was caught in, as he tried to bend his large frame crookedly around her small one, but he didn't want to move as the consolation she was offering was too precious to lose. He inhaled deeply enough to hurt his lungs and exhaled upon her neck, looking thoughtfully at her prickly skin. When her soft voice spoke, he welcomed it like dry land welcomes the rain.
"Where have you been hiding all this grief?"
His lips turned down, "good question".
"World doesn't expect it's mighty Kings to grieve this hard, right?", the quietness of her voice didn't smooth down the brutality of those words.
"The world is merciless. Mighty Kings are not allowed to be tormented by guilt trips and dishonourable pasts", a dark shadow covered his brow.
"Oh, this is serious", her fingers got buried so gently into the hair of his temple that he closed his eyes against the sensation.
"You can say that".
"Kings can't have the same weaknesses as common people?" she huffed and caressed him so softly that his strong body shook in response.
"No, they can't", he sounded almost relentlessly cold then.
"So, you've been swallowing up all that darkness for long?"
"Longer than I remember", he admitted.
"Did you have anyone to hold you while you emptied yourself?"
He choked on fresh tears and shook his head, "No".
"Dwalin didn't try to do it?" she smiled softly.
He tightened his lock around her and a ghostly smile came on, at her attempted humour, "don't ever change Eilin".
"I won't", she cupped his cheek lovingly, "did you come here in order to empty all that darkness then?"
"No, I came here to face the past".
"Did you?"
His nod was so small, a breath and she would have missed it.
"Feel better for doing so, or worse?"
"I don't know yet", he frowned.
"Being so close to the burial grounds I cannot help but remember your words that night you took me to the enchanted lake. Is this maybe related?" she asked gently, trying to make him open up.
"Yes".
"Okay, whom did you come to visit, man or woman?" She asked quietly.
"Woman"
"Oh, I see…", the slight catch on her voice made him tense, and his grip around her became tighter for fear that she was going to draw back.
Yet, she didn't. Instead she caressed the side of his face until her forefinger outlined his lips, "Did you love her?"
"With every morsel of my poor heart", he talked under his breath.
She pressed her forehead onto him, wanting to assert her presence there, in view of these words. "What happened to her?"
"She died in a terrible accident", his voice turned clinical, but she missed the flare of his nose.
She sighed, "Were you two engaged?"
He stiffened and she felt it, "Yes".
She hesitated then, "You didn't marry?"
"No", his tone became once more hushed.
She resettled herself against him and placed a warm kiss on his brow, "I am sorry".
"It sounds so out of place, doesn't it? Knowing the dwarven customs around love", he made a poor attempt at excusing himself to her.
She laid her cheek on top of his own, "knowing the few things I know about you, there must have been a pretty damned solid reason for you not to".
He closed his eyes in deep relief and enfolded her close to his heart, "Back then I thought so too. Now, I am not so sure".
"You are full of remorse aren't you? That's what all this is…" she said calmly.
"This runs far deeper than remorse. This is about betrayal. It's about not keeping promises", he shook his head trying to deny the honesty of his words in some manner, "you are in for a treat my Eilin, I am not as honourable as you may think. Brace yourself", his voice turned sour.
"You are in no danger of breaking promises you never made to me", she smiled and squeezed him reassuringly.
He frowned deeply disturbed once more by her words, "You have such an all embracing heart and you are so full of understanding. Dwalin shouldn't have brought you here. You don't belong amongst the ghosts of the past, nor should you be an outlet for my frustrations", he sounded defeated.
"On the contrary I am exactly where I should be", she let her words float.…waiting for him to ask.
He exhaled into her curls, "why?"
"You promised to allow me to hold your hand while you grieve. The offer was not made only for your nephew", her mouth formed into a satisfied smile he didn't see.
He inhaled her flowery scent and that discreet undertone of blossoming womanhood that was enough to fog his mind, "I cannot find words enough to thank you men gehyith*. I don't know why the maker deemed me worthy of you, for I am not".
"Was thinking the same thing this morning, when you were tucking me in bed…." She smiled.
"You were unlucky to be thrown into the path of a man that doesn't keep his promises…" his voice turned bitter.
Her brows creased in worry, "Thorin, you fear of breaking your promises and I fear of never living another dream like this one. Can we just let go of our fears and be for once? Don't we both deserve a little bit of happiness, no matter that it might not last forever?"
He relaxed slightly under her considerate words, "You certainly do…"
She frowned and pulled back, "Not you then?"
He swallowed heavily and shook his head, "I don't know about me".
Her palms left his chest and cupped his cheeks, focusing his eyes on hers, "Hey…we both deserve it, okay?"
He pressed his lips thoughtfully.
"Okay?" She repeated and caressed his jawline.
"Okay", he relented under her soft ways and offered her a reserved smile that blossomed her heart.
"Promise?" She bit her lower lip playfully, wanting to alleviate his darkness.
His tensed.
"I am only kidding…" she shook her head, "please get out of this bleak, all consuming mood. I am here".
He pulled her in and planted a firm kiss on the top of her head. His fingers got buried into her hair and twisted around it's long curly strands, waking up her scent, "men gimlelul"**
She smiled widely, "I love it when you speak Khuzdul to me. Makes me feel part of your race, makes me feel special".
"You belong to my race and you are far more special than you think", he whispered as his fingers brushed the base of her nape making goosebumps wake up on her skin. He pushed her back and inspected her hair thoughtfully. Then he picked up a long strand of silky redness.
"What are you doing?" She frowned.
His fingers split her lock in three parts and began braiding her with ease, "Just remaking your braid", his lips turned into a thoughtful lopsided smile.
She blushed, "you don't have to, really".
"I want to", his eyes left her braid and fell on her so intimate that her stomach filled with butterflies. The sudden burst of redness on her cheeks, caused his deep exhalation to form into the first honest smile of today.
Her heart delighted in that precious moment, "You are smiling".
His brows wiggled, "that's what you are doing to me. Dragging me out of darkness. An impossible feat".
She bit the inside of her lip, "I am so glad you feel better".
His eyes returned to her in smiling response for a brief moment before he concentrated on her hair again. She remained still, fully bewitched by his face as he worked on her quietly for several minutes taking care to perfect her braid. When he finished she tried to look down, but his forefinger pulled her up by the chin, "no…don't look yet".
"I don't have any hair beads with me…" she raised her brows.
"We don't need your hair beads", he murmured and closed her eyes with his fingers.
"What are you doing?" she frowned.
"Trust me", his voice was hushed.
He shifted and then something clicked on the end of her hair and she reached up to touch it, but his hand stopped her. His fingers stippled around hers and suddenly those impossibly warm and soft lips nuzzled hers.
"Oh…" she exhaled.
"Hush…" he whispered and kissed her softly…barely touching her. His palms cupped her cheeks keeping her there. His lips moved so slowly that her need to taste him deeper flared up with each passing moment. On the tail end of his third careful kiss, his mouth pressed firmly on hers and her breath came hot and almost desperate. He responded to her need by demanding entrance with a fervour she had not been expecting. When she reciprocated his attentions, he replied with a deep groan that vibrating through her chest and down to her stomach, clenching every single internal muscle she owned and the kiss blossomed into something deep and passionate they were hardly able to control. When they separated, they were fighting for breath and her mind was half buried in clouds of bliss, yet his raging kiss had been unable to make her forget that he had placed something at the end of her warrior braid. As she looked down her heartbeat turned wild in anticipation, not expecting to flatline the moment she realised what he had done.
"Thorin, this is one of yours", her voice was barely audible as her eyes looked up hungrily for his.
His gaze was so intense it send jolts of pleasure to her centre, "I know".
"It has your bloody sigil on it!" She yelled unable to fathom what was on her hair.
He snorted and all his graveness melted away under her beloved awkwardness, "you don't say…"
She raised a finger at him, "wait a bloody minute. This thing has your sigil on it!" She repeated.
"As does your coat, and the trousers you are wearing. Means you belong to me…", he raised his brow.
Her lips twitched coyly, "as if you needed to brand me with your sigil to know that already", her voice had such a playful dose of honesty in it.
He opened up his mouth to reply, but her finger put a stop to it, "Ah, shush! I don't know if I am the first one to tell you, but wearing your sigil as a maiden and having your hair bead have completely different meanings….", she raised her brow and put her finger on her lips thoughtfully, "even though it's the same rune, but who am I to judge dwarven customs".
He chuckled, "I am well aware…"
She pulled back and sat on her knees between his legs, "Are you serious now?"
His hands landed on her thighs and mauled them gently, "I wouldn't have done it, if I was not".
"You just gave me a hair bead…", she tried to make him understand the importance of all this.
He smiled "I know".
"A token of your romantic interest in me…." She waved her arms around casually, "something that is given in an official dwarven courting!"
"As if you needed a hair token to know that I am officially interested in you already", he teased.
"I know you are interested, but not that you were ready to declare it to the rest of the world", her eyes dilated.
He raised his brow, "Well then, apparently I am. Therefore I offered this poor gift to adorn your beauty".
She lifted her long braid and waved it in front of his partly amused face, "Poor? this thing is pure gold!"
"Oh, is it? Didn't see that….I'd better take it back then", he made to touch it, but she pulled back cradling it protectively.
"No, hell you won't! You gave it to me, now you are not taking it back!" She raised her brow at him in menace.
He laughed quietly then, unable to believe how this woman was able to draw him out of such deep darkness with such breathtaking ease. "Fine, then I won't".
"How am I going to be able to explain this to anyone who might notice it then?" She asked and her eyes had a small trace of fear in them.
"You are going to tell them that's a gift from the King", he tilted his head.
"A hair bead is a token of an official romantic interest…not much different from an engagement ring. Thorin, you are making this serious", she frowned.
"Am I?", he said casually.
Her frown deepened, "It's probably going to create hell for me, just so you'd know".
"Anyone who creates hell for you, shall have to answer to me…" his voice dropped and his hands caressed her face tenderly.
"You are declaring that you want me, in front of everyone! I am giving you another small reminder, that will maybe straighten your head", her voice diminished as he pulled her over, making her open her legs to straddle him.
"Stop trying to change my mind", he said quietly and his lips skimmed on the soft skin of her cleavage sending shots of warmth into her.
She exhaled with a smile and wrapped her arms around his neck, "thank you so much", she whispered and kissed the top of his head as he spread gentle kisses all over her collarbones.
"Nothing less than what you deserve", he whispered.
"You do understand that this token is a promise, don't you?"
He nodded and she felt his hot breath on her skin making her hair stand on attention, eagerly awaiting his next move.
"Don't you fear promises?", she raised her brow.
"A lot", he frowned.
"Then, why risk it?" she looked at him searchingly.
"My fear of promises is diminished by the fear of losing you", he admitted quietly.
His words touched her so deeply, that she felt on the verge of tears. She needed to show him how much this meant to her...to give him much more. She choked his name at the side of his long mane as her fingers took a handful and pulled him back, "Look at me".
He frowned.
"You did something remarkable for me. Something unfathomable and I need to reciprocate your gesture", her lips formed the most affectionate smile he had seen and she stood up.
"What are you doing?" He didn't seem pleased by the sudden loss of their intimacy.
She placed her finger at his mouth silencing him. "Nah! You, my handsome warrior will sit right here…not like that…not so stiffly…lean your head back", she said and pushed him. Then she scrutinised him and with a lot of effort tried to put one leg over the other, but it was so heavy it didn't even budge. She looked at him annoyed as he chuckled clearly amused. "Will you help me?" raised her brows annoyed.
He changed his position to accommodate her plans with no grumpiness, "like this?"
"Yes, now the hands, place them behind your head…" she did it for him, "…that looks relaxing…is it?"
"Preferred having you on my lap, to be quite honest", his lips turned down.
"Later…now allow me to roam this field and pick up some…" her brow raised provocatively and his raised also…
"Some, what?" He asked.
"Herbs to make you the best tea you have ever tasted when we return to Erebor", she beamed down to him.
He threw his hands down dejected, "You left my lap for a bloody cup of tea?"
She laughed then and it echoed into the field around them, warming up his heart, "Yes, but also for this…" she raised her brow and got ready.
He frowned confused but only for a moment, because her waist broke elegantly as she twisted around herself in a delicate move as her angelic voice filled the air.
"There is an inn, a merry old inn
beneath an old grey hill,
And there they brew a beer so brown
That the Man in the Moon himself came down
one night to drink his fill."
Thorin pulled away from the bark and turned around to look at her better, "oh, no, not again", he smiled widely.
She beckoned him with a soft elegant twist of her hand,
"The ostler has a tipsy cat
that plays a five-stringed fiddle;
And up and down he runs his bow,
Now squeaking high, now purring low,
now sawing in the middle."
She prowled up to him like a cat prancing on a mouse and grabbed his hands, "come on get up!" She whistled.
"You just told me to sit back, relax and enjoy you…" he chastised, but allowed to be hoisted up.
"changed my mind!…" she laughed.
"The landlord keeps a little dog
that is mighty fond of jokes;
When there's good cheer among the guests,
He cocks an ear at all the jets
and laughs until he chokes."
He laughed quietly as she drew him on the middle of the field, blessedly forgetful that fifteen minutes away lay the nightmare of Siv's grave. So much was Eilin's brightness able to disperse all the black clouds around him, that his mind could think of nothing else. "I think there was a cow somewhere there", he said.
She raised her finger and released his hand as she began dancing merrily around him.
"They also keep a hornéd cow
as proud as any queen;
But music turns her head like ale,
And makes her wave her tufted tail
and dance upon the green."
She wiggled her bottom stimulating him to grope her, but as he did, she drew quickly away leaving him empty handed with a raised brow that bespoke of his annoyance.
"So the cat on his fiddle played hey-diddle-diddle,
a jig that would wake the dead:
He squeaked and sawed and quickened the tune,
While the landlord shook the Man in the Moon:
"It's after three!" he said."
She twisted around him, offering him the end of her long tunic to catch it, but always drew back the last moment, slipping out of his grip. "You are out for serious trouble" his deep voice promised her, but she didn't look fazed.
Now quicker the fiddle went deedle-dum-diddle;
the dog began to roar,
The cow and the horses stood on their heads;
The guests all bounded from their beds
and danced upon the floor."
She fell on him planting an open kiss at his mouth that ended up with her teeth nibbling his bottom lip before pulling back away. He looked at her enthralled and exhaled a whole bout of impatience at her provocative manners.
"With a ping and a pang the fiddle-strings broke!
the cow jumped over the Moon,
And the little dog laughed to see such fun,
And the Saturday dish went off at a run
with the silver Sunday spoon."
She smiled and popped her tongue out at him, intending to start another happy series of dancing twirls, but his arms caught her bringing her flushed face inches from his.
"Thank you for everything that you are doing for me" he caressed the side of her panting mouth.
"You feel better?" She looked at him affectionately.
"Yes, although I am afraid this feeling will stop when we part ways".
"You get that happen to you too?" She frowned.
"All the time", his fingers grazed her lower cheek as his thoughtful gaze fell on her mouth.
"I think we are in trouble Thorin", she whispered and gave him a lopsided smile that made his stomach burst with butterflies.
"I am becoming more and more certain that indeed we are", his smile was so reassuring that she melted onto him.
"So what do you propose we do for this trouble?" Her voice was hushed and her eyes searching between his beard and his neck.
"I propose that we cherish it. How about you?"
"Cherish it like treasure…." her eyes became dark and her hands left his vest and burrowed under his overcoat, needing to grab his body and hold it forever.
His arms tightened around her and a firm kiss burned the skin between her temple and forehead making her squeeze him hard, trying to stipple her fingers behind his back. To envelop him completely in her embrace and keep him there forever….but she was unable to do it….maybe that was a forewarning of her inability to keep this dream forever also. The thought made her frown gravely and avert her face from him when he tried to pull her chin up.
"What's wrong?" his brow filled with sudden worry.
She bit the inside of her lip to the point of blood, not wanting to draw him down a new dark path now that she had seen him so happy, "I am so grateful that Dwalin drew me out of my tiresome task of fixing up Lady Karunn's carriage and brought me over to you".
"Why are you changing the conversation?" His voice fell.
She snuggled against him, "Because I am afraid it will ruin the happiness I see in you. Can we let it go for now?" She almost begged.
"And talk about Karunn, whom you should not be naming a lady? Sure", his voice sounded lighter, trying to alleviate her sudden distress.
She pulled back and looked at him suspiciously, "that sounded borderline angry even though your tone was gentle".
He smiled.
"Was it angry?" She raised her brow.
"Most certainly. After what she did to you I have no good feelings for the woman", his voice turned so serious that Eilin's stomach clenched.
"Thorin…did you have anything to do with her leaving Erebor so quickly?"
"I may have had a word with her, yes", his lips curled up in a distasteful smirk and he looked at the valley.
"Hey, look at me!" She pinched his side.
"That-hurt", he frowned down at her.
"Did you tell her off, for me?" She looked at him impatiently.
He sighed, "More or less".
Her hand left his back and cupped his cheek, delighting at the roughness of his beard, "I never required such a thing out of you", she said breathless.
His fingers stroked her forehead, around her face and ended to her mouth where they stalled, "Anyone who hurts you, will have to answer to me".
Her eyes filled with tears anew. Her face got buried under his chin and she squeezed her eyes shut for fear that she would break apart, "I have words to tell you now… that scare me…they scare me so bad….", she muttered, very aware of how much she loved him already, but her fear of speaking those words overcame every other feeling.
He pulled back slightly and his mouth skimmed past her cheek before grazing against her lips, "I don't require them Eilin…your kiss is enough for me".
Her body surrendered to his words, to his kiss and to the way her heartbeat aligned with his. When they pulled back, she grasped his neck almost in despair and she butted her forehead on his. His arms enfolded her on him and kept her locked until the sun began setting, "it's getting late. You want to leave?"
His voice animated her. "Hell no! I haven't picked up the herbs for your tea yet and the cat still wants to play hey-diddle-diddle on her little fiddle", she smiled sweetly and felt her feet barely touching the ground as he lifted her up.
"Is that some kind of clue that I need to figure out little kitty?" He smirked down at her.
She nodded and wrapped her arms behind his neck, "Sure…I'll give you a hint…" she whispered and drew him down to an open kiss that unlocked his knees by it's unhindered passion.
When she finally decided to give him back his personal space, he sat down under the cypress tree again and enjoyed the view of the valley as the setting sun that broke between the heavy clouds, drenched it with a magnificent orange hue. Taking deep breaths and feeling blessed to have her there with him, he let go of the past if only for that moment. She didn't stop gathering herbs and singing for him. Then she hid all her small treasures in a bag that hang at the side of his saddle, before hopscotching to give him a gentle kiss. When she decided that she had gathered everything she needed they rode back to Erebor with her making his ears bleed with her constant blubbering about how this area was full of beautiful herbs and plants. To which he replied that she would be a perfect match for Oin. When inside Erebor, he helped her off the horse.
She pointed at his bag. "I'll need my herbs", she gave him a coy smile even though several people around were watching them.
"By all means, don't let all that trouble go to waste", he shook his head dismissively.
"Don't sound bitter", she pointed a finger at him.
"Was expecting something more than a bunch of silly herbs if you should know", he raised his brow.
"Don't be so dismissive! You haven't tried my brew!" she huffed at him.
He smiled, "Very well, do what pleases you".
She was reluctant for a few moments, "When I saw you this noon I was so scared, yet now you are shining brighter than I have ever seen you".
"That's your doing my beautiful Eilin," he said quietly.
She bit her lip and looked around her timidly, "I'd better go clear out my plants and make you that tea. How about that?"
He pressed his lips and gave her a nod, "I'll be waiting for it".
She bowed respectfully and ran away towards the kitchens with a happy canter she was unable and even unwilling to hide.
-.-
Thorin returned to his rooms, but he barely had the time to take off his overcoat and vest and replenish the fire when the door knocked. He had been hoping it was Eilin, but instead Dwalin entered and looked at him long and hard before closing the door. "Thank Mahal I brought her over to you. She did a good job".
"What?"
"Picking up the pieces that Servin left behind", Dwalin said and came to the armchairs in front of the fire.
Thorin shook his head, "Don't sound so angry. Servin is the only one who had every right to spread my pieces to the four winds".
"You are too hard on yourself. As always…", Dwalin lifted up three bottles and smiled, "From the royal barrels".
"When did we split the barrels into royal and common?" Thorin smirked.
"When we tasted the mead that was ageing down there forgotten and figured out which one was the best", Dwalin winked at him.
"Who did that?"
"Bombur", Dwalin smiled.
"I hate it, but I truly need one now", Thorin settled in the armchair.
"Never seen a dwarf being so dismissive of alcohol", Dwalin smirked and filled up a cup for him.
"It muddles the thinking Dwalin and I need my head clear all the time", he raised his brow.
"But sometimes it numbs down the pain", Dwalin reasoned and took a sit across from him.
"Indeed so today it's most welcomed", Thorin said and emptied the cup in one go.
Dwalin followed eagerly, "So what happened with Servin?"
"I told him everything", Thorin frowned.
"Everything?" Dwalin raised his brow.
"Everything," Thorin nodded sadly, "and isn't it strange that I feel partly relieved?"
"Expected I'd say. Just so you'd know he called you King when he returned and I checked the Blacklock army. He is still commander as it seems", Dwalin tasted his mead thoughtfully.
"He is an righteous man", Thorin cringed, "which is more than can be said of me…".
Dwalin waved him off, "Bullocks. I haven't seen anyone punishing himself so relentlessly about decisions that were harder than the rocks of Erebor, to begin with. Whatever happened between you and Siv is something I cannot touch, but her death I can. It was not your fault! It was a nasty twist of fate and you need to lay that nightmare to rest. It's been too long. Let-it-go!"
Thorin's lips turned into a sad smile, "Do you think if I had died up in Ravenhill I would have been led by Siv into the afterlife?"
"I don't know. Would you have wanted that?" Dwalin frowned.
Thorin emptied his third cup not intending to stop, "No, I'd want Frerin. You?"
Dwalin, "my father".
Thorin nodded and leaned his head back closing his eyes.
"Did you see anyone when you died?" Dwalin's voice was hushed.
"No…only darkness and then pain…no one was there", his jaw flexed and his chest suddenly welled, "Frerin was not there for me".
Dwalin brow became heavy, "don't go around thinking that this is your next punishment. To be greeted by darkness. I can already see the thought forming into your mind".
"Did you know that Frerin promised to be there for me in the end, as he was dying in my arms?" Thorin kept his eyes in the mead on his cup.
Dwalin nodded, "I was there, behind you".
"He swore…even though he was leaving…he swore to me. Not with words, but I saw the imperceptible nod of his head and the tears that fell from his closed eyes." Thorin's brows wavered as he accessed those painful memories of old.
"He will be there for you", Dwalin said heavily.
Thorin cupped his face and a sob got lodged onto his throat, screaming to get out. He had enough of crying today…and yet his body apparently didn't have enough yet. As he had foreseen when he was away from Eilin the darkness returned a thousandfold. It was as if she was keeping it away with her vibrating life force. He emptied another cup quickly and pushed up. He needed to get rid of his clothes.
"What are you doing?" Dwalin frowned dizzily up at him.
"I am getting rid of everything, lest I get rid of my own skin in the end", he grumbled and rubbed his hands on his face angrily. His hands worked quickly as he took off his belt, his tunic and then his bandage. Then suddenly he froze in front of his angry scar. The reminder of his death now without stitches and roughly healed, cut across the whole left side of his torso below the chest and it's tail reached just above his belly button. Ugly, red and terrifying. Branding his already scared body with it's disturbing size and depth.
"Damn it looks much bigger than I remember it when you were bleeding to death", Dwalin shook his head mesmerised.
"Doesn't it?" Thorin frowned. Then he reached out and opened up another bottle. He refilled himself and Dwalin and proposed silently first at Dwalin and then at his scar. He snorted and then gulped it down quickly feeling the aftermath of the alcohol quieting him down, now that Eilin was not around to manage that with some beautiful dance, or some silly song or her fire igniting touches. He continued drinking cup after cup relishing on the fire trail the liquid left on his throat and stomach. Maybe it could burn him from the inside out and bring him to some kind of blessed epiphany. Maybe that is what his father sought with his heavy drinking sometimes also. Dwalin saw Thorin's deteriorating condition and guilt overpowered him suddenly.
"Bloody fires of Moria's hell-pits, I never wanted to see despair returning to your eyes again. Did I mess up your mood?", Dwalin shook his head angrily.
"You didn't…the claws of my past just lurk under the surface, waiting to grab me all the time. Even if I try to get away from them with the help of a new bright hope…."
Dwalin cut him, "Eilin…"
Thorin nodded, "….they return with a vengeance to undo me. Tell me, which ill twist of fate made Servin come here now?"
Dwalin opened his mouth, but Thorin raised his hand dismissively, "How can I not think that this sudden appearance is a punishment straight from the other world, because I decided to let another woman approach me? Needless to say that the better I feel with Eilin, the more I expect the final punishment to be grimer".
"You need to settle this in your mind once and for all, before it undos you and this poor girl that got entangled into your mess", Dwalin raised his brow and drank.
"If Erebor and my court don't ruin everything for us anyway. Dwalin, when I am around her I feel that everything is possible. The moment I step away, all the difficulties come crashing down on me and I feel certain of an impending doom. The manacles around my wrists are not much different than when I was a commander under Thror. This bloody legacy still needs sacrifices, even though I gave my life for it….!"
Dwalin reached out and grabbed his forearm, "Maybe then for once in your life you'd do well to think what you want to sacrifice your life for. Because the last sacrifice you made for this place almost killed you…"
Thorin's eyes grew darker.
"Nay…scratch that….it's been slowly killing you for more than a hundred years and it has never stopped, has it?"
Thorin swallowed heavily, "It has stopped", he said breathless.
Dwalin frowned, "when? Just now you were berating yourself about how Servin is Siv's earthly punishment for you!"
Thorin's eyes bored down on him heavy, "When I am with Eilin, the pain stops".
Dwalin pulled back with a slow dawn of recognition in his eyes, "Oh, this is serious".
Thorin swallowed heavily and avoided Dwalin's eyes.
Dwalin pulled back and rubbed his forehead, "How could I have ever believed that it wasn't going to be so god damn serious, is the question".
Thorin remained silent.
"It's not as if you ever surrounded yourself with women", Dwalin looked at him.
Thorin raised his brow and huffed.
"This is the first woman you ever approached after Siv's death, you bloody idiot…" Dwalin smirked.
Thorin looked up gravely.
"It should have been a dead giveaway for me that you were in love from day one", Dwalin shook his head and crossed his arms.
Thorin felt his heart clenching, "we only love once…"
Dwalin grabbed his bicep and jerked him heavily, "and we only live once! You lived twice! Wake up! You are in love…"
Thorin felt his shoulders slouching and his heart deflating so hard that he lost his breath, if only for a moment. He remained silent, with eyes that seared onto Dwalin's, "and if I am…what happens then?" The question sounded so childish that it pained his friend deeply.
"Then you brace yourself for the impact, because you will have brought yourself in a similar crossroad. Only this time you are not the heir to the throne of Durin…you are the bloody King and she's not a Blacklock heir, she's a maiden"
"It feels like Balin is speaking through you", Thorin looked at him dejected.
Dwalin shook his head, "I am just telling you that things will be hard. The final decisions shall be yours when the time comes".
"And you will follow me, whatever they may be?" Thorin looked up wistfully.
"To the end of the world", Dwalin smiled.
They pulled each other hard and embraced, "Thank you".
"I will always be there for you, as long as my heart keeps beating. I was the one that carried you bloody down from Ravenhill. I don't ever want to see you that broken again. Whatever be your choice in the future know that I have your back", Dwalin's voice broke and an unexpected sob left his strong chest.
Thorin tightened his arms around him, "And I've got yours. I always did and I always will".
Dwalin nodded and dried the tears, angry at those unbidden tears that came out of nowhere, "Shit…now you passed down your darkness onto me you sorrow-filled cave-in".
Thorin smiled and that is when the door knocked lightly, "Come", he said.
It opened up to show Eilin's searching face, "Hey there, got your tea..."
A/N:
"Merry Inn", Song (Songs and tales from J.R.R. Tolkien's work.)
* My dove
** my brightest star
Thank you all for the continuous support. The supportive reviews from the few people that enjoy this, give me the boost needed to continue.
A heartfelt thank you to ( u/10365802/Julie-i-am) for helping me out with any mistakes she might catch on the uploaded chapters. As I am not a native speaker, I am aware there are other mistakes you all choose to overlook and I thank you all for that.
xox
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