Chapter 22
"So."
"So." She drew her hand down his chest and back up again grazing his skin, scratching lightly with her nails. Somehow they'd found themselves back in bed after Castle's intrusion on her conversation with Martha. She still didn't know how much he had heard. It was just as well. Kate may very well have been opening up, but she wasn't sure just how transparent she was ready to be...with his family.
Or.
Just.
Be.
She pressed a kiss to his neck and snuggled closer, rubbing her nose across the stubble at his chin. He hadn't shaved in a couple of days and she actually found herself turned on a little by the scruff. She loved him close shaved, but this was...just...different. She idly wondered if she could talk him into leaving it for a couple more days. or maybe she'd luck out because he was just being arm pulled her more tightly against him. Consciously or unconsciously she didn't know, but there wasn't really anywhere else for her to go. She was practically laying on top of him as it was. She adjusted her knee and heard his sharp intake of breath.
"Kaaate," he groaned as he shifted slightly.
"Sorry." She wasn't sorry.
"Don't be sorry. Just...ah." He leaned down and kissed her head. "Don't be sorry."
They lay in silence for a few moments longer listening to the crackling fire. To each other's breathing. The creaks and groans of the cabin as the wood expanded and adjusted to temperature.
Maybe he'd drop it. Be content just laying here with her. She'd almost thought she'd gotten away with not having to talk about feelings when he nudged her head with his shoulder. His wordless encouragement to talk.
Kate wondered if he could be distracted if she just...moved...there. She settled once more and her free hand drew lightly up and down his arm. She pressed kisses to his chest, clavicle, throat, jaw. She skimmed his ear with the tip of her tongue and just as she was about to move in for the kill her world quaked as he chuckled but held her snug against him.
Startled she leaned back and stared.
"Ha! Kate Beckett, you aren't going to distract me so easily! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for...this-and then some, but I want to talk to you. What made you get out of bed? What were you and my mother talking about? And, though I really really like it, what are you so afraid of that you're trying to seduce me into forgetting? Which, by the way, is actually a really great tactic that under normal circumstances I highly advise."
"You're saying that you want me to seduce you?" She nuzzled his cheek. "To use my womanly wiles on you?"
"Yes!" he squeaked. Squeaked.
He rolled suddenly and covered her with his body. With sweet glorious contact that-
"Any time," he husked, "but tonight. I want to know you Kate. I want to know when something is wrong. I want to know when things are right...I need to know..."
had her pinned and pining.
He was a dog with a bone.
"Any time," he husked. God, what she did to him. "But tonight," he emphasized. This was important. It was important that she understand. "I want to know you Kate. I want to know when something is wrong. I want to know when things are right...I need... to know..."
She stilled her movements but, thankfully, didn't pull away. He squeezed her hip for encouragement.
Patience. This was one of those pivotal moments in a relationship. Where she would see that he was there for her just as much as she him.
Kate's released breath sounded like resignation. It pained him to believe that. He was about ready to tell her that she didn't have to share if she wasn't ready. Didn't want to. But her next breath sounded more like determination. Before he had his words formed (he'd promised no pressure, right?) the words were spilling past her lips.
"I was thinking. I couldn't stop thinking and I needed to...distance myself."
He waited.
This was important.
She turned suddenly, trapping his arm between the mattress and her shoulder. His body followed her body's movements effectively cocooning her back, but allowing her the privacy of not having to look at him when she spoke. His right arm hung uselessly at his side and he draped it lightly across her waist. It took everything in him to be patient and not tug her backwards into him. To squeeze any lingering emotional distress from her bones.
Right. Patience.
Was she ashamed? Embarrassed? About what? She started shaking. God, he couldn't look at her. Couldn't bear to think he'd somehow been responsible for making her cry.
"Not- No, Castle...I-"
Wait.
Castle leaned over her to see her face. She was laughing? What was going on?
"First, I'm not running so get a grip." He let go of his initial inhibitions and pulled her tightly back against him and grinned to himself. Proud at how well she knew him.
"You left the bed," he prompted. Couldn't help it. He still needed the story.
"I left the bed," she agreed. "And I left you. But I didn't leave you. I don't know how much of my little chat with your mom you actually heard, but if this is how you're reacting—maybe it wasn't enough."
"I heard...uh. Actually I heard you arguing with my mother about her cooking. You do know that that was...stupid. That was really stupid, Kate. The woman can't cook."
She turned in his arms ad slapped his chest playfully admonishment. "Do you want to know what you didn't hear?"
Yes.
He held his breath. Please. Yes. "Yes."
"I never had the conversation that your mom wanted to have with me. You know how sometimes you start talking and things start to go one way when you'd intended them to go another? The you wait for the opportunity to steer things back the other way but it never comes." She paused and pressed her nose into his neck. He gave her a quick and hopefully nonthreatening squeeze.
"Your mom wanted to know why I was up and not doing things to and with you. Things that, by the way, your mother really shouldn't be thinking about. Point is, we never got there." She fiddled with the sheet. Classic Kate stall tactic.
"What made you get up Kate?"
"I needed to get away from you. You had just fallen asleep and were so ad—I just wanted to run my hands over...FEELINGS." She growled. Growled. "There were lots of...feelings and I..."
Wow. She was really flustered.
"Two more minutes and I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from jumping you."
O...K... didn't expect that. And suddenly he didn't want to talk anymore.
"And I got scared. I don't want to screw this up. This vacation, Castle, this has been like a fairy tale I will never be able to make it up to you..."
Spooning. Two seconds ago he had been spooning Kate freakin' Beckett. Now they were, what, cuddling? And she chose now to have a meltdown?
"I can't stop thinking. Two possibilities are in front of me...and what if-"
"Don't play the 'what if' game Kate. It isn't worth the worry. It's a waste of time. Plus things are always changing. Thwarting paths, like you said. We're in this together Kate."
"I know. I know that. I was just—I've never moved this fast before and-"
"Now, you can admit that you're wrong?"
She covered his mouth with two fingers. "I can admit that you're wrong. Shut up would you?"
Eyes wide, he nodded twice. She dragged her fingers over his bottom lip and down his chin, neck and chest, coming to a stop just over his heart where she poked him and smirked. "Aaaand, it feels right. I needed to get away from you to give my mind the opportunity to have unbiased thinking time. That didn't happen, but you should know that I'm pretty much ruined for unbiased when it comes to you." And she kissed him.
But he needed to say one more thing before they moved on from this heart to heart. "Also, this? This whole fairy tale vacation thing? No payback. You...I will never stop owing you."
Kate laced their fingers together and brought them up between them to her lips. "Even?"
Never. He would never stop feeling like the absolute luckiest man in the world.
Still.
He kissed the other side of their joined hands, "Even. So why exactly were you discussing my mother's cooking? Surely you weren't looking for tips?"
"Shut up and kiss me Castle."
He could do that. He could do that and more. "Yes ma'am."
AN: Working on it...will post as able.