I do not own Naruto.
(Badly.)
(I'm French so English is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes.)

(Version française sur AO3 - nom de l'histoire : Kirin. Nom d'auteur : NightXV.

Ironically, my parents decided to name me Suzaku : which mean Phoenix. For those who do not know, the Phoenix is a legendary bird of fire, capable of reborn from his ashes.

It was not from my ashes that I was born again, but it is the rebirth that I knew then.

I don't really remember my past life, I don't even know why I think I have one. But while I was a very young toddler, not even able to hold my head straight, I had an epiphany: I am so conscious of myself! How was that possible if not because I already knew myself?

So I lived the youngest year of my life stuck in a body that could not move to my will and subjected to the good intentions of my parents: I never felt as weak as then. I always said to myself : "it is sufficient that they make me fall for that my sad existence already ceases."

What a dreadful thing to be subjected to another.

I wasn't alone, though. Strangely or perhaps it was the magic of fraternal love, my twin sister and I were connected long before we learned to speak. It was like feeling a second heart beating in unison with mine, two heartbeats perfectly synchronized in a beautiful melody rich with a promising future full of dreams and joy.

It was a comfort and a luxury that I was happy to have, the path was always easier when it was traveled with another. And I could even see a path filled with light for Kirin. Later, I would understand that what I saw then was not the love of a brother to his sister but a gift that would make my life quite different.

It is easy to forget that there is something other than the house. When our world is confined to these few walls and these two faces that are our parents, the outside world seems immense and unfathomable. I took a long time to remember that I lived somewhere and not only At home. It was with this curiosity that I began to want to rise up to be able to explore: whether it was this very large house where I was limited to a certain number of rooms or to this exterior that I saw from time to time.

Kirin followed me quickly in my efforts, we were encouraged by our parents: I did not understand their language, but I knew that they were happy. The brain of a child, including mine, was actually a sponge. The information from the daily days that we were thrown in the figure was still stuck. I had not seen the difference with myself but with Kirin. When one of our parents approached, she was now paying attention to them. Her black eyes were fixed on them and did not let them. When one of them stretched his arms, she tried to rise herself to take a few steps.

While our mother was going into the kitchen, she always took Kirin with her and left me with father in the living room. And now that Kirin could take a few steps without falling, she would follow directly our mother while that I remained of marble where I had always been left.

Although I am aware of this, I still let myself be trained by this habit that they had succeeded in inculcating before our first anniversary.

Parents have such an influence on our world and, once again, I find myself frightened by the domination they exert on me.

My world grew with the party celebrating Kirin and my birthday. We were sitting on a chair and had instruction not to move. The guests, people I had never seen before, marched one after the other. They all had the same procedure, they deposited a gift on the table in front of us and greet our parents. So there, our father was waving at me and the eyes of their guest concentrating on me. I even knew at that moment that they were watching me, they were evaluating me. Most of them were not friends: they had this very disconcerting ability to make me feel inferior with a single look. And let's not spare the feeling I felt for Kirin who was totally ignored, whether by our parents, their friends or their guests.

I was the center of the eyes of all. I knew I had to do well. Why did I even think that? Why was this idea of being good so important in my head then? Why, how did I know I had to impress this little gathering? Was it the innate of a child who mixed with my self-awareness? Was it my genetics that told me not to smile, not to move and to look at the people in the eyes? Was it instinct? Memory of a thousand people before me who had undergone the same thing and who had learned the appropriate behavior to this situation? Like the little animal that learns to walk so fast out of his mother's belly? I do not know but this is exactly what I had done, I let myself be carried away by all that it could be, and I played my part.

Kirin was waving on the chair next to me, people were looking more and more at us, they knew she was going to crack, they were waiting for her at the turn, they felt close to talking about it later and criticizing her. Why did I even think that? At that time I would not have known but I knew how to act before such a consequence. I didn't want to see my sister be disputed, so I left my chair first and grabbed her hand, pulling her with me outside the living room to our room. I didn't need a word to make her understand, I didn't even need a look for her to play and I was free to go back to the chair.

But as I was about to take my place, I noticed that the room I had left for ten seconds had become silent and that an imposing man stood before the table. I sat watching him and my first thought was "what darkness." Despite this white hair, nothing in this man was bright. His path was black. It was a perfect contrast between one of the men behind him who was releasing such a light.

The men and women I had seen enter before these all gave off some light or darkness, but none had reached a such dose. It's like I see the fate of these Men right in front of me, as if this fate had materialized in my eyes by this light or this darkness. It was a revelation that I forgot very quickly.

But the great man was not the only one to get that darkness, infact, the light was the only one in this group of five men. But only the light and three obscures seemed so resounding. The man laid two gifts on the table, quickly followed by the rest of his group. The man-Light as well as another that looked strangely to my parents were the only ones to share a smile with me during this process.

They had joined the rest of the guests after exchanging a few words with my parents, all except the one that looked like us (an obscure path one). He had taken me in his arms and saluted now all the guests. It was... Incredibly rude. I could walk by myself, thank you very much. However, now that I was at the height of the adults, I noticed without a bad that many of us looked physically alike: black hair and black eyes. On top of that, they all had a distinctive sign in the back, my carrier, my parents and Kirin and me too. I never thought about it but now that I saw a dozen similar people wearing the same symbol... My carrier wasn't talking right now, he was just walking between people. I was pulling on his hair because anyway, he humiliated me so much that I must return it to him. The man had a terrible pout before pronouncing my first name, but I did not speak to answer him, instead, I merely showed the finger the symbol which had taken my curiosity.

The unnamed man smiled: " Uchiha." Then he pointed at me with a finger" Uchiha Suzaku". He pointed his finger at him "Uchiha Kagami". He showed the room where my sister played "Uchiha Kirin". He showed my mother " Uchiha Akane". And then my Father "Uchiha Kite". Then this man I had pointed out to ask for the sign of the symbol "Uchiha Tetsu". He gave the name of each Uchiha present at this party.

With curiosity, because it was the first time I saw a path so strong outside my sister, I was pointing at the white-haired man. The expression of Kagami did not change when he pronounced " Senju Tobirama". I then showed the dark young man beside the Senju " Shimura Danzo". Then, in a last impulse of interrogation for this light even more bright than my sister, I pointed out the other young man to their side: " Sarutobi Hiruzen".

Kagami asked for something I did not understand, so I shrug the shoulders and pulled his hair again for good measure. I had not realized that he had adopted a serious face since the beginning of our conversation, this face immediately faded to show a new pout and a charming smile.

"Suzaku-Chan." Kagami looked at me again earnestly, which was strange because who would look at a baby this way? But I know today that Uchiha Kagami was one of the geniuses of the clan Uchiha, not in the traditional sense where each Shinobi Uchiha is strong, no, he was one of those geniuses rarely seen and whose intellect often exceeded all understanding.

His lips move but I did not understand what he was saying to me then. And because of that, I would never know it.

Because it was the last time I saw Uchiha Kagami and Senju Tobirama.

My parents had been mixed up in my little act of disappearance from Kirin during the party. They knew that it had been the best solution for their daughter, it had also demonstrated my intelligence to each of their guests but I had voluntarily disobeyed their order for my sister.

My classes started shortly after this event. Kirin was not invited to all. An instructor Uchiha came to talk to me all the days, slowly, gently so that I understand every word she tells. During that time, I had to listen to her while keeping the perfect position that was the Seiza, without moving my hands or arms, while controlling my facial expressions: I could not show confusion, neither tiredness, nor anger and not even curiosity.

I had to be and become neutral.

Do you know how complicated it is to suppress every language of the body? A contraction of the muscles at the level of the cheek, your fingers playing together, a movement of the eye – all this was outlawed and punished. I was happy that Kirin did not participate in this training, not because she would not have succeeded but because her emotions and feelings would have been suppressed and for such a light like her, it would have been sacrilegious.

As I said rather, a child's brain is a sponge – and I knew that one day I would be unable to physically express the slightest feeling. While my instructor was talking, while my whole body was still marble, I was crying internally for the loss of that something I could never recover.

What an appalling feeling – especially when provoked voluntarily.

Of course, this did not happen from one month to the next and even a whole year would not remove every one of my reactions. However, I had the most striking example just a little before my second birthday.

The Nidaime Hokage : Senju Tobirama, and a member of his team : Uchiha Kagami, were dead in order to allow the rest of the Konoha Shinobi to go back to the village. As a full member of the village, our family was in the front row to attend their funeral. Kirin did not know what was going on, she was too young to understand: however, I did. And it is surely the sad atmosphere that the hundreds of people gathered together as well as my own understanding heart, who made her cry. She was not the only one in fact, other children were crying - the same age as Kirin and me and even much older.

I felt sadness, but I didn't allow it to show up. Without even making the effort, without even making the request, my face did not feel comfortable leaving the neutrality that I had been imposed.