9.

Revelations In The Dark

I wasn't sure how long I cried in Edward's arms, but by the time I was finished, it was dark outside. I could feel the tears caked on my cheeks, and my eyelashes felt like they were glued together. Edward held me close, occasionally pressing his lips to my hair, and held three fingers against the skin of my back. I was grateful he'd remembered to maintain the contact so I wouldn't have to be subjected to the vision again.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked softly, his fingers gently kneading my skin. I blinked sleepily and shrugged, waiting for the embarrassment to set in. I had just, after all, been in the middle of a very nice kiss when I broke down, and I was sure I didn't look at all presentable. But after a few moments, I still felt nothing but mentally exhausted.

"Sorry about that," I murmured, sitting up and pulling away slightly. I reached my arms above my head and arched my back, listening to the popping in my spine as my muscles stretched deliciously.

"Can I get you anything?" I looked down at Edward and smiled softly. He was clearly exhausted, too. His eyes, usually so bright and full of life, were dim beneath his lids. Even so, they were still so, so beautiful.

"I'm okay. Can I get you anything?" I countered, and was rewarded with the sweetest smile. I fought back the urge to lean down and kiss it, but only because I couldn't imagine him wanting to kiss me when I was sure my face was covered in unmentionable grossness. He shook his head and, still smiling, burrowed it behind my back. He was essentially curled around me, and I felt my heart flutter in my chest. This boy had no idea what he was doing to me. I turned my body towards him slightly, shifting so his forehead was against my leg, and buried my fingers in his hair. "My dad used to do this to me when I was little," I murmured, twisting the strands gently between my fingers. His hair was so thick, but still so soft. He nuzzled his face on my leg, almost purring.

Within minutes, Edward was quietly snoring against me, his hand falling off my back. I shimmied backwards across the bed, hoping he didn't wake up as I pulled away and climbed over him. His mouth pulled down into a slight pout, but he otherwise didn't move. I leaned over and pressed my lips to his shirt clad shoulder, before I turned and fled from the room, desperately hoping I remembered where the bathroom was and didn't run into anyone on my way.

After I relieved myself, swished some mouthwash, and splashed some water on my face to clean up the nastiness, I stared into the mirror. I could hardly recognize myself. My usual dull, lifeless brown eyes were still boring, but there was a light in there that hadn't been before, which I blamed on the crying and the slight feeling of hopefulness in my chest that things would get better. The bags under them were horrendous, but I knew that after a good night's sleep, those would go away just fine. My lips were dry and swollen, I was assuming from the quantity and force of Edward's kisses, but they didn't look too bad. My normally pale cheeks were flushed, and my long brown hair was knotted around my head like a bird's nest. I debated for a moment before I decided Edward's family wouldn't mind if I snooped in their bathroom just long enough to find a brush. Luckily, I found one in the first drawer I looked, and I painfully yanked it through the gnarls on the back of my head until my hair was shiny and neat again.

After taking another moment to myself, I turned to leave. I paused at the door, pressing my ear against the hard wood to make sure I didn't hear anyone stirring. I didn't know the exact time of night it was, but I was sure it was late enough that everyone should have been asleep. When I didn't hear anything, I breathed a sigh of relief and quietly crept out of the bathroom. I didn't make it even halfway back to the room where Edward was waiting for me before a door across the hall was thrown quietly open. I stopped where I was, holding my breath as my heart started slamming against my rib cage, hoping whoever it was was too tired to notice me here in the dark, and would continue on to wherever they were going.

Having no such luck did not surprise me. "Hello?" I heard through the darkness, and I turned towards the voice. My eyes were adjusting slowly, so all I could see was a silhouette of a small person. Their head couldn't have come up past my nose and was covered in what looked to be like a bed head of spikes.

"Hi," I muttered. This wasn't how I wanted to meet anyone in Edward's family. For one, I really was hoping he'd be there to calm me and play referee for any questions I didn't want to answer. But he was asleep, and there was no buffer.

I was completely on my own. The irony was not lost on me.

"Are you hungry? I'm going to go make myself a sandwich." The voice was soft, but I could hear the tiredness in it. Not the tiredness that comes in the night, making everything seem droopy and serene. Instead it was the kind of exhaustion that comes with day after day of fighting with your own demons, of trying so hard to make it another twenty four hours, of struggling to convince yourself tomorrow will be better.

I knew it well.

I could also tell that this was the person's -who I assumed was Alice- way of giving me an out. She was offering her company, but allowing me to turn it down if I wanted to. I seriously considered it for a moment. Edward was waiting for me in the guest room. It would be the first night I ever shared a bed with someone in my whole life. I had no idea how it was going to work, as I'm sure his skin would touch mine unintentionally while we slept. Was I going to see the vision? Would it wake me up? I wouldn't know until I bit the bullet and went to bed. My mind made up, I cleared my throat.

"Starving," is what came out of my mouth, though it was not what I expected to say. I wasn't ready to meet anyone new, and I was in no condition to hold a conversation. I was about to retract my response when the silhouette turned without a word and walked further into the dark. I stayed where I was for a moment before taking a deep breath and following.

The giant window in the living room let enough moonlight in for me to see where I was going, so I made it into the kitchen unscathed. Alice had turned on the light above the kitchen sink, bathing the room in a soft yellow glow, allowing me to see her clearly for the first time. I knew upon first glance that I was correct in my assumption that it was Edward's little sister.

She was a tiny thing. I didn't know anything about her other than her name, but I didn't think she was that much younger than Edward. The subtle curviness of her body hinted at a young woman, but the innocence in her face and Hello Kitty pajama shirt told a different story. Her skin was paler than mine, but her hair darker. It was cut short around her head and stuck up in all directions like she'd been thrashing around on it. Her eyebrows were dainty, arching over eyes I couldn't see the color of, and her eyelashes were thick and lovely, the kind women pay big money for. She was so incredibly beautiful that I was caught off guard, though I wasn't sure why. Edward was also unnecessarily good looking. I wondered what their parents looked like to create such visually pleasing offspring.

I felt like an Oompa Loompa next to her, made worse by my ridiculously rumpled neon clothes.

"We have turkey, ham, and roast beef. There's also like seven different kinds of cheeses in here if you want some, and then there's mayonnaise and mustard. We only have wheat bread, though. Is that okay?" I startled out of my thoughts, realizing I'd been staring silently at Alice for who knew how long. I cleared my throat self consciously and tried to smile.

"I'd love a ham and cheddar sandwich, and wheat bread is fine. Can I help you?" My voice only broke a little bit, and I considered it a victory.

"Sure. Here, I'll hand you the stuff and you can put it on the counter." I approached her cautiously, wondering how I was going to get away with grabbing the food from her hands without touching her skin. I really didn't want to see how Edward's baby sister died, regardless of what the cause was. He would want to know, and I would have to tell him, and I didn't want that on my conscience. As I got closer, however, I realized I was worrying needlessly. Alice had the sleeves of her shirt pulled all the way over the tips of her fingers, so the cloth remained in between our skin as she handed the deli cuts off to me. I couldn't help but notice through the thin cotton of her shirt that she had something thick around her wrists, something that almost looked like white sweatbands. I was confused for a moment before I shrugged it off. It was none of my business.

Alice and I made quick work of making our sandwiches and cleaning up, all in total silence. It wasn't until I sat down across from her at the kitchen island that I realized she was staring at me. I met her eyes, intending to hold her gaze, but quickly looked away when I saw that same tiredness from her voice reflected back at me in eyes the same shape as her brother's, though more of a hazel than green.

"So," she started, and I quickly lifted my sandwich to my mouth. I needed something to distract me in case my brain tried to make me say something inappropriate or embarrassing. "You're Bella." My shoulders slumped in relief. This was an easy one.

"And you're Alice," I replied. I expected some kind of smile, but I didn't get one. I understood way too well to be offended.

"My brother told me a lot about you." I gulped.

"Oh yeah, what'd he tell you?" I knew better than to expect it to all be good. When you live a life like mine, a life of solitude where even your own mother can't stand to look at you, you don't expect good. You anticipate the worst, and have to prepare yourself for all kinds of judgment. I squared my shoulders and tried to brace myself.

"A lot. Now, my brother is very important to me. He's a good person, and takes more shit than he deserves because he sees good in people who may not have any." I could feel my face starting to get hot, but not from embarrassment. I was expecting judgment, just not this kind. Edward knew a whole bunch of shit about me that he could have told Alice to give her every right to judge me. But I was not a bad person, not ever. Sure, I pushed Edward away, and maybe hurt his feelings. But he knows that it's for his own good that I try. He knows what my life is like, the struggles I face every day. I could not see Edward giving his sister a reason to think I was not a good person.

I lifted my eyes to Alice's, ready to snap back at her, but stopped myself. I knew what the look in her eyes was. The exhaustion, the pain. Those were eyes that had seen too much, that had felt too much, that had been beaten down over and over again. Those were eyes that belonged to someone much older than I guessed Alice was, and I found myself trying to look at myself from her point of view.

I wasn't a bad person. But I wasn't as good of a person as Edward, either. The truth was, I had said some mean and hurtful things to Edward, even if I hadn't meant them. I'd pushed him away time and time again, and regardless of my reasons, he didn't deserve that. All he wanted from the beginning was a chance to get to know me, and I'd tried so hard to protect him from all that came with that. But I'd failed. He'd gotten to know me, and still he cared so much. Edward was the kind of person who deserved the world. He deserved to be loved and cherished for all that he was.

No, I wasn't a bad person. But I'd done some bad things, and Alice had every right to defend her brother from a total stranger.

"You're right," I finally said, meeting her eyes and holding them. "Edward is a good person. And he's seen something in me from the very beginning that I don't see myself. I don't deserve someone like your brother, I know that. I just want him to be happy, and if that meant me leaving right this minute, I would in a heartbeat. If you know how to make him happy, I'm all ears. He means so much to me already, and has been so incredibly amazing with how much he's helped me. I will never be able to repay him. All I can do is try to make him happy until he orders me away. Tell me how to make him happy, Alice. Please." By the end of my response, I'd dropped my eyes down to the table, feeling ashamed as I thought about all I'd put Edward through in such a short amount of time. And despite it all, here I was, in his kitchen eating his food, because he doesn't want me to suffer. My eyes welled with tears and my heart fluttered in my chest, and at that moment, all I wanted was to be beside him.

I came to the decision right then that I was going to do what I told Alice I would. I was going to do my dampest to make him happy until he no longer wanted me. Even if it caused me pain, I would not be the reason for Edward's ever again. He didn't need hurt in his life. He deserved so much better, and I was going to try to be better for him until he found someone else. However long it took, I was going to be a good person and stop pushing him away.

Alice and I sat in silence for a moment, and I started to get antsy. If she wasn't going to talk to me, I was going to bed. I looked at her from beneath my lashes, expecting more of the same straight faced Alice I'd been conversing with. What I saw instead had me snapping my head up and almost falling off my stool.

She was smiling at me. Not just smiling, beaming. Alice was looking at me like I'd just handed her all she ever wanted. I found myself beaming right back at her, unable to stop myself, because she looked just like Edward when she smiled. "What?" I asked, trying to control my expression. She didn't respond, continuing to look at me with a smile that had to be hurting her cheeks. "What?" I said more forcefully.

"I just can't believe it," she responded. I raised my eyebrow at her, confused. "You love him. And you don't even know it!" I choked, staring at her with my eyes wide and my jaw hanging open.

Love? It was much too early in my relationship with Edward to be throwing that word around. I didn't even know if we were in a relationship! People don't just fall in love in a few days, especially not people like me. I didn't even know what love was outside of the love I had for my father. And what I did know about it I learned from books and television, and all that taught me was that to love properly and fully, skin on skin contact was a must. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling. Sex. So much contact was something I'd accepted long ago would never be possible for me. I'd already spent more time touching Edward than I'd ever touched anyone else in my whole life, which was more than I ever thought I'd have.

And while I'd come to the decision during my discussion with Alice that I wasn't going to push Edward away or hurt him anymore, I still wasn't convinced that he wouldn't realize how much better he could do in the long run. There were so many girls he could fall for that were better than me, so many with less drama in their lives. Girls he could touch and kiss and hold without worrying about them flinching away. Girls he wouldn't have to worry about maintaining contact with so they didn't see him die repeatedly.

Thinking that way brought my mind back to the vision. In it, not only did I see Edward die, but I saw myself dead, as well. I immediately jumped to the conclusion that Edward was at fault, that he'd gotten us into that situation. I couldn't see any other possibility than Edward being the reason for my death. But what if it was me? What if I did something that put Edward at risk? What if I was the only one that was supposed to die, and Edward had been trying to save me? In the vision, he'd told the men with the guns that they'd taken the only thing he had to live for, which I'd assumed meant something material. But what if he meant something else all together?

What if he'd meant me?

That thought knocked the wind right out of my chest. Even the idea that I could have any blame in Edward dying was like a kick in the stomach. I couldn't imagine a world without someone like Edward, without someone who was so good and so kind. Edward made the world as a whole a better place to be in, and the thought of life without him in it was too painful to fathom. And this pain, this deep ache in my heart at thinking of Edward being gone forever brought us full circle.

Because despite the fact that it was only a few days that we'd known each other, and despite the fact that I didn't really know all the much about him, I knew enough. I knew that Edward was a beautiful person, inside and out. I knew that he was sweet and funny, and that he cared so, so deeply. I knew that he was selfless and modest and unassuming and unyielding. And I knew that I was a better person for having known him.

"Oh, fuck," I exclaimed softly as my heart beat out of control. It scared the shit out of me, but I knew Alice was right.

I loved him.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for reading!