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A/N:
-I want to give a shout out to our soon to be mommy, StephCalvino. May she sail smoothly through her pregnancy and may she deliver quickly and effortlessly, unlike Eilin! Congratulations my dear friend! May you all be healthy and may nature bless you with more children in the future!
-Same wish goes to all the possible mommies to be, or mommies who wish to be in the future.
The blessing
Thorin didn't close his eyes once through the whole night. Dis was unable to tear the baby girl from his arms even when he was dozing off. She lingered close to her brother in order to give him a nudge every now and again so he wouldn't fall asleep with the frail girl in his arms and cause it harm. The psychological fatigue on Thorin was pretty evident and it was taking a far heavier toll on him than any physical exertion had ever taken. This unbearable worry about his newborn daughter was enough to make his body shut down in order to protect itself and Dis knew that feeling. When Kili died, it was the only way her body could protect her mind from all that pain.
Witnessing Thorin, a man who could go days without sleep, battling to stay awake for a single night was all she needed to understand how heavily all this weigh on him. She wanted to reassure him that everything was going to be okay, but was that true? The infant's colour had improved vastly after Thorin wore her and she was not shivering anymore, but her breathing was still difficult. The poor baby didn't release her father's finger at all during the night and neither did Thorin attempt to pull it away. At one point Thorin asked Dis with a diminished voice to bring him over his son and Dis' heart skirted at how broken her brother looked. She picked up Farin carefully and placed him on Thorin's chest.
Only then was the King able to rest his head back to the armchair and close his eyes for a few moments. His arm enfolded his son close to his heart protectively. The baby boy wiggled nervously for a few moments, but as his ear was above his father's heart, he quickly settled down like his little sister. What made Dis' heart melt to a warm puddle of love was when Durin's small hand came out and grasped part of the sling that was holding his sister in place. She smiled and looked up at the tired eyes of her brother.
"They've been in the womb together for so long...look at them. They need each other's presence outside too." She whispered.
Thorin gazed down at them and felt his heart swelling with these unbearable emotions he had never experienced before in his life once again. Every time he looked at his children his heart spilled over with all those congested feelings that he was unable to control. His eyes burned and he closed them tightly. "I didn't know it felt like this..." He spoke in a hushed tone.
Dis frowned. "What do you mean?"
"To hold your own flesh and blood..." he whispered and opened his pained azure eyes to her.
Dis' heart squeezed hard and her eyes pooled with tears. "It's beautiful, isn't it?"
"Too beautiful and ..." -he hesitated and looked at his little girl- "too painful. It hurts so much..."
Dis looked at Rhianaye. "It hurts because you fear for her life." -She reached out and touched his knee- "My love, your baby girl is going to be okay. Your blood runs through this girl and this boy. Your stubbornness and your resilience have passed down to them and if you combine that with the strength of their brave mother, you have in your arms not one, but two warriors. This precious Little Gem will not go out without a fight!"
Thorin's bottom lip began trembling and Dis' heart broke. "Why should she be required to fight so soon after seeing life?"
She pressed her lips. "Life is unfair like that wolf, you know it well. I know how seeing your children for the first time can elevate you to unfathomable heights, and how easily your fear for their life can throw you to the deepest pits. How it can suck out every single thread of courage from your heart. You fathered all of us, me, Frerin and my children, but still you have never felt your own flesh and blood in your arms. You have never been required to pray for their lives. This all must feel overwhelming to you, especially since you never believed you could have your own children."
He swallowed heavily and gave her a weak nod. "This is the third time in my life that I feel so afraid."
Dis' frowned. "When was the first?"
"When I saw Fili getting stabbed in front of my eyes..." he whispered.
Dis' heart broke and she closed her eyes. "The second?"
"When I thought I lost Eilin forever..." he spoke with the same broken tone.
Dis felt all the blood draining from her face. "It's the father in you longing to protect his children. Having no control over their fare will feel devastating at times and so scary, but sometimes you will have no choice but to allow life to unfold for them and remain a simple spectator like I did with my boys. Your little girl had to fight from the moment she took her first breath and your inability to win this fight for her, will diminish you. It will make you feel insignificant and I can relate with that wolf. This is such a humbling experience, isn't it?"
"Immensely." He whispered and caressed the rosy cheek of his son who squirmed under his hand.
"These new raw emotions will change you to the very core" -Dis lips upturned- "and I am happy I will be here to see all the changes in you taking place."
The hairpin of Thorin's mouth cracked a ghostly smile that vanished almost instantly. "There is no other place you could have been gerbil."
Dis' face clouded. "When a parent loses their child...many dark thoughts overtake their minds...I don't know where I could have been Thorin. Maybe dead..."
Thorin looked up sharply at that, but he remained silent.
"I am here though am I not? Here to admire you supporting your wife through a very hard labour like a bloody trooper. You remained by her side instead of drowning your worries in bottles of mead. You are the first man from our family who attended the labour of his woman and I feel so damned proud of you. I am sure Eilin will feel the same way when she comes to." Dis smiled.
He pressed his lips. "If she doesn't enter this dark period everyone is talking about..."
Dis frowned. "What dark period?"
"Where she will hate my guts for some unknown reason." He flicked his shoulder with a sad smile.
Dis snorted slightly. "Who's been telling you such drivel? Your men?"
He nodded and caressed the tiny hand of his daughter and felt it too cold. He wrapped both of them inside his large palm and willed his heat to engulf and warm them up. He felt her small body shivering slightly before settling down again.
"Did you listen to them when they were trying to get your drunk and told you to stay outside?" Dis raised her brows.
He huffed. "Almost..."
Dis raised her brow. "You didn't. Therefore you shouldn't listen to their silly chattering now! Each woman is different and the dynamics of each family unique. The relationship between you and Eilin is distinctive to your personalities and to the strong bond between you. The experiences of your men with their women are respective to the dynamics of their families. You understand?" She told him calmly.
He nodded gently.
"Dark periods...what a load of bollocks. I never went through such a phase. I may have been slightly more emotional, but nothing extraordinary overtook me and I certainly didn't end up hating my husband. Eilin will adore you for staying next to her throughout her labour." -Dis momentarily hesitated and then looked at him solemnly- "By the way I need you to forgive me for kicking you out." Her lips turned down regretfully.
He raised his brow. "You have no idea how much you angered me."
Dis pressed her hand on his knee. "Understand me wolf, what you did is hardly the norm. Usually the men are outside getting drunk to oblivion while their woman is delivering. When they meet their children, they present them proudly to their friends and then buy drinks for the house and partake in a feast that lasts three days and nights. A time for debauchery, during which their wife is home taking care of the newborns..." -Dis humphed sarcastically- "Maybe that's why their wives went though a period of depression, right?"
Thorin raised his brow.
"My husband bought drinks for everyone, but stayed by my side after birth. I appreciated it deeply and never made his life hard after our children were born. You, my poor love...you did none of that. You were here from the first to the last moment of labour and you immediately took care of your babies without talking to any of your friends. I cannot see how Eilin can fall into any dark period by having such a loving and supportive husband at her side." Dis rejoined thoughtfully.
Thorin's lip twisted with uncertainty.
"Will you forgive me for kicking you out? I didn't know any better and I was wrong." Dis smiled.
Thorin's lips found a sad smile buried somewhere in his crowded feelings. "No harm done gerbil."
She exhaled and looked lovingly at the babies that slept so contently in their father's warm embrace. "Come to think of it you didn't buy drinks for anyone yet in order to celebrate the birth of your children, did you?" She tried a tease that fell empty.
"I will buy Erebor, Dale and Thranduil's Realm all the free drinks they wish, if my baby girl makes it through this." A shadow fell over his countenance when he looked down at Rhianaye.
Dis leaned back and sighed. "Your friends haven't left. They are keeping a silent vigil with you."
He looked up at that. "Do they know about my daughter?"
Dis' lips turned down. "I think they suspect something is wrong. You need to address them at some point."
"Not now...no." He shook his head firmly and averted his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to face them now. All he wanted was to remain with his family, lick the wounds of his wife and protect his children until he felt that they were all safe.
Dis crossed her arms. "Do you want me to take over the babies so you can sleep with our wife for a while?"
Another fierce negation from him. "No...I have them."
Dis observed him silently for several moments before allowing her eyes to close down with inevitable exhaustion.
Thorin managed to stay awake against the constant worry that threatened to shut him down, for a long while.
When Dis fell asleep upright in the armchair, Thorin stayed awake, barely moving in order not to bother the babies who were sleeping quietly. When Durin once more turned restless he took both for feeding and made sure not to wake up Eilin. Rhianaye didn't even wake up, but Thorin placed her on her mother anyway and tried to help her feed. His son once more drunk eagerly and made Thorin's chest fill with pride while he caressed Rhianaye's earlobe or tickled her foot so she could manage a couple of weak gulps before falling asleep again exhausted with her mouth half open. After feeding, he cleaned up both babies and placed Durin in his crib. Then he sat next to Eilin with Rhianaye against his skin and every single one of her rough breaths squeezed all the air out of his lungs. His large hand engulfed her tiny back and he counted internally with her, willing her to keep on breathing, hoping that he wouldn't feel her shivering hard again.
Close to the break of dawn his need to sleep became so dire that he was unable to keep his eyes open and he felt thankful that his sister woke up with a yawn and offered to wear Rhianaye for him. Rather reluctantly he handed Rhianaye over and observed as Dis wore her carefully. When his sister commanded him to get under the covers and sleep, he crossed his arms stubbornly and swore that he wasn't going to do so until Eilin woke up in order to take care of their babies. His intentions were clear and he spoke them from the heart, nevertheless his body betrayed him. When Eilin turned in her sleep and wrapped her arm around his stomach, that was enough to fill him with relief and his eyes closed down. He slid next to his wife, he pulled her in and rested his head on top of hers. Then sleep overtook him quickly.
He didn't know how long he remained under, but when he woke up the sun was shining brightly from the window straight on his face. He winced bothered and the moment he tried to move he felt a sharp pain coming from his ribs.
"Are you alright my heart?" Eilin leaned down to help him. Her voice sounded well rested and her face looked refreshed, but there was a darkness lingering on her features that he recognised immediately.
He sat up quickly and grabbed his back with a hiss of pain. "Is she alive!?" he cried.
Dis looked up from the fire and encountered her brother's eyes in a silent warning.
"Alive? Who wouldn't be alive?" Eilin tilted her head confused.
His lips parted and he looked quickly at his daughter who was safely tucked in the arms of her mother. He checked quickly at her tiny back and saw it undulating with her breaths. He cupped his forehead. "Nightmare...it was just a bloody nightmare." He muttered.
Eilin smiled. "You shouldn't be having nightmares this morning. You should have been floating in the clouds like I am!"
He forced himself to remove his hand from his eyes and reciprocate the smile to her as best he could. "I am beyond ecstatic my heart, but I need a moment to wake up. Just a moment."
Eilin sat next to him and began rocking Durin's cradle with her foot. "Take as long as you wish. You look absolutely spent. I've seen you go through countless sleepless nights and you still had the energy to go on, yet yesterday was enough to blow you out like a candle, wasn't it?"
His lips curled up.
Dis smiled. "Who can blame him?
Eilin beamed and caressed her daughter's head.
Thorin's lips lost all their mirth as he checked troubled at the beautiful face of his wife. "What are you doing out of bed anyway? Are you even okay to be up this soon after birth?"
Eilin grinned. "I feel very well actually which is surprising, isn't it?" She turned to Dis for confirmation.
Dis pressed her lips. "The Queen is looking spiffy. She had a long, restful sleep and she woke up fully refreshed."
Thorin's arm wrapped around Eilin's waist and he pulled her down to gift her jawline with a gentle kiss. "Aren't you in any pain?"
She shook her head and reciprocated the kiss on his bearded chin. "Just a little sore, but nothing I cannot handle."
He exhaled and leaned his forehead on her cheek. "Thank Mahal."
"I am sorry I yelled at you so much yesterday my love." Eilin whispered and reached out to stipple her fingers through his.
"Yell at me as much as it pleases you...I can take it on." He smiled, but that smile of his had a shadow of worry that he couldn't hide from her.
Eilin sighed and cleared some silver locks away from his troubled brow. "Thank you for being there next to me through all this. I will never forget it."
"Forgive me for not being there at the beginning, Eilin." He gave a stern look at his sister, who cringed regretfully.
Eilin chuckled. "The Princess told me what happened. She asked me forgiveness so many times that I truly feel embarrassed."
Thorin inhaled deeply, feeling comforted by her beloved scent. "How do you feel?"
"Blissful beyond words..." -she muttered and looked down at him- "You?"
"I don't think I own the proper vocabulary to explain my feelings to you right now. They are beyond anything I have ever felt before. In the two hundred years of my life I thought I had experienced every single array of emotions that existed, but I was wrong. What I feel now is unprecedented, borderline primitive."
Eilin pressed him firmly on her bosom and their daughter got gently trapped between their bodies. "I know exactly what you mean my love. I experienced the same emotions when I first felt them move inside my body."
Dis smiled. "A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant. A man becomes a father when he takes his children in his arms. What you are feeling both is parenthood, the most sacred feeling in the world. You are so blessed to have each other and these precious gifts in your arms. Rejoice..."
Eilin's eyes filled with tears and she kissed the top of his head affectionately. "My biggest blessing is having you by my side..." She whispered.
"As is mine my beloved...I shall never leave your side." His long fingers caressed her head firmly.
Eilin's face brightened with a smile full of love.
"Despite the fact that you might not want me to stay there at some moments." His lips curled down.
Eilin frowned. "Why would I do that?" She asked confused.
"Postpartum mood swings?" Thorin flicked his shoulders with a cringe of confusion.
"Your body has been overworking non stop for nine full moons Eilin and now all it's overload suddenly came crashing down. That might cause you some tears that you won't be able to explain, but if you have such a man next to you I think everything will solve itself rather easily. Now don't go influencing her to the opposite wolf!" Dis warned him.
He exhaled and his hand came around Eilin's who was protecting Rhianaye. "How's the little one?" he whispered.
Eilin's brows came together and a soft shudder run through her body, which he felt. "She can't breathe very well. Didn't Dis tell you?"
Dis gave him a guarded look.
His jawline tensed. "Our Little Gem is not only a princess of the crown, but also a mighty warrior. I am certain she is going to be fine soon." He forced a smile that didn't feel so honest, but nevertheless smoothed down the troubled lines on Eilin's forehead.
"You believe so?"
He frowned. "I am certain of it!"
His wife's eyes filled up with tears as she caressed her daughter's small head carefully. "She's so thin, so wrinkly...she cannot cry properly, haven't you heard her? She cannot even eat properly. She's unable to latch onto me and after a couple of gulps she is totally exhausted."
Dis frowned and came over. "Remember what I told you. Caress her earlobe or tickle her foot in order to gently wake her up and she will continue to feed."
Eilin nodded. "I did it, but she ate too little. Didn't you see her my Lady?"
Dis exhaled. "She ate more during the night when you were asleep."
Eilin turned to Thorin for confirmation. "Is that true?"
He nodded eagerly. "I brought her to you and she fed along with her brother."
Thorin's words gave Eilin some consolation. "She needs more milk. How will she ever be able to grow strong?"
Thorin caressed the soft curls on his wife's head. "Give her time. We'll take it slowly day by day. We will do it together and we will not give up, alright?"
Eilin looked at his eyes and for the first time he saw the shadows of dread dancing in them. "You won't leave me, will you?"
He frowned. "Leave you and go where?"
"To work...you have so many responsibilities I know, but I don't want you to leave while Rhianaye is struggling so much." She sounded broken.
He pulled her in and enfolded her protectively. "I am not going anywhere. I promise."
Dis felt her eyes pooling with tears and walked to the door, needing to allow the couple some precious private moments. "I will be in my room. Call me if you need me alright?"
Eilin looked above Thorin's shoulder sadly. "Thank you so much for everything."
Dis smiled brightly. "I haven't finished helping you yet."
Eilin smiled and snuggled in Thorin's arms. When Dis opened the door Dwalin and Balin were the first who crowded her with questions.
Thorin exhaled and his fingers slid through Eilin's mane caressing her softly as the door closed behind his sister.
"I fear for Rhianaye's life Thorin." Eilin's voice sounded defeated.
He heard the sound of his heart breaking loud in his ears. "She's my daughter Eilin! Never doubt that she will pull through this!"
Eilin relaxed if only fractionally in his arms and he felt it. "You should have seen how much Farin ate and how little his sister managed."
Thorin's eyes fell in the cradle where his son was sleeping, bereft of any troubles and his chest welled. He released Eilin and leaned down to pick him up. He placed him carefully on his shoulder and the little boy clutched his father's tunic and settled down to sleep again. His cheeks were rosy and the colour of his skin healthy and bright.
"How did my little girl manage to stay alive with him in the womb? He is so big, he must have taken up all her space." Eilin looked protectively towards her little girl.
Thorin gazed at his wife and then caressed the soft cheek of his son. "Maybe Rhianaye is still alive exactly because our boy was in there, protecting her and giving her strength. Ever think of that?"
Eilin leaned on Thorin's shoulder and gave her son a doting look. "Maybe he did help his sister." -She sighed and took a few thoughtful moments to speak again, but when she did her lips were curling up in a ghostly smile.- "Oh, but look at him Thorin. Isn't he handsome? He is going to be a ladies man when he grows up, won't he?"
Thorin's lips scrounged testily. "I don't know."
"He is the spitting image of you. Absolutely gorgeous. Every single dwarrowdam in Erebor will be after him, much like it happens with you." Eilin smirked and rubbed her forehead on his bearded jawline.
Thorin's lips cracked a shy smile. "I was hoping for a redheaded baby, to be quite honest. You know I absolutely adore your colours."
Eilin sighed and closed her eyes. "I am glad they both decided to take after their father."
Thorin caressed her cheek gently. "Maybe we can try again."
"What?" Eilin looked up to him.
"You know...another baby. We could try to aim for a ginger princess." He rejoined.
Eilin shook her head with a light hearted laugh. "You want another girl?"
Thorin raised both brows. "Well..." -He looked at Rhianaye adoringly- "Father, daughter, special bond...you know."
Eilin nibbled her bottom lip. "You are insufferable. I went through hell with this pregnancy. I don't even want to think about a new one!"
"Not now...maybe later though..." he pulled her in and swayed with her gently.
"You would like to try for more kids?" Eilin raised her brow.
He leaned down and kissed her lips. "I would like to give you as many children as I can."
Eilin's heart overflowed with her love for him and she reciprocated the tender kiss. When she pulled back she felt her eyes burning with tears again. "Let us go through this trial of Rhianaye's health and we shall see my love."
He felt his stomach dropping and he grasped her hand tightly. "Do you trust me?"
She nodded firmly. "With my life."
"Then I promise I won't let Rhianaye come to any harm. We will fight through this, trust me." He frowned at her with a determination he wasn't truly feeling.
It took Eilin's countenance several moments to unlock, but finally she leaned her head on his shoulder and gave him a soft nod. "I trust you, my love."
Thorin exhaled a whole bout of tension and looked at his son. "You'll help too, right Farin?" The little boy clutched Thorin's tunic hard and stretched on him before settling down again.
Eilin smiled at them. "Farin is such a beautiful name, but why did you give it to him temporarily? I'd like it to be his permanent one. It reminds me so much of your brother Frerin."
Thorin's lips twisted deliberately. "A name holds great power. I believe our son festers inside him great wisdom and strength, which could earn him another name, far more important. He must bear this temporary name until he earns the one I wish to bestow on him, for that name supports a great legacy."
Eilin frowned. "What name is that? You are both scaring and exciting me."
Thorin caressed the soft hair at her temple. "Durin."
Eilin looked up to him and her lips parted, but no words came out.
Thorin gifted her with a sweet smile. "Took you by surprise."
"That name...uhm...Thorin I don't want to be the one to tell you...uhm..." she hesitated.
He felt laughter bubbling in the pit of his stomach despite the circumstances. "Yes?" he drawled.
"Uhm...you see..." She bit her lower lip as she tried to find the proper words to explain.
He had to fight against the urge to laugh. "Yes?" He repeated.
"Not everybody can call their child Durin. That name is bestowed only in the reincarnations of our great forefather." She looked at his eyes carefully, trying to read his reactions.
"Really? Oh damn...I didn't know. There's that then..." He huffed and drew her in for another gentle kiss on her temple.
She pulled back and raised her brow. "Are you joking? You are Durin's heir...how can you not have known?"
His lips twisted in a sly smile.
Eilin exhaled roughly through her nose. "You are teasing me all this time, aren't you? You are letting me look like a fool. Of course you know!"
He tilted his head. "What would I do without your beloved awkwardness?"
Eilin smiled, but remained silent for several moments. When she spoke again her voice was deeply thoughtful. "So you understand that you cannot name our son Durin, right?"
"I haven't gifted our boy with that name yet, have I? I am patiently waiting for the right moment." He raised his brow.
"The right moment for what?" Eilin asked bewildered.
"For him to prove that he deserves it." Thorin rejoined solemnly.
Eilin swallowed heavily. "Do you truly suspect that he might be the reincarnation of Durin?"
It took Thorin several moment to offer her a soft nod. "Quite Possibly."
"Whence from?" Eilin's heart skipped a beat. Could Durin the Deathless be reincarnated from her loins? That was absolutely impossible. The mighty forefather of their kin wouldn't have ever chosen a mere tavern maiden as a mother. Okay...he would have easily chosen someone as legendary as Thorin for a father, but her part in this story didn't belong. No, this was most certainly a mistake.
"Let's just say I have been given several signs that make me a bit suspicious, but we shall have to wait and see my love, okay?" He said patiently.
Eilin shook her head. "Thorin you must be mistaken. Durin wouldn't have ever chosen me as a mother..."
Thorin was unable to hide his irritation. "I chose you as Durin's mother not him and I couldn't have been more proud."
Eilin looked at him intensely for a few moments before deciding. "No Thorin. This isn't possible. My bloodline is stained..."
"I know more about your bloodline that you do my dove, alright? It's not stained, believe me." Thorin rejoined steadily.
Her eyes thinned. "What do you mean?"
"I told you at the treasury that I have answers. You just have to ask the proper questions." He said quietly.
Eilin sighed and averted her eyes. She looked down at her daughter who was sleeping quietly. "I don't think I am ready to know just yet Thorin." Her voice lost all it's fervour.
He gave her a gentle nod. "I won't force the knowledge on you. Nevertheless it's unwise of you to speak with such degrading words about yourself. It truly irritates me beyond reason when you speak of yourself in this manner."
She exhaled softly. "Because you love me."
"Because I know your true worth." Thorin rejoined proudly.
Eilin's eyes burned hot. "I love you too."
He cleared some stray hair away from her neck and his lips gave her soft skin there a gentle kiss.
After a few quiet moments she whispered. "So Farin it is...for now."
"For now and I expect no more objections on that from you my beauty, alright?" He smiled from the croon of her neck.
She nodded delicately. "If Farin is his temporary outer name, what is his inner one?"
"How about Akhthizthi?" He frowned thoughtfully.
"What does it mean?" She murmured.
"A cause to endure..." He spoke with a hushed tone and Eilin felt her heart twitching.
"Him and his sister were both a cause for us to endure. Endure through all these hellish trials that life threw at us." She replied quietly.
He nodded and kissed her cheek. "Or might challenge us with in the future." He corrected her mildly.
"How about Rhianaye?" -Eilin looked protectively at her little girl- "What about her inner name?"
"Imhêd*." -His long fingers caressed the head of his son and his eyes got lost into the flames under the hearth- "...for that is what she is."
Eilin wiped a few tears that sprouted from her eyes. "A blessing I never want to lose Thorin. I don't want her to die..." She muttered feeling broken.
He enclosed her into his chest and shuffled her curls with his nose, longing to take a deep breath of her scent. "She will not, I promise."
They remained like that soothing each other for a long time and it was Eilin's soft voice that alerted Thorin once more. "You know what?"
"What?" his voice was barely heard.
"I just realised that you have never revealed to me your inner name." She said under her breath.
"Only my family knows, for it holds part of my soul with it, or so they say." He rejoined with a gentle smile.
"I'd like to hear it..." Her beautiful green eyes searched for his.
He cupped her jawline and pulled her in until his soft lips could engage with hers for a few precious moments. Then he pulled back and whispered. "A'zaghu**"
Her constricted smile blossomed into a dazzling grin. "They couldn't have chosen better!"
His thumb sailed passed her jawline and tilted her head up gently by the chin. "You must keep it a secret..."
"I will guard it with my life." She whispered.
He kissed her then softly and tenderly until the mewling of their son demanded their attention one more time. Then it was their turn to forget about their need to be with each other and they both showered their children with all the love and tenderness they held in their heart for them.
Even though Thorin knew he had to face his friends and the rest of Erebor finally, he opted to remain by the side of his wife for the next five days and nights. He talked only briefly with Balin and asked him to tell Dain to take over Erebor temporarily, while he attended to his family. Eilin, him and Dis all took turns wearing little Rhianaye skin to skin, but the one who stayed up next to her the most when Eilin was asleep, was Thorin. He made sure his wife was resting well enough and he always kept a hawk eye on his son while he wore his daughter. The fatigue of the first night retreated during the following days and allowed Thorin's famous endurance to resurface.
Rhianaye was managing to eat a little more with each passing day, but she still had a serious difficulty breathing and that worried Thorin to the point of physical and mental deterioration, but still he kept up a strong facade for his wife. Eilin's first thought when she woke up and the last when she fell to bed was the frail health of their precious little girl and his job was to keep feeding her promises about Rhianaye's quick recovery. Something he did with a clenched jaw as those were promises that he didn't have any real control over.
At the dawn of the sixth day it was Dis who finally decided to push Thorin out of his rooms. Eilin that morning was well rested and she had taken over the children uncomplainingly for the most part. Dis turned to her brother and insisted annoyed that he should take a bath, change clothes and talk with his comrades and his court who were worried sick. When he denied once again she threatened that she wouldn't allow him back in the royal chambers if he didn't pass through the hot springs today.
"Your daughter needs you clean! You are wearing her skin to skin all the bloody time! Have mercy on her poor little nose. The precious little princess hasn't made a fuss about how you smell, but I am sure inside she's ranting about her father's poor hygiene." Dis hurled to him.
Thorin knew she meant it lightheartedly, but Eilin took Dis' words rather heavily. "Let him be my Lady. What is more important? My husband's hygiene or the health of our poor girl. I don't care if he never washes again, I don't want him to leave us!" She snapped and then began weeping softly.
He rushed to her side and enfolded her in his arms firmly, forgetting all about taking a small break and a much needed bath. "Why are you crying now?"
Eilin's hands came under his armpits and pulled him on her almost in despair. "She's not getting any better Thorin...she's not..."
"She's eating more each day and her skin looks much healthier..." He tried to reassure her, but she spoke over him.
"Look at Farin and then look at her. She looks so weak, so thin, so dishevelled." Eilin's tears soaked his tunic.
He closed his eyes against the need to keep it all together for his family. "When I look at her I see only her blinding beauty which is waiting to blossom."
Eilin squeezed her eyes tight. "You are not listening to me! She's not getting any better!" She hollered.
His jawline flexed and he jerked her, trying to pull her out of the rabbit hole that she had fallen in. "She's not getting any worse either!"
She revealed her teeth and inhaled sharply. "That's not enough! It's not enough!" She thwarted his shoulder hard.
He gritted his teeth and enclosed his wife in his arms tightly. Not allowing her to draw away from him. It mattered not that she had hit him, he just needed to keep her close. "Calm down...please..." He begged her.
Eilin stopped resisting him and after a few tense moments her soft weeping turned into an uncontrollable bawl, that was followed by inconsistent drivels as she whimpered on his chest. He looked lost at his sister who gave him a careful nod. "I am going."
He gave her a sharp nod and turn to his wife. "Take it all out my love, I am here." His fingers wrapped on the back of her head and drew her on him firmly. His strong arms enfolded her shaking shoulders and Eilin found the much needed opportunity to empty all her fear about Rhianaye and all her fatigue from her labour onto him. Only then did he partly understand the psychological ups and downs his men had been talking about prior to the birth of his children. Eilin had indeed entered that highly emotional period, which was becoming more intense, because they also had to worry about Rhianaye's poor health.
Thorin held Eilin endlessly kissing and fondling her, until her sobs quietened to mere snivels and only then he felt safe enough to draw back in order to gaze at her bloodshot eyes, her stuffy nose and her red cheeks. He took her by the hand and brought her to the bathroom were he commenced to clean her up. He wiped her nose and spoke words of comfort in her ear about the majestic beauty that was hiding behind their daughter's wrinkled skin and thin hair. He described Rhianaye exactly as he had seen her in the mirror of Galadriel, not even knowing if that was the future of his baby girl, or if death awaited her soon. He had to hold on for his wife, because she was being torn apart in front of his very eyes. He helped Eilin change her clothes and then he wore Rhianaye so his wife could rest. He sat next to her and cradled her patiently through all her ups and downs for a long time. Eilin's puffed up lips cracked the first ghostly smiles when Thorin spoke about how Rhianaye's mesmerising beauty was going to make him slaughter all her suitors before they even attempted to set their foot near his office to ask his permission to woo her.
That evening he built up stoically for Eilin, the most beautiful image he could about Rhianaye. He kept her company as she fed the babies, caressing his daughter's earlobe when he saw her stopping from exhaustion and with the other hand tracing the soft hair on Eilin's nape. Only when he saw Eilin falling asleep totally worn out by the emotional torrent of that day did he remove his children from the bosom of their mother. Then feeling overwhelmed to the point of madness, he sought out his sister and asked her if she would be able to take care of his family for a while. Dis agreed wholeheartedly, but when she asked him what was going on, he dismissed her worry quickly.
"I must respect my poor daughter like you said. I need to take a bath..." He forced a smile on his lips even though his heart didn't feel it.
Dis reciprocated the smile, but hers was honest. "Go wolf. Take a break and don't forget to speak with your men. They worry a lot."
He nodded, but before closing the door he gave another loving look towards his wife and children, but his eyes lingered at the small body of Rhianaye a moment too long.
Since it was rather late at night he found no one out in the corridors and he did what his sister ordered him to do half heartedly. He took a trip through the hot springs and changed the clothes she had ready for him down there. Not wanting to admit that taking a rather long and warm bath had helped to partially brighten up his darkened soul, he walked quietly through the long corridors and bridges until he opened the door to his office. It was empty, but the fire in it held strong. Dain, or his nephew most probably had cleaned it up and organised his scrolls and books. Thorin sat on his chair and debated hard if he should return to his rooms to assist his wife, but a small voice admitted that he needed a few moments to himself. He couldn't stay in his bedroom anymore, trying to count his daughter's weak breaths until there were no more. He couldn't stay next to Eilin trying to convince her of things he was not sure were true. He didn't want to paint anymore images of Rhianaye that may never become a reality, just to settle down his wife's fears. He wished for a few moments to be alone with his thoughts.
He remained unmovable and silent counting this time his breaths nor Rhianaye's. His eyes became thoughtful as his heart admitted with a diminished voice that he didn't have to act strong for anyone in the confinements of his office. Here he was free to empty all the trepidation that was pulling the threads of his heart apart day after day and night after accursed night. He remained there frowning behind his large hand, half believing that he had no emotions to empty and that all this was a game of his mind, but that thought didn't last long. A sharp cough, that was masking behind it a guttural sob echoed into the office. The sound of his own voice coming to his ears so broken fed his already crowded emotions another drop, which was enough to make them spill out of him like an unstoppable torrent. The more he cried and his palm got drenched in tears, the louder he heard the despair of his voice and the more he heard it, the more he cried. He got trapped into an endless circle of pain that didn't seem willing to stop soon.
Thorin had no choice but to allow himself to empty. He released his steel grip on all those emotions he had kept bottled up as his fragile little girl was struggling to breathe. He didn't know how long he cried alone in his office, thankful that his wife was not there to see his total breakdown, but when his tears finally dried out he felt exhausted beyond belief. He leaned his head on his crossed forearms upon the desk wanting to calm down his erratic breathing, but without even understanding how he got pulled under by a mercifully heavy sleep.
It was long after the break of dawn that his door opened slowly and Balin's head made its appearance. He walked inside carefully and approached the sleeping King. He observed him lovingly for a few moments before his hand landed on Thorin's bicep.
"Laddie?"
Thorin jerked up and inhaled sharply. "What!?" he grumbled feeling confused and out of shorts.
"Why are you sleeping here and not in your rooms?" Balin smiled down at him.
Thorin grabbed his head that was pounding. "Is she alright?"
Balin frowned. "Who?"
Thorin exhaled hard and leaned his head back, feeling his eyes burning once more. Even one thought of his daughter was able to send his mind unravelling. He pressed the heels of his palms upon his eyes, but remained silent.
"You haven't talked to us since the birth of your children. You didn't buy us drinks, you didn't come out to celebrate the birth of the heir to the throne of the North. You did nothing and I cannot help, but wonder why..." Balin said quietly.
Thorin wiped the tears that escaped his eyes and pushed his chair back so hard that it toppled over. He rounded his desk and went to stand in front of the hearth. "I am sorry Balin. I had to stay with Eilin and the babies. They needed me."
Balin nodded. "Of course they did. You are the father of this family, but why didn't you reach out to me or to Dwalin? We've been expecting some words from you impatiently."
"I am sorry...I ...don't know..." He was truly at a loss for words.
Balin walked quietly and stood by his side. "For someone who is going to father the final reincarnation of Durin the Deathless you seem rather distraught."
Thorin swallowed heavily.
"Your eyes are red. Have you been crying laddie?" Balin touched his shoulder gently and Thorin felt like he was going to break into a dozen pieces.
"If I say no will you believe me?" He muttered.
Balin shook his head. "I won't. Tell me please why you look ready to break down..." Balin frowned.
It took Thorin several tense moments to be able to speak. "My girl...my little baby girl...my little Gem..." He whispered and felt all the emotions he thought he emptied at night climbing up his throat with violent disorder.
Balin's hand gripped him tightly. "We suspected that something was wrong with the wee one. What is it my boy?"
Thorin's defeated gaze turned to his friend. "She cannot breathe well. I am afraid Balin..." His voice broke and his tears cascaded down his cheeks and got trapped in his beard.
Balin pulled him into a tight embrace that Thorin was reluctant to reciprocate. "You should have told us earlier. We could have been here for you. You don't have to go through all this alone."
Thorin grabbed Balin's biceps tightly. "I don't want Eilin to understand how bad this is for me."
Balin nodded. "You are doing well for her, but what about you? Don't you need support during this trial too?"
Thorin didn't speak. He drew back and looked at the fire.
Balin gave Thorin the most devoted look. "We are here for you son. Have courage, I beg you."
Thorin leaned his elbows on the mantelpiece and pressed his fists on his temples. "I am trying to convince myself and my wife that Rhianaye is a fighter, but how much of that is true and how much is it wistful thinking?"
Balin pressed his lips tightly. "This girl was born from your mighty blood. She shares the same blood as Durin, do you perchance think that she's going to give up that easily?"
Thorin exhaled hard, but didn't speak.
Balin looked at the fire. "When Dwalin was born, he had a difficulty feeding."
Thorin looked up sharply. "He did?"
Balin crossed his arms and nodded. "The huge intimidating dwarf you see now, was born way too thin, way too short and he ate almost nothing because he was too weak. Mom always feared for his health, but my dad was sure that Dwalin was going to get over this in the end."
Thorin's lips curled up in a faded smile. "Bastard never told me."
Balin flicked his shoulder. "He doesn't want to ruin his menacing image. You see Dwalin was born a little earlier than expected, much like your twins."
Thorin nodded.
"He was getting tired easily as he was feeding and he always fell asleep without managing a good job out of mom's milk." Balin continued.
"Rhianaye is doing the same." Thorin rejoined eager to know more, as a small ray of hope glimmered in the distance for him. If Dwalin was able to overcome this difficulty, then maybe his daughter had a chance also.
Balin inclined his head. "Twins are usually born earlier, so they are bound to be smaller in size and weaker."
Thorin frowned. "Durin isn't. You must see him. That boy is brimming with health and strength. His cry can be heard all over the corridor!" The father said with a proud smile ghosting his pale lips.
Balin laughed. "We've heard him and admired him several times already. He is waking everyone up when he's hungry!"
Thorin's brow slowly clouded. "Then why isn't Rhianaye the same as him?"
Balin pressed his lips. "Apparently your son overtook mom's belly and didn't leave much for his little sister."
Thorin's brows creased. "That was not very nice of him."
The corners of Balin's mouth curled up. "Oh, I see the dynamics of your family forming already."
"What?" Thorin frowned.
"You might be swelling with pride about your son, but you'll go hard on him, won't you? On the other hand little Rhianaye will be daddy's little girl, right?" Balin chuckled.
"If she survives..." Thorin muttered, not really drawn in by Balin's lighthearted comments.
"She will!" Balin pressed his forearm encouragingly. "And you'll end up being like your honourable father, favouring your daughter. Mark my words!"
Thorin's lips curled up in a sad smile. "You think so?"
"Remember how Thrain was always scolding you to take care of your little sister and you complained to us about it?" Balin crossed his arms with a reminiscent smile.
Thorin closed his eyes. "I do."
"You will be just like Thrain, but I must warn you. Don't thrash your boy too hard. Try a more gentle approach towards that ancient and wise spirit." Balin's voice held a tone of warning.
"I will..." Thorin muttered and then frowned down at the fire.
"As for your little girl..."
Thorin closed his eyes and felt his heart skirting.
"I am sure she is going to grow up to become a stunning young lady." Balin continued.
Thorin smiled bitterly.
"I can already see you challenging all her suitors. Now that I come to think of it Rhianaye will be the most unfortunate princess Erebor had ever seen." Balin scrounged his lips.
"Why is that?" Thorin sounded both confused and irritated.
"Who in their right minds would ever challenge the King of the North? Even if it is for the most irresistibly bewitching princess of Middle Earth?" Balin grinned up to him.
Thorin felt as if a warm balm was placed over his bleeding heart and he exhaled. "Thank you for trying Balin...it means a lot."
His friend touched his shoulder and pulled out a pipe from his vest. "Want to share? It's Old Toby."
Thorin huffed and rubbed his forehead. "Go down to the kitchens and open up all the barrels."
Balin lit up his pipe and raised his brow. "Are you buying us drinks for the birth of your two beautiful children?"
Thorin took the pipe and inhaled the smoke deeply, wishing for it to erase permanently his mind's dark dark residues that had been muted by Balin's soothing conversation. "Drinks are free for everyone in Erebor..." he said.
Balin smiled brightly. "There you go laddie! That's the man that Rhianaye and Durin will be proud to have as a father!"
Thorin smiled sadly and after a few moments of recollection he gave Balin back the pipe. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart."
Balin's lips turned down. "You know I would do anything for you laddie. I would even give you my life."
"We have gone a long way you and me, haven't we?" Thorin whispered.
"We have son." Balin agreed gently.
"When I left the Blue Mountains I had only one thought captivating every single morsel of my mind, my heart and my soul." Thorin's voice drew darker.
Balin frowned and closed his eyes. "The Arkenstone."
Thorin's head gave a gentle nod. "To take back the great wealth of our kin and restore it to its rightful owners."
"You did all of that and even more!" Balin gazed at him steadily.
"Now all this means nothing to me..." Thorin whispered.
"What?" Balin whispered taken aback.
"Holding the fate of the seven Kingdoms and the greatest treasure of Middle Earth in my hand means nothing to me, when I have to count the breaths of my daughter. I'd give it all away in a heartbeat if I knew that Rhianaye would live..." Thorin pulled back and his eyes burned through Balin, finally breaking him apart.
Balin's face filled up with tears. "I know laddie...I know..."
Thorin closed his eyes and leaned his pale face at his scarred palm. "No hell I have seen in these two centuries compares to the fear I feel for my children's health now. I would trade everything I have ever lived and fought for...just to know that Rhianaye is going to be alright..." He said quietly.
What answer could Balin give to this profoundly heartfelt declaration of a desperate father?
Only respectful silence.
A/N:
-All the suggestions for the inner names are StephCalvino's minus Thorin's inner name.
* Blessing
** Warrior
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