A/N: Big thanks to Ravenshell for beta'ing this chapter and to Lydjachan for her feedback and being an awesome sounding board when I needed it!

Chapter 38

Journal Entry 1:

I should have never gone to tunnel 49. Raph and I should have come straight home; Sensei warned me it was dangerous to go back to the tunnel. I should have listened.

It's been two days since I blacked out. I don't remember much. According to Sensei, by the time he and my other brothers found Raph and me, I was in the throes of a seizure. When I finally woke up, I was in my bed back at the lair. I was certain Sensei had a session of hashi waiting for me, but much to my surprise, he didn't.

Master Splinter told Mr. O'Neil about the seizure, but nothing more. Mr. O'Neil questioned me, what I was doing, how I felt before the seizure. I kept my responses short and to the point, telling just enough for him to assume it was a side effect from the treatments and my tight-lipped responses were early stages of depression. I let him falsely diagnose me to ensure their protection. Although nowadays, I'm not sure if I'm protecting Mr. O'Neil and April, or myself.

Mr. O'Neil suggested writing my thoughts... correction, he suggested writing my feelings in a notebook as a way to help me cope. He still doesn't know what I did in the tunnels. Neither does April. They think I'm suffering from depression, which is only half of the truth. Master Splinter concurred with Mr. O'Neil about keeping a notebook, although I gather his reasons for it are for deeper concerns that are only known amongst my father and brothers.

Everything is pretty blurry from the day Raph and I went into the sewers, but there is one thing I do remember right before I blacked out. The voice. The dark voice in my mind that tormented me for months as my second mutation started to manifest. When I woke up, I thought I had imagined it until Sensei told me the mental wall in my mind was severely compromised. My head doesn't hurt anymore, but now I feel its presence.

Right before I fall asleep and just as I'm waking up, it whispers to me. I never hear it during the day, only when I'm on the cusp of consciousness before bed. I try to grasp its words to understand its motive, but I only receive dark impressions that soak into my conscience like a sickness.

I haven't talked to Raph yet. I'm pretty sure he received an earful from Master Splinter and Leo for taking me out of the lair. I want to apologize to him. Mikey said Raph had a nasty cut on his arm from where I scratched him. I didn't mean to, I don't even remember doing it and that scares me.

Sensei made Raph perform hashi as punishment so I assume the wound wasn't life-threatening. He's probably really ticked off at me about getting him in trouble. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. It just seemed like the most reasonable thing to do. I had an illogical notion something was still in the tunnel. Logically it made sense to go to the tunnel and disprove my absurd emotions. I didn't expect the visit to have the opposite effect, reinforcing my irrational fears. I think Sensei didn't punish me because he knew my sinister forebodings were punishment enough.

Journal Entry 2:
I heard the whisperings again tonight. I managed to make out one word of its taunting:

Kill.

I'm not sure if it's referring to my past sin or commanding me to commit a new one. Either way it was enough to chase away any hopes of sleep tonight. I'm at the kitchen table now. Typing. The lair is pretty drafty, at least, to me it is. I've been wearing an oversize hockey team hoodie that Casey brought for me. Go Vikings.

Sarcasm aside, I have to admit the generous gesture was unexpected given our 'frenemies' track record, but it wasn't unappreciated. He usually stops by to hang out with Raph, but occasionally he chats with me about auto mechanics. Our conversations are, dare I say, pleasant? ...that is, until he starts making suggestions on how to use my new unwanted mutant abilities. At that point, I gladly turn him over to Raph. I don't want these mutations at all, much less use them like some homicidal clawed maniac out of one of Mikey's comic books.

Speaking of my brother, Raph just walked into the kitchen. He's not wearing bandages on his arm anymore. From where I'm sitting, the wound has healed completely, but it left a pretty impressive scar. He wants me to stop typing.

Afhjckvmv lklsfjavm mmmmmmm

I should go before he tries to close my laptop on my fingers again.

Journal Entry 2 (post-Raph):
So that was weird.

I tried to apologize to Raph for his arm and the whole tunnel incident, but he told me to 'shut it' in his typical gruff manner. He said it wasn't my fault and gave me a jazz mixtape. He doesn't think I'll be leaving the lair any time soon. I think he's right. Then he pulled a purple pom-pom beanie over my head. I think he made it during his hashi sessions. He pats my head before leaving the kitchen and just like that, everything's good between us. I have a meditation session with Sensei this week. I should probably try to get some sleep. Maybe the jazz will drown out the whispers.

Journal Entry 3:
Sensei and I ventured to my spiritual plane during meditation today. Black ooze is seeping through the cracks of the mental wall. How long will it contain the darkness? Sensei doesn't know but warns me to be more vigilant in my personal meditation.

Journal Entry 4:
Mr. O'Neil stopped by to drop off more treatment. My blood work shows a decrease in loose radiation which means the treatments are working and actually flushing the radiation out of my system. However, there are still excessive amounts of mutagen radiation attached to my cells. The bonds are strong, but severely unstable. Mr. O'Neil suggested increasing my dosage. I agreed, much to Master Splinter's dismay. I don't have many options left, so a stronger dosage is a reasonable solution. I'm anticipating the side effects to increase considerably, but I'll manage. I'll take the extra discomfort if it means my family and friends are safe.

Journal Entry 5:

As preddicted, increas treatments cos side effects to worsen. Sick most of day. Want too sleep but hirts everythiig hirts.

Journal Entry 6:

Today the pain is a little more…. bearable. Either that or my body has just grown accustomed to feeling like my muscles are on fire and my bones are full of thorns. I still feel like my head is being pounded by a meat tenderizer and my stomach's spinning at 700 revolutions in a centrifuge. I really underestimated the discomforts of upping my dosages.

My morning treatment leaves me with nausea, vertigo, and body cramps that last for hours. By the time the effects ease off it's time for my next treatment.

The only thing I've managed to keep down is the bitter tea that Sensei makes me drink. I hate tea. I hate my body for revolting against me. I hate my brain for feeling like mush. But I love my family.

Journal Entry 7:

I yelled at April today.

It was impossible to hide my tears as spasms shot through the nerve-endings of my spine. No massage or warm compress could reach beyond my shell, so I was forced to suffer through it. She wasn't supposed to see me like this, sniveling and trembling in agony. I didn't mean to be so nasty to her. Between the pain and the embarrassment, pleasantries were far from my vocabulary. My tantrum didn't deter her though. April just wrapped me in a blanket and guided my head to her lap. Her fingers were warm and soothing over my head. I apologized; I felt like a heel. She said she wasn't going anywhere no matter how cantankerous I acted. She kept her promise. When I woke up, she was still there.

Journal Entry 8:

The voice spoke to me today during meditation. It said it was only a matter of time before it was able to break through the mental wall. It knows how sick I've been… how tired I am.

I don't meditate by myself anymore.

Journal Entry 9:

I'm trying to open up more with my family about how I've been feeling. Sometimes I tell the truth, other times I tell them I feel better. Today I told them I felt better.

Journal Entry 10:

Sensei is worried. I can tell by the way his ears tilt during one of my coughing fits. He doesn't let me train with the guys anymore, afraid I will overexert myself. I finally told him about the voice behind the wall. Instead of once, we now meditate three times a day.

Journal Entry 11:

It's almost Thanksgiving, but I don't feel the cozy holiday happiness that generally comes at this time of year. I've been secretly analyzing my blood samples since the start of my treatments. There's been little progress in my cell stability. In fact, my double-mutated cells are slowly breaking down the molecular structure of the treatments, rendering them ineffective. My body's built an immunity to the medicine that was supposed to protect my family and friends. I think Mr. O'Neil knows the treatments aren't working too, but he's still hopeful, taking more mutagen from my lab to make more treatments.

I think my family knows something is wrong, but they're trying to be optimistic to keep my spirits up, especially Mikey. Lately, he's been sticking by my side more than usual. I mean figuratively and literally…. he was eating bacon and maple syrup pizza yesterday and got the sticky mess all over my arm.

He's also been bugging Casey, April, and Mr. O'Neil to celebrate Thanksgiving in the lair with us. I keep telling Mikey that they have their human family and friends to spend time with. We give our friends enough drama throughout the year. They should at least be able to enjoy the holidays in peace.

Journal Entry 12:

I started making videos with my webcam on my laptop, videos for my family. The treatments aren't working and since I haven't mutated anymore, I can only assume that my body is slowly breaking down. I don't know how much time I have less, so I just want to make sure things are…in place. I've been trying to make April's video, but every time I start I just end up erasing it. I'm on Take 45 now. Maybe I'll just scrap her video. I think I should tell her in person what I need to say.

Journal Entry 13:

So it's official, everyone's eating Thanksgiving dinner in the lair. I'm not really looking forward to it. I feel like everyone's going to dance around and ignore the big dark elephant in the room:

I'm not getting any better.

TBC

As always, thanks so much for all of your support, for every favorite, every follow, and every review. You guy are awesome! XD

Stay tuned for the long awaited 'Apriltello' chapter...we'll soon see which way this ship is going to sail!

See you next chapter!

Poetique