A/N: Hey guys, I'm finally back with another chapter. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who offered their prayers, thoughts, encouragement, and condolences during my time of loss. It means more to me than I have words to express. Special Thanks to Ravenshell for being my patient beta and to Lydja-chan for her encouragement and insight!
Chapter 25
Drifting is a piece of cake, so it doesn't take long for me to pop into Donnie's aura space. Master Splinter is right beside me trying to guide my less experienced bros. His grey spirit flickers in concentration, but he's got this. He's like a super grand master meditator after all.
I can't help but gasp as I spin in a slow circle taking in the sight around me. In the lair, D's lab is spotless, everything arranged in an OCD feng shui type vibe. But this place would be Donnie's worst nightmare.
It looks like a house of horrors in here. Don's aura of high tech computers, monitors, and panels are totally trashed and destroyed. It looks like an experiment went horribly wrong, exploding into a monstrous creation of living darkness. I shudder as thick globs of black guck drip from shattered computer monitors, clinging and pulsing through the cracks of the electronic panels.
"Sensei…Is this Donatello's aura?" At the sound of Leo's hushed voice I turn around to see Master Splinter managed to get Leo and Raph here in one piece.
"I am afraid so; its condition has worsened within hours. You must treat everything you see, hear, and feel as if it were real. Any harm to your spirit here can have grave effects on your psyche and physical body when we depart. Be watchful and careful of your surroundings as we search for your brother…."
Sensei's voice becomes distant as a purple lever draws my attention. Black slime is slowly crawling up the handle. The lever seems important….and it's shiny. Caution totally eludes me as I pull the lever down. I let out a startled 'eep' as sparks spray from it like fireworks, and a row of panels and monitors whirr to life.
"Mikey, get away from that!" Leo shouts. He pulls me protectively away from the equipment and against his side. "What did you do?"
"Didn't Sensei just say not to touch anything?!"
"He did not say not to touch anything….just to be watchful and careful which I totally am!" I counter Raph's snappy remark with my own logic, which only makes him palm his face and mutter grumpily to himself.
Master Splinter hovers close watching the broken equipment come to life. The screens that aren't broken flicker to grey static as distorted images spurt into view. The images are of all of us and they start moving...it looks like a home video that's been pieced together.
Donatello, you aren't following through with your attacks and your stance is all wrong!...It's a video of Leo giving Donnie an earful in the dojo. This can cause a serious mishap in a real fight…..In the video, Donnie has his usual unreadable expression, but when I really pay attention his body language gives away his true feels—biting his lip, drumming his fingers against his thigh, his tense posture…he's nervous, totally afraid of not doing those moves just right.
Static fills the monitor for a split second before the images blend into another scene.
My son, it concerns me that you are not grasping the concept of meditation. ….In this clip, Donnie's a lot younger, like before he had his first growth spurt…I think we were eleven. He doesn't even look at Sensei; he just keeps his eyes on the floor. I can't help but feel his disappointment, too.
"Sensei, are. ..are these Donnie's memories?" Leo whispers, studying the video.
"I believe they are, Leonardo; memories associated with deeply rooted emotions."
Jeez, you're such a sissy. You can't hang out with us until you grow a pair….Wow, we were thirteen then. Raph is poking his finger at Donnie's plastron right before he takes off yelling after Leo in the sewers. Raph and Leo were buddy-buddy back then and always left Donnie and me behind when they did their 'big bro' stuff. I watch as this younger Donnie turns away from the sewer entrance and dejected tears stream down his face before he quickly wipes them away. There are a lot more clips of Raph teasing, shoving, and/or laughing at D. I steal a glance at my red-clad brother only to see his aura-self standing there with clutched fists and lips pressed into a hard line. I watch as the red outline of his aura waves like steam in a desert heat. For a moment, I mistake Raph's aura as a bottle of rage getting ready to explode at any moment, but I don't think its anger that's pulsing from him. Before I can give it any deeper thought, my attention perks up to the sound of my voice on the screen.
"Oh, here's the really cool part! ….If you pour in the hydrogen peroxide into the container with the potassium –"
"Bruh, I'm falling asleep over here. I'm gonna take my board and hit some pipes. Catch ya later!"
This scene looks like a normal day in Donnie's lab. He went all nerdy-science-talk on me, and just like that, I ditched him that day to skateboard in the sewers. I remember that day and many days like it. I just thought Donnie preferred to nerd-out by himself, but now I see how wrong I was. A lump forms in my throat as I watch myself leave on the screen. There's a look of hurt on D's face as he puts away his chemistry set. His lonely sigh hits me hard and guilt feels like a ten-ton weight chained to my heart as I look away from the screen. It's amazing how seeing the same events through someone else's eyes can have a totally different perspective.
A high pitch screech from the monitor makes me wince as I face the screen again. This time the images look different as they twist and warp, distorting our video images into something horrid.
It brings me shame to call you 'son'….
You aren't good enough for this team. …
You're pathetic. …can't believe I'm related to you. …
You're a monster.
More subliminal messages of hate fill the screen as the black slime closes in on it. All of our voices shriek into a high speed whine as the video fast-forwards into a blur of scary exaggerated features of ourselves. Uh-oh. I think it's gonna. ..
"GET DOWN!"
I don't have time to react as Sensei pushes us down shielding our bodies from the spray of glass and black crud that explodes from the screen. Stretching from his hovered position over us, Sensei hisses as he peels a black glob from his shoulder.
"Are you alright, Sensei?" Leo asks as we all make sure there isn't any more sticky black stuff clinging to him.
"I am fine."
"Sensei, what happened? Those last few memories of me weren't true at all! I never said any of those things!"
"Yeah, and I never called him a monster….ever." Agreeing with Leo, I look up at Sensei, hurt beyond words by the horrible images we just saw.
"This presence within your brother has corrupted his memories, turning truth to lies and lies to truth."
"What is this presence you're talking about, Master Splinter? Is it making Donnie's body…mutate?" Leo asks the million dollar question.
"I do not know, but I fear they are strongly related."
For a moment we're all speechless, silently trying to process the images that have just been engraved into our minds. Maybe all of those memories weren't real, but a lot of them were and it doesn't make the guilt any less bitter. I'm not the only one feeling this way, as I look to my father and brothers and see the same gut-stabbing hurt plastered on their faces in their own unique way.
Leo's gone all serious—ninja mode serious. His aura body holds a blue tint and tosses like troubled water at his center. Even though his feelings of guiltiness and regret are on open display in this world, Leo still manages to find balance…an unmistakable anchor as our leader. He squares his shoulders with an unspoken sense of responsibility.
Raph's aura-self is the complete opposite. His spirit is a murderous red so hot it's painful to stand too close to him. There's so much anger there. There's a cocktail of other emotions I can't quite make out. He kind of reminds me of one of those cartoon thermometers that gets redder and redder as the temperature goes up until the glass finally bursts at the top. I step a little closer to Leo….just in case.
Master Splinter is the easiest to read. He doesn't try to hide his pain though it is more controlled than the rest of ours; I can see it in his seasoned grey soul. It's a worried urgency I think only fathers possess when their children are in unspeakable danger.
"Sensei, we have to find Donnie. We have to fix this. The way he sees us... I just... I had no idea we made him feel that way."
"None of us were aware, Leonardo, but we must use this new insight to our advantage in order to save your brother." The blackened walls of Donnie's spiritual chamber groan and whine like a warning for trespassing. "We must hurry, we do not have much time."
Monitors along the walls flicker with ghastly intent as we follow the long dark corridor before us. Sensei leads the way reminding us every few minutes to stay close. Mikey's aura follows close behind bumping into my spiritual space and leaving imprints of his anxiety with every touch. I tug him forward until he's walking beside me and wrap my arm around his shell. Offering him a smile and giving his shoulder a squeeze is enough to diminish the fear and imprint my own encouragement into his aura.
Looking over my shoulder, I notice Raph tagging along behind us. He's been scowling since we brought Donnie back to the lair, and hasn't spoke more than a single sentence since his outburst with Sensei. Normally I simply ignore Raph's moodiness, but now his silence is unnerving me. The red flames lapping dangerously within his aura aren't helping to ease my concern. I just hope he keeps his temper in check. Getting Donnie back is more important than Raph feeling the need to explode into a derogatory rant when we find him.
As we approach the end of the hall, an eerie light pulses into view. The corridor expands into a large cavern.
This must be the heart of this darkness, because the atmosphere is denser and darker here, at least in the spiritual sense. The walls and ground are coated in black sludge. As we step into the belly of this beast, we're careful to avoid the droplets of slime as they stretch like mucus from the ceiling. I gasp as I take a closer look. Some of the drops have hardened into spikes that hang down like venomous fangs. I nudge a lump of black sludge near my foot—hard as a rock. This swampland of darkness is hardening into a rocky terrain….that can't be good.
"Donnie!" I cry out; my heart sinks when we finally find him. The black muck surrounding this place has Donnie wrapped in its tendrils like a cocoon, as he dangles from a thick black secretion. The only thing visible is his head. Red veins pulse like a heartbeat from the black muddle that covers Donnie. His aura jerks in rhythm with each pumping motion of this dark creature. It's literally sucking the life from my brother in this spiritual plane.
I rush forward as an auric katana materializes in my hand. Forcing my spiritual energy into the blade, it slices through the cord of black mucus and Donnie drops to ground. The hands of my brothers and Sensei immediately grab at Donatello, ripping the black tar from his spiritual form. I join them. I wince in pain as the acidic heat from the darkness burns my aura. The task seems impossible as the darkness holds firm to my brother's spirit, but it just makes us rip and tear at the fiendish parasite even more.
As Master Splinter pulls away the last piece of darkness, Donnie's eyes snap open. He inhales harshly, as if robbed of precious air.
He looks bewildered as Sensei helps him sit up. "Where am I?"
"We are in your spiritual plane, Donatello," Sensei answers calmly.
"No, I mean my body, where is my body?"
"You are safe, child. Your physical body is in the lair, as well as ours. We have come to help you fight."
"No…no, you shouldn't be here….I shouldn't be in the lair…"
"You are where you belong," Sensei reassures him as he places his hand on Donnie's shoulder.
"I don't belong anywhere," Donnie mutters, shrugging away from Sensei's touch. I shudder as waves of despair empty from my brother's aura. He glances at me and my other brothers. "You should have ended me on the roof…. Saved everyone the trouble. "
"Dude, you don't mean that…." Mikey's pleading eyes search our brother for a sign of misunderstanding. However, one look at Donnie's fading aura and I come to the painful realization that he means every word.
We have to fix this…I have to fix this. I can't change the past but this moment, this moment of truth in its purest form is what matters right now.
Afraid for my brother's emotional state, I pour out my apology and remorse. "Donnie, we're sorry…. We had no idea how badly we hurt you until we saw and felt it for ourselves." He won't look at me. Crawling closer to him, I rest my hand on his leg. I almost shudder from the cold despondency radiating from his aura. "We want to make this right." I turn to Mikey and Raph for support of my declaration. Mikey offers a genuine smile and nod that warms our huddled circle like a summer day. Raph is just as unresponsive as Donnie, his fists clutched tightly on top of his thighs as he sits on his knees. I give a sidelong glare, but he's too busy staring a hole in the space in front of him. Why is he being so pig-headed now?! I look back at Donnie to see him catching a glance at Raph's self-centered behavior. His aura is fading as he retreats further into himself. Now's not the time to be a jerk, Raph….
"Sorry isn't enough. You can't make this right….No one can," Donnie whispers, wrapping his arms around himself. I peel away a piece of dark slime that starts to creep up Donnie's leg. The slime shifts into small spider-like creatures that continue to attach to his body again. Something snatches me by the waist and yanks me back with lightning speed. The grip tightens around me like a hot metal ring choking the strength from my spiritual state. Shaking away the dizziness from the violent movement, I'm shocked to be suspended in the air by a black snake-like appendage. Looking to my left and right, my heart rate quickens when I see my father and brothers gripped in a like manner. As the darkness swings us tauntingly in its grasp, I crane my neck to look down. Fear-stricken, Donnie stares up at us as he shouts at the black faceless creature to let us go.
My spirit struggles to breathe through this creature's death grip. It surrounds and penetrates my aura. My heart aches at this parasitic feeling of depression and hatred that teeters precariously over a point of no return. Even with the dark impressions of this evilness, something else disturbs me more. There is something else beneath this layer of crushing darkness…. Something quiet and gentle; loss and….hurt.
Donatello.
How did I not see this before? The way this darkness pulses with every meditative breath he takes, the way it draws to him…responds to his emotions…it is a part of him.
"Donatello, please, you must stop this. You must control your emotions!"
"But, I'm not doing this…. I'm not!" His genuine hurt is heart-breaking as the darkness around my sons and I tighten like a rope of hot tar. He does not realize what he is doing. This spiritual sickness is amplifying Donatello's emotions into something tangible and malevolent. The longer it holds me in its grasp, the more I see this presence for what it is-an unforgiving spirit.
"It is alright to be angry, my son, but you must not let it consume you," I grunt between bouts of soul-crushing pain. "Forgive the wrongdoings of your brothers and myself, not for our sake but for your own." I watch helplessly as dark matter takes the form of long black fingers that claw and grab at Donatello's legs. He stands there unfazed by the evil slithering up his limbs.
"I'm not angry! I forgive you all, I do!" His voice cracks with desperation. "I don't want to hurt any of you!" He takes several steps back as the blackness coats his legs like thick oil. The tendrils that hold my sons and me captive pull us further away from him. In vain, my son rips at the darkness on his legs only to watch it return with twice the diligence as he fights his own emotions.
Whether it is out of fear or ignorance, he is not being truthful in what is really tormenting his soul. If he continues to harden his heart, he will destroy us all in this spiritual plane. "Maybe you are not angry, but something is upsetting you. Whatever it is you must acknowledge it and let it go, or we will all perish here…. Donatello, please…it is alright." The coils of black rope loosen just enough for me to take a much needed deep breath. Fear melts away from his spirit and is quickly replaced with a kind of sorrow that eats away at the soul until there is nothing left.
The coils suddenly release us. My sons and I manage to land on our feet even in the midst of this shape-shifting terrain. We waste no time running toward our beloved Donatello. However, the darkness is faster, boasting up like a wave and whipping us backward, away from my son. My fingers graze the ground as my feet skid to a stop, finding balance on this wavering plane.
They don't know, do they? They don't know what a monster you are.I can't believe you haven't told them what you did.
The voice of this faceless creature is crafty and malicious just like the slithering movements of its body. Black tentacles twist and turn with taunting intent that keeps Donatello circling to watch his blindspots. I do not know what lies this creature speaks, but his words trigger something within my son because his counterattacks are becoming sloppy.
I take a step to aid my son, but find my feet stuck in the ground as it manipulates into thick mud. Leonardo, Raphael, and Michelangelo have met the same fate as they struggle to no avail to pry their feet from the ground.
Better yet, why don't we show them.
"No! Please, don't—"
An illusion flickers into view. It is a peculiar memory of a sewer worker. From this point of view, I watch as the man scrambles backward, unspeakable fear trembling through his body and spluttering through his words:
"Look, whatever you are, please just let me be….I…I..got a wife and little girl and another little runt on the way. Please, I just wanna get home tonight…just wanna see my—"
The man never finished his sentence as we have the unfortunate view of this poor soul being slaughtered…eaten alive. I turn away not needing to see any more of this tragic fate. Donatello's horrific deed leaves a confusing multitude of feelings swarming around the auras of his brothers—disbelief, nausea, sadness, and fear. Whether it is fear for their brother or of their brother I cannot tell.
"My fault…it's all my fault." I listen with dismay as Donatello's voice intertwines with the sinister bass of the darkness around him. The ground loosens its hold from our feet only to shape-shift into a pair of large hands that engulf Donatello's knelt and huddled body. Its large menacing fingers dig into the ground surrounding him. He has created his own caged prison of remorse, fear, and hopelessness.
With this heartbreaking insight, I realize it is not his family he needs to forgive, but himself. As ninjas I knew one day my sons would be forced to come to terms with ending another's life if for nothing more than self-preservation. But to slaughter…devour another in such a way is incomprehensible to me. How do I provide reassurance and comfort for such an animalistic act? It is absurd and disturbing to feel the aura of my son and this fiendish creature as one and the same, but I do. I sense hints of intelligence in this creature as equally as I feel the undertone of feral instincts within Donatello as he quivers within his self-imposed enclosure.
"My son…" My words are thick with remorse and pity for the state of my son's soul. I clutch my chest, all other words lost on my lips at one look at my hurting child. As I reach out to the black bars encasing my son, four solid walls rise from the ground with the quickness of a bear trap forming a box, entrapping Donatello in a cube of darkness. In mere seconds, he is hidden from me. The black box is a foot taller than me and twice as wide.
This is no ordinary box. The blackness breathes and moves coating the box like a thousand demonic leeches. "Donatello!" I find my voice again as my hands slap the surface of his prison box. The box is not as malleable as I thought. The solid concrete stings my palms with a jolt of energy, making me recoil….the energy vibrates through me like a deep pain that lacerates my soul.
Donatello….he was once structured in logic and reason, fighting so hard to bury and hide away the very emotions that are destroying him now. I snap out of my thoughts as my youngest son pulls at my arm.
"Master Splinter, his aura is fading! If we don't get him out, he'll…he'll…" I do not know how Michelangelo knows this, but his gift of aura insight is enough to make me attack the cube once more in hopes of freeing my son from his own imprisonment.
As my fist makes contact with the barrier, pain burns through my aura with a wave of shock that knocks me several feet back.
"Sensei!" Leonardo and Michelangelo rush to my side as I shake away the dizziness that clings stubbornly to my mind. I fear another shock will send my aura crashing back into my body, but I must get Donatello out somehow. With the help of my sons, I stand with shaky legs. It is then I noticed Raphael's absence. He is standing a few steps away from the cube, his aura a wild and passionate flame. Our eyes met briefly before he turns back to the cube. I am all too familiar with that look. It is a seething glare, a warning of an impending explosion of rage. I feared this would happen. He was much too quiet when they brought Donatello home, silently stewing in his own fiery temperament.
His fists tremble with barely contained fury as he takes another step toward the cube. "Raphael…." The warning in my voice is not enough to deter my hotheaded son from rearing his fist back. His aura explodes into a bright flame that consumes him.
"If he ain't coming out then I'm going in."
"Raphael, no!" My shouting is too late as his irritation and unexpressed emotions come out in a single punch that connects with the side of the cube.
The blow echoes like the sound of unbreakable metal. It sends an aftershock that nearly knocks me off my feet again. Raphael is completely unfazed as his fists continue to hammer against the surface of the cube. Neither Donatello or Raphael are managing their emotional states very well—Donatello collapsing under the inflictions of his emotional pain, while Raphael gives in to his. Neither of them are stable in this spiritual state. Black rocks tumble from the ceiling like hail as Raphael hits the wall again and again. If he continues this recklessness, I am certain we will perish here.
That coward. That jelly-shelled coward.
I grunt, punching this stupid wall again. Things get a little shaky and he hides, except instead of hiding in his lab, he's hiding in this stupid box. My aura burns like a blister ready to burst, but as I continue to slam my fists into the wall a numbness washes over me. I know this should hurt….should be tossing me back in a heap like the others, but it's not so I keep hitting the box hoping it'll crack like a walnut. The ground shakes beneath me with each blow. Chunks of the black ceiling crash to the ground creating billows of soot clouds, but I keep beating the wall.
To say that I'm peeved is an understatement. One way or another, I'm gettin' inside that box and draggin' my wretched brother out of there. My fury drives my fists against the box like a jackhammer against concrete. My spirit aches with things I'm too angry to give voice to, but they build up anyway adding gasoline to the flames of my aura. I feel the fire within me explode into a bright crimson flame. Cranking my fist back, I put my full weight behind it. A warrior's cry rips from my throat as my fist connects with the wall like an atomic bomb at ground zero.
Hurt from my brother's self-isolation rebounds from the wall jolting down to my core. That selfish prick. Before I can spit out a suitable swear, a large crack spreads from the gouge I made on the box. I bellow again as I shove my shoulder into the weakened spot. I realize too late that I slammed into it a little too hard as my entire body crashes through the black box.
Groaning, I pick myself off the ground. That really took a lot out of me. Turning around, I see the grand entrance I made is already sealed again like I didn't just spend the past five minutes smashing it in. If I were claustrophobic, I'd be freakin' the shell out right now 'cause I take five steps before I collide with the other side of the box. Crap. My aura flares up again, turning me into a turtle-flashlight bringing everything in this small space into view…including Don.
There he is, curled up face down on the floor with his arms and legs tucked beneath him. My exhaustion immediately gets shoved aside as my anger finds its spark again.
"You gutless quitter!" I don't hide the peevish tone as my voice startles Don. With owlish eyes, he stares up at me from his knees. "You coward!"
"Raph?...I—"
"Shut up." I don't need him spouting off his angst, I just need him to listen. "While you're in here hiding like a pantywaist, we're fighting that black crap out there! Get it together and stop that thing!"
"I can't control it!" I glare at his cry of defeat.
"You're not even trying! The others are getting their butts kicked because you won't fight back!"
"I can't fight this."
I stare at him completely outdone by his dumb as dirt declaration. There's this uncomfortable pressure building up in me and I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to contain it. "Get up." His confusion and fear rolls off him in annoying waves that makes me grind my teeth in frustration. "I said, GET UP!" Before he can protest, I grip him by the arm and haul him to his feet with enough force to make him stumble forward, but I shove him back.
"How are we supposed to fix whatever the shell is wrong with you if you're hiding in here, genius?" We can't do this without you.
"I told you I can't fix this!"
"That's because you were being retarded and trying to do everything yourself!" As my index finger pokes his forehead, I can feel his guilt and it takes everything within me not to slug him out of his self-pity.
He smacks my hand away. "There's nothing you could possibly do that I haven't already tried."
I roll my eyes. Again with the know-it-all attitude. "Stop being so dramatic."
"Dramatic?! Did you miss the surround sound HD of me ripping the intestines put of that sewer worker? Unless you plan to snap my neck, there's nothing you can do. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being realistic!" His voices goes from cynical to morose as he stares at me and sighs. "... I ate somebody…ate. I don't want to hurt anyone else."
I find myself sighing too as I try my best to reel in my less than pleasant thoughts. Seeing Don's lovely movie reel of what a horrible brother I am unfortunately gives me a resentful reason to choose my words carefully. He likes cold hard facts, so I give it to him straight. "I know you don't, but that thing out there does. Unless you get out there and help us, that's exactly what its going to do, kill people." He turns his head from me. He doesn't like what I'm saying but I know he's listening. "Ya know, I'd rather die fighting, than die in here doing nothing."
He doesn't say anything, doesn't even make a move to leave this dreaded room. So I make a move for him. "Come on. We're getting outta here."
As soon as I grab his arm, he comes to life trying to squirm out of my steel grip. "Stop it! Raph, please just stop!"
"No, you stop! Stop hiding behind these stupid emotions and use them to fight back!" The lava of heat at my core spreads until I can feel it just beneath my skin. I try to push the dangerous fire back into my core where it won't overtake me, but something keeps drawing it out, provoking it like a kid poking a stick in a bear's cage. Then I look at my brother and realize he's the one drawing this fire outta me, pulling at it like a lifeline. As he pulls at my aura, his aura leaves behind a painful impression. It makes me double over for a minute with swear-worthy agony. In that moment, I feel just how lost my brother is, how hurt he is….how alone he feels.
And in that instant I can't keep the fire inside from erupting like a pressured volcano.
Raph has always been the strongest of the four of us, but in this spirit world, his strength is unrelenting. My arm feels like it's caught in a pitbull's jaws as I desperately try to pull away from my brother. He's too pigheaded to understand how dangerous I am. His eyes were filled with disgust as he called me a coward. Maybe he's right….maybe I am a coward. His best line of action is to leave me to my own demise, get everyone else out of my demented aura, and jab his sai into my jugular. Then everyone would be safe. But what is my meat-headed brother doing instead?... committing suicide by dragging me out of this prison. He never tries to listen to me, to understand anything I say. He just rages on with his never-ending belittlement. Why won't he listen? I don't want to go out there, I can't go out there….. I'll put my family in danger. This monster inside me will kill everyone I care about. My father, my brothers, they'll all die if I go out there…. and April…
The energy drains from my aura at the thought of everyone I care about being slaughtered, mauled, and eaten. There'll be no one left; I'll be alone.
Raph hunches over in pain. Somehow I've already managed to hurt him, but he still doesn't let go of me. With a gaping mouth he stares at me with this strange look in his eyes. I stop struggling, afraid I have injured him somehow. Before I can ask if he's okay, his arms engulf me, nearly throwing me off balance. I gasp for air trying to breathe through his vice-like grip. The first thing I notice about this awkward embrace is that Raph is hot, literally on fire. It's a wonder his aura hasn't combusted into a cloud of spiritual dust. He doesn't seem fazed by the intense heat radiating from him, but I feel every fiery fiber of his being and it burns.
Initially, I scream trying to pull away from the fire as it penetrates my aura. My guilt, fear, and self-hatred are forgotten in this moment and all I feel is this intense anger and it hurts worse than any emotion I've ever felt in my life. When the burning stops, I think it's over; just another one of Raph's hot-headed explosions translating into this spiritual underworld, but I was wrong.
The furnace of rage gives way to a soul-piercing likeness that carries just as much intensity as the fire, if not more. I can't really wrap my mind around this new sensation. Beneath my brother's anger and frustration are emotions that put my senses into overdrive, hacking into my aura like a fiery virus….not unbearably scorching like before but hot enough to be uncomfortable, like wearing a leather jacket in the middle of summer. The thick and humid feeling makes me feel like I'm drowning, suffocating as I'm forcefully submerged in his grip. I can't break free of it. This feeling is so strong its very fibers are like titanium-laced threads. Even with these dangerous sensations of sudden asphyxiation, I'm not afraid. It's an intense yet comforting sensitivity, like being wrapped in a blanket and a brillo pad at the same time.
I expected to find disgust and resentment of me in Raph's aura, but instead his spirit speaks abstractly of his strength and his painfully stubborn and protective nature. I don't understand how his aura can feel so warm yet overwhelmingly painful all at once, but somehow I know he hasn't given up on me.
"Stop acting like a wuss, because my cocky, know it all little brother ain't a wuss." His husky voice is barely above a whisper as he mutters into my curve of my neck.
His words hold an unmistakable sentiment that renews a sense of self-worth within me that I thought to be long gone since my mutation began.
Our auric connection is drastically cut off when Raph pushes me away. Feeling like a plug pulled from a socket, I blink questioningly at him not sure what to think of that aura connection. Apparently, neither does Raph as he purposely looks away. There's an awkward silence between us.
Before either us can think of anything to break the silence, the four walls of this prison-like box begin to fade until there is nothing separating us from the rest of our family.
"Donnie! You're okay!" I wince as my little brother collides into me causing our auras to mesh together like a vibrating symphony of purple and orange. His emotions are vivid and raw. It's a little painful how much my little brother believes in me, but not nearly as painful as the volatile emotions that just exploded from Raph. Speaking of Raph, he almost instantly falls into his comfort of aloofness as he discreetly steps away from me.
"Master Splinter already told us you were sick, Donnie. I….I know you think we don't care, but we do. All of us do. Please, let us help." Leo steps forward, his ocean blue aura anchored by something so dedicated, I know he won't take no for an answer.
"We'll figure out the deets together, D," Mikey chimes in with a boost of encouragement as he finally lets go of my waist.
"Your brothers and I are ready to fight with you, Donatello. Will you not fight for yourself?" Splinter asks, his grey aura calm, unmoved by the chaos around us.
They're here, ready to fight for me. I don't deserve their devotion, but I also can't deny the ingrained need for my family.
You can't win, you're not strong enough. The body-less mockery seems to come from everywhere and nowhere all at once.
"We tried this spiritual refinement before, Sensei. It didn't work," I remind my father.
"Yes we did, but this time we have strength in numbers." Sensei gestures to Mikey, Raph, and Leo before continuing. "But you must be willing to fight. Remember, the body, mind, and spirit are all connected. We cannot mend your body while your mind and spirit are wounded. If the battle is not conquered here, the physical fight for your body is already lost."
I try to take charge of my fear, but find myself jumping at the swift movements in my peripheral vision.
Sensei takes hold of my shoulders, pulling my attention away from this faceless enemy. "With enough will-power your spirit will fight what your body cannot, but you must have the will to fight, Donatello."
"I do….I want to fight." My voice cracks as I fight back the urge to cave in to the darkness that whispers words of failure around me. "I've tried everything…..how can I fight this, Sensei?"
"This thing...this creature, may indeed be a part of an external sickness, but it is you who gives it strength." Shocked and a bit hurt at the accusation, my brows furrow in confusion.
"Sensei, I promise you I've done nothing but try to stop this thing."
You are to blame for all of this. They should end your miserable existence now. You're nothing more than a pathetic nuisance, a freak, a -
Sensei grips me by the chin until I am facing him again…. Wait, when had I looked away? "Every time you believe it's lies, every time you let its malicious words burrow into your soul, you feed it. If you continue down this path it will destroy you." There's a sense of severity in his tone that I don't take lightly.
"My son, these lowly thoughts did not develop overnight. To some degree you have taken on these misperceptions of yourself over time. This is why you so easily believe the lies of this beast."
I can't bring myself to look at my family. My father's words pierce something at my core that I'm not ready to face, leaving my aura raw. It scares me to know this darkness is emulating my subjective thoughts, but it terrifies me even more to be emotionally exposed like this in front of my family.
I've always been able to convince myself that my emotions weren't important, that they didn't matter. I buried mine, denying myself access yet leaving myself fully vulnerable to this monster inside me. I look at my family and see a commitment in their eyes that I don't deserve, and I know I owe it to them to fight.
With a nod, I make up my mind and steady my gaze to my father. "I won't feed this beast anymore."
I offer a proud grin to my second youngest as his aura swirls with a readiness for warfare.
"You must regain control of your spirit and mind. I will teach you a healing meditation; it will help contain this sickness. Leonardo, you and your brothers hold off the creature while I help your brother." With a slight nod, my eldest directs his brothers to take their positions. I have a feeling this evil will not submit without a fight. I turn my attention back to Donatello as he awaits my instruction. "Repeat after me and do as I do." Positioning my hands, I begin the mantra:
"Rin, Pyo, Toh, Sha, Kai, Jin, Retsu, Zai, Zen…again…." My hands glide with ease into each position. His movements are slow and uncertain at first, but soon Donatello is performing the healing hands in tandem with me. The ground shakes beneath us. "Do not stop," I encourage him when his words falter. It angers me that this thing is able to strikes so much fear in him, but I channel my fury into reassurance, calmness, and protection for my son. Donatello's purple aura becomes stronger, more solid as his voice carries a more confident tone.
"Yo, Leo! Incoming tentacle!" My ear twitches at the sounds of my youngest, but I dare not turn around lest I lose focus. Donatello is my first priority. I have faith his brothers will hold back the darkness long enough for me to help Donatello bind it.
"Focus your energy," I direct him when I noticed the edges of his aura sharpen with a white glow. "Find the sickness." His brows crease into a frown of concentration. He grunts in unison with the creature as it screeches in agony.
YOU WILL NOT WIN! I WILL CONSUME YOU AND KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!
"Do not back down!" I insist, urging him to continue.
"….Pyo, Toh, Sha…" His battle is not easy, but he shoulders through repeating the ancient words of healing.
"I think it's working, Sensei. " I chance look to my left to see a triumphant smile on Leonardo's face. The black sludge is retreating, unable to slither and spawn without Donatello's consent.
"Now, Donatello. Bind it now." I don't have to tell him how. He follows his spiritual intuition.
"Retsu, Zai, Zen!" His aura glows with a powerful brightness as the darkness takes the form of single blob of filth shrinking away from us. A steel wall rises from the ground like a katana blade, wedging itself into the ceiling. The wails of the creature stop abruptly. The wall is the only thing separating the fiendish being from my son.
"Well done, Donatello." I congratulate him as I rest my hand at the cuff of his shell.
"I couldn't have done it without you….all of you."
"Woo-hoo! Victory party in the real world, dudes!"
"It is not wise to celebrate too soon, Michelangelo. This is a temporary fix to a complex problem." Contemplating the current situation, I fear we are not out of the woods yet. Donatello adverts his eyes in silence. Yes, he has much to explain, but not now. My sons' auras flicker with exhaustion and I doubt my aura is in any better shape. We need rest.
"We must return to the physical world. Such exertion in the spirit world can be stressful on the body."
"You're leaving?" There's a hint of panic in Donatello's soft voice. For a moment it reminds me of a much younger version of my son, who once clung to me when he was afraid to sleep in his room by himself. "The material seems sturdy," he decides after giving the wall a firm rapping with his knuckles. His intellectual wheels turn with curiosity and a need for answers. "Precisely how long will this wall last?" It is a relief to see Donatello more like himself, even if he is using his intellect to hide his fear.
"It will last for as long as it needs to." He sighs. It is not the measurable answer he wants to hear, but it will have to do for now. "We will discuss everything soon, my son. For now, continue the healing meditation; let it soothe your spirit and calm your mind. We will be with you when you wake."
He nods, giving the wall another once-over. The vivid aura of my youngest engulfs Donatello in yet another hug.
"Don't worry, D. I'll make sure that my awesome face is the first thing you see when you wake up."
"We want him to wake up, not go into a coma." Michelangelo pulls a sour face at Raphael's comment. It is enough to bring a small smile to Donatello's face.
With a final reassurance, the four of us leave Donatello's aura to reunite in the corporeal world.
I am the first to come to myself, wincing as the stiffness of my limbs speaks volumes of my age. An orchestra of groans lets me know my sons have also returned to their bodies. Bleary eyes stare expectantly at Donatello who is still prone and unconscious on the medbay. His breaths are more even, his color a more natural green, and a touch of his brow reveals the warmth of life within him.
"Rin, Pyo, Toh…" he breathes out a meditation before shifting on the bed and falling into a deeper sleep.
"Your brother will be fine, but he must rest, as should the rest of you."
Raphael does not argue, but immediately dashes from the room. I have a feeling something happened between Raphael and his brother right before they were freed from the black box. I am much too tired to question my temperamental son at the moment and decide to let him be for now.
"But Master Splinter, I want to be here when he wakes up." Michelangelo whines around a wide yawn.
"No buts. You heard what Sensei said." Leonardo helps his heavy-eyed brother to stand as he also tries to fight the exhaustion taking its toll on own body.
"That goes for you as well, Leonardo."
"But Sensei, I—"
"No buts," I interject using his same words to enforce my point. "Both of you, go to bed." Leonardo attempts to persuade me otherwise, but a vibration stirs in his belt strap. Upon looking at the small screen of his phone, Leonardo's features soften. "It's April. She's been calling for the past few hours. I should probably call her back. She must be worried sick. She doesn't know we found Donatello."
"Very well. After you tell April that Donatello is home, you are to go straight to bed. I will let you know when Donatello wakes."
"Hai, Sensei."
The faint sound of Leonardo's voice waifs from the hall as he walks Michelangelo to his room.
Finding a comfortable desk chair, I move it to Donatello's bedside. Tucking a sheet over his body, I gently take his mutated hand into mine as I sit down. Hopefully Donatello will be able to offer answers and explanations when he awakens.
TBC...
A/N: Thanks for reading, please leave a review! By the way, I can't believe as of November 23rd, I've been writing this story for over a year! Thank you guys for sticking with this story for so long. It's been a blast writing and I still have quite a few surprises up my sleeve. ;) Here's a sneak peak of the next chapter:
"I should have stopped him,"
"I have this feeling…."
Knowing how much he suffered gives me the strength to push through my own queasiness and do what needs to be done to protect my brother.
Sorry I don't have very 'exciting' previews this time around, but I didn't want to give away too much of the next chapter ;)
Until next time,
Poetique