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This time imperfect
Thorin walked to the edge of the frozen waterfall and mused down at the valley of his homeland. Soft snow was falling on his head, but the rough winds had abated as suddenly as they had arrived. Possibly this was the eye of the storm and soon enough the Lonely Mountain would be engulfed in the second part of the blizzard that has swallowed the land in it's white totality the previous days. He looked up at the sky and saw the grey clouds breaking in several places, allowing him to take a peak at the blue sky that was hiding behind them. The rays of the sun couldn't pass through them though. He remained there observing the formations of the passing clouds slowly numbing down the feelings of fear, letting them get replaced by a haunting void. He stayed immovable until the clouds closed all their gaps, his soul slowly turning deeper shades of blue under the expanding darkness of the sky.
He escaped Erebor to remain alone outside of the oppressive confinements of his office, but unfortunately he was not graced with this blessing. Her beloved voice broke through the snowy silence and startled him so much that he was unable to stop the physical reaction. His teeth gritted and his fists tightened.
"Good evening your royal Highness." The typical way she addressed him was an indication of what was to follow and Thorin felt his body shuddering hard. He was not strong enough to face her today. All the anger of the previous days had evaporated leaving behind only despair.
"How did you find me?" Thorin's voice was diminished, barely recognisable. He kept his back turned to her. He didn't have the strength to look her in the eyes.
"I searched all your hiding places, but this was the most obvious. It seems like we have all our major events happening in this place." Her voice was hushed.
He felt goosebumps rolling through his spine.
"First time I saw a fire in your eyes that resembled the one I had for you in my heart was in this place."
He closed his eyes feeling frozen inside and out.
"And now our first and final breakup is going to take place here too," her voice fell.
He felt his heart palpitating. She took three steps towards him and he counted every one.
"They told me you didn't want to talk to me," she said quietly.
"I don't."
"I won't leave until you do," she stated.
"I know."
"Will you run away in order to avoid me?" her voice slightly broke.
He shook his head, "I never run away from a fight."
She smiled sadly, "good. Me neither. You taught me that."
He held his breath.
"Will you push me onto the ground again?" she took two more steps, which he counted also.
He shook his head, "I am sorry I ever did that."
She raised her hand, "don't."
He stopped.
"I don't want your fake remorse. I want you to listen to me." Her voice became strong once more.
He squeezed his eyes tight and his hands gripped his biceps painfully, "I am listening."
A long pause that made him incredibly nervous came from her. "The man who told you all these lies for me tried to commit suicide."
"I heard," his voice became distantly cold again.
"He knew he'd done something wrong," she continued.
He didn't reply.
"Thorin, he did something irrevocably wrong. He destroyed us," her voice lost it's previous steel and became almost beseeching.
He swallowed heavily, but remained silent.
"He destroyed us for reasons I cannot understand and now he is not awake to revoke his painful words. He is not awake to give me the chance to prove the liar in him. He never gave me a chance to defend myself," her voice began elevating. She was unable to get a grip on her feelings. Her hands began trembling and she embraced her shoulders. She was a mere step away from his tall frame, looking lost at the golden bead that was holding his thick mane at the back of his head.
"Eilin please, enough with the lies. I am hurting." his voice was deeply pleading on it's own accord.
She closed her eyes feeling her heart melting from pain, "I never wanted to hurt you and I am not lying to you. Other people are hurting both you and me. Mahal help me I am telling you the truth, but you cannot believe me, can you?"
He turned around then and she felt his energy sweeping over every inch of resolve she had gathered in order to face him today, "I cannot." he shook his head coldly.
Her eyes became immensely sad. She felt forsaken, "that man was never my lover...I don't even know him Thorin, but no matter how many times I will confess the truth to you it will matter little."
He overlapped her, "all your recent denial for intimacy was because of him, wasn't it?"
"No, it was because I am pregnant!" she cried feeling adrenaline rushing through her blood suddenly.
"Did you make love to him when you stopped making love to me?" he raised his hand stopping her.
"I never touched him and he never touched me. I stopped making love to you because I was afraid I was going to hurt the baby." Her eyes teared up and her fingers squeezed her shoulders painfully trying to keep herself from falling apart once more in front of him. She came with the resolve to face him with courage but as his azure eyes bore into hers she felt every inch of that courage flying away.
"How did you manage to be so passionate towards me that last evening before I left?" his brows furrowed and he looked down at her in mild disbelief.
She forced herself to look at him, "because I never lied about my feelings. It felt so real, because it was real. I love you Thorin, you and only you..."
He spoke over her again, "Stop it! Don't you think that's enough?"
She covered her face and a groan escaped her.
"How did he come across your baby belt? The one you lost many years ago in the fields?"
"I don't know," she whispered.
"How did he know so many details about your life in that tavern, your friends, or your past profession?"
She looked up, feeling her chest raking. The unfairness towards her felt overbearing, "I never worked as a prostitute."
He raised his hand with authority. "Truly Eilin I don't care about what profession you used in that damned tavern. I could have even overlooked that rumour had I known you were faithful to me."
"I am!"
"Were you indeed?" he whispered feeling defeated.
She pulled back and covered her mouth. "You will never believe me..."
"You made love to that man and look at the result now. It's there under your petticoats laughing at my face," his eyes filled with bitterness.
She reached out to him, "no! The child is yours!"
"Enough! I cannot take this anymore don't you understand? You are killing me!" he snapped and the coldness of his countenance broke. The curtains of anger pulled back to show a deeply hurt man and her heart broke anew.
She trembled and tried to caress his face, "please Thorin don't..."
He pulled back and grasped his chest tightly, "I cannot breathe Eilin...you are twisting the knife he buried in my chest by speaking of your child. I cannot have children, the man that had your baby belt can. Why did you do this to me? What is it that you sought from me?" he threw at her all his pain with no remorse like he had thrown her all his anger before.
She cried. "You! I've only wanted you!"
His jawline flexed and he inhaled sharply trying to get a hold of the agony that was twisting him out of shape. "Well, you got both him and me. Congratulations. What are you going to do with us both I wonder..."
The pause from both of them was long. Her hushed voice broke it long after she felt unable to stop her hands from shaking. "You have condemned me already."
He looked down at her in desolation. "Facts have condemned you, not me. You have betrayed me in the worst way possible."
"You are fighting with your own demons. Demons of your past. Your supposed infertility. It was not the words of a man none of us know that have condemned me in your eyes. Neither my baby belt, that I still cannot understand how it ended up in your hands. Your own insecurities and past nightmares have condemned me." she said with an immeasurably sad voice.
He remained silent.
"It is easy to fight on an equal basis. I can carry my own against this man that accused me with such vile words to you. I can defend myself. I can face him, but he's almost dead now. He's tried to kill himself, Thorin, because he did something wrong and he knows it. Cannot you understand?" she tried to touch his hands but he pulled them away.
She felt her eyes filling up with tears anew. She was afraid to blink, for then they would run down the side of her cheek and he would see. She lowered her eyes to her crossed hands, "there isn't anything I can do to mend a situation that I never broke, is there?"
He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.
She nodded feeling her heart shutting down for everything else apart from their child in her loins. "Of course there isn't. I can fight against everything in this world in order to win you back, but how can anyone fight what's inside you? How can I fight against nightmares and ghosts? Those ghostly whispers deafen your ears against my voice. They mute all my pleads for you to see the truth." -She grasped his hands then, no matter his tries to keep her away and his fists tightened inside her small palms- "Please listen to my voice Thorin. Through that dark fog that your nightmares have created, listen to my voice. I love you so much it hurts. I never betrayed you. I have never been with any other man than you."
He looked down then and his eyes were hard, relentless, tearing her heart apart.
She shook her head and quickly wiped away the stray tears at the edge of her eyes, "the baby in my loins is yours and no words from any man, woman, wizard or even God can change this fact. No denial from you, no nightmares of your past, no ghosts that are haunting you will ever change the fact that I am pregnant to your child and it was the result of love. Not of forced marriage, or of lies and deceit. Your seed has bloomed in me with the blessings of our love. Nothing can change that. You can send me away to the most remote dwarven city of Middle Earth, but know this. I will still love you, I will still carry your child to birth, I will raise them the best way I can and I will never stop hoping that you will return to me. Because my love, if there wasn't for this child in my loins, I would have taken my own life..."
He hissed then and his fists opened up and tried to grasp her hands.
It was her turn to pull away from him, "Don't touch me!"
He pulled back in despair and looked at her with deeply pained eyes.
"I never worked as a prostitute. I was asked to do it, many times over, but I denied. That is why I ended up getting raped! I shared a room with a prostitute, yes. She was my best friend, that's true. Did she try to make me work with her? Never. I preferred to die in the wild forests of Middle Earth than have another man force himself on me, with or without money. Did I ever expect to end up in the service of your honourable sister? Never. Did I believe it possible to get to know personally the legendary Thorin Oakenshield? Not a chance in the whole world. Did I believe that I would fall in love with you the moment I saw you...?" she smiled sadly.
Tears run down the side of his face.
"I was in love with you even before I met you," she looked up at him wistfully. "Can I breathe now that you are sending me away?" she frowned.
He gritted his teeth. "Eilin please stop, I won't send you away...you don't have to leave Erebor, just give me time to settle down for I cannot think clearly anymore. I need time."
She raised her hand up to him with newfound courage and authority. "Did my heartbreak change your mind? I don't care. That was not my intention! Now listen closely. Can I breathe while you are sending away? I can! You want to know why?!"
He didn't know what to say.
"Because I have to breathe for our child Thorin. This child needs to live even if we are unable to be together. Remember how you told me that night in the elven realm, to breathe for you?" she looked at him with a sad smile.
He nodded.
"I am not going to breathe for you anymore. I am going to breathe for our child and I will live. I don't want to go to your Halls in the Blue Mountains because everything there will remind me of you. I don't want the gold you are offering, because no matter my own dire state I never approached you for your position or the rivers of gold you command. Remember how you always told me to see the real Thorin and not the King? That is what I did, no matter that now you don't believe me. Your ghosts are not allowing you to live with me, to live in the now. You slipped out of my hands and rolled back into the past didn't you?"
He reached out then and enfolded her into his body and she didn't have the strength to resist him. She embraced him so quickly and so hard the air got knocked out of his lungs. "Don't cry..." He whispered.
She shook her head with newfound despair. "I have never expected anything nice out of life, but this time life proved to me that I was wrong. Life showed me that I deserved the most precious gift from the most unique man." She pulled back away from him and touched her lower stomach. "You gave me the best token to remember you by. Thank you for that. I don't ask for anything more. I will depart tomorrow morning."
He tried to get pull her back in. "No, give me time to simmer down. I am overtaken by feelings I cannot comprehend, much less control. Give me time to understand what is happening...to try to understand were the truth is. Give me time, " the words came out with difficulty from his mouth.
She raised her hand, stopping him dead on his tracks. "So you want me to remain as what? As your ex lover? Are you going to protect my honour towards your Kingdom and keep our feud a secret? How are you going to cover up the fact that we are not going to get married anymore? How will I be able to walk freely in these halls while my stomach is growing bigger if I am not going to be your fiancee anymore?! I will end up being the pregnant maiden that's been thrown aside by the King. That's so unfair to me, to you and to our child. I won't remain unless you are willing to see the truth. To believe me. It's not you that will throw me out this time. I will walk out by myself no matter how much this hurts me!"
He pressed his lips and his face was streaming with tears. He made a move to enfold her again in his arms, but she pulled away.
"What? Do you want to embrace me again? Maybe kiss me or make love to me? What do you want to do to ascertain your dominance against a man who I have never heard off before? As long as you believe that I have made love to him and I am carrying his child there is not future for us. No matter how much my own words are killing me right now, I know that they are true. I love you Thorin. I could have given my life for you, but not now. Not anymore, because I have to live for our child and I have to raise it in an environment that is going to respect us both."
He pulled back and embraced himself in order to keep himself from collapsing.
"I am never going back to Erebor as a dishonoured woman. I will only remain as your proud wife, hopefully holding our child in my arms. No half measures are good enough for me, no matter that I am a penniless servant from nowhere. I will stand proudly next to you, or not at all! You are the one who taught me how to stand up for myself! You taught me to be fearless and I will be so for our child! Are you willing to believe me Thorin, over all these lies? Tell me yes and I shall remain. I will try to fix everything that we have broken, I promise. Just tell me that you believe me. Not that you pity me, nor that you pity the child in me. Tell me that you believe me!" she cried.
He felt like he was going to asphyxiate on the words he should have spoken with such ease. A cold invisible hand around his vocal chords was chocking out every sound that he wanted to make.
She smiled sadly, "I clearly see that you are not. I don't need your pity."
Those words made the invisible hand release him unexpectedly. He squeezed his fists tightly. "Pity is the last thing I would feel for you Eilin. Listen for I don't have the strength to speak..." he tried, but she didn't allow him to continue. Her anger had overtaken her ability to hear his few masked words that were whispering for help.
"I still remember what you told me a while back at the burial grounds." she continued, her voice bitterly courageous.
He tried to remember, but his mind was sobbing so hard it had not the ability to think anymore.
"That you are afraid to give promises. That you have broken your promises before," she looked up solemnly.
He held his breath and felt the blood draining from his face.
She nodded. "You were right. You should never promise anything to anyone, because it hurts. I hurt. I have seen darkness in my life Thorin, but what you have put me through is on another level."
He closed his eyes and something disengaged from his heart. "Forgive me..."
"For being unable to believe me, instead of your ghosts?" she smiled sadly.
He forced himself to look at her even though her gaze was so heavy it almost burned through him. He remained silently beaten by her fearless words.
"The greatest people that have ever been in society were never versions of someone else." she said.
He kept his eyes on her transfixed.
"I know what a great man you are, exactly because you are not a version of someone else. Don't let the ghouls of the past turn you into their versions, because then all your greatness will evaporate into the void you so much fear. I am sorry you couldn't fight your demons well enough to keep us together." She said with a wisdom that grabbed him by the lapels and screamed onto his face about all his weaknesses.
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
She nodded in defeat, "Goodbye Thorin," and walked away from him.
Once more he was seeing the woman he loved walking away and whose fault was it this time also? His and only his. Like it had been with Siv. It was in his hands to believe her honest words today, but his heart just couldn't make the leap of faith. He was unable. Her baby belt, this man's pregnant wife, his own infertility, everything bespoke of a blunt betrayal and yet his soul wanted so much to believe Eilin's words. His mind twisted and bend around the thought that he could maybe adopt her child from this other man and raise it as his own. He went even so far as to convince himself that he could walk through the fire that was tormenting his soul and come out the other side for her.
Yet he was hurting too much to bear these thoughts. They were tearing him apart.
Every wound she opened in his heart was heavily bleeding. It was too soon for him to act as descent and graciously towards her as he would have wanted. It was too soon to allow his deep love for her shine through. Right now his body and soul were in pain and he was blind. The real Thorin had retreated far behind the heavy walls of his defences and was hiding hurt in the darkest recesses of his brain. He looked at her slim figure getting lost into the ruins of Ravenhill and with her departed every single part of his beating heart.
Standing there at the edge of the frozen waterfall was not Eilin's Thorin, but Thorin the second, King under the Mountain waiting broodily a small step behind to take over and make things right both for him and for his people. The ghosts of his own insecurities, but also of his forefathers that had faded away under Eilin's strong life force were now waiting in tow, eager to bounce back into their original positions. He was torn between what his heart wanted to believe and what the proof was screaming was the truth...and the pain...that pain was not allowing his heart to take over. That pain made his heart hide away behind the steely exterior of the brooding King that was ready to come back with a vengeance.
He stayed there trying to stir clear from the terrifying tailspin that was threatening to pull him down. Trying to hold onto some loving memory in order to keep his true self there, but there were no angels this time gracing the lines spoken between them. The only thing that echoed in his mind were her beseeching words.
"Believe me..."
It was near afternoon when he raised his eyes to the door of his office that was banging insistently. He didn't even remember how he managed to get back from Ravenhill, neither did he remember if anyone addressed him as he walked to his study and locked himself up once more. The only thing he remembered clearly was telling Balin that he needed Bilbo in here immediately.
"Yes", he said with a hoarse voice that barely resembled his rich undertones that shook Erebor with each solemn command.
The door opened up and Bilbo entered. He looked at the darkness around him and closed the door quietly. "Oh, darn it. Thorin?"
The King closed his eyes and withdrew into himself. "Come in Bilbo."
The hobbit jerked nervously and squinted his eyes to see the dark figure of Thorin behind the office. "Why the hell are all the candles out? I can barely see you." He said and approached.
"My eyes hurt..." he let that thought trail off.
Bilbo rounded the desk and saw the King sitting on his chair with his arms crossed and his hands grasping his shoulders protectively. It looked like he was trying to keep his body from falling apart. "You really don't look all that well."
A small smile flared on Thorin's lips. "Don't I? A pity."
Bilbo frowned and sat at the edge of his desk. "What's going on?"
"A lot master Burglar." Thorin whispered.
"Will you speak to me?" Bilbo frowned.
Thorin shook his head. "No, I will only give you a request that comes from the heart."
Bilbo swallowed heavily. "I am listening."
"Prepare yourself in order to depart immediately."
Bilbo stood across from Thorin observing him closely for a long time after the King gave him his quiet request. Then he sank deep into his darkness once again, not even acknowledging the presence of the hafling in his office. To Bilbo the change in Thorin was heart breaking. It seemed as if the sick king that had first entered Erebor was back again, only a thousandfold. It was as if both the ghosts of Thrain and Thror had entered him at once with such ferocity that their intrusion killed the real Thorin once and for all.
"I beg your pardon?" Bilbo frowned.
"You heard me," Thorin's eyes turned to him slowly.
"Did you just order me out of your stronghold?" Bilbo looked slightly amused notwithstanding the rather grim countenance of his friend.
"You were preparing to depart, correct?"
"Yes, but I was hoping to stay and help you through this rather grim situation you found yourself in the last few days." Bilbo crossed his arms.
Thorin tensed.
Bilbo shook his head. "Don't worry. Your people don't really know what is going on, but they feel that something bleak has taken over the Royal family. The closest ones of your company know that your fairytale has come to an abrupt stop, but we are all short on the details."
The King's stare left the fire and Bilbo had the chance to see that his eyes were teary.
"The common people of Erebor have invested so much in your story with Eilin, but thankfully they know nothing of this new darkness. They just cannot see your beautiful maiden nowhere and neither can they see and admire their proud King. Everything nice in Erebor has come to an equally abrupt stop and now everyone is lingering in the same void that you are. Waiting for the developments." Bilbo said quietly.
Thorin rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes in defeat.
"Don't let your people down in this time of need Thorin. Don't let them believe that fairytales never have good endings. They need the hope your rulership was giving them. Don't take it away from them."
"The hope was taken away from me also. I have none to give now," he whispered.
Bilbo nodded. "You've found yourself in a rather grim position that's true. You are irrevocably exposed in your relationship with Eilin and you have to deal with everyone's expectations out of this story and above all yourself. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes." Bilbo's honesty felt almost painful.
Thorin nodded. "I should have been more careful."
"But your heart spoke louder than your mind, didn't it?" Bilbo smiled.
Thorin looked up at him grimly.
Bilbo waved him off. "You have a heart of gold under all this vengeful anger that has overtaken you. Don't let the past sink you down Thorin. I've seen the change this girl has caused in you. I am not wise enough to tell you who to believe, nor I am able to dig deep into your heart to understand what gears are turning behind each of your decisions, but I will beg you."
Thorin averted his eyes feeling wretched.
"Don't lose the part of your soul this girl has dug up for you. If nothing else she has offered you a new life, a new perspective. She has given Erebor a new ruler that the people adore. She has lifted up the dark veil of your ancestry. Don't let it fall back into place, no matter what happens with her in the end." Bilbo said with a wistful smile.
Thorin shook his head and huffed in dismay, "your requests are very difficult to fulfil."
Bilbo's eyes clouded and he pressed his lips, "The road ahead will be a hard uphill battle. The road behind is a downward spiral. It's your decision what road to take. Now tell me please, why did you call me here? It's not to ask me to leave is it? You are asking for help, aren't you?"
"I am," Thorin admitted quietly.
"Tell me what you want me to do," Bilbo said and leaned over to grasp Thorin's forearm.
The King turned his eyes to the fire once more and it took him several long moments to gather the courage to speak once again to Bilbo. "I want you to get Eilin out of here."
Bilbo frowned, "where do you want me to take her?"
"To the Shire." Thorin's eyes fell on him with such a honest plead that Bilbo's heart broke open for his friend.
He smiled and pressed Thorin's forearm, "with great pleasure."
Thorin's eyes fluttered in relief and he closed them. Bilbo saw the tears falling down his cheeks, "thank you, this means a lot to me."
Bilbo nodded, "I can see that."
Thorin hesitated for a few moments. "She refuses any help I am offering and I can justify it. She doesn't even want the escort I offered for her safety. We are on bad terms right now, but I need to know that she's situated somewhere safe."
Bilbo interposed. "I will take her with me, worry not. I will keep her in my home for as long as she wishes or as long as you command. I suppose you don't want me to tell her this was your idea?"
"No," Thorin looked up sharply.
Bilbo stuck his thumbs in his vest and nodded thoughtfully. "I will think of something to convince her, worry not my friend. She will be safe with me."
Thorin closed his eyes in relief. "I will provide you with any gold you may need for her and her child..."
Bilbo waved him off. "I don't need your money."
Thorin looked at him sternly.
"I've got enough to sustain us. I got paid for Smaug, remember?" Bilbo smiled.
A small ghostly smile cracked on Thorin's lips. He nodded.
Bilbo straightened. "Fine then. When shall we depart?"
"She's getting ready to leave tomorrow..."
Bilbo spoke over him again, "so soon! Oh, I need to think of a way to convince her to join me and fast." He began pacing thoughtfully in Thorin's study.
Thorin's face darkened once again as he spoke the next words. "You shall not take the northern passage over Ravenhill in this weather."
Bilbo frowned, "Going south through Rhovanion is going to take us much longer and with the orc attacks I'd like to pass through the Misty Mountains within a week."
"You will go through Mirkwood" -Thorin said with a hushed tone- "you shall not even approach the frozen roads of the northern ranges." His voice was heavy and austere.
Bilbo raised his brow. "Will Thranduil allow us free passage?"
Thorin nodded. "He will."
Bilbo looked at him thoughtfully. "I am still worried though about possible orc attacks on the road. You sure I cannot convince her that we take along your soldiers?"
"No. I will try to twist this in some manner according to her wishes." he said quietly.
"How are you going to do that?" Bilbo frowned.
Thorin looked up at him with a deep frown but didn't reply.
Bilbo looked at him thoughtfully for a long time and on seeing that Thorin was not willing to give a more detailed answer he inclined his head. "Very well, I will get ready and I will go talk to her."
"Thank you," came the hushed reply.
When Bilbo closed the door of the study Balin questioned him immediately, "what did he tell you?"
Bilbo straightened his vest proudly. "The Mountain King has bestowed on me the greatest responsibility and I am proud to be able to assist him during this painful time."
Balin frowned confused as Bilbo walked away with his mind already conniving ways to convince the young desperate woman to follow him to Bag End.
It was close to dusk when Dwalin found Eilin trying to prepare her carriage. He approached and spoke quietly.
"Did you find him?"
She cast her eyes down and felt them tearing once more. "Good evening my Lord. I did."
He walked around the carriage and searched for her eyes, "and?"
"I am leaving tomorrow morning. Can you help me prepare my carriage please?"
His mouth opened up and an exhalation of defeat escaped him.
She noticed and it took her a long time to speak. The words came out with difficulty and as she spoke them she had to sit down on the steps of the carriage as her legs couldn't carry her anymore. "The baby is his. He swears he cannot have children, but someone has to believe me lest I go crazy. I swear in the life of my unborn child, it is his!"
"I believe you," Dwalin sounded honest.
"I never thought that our story would end well mister Dwalin. Worlds too far apart, with so many obstacles in the middle. I never expected to be his wife, neither to fall pregnant by him so quickly, but most of all I never expected our story to end with such disgrace. In a heap of dishonourable lies from a dwarf that decided to take his own life and all his secrets with him…..leaving behind the only incriminating evidence that he may have known me once, my baby belt. Never did I expect the king to believe this man instead of me….but life worked against me like it always does. My Firebeard belt that conveniently found it's way into this man's hands and the certainty of the King that he is infertile build a strong case against me didn't they?"
Dwalin felt more emotional than he had bargained.
She wiped the tears away, "I may be poor but I was never a whore.."
"I know".
"I never chased after gold, only a home where I could belong. I never intended to fall so hard for the King and I never expected my heart to able to have so much love for him….I don't care who he is. Even if he was a pauper I'd still try to build a life next to him. Now he gave me this child to remember him by, even though he will never accept it as his. Maybe the Gods felt sorry for me…maybe they knew that if he send me away empty I would have killed myself so they deemed me worthy of this immeasurable gift. Or maybe they are keeping me alive because this child might write history someday, right? " she smiled and tears etched on her skin.
Dwalin pressed his lips tightly.
"Tell him that I forgive his disbelief of me. That I know how easy my betrayal might have seemed, but I never betrayed him. Never! Tell him that I shall never forget him, that I will always love him to my dying day and that I will raise his child the best way I can. Tell him that I may be poor, but I still have my dignity."
Dwalin exhaled, finally giving up under Eilin's heavy words. "Don't go…let me intervene in this…let me help him see the truth. He's blinded right now. Angry beyond reason because he loves you too much, let me help both of you".
She shook her head, "No…everything happened for a reason. The King must return to his carven throne and the maiden must return to her quiet life. Just tell him that I will always be there somewhere in Middle Earth waiting for him and his beloved child shall be with me. That as long as our child lives a part of my Thorin will live inside it. Through our child my hope shall live forever", she said and her eyes spilled rivers that she hid from him by averting her eyes.
That is when an unusually happy voice interrupted them. It seemed so out of place and time that they both looked up taken aback. "Well hello there both of you!" Bilbo said and smiled brightly at both of them.
She looked away and tried to clear her face, "hello master Baggins."
He frowned, "did I come at a bad time?"
"No, no..." she said and turned around to face him. She forced her mouth to form a smile.
Dwalin shook his head, "you chose a rather uncomfortable time indeed."
Bilbo looked from one to the other confused, "you and him are in direct contradiction. Am I bothering or not?"
"Yes!" Dwalin barked.
"No!" Eilin rejoined.
They looked at each other and she was the one that broke the uncomfortable silence, "will you help me with the carriage tomorrow my lord? I'd be in your dept."
Dwalin sighed deeply and gave Bilbo a fleeting look, "If I cannot do anything more substantial for you, then yes I will."
"You cannot." -she smiled sadly- "thank you. It means a lot."
Dwalin shook his head and walked away. That left Eilin with Bilbo standing across from each other in silence for a few moments.
"I need to go," she pointed towards the kitchens.
"I heard something about a carriage tomorrow. You going somewhere then?" he stood on tiptoe trying to see above her shoulder at the aforementioned carriage.
She felt her breath catching and looked away. "I am leaving Erebor."
"Going back to the Ironhills?" he asked and she looked at him confused. He seemed blissfully unaware of what had taken place between her and Thorin.
"No."
"Where to then?"
"I don't know yet," she wiped away her hands on her trousers trying to alleviate her discomfort. He may seemed oblivious of her recent distress with the King, but he knew they were engaged. She counted the moments where he'd start asking questions.
He surprised her, "I was thinking of leaving tomorrow also you know. What a great coincidence."
She looked down at him with a small frown of disbelief, "you did?"
"Yes!" Bilbo stuck his thumbs on the armpits of his vest.
"When did you arrange your trip? Just now that you heard me doing it?" her frown darkened. The thought that Thorin put Bilbo up to this came to her out of the blue.
Bilbo looked at her confused, "I was arranging my trip for the past week if you should know. I've told Thorin I miss home and I was going to leave the moment he got the Arkenstone back. He doesn't need me anymore. I remained long enough."
Her frown deepened, "did he put you up to this?"
Bilbo frowned deeply, "upon what?"
"Did he tell you to come with me?"
"Of course not, why would he?" Bilbo sounded so honestly taken aback that she wavered with indecision.
"I-I don't know," she bit her upper lip.
Bilbo pointed a finger at her. "Look I am not here to give you the third degree about why you are leaving and Thorin refuses to talk to me. I think I've had enough of his broodiness for a lifetime. I am leaving tomorrow and I have seen what a great maiden you are. I've witnessed your loyalty to the King. Now will it be very forthcoming to ask you to accompany me during my journey to Hobbiton? If you have a place you indent to go I can accompany you there. I like your company and I hate travelling alone. If you don't have a place to stay then maybe you could come to my house to work as a maiden."
"The what?" she asked truly bewildered.
"What?" he rejoined.
"Did you just offer me a job?" she cringed feeling the confusion of her talk with Bilbo pushing back the agony about Thorin if only momentarily.
"I suppose I did," Bilbo smiled at her.
"Thorin put you up to this for sure!" she frowned.
"Wait a minute! Do you suggest that I am not able to think on my own? What in the name of Eru? Fact is that brooding bastard has no idea I am talking to you and I presume he's gonna be in fury that I have dared to offer his fiancee a job. Actually come to think of it maybe we should call the whole thing off. I don't want Thorin's wrath on my tail. Forget it, forget I ever mentioned anything.." He waved her off casually and turned around to go back inside.
She bolted after him, "we have broken up."
"Oh," was the only thing that came from Bilbo as he stopped. She expected more, but nothing came. He turned around and looked at her nonchalantly.
She looked at him, "well?"
"Well what? Now I am totally confused." the hobbit asked with a calm smile.
"Aren't you going to ask me for the whole story?"
Bilbo waved her off. "I am not indiscreet. If you felt the need to get rid of that angry King, then it's your prerogative. Eru knows how difficult it was for me to sustain through his torments during our journey. You should ask Bard how difficult it was to get a grip on Thorin also." -Bilbo wriggled his arms- "I cannot wait to get out of here really."
Eilin opened her mouth to speak, but stopped at the last moment.
Bilbo smiled up at her. "Well, I wish you a safe journey young lady and may you find happiness somewhere else. Far away from the darkness of this man. You deserve much better." He offered her his hand.
She looked at it with a deep indecisive frown.
Bilbo waited a moment longer and then withdrew his hands. "Oh, well goodbye. Take care!"
Eilin raised her hand. "Wait please.."
Bilbo turned and raised his brows calmly. "What is it?"
Eilin sighed deeply, "That job offer...if it was indeed your own decision..." she looked around half expecting Thorin to be watching them from behind some dark column.
"This is the second time you are suggesting I cannot think on my own. If you should know I tricked a dragon out of the Arkenstone young lady. My brain works very well, thank you! I need some assistance in my house and I have seen what a great maiden you are. If you are free from your obligations in Erebor I'll gladly employ you. I don't know if it's going to be permanent of course..." he said, but she spoke over him.
"I don't care about permanent mister Bilbo, just for some money to get a new start for me and my..." she stopped and her hand caressed her stomach absently.
He looked down at it.
"Just to get into a new start..." she corrected herself and forced a smile.
He grinned up at her. "I can do that for you, if you can help me with the mess of my house."
She reached up a trembling hand and offered it to him. "I'll try my best."
Bilbo grinned pleased and crashed her fingers between his. "Perfect, just perfect!"
Eilin's ghostly smile faded away into nothingness and her eyes teared up once more, but her fingers pressed Bilbo's hand as her heart was aching to find some new hope anywhere. Even at this small hobbit that came out of nowhere to become her unexpected guardian angel.
When the door of his office knocked again Thorin barely opened up his eyes. His head felt heavier than his body. He shifted slightly on his armchair and almost kicked the footrest from under his legs by mistake, yet he didn't even have the courage to straighten it up again. His eyes closed down quickly and he allowed the alcohol in his blood to soothe him down, for now that Eilin had decided to abandon him nothing could console him. All hope was lost. The only thing that mattered was for her to reach the Shire safely. He needed to know that she was taken care off. An infernal sleep began capturing him once again, but the soft knock on the door returned to make his eyes open up unwillingly.
"Go away," he grumbled and turned his head the other way. He wanted to see no one, more so to speak to anyone. Where was Balin anyway to stop them from waking him up?
Apparently the person didn't hear him, or chose to overlook it. There were no more knocks on the door, but it did open up quietly. Thorin didn't even hear it. The soft footsteps approached his armchair and then a curious voice made him look up with a glazed look of complete intoxication.
"Hi mister King." Little Lis was nibbling her upper lip.
A small frown of confusion rippled on his clouded brow. "What the hell are you doing in here?"
Lis raised her finger to him austerely. "Don't swear! You are not setting a good example for me."
Thorin closed his eyes again and turned his head the other way. "Get out of here girl. Go to your mother."
Lis didn't hesitate. "I cannot. I have a mission, you see."
Thorin didn't open his eyes. "I am not in the mood to know."
"I won't reveal it to you. It was entrusted to me! Was that correct?" she sounded uncertain.
A small dismal smile came over his pale lips. "I cannot complain. Where is Balin?"
"Outside Sir," Lis grinned at him proudly even though he was not looking at her.
"Why did he allow you to come in?"
Lis flicked her shoulder. "I told him I am here to help the King and he let me in. You want me to call him so you can ask him?" she offered.
Thorin cringed and shook his head. "No, can I get some sleep?" he almost begged her.
She frowned. "I won't bother you mister King. I am just going to sit here close to your feet, okay?" She settled down as she had promised.
"Isn't your mother looking for you? It's late." He noticed.
Lis shook her head. "She knows where I am. She's okay with it as long as I don't start exploring Erebor at this hour."
Thorin forced himself to look down at her with his bloodshot eyes. "Lis, I need to rest. I am in no mood for games. Just go please."
Lis shook her head. "Nope, no deal. I am on a mission!" she said again steadily.
"Which you won't reveal to me..." Thorin exhaled.
"Nope." She pressed her lips and placed her hands above her crossed legs.
"And it includes you sitting at the foot of my armchair..." he continued even though he barely had the strength to speak.
She nodded.
"What the hell is this mission? Praying for Mahal to rid me of this miserable life?" his frown deepened.
Lis's mouth dropped open at that. "Of course not mister King, what a nasty little thing to say. I'd never pray for you to die. I've already lost one father, I don't want to lose another one."
Thorin's already burning eyes teared up and he closed them and leaned his head back again. "A father..." -He humphed.
"Remember you've got his soul trapped in you." Lis noted seriously.
Thorin shook his head slightly. "Never forgot that part."
Lis's face brightened up. "You know what my dad always said about you?"
"I don't want to know," he rebuked dryly.
"He spoke about the secret Mithril veins that were buried deep into the Lonely Mountain. He told me he would be the one to discover the next one and make his King proud. I guess he didn't make it..." Lis's lips turned down.
"Life has a way of disappointing all of us doesn't it?" Thorin's face fell darkly.
"It doesn't matter. He's resting now and who knows maybe another miner will find you the endless Mithril vein that would make you so proud of your workers!" Lis looked at him eagerly.
"I am proud of them already. I don't expect any miracles to know their real value," he said quietly.
Lis smiled. "Thank you mister King."
Thorin inhaled deeply. "You are welcome, now go home and let me rest."
She waved him off. "I will remain here and I shall not speak to bother you. Part of my mission is to look after you," she said purposefully.
"Who gave you such a useless mission I wonder?" he muttered, feeling sleep edging in on him again.
Lis raised her finger again. "A knight never reveals such details!"
"So you are a knight now?" he asked and against all odds felt a forlorn smile up-tilting his lips.
"Not yet, but I will be soon. You are going to make me one when I finish my mission!" she said decisively.
He shook his head.
"As you will make me a warrior braid!" she continued.
"Such certainty. I will pray life doesn't crush all hope out of you in the future." He said feeling at the end of his tether.
Lis shook her head. "It won't mister King. Now sleep and I will stay guard."
Thorin felt his throat constricting. How could the little girl know that his enemies were not going to enter through his doors. They were already taking up hold inside him and they were the most dangerous enemy he had ever faced. He wanted to throw her out, but he had not the courage.
That is when the loving voice of Lis broke through the infernal sleep that was almost ready to pull him down. "Good, sleep now. That's perfect."
Instead of opening up his eyes he squeezed them tight and felt his throat convulsing. "No perfection this time little Lis. This time we were all imperfect." He muttered and felt himself being drawn deep into the void.
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