My Favourite Broken Heart

ATTENTION – TRIGGER WARNINGS: I am going to be touching upon some sensitive health situations like depression and bulimia… so please do not read if this might be a trigger.

*I do not own SM either*

A/N: I didn't want to drag in too many characters, but someone was asking if the other girls would make an appearance, so I added a little bit about them. Added some fibre to the story too (also made it a bit longer) =P
Anyhow, onwards with the story.

Chapter 4

So… you know when things are too good? Like too quiet. Nothing is happening. And there's that feeling like you just know, somewhere deep down something is going to happen? Like the balance of the universe demands some sort of retribution for giving you some peace and quiet? Well that was exactly how I was feeling today. I just couldn't put my finger on it. What would it be? What was going to happen? What was going to explode? Was someone going to die? It was an easy feeling with all the disturbing thoughts going through my mind. Even trying to put use of all that positive psychology that I've learnt about to use, I was still feeling dread in the pit of my stomach.

I woke up with this dreaded feeling too many hours before my alarm was due to go off. And since then, I have been over thinking what this feeling could be. Maybe it was a day full of bad clients? Maybe an issue or incident will happen? It was a Wednesday, so hump day! It was supposed to be a good day. But that nagging feeling I had… I just couldn't shake it, and I felt like my thoughts were getting more tangent the more I thought about it. Some thoughts just sounded ridiculous even to my standards – and I have had some pretty whacked up thoughts!

When my alarm did finally go off, I sighed in defeat and got myself ready for work. I guess all I could do was tackle the issue as it appeared. And I'm trying not to pluralise it. Life has been actually really good these past few months since the whole issue and confrontation with Darien. It really felt like my life was back on track and everything was perfect – as close to perfect as it would be for someone like me anyway.

Mentioning that issue involving 'you-know-who'. I done the adult thing and said a quick thanks for talking to the nurses and admin staff. After the awkward day of staff apologising, I heard nothing more about the issue like it never happened in the first place. So I was very thankful for that… but I still questioned what he said and why he would go out of his way to clear the whole issue up for me? I spent a good month obsessing over it in my head. But sometimes you have to give up and literally force yourself to STOP thinking about certain things. Accept some things are outside of my control and let it be. Trust me, easier said than done… but I was over it. At least as best I could be.

In any case, I still tried to actively avoid him, more so after I thanked him. I don't know if he misunderstood my intentions, or because I waved the white flag once for the sake of sorting out the issue, but he was acting a lot more… how do I put this. Like he must have thought we were friends? He'd always smile my way and go out of his way more so than usual to be polite… it was kind of creepy. Especially because he still appeared like he wanted to say something to me. It caused awkward silences, and the fact he struggled to find the words, it make me scared. So mission aversion was a go! And being completely honest, I was in no way ready to hear anything he had to say. As far as I was concerned, everything was clear between us now. Yes we had a past history, but that was in the past, and now we just happened to work at the same place on a few days a month, and technically we were more just… like casual colleagues these days.

I hadn't even talked to anyone about how awkward it was between us, and still is. And I mean no one! I kept the interactions between Darien and me a secret to myself. Not like I was trying to hide anything… I just didn't want to even try to explain it to someone when I was already struggling to try and understand the whole situation to myself. BUT I did also take Amy's advice and reached out to my old friends. I needed to get my mind of my own issues.

It was actually pretty good to catch up with them and talk like old times. It bought back a lot of good memories from my childhood. As I said, we all met in primary school, so we had that friendship that was more of a sisterhood bond. Although they did judge and vocalised their opinions, it was always with good intentions, so it was hard to stay mad at them for too long when I felt like they had hurt my feelings. However since it had been a good few years since talking to them, there was also a lot to catch up on in their own lives. Sadly with all of our busy lives and two of them moving from Tokyo, I could only reach out via telephone conversations.

I first reached out to my friend Lita. She was the mother of the group, being the most domesticated of us all. Although she appeared as an amazon princess, tall, fierce and wild, she had the biggest, warmest heart. She was the best at home economics – sewing and cooking, and she always had your back no matter what! Last time we had spoken was actually at her wedding to Nephrite nearly two and a half years ago. He was a fancy investment brokerage in New York. At the time they had recently opened a new restaurant – which was Lita's dream. Apparently in these last few years, Lita had become a mother, and was pregnant with her second child. It sounded like things were really working out for them at the home front, and the business front with their business getting set to expand.

Next was Mina. When we were younger we were actually confused for twins. That was until high school when she started to develop wayyy before me and our facial features changed a lot. It was always her passion to be in the limelight, and straight after college she actually landed a couple of gigs. One of her most successful ones she landed was a permanent character on a daytime TV series that was hitting its 8th season – "The Presidents Secretary". It was a great drama, but very cheesy and typical storyline. Last time we spoke she managed to pick up a popular action movie role along side the famous Kunzite. Apparently after the movie wrapped up they started to date, and were now actually engaged. I was very happy for her, but it was surprising since she never expressed desires to settle down… especially when she was very promiscuous during college – the bad influence on me to be clear; if you remember me telling you about my one night adventures.

I was afraid to reach out to our last friend. We never actually got a long like I did the other girls, but deep down I new Raye would always have my back when I needed it. She was a sharp shooter, no beat around the bushes kind of girl, so when she expressed her opinions she rarely stopped to think about how the other person would feel. But I figured since I made the effort with the other girls, I can't leave Raye out. It was also at Lita's wedding when I last spoke to Raye. At that time she was engaged to Jadeite, who was a prominent real estate agent both commercial and residential. Growing up at her grandfather's temple she learnt the practise of being a priestess, along with mastering the arts of martial arts, archery and fire reading. So she decided to continue her grandfather's work when he passed. After speaking to her I learnt that her and Jadeite decided to elope overseas and were expecting their first child soon.

It was nice to know their lives hadn't changed too much. But it was a bit depressing to see them all pretty much progressing on to the next stages of their lives with wedding bells and children. Although we were all at that age, I suppose it hit a bit closer for me. My childhood was spent thinking I would meet Mr right first time round and I would be a married housewife looking after children already. Instead, I was a spinster with a career. Funny how our childhood dreams turn into our childhood horrors. I never actually contemplated a career growing up. When people would ask children what they wanted to be, I was always firm about being a housewife with lots of babies.

Another depressing thought. A spinster. Although it was my own fault really. It's not like I was actively seeking romance these past few years. The closest I got these days was encouraging Amy to finally agree to a date with Zoicite. In these past few months they have actually been on a few dates. I don't really understood why Amy was so against the idea of dating him in the first place, but they were hella cute together. But thinking about them made me more depressed. I was still happy for them all, but it didn't have to stop me from being jealous.

So why not just get back on the bandwagon Serena? Well, good question! I actually don't know why I have so much angst towards dating. I've already explained my wishes to hopefully find love one day, but the journey is potentially what halts me. I've tried my hands at a few relationships already, and they all had their pros and cons, but even those where you knew it was going to end because of irresolvable differences… it still hurt to break up. There was still that pain and sense of loss. On the flip side, there are flings, but been there and done that. I guess what I wanted was more than physical contact, but someone to trust and talk to, to share my difficulties and worries with.

Something I slowly learnt was what real relationships should actually be about. From my own experiences, friends, society and research, I had a pretty fair idea of what a loving and respecting relationship should be like. IF I had of met prince charming early on I probably would have had a marriage like my parents, where my mother followed my father's orders because he was the breadwinner looking after us all. But prince charming didn't happen for me, and I was woken from that numb dream of false ideologies. Which ultimately opened my eyes to what real relationships should be like. Two people working together as a team, sharing the ups and downs of each other's lives. That's what I wanted, someone to share life with, in every aspect. I didn't want to burden them with my depression and anxiety, but I wanted to feel safe, secure and loved. I don't think it was that hard to understand or want?

Knowing I had someone who was with me no matter what. Now I know what you're going to say, 'isn't that what family is for?' But I've actually been a pretty bad daughter. So I guess if I can't be a good daughter, how will I ever be a good girlfriend? And it's not through lack of trying either. Trust me.

My relationship with my parents was a fragile one these days. They still looked at me pitiful like I was when I first went through my dramas. Even when I graduated college and got my own place and practice, they still acted like I wasn't capable or ready. What made it worst, was they placed my younger brother on a pedestal and gave him all the encouragement NOT to be like me. Reminding him constantly not to end up like me, and were always reminding me how well Sammy turned out, and how I should be more resilient like him. To be honest, it was a little bitter there for a while. We got into a huge fight, and we haven't really talked since.

At least my brother grew a brain by college and actually apologised to me about everything. So at least I knew I always had my little brother for support. However I tried to keep my issues away from him. I think the conflict around our parents and me caused some issues for him as well, and after college he moved abroad. He was a practising lawyer, and last time we spoke he popped the question to his long-term girlfriend Mika. I haven't received a letter for their wedding yet, so I assume they are still agreeing on a date?

Anyway, back to me! I have this great habit of avoiding issues instead of dealing with them when it comes to my personal life. Especially when it involved people acting a certain way around me, or expecting less from me because of my issues. It made me really mad that they never really acknowledged my progress of getting better. Like the fact I fell into depression was this major issue that automatically made me defected for the rest of life. And that's how I feel my parents feel towards me as well.

My lack of family probably was a major factor in my desire for a partner. And my, well let's face it, jealously, of my friends getting their happy endings. Everyone seemed to have someone they could depend upon, through thick and thin. When things got bad for me, I really just wished I had someone who could hold me and stay with me during the whole process. You have no idea how much some sort of emotional support would have been a lifesaver sometimes. But I didn't want a boyfriend for that sole reason. Which might have been why I rejected dating as well. It's only natural to form some sort of bond to those who get closer to you, and I didn't want to confuse love with my ability to depend on someone for my own selfish reasons. It was a double-edged sword really, and left me in too much doubt and fear to really get out into the dating scene.

Fear and doubt were probably the two biggest things that held me back from doing a lot of things. I wished I had more courage to face a lot of the issues they caused, but I was confortable in this little bubble I had created.

I don't know how I got so far off topic… I'm stressed, and when I stress my thoughts scatter to keep me occupied with whatever is at hand to deal with. That's right, yes. That awful feeling in my stomach, and that nagging voice in the back of my head. I was on such high alert for the most part of the morning.

Still, things were running smoothly and uneventful. Come lunchtime I thought my favourite sandwich bar would burn down! Or be out of my favourite, and regular order. But alas, the owner had my usual order along with Trista's waiting there for someone to collect. I even thought on my way to work Trista might not be coming in, or she wanted to quit! But not even that! It really had me bugging what this feeling was.

My entire afternoon went along without a hitch. No unusual clients. No one rushing in or making an emergency session. It was quiet odd. My day was running along smoothly, and it appeared I was the only one with the issue. Even getting home I though perhaps the public transport had a delay or broken down… but they were running right on time – and THAT was weird in itself really. They NEVER run on schedule. By the time I got home I gave up waiting for something to happen. It was just me in this apartment, and since it was a new building only a few years old, nothing should be breaking down either.

It was almost 9 o'clock at night when I was about to have a shower before bed, and that was when my phone rung. Cue the ominous music, because late night calls rarely happened… and only happened when something happened. As soon as I heard the tone I suddenly had a lump in my throat. This was it. It had to be! And right before I wanted to end the night and get ready for bed. Timing!

I was frozen in my hallway staring back at the coffee table where I had left my phone. Taking a few deep breaths I pondered if I should answer. It was just a phone call… THAT I could avoid. I could pretend I am already asleep and deal with it tomorrow. I decided to let it ring out. If it was an actual emergency it could call again. And like clock work, it run again. I paced over to my phone to read the caller ID. It was my mother?

I'm pretty sure I just shuddered. I hadn't spoken to them for a few years now, and today of all days that I think about them, I get a phone call. Coincidence? I have no idea. It was really freaking me out. But I was unsure if I wanted to talk to her, especially so late at night. I had no idea what it would be about. Last time I checked both my parents were healthy? Probably just her trying to reach out. It happened a few months after I stopped talking to them. But her reaching out was asking me to apologise to them for their behaviour that made me feel like crap? Apparently I was not being sensitive to their feelings… go figure.

It didn't ring a second time, and it felt like I had been watching the phone to buzz again for hours. But nothing was happening. I didn't know how to feel. So I decided I'd take my shower and deal with it after. Chances are she would send a message, or try call again in an hour – if it was urgent. Otherwise if I heard nothing by 10pm, I'm going to sleep!

I know, I sound like a horrible person just ignoring my mother, but I just couldn't deal with it right now. It's such a long story, but my parents weren't exactly understanding about me during the time I needed them to, and the fact they had double standards of wanting me to apologise for hurting their feelings while they constantly hurt mine and made me feel like shit because of something I had no control over. Trust me, if I could have avoided having such severe anxiety, and stopped things from leading into depression, I would have! The bulimia was the icing on the cake for them, and what made them snap. They honestly couldn't understand and thought it was a simple mind trick to make me completely stop and start acting like a 'normal' person. It makes me so angry just thinking about it. Which leads me back to partially why I have avoided my mothers call.

Anyways, a shower would help me calm down. So that was first on my agenda for now. And like always, I could rely on the beads of water to sooth me. Between the noise and feelings, I swear I could have been transported somewhere else. Times like this I am very thankful that we have no water restrictions. I know I should be more conscious about how much water I waste, but I needed this. Nothing could replace this feeling. Unless of course I found a natural waterfall and stood under that… but I don't have time to explore and hike… or the ability to take off to discover one at the moment.

I almost forgot about my phone for a moment afterwards. But since it was my holy grail of alarms… my mind reminded me I needed to set one for tomorrow. Which also reminded me of the 'missed' called I happened to receive. And just like I predicted, there was an unread message from my mother.

Just as I unlocked my phone to read it, I received another phone call. This time it was from Amy. That wave of dread washed over me as another lump appeared in my throat. It kind of connected the dots for me. Maybe something happened to my parents? So I accepted the call.

"Hey Amy," I tried to sound as casual as possible, "odd for you to call so late?" I added, trying to sound aloof. I added a little light hearted laugh to shake of my nerves.

I could hear her breathing on the other side. She never usually breaths this heavy, "Hey Sere, umm… I don't know how to break it to you… but your father just came in through the emergency ward awhile ago and your mother wanted me to give you a call."

I was literally hitting my head against the closest wall I could find. I should have just ignored her too. "Thanks Amy." It was all I could say at the moment. That dreaded feeling explained itself now. The 'out of the blue' call from my mother. Damn it! Why can't things just be good without the need for something negative to happen? But I guess that's just the things are sometimes. And it was way outside of my control. BUT I could control hanging up and ignoring people. It was a terrible thought to have, I know. But it wouldn't change anything. And unfortunately he was taken to the hospital I had to work at. So there was a very slim chance of being ignorant and pretending this was not happening.

"Serena," I heard Amy's voice over and over, getting more concerned each time I would not answer her.

"Yeah, I'm still here. Just processing."

"You know I wouldn't have called you unless I had no choice. And as a family friend I couldn't just be rude to your parents. But your father was asking for you. And after your mother couldn't reach you she asked me to try."

"So why is he there? What happened?"

"He had a heart attack. Apparently it isn't his first."

Well, I guess he was at that age of being at risk. Not to mention the stress he always complained about at work. But why would he ask for me? It's not like heart attacks meant imminent death. Yes they can be deadly and life threatening… but if this was not his first, why ask for me now? Perhaps it was more life threatening than I wanted to believe? I looked at the clock. Visiting hours were way over. But he was in emergency, and they made exceptions for family. Plus I worked there, and I assumed Amy was the attending doctor, and she would let me in. I sighed heavily into my next words, "Suppose I have to get down there tonight?"

There was a pause from Amy, "I would assume yes. I've taken some tests and just waiting for results now."

"Okay, I'll be right there," I replied before hanging up. This was not how I imaged my evening. After a whole day of worrying and being on high alert, I just wanted to knock a pill back and wake to a shiny new day.

It was dead quite by the time I got to the hospital. I decided to use my car to get there faster. Hoping I could leave sooner. Maybe I should not have used the word dead. I was over thinking again. Clearly I was nervous. The whole situation got me high strung. Between having to see my parents, and my father wanting to see me? I had no clue what to expect. So hence, I over thought about allllll the possibilities and scenarios that might and could happen.

I knew it was too late to turn back when I was already in the hallway walking towards the reception area. And like on cue, I got the acknowledged head nod and smile as the girl behind the counter pushed the button to let me through to the emergency rooms. Guess Amy must have advised everyone. Couldn't she have spared me the extra time of trying to talk them into letting me in? Oh wells, I was already walking through and could hear Amy's voice.

"Due to the time and available night shift technicians, and the fact your husbands heart attack poses no significant harm, the results won't come back until the morning," Amy was saying in her doctor voice. When I rounded the corner I could see her standing next to my mother just outside a doorway that had "Tsukino, K." already labelled on the door plaque. No one could miss my mother's long curly grey hair, and her favourite yellow dress. Maybe they were going out before my father had his heart attack?

Anyway, remember when I said Amy had some pull? Well the fact she took this matter personally even though I'm pretty sure her shift should have ended a few hours ago, the staff around the hospital must have assumed my father was someone important to her, and thus staff were quick to get all the patient information up. Which also made me assume… well confirmed my assumption, of having him kept overnight... maybe a few nights? I still didn't understand why I was here either.

"Serena," I heard my name come from my mother's mouth. She looked awkward and unsure. But after a moment of silence, and me just staring at her, she moved towards me and gave me a hug. "How have you been?" she whispered as she pulled back from me. That motherly thing of grabbing my hands and assessing me.

Did she have a right to act all motherly after everything? I really wanted to vomit. I don't think I could forgive my parents. Especially under the circumstances like these. Way to abuse the emotions of having my father in hospital. Guess I wasn't as heartless as I thought.

"Heeeey mum," I drew out. Maybe I was being too obvious? I could see the disappointment on her face. What was she hoping for? To use this moment to pretend like things never happened? Or that I would come apologising and rushing to daddy's side? Oh boy. Maybe this was going to be a long night? But hey, at least I wasn't feeling my stomach knot like it was earlier today!

A/N: Hope you enjoyed ~ I really wanted to show every aspect of Serena's life to get a full 360 of her character and hopefully you all understand a little bit about the way she thinks/acts.
Those excited for some S/D interactions, next chapter I promise!