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A/N: Damn it...that's what happens when you are too tired. I forgot the most important thing ever. To thank Godmother StephCalvino for giving the baby the nickname Little Gem. That speaks to her heart, but also to mine. Thank you my friend for another beautiful addition. Sorry for me being so damned forgetful *.*
Also I want to thank her for taking time of her busy schedule to correct my mistakes! *.*
Little drops of heaven
It was ten days later and at the end of Bagshot Row Bilbo's home was settling down for the night. The rain outside was beating against the windows relentlessly as it had been doing for the last four days. Bilbo's small office was occupied with several scripted and drawn pages. Instead of working on them though he was musing at the raindrops that were sailing down his windowpane. Gandalf was sitting in one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace. Enjoying the warmth of the fire and the soothing tapping of the rain on the roof.
"Do you have any more Toby?" Gandalf asked quietly.
Bilbo looked above his shoulder inattentively and winced. "You've finished all of it already?"
Gandalf flicked one shoulder. "It's one of the best batches I have ever tasted my good man. Now bring over some more."
Bilbo got off his stool and tightened the belt around his warm housecoat. He went to a chest and took out a small pouch. Then he walked to Gandalf and handed it over. "You had to stop me just as I was getting into the flow of things, didn't you?"
Gandalf smirked. "I didn't see you getting into the flow of anything. You were out woolgathering. What are you up to? New story?"
Bilbo smiled and sat down on his stool again. He picked up his quill and began drawing the Dwarven runes of Thror's map he had copied hurriedly back in Erebor, onto a clean page. "Yes, my adventures with Thorin's company."
"I figured that one already, even though it's not very wise to begin writing a story that hasn't finished yet." Gandalf raised his brow.
Bilbo twisted his lips. "I think my part in this story has finished."
Gandalf shook his head. "I don't think so. You've got the main character's most prized possession in one of your rooms right now."
Bilbo raised his finger. "I have a long way to go to reach that part of the story."
Gandalf smiled. "And I am sure many more interesting things will happen in between. Fresh material to add as you go along."
Bilbo crossed his arms. "I hope that they are going to be good things from now on."
Gandalf lit his pipe and inhaled deeply. "That is something no one can foretell my dear Bilbo, but your story with Thorin Oakenshield up to this point hasn't been too bad."
Bilbo's face fell. "Oh, come on, are you serious? We scraped shoulders with the grim reaper repeatedly!"
Gandalf raised his brow. "Well, we had a few close calls."
Bilbo pressed his lips testily. "Few close calls? We've lived through a bloody nightmare! Almost a tragedy!"
Gandalf tilted his head calmly. "Almost, I agree. I believe we are rather lucky to have experienced this adventure exactly as it unfolded in our timeline."
Bilbo looked up and frowned. "What do you mean?"
Gandalf leaned back and inhaled the smoke deeply allowing it to relax him. "I have a feeling my dear man that there could have been many truly catastrophic outcomes from this adventure if given the chance."
Bilbo sighed. "As if Eilin's condition was not scary enough, or Thorin escaping death so many times, or the fact that he decided to give up the throne he worked so hard for in the first place...Those aren't enough calamities for you?"
"It could have been much worse," Gandalf wised.
Bilbo shook his head dismissively. "Says the man that feared so much everything about the Northern Alliance."
Gandalf inclined his head. "Says the man that feels secure enough that the alliance Oakenshield created will last through whoever sits on that throne eventually. Nevertheless we could have had much grimmer results out of his famous stubbornness."
Bilbo smiled. "I don't even want to imagine..."
Gandalf leaned back and closed his eyes. "The flow of events that seem so certain for us can be torn apart only too easily Bilbo Baggins by just a single different decision at any given time. Thorin Oakenshield could have died in the battle of Azanulbizar not giving us a chance to ever meet him or maybe by the cleaver of the defiler up in Ravenhill along with both his nephews. Maybe he could have died before even making it to the Lonely Mountain, or he could have been denied the opportunity to start the quest for Erebor because Smaug never existed. Eilin could have never been born, thus denying the Mountain King to meet his true One. So many timelines...so many loose threads floating free, but now in this world we live in only one took up roots. The one you are getting ready to script." Gandalf pointed at Bilbo's pages.
Bilbo raised both brows. "Hearing all these other possible outcomes, I begin to feel thankful indeed..."
Gandalf tilted his head with a careful smile. "You should."
Bilbo looked at his hands thoughtfully. "Gandalf you do know that none of these events would have come to pass, hadn't you intervened so timely to save Thorin's life. So you are not only an amazing fireworks master, but also a master plotter of future events."
"Something that was never agreeable with that headstrong Dwarf Lord. Now let us smoke and be merry. Tis a lovely evening." -Gandalf gave a quick look at the corridor that led to the inner rooms- "Little lady asleep?"
Bilbo tried to shake off the stupor that Gandalf had placed him in. "Yes, she needs to rest. She's still not fully recovered yet."
Gandalf pursed his lips. "She went through a lot of hardship. I am glad that Lady Galadriel called me to Rivendell when she did and gave me the opportunity to go through your home."
Bilbo sighed thoughtfully. "We are all thankful for that."
"So have you thought of a name for your new book?" Gandalf looked at the open pages on the desk in front of Bilbo.
Bilbo thought long and hard before answering "The Hobbit!"
"For someone whose imagination is so wild, you lack on the title department." Gandalf rebuked caustically.
Bilblo frowned. "Fine...then how about -An unexpected journey?"
Gandalf smiled. "That's a bit better. Now take care not to settle down upon your stool too much, because we might have visitors soon."
Bilbo looked above his shoulder with a frown. "At this hour and in this weather...who?"
Gandalf leaned forth and rested his elbows on his knees. "I hear crows cawing outside..."
It was in the dead of night that Thorin and Dwalin dismounted in front of Bilbo's home. Thorin raised his fist and began banging so fiercely on the circular door that it rattled upon its hinges. Dwalin reached up and restraining him with great difficulty.
"Enough! You are going to bring the bloody door down!" Dwalin grumbled.
"I'll bring the whole house down if needed!" Thorin rebuked furiously. He pulled his arm free and resumed his ferocious rapping.
"There are lights inside. Give him a chance to come to the door for Mahal's sake!" Dwalin tried to calm down his friend, something that he had been trying to do every since they began this accursed trek to the Shire.
Thorin raised his fist to start a fresh series of abuse towards the door when it finally opened up. Thorin and Dwalin turned simultaneously and looked at Bilbo who stood in front of them like a statue. He was trying to figure out if they had jumped out of the pages of his story and materialised in front of his home or if they were truly there.
"Thorin?" he stammered.
The King immediately got animated when he heard Bilbo's voice. He stormed inside without waiting for an invitation. "Where is she?!"
Bilbo tried to stop him. "Wait Thorin..."
Thorin completely ignored Bilbo who was trailing behind him and raised his eyes at Gandalf who was gazing down at him calmly. "Mithrandir..." he hissed and his eyes thinned angrily.
Gandalf smiled. "Here comes the tempest...Welcome King Thorin."
"I am not the Mountain King anymore." Thorin rejoined vehemently.
Gandalf raised his brow calmly. "I didn't call you Mountain King, but King Thorin."
Thorin scowled at the wizard. "It's one and the same."
Gandalf opened his mouth to retort, but Thorin rebuked assertively. "Not another word from you."
Gandalf sighed patiently and leaned against the wall. "Wouldn't dream of it...King Thorin."
Thorin raised his brow at Gandalf in forewarning and after seeing no reaction he turned to Bilbo. "Show me to her room!"
Bilbo placed both hands on his wide chest to stop him, but that wasn't enough. Thorin dragged the Hobbit with him like he was part of his clothing. "Wait, take off your boots and your coat. You don't want to wet the poor girl!" -Bilbo tried to make him see reason- "Also I don't want my house full of mud!"
Thorin gritted his teeth and stopped long enough to discard his overcoat onto the floor, which Bilbo tried to catch before it landed on his carpet. Then he took off his leather coat and threw it angrily at Gandalf who caught it mid air. "There! Good enough for you?! Now show me to her room before I rampage this place!" He spat coldly at Bilbo.
"Give me a moment to get a grip on things. Don't storm me like that, I cannot handle you!" Bilbo rejoined and placed his wet coat near the door.
Thorin huffed feeling at the end of his teether and without anymore words stormed deeper in Bilbo's home in order to find Eilin's room on his own.
Bilbo tried to stop him again. "Wait!", but it was Dwalin's hand that pulled him back this time.
"I'd suggest you show him Eilin's room. I had a great difficulty keeping him from destroying everything in his path to get here. If I cannot contain him, then neither can you." -Then he turned quietly towards Gandalf- "Me and Mithrandir are going to share a cup of mead in your living room. Right master wizard? We have a lot to catch up on."
Gandalf smiled and followed Dwalin. "With pleasure. Got some lovely Toby to share with you, even though it would do a world of good for Thorin also."
Dwalin waved at Gandalf dismissively. "Leave him alone...man is suffering and it will take much more than weed to heal his heart."
Gandalf tilted his head in accordance and Bilbo turned his attention to Thorin who was searching the long corridor that led to the back rooms. He gazed back at Dwalin's muddy footprints staining his pristine clean floor and rolled his eyes. Hadn't he perchance came face to face with the dwarven brashness before? He exhaled and ran after Thorin raising his hand. "Wait! I'll show you!"
Thorin stopped with his hand on a door handle and looked back at Bilbo with a menacing frown that gave the Hobbit pause. "This is Loa's room."
Thorin didn't take his hand away from the handle. Bilbo tried to pull it away, but was unable to make it budge. "Disentangle your hand from the door Thorin and listen to me please! Both Loa and Eilin are asleep and the girl needs to rest as she's still recovering. It's way into the night, if you haven't noticed!"
Thorin's hand loosened around the handle and he allowed Bilbo to grasp him by the forearm shield and led him to the end of another long corridor until they reached Eilin's door. Bilbo stopped and tried to penetrate Thorin's cold eyes. "She's here, but take care not to wake her up. I know you are worried, but she feels better, believe me."
Thorin swallowed heavily and put his hand on the handle.
"Roac notified you?" Bilbo whispered.
His fingers trembled and his jawline flexed with the need to control his reactions in front of Bilbo. "Yes..." He spoke in a hushed tone.
Bilbo offered him a careful smile and clasped his tense shoulder. "I took care of her like you requested. I wouldn't have let her come to any harm."
Thorin felt his throat growing dry and a hand squeezed all the air out of his lungs unexpectedly. He pushed the violent cascade of emotions back with great effort and raised his eyes slowly at the hobbit. "I appreciate your help Bilbo, but I was the one that put her in harm's way, no matter your valiant tries to keep her safe."
Bilbo shook his head. "You look ready to collapse. I don't know who's worse right now, you or her. Go in..."
Thorin nodded and opened up the door carefully. He walked into the room and leaned on the door in order to close it. His eyes fell to the lump on the bed and instantly every single emotion he had kept trapped ever since he learned of Eilin's bleeding screamed for release. He leaned his head back on the door panel and exhaled hard, letting go of all the bitter guilt that had been locked up for the whole duration of his journey here. Every single pointy end of his despair that had been prickling his soul these ten days on the road, now tore it in half and he tried very hard not to wake her up with the moans of pain that tried to break free from his chest. The back of his head thumped on the door panel as his hands pressed his eyes and mouth, trying to mute the vocalisation of his agony. Seeing Eilin sleeping safely in this warm bed was all it took for him to feel his bottled up anguish ready to erupt. He remained for several moments by the door barely managing a good job at being quiet. When he finally pulled his hands away from his face, the lines around his mouth and at the edge of his eyes were cutting deep.
The curtains of everlasting control and assertiveness had drawn back to show a wounded Dwarfling in the stead of the mighty King. He took the first step hesitantly, not wanting to wake her up. He was not just afraid of the sadness that he would witness in those eyes, but also of the rejection. When he neared her bed he stood above her like an angel of darkness and light at the same time. The one that could save her and kill her with a single strike and yet he didn't feel the power he had on her, but the totality of the power she had on him instead.
He felt weakened and defeated in front of her sleeping body. Her head was half buried under the heavy quilt and he couldn't see any of her features apart from her hair. He leaned close to her and his palm met the amazing softness of her curly locks, making his breath catch. His fingers skimmed softly past her face and lowered the quilt down to her shoulder. A fresh on rush of tears threatened to choke him when he saw the thin paleness of her countenance. His bottom lip quivered as he looked at the face of a sick woman in the stead of his lovely Eilin...the woman he had embraced so fiercely that last night before leaving for Ered Mithrin. That accursed night he read Nyrthrasir's note.
What have I done to you?
Seeing Eilin so sick and broken was enough to unlock his knees. He emptied himself onto the floor next to her bed. His hand came up to her cheek as he tried to recall her mesmerising beauty. The one that had never abandon his memories even during his most desolate moments. She looked so painfully frail that his heart rushed to envelop her protectively. His finger traced the hairline on her forehead and tracked it down to her temple where he caught onto one of her soft locks and caressed it tenderly.
"Please don't leave me alone in this world, for I will follow you soon after." He whispered.
She breathed steadily, blessedly trapped into the world of dreams.
He shook his head. "How can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? I destroyed you and our child. How can I make everything right for you again?..." he spoke with the same hushed tone. One hand insisted in tending to her temple while the other took something out of his vest pocket. He reached up and pulled the blanket down until he could find her hand. He opened up her loose fist and placed the golden dove on her palm. The diamonds sparkled for a brief moment before Thorin closed up her fist with his large hand, feeling her frail bones under his skin. He gritted his teeth against the overwhelming guilt of seeing his One so crushed by his actions. The only thing that mattered now was for him to bring her back to life in any manner. He would give his last breath just to see her smile once more.
His arm wrapped around her thin shoulder and he had to fight against the urge to pull her in, as he didn't want to arouse her quiet repose. His head leaned upon the mattress without his permission and his eyes burned with unshed tears as he looked affectionately at the woman he almost killed with his behaviour. She was sleeping unaware of the pain that was unfolding in front of her feet. The thought that he had managed to kill the child in her...their child...a child that had been a miracle for him came to undo him a thousandfold.
He remained there beside her defeated and lost. Insistently counting her deep and steady breaths, hanging on from each one of them as if they were small drops of heaven for him. Her breaths quickly lulled him into an infernal sleep that resembled more a small death. All his mental, emotional and physical fatigue got released under the comfort of her warm body below his heavy arm and her soft exhalations that were caressing the top of his head. Even though the pain of their baby's loss was tearing his heart apart every single time the thought returned, he slipped into a world of nightmares right there next to her without ever intending to.
What woke him up much later was a soft caress at the top of his head. It felt as if a finger had tunnelled through one of his thick locks and was twisting it around gently. His eyes cracked open and he saw sunlight reflecting upon the wall. Morning found him still in the same position he had passed out in and the caress on his head also meant that Eilin was awake. He felt his heart sinking in deep sorrow as he forced himself to turn around and face her.
When their eyes locked his world exploded with myriad colours he didn't know even existed. His mouth dropped open and he inhaled deeply. She was looking at him with thoughtful calmness.
"Are you really here?" she finally whispered.
The sound of her beloved voice...he closed his eyes and a fleeting tremor ran down his back. Oh, how he had missed her voice.
"What remains of me still alive is here," he spoke in a hushed tone.
A sad smile cracked the side of her lips. "Convince me that you are here..."
"How?" he reached up and found her hand that was still holding the pendant. She hadn't even felt it, so consumed she was by his sudden appearance in front of her.
"Tease me..." she frowned.
His wide palm enclosed hers protectively. "I cannot. My heart is bleeding for what I have done to you..."
She reached out and placed a finger on his lips. "Remember how you used to love my awkwardness?"
"I still do..." he muttered.
She kept her eyes closed and her head shook slightly. "I always adored your teases. Just tease me. Convince me that you are here, body and soul, and not a figment of my imagination. That you won't evaporate into thin air the minute I get out of bed."
"Eilin I am here..."
"Tease me please. Remind me what it was like to be loved by you, for I fear my mind has already forgotten. The pain has now wiped out everything nice you have ever placed in it."
His eyes pooled with tears and he kissed the back of her hand with fervour. "I've put something in your hand. Don't you feel it?"
She opened up her eyes and her forlorn gaze burrowed onto his, tearing his soul to pieces. She opened up her hand and looked at the pendant. "It's a dove..." she murmured.
He nodded silently.
"Is this for me?"
He had to force himself to satisfy her request, because his heart was not in it. "No, I rode furiously through half of Middle Earth in order to give it to Bilbo. I don't know how the hell it ended up in your hands."
A ghostly smile appeared on her lips. "So why did you bring it now that everything is over?" the tone of her voice slowly turned forlorn.
"Because I don't want us to be over Eilin..." -his eyes seared into hers with all the honesty that he felt in his soul- "Because without you I prefer to die."
Another long silence before she drew back her hand away from his. He averted his eyes, knowing that she was going to reject him. She had every right to do so. He didn't dare meet her demanding stare now after offering her his soul so openly.
"It is beautiful..." she spoke with a hushed tone after several moments where anxiety pooled into Thorin's stomach.
"Not more than you..." he turned his azure eyes on her timidly, but still she kept hers religiously away from him.
She remained tensely silent. Not knowing what to tell him, yet wishing to tell him everything within one word.
He observed her face and his heart sank at the paleness of her lips and at how prominent her cheek bones were under her beautiful green eyes. Her breathtaking beauty was still there present, but it seemed forsaken. His eyes filled with sorrow. "Eilin...you are so thin..."
She averted her face.
He teared up. "What have I done to you?"
"That's all that remains of me still alive...it's not much is it?" a melancholic smile appeared on her lips.
"I destroyed you..." he whispered feeling heart-broken.
"You destroyed us..." she rejoined softly.
"Can you ever forgive me?" he didn't have the courage to raise his voice above a mere murmur.
She didn't reply, but her fingers started caressing the diamond dove in her palm. Her eyes never left that token, but he saw tears running down her cheeks.
He reached up and cleared one of them before it reached her mouth.
A timid smile appeared in the corner of her lips.
He tweaked that hairpin gently. "Was that a smile?"
Her bitter smile grew a bit wider. "It's probably a sad try."
"Is it for me?" this time his eyes searched for hers achingly.
She huffed softly and wiped her face clean. "No, it's for this dove."
He closed his eyes and nodded. "That's good enough. If you cannot smile for me at least you can smile for my token. A small victory against this darkness that has consumed us both."
Suddenly her weak smile vanished and her face fell. More tears run down her cheeks covering her chin and running down her bosom. She lowered her eyes to her palms again and pushed his hand away from her face.
He swallowed heavily. "Are you still bleeding?"
She shook her head. "Is this why you came?"
His heart pinched him hard. "I was already on my way to you, when I learned what happened."
Her lips turned down and she ran the back of her hand over her stuffy nose. "I am not bleeding anymore."
"Do you feel better?" he whispered.
"A little..." she offered another ghostly smile to his token, but not to him.
He reached out and touched her hand with his fingers fearful that she was going to push him away once more. "Now that I am here I shall not let any harm befall you, on my word of honour."
She cringed and shook her head. "No more promises Thorin, no."
His eyes gazed at her in sorrow. "Won't you give me a chance Eilin? Am I not worth one more chance?"
A violent sob escaped her suddenly and she cupped her mouth in order to hide it from him.
He tried to grasp her hand, but she pushed him away gently. "You speak about protection, but can you protect me from yourself? It's you that wounded me Thorin. Not a man I have never met. You are the only one able to hurt me so bad. How can you protect me from yourself?" she raised her eyes demandingly at him even though her sorrow was clearly visible behind the coldness that she was trying to put up as a first line of defence.
"By killing me if needed," his jawline gritted.
Her eyes lost their hardness in slow realisation of what he just said and her bottom lip quivered. "No...not like this...don't speak like this."
He reached up and this time clasped her hand so tightly that she was unable and unwilling to pull it away. "I will kill anyone who dares to touch you Eilin and that includes me..."
She moaned and tried to hide her face from him hopelessly.
He squeezed his eyes tight and his brows creased. "I am so sorry for what I have done Eilin...words cannot even begin to explain the anguish I feel for how I treated you."
"Why did you come here?" she stammered.
That dagger pierced his heart through and through. "I came prepared to give my life in order to right my wrongs. To kneel and beg for your forgiveness."
This time her heart betrayed her. Her eyes lifted up and were immediately captured by his. "Thorin..."
He clasped her other hand and brought them both onto his chest as he kneeled there in front of her feet. "Will you run away from me again? You said you'd remain if I believe you. That we'd do everything to mend what we've broken. I believe you Eilin, I swear on my life that I believe you...give me one more chance..."
She closed her eyes. "What if I changed my mind?"
He exhaled already feeling conquered. "Then I shall follow you wherever you go. I won't let you go. I cannot live without you." He frowned.
Another ghostly smile appeared on her lips. "Then I shall hide from you."
"I will turn Middle Earth upside down and inside out. I will wage war on everyone. Everything will come to ruins until I find you again!" he said solemnly.
She squeezed her eyes tight.
"I want you to allow me to to try one more time to be the man that you deserve." His whisper was broken.
She tightened her fists as they were contained from his large palms firmly and felt his token cutting through her skin, yet she didn't remove them. "When you have been treated like dirt it's hard to allow someone treat you well. The first person to ever treat me well was your sister, but then you came along and redefined every concept of life or love I had created with my poor mind. Seeing the person I love most in the world treat me like dirt was devastating. You first build a whole new world for me and then brought it to ruins... Thorin I lost my faith in humanity again. It is one thing to be treated badly by someone you don't care, but it hurts like hell to be treated this way by someone you love. The pain is unbearable."
He clutched her hands between his and crushed his lips on them. "I am unforgivable, but please give me the chance to fix this mess for us. I don't care how long it takes, please allow me to restore your faith in me. I won't use any excuses for what I did. No matter my own pain I am inexcusable. I am here to kneel before you and tell you I am sorry for not believing you. I am sorry I treated you this way. Even though I carry two hundred years on my back and a lot of greys in my hair, I am nothing but a fool. I love you more than life and I cannot continue living it without you."
"You are a hundred and ninety six and they are not greys. They are the most beautiful silver I have ever seen," she smiled sweetly and released one of her hands. He looked at it with dread believing that she was going to pull away the other also and reject him again, but when he felt her fingers tunnelling through the silver locks on the top of his head, he shuddered and closed his eyes.
"I am still a fool for mistreating the greatest treasure in Middle Earth." he whispered in despair.
"Am I that? She frowned.
"You are so much more than that. You are the air that I breathe, the blood that runs fiery in my veins, the beating of my heart and the thoughts that overrun my mind. You are the softest morning whisper and the refreshing rain that falls upon a dry land. You are the first blooming of a flower after the hardest winter storm. The first tender stem that breaks through a burned land. You my Eilin are precious and unique. You are not just my One. You are my only One. Past, present and future."
She was weeping softly and her fingers were caressing his head gently.
"I can kneel here and speak to you for days trying to convince you of the truthfulness of my words and the honesty of my feelings, but hard reality is I won't live another day without you." He spoke under his breath.
She felt her very soul breaking apart. "I won't either Thorin..."
"Who would have thought that the rarest gem of Middle Earth was not hiding in the vaults of Erebor, but in a human tavern? That I would have to face death twice before I got to hold it in my hands?"
She frowned and looked up to him. "Twice?"
He shook his head dismissing a question that didn't matter anymore. "Mahal deemed me worthy to hold this treasure in my hands once more. I cannot ask for anything more out of life. Allow me the honour to reclaim your heart. Allow me to slay everyone who has dishonoured your name to me and restore your rightful position next to me. Tell me that you wish for this and I shall unleash hell, the equals of which Middle Earth has not yet seen, right this moment!' He continued with an honesty that slowly broke through to her.
"I don't want you to do that, no." Her voice was hushed.
"What can I do then to convince you, tell me and you shall have it." His eyes looked desperately up at her.
"I want you to tell me that we've been lucky to cross each other's paths and not cursed, because that is what I feel right now Thorin," she looked at him with an honesty that loosened up his knees. He felt his heart failing.
"You feel like our meeting has been a curse?" he asked diminished.
She reached up and her soft fingers grazed his cheek. "My mind says so, but my heart is not following through."
"I never stopped loving you even when I falsely believed those filthy lies uttered about you. I will do everything to convince you from the start that I don't care about anything. I don't care about your parents, about your previous life, your profession, your race. I care only about what my heart says for you...and it screams your name day and night. Tormenting me for failing you. I failed you Eilin, you didn't fail me. I should have never believed all these lies about you, but I was a lesser man once again. I should have believed what my heart was saying and not what my mind was creating. I don't want to lose you..." he felt vanquished as his hands clutched onto hers desperately.
"I never worked as a prostitute." She spoke quietly.
"I know my heart," he whispered.
"I may have been defiled, but I believe I am still pure and clean. You are the only man whose touch I ever yearned for. As a young woman I always had the fire of intimacy inside of me burning hot. Sometimes it was almost unbearable, but I never sought to be pleased by anyone. I was afraid of anyone ever touching me, because the only touch I knew was one that offered pain. That was until you came along and changed all that for me." she continued with the same pained quietness that tore through Thorin's heart.
He leaned down and placed a warm kiss on the back of her hands.
"I may have grown in a poor environment full of degradation, but I was never a thief, a whore or a liar. I'd rather live poor than trick people in order to get what I want and maybe that was my downfall...yet still I wouldn't change a thing. I knew nothing about love and the true pain it can cause before I met you. The only love I had ever met before you was...the idea of you, from all those stories that Rhiannon was creating in order to get me to sleep. I dreamt of a white haired, wise dwarf that stood under the Mountain and overlooked all of Middle Earth and the creatures on it that suffered with benevolence. An enlightened elder that would somehow magically see my nightmare and try to save me." She smiled even though her face was swimming in tears.
He felt his lips curling up into a pained smile. "So far away from the truth."
"But was it?" she sighed deeply.
He frowned.
"Aren't you enlightened perhaps? Didn't you save me?" she spoke thoughtfully.
"Saved you or ruined you?" he squeezed his eyes tight feeling overpowered.
"Thorin do you believe that I never came to you because of your rivers of gold or your position?" she whispered.
"I do, heavens be my witness, I do." He muttered.
"I was scared of the King so much, but you told me to see the man behind the King and that is what I did. Had you been poor I would have loved you with the same fierceness. I admit that I loved the King when I was working in the tavern, but after meeting you the King just vanished. Maybe I didn't convince you of my loyalty enough, that is why you didn't believe me in the moment of darkness." she rejoined in dismay.
Thorin shook his head fiercely. "I was a fool that's why..."
"Hush..." -she urged him- "We had to find ourselves in a ruthless argument in order for me to learn in a moment of anger and agony that you were fighting with demons I wouldn't have never known otherwise. Demons that tore you and me equally apart. The child in me is yours Thorin, I will keep yelling that to the skies until I die. I don't know what happened to make you believe you are infertile, but you've created a miracle in me somehow. Please believe me...believe me for I don't think my heart will keep on beating if you don't. Please..." she looked up to him and her eyes were showing all the anguish she felt in her heart.
"I do believe you!" he frowned and cupped her cheek lovingly. "I do...I do!"
"Why did you never speak to me about the fiends of infertility that were tormenting your mind?" -she whispered and her eyes seared into his- "We could have avoided all this pain had I known."
"I didn't want to disappoint you, to be rejected by you. What woman would ever choose half a man? A man that cannot offer her a proper family?" his voice was barely heard as he revealed his greatest fear for the first time in his life.
She bit her lower lip and pulled her hands free. He tried to enfold them again fearing another rejection, but when her soft palms cupped his cheeks a strong shudder of relief washed over his body. He looked so broken and so exhausted that she instantly wanted to care for him, to make him smile again. To send all his fears away and at the same time soothe her own fears. She forgot the nightmare he had placed her in, the moment she understood how needful he was of her right now and how needful she was of him. "You are not half a man Thorin!"
He tried to pull his face away from her tight grip, but she kept him there so firmly that his hands came out and clutched her thighs impulsively.
"You've been living inside an impossible nightmare. Half a man? You? You think that being unable to conceive makes you half a man? You are holding the fate of Middle Earth in the hollow of your palm. Anyone can have children, even the lowest of scum, but who can achieve what you have during a lifetime? You've changed the course of history and ruled Kingdoms and armies. You've fought the greatest darkness and you raged wars that will go down in the books of history. Your legacy is so monumental it can capture the hearts of maidens that live at the other side of Middle Earth." -he humphed- "You my King, can change the fate of hoards of people with your decisions. Dwarves, Elves and Men. You gave your life for all of us. For all of the Dwarven race. You are a man of courage unmatched, not half a man!" This time her smile was strong and bright as she spoke with honesty and felt her heart slowly shedding the dark shroud that had been covering it all this time.
"Yet I let my fears and doubts almost destroy you..." his voice rustled through her palms and it was trembling.
"In the final stand you faced your fears, didn't you? You stood against them as courageously as I would have expected from you", she smiled proudly. "You renounced the throne. What other King has ever done that Thorin? Most rulers claim the throne with their lives while you gave it away...for the good of your people."
"Not only for them..." he looked towards her throat and felt his heart starting to race.
Her lips trembled as her fingers caressed his bearded jawline. "Did I come between you and the throne?"
"You unlocked the manacles that kept me chained on it. You've given me my freedom." He frowned and his fingers crushed around her thighs painfully.
"So I don't have the King anymore?" she smiled softly.
A shadow of doubt passed from his face. "What?" he felt his heart freezing in terror.
She huffed. "Am I not allowed a small tease to push away the darkness also? I don't care about the King, but could I possibly...If and I repeat If I decide to give you another chance..." -his eyes grew wide slowly- "could I possibly have the swordsmith back?"
He exhaled a trapped shaking breath. "If you still want him after all he has done to you."
"I think...I do," her smile widened.
He closed his eyes tight. "Will you remain with me even if I cannot offer you anymore children? Even if that child had been a miracle that will never be repeated?"
She smiled. "You are my One. I will stand proudly next to you with children or not, even if you are King Under the Mountain or not, if you are swimming in gold or don't have a single penny. I don't care about anything else, but for what is in your heart for me, and what is in my poor heart for you."
"Eilin..." he gasped.
She frowned. "What is it?" She felt his body quivering.
He spoke with great difficulty all those words that had been tearing him apart during his journey here. "I thought that wanting so much to be a father also qualified me to be one, but that is not true is it? The Maker knows best. Look what I did to you and to our baby. Mahal knew well when he didn't allow me to become a father for so many years. I am not worthy to father a child. I am not worthy...of you. I am not worthy of your forgiveness after what I have done to our child." His voice was vibrant with unspeakable agony.
"What do you mean Thorin?..." her voice had a faded colour of confusion in it.
He pulled back and their eyes got engaged so tensely that nothing would have been able to draw them apart. "How can you ever forgive me for causing this loss for us Eilin? I would have given my life this very moment if I could bring that child back for you."
She shook her head bewildered. His eyes were swimming in tears and were looking at her in desolation. "What loss do you mean Thorin?"
A wave of confusion passed from his face and his lips parted. "The death of our child...the bleeding..." he stammered.
After a few silent moments her lips pressed with the silent realisation of what this was all about. She reached down and clasped his trembling hand. It felt way too cold for comfort. She gazed at his pale face. "Stand up."
"Why?" he whispered.
She pulled him up with difficulty and looked at him with a sweet smile. "Come with me, my proud swordsmith. I have something to show you."
He resisted and pulled her back. "You don't look well enough to be out of bed." The worry was obvious in his voice.
She shook her head with a newly found energy. "I am better than you think. I've been sleeping, trying to keep the world away from me ever since we broke up. I've been buried under a bed for so long. I don't want to be in it anymore. Now come!" She led him to the small window that overlooked part of Bilbo's garden and stopped in front of a pot. She caressed the small buds.
"What's this?" he asked quietly with a deep frown.
"Barley...bloomed..." she raised her eyes up to him.
"I don't understand..." he winced.
She took his hand and brought it to her lower belly. "It bloomed yesterday afternoon. Bilbo doesn't know yet, but Loa always suspected since the blood I shed was clear. I am still pregnant with our child my heart. I didn't lose it."
"What?!" he exhaled and looked at her truly lost.
"The bleeding stopped the very next morning and it hasn't returned again. I used your sister's test and the barley bloomed. I am still pregnant my love." The brightness of her smile blinded him. "Our child is still in me! Can that give you some hope? It does to me...Maybe we can rebuild what we have destroyed slowly, right?"
"Eilin, I...I..." He stammered. He was trying to grab onto something that would hold him aloft.
She pulled his hands and placed them on her chest. "Our baby is as stubborn and strong as his father apparently..."
Thorin moaned and covered his mouth. An unexpected eruption of unspeakable bliss sent his heart racing to an impossible pace. Ripples of goosebumps rushed through his body and he felt warm and cold at the same time as he tried to believe Eilin's words. The only words that could have given him hope and happiness. The only ones that could have brought him truly back to life and fused all his broken pieces together. The realisation that he hadn't killed the most precious little gem of all Middle Earth. That he hadn't harmed his child during his tailspin down the shadows. He wanted to believe that Mahal this time had felt mercy for his torn soul and was gifting him with the most priceless honour anyone could ever have. To be a father. Eilin said that anybody could have children and that Thorin's legacy was so much more than that, but for him the ultimate gift was fatherhood. Everything else came a distant second and he wanted so much to believe that he was being offered this blessed opportunity even so late in life.
She frowned and reached up to cup his cheeks feeling his beard waking up every sensation in her palms. "Have you any idea how many times I planned for the perfect moment to reveal my pregnancy to you back in Erebor?"
He frowned and shook his head. His heart was already singing to her words. "Your big secret..."
"Yes damn it! I weaved ideas of how I was going to break the news to you...I dreamt of how happy and blissful you would look when you found out...but in the end I failed." Her demeanour took a plunge when she remembered that accursed day in his office.
He closed his eyes painfully. "We both failed."
"Do you think we can try one more time?" she caressed his forehead gently.
He nodded quickly as sobs rattled his strong chest. "Yes, please."
She smiled up to him and tears cascaded down her nose. "My love you are going to be a father", she whispered. His hands came around to grasp her forearms sturdily.
"Again!" he exhaled a shuddering breath.
"You are going to be a father...," she rejoined with an aching gaze of anticipation.
Her words ignited a fire in his eyes that he thought was extinguished forever when he learned about her bleeding. "Louder!" he snapped and jerked her hard.
She was unable to stop the giggle that bubbled up from her stomach and erupted from her mouth. "You are going to be a father my love!" she cried and tears streamed down her face.
He broke apart in her arms then. The groan of both trapped pain and unconfined happiness that erupted from his chest made her cry out with him. He fell to his knees and pulled her in, crushing his lips onto her belly "A father?" his ragged voice murmured.
Her fingers tunnelled through his mane and she closed her eyes tight. "Yes my beloved heart..." she reassured him.
When another wail of imprisoned agony tore through him she kneeled down and enclosed him into her bosom allowing him to discharge all the suffering from his aching heart. She held him for a long time, like she had done at the burial grounds, cooing gentle words of reassurance about their baby and about her love for him as he cried endlessly pleading for her precious forgiveness. A forgiveness that he already had in his hands along with all of her heart. The rivers of anguish in him poured out and filled up the room, but she sustained through this with a loving smile on her lips. She knew those were tears of healing, not of misery. They were tears of absolution that she adored and she cradled him as he purged himself from the torture he had been through. It was his hoarse voice that was whispering something unintelligible onto her bosom that made her pull back.
It felt as if he was taking the first deep breath of life after a century of darkness. "What did you say my heart?" she whispered.
He pulled back and she looked at the result of his cleansing. His eyes were bloodshot, but when his rich spoke her hair stood in attention. "You are my most precious treasure and this baby is my most precious little gem."
She felt her fingers that were entwined through his thick mane trembling slightly. "Can you kiss me?"
He pulled her onto his lips. "Dare I kiss your sacred lips again? Will you trust and honour me with them?" he whispered.
She felt waves of goosebumps running through her body. "Kiss me like it's the first time..." she cooed him and that is what he did. His lips enfolded hers tenderly, teasing their seam as his thumb drew gentle circles of soothing affection under her jawline. She melted under his soft grip and opened up her mouth allowing him entrance not only there, but also into her heart once more. As his kiss sent waves of warmth down her stomach, her heart clenched with timid happiness that the world could become whole again and that maybe it would remain like that for her family if they tried hard enough to heal. She caressed his beloved face and allowed her sensitive fingers to skim past the roughness of his beard, elating at how her body was unfolding under his touch.
"I think I missed you...a lot...I missed the real Thorin so much..." she muttered and he pulled back.
A dazzling smile appeared on his lips as he felt mesmerised by her beautiful eyes. Eyes whose green colour he had missed so much that he couldn't get enough of now that he was looking at it. His hand came up to skim past the softness of her cheek and his fingers got buried deep into her curly hair and caressed her head. He frowned and his mouth opened up to give her a wet kiss that woke up all the sleeping butterflies in her stomach. As he explored her mouth carefully she felt quivers of pleasure sailing all over her body. She exhaled hotly on his mouth feeling her skin tingling with delight, but when she felt the strong shudders on his shoulders she pulled back worried. "Thorin you are trembling. Are you alright?"
He smiled wearily at her. "I couldn't have been better now that I have you and our child in my arms."
She looked towards his half exposed chest and frowned. Her fingers pulled back his tunic and skimmed over a tattoo she had never seen on his skin before. "This is new..."
He opened up his eyes with difficulty. It seemed that her affectionate embraces and her doting acceptance had sucked all the fight out of him. It had allowed him to release all the locks that had been keeping him under pressure sky high. With all that darkness emptying from inside of him, there was plenty of room for blessed peace. A feeling he hadn't experienced in centuries and that overwhelmed him at that moment. It loosed up his knees and drew all the strength out of his heavy arms. Now that he had no fight awaiting him, but only her loving arms around him he felt ready to collapse and it was the first time ever that he knew this collapse of his would be welcomed and not judged. He wouldn't be judged for allowing himself to fall at her feet and close his eyes in order to show the world how fatigued he had been all these years. She would allow him to sleep off his exhaustion without requiring more out of the King. She had accepted him after all this torment. She knew his dark side and she had embraced it, directing him towards the light with her bright and all embracing heart. He had nothing more to fear now. "Yes, men gehyith."* He spoke with a hushed voice.
"It's a dove..." she frowned up to him.
He nodded and his fingers smoothed upon the back of her head tenderly.
"Is it for me?"
A ghostly smile confirmed her thought. "With pride I will wear it to the grave for you."
This time it was her body that quivered hard. "Thorin..." she whispered.
"Mahal be my witness...Eilin I would die for you." He spoke with fiery resolution.
She brought him to her and their lips touched. "I love you." She whispered and their lips pinched tenderly once before they opened up in order to demand each other with a passion she had never forgotten.
"I love you men kurdel"** he muttered.
They kissed each other until she felt the world fading away around her and only his lips on hers were there to remind her that this was not a dream, but blessed reality. It was only when she felt him fading away instead of becoming more assertive as she would have expected that she frowned and pulled back. He allowed his head to lean onto her shoulder and his hand rested upon her belly.
"Thorin are you alright?"
"I am touching our Little Gem. How can I not be alright?"
She smiled widely. Her fingers fondled his pointy ear tenderly pushing his thick hair out of the way. He exhaled and closed his eyes, but his hand on her belly never stopped drawing gentle circles.
She gave him a few moments to recover, but when he continued to rest on her shoulder so heavily she frowned in concern. "You really don't look very well."
"I am just tired...so tired... You won't judge me for that, will you?" he spoke with a hushed tone and his warm palm finally covered her lower stomach protectively.
"Why would I judge you for that?" She kissed his forehead and instinctively checked his temperature, without even realising that the mother in her had awoken for good.
"Will you hate me for wanting to rest in your arms for a while?" he whispered.
She cupped his cheek and pulled his head up. "I would feel honoured that you are placing your repose in my care, but look at me..." She commanded.
His azure eyes opened up and a doting smile came onto his pale lips. It was the first moment she noticed how worn out he looked.
"Tell me you are not wounded..." she felt trepidation on her skin.
"I am not wounded. Just exhausted. I haven't slept properly...in years", he frowned at the realisation of what he was admitting.
She exhaled a whole bout of worry and stood up. She tried to pull him, but failed. "Help me get you up or I will go out and ask Gandalf to help us both. I must not put any strain on my stomach..."
That sentence was enough to make him spring onto his feet, but they were clearly unstable. "Don't ever tease me with this, please..." his voice broke and she saw the surrender in his eyes.
"Forgive me, that was tasteless of me." She said and placed an arm under his shoulder blades. She led him to bed steadily until the back of his knees got caught at it's edge. She pushed him and he fell on it gracelessly. "Get in, I will help you out of your clothes..."
His hand grasped her and pulled her in with him. Then he enclosed her in his arms tightly. "I just want you to lay down with me for a moment. I will be fine if you give me a moment."
She felt his hot breath on the back of her neck and goosebumps exploded on her skin. "As many moments as you wish."
"Someone spoke to me about rest, but I remember it through a dream. I can't ...I can't remember, but I swore to never rest unless I have you in my arms, lest I die. Now I have both you and our Little Gem, maybe I can rest for a moment, no more than that I promise. Now that I have been offered this precious chance by you to right my wrongs I may be able to close my eyes...just for a single breath." The depth of those words resounded into her heart and she felt waves of relief running through his tired body. His hand came around her hips and his palm cupped her belly once more securing their child safely under his warm touch.
She wrapped her hands around the roughness of his forearm shields and winced by the need to feel his skin. As she unbuckled them she found herself becoming more and more desperate to take them off of him. When finally she was able to touch his warm skin she sighed in relief and began drawing loving paths with her fingers. She wished to comfort him and listen to his breath turn heavy. She wanted to feel him drifting off to the sleep he seemed to need so much, but her own body betrayed her. Her fingers stopped their gentle labour and crushed onto his skin needfully. He tensed behind her, but she didn't leave him any opportunities to question anything. She turned around and buried her body as close to his as it was physically possible. Her arms curled between her chest and his and her head leaned on his collarbone...then she held her breath. When his heavy arms came around and drew her in tightly she released that precious breath along with several silent tears of relief. She snuggled warmly against him and felt his strong heartbeat under her temple lulling her, as waves of solace rushed through her body again and again. Making her tears renew with each heartbeat and she clang onto him like a barnacle, never wanting to lose him again.
Her foot kicked away his coat that she felt trapped between them almost angrily. She didn't need his substitute anymore. She had his warmth embracing her in totality and her heart welled with so much happiness that she felt it bursting at the seams. She rubbed her face onto his neck and wished she'd be able to bury herself under his skin and hide there from the world forever, protected by him. She could see nothing but the dark fabric of his tunic and his skin. She could inhale his comforting scent with each deep breath and she felt the blazing heat emanating from his body almost suffocating her, yet nothing was able to tear her away from him.
A sob released through her silent weeping.
His arms pressed her ardently. "I am here...take it all out my love...on me...," he used the words she had used at the office with him and that liberated her need to keep herself in check and she emptied her pain on him exactly as he had asked, trying to mend every wound through those healing tears and above all with his loving embrace of life. He cradled her close to his heart as she clutched onto him desperately long after the sun had began setting again. Neither needed to get out of bed to seek food or water. All they needed was already there. Despite his heavy fatigue he remained awake whispering soft words of reassurance straight onto her ear and pampering her with myriads of kisses. Finally it was her breath that became heavy first when the sky outside became dark, but when he understood that she was sleeping quietly, he held her even closer. Only then and then alone with Eilin in his arms and their child safely between them was he able to allow sleep to overtake him also.
When everything faded away around him there was only a much needed restful darkness that life had been owing him for one hundred and fifty years.
A/N:
* my dove
** my heart
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