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Mornië utúlië *
A/N: An everlasting thank you to StephCalvino for her ideas, which help transform this story constantly. Two brains are better than one. *.*
Karunn stood outside the gates holding her pony by the bridle. Her eyes were darting nervously around the snowy road, trying to discern shadows that looked out of place on the forest of the River Running. Even though her plans had worked to the utmost and right now the Royal family was being torn apart, she was still nervous and couldn't get complete satisfaction from what she had accomplished. Alf and his thugs who she had dismissed when they failed to bring back Rhiannon's body were nowhere to be seen, but she had overheard a couple of cleaning ladies the previous evening talking about shady men that were hiding around in the borders of Mirkwood. They were trying to understand how they could have gone undetected by the formidable defence lines of this stronghold, but one of them noted that since their King was in complete deterioration so was everything else around them also. The army, their defences, their safety, everything was beginning to frail at the edges as long as their King was locked behind closed doors denying to inspect his city and his army.
Karunn's heart rejoiced on hearing that the haughty King she hated so much was on the verge of destruction and at the same time she felt rather worried that these shady men could very well be Alf and his bandits waiting in the shadows to get their revenge on her for denying them payment. At the end of the day she had tricked them as much as she had tricked everyone else. Her eyes left the trees and looked at the squad her uncle Dain had prepared to escort her back to the Ironhills. Her stupid sister was standing next to her uncle, trying to wipe away her tears and to convince Karunn to remain a while longer. Valdis needed so much to share with her family the newly found romantic connection she had with the Prince of Erebor, and Karunn wanted so little to do with that. She had many other things to think about and most of all she wanted to get away from the site of devastation. She had caused Erebor to come to ruins, she was not going to sit around and enjoy her accomplishment for long though. She wanted to return to the safety of her uncle's Halls. Where no bandits or Kings or stable bitches could get to her easily.
"Won't you reconsider sis?" Valdis sniffled.
"No, I am out.." Karunn spat.
"I need you. Especially now that everything is falling to pieces. The King is nowhere to be seen. The delegations are running wild with rumours about his personal affairs and about his fiancee, who everybody saw departing yesterday. There are rumours that she had been unfaithful to him, but no one has given an official report and Erebor is in a disarray. Prince Fili needs me and I cannot get him to talk to me, the Princess is boiling with fury and no one can get near her...I am at a loss sis. I need you to stay with me. I am afraid..." Valdis pleaded.
"No. This place can blow up for all I care." Karunn looked at her sister coldly.
Dain crossed his arms. "Let her go, I am here for you little pumpkin..."
Karunn almost gagged at her uncle's obvious preference for her sister. Something that had been a trait between both Dain and her father since they were babies. Valdis was the only one Dain was addressing so lovingly in their whole family. "Can you please stop?"
Dain raised his brow. "Bothered niece?"
"My stomach is tumbling over and I am keeping myself hard from puking on your boots if you must know!" she spat.
Dain's large hand circled around her thin bicep and pressed her like a vice. She yelped. "Don't assume that rude tone with me young lady, especially after what you have done the last two months!"
Karunn paled.
"That excursion of yours almost cost me my soldiers and don't you think even for a moment that leaving this place and my care will stop any possible comeuppance for your little trip out west. Your father is already informed about it!" Dain grumbled.
Valdis pulled back and covered her mouth in fear.
Karunn gritted her teeth and tried to free her arm. "So what if I went west! Did I bother anyone?! I dismissed your soldiers but this is as far as my crimes went! I did my own thing and returned unharmed! Let me be uncle!" she demanded.
"You dismissed my soldiers before going into that sleazy human tavern to do -I don't know what!-" he jerked her roughly.
"Uncle don't..." Valdis tried.
"You stay out of this pumpkin!" he warned her and she pulled back.
"Do what!? What do you think I went there to do then uncle?" Karunn thrust her chin at him provocatively.
He raised his brow.
"What did you tell my father I went there to do I wonder. From the look in your eyes, possibly that I wanted to bed a man..." a sly smile came onto her lips.
"Insolent little wench!" Dain spat through his teeth.
"Or a woman?" Karunn raised her brow and bit her lower lip.
Dain pushed her away from him disgusted. "Vile little creature! You have respect for no one! Your father is informed and is expecting you with a whip in his hands!"
Karunn straightened her coat calmly. "Mother is there uncle...and you know father will not do anything to enrage mother..."
Dain's nose flared.
Karunn smirked knowingly. "I did nothing wrong. I didn't bed anyone in that tavern. I just wanted to see first hand the degradation and the corruption of these places. I wanted to remind myself of the privilege of living inside these magnificent strongholds and amongst such legends after the small disagreement I had with the Mountain King. That's all! If you think daddy is going to punish me about such a puny youthful adventure, especially when mom is also going to hear my account, then you are mistaken."
"You need a solemn beating to straighten your head. I don't know who is going to deliver that to you, but the way you are acting, it will inevitably happen soon." Dain said hatefully.
Karunn chuckled. "Beat a dwarrowdam? What's wrong with your head I wonder uncle...that will never happen!"
Dain shook his head. "It's not about gender, you audacious creature. It's about honour, which you lack off. As for dwarrowdams...you think you are one?"
Karunn paled.
Dain raised his brow. "No honourable iron maiden, no dwarrowdam of the Ironhills would have undertaken such a perilous journey onto such corrupted places unescorted. You lost your right to be called one in my books."
Karunn's lips curled up in hatred.
"Now on to your horse and back to your parents. They created this nightmare in you, let them deal with it. You tire me and I have a lot in my mind with the current chaos of the six family Lords." Dain dismissed her.
"Since the King cannot force his will on you and he's let everything unchained one cannot expect anything less than chaos indeed. I suppose Thorin Oakenshield is a lesser ruler than the legends paint him out to be..." Karunn spat.
Valdis inhaled sharply in shock.
Dain's hand lifted with such force to strike her down that Karunn raised her palms to protect her face. His hand lingered above her like a solid mason block. His face was contorted in wrath and his eyes were spitting the very fires of hell. "Take care how you talk about this man! You are not worthy to even spell out his name, never mind speak with such degrading words. Begone from my eyes and feel blessed I am giving you this escort for you don't deserve it!" he said and after a few terrifying moments were his wide palm lingered above a trembling Karunn he turned around with a groan of fury and entered the gates.
Karunn straightened, but still her heart was palpitating at this sudden loss of control from her uncle. Everything was telling her that she needed to return to the Ironhills as soon as possible. The balances were very thin in Erebor and she had nothing more to gain from remaining a moment longer. She turned at her sister who was crying rivers. "What are you crying for?!" she spat.
Valdis moaned and covered her mouth as she run after her uncle. Karunn grabbed the bridles of her pony and smoothed her palm over her elaborate braids. "Run you little brat..." she whispered and she was about to climb on her horse when she heard the solemn command that came from the gates behind her and caused her blood to freeze over.
"Attention for the King!" the guards presented arms.
Karunn's hand tightened on the bridles painfully and suddenly a cold hand wrapped around her stomach. She felt her knees unlocking and a cold wave of terror rushing through her body. She turned around to see the gates been thrown open as the King's black horse stormed out like a new tempest, raising along with it snow and dirt. She turned around trying to protect her face from the debris it's fierce galloping had caused and then looked up from her saddle to see the outline of horse along with dark rider getting lost into the heavy snowfall.
Gritting her teeth anew and reckoning that this close call with the King was a warning from the heavens, she climbed onto her pony and led it down the same road wanting to reach the safety of her home, as soon as possible.
It took Thorin several tries to sleep at his grandfather's library that night. He found it impossible even though he hadn't properly slept since he found out the excruciating truth about Eilin. He remained at the library with his door locked as long as he could, not answering the calls of a seriously concerned Balin, nor the threats of Dwalin that he would bring the aforementioned doors down. In the end nothing happened. They left him alone. He felt his eyes closing on their own volition as he was sitting at the desk looking at the fire with a void stare. Still Eilin's bead was trapped between his fingers. In the end he managed to fall asleep on the desk. He didn't know how long he remained under the spell of that nightmarish rest, but he woke up with a sharp inhalation and confused dreams he just couldn't remember.
It was close to the break of dawn when he finally decided to forget about sleep and make it down to the stables. There he brushed the coat of his horse for a rather considerable amount of time. His eyes once more were dry, looking somewhere between the horse's underbelly and the hay under its hooves. He cleaned it absently without understanding how quickly time was passing. When he saddled the horse and climbed on it he had no particular route in his mind.
They galloped quickly up to the entrance and the guards opened the gates instantly without him uttering a word. He went out into the cold wearing only his leather vest. Had someone asked him where he was leading his black steed, he would have looked at them partially lost, not having an answer, but the horse found it's way down to the Long Lake after a long fierce sprint. He stopped at the edge of a plateau overlooking the ruins of Esgaroth. His eyes mused at the singed towers and roofs of the town that Smaug had burned after Thorin woke up it's wrath. As the land was waking up with the light of a new day he was able to discern several details of the destruction under the paleness of the clouds. The sun had risen well to show that this day was going to be as cloudy and dark as all the previous ones, and only then did Thorin decide to turn his horse around. He faintly believed that he was going to return back to Erebor, but instead his horse's fast canter led him up to the northern passages of Ravenhill.
The roads there were as frozen as they had always been during the rough winters of the north. He should have led his horse slowly through their dangerous twists and turns but instead he pushed it harder. Slowly waking up from his stupor with each ferocious gallop the horse took. As the horse thundered through the snow that had began falling heavy once more, Thorin's blunt countenance began melting into an excruciating mask of anguish. His hands awoke from their numbness and tightened angrily around the reins and his thighs gripped firmly the flanks of his horse as he came closer and closer to the bend of death. His eyes blazed and his mouth opened up in a desperate need to draw in more air...soon he was heaving along with his overexerted beast. When he saw the curve of the road in front of him he kicked the animal's flanks pushing it harder, as if he wished for it to lose it's balance and throw both him and itself off the side.
It didn't.
It's hooves held strong as they passed the turn safely and Thorin pulled on the reins violently feeling his frustration spilling out from his veins. The poor horse neighed in disagreement and tried to release its mouth that was frothing from the King's tight grip. Thorin dismounted with a jump and walked back to the bend forgetting all about his horse that galloped away from him in order to save itself from the King's wrath. He stopped in front of the corner that Siv's carriage flew off and looked at the trees. He tried to find a sign of the accident that happened a hundred and fifty years ago. He paced in front of the sharp cliff looking up at the trees and cursing under his breath. Wanting to find something...anything that could remind him of that abominable day. It took him several moments to be able to locate the deep scar tissue Siv's fateful carriage had carved on one of the trees but it was very high up. Thorin paused and felt his lungs emptying. His fists tightened and he swallowed through a constricted throat. He turned his head up and looked at the scratches trying to understand how much these trees have grown since then.
How relieved he was that another carriage was not overturned into this corner of doom and how frustrated he felt at failing to overthrow his horse off the edge of the cliff.
He bit his lower lip and felt his eyes unable to unglue themselves from that destroyed tree bark. He had given strict orders to Bilbo not to take the northern passages, but just standing there and seeing valid proof that they hadn't come through this place was enough to unclasp the iron grip that he had placed over his emotions ever since his last talk with Eilin. The day where she bid him farewell.
When the caw of a crow echoed in the sky above him, his back shuddered hard. He had been waiting for news about Bilbo's carriage since yesterday. He didn't dare open his eyes hoping that this was one of his crows looking for him. When Thorin heard the caw closer he counted inwards until he felt the sharp claws of one of Roac's comrades landing on his shoulder and his heart come to a wretched stop. When the black majestic bird spoke the few words that would have ever mattered to Thorin he felt sobs digging their nails at the inside of his neck and knew it was too late to be able to hold anything back anymore. After informing him of the safe passage of Bilbo's carriage through Mirkwood the crow flew off. Thorin raised his face up to the sky and felt the coldness of the snow cooling down his burning brow.
Just knowing that she wasn't down there laying under a tree bark with her neck broken and her green eyes glassy and vacant was enough to lift up the levee that was holding back every single emotions he had kept hidden during all these hellish days. The burning tears began trickling out of the corners of his eyes. Ploughing a merciless trail down his cheeks and towards his beard. Getting trapped there until they turned into streams that run down his neck and stained his open tunic. He wanted to curse the great Mahal for bringing him back from the dead. He remembered Eilin's words that his resurrection had been fate, but had it truly been? How much easier would it have been for all of them if he had died up in Ravenhill? Then he would have spared this pain from Eilin and he would have entered the world of the dead. Maybe then he could have screamed the question that tormented him to Siv's face and he would have found an answer to it. Something that now he could only whisper to the carved tree bark and to no one else.
"Did you lie to me Siv?"
No answer came from the ravine, nor the sky, nor the ground under his feet.
"Did you lie to me all along?" he questioned the nothingness again, but there was only silence.
The frustration that he felt inside manifested in a pained groan that surfaced under the strong flow of his tears and turned without him even realising into a savage cry of agony that resounded through the ravines violently waking up a flock of birds that flew above him in panic. He kneeled heavily into the frozen road as the scar of his brow wound turned purple. He slowly began freezing under the immense onslaught of his feelings. As if, they alone had sucked all the energy out of him and now he was left defenceless against the cold weather. As if the resilience of the dwarven race against the elements of nature had just run out of his blood along with that fierce cry of pain. His mind unravelled down a winding road of memories, leaving his chest tight and he prayed to Vala Aule to keep Eilin safe and to allow him to believe her. To allow her to forgive his inability to keep her close to him. He prayed that he could forgive Siv, if indeed she had lied to him. He prayed that his forefathers had forgiven his inability to rule in their stead as they would have wanted.
With each new protest of suffering he prayed that his people would forgive his errors and that Durin's folk would sustain through his impotence to be the ruler they needed. He prayed hard that his sister would forgive him for failing to protect Kili and that Fili would be spared when it came to matters of the heart and for him to pursue his happiness no matter the weight that Thorin would place onto his shoulders eventually. He prayed for his brother Frerin to fulfil his promise to be there when it was time for Thorin to lay to rest. He prayed for all the souls that had been lost in this war and for all those that would be lost in future battles.
Lastly as his thighs gave up under the pressure and he sat on his knees, he prayed for the child in Eilin's womp. Still unable to know if it was his or not, he wanted to feel there was hope in the unborn. One child was lost already, so he prayed for this child to be spared, for without innocence, hope was only an illusion. He opened up his eyes and saw his tears staining his leather gloves as he prayed one last time. For the real Thorin that was now trailing behind Bilbo's carriage, after her.
He prayed for his true self to rest in peace.
He remained there freezing under the cold. Not even understanding that his lips were blue and his skin was pale and very cold. He didn't feel anything else, but the deep torment of his past trauma and his recent heartache. He sat there looking like a body that was a step from death not knowing his agonising scream that echoed through the forest hadn't woken up only the flocks of scared birds, but also someone else. Someone that had no way of hearing his woeful call, but only inside her very soul.
Eilin opened her eyes feeling as if a frozen knife was cutting through the centre of her heart. She inhaled sharply and sat up letting the heavy blanket fall off her body. Her fingers clasped Thorin's coat tightly around her as her body was shaking with cold waves of fear. She looked around at the darkness and felt confused. She reached out to grab the darkness and felt heavy wool under her fingers. Then a cold hand enrapturing hers and she inhaled sharply and pulled away. "Ah!"
"My lady why did you wake up? Lay down, rest." It was Loa's comforting tone that made Eilin jerk towards her direction.
"Where am I? What is this?" she asked and pulled at the wool around them that was keeping most of the light of day out.
"Tis a tent my lady. One of the commodities the King gave to master Bilbo. We placed it onto the carriage as you fell asleep. I didn't want you to freeze to death. The fur blankets are good, but having the snow falling on your head can undo even the best quilt."
Eilin closed her eyes and laid back down, even though she was barely relieved. Those feelings of despair were overflowing her mind.
"Do you feel any pain?" Loa caressed her hair.
Eilin shook her head and reached up to dry a few tears away from her cheeks.
"Do you want something to eat?" Loa smiled down at her.
Eilin denied.
"To drink?"
Another denial.
"Are you cold?"
Another shake of the head and she buried her face into the lapels of his coat inhaling his lingering scent deeply. She didn't want anyone else around her but him, so she reached for the closest thing to him apart from this coat. She lifted up the heavy layers of her clothes trying to feel the small bump in her lower stomach. Almost panicking in her dreamlike confusion that it was not there anymore.
Yet, it was.
She sighed deeply and closed her eyes. She caressed her belly. "I am sure daddy is alright my love...it was just a dream, right? Just a dream..." she cooed her stomach. She didn't want Loa to overhear her. What was this dream she saw? She couldn't remember very well. Only the image of a horse's fiery nostrils and black hooves digging into a frozen road. The call of a crow and an agonising cry of pain. Nothing else. She closed her eyes and buried her nose into the fur of his coat as her hand drew soft circles around her stomach.
"Can you slow down?" Loa opened up the tent and spoke to Bilbo. "Mistress is not well. She just woke up from a nightmare!"
"How much do you want me to slow down? Want us to come into a halt? These horses are barely able to walk as it is! As for her nightmares, it's the magic of Mirkwood. The Elven King's spells are causing her all this agony. The quicker we exit the forest the better she is going to feel" -Bilbo hesitated and scratched his head- "even though for some reason this time it doesn't feel as heavy as the last time I entered it."
Loa frowned, "heavy? It's not heavy at all. What are you talking about master Bilbo?"
He pursed his lips, "come to think of it you are right. It didn't feel heavy at all did it? It is as if Thranduil's spells only kept the majority of the snow away from the forest, but didn't affect us. Something that is going to change soon though, look!" he pointed ahead.
At the opening of the road through the forest they could see a curtain of snow falling ahead. Loa scrounged her nose, "we should brace ourselves. You need more warm clothes master? We are protected under this heavy tent, but you are suffering out there."
Bilbo rubbed his shoulders, "I am really fine!"
Loa cringed. "You think we can find some cavern to stay for the night after we exit Mirkwood? It would be nice for me to prepare you and miss Eilin some tea and some porridge. It will warm up our aching bones."
Bilbo's eyes brightened up. "I'll try to find some shelter my dear woman. Your idea about food was absolutely fantastic."
Loa smiled proudly.
Bilbo observed her for a few moments before sobering up, "how is the little lady doing now?"
"I think she's asleep again," Loa lied, knowing that Eilin was hiding under the blankets weeping her misery away.
Bilbo nodded, "good it will help her condition to be calm throughout this trek even though the carriage Thorin provided is very sturdy and the clothes and tent are very warm."
Loa rubbed her shoulders and buried her chin on her fur lapels. "Yes, bless his heart."
Eilin was unable to stop the groan of tears that escaped her and hid her face even deeper into his coat. Her fingers squeezed her stomach painfully.
That is when two horses along with their elegant riders emerged from the side of the road and stopped the carriage. Bilbo pulled the reins and gritted his teeth, "elves...should have expected that" -he muttered, but when he recognised who one of the riders was his heart did a somersault and he smiled widely- "Tauriel?"
Loa peaked out of the tent curiously.
Tauriel smiled and tilted her head elegantly, "hello master Bilbo."
"What are you doing here?" Bilbo looked at her happily.
Tauriel didn't reply, but kept her kind smile on the small hobbit.
"Tell me your boss didn't send you to cause us trouble. I thought he was allowing us to leave this place rather easily. Did he have a trick up his sleeve saved for the last moment?" Bilbo's lips turned down.
"Not at all," Tauriel shook her head.
Bilbo sighed in relief, "thank Eru. You see I've got a very sick lady in the back of my carriage and we need to be out as soon as possible."
Tauriel nodded. "We are aware. The Elven King has send us as escorts to make sure your passage through Mirkwood was safe."
Bilbo pulled back surprised, "he did?"
Tauriel bowed again elegantly.
Bilbo looked behind the carriage, "have you been following us around since we entered the forest?"
Tauriel smiled widely, "most certainly."
Bilbo raised his finger. "I can understand your feet being soundless, but how in the name of Eru do you make your animals equally quiet?"
Tauriel smiled at her comrade who reciprocated. "I am here to help, not to reveal our secrets."
Bilbo humphed. "Very well, we are here. At the western exit of Mirkwood. Ready to say goodbye then."
Tauriel pursed her lips and looked at the black tent on the back of the carriage. "I am afraid there is small change of plans master Bilbo."
The hobbit frowned. "Don't turn us around please. It's out of the question."
Tauriel shook her head. "Don't worry master Baggins. Me and Nenion shall accompany you a while longer. We have located vagabond orcs at the outskirts of Mirkwood. You don't have any protection from such attacks as it seems."
Bilbo crossed his arms, "unfortunately some of us didn't want the assistance offered by Erebor."
Tauriel raised her brows knowingly and instantly Bilbo knew that all this had been arranged between the Elven and the Dwarven King. "How about elven assistance."
Bilbo flicked his shoulders, "I shall have to ask."
"Please do," Tauriel smiled.
Bilbo nodded at Loa who touched Eilin's shaking shoulder, "my lady there are elves outside asking..."
Eilin turned the other way and shook Loa's hand off. "I heard them. I heard Tauriel."
"Do you have a problem if they accompany us..." Loa began again.
"No...no...leave me alone please," she felt at the end of her teether. As if a word more would break her into a dozen pieces.
Loa nodded at Bilbo who turned at Tauriel, "we'd be honoured to have your escort to the next safe place."
Tauriel gave the signal to Nenion who took the lead and then aligned to Bilbo's carriage as they started their journey again. "Beorn's farm will be a good place to stay before venturing towards the Misty Mountains. We shall escort you all the way back to Rivendell. The weather is milder on this side of the forest, but it's still rather cold. Lord Elrond has already been informed and has an eye out for your carriage. We will deliver you to him safely."
Bilbo smiled sweetly at her, "thank you for everything."
Tauriel nodded at him, "my pleasure."
Inside the carriage Loa was caressing Eilin's hair, when the red headed maiden spoke with a broken voice. "This isn't their doing."
Loa frowned down at her, "what my lady?"
"All this...is not of elven doing," she whispered and felt her bottom lip trembling. Her fingers pulled in Thorin's coat until it covered her mouth.
"Whose is it my lady?" Loa cleaned some hair away from Eilin's sweaty brow.
"Thorin's..." Eilin voice spoke with certainty and then broke. The silent weeping of before, became strong sobs of anguish that she was unable to stop as their carriage abandoned the thick forest of Mirkwood and came out into the open with the escort of two of the best elven warriors that King Thranduil could have given them. Right then and there Eilin knew that all this had been arranged by Thorin and her heart shattered like glass. She had not the strength to push all his commodities away, neither the courage to say no to the safety he was offering.
Somewhere in the back of her mind there was a small voice that kept repeating to her that he was not in Erebor, but out there in the cold suffering as much as she was and she had no way of mending things either for him or for her...her hand began caressing her stomach again with the need to feel some form of hope inside this darkness. That was her only beam of light, but what about him?
Another hushed whisper came from her trembling lips. "I am taking you away from him. What am I doing?" Her fingers pressed her bump in anguish.
Valdis looked at Fili who was observing the amber liquid on his cup mystified. She found him this morning at the dining area, away from all his comrades at the royal guards. He was sitting at the corner of the room, clutching himself trying to keep the world out as it seemed. She approached and asked him before she took a seat. He didn't reply. She questioned him about his beverage, he didn't respond. This was the third time she was trying to open up a conversation with him.
"My lord, you worry me deeply."
His eyes left the cup and looked at her. They seemed haunted, "it's not me you should be worried about my lady."
She frowned and crossed her hands on the table, "whom should I be worried about?"
Fili removed his eyes from her and looked at the wall, but she had enough time to see the tears that had formed in them, "my lord?"
He shook his head, "don't tell me you are the only soul in this damned city that hasn't heard what happened."
Valdis inhaled deeply. "I've heard about the departure of Eilin and about the King's dire state, I won't lie, but I know little else. Like the rest of Erebor. How can I assume my Lord? That would be a folly."
Fili nodded and when he looked at her again his eyes were dry, "so do you think I would be alright after all this?"
She shook her head. "No and that is why I am worried about you."
Fili's gaze felt unbearably heavy on her for several moments. "Why would something like that happen to him?"
Valdis felt her lips turning down.
Fili closed his eyes. "Why to him my lady tell me?"
She lowered her eyes to the table and pressed her nails upon one of the scratches at its surface. What could she tell the prince that would alleviate his pain. She barely knew what had happened, how could she answer things she didn't know?
"You cannot answer can you?"
She felt deeply discouraged, but gazed at him steadily. "I cannot."
He bit his upper lip and looked at her hands. "He's done everything he could for his people since he was a dwarfling. He's sacrificed his whole life for Durin's folk. He did everything he could to protect us not only here in Erebor, but to assist and support our people in exile. To find them a new home and to make them flourish. He did everything he could to reclaim our lost homeland and the biggest treasure of Middle Earth out of the hands of darkness. He died for for us! He came back to life for us! Everything he did was for his kin and family. Why would Mahal do this to him?!" With each sentence Fili's voice grew stronger. The last sentence was yelled in pain.
She reached out and grasped his hand. The air froze around them. "I am so sorry my lord."
He looked at their joined hands and shuddered. "He's my father Valdis..."
She felt her eyes burning.
"I don't want to see him wither", he muttered.
Her hand tightened around his.
"It's not easy to destroy the Mountain King, is it? Even the Necromancer failed to diminish him," Fili frowned.
"No my lord, not easy at all," Valdis rejoined.
"Breaking his heart was the only way to break the whole of him. Whoever did this, wanted to break the whole of him," Fili rubbed his eyes forcefully, wanting to pull out all those haunting thoughts.
"Did what?" Valdis leaned in.
He removed his hands. "You cannot understand, but I cannot speak more of this. I am sorry." He said regretfully.
"How can I help you if you don't share your woes with me my Lord?" she spoke softly.
"I cannot" -his voice broke and so did his gaze- "for you see it is the obligation of a ruler to bear the burden. The King taught me that. I must sustain through this. I must keep the secrets. His secrets."
Valdis bit both lips and felt her eyes tearing up.
"I don't want what he has," Fili whispered after several moments.
"What do you mean my lord?" Valdis rejoined.
"I don't want his burden Valdis. I don't want to make the sacrifices he made. I don't want to have to decide between my heart and my rule. However much I love him, I don't want to be in his shoes. I cannot understand how he kept on walking with all these chains wrapped around his shins for over a hundred and fifty years", Fili gazed at her heartbroken.
"I cannot even begin to fathom his affliction," she said quietly.
"I can..." -Fili's mouth twitched with a haunted smile- "he allowed me to take a brief peak into his hell and I want to give it back to him unused." His hand reached out and grasped Valdis'.
She gazed down at their hands mesmerised.
"I should have wanted to alleviate his hell...but I don't," he continued.
She held her breath.
"I don't want it," Fili repeated and Valdi's heart broke for the first time in years.
It took Thorin a long time to get himself out of that northern passage. It was his horse that animated him as he was unable to move from his kneeling position. It returned after it felt its master was calm enough and nudged him with its nose. Even mounting his horse was a struggle. He arrived at Erebor's gates long after the bell had given out it's third chime for the night. When inside he was unable to lead his horse down to the stables. Wordlessly with a skin that was still freezing and with lips that were blue and trembling he dismounted and abandoned his steed at the care of the confused guards. He led his steps slowly up to his room and met with no one along the way until he opened his door. That is when a shocked Dis grabbed his forearm and made him look back at her.
"Thorin? Where the hell have you been? We've been searching for you all day!" she felt her heart sinking when she saw his pale features.
He pursed his lips and pulled his arm back. Even disentangling himself from his sister's grip felt too difficult for him. He went in and tried to close the door behind, but her hands opened it up wide again and she followed him in.
"Why do you look like death for Mahal's sake?" she asked as he directed his steps to the armchair next to the fire.
He emptied himself in it and cradled his body trying to stop it from shaking so much. He didn't remember the last time he had felt this cold...or did he? Wasn't it when he was dying up in Ravenhill? Didn't he shudder then from the cold that had shrouded his body like a dark blanket? Did it feel any different to him now?
He closed his eyes.
Dis's fingers glided past his cold cheek and she pulled back with a hiss. "Wolf...you are freezing..." she whispered in disbelief.
A ghostly hairpin appeared on the side of his lips.
Her hands came immediately around his shoulders and she drew him into a warm embrace. "How is that even remotely possible? Our kin is resilient to extreme temperatures. Thorin are you sick?..." she pulled back to look at his face.
He swallowed heavily.
"We rarely get sick do we? Not at this age...Thorin what happened to you?" -she muttered with eyes that were full of apprehension and caressed his cold temple. Then her hands fell above his gloved ones- "Oh, my love you are trembling," she exclaimed and pulled off his wet gloves to find his skin equally blue and gold underneath.
"Leave me..." his voice was hoarse.
She shook her head and felt fear clenching her stomach hard. "No way. You are blue from the cold. This is unnatural for us Thorin. There is something seriously wrong with you, stand still. I need to take off your wet clothes." She pulled him and took off his vest.
He immediately rested back and crossed his arms around his shivering body, "get out Dis."
She frowned down at him. "Are you intoxicated?"
He shook his head. "No."
"How much did you drink today?" she insisted.
"Nothing."
"Last night?" she rejoined.
He shook his head. "I didn't drink at all Dis for two days, now let me rest. Get out..." He whispered with a voice that had no strength.
"I need to look after you wolf, this is dangerous. How in the name of Mahal did you manage to become so frozen? I've never felt you so cold in my life," she muttered as she took off his boots. Then she began replenishing the fire and tried to pull his armchair closer to it.
He had never felt himself so cold in his life either, but that thought was not enough to keep him awake. He began dozing off.
"Have you eaten anything?" she cupped his cheek to see if he was getting any warmer. Then her fingers brushed the scar above his brow that was still purple.
He didn't even hear her question.
"Thorin? can you hear me?" she asked and caressed his cheek.
No response.
Panic began overtaking her, especially with his cold skin that didn't seem to be warming up at all. "Thorin! Don't do this to me! Can you hear me?!" she slapped him hard across the face wanting in some manner to animate him.
He inhaled sharply and his eyes flew open. They were bloodshot, "get out Dis!" He grumbled.
"No...I need to help you..." she tried.
"I said get out!" he turned the other way.
"Thorin please you are not well..." she tried.
"Out!" His voice slashed the air like a whip. A shudder of fear run down her spine.
"Thorin..." she whispered.
His eyes fell on her cold and distant.
She moved towards the door. "I will call Oin. You need to be checked..."
"No one enters this room without serious consequences. Get out and stay out!" he commanded with a voice that didn't take no for an answer.
She walked back out of his door and leaned on it until it closed shut. Then she cupped her face and tried to stop her heart from thudding panicky. A soft voice made her look down.
"Is the King okay ma'am?" Lis was twisting her small fingers around each other.
"I don't think so" -Dis replied- "I need to go and find Oin. Can you please go to the kitchens and make him something warm?"
Lis nodded eagerly, "of course ma'm."
"He ordered no one to go in his room. Knock and leave the tray out. Tell him to come get it." Dis told her and left to find Oin.
Lis began nibbling her bottom lip. If the King was not well how could he get up to take his food? The princess must have been very confused to give such orders. Intending to do things her own way and feeling she already had a secret way of communicating with the King after her daring heist of that war carriage, she went down to the kitchens to prepare him something warm.
A little while later, it was her turn to knock on his door insistently. No answer came from within and Lis felt it was going to be useless to let the tray outside no matter the King's orders. She flicked her shoulders and entered the room. Thorin was not inside. Lis frowned and closed the door. She looked dejected down the corridor knowing that she had to search for him. She began roaming the upper levels of Erebor searching every single place the King usually could be found, but she didn't find him.
It was by shear luck that she was passing from the open door of the infirmary and she saw his wide shoulder blades draped by his long wavy hair. She smiled and entered. No one was inside apart from him. Not even the man that usually took care of the sick. She approached quietly and placed the tray onto the side table of the bed that the King was standing in front off like a statue.
Then she came up next to him and crossed her hands, mimicking his posture. "Hello Sir."
Thorin's heavy eyelids opened up slowly. His azure eyes looked at her lost.
"I brought you something warm to eat. The princess said that you were freezing." Lis pointed at the tray.
Thorin's lips twitched and his eyes returned thoughtfully at the occupant of the bed. He didn't speak.
"No need to thank me," Lis said cheekily.
Thorin raised both brows and humphed.
Lis counted inwards for him to give her a reply or some attention. When he didn't and she felt her skin crawling by the silence she decided to break it once more. The curiosity was eating her up. "Is this a relative of yours?" she pointed at the bed.
Thorin shook his head, "no."
Lis nodded and twisted her waist around feeling more bored by the minute. How could the King stand still for so long? She was unable to do so. Another thing that bothered her mother to no end. "Uhm, so why did you come to see him? A friend of yours?"
Thorin's brow darkened. "No," his voice became deeper.
Lis scrounged her lips. "Then what is he to you?"
"My worst enemy," Thorin's voice sounded oppressed, something that Lis missed.
She cringed confused. "Why did you come to visit your enemy?"
Thorin inhaled deeply. "I was debating about him."
"What's a debate?" Lis twisted head with interest.
Thorin looked at her briefly. "I was arguing with myself about him."
Lis snorted and cupped her mouth. "You argue with yourself?"
Thorin raised his brow, "you don't?"
Lis scowled. "Sometimes I do, but mom doesn't like it when I speak to myself. She says it's unnatural."
Thorin humphed. "Then we are both unnatural."
Lis crossed her arms happily. "Good."
Thorin glared at her.
"I am not the only weirdo in this place," Lis explained.
Thorin sighed, "you are most certainly not."
"Soooo..."
Thorin closed his eyes and a ghostly smile appeared on his lips.
"oooooo...what were you arguing with yourself about?"
"If I'd snap his neck on the spot or let him perish slowly. Sleeping eternally...hiding all his knowledge behind those damned closed eyes." Thorin's countenance became grim.
Lis flinched. "Ewww, that sounded nasty."
Thorin's face was frozen.
Lis placed a finger on her lips. "What did he do sir?...oh waaaaaaait..." she said in a sudden understanding.
Thorin looked at her with mild interest.
"Is he the one that spoke nastily about your friend? The one you told me about in Ered Mithrin?"
The King averted his eyes.
"Oh! Was your friend miss Eilin?" Lis grabbed his arm in another late realisation.
Thorin pressed his lips. He didn't reply.
"Only miss Eilin is not your friend, but your fiancee...you will get married soon and you will have kids and I will be here to help with them. Come to think of it I can be their nanny can't I? No, not a nanny, I will be their bodyguard, like mister Dwalin is for you!" She sounded so eager and happy that he didn't want to stop her, but he had to. Each word of hers was a dagger send directly to his heart.
"Enough child."
"Sorry sir," she looked at her shoes regretfully.
He reached out and placed his wide palm on the top of her golden hair. He gave her a couple of gentle pats.
"That's why you want to kill him, hey? He lied about miss Eilin?" she looked up at him with wide eyes.
"I want to kill him because he rattled my world... because he exists." Thorin said with a hoarse voice.
"I think you should spare him..." she said decisively and crossed her palms in front of her apron.
"You do?" he gave her a quizzical side look.
"The great Mahal knows best. Let him decide this man's fate!"
Thorin sighed and looked down at Nythrasir's calm features. The man that destroyed Thorin's life, looked as if he was sleeping so peacefully. The rage that was shimmering behind Thorin's cold exterior rippled for a few tense moments. Then he thought of this man's wife that lost her child. So many people got destroyed by Nythrasir's secret in such a short period of time. He felt his throat drying out and his eyes burning. He rubbed his palms together thoughtfully, noticing indifferently that his skin had warmed up significantly after Dis left him. "Maybe us mortals should take over our destiny for once and not fear the Gods or wait for their fair judgment. The Gods have made a lot of mistakes child, I think now it is our turn to try."
Lis looked at her hands thoughtfully. "That's a lot of work isn't it?"
Thorin raised his brow.
"Doing the work of a God..." she clarified.
A smile toyed on his mouth. "I suppose it is."
"You are the King! You have a lot of work already."
"I do." He gave her a lopsided smile.
"Then why do you want more work? Share it with the maker. He might be able to help you," Lis said seriously.
He pressed his lips. "I am not sure the maker is as wise are we are making him out be, but for now I shall take your advice."
"You will?!" her mouth dropped open.
He looked down at her and nodded.
She grinned pleased and rubbed her hands together, "good!"
He returned his eyes to the sleeping man, feeling his rage and pain backing up a few steps under Lis's happy disposition. She remained silent next to him, but she never stopped moving. Swinging her bottom, twisting her waist, clapping her hands, popping her cheeks, clicking her tongue. She was forcing herself not to speak.
"Out with it," he said after what he felt was the last thread of his patience with her inability to stay immobile.
"Do you miss Miss Eilin?" she tittered.
He felt as if a hand emerged from the stone floor and ripped his heart off. His mouth opened up and a soft exhalation escaped, "I do."
Lis nodded.
Thorin felt his eyes burning. "Do you miss your mother?"
"Not really."
Thorin looked at her surprised, for a moment forgetting the agony the little girl's words awoke.
Lis hurried to explain. "She's only been gone since yesterday and when she's here she's always on my case."
Thorin raised his chin up in slow understanding.
"But I do miss my dad...before coming back to Erebor, Princess Dis took me to visit his grave in the burial grounds." Lis's voice fell.
His hand came out again and this time landed on her shoulder. He didn't have to draw her in, she came over and wrapped her small arms around his waist, barely managing a good job with it.
"Do you visit your dad's grave?" Lis said and rubbed her cheek at his side.
Thorin's eyes burned anew. "He doesn't have a grave. I never recovered his body to bring it to burial."
Lis tightened her arms around him. "I forgot! I am am sorry mister King."
He smiled. "How about calling me Sir?"
She looked up. "The mister King bothers you?"
"Immensely," he said with a lopsided smile.
She cringed. "Sir, isn't it sad that you don't have a grave to visit your daddy?"
"It is, but I will soon mend that." His brows came together and dark clouds gathered over them.
Lis flicked her shoulders, unable to grasp either Thorin's words or the depth that she had taken the conversation with him.
"What do you think our fathers see from up there?" she pointed at the sky.
He shuddered. "A world coming to ruins, us other times failing..." -he looked down at her head- "other times winning. Maybe some are proud of what they see, and some are ashamed" -his face fell- "maybe they feel regret for not using all their chances before they died. I cannot know child...not yet, and when I find out I won't be able to come back to tell you. That's the circle of life."
She scrounged her lips and tightened her arms around his waist, pushing her forefingers under his heavy belt just to be on the safe side that he wouldn't pull away. "I will use all my chances Sir, before I die! I promise!"
He smiled sweetly. "Do that child, because when the time comes to say a prayer on the book of the dead, you might find yourself barren of words, like I am."
"I didn't understand a single thing you said Sir," she said quietly.
His lips turned down. "Better that you didn't." He caressed her hair gently.
After a few quiet moments she pulled back and showed him the table. "I brought you up some warm milk and some cram. It softens with the milk and becomes chewy and tasty if you add some honey. I brought it to warm you up, but now it's cold...and you are warm." Lis said.
"It's okay, I am not hungry," Thorin told her.
"Yet you must eat something because your sister is deeply worried for you," the solemn voice of Oin made both Thorin and Lis look back.
Lis grinned at him and pulled back. "Hello mister!"
Oin approached and stood in front of Thorin. He looked down at the pretty little dwarfling. "Hi, darling." Then he turned his serious gaze onto Thorin again. "Dis went to look for you in the top rampart. She's gone crazy with worry. She said you were frozen."
"I am not anymore," Thorin said dismissively.
"Dwarves never freeze my King," Oin's voice became heavier.
Thorin looked at him coldly.
"It's not in our blood to suffer the elements of nature. The fact that especially someone as strong as you failed to hold onto his body heat, shows you are not well. Mentally, physically or both. " Oin crossed his arms on his chest.
Thorin sighed deeply and walked away from both Lis and Oin. "Leave your solicitude for another day cousin."
Oin thundered behind him. "What is happening my King? The world is falling apart and you are pulling further away from us every single day."
The King hesitated for a few moments. His hands became tight fists when he spoke the next words. "The world is ruled by fear. Fear of others. The world I rule is old and it might be time for it to fall apart and end."
"Fear draws us into darkness. When the world falls into darkness there are some men that can lead it back into the light. You are one of these men. Don't fall into the abyss. Don't let it consume you. Not only for us this time, not only for this kingdom, not only for your people, but also for yourself. Demup telek menu.**" Oin said gravely and bowed his head in respect.
Thorin's eyes seared through Oin's with a tension that was palpable. Then he turned around and left the infirmary. Without saying goodbye to Lis who understood there was something very wrong with the King.
He walked up to Thror's study and locked himself in it. He remained under locks for twenty three days and it was at the dawning of the twenty fourth that he decided to finally break his isolation.
A/N:
* (Darkness has come) from Enya's song - May it be.
** honour acts through you.
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