A/N: Happy New Year Everyone! Sorry for the delay. I was really sick over the holidays and didn't get around to finish this chapter as quickly as I planned. Hopefully this longer chapter will make up for my absence. I had A LOT of fun writing this one, so I hope you guys enjoy it as well. As always, reviews and critiques are welcome! And thanks to all of you who reviewed and/or added this story on your alert. 30 reviews?...I'm still in shock!
1/9/2015 - Grammatical revisions; content has not changed.
Chapter 5
"Bros, I'm totally fine, honest," I protest half-heartedly as Leo and Raph lead me into the kitchen. I sigh as my words land on deaf ears. Leo fumbles through the refrigerator while Raph pushes me down in the nearest chair at the kitchen table before sitting beside me, "Okay, so I'll sit," I mumble at Raph's manhandling. He scowls at me, crossing his arms over his plastron.
"Could ya move any slower, Fearless? Geez," Raph snaps at Leo while still keeping an eye on me. Leo doesn't say anything back, but gives Raph a look that clearly says 'cool it'.
I tug at my wrist wrappings. A testy Raph is a worried Raph, but his watchful stare is making me squirm. I just feel a little tired, that's all. Nothing to freak out about.
"Here you go, Mike, eat up," Leo says quietly as he slides a plate of pizza in front of me. He sits to my right sporting a tight-lipped smile—the kind of smile he gives when he wants to hide how he really feels, but I can see right through it. He's just as worried about me as Mr. Frowny-Pants over here.
I look at my older brothers before looking down at the two slices of pepperoni pizza in front of me. I could totally get use to this kind of service! I look up again only to find Leo and Raph still staring at me. As much as I love the attention, it wasn't worth seeing the tense and worried looks on their faces. I really don't understand why their buggin' like this. It's not like this is the first time Master Splinter's lectured me about my short attention span.
'Michelangelo! You must focus. Michelangelo! Pay attention. Michelangelo! Do not sleep, meditate! '
It's the story of my life.
Funny thing is, Master Splinter said I wasn't asleep in meditation. Maybe I wasn't asleep this time, but it still felt like I was dreaming. I felt really stretchy like Plastic Man. I was reaching for these moving colors. The colors were fuzzy, but I knew if I could just stretch a little further I could touch them. Then, all of a sudden, this force pulls me down like a nail to a magnet, and then I woke up feeling kind of 'bleh' with Master Splinter and my bros staring at me. It was the strangest feeling ever. Even stranger than the time I got my t-cell stuck in my shell.
"Would ya eat the freakin' pizza already?" Raph leans forward and impatiently slams his hand on the table.
His sudden outburst jerks me out of my thoughts. I quickly pick up a slice of pizza and make haste taking a huge bite hoping to appease my irritable brother. I take two more large bites and move on to the next slice. Guess I'm hungrier than I thought.
"Raph," Leo lectures, "there's no need for the attitude."
"Whatever," Raph replies with a snort, "Just don't wanna be stuck here babysitting the runt for the next hour." He leans backward balancing on the back legs of his chair. Leo rolls his eyes. I feign a small pout.
I polish off the second slice of pizza and proceed to suck extra tomato sauce from my fingers. Pizza is officially the cure-all for the 'Bleh.' That's the name I'm giving this weird feeling.
"So, what exactly happened back there, Mikey?" Leo asks, his voice takes on a more serious tone.
I look down at my empty plate. I'm not good at explaining this kind of stuff to my brothers. They always look at me weird, like when I tried to tell them about the mutant I fought named 'PizzaFace', they didn't remember, 'cause they were turned into pizza zombies. I totally saved the day! Pretty awesome, right? Tried to tell my bros, but they said it was just a bad dream, even after I begged them to believe me. They never take me seriously.
"Yo! Earth to bonehead, ya still with us?" Raph snaps his fingers in front of my face pulling me from my thoughts once again.
Right, so I'll just tell them I was floating through empty space and seeing trippy colors, because that will totally not make me look like a goofball and a nutcase. Yeah, definitely keeping that one to myself.
So, I flash a casual lopsided smile and shrug, "I don't know, guys, guess I was daydreaming during meditation and just kind of zonked out." I force my smile a little more for a good show.
"Figures. Freakin' space cadet…" Raph grumbles more to himself then to us as he continues to rock on the back legs of his chair.
Leo doesn't take the bait so quickly. He looks me over and juts out his bottom lip as if he's inspecting the truthfulness of my words.
I relax my brows into a more apologetic expression.
Leo breathes out a sigh, "Mikey, you should at least try to pay attention during meditation."
Ha! And the award for most illusive little brother goes to…
"Sure, Leo, I'll work on it," I assure him, this time with a more genuine smile.
"No Mikey. No more 'working on it."
I shrink in my chair and pick at my wrist wrappings. He's using that tone again. This isn't going the way I planned. I feel a lecture coming on….
"You always say you're working on it, but I don't see any improvements to show for it. If you spent half as much time practicing meditation techniques as you do playing video games, then we wouldn't be sitting here making sure you don't pass out."
"I'm fine, Leo, really." I say quietly not able to look my oldest brother in the eyes. He's frustrated with me, I get it. I screwed up as usual. Getting reprimanded by Leo can be just as bad—if not worse—as getting lectured from Master Splinter.
Leo's like all kinds of awesome! He's brave, always has a plan, determined, and a kick-butt ninja….pretty much everything a superhero should be. I can imagine him standing on the tallest rooftop, mask tails swishing behind him in the wind. A ninja warrior of light in a city of villainess darkness, slashing out crime with his katanas of truth and justice….wow, that sounds wicked cool, I should make that into a comic!
In practice, I try really hard to copy Leo's sense of discipline, but I just don't have that kind of…
"…Focus is the key...If you would just take the time to….Michelangelo! Are you even listening?!"
Oops. "Er…yeah, focus is key, got it!" I quickly cover my absent-mindedness and give a sheepish thumbs-up. Leo breathes out another tired sigh.
"Really, Fearless? You gonna lecture the goofball on 'focusin' and he took you out with a single move?" Raph chimes in making air quotes and smiles haughtily at Leo.
I show off my own victorious smile. A tint of embarrassment floods Leo's cheeks at Raph's little jab. Yeah, who knew talking about condoms would have Leo in such a tizzy. Curiosity calls to me and perks my mood. My attention span holds true to its nature, as I flip to a more interesting subject, "So what's a condom?" I lean my crossed arms over the table, not wanting to miss a single word.
Leo ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck. He groans. He didn't think I would let it slide that easily, did he? Besides, Master Splinter says they have to tell me and when Sensei gives a command, it's a done deal.
"Well, um, you see…"
My eyes are eagerly locked on my eldest brother, ready to hear this well-kept secret.
Taking a deep breath, Leo closes his eyes before beginning again, "You remember when Donnie's voice started changing a few years ago—"
"Ya mean when Don sounded like Darth Vader on helium?..." Raph quipped with a chuckle, "Ah, good times."
"Anyway," Leo continues, "You remember when Master Splinter took us all into the dojo and had 'the talk' with us?"
I nod slowly. That was the most awkward lesson in history of awkward lessons.
"So, you understand we have different….parts that are….different from girls? You know how our bodies and female bodies work….right?" I try to follow Leo's weird hand gestures but only find myself confused and dizzy. Leo's face grimaces into so many different shades of discomfort, it's almost painful to watch.
Now it was my turn to be exasperated, "Yes, Leo. I know our junk is different from girls' junk….probably different from human guy's junk, too…." I prop my chin under my fist; that mental image intrigues me for a moment as I give it serious thought.
"Junk?" Leo says raising his brow with a rather disgusted look on his face.
"Penises and vaginas, you dork."
"RAPH!"
"What?"
"I know what he means!"
Raph shrugs, "Just thought you needed some clarification."
Leo glares at Raph for a solid minute before turning his attention back to me.
"Okay, okay, that's good that you know….that," Leo tries unsuccessfully to casually smile at me, but it looks more like a nervous tick is attacking his face, "Okay. Right. So, condoms?..."
"Condoms," I confirm with an eager nod, hoping he will take it as a hint to continue.
"Okay. Right…" Leo repeats before rubbing the back of his neck again.
I think I broke Leo, and that usually doesn't happen until after lunch.
"Jeez, for cryin' out loud, I'll tell him!" Raph volunteers clattering his chair back on all four legs again.
This seems to loosen Leo from his broken record mode as he looks at Raph stunned by the mere suggestion.
"Oh, no you're not! You've done enough!"
"Well its better than sittin' here listenin' to you trip over your words, like a freakin' prude."
"Guys?..."
"Please, like you know the first thing about condoms!"
"Guys…"
"Ha! You wish you knew as much as I do about condoms!"
"GUYS!" I shout at my arguing brothers. Now that I have their undivided attention, I continue in my normal laid-back voice, "It's awesome that you guys know such much about condoms, really it is, but I still don't know jack! So could somebody just tell me-"
"What's going on?" I ask Sensei as I kneel under the dojo's tree, scratching that insufferable itch for the umpteenth time. "For the record, I had nothing to do with the whole condom fiasco, Master Splinter. I didn't even-"
"I know you were unaware of your brothers'….condom fiasco, as you call it. However, it is not what I wish to speak with you about."
"If it's about the security system, Leo already told me the wiring in the west tunnels need—"
"Donatello," I shut my mouth at his tone; it is not harsh, but still peaceably demands my silence. "This does not concern the security systems. Still your mind, my son….please."
He paces slowly in front of me, stroking his bread after every third step. His whiskers twitch on the offbeat of his tail as it swipes back and forth across the floor behind him. His brows furrow slightly. These subconscious actions easily tell me something is bothering him. I'm just not sure if it's frustration from our practice, or something I personally have or have not done. Let's see, I haven't disassembled or blown up anything lately. Although, I can think of a few things that need fixing around the Lair. Yes, there's the toaster, the leak in the bathroom—
"Donatello," The warm touch on my shoulder tugs me from my thoughts. I look up to see Master Splinter sitting in front of me. I didn't even notice him sit down, "Still your mind. I simply wish to talk with you."
"Okay…." He chuckles at my skeptical tone, but says nothing else as we sit in silence for a few more minutes. I absently scratch the itch on my arm.
"Let me see." Without waiting for a response, he gently takes my itching arm into his hands. Rotating it slowly he frowns at the angry red skin. The outer edges of the redness are decorated with peeling flakes of olive green skin. I grimace in disgust. I didn't realize I scratched so hard.
Master Splinter pinches off a leaf from an aloe vera plant growing in a small patch near the root of the tree. He told me once he only grew herbs that were supplemental to the body and mind. With a single claw, he splits the leaf lengthwise and smoothly scopes out the gelly substance with his finger.
"When you and brothers were twelve, you were the first to have a growth spurt and your skin shed in a similar manner," He gently brushes away the shed skin from my arm, " I wondered if your brothers would catch up to your height. It seem to trouble Leonardo immensely," he says fondly with a slight smile as he rubs the aloe vera gel on my irritated skin. It's cool and soothing. The itching stops almost immediately.
"Great, just what I need. To be freakishly taller than I am right now." I grumble more to myself than to him.
"You are neither the first nor last young man to experience the awkwardness of growing up," he says in a way that makes me slightly less miserable about the thought of another growth spurt.
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" I ask, my curiosity getting the best of me.
"My son, I have watched you master many things over the years. The brilliance behind the things you invent is truly phenomenal."
"Nothing phenomenal about it," I look down at my knees. I'm not sure where he's going with this conversation. I pensively nibble on my lip. Complements from Sensei do not come easily, so I'm not sure how to respond, "Just…just a lot of studying and tinkering I suppose."
"I suppose so." He absently hums his response, "There is one thing I notice you still struggle greatly with mastering." I quickly look up blinking in disbelief. That doesn't sound right. He smiles at my lack of verbal response, "Do not look so surprised. Even the wisest man in the world still has much to learn."
"Sorry, Sensei. It's just that everything I learn, I work hard to perfect, so it's highly unlikely that there are errors in my completed projects."
Master Splinter quirks an amused brow at my comment.
Okay, so maybe that last part was a bit….much. My brothers constantly remind me of how arrogant I come across to others, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing it again. I really do take great care in every formula, machine, or repair I work on, to ensure it all performs to perfection. I have data logs to prove it! Honestly, how is that being arrogant?
"It is not your science and engineering work that I speak of. Your struggles are in your ninjutsu training. You have shown little improvement in some of the more basic techniques."
My mouth is slightly agape as I stare at my father. I try to cover my embarrassment and regain my composure. Is he confirming the very thoughts that plague my mind?
You're not as good as your brothers.
I try to shake the words from my head and swallow my shame. I know I'm not the fastest, fiercest, or most devoted in training, but I know ninjutsu.
"Sensei, I've studied all 18 disciplines of ninjutsu. I can effectively use my naginata both defensively and offensively, if necessary. I even studied the human anatomy to better understand-."
"Seishin-teki kyôyô." Master Splinter says simply.
"Spiritual refinement." I translate without missing a bit, "I can recite and define the other 17 disciplines as well." I have to prove to him that I am just as experienced as my brothers, that I'm not some invalid ninja.
He holds up his hand putting an end to any further defense of my impressive ninjutsu knowledge.
I know the proper forms and techniques of my weapon, but every time I look into Sensei's eyes I can see the expectation of more. I know the history of ninjutsu inside and out, what more can I possibly learn to prove I am an asset? For all the ninjutsu knowledge I gained from books, my brothers always seem to have an upper hand when we practice together. Through steady observation, I know for a fact I am more focused than Mikey; I don't let emotions control me like Raph; and even with Leo's perfectionism, I remember more intricate details of the art form than he ever will. Yet I can see their growth, their acceleration in their training. Where does that leave me?
"That won't be necessary." Sensei continues, "You have an exceptional understanding of the other disciplines, but it is your lack of skill in Spiritual refinement that worries me the most."
I shift uncomfortably in my knelt position. I try not to sigh, because I already know what's coming.
"During meditation, I noticed something of great concern. Your mind, as always, an array of luminous activity, but your spirit…." He pauses thoughtfully before continuing again, "Donatello, we talked about this before and I assumed you took heed when I told you to practice your meditation skills. I do not make a habit to pry into you or your brothers' meditative states but felt the need to during today's session. It pains me to say, but your lack of spiritual energy disturbs me. I fear you are regressing in this discipline."
"That doesn't seem possible, Sensei. I always concentrate during meditation."
"No, my son, you are always thinking during meditation. Again, I tell you meditation is not only the awareness of the mind, but also of the body and spirit."
This time I can't help but allow a small sigh to escape my lips.
"You still do not embrace the spiritual aspects of meditation. Why?"
I remain silent. I know my answer will not sit well with him. He continues his lecture at my lack of response, "You are afraid of your spiritual awareness."
"I'm not afraid." I state simply. Why would I be afraid of a fictional concept?
"Then let us meditate together." He holds his hands out to me, palms up. I stare at him, but do not make an immediate move to take my father's hands. I've had one-on-one meditation sessions with Master Splinter before; he usually walks me through breathing techniques and such, and I end up just mentally reviewing computer schematics without him being the wiser. I'm not sure why physical contact during this meditational nonsense gives me pause. The whole thing just seems-
"Ridonkulous!" I exclaim between laughs, "I mean, why would a dude ever wanna put that on their junk?"
"Will you stop calling it junk?!" Leo says. His awkwardness is quickly replaced with annoyance once the conversation started getting really interesting.
"Fine, 'privates'," I correct using air quotes, "But seriously, why would a dude blow up a condom and tie it to their juh..er…privates?" Leo and Raph stare at me like I suddenly grew a second head.
The silence breaks as Raph's loud laughter fills the kitchen.
"Have you listened to a word I've said?!" Leo continues to stare at me with wide eyes. His elbows are propped on the table as he shakes his head in his hands, "Unbelievable…."
I frown at his accusing tone, "Of course I have, bro. You said guys put condoms on before they do it…..its just that….wouldn't a chick think a dude was a little weird having a condom floating from his junk?"
"You don't blow them up, you idiot!" Raph bellows between mocking laughter.
"What Raph means to say is, people don't actually blow up condoms when they are…sexually active. What you saw last night was just humans acting irresponsibly and treating condoms like toys," Leo says in his mature, 'I'm the oldest therefore I know these things' voice.
"Oh." I reply timidly after being laughed at Raph. Big meanie. "So, if you don't tie it on….how….how do you put it…?"
"Just roll it on." Raph said like it is the most obvious thing in the world. It really irks me when he does that. Like, everybody in the entire universe knows about the mysterious world of condoms except me.
"You make it sound like you're painting a wall." Leo said unimpressed by Raph's answer.
"Well, if you don't roll it on, then you will be painting the walls, if ya know what I mean" Raph wags his eye ridges at Leo, another joke I'm obviously not in on. Aside from being adorable, being the youngest sucks.
Leo narrows his eyes at Raph with a withering glare, "Real classy, Raph."
I look back and forth between Leo and Raph, waiting for more details. They can't start talking about condoms and then jump to painting walls without filling in the blanks.
"You do know condoms block the white lightening, right?" Raph says sobering up a bit from his previous laughter.
I blink and stare at him, "White lightening?" Sounds like a 70's superhero.
"Yeah, ya know homemade yogurt, baby batter, jerk-off juice, and if you gotta real lady, facial cream. Oh, there's also-."
"OKAY! I get it, dude!" I practically shout, my voice begging him to stop before I melt in my seat from total embarrassment. The dots have been connected, I really get it now. Condoms. Condiments. Not the same thing. Not sure where the power tools come into play, but then again, I'm not sure I really want to know, "That's just sick, bro."
"No sicker than what you do in the shower every morning."
"NO I DON'T" I cry out, mortified by my brother's declaration.
"You don't what, little brother?" He says, slyly trapping me with my own words.
"I…..shut up, Raph!" I cross my arms over my plastron and sulk in my chair, I suck in my lip so it doesn't look like I'm being a baby. I know I shouldn't let Raph get to me, but, God, sometimes he's just horrible to be around. Sure, I tease him, but never like this…..
"Hey! Knock it off you two! Sensei is still in the dojo with Donnie and I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate all the noise, so shush!" Leo says to both of us even though he's looking at Raph.
"Don't shush me, you shush." Raph cops an attitude, muttering something that sounds like 'Splinter Jr.', but, for once, Leo doesn't indulge him.
"Look, Mikey, its not rocket science," Leo starts in his matter-of-fact tone, "Guys put them on before they are….sexual with a girl, so they don't get pregnant."
"Guys don't get pregnant, Leo." I mimic his tone, redeeming myself from earlier naivety. Now who's the dummy?
"What?...No, Mikey, that's not what I meant!"
"But you said—"
"Forget what I said!" Leo snaps. I lean away from him. Leo can be a little scary when his eye starts twitching like that, "Would you just pay attention?!" His hands shake in front of him like he wants to strangle me.
I remain silent, stuck between Leo's impatience and Raph's mockery.
"As I was saying, it keeps the girl from getting pregnant." Leo continues, eyeing me pointedly, "Condoms also protects against diseases." I quirk my brows curiously. "Seriously, Mikey?...Master Splinter told us all of this when we were like thirteen! How do you not know any of this?"
"I do know this stuff!….sort of….I mean, most of it…." I trail off. I really do remember the talk Master Splinter had with us when we started becoming 'young men' (Master Splinter's words, not mine), but it's not like he had any samples on exhibit for us to see. I've never been good at understanding things without pictures and examples. Words don't always stick to my brain, so I have to see how stuff works to understand them. None of my other brothers are like that….just me.
"Another example of what happens when you don't pay attention, Michelangelo."
Great, now he's using my full name, "But, Leo-"
"We wouldn't be having this conversation if you had paid attention during Master Splinter's talk. You also would have known those weren't balloons and saved yourself a lot of embarrassment, and those backflips could have been avoided too."
Now this is my fault? Leo makes a big deal out of everything, why can't he just be on my side for once?
"The little twerp spaces out even when he is paying attention." Raph says, even though no one asks for his two cents, "I swear it's like his brain's permanently set to stupid."
'Michelangelo! You must focus. Michelangelo! Pay attention. Michelangelo, you're stupid.'
The comical story of my life, right?
"Ha!" I give an exaggerated laugh, holding my side with one arm and slapping my other hand down on the table, "Good one, Raph!"
Takes more than a lecture from Leo and few low blows from Raph to bring this turtle down.
"Thanks for the sex ed. 101, bros; I totally get the whole condom thing now, " I mask my hurt with my usual charming smile as I raise my feet in the chair, moving to a squatting position, "I've got a new high score to beat on Galaxy Invaders! Later, dudes!" And with those parting words I push off with my legs, backflipping out of the chair and make a beeline for the den. Jumping over the back of the couch, I flop down on the middle cushion and fish out the game controller from between the seats.
Would you just pay attention?!
I swear it's like his brain's permanently set to stupid.
I turn on my gaming system trying not to allow the words to sink into my psyche, but from the way my chest is tightening, I realize their words have already hit a nerve.
I sigh softly to myself as the game's intro appears on the tv screen. I just need to take my mind off things and-
"Relax," Sensei quietly says as he lightly squeezes my tense hands in his paws, "We will try a different form of meditation."
"Okay," I say, briefly opening my eyes to see my Sensei in deep concentration. This is the third time he's made me meditate in the past twenty minutes. Progress to notate? None. I exhale deeply as I close my eyes again.
"I want you to imagine a place that brings you peace."
After a bit of thought I think about—
"Not your lab."
I huff with slight annoyance as I try and think of another peaceful place.
"Let me help you," Sensei says after a few more awkward moments of coming up empty on a peaceful location, "Imagine you are sitting on a mountainside. Feel the grass beneath you. Hear the soft rustle of leaves as the wind gently blows through the trees. See the beauty of nature around you."
I furrow my brows as I try to visualize the scene Master Splinter is describing. I remember reading a geography book about the Andes Mountains. It's the longest continental mountain range in the world. They are home to many wonderful creatures, like the llama and chinchilla. And the plant life at such attitudes is absolutely—
"Donatello, you are dwelling on your thoughts again," Master Splinter says with a sigh.
Correction. This is the fourth in the past twenty-five minutes he's made me meditate. I'm so desperate to get back to my lab, if I could fake a meditative state I would do it in a heartbeat.
Sensei sighs again. He must be just as frustrated as I am, "We will try once more."
"Hai, Sensei," I say reluctantly.
"Just meditate….as you usually do."
I look at him questioningly.
"You are allowed to think," he says wryly.
I exhale, relieved by Sensei's approval. No more imaginary mountains or counting my breaths; just me and my thoughts. Logic, oh, how I've missed thee! So, I close my eyes and start thinking about alternative chemical compounds that may work with the limited amount of mutagen in my lab.
"Do you see your thoughts, Donatello?"
I frown. What does he mean do I see my thoughts? Sure, I can envision the appropriate equations, but-
Oh. This is what he means….
My eyes are closed, but what I'm seeing right now would seem impossible even if my eyes were open. I am physically seeing every idea and thought racing through my mind at this very second. I watch in awe as scripts of printed data warp across the space around me like electrons and protons orbiting an atom. I tilt my head upward to see large screens emitting a purple glow as they display the latest blueprints for a new tracking device I'm working on. It's a glorious city of perpetual science and math. "Yes, Sensei, I can see them," I confirm with a slow smile, still in wonder of this place, "How is this even possible? Am I seeing my brainwaves?"
"Not exactly," He explains, "You are seeing your meditative state. It is a figurative image of your mind"
"Why haven't I seen this before?" I ask as I literally (or is it figuratively?) grab hold of a formula I've been working on for the past two weeks. I always think about my projects when I meditate, but the fact that I'm physically holding a thought in my hands is pretty amazing.
"I am with you in your meditative state, helping you see what I see with spiritual eyes," following his voice, I turn around to find Sensei walking toward me. He moves to the side to avoid a train of thought that passes between us, "One's meditative state is a very intimate terrain. I always respect you and brothers' privacy while meditating, only stepping in your spiritual space when there is need for concern."
"Like with Mikey." I state. I still don't understand why he insists on meditating with me when there is obviously something wrong with my younger brother, "He looked pretty dazed after meditation. Are you sure he's-"
"Michelangelo will be fine. Drifting, even for a short distance, can drain one's spirit, but Michelangelo is safe now and I will work with him on meditating just as I am working with you right now," Splinter says simply.
"So if this is my 'meditative state', as you call it, then I must be meditating, so I don't understand where further training is needed."
"You are indeed in your meditative state, but you are not meditating. You are still thinking. In order to truly meditate, you must acknowledge your thoughts and then let them go."
"What do you mean 'let them go'?" I ask. With his hand on my shoulder, he motions to the formula fluttering in my grasp like a caught butterfly.
"Let it go," he repeats. I hesitate. I can't just let this go! I think I might be able to condense the reactants of this formula and-
"Donatello! Let go, now!" At the urgency of my father's tone I release the formula and watch it flutter away before falling in line with my other orbiting thoughts, "Look out!" Before I can ask 'why', he pulls me roughly to his side. I watch as a swarm of word equations dive down to the spot I was standing in before abruptly zipping up and following the formula I was holding just seconds ago. "You are not use to this spiritual realm. Do as I say. You do not realize how dangerous a place your ingenious mind can be. Stay close."
I nod dumbly, unable to articulate the proper words for what I just saw. Did I almost get mowed down by my own thoughts? Mikey would swear this is was a scene straight out of the Twilight Zone. I smirk at the thought of my little brother's overactive imagination as I follow behind Master Splinter. As we leave my spiritual headspace, our surrounds start to change. The purple glow and hum of brain activity fades behind us. Wherever we are headed is much quieter with dimmer lighting.
I wrap my arms around myself trying to stave off an oncoming shiver. The quietness is unnerving.
"Where are we going?" I break the silence as my voice echoes. I look around, but can't see much. Beyond the dim omniscient lights there is nothing. There is only endless nothingness. My stomach knots together like a cluster of screws and bolts; my chest tightens like it's in a vice grip.
I stop walking.
I feel uncomfortable, but I don't know why and not knowing why scares me beyond comprehension. Something brushes against my shell and I nearly take a defensive stance until I feel the fabric of Father's robe against me. He holds me close a moment before pulling away. I look up at him releasing air from my lungs I didn't realize I was holding.
"It is alright, my son. We are here."
"Where is here?" My voice is smaller than I intend for it to sound.
"This is the center of your being. It is what connects to your mind and body."
"There's nothing here…" Looking up, I turn around in a circle trying to find any indication of what my core looks like.
"Ah, but there is," Master Splinter says leading me to a wooden coffee table with a small steel box on it. I walk pass Sensei toward the table. My hands tremble as I reach for the box, but curiosity pushes me forward. I hold the box in my hands. It has weight to it, but it's not too heavy. There's a single lock on it. It's smooth and cold to touch, yet there is a vibrating warmness that pulses every few seconds from inside of it. The vice grip in my chest has come back with vengeance and makes it hard to breathe. A soft light glows through the seams of the box as it continues to pulsate.
"What do you feel, Donatello?"
"I feel…" But I never finish my sentence. I gasp as a sensation hums through my body. My mind drifts back to Raph humiliating me in practice and I feel angry, upset, and pathetic. Thoughts of April fill my mind and overlap the first emotions. Suddenly, I feel elated, hopeful, and sick all at once. Both sets of emotions swirl together like a typhoon and sprout forth new intense feelings of hurt, rage, and….loneliness.
The box clatters loudly to the floor as it slips from my fingers.
"Donatello, it is alright. You must become aware of…." The sound of Master Splinter's voice fades as I try to process what's happening.
My skin feels prickly, a sense of vertigo traps me in its tendrils, and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know whether I want to laugh, cry, or hit something and I have no logic reason for feeling this way. This isn't a math problem and it doesn't follow the laws of physics. I don't understand any of this and I don't know how to fix it. So, I do what I always do. I think about things that make sense.
a2 + b2 will always equal c2. The Pythagorean Theorem will always have the same outcome no matter what. But this? This is unpredictable and irregular.
The metal box shakes violently on the floor. Then, out of nowhere, chains float and wrap around the box. A padlock clamps down on the chains holding them firmly in place, effectively stopping the convulsions within the box.
I don't like this place. I want to leave. Now.
I feel like I'm breaking a watery surface as I open my eyes and gasp harshly. I snatch my hands from Sensei as if his hands were burning coals. His lips are moving but there's no sound. I blink several times and shake my head to clear the lingering fogginess.
"….My son, calm yourself." His voice is comforting to my ears, even through my embarrassment. I take deep breaths to slow my racing heart.
"I'm fine," I say quickly and a little harsher than I mean to. I swallow the saliva that has pooled in mouth, hoping to also swallow down the mixture of sentiments stuck in my chest like bad indigestion. I sit up a little straighter and force my face into an unreadable expression. I hope to save a sliver of my dignity after such a disastrous meditation session.
"Self-discovery was in your reach, but anxiety took it from you. You cannot expect to grow if you do not understand yourself, and you cannot understand yourself if you do not face the root of your problem."
"I don't have a problem, Sensei. I'm fine. Really," I try my best to reassure him so this conversation will end.
"Tell me, son, what do you do when one of your inventions does not work as you designed it to work?"
I tilt my head slightly at randomness of his question, but answer it anyway, "Well I make note of possible variables that could contribute to its malfunctioning so I can make the appropriate modifications."
He hums as he rubs his hand down his beard, "So in essence you collect this data in order to fix the problem, correct?"
"In a sense, yes."
"In this same manner, you must also collect data about yourself; truly know and understand who you are. Only then will you be able to take this data and improve yourself.
This self enlightenment mumbo jumbo is really starting to frustrate me as I try to keep it together. "I improve myself everyday, Sensei. I read engineering manuals, scientific journals, and medical books, to make our lives comfortable, to keep us safe, to...to better myself."
"Donatello, there is more to self awareness than the knowledge you possess for the good of this family. The things you do, are not who you are, and do not compare to the things your soul needs and thrives for. Self awareness is developed by focusing your attention on your inner self."
"Right. So, I'll just look up some journals about—"
"This is not a skill you learn from a book" He sternly interrupts me, "When your focus is in a book, you are not paying attention to your own behavior and emotions, which is the whole purpose of meditation."
I usually remain silent through Master Splinter's lectures about meditation, but after such a horrible morning of practice and this crazy self-awareness session, my patience is nearly shot. "I mean to be disrespectful, Sensei, but these abstract theories of spirituality have no real merit. I don't need to focus on an imaginary spirit world to fight purple dragons or hack into Kraang technology here in the real world. It...it just doesn't make sense to me...it never has."
There. I finally said it. But instead of feeling better, I just feel anxious all over again. I can see the disappointment glisten in my father's eyes as he rises to his feet.
"Why do you still doubt what you have seen with your own eyes?"
"It wasn't real!" My voice elevates slightly as my hands flop heavily against my crossed legs. "It was just a neurological response to external stimuli and-"
"Donatello!" He barks at me. His walking stick slams angrily against the floor. Though his tone is like stone, it is the harrowing look in his eyes that startles me. "Your spiritual presence is deeply suppressed and unless you allow its release, it will rupture your mind and body; it will be your undoing."
"That's a bit dramatic" I mutter sarcastically to myself. I immediately regret my commentary when Master Splinter's head snaps back to look at me. His steely eyes are unnerving and force me to look down at my lap.
"You find my warning dramatic?"
"I'm sorry, Master Splinter, I didn't mean—"
"Perhaps extra meditation sessions will help you see a different perspective."
I give a disapproving grunt, "For how long?"
"Until you see the error in your logic. You are dismissed." He turns away like I am nothing more than a delinquent pupil.
I barely manage an audible 'Hai, Sensei' as I swiftly walk from the dojo.
My peripheral vision is a blur as I briskly walk to my sanctuary. My lab.
I meditated in the dojo for another hour after Donatello's retreat. Perhaps I pushed him too hard today, but it was the only way to show him, to make him understand. Though he is my most introverted child, Donatello, is also my most intellectual. He never takes anything at face value; always searching for the why's and how's of this world. What he cannot prove with his science and experiments, he dismisses as a fallacy.
However, there are some things that are beyond our understanding and stretch into the realm of impossibilities. He holds so much knowledge about the world around him, yet lacks true understanding of the simplest matters within himself.
When he was as child, Donatello was the most easily frightened aside from Michelangelo. My youngest son's fears were those of an overactive imagination, the boogie man and other child-like notions. Donatello's fears were similar to his brother's, until he learned better. At an early age, the discovery of textbooks and reliable facts quickly extinguished his imagination for outlandish tales and replaced it with knowledge and logic.
Donatello's intellect often outweigh his fears. In his mind, without prove or evidence, it does not exist, and therefore hold no threat.
However, it is good to have a healthy suspicion of the inexplicable.
During practice, I was sure I felt another presence within my son's aura. It was foreign, yet familiar. I only meditated with him to make certain it was merely an old rat's mistaken sight and nothing more serious. However, it is as I feared—another presence was there.
Foreign, yet familiar, it remained eerily still in my son's core.
My quietest son still hides behind his knowledge. He thinks he is protecting his emotions by locking them away. He does not understand my concern. Just as Donatello panicked and pulled us both from his subconscious state, I saw it. A glimpse of its cerise manifestation. The presence seemed indifferent, but it was watching; waiting for something.
Still troubled by my thoughts, I walk over to the small shelf dedicated to Tang Shen. Maybe I worry too much about my boys. Maybe the presence I felt was nothing more than a stray emotion; extra meditation will help with this.
"Yes, Leonardo." I don't have to turn around to know my eldest son is standing behind me. Nowadays, there is a more confidence in his walk, as a true leader should have. At times, it still falters as it does today.
"I just wanted to apologize for this morning. I should have handled things better with Raphael and Michelangelo before practice."
I turn around to face him. Though he avoids eye contact, I catch a glimpse of embarrassment in those self-reproaching blue eyes.
"Have you and Raphael explained the meaning of condoms to Michelangelo?" He visibly winces at the word 'condom'.
"Hai, Sensei," he says as he straightens his stance a little more, "I made sure Michelangelo understood what…they are," he pauses as his expression becomes more serious, " He never listens. I told him to pay attention more. Sometimes, it's like he doesn't understand the importance of anything unless its a comic book or a video game." My son shakes his head in a manner that is much too old for his teenage years.
"Your brother understands a lot more than you think," I say with a small smile as I place my hand on his shell and guide him toward the center of the room, "Come. We will practice your Kenjutsu techniques."
TBC
Poor Mike and Don! Next chapter's all about the 'B-team'. Thanks for reading! Please review! :)