Chapter Five

Embitter

"If Steve and Evie were on the rocks, I'd know about it."

I sat on Angela's bed, painting my toenails the same bright red of Angela's shirt. Even though I was sober, I still had terrible hand-eye-coordination. I cursed underneath my breath when a glob of nail polish pooled in the crease of my nail bed.

Angela continued to apply her mascara in the mirror on her bureau. "That's what Evie told me, said she didn't want to put up with his pissy attitude anymore."

"I'd believe that, Steve sure is pissy."

Angela set down the tube of Maybelline, and turned to look at me with a smile about as disarming as a gun barrel to the head. "So, all the boys comin' over to your house, all those hormones under one roof…"

I looked up at her and narrowed my eyes, but her expression didn't waver. Of her two brothers, I had hunch she took after Tim; she was whip smart, a quality Curly hadn't inherited, and had something of an alpha female mentality, no doubt her brother—the gang leader—could relate.

"Never happened."

"So you expect me to buy that none of those guys ever—"

"Nope."

She shot me an incredulous look. "You're you, and Two-Bit and Steve never cornered you in the bathroom, never snuck you somethin' besides food under the dinner table?"

"Jesus, Angela, what kind of boys do Tim and Curly invite over here?" She raised her eyebrows at me. "No, nothin' like that. Honestly, I think Steve would rather swallow his own tongue, and both of 'em know Darry'd knock their teeth loose if they tried it."

She shrugged. "What about the ones six-feet-under?"

I stiffened. "Johnny was too shy for those kicks, and…between us…Dallas was always more keen on my mama than any girl his own age."

A melodramatic gasp escaped her, and she rushed over to the edge of the bed and plopped down next to me. She grabbed my arm and covered her mouth with her free hand. "Your mama?" I nodded. "What'd she think of that?"

"She always dug those wild and reckless types, you know. She thought my daddy was one, and once he stuck her in the house she went off lookin' for a new one…but you know, it's hard to cast that fishing line from the kitchen."

"She as pretty as you?"

I snorted and scratched the side of my head. "Prettier, and you and Curly can quit gassing me up, I ain't about to rat you out for robbin' that soc."

"We ain't gassing up shit, there's a reason I hang with you, Liz."

I smirked to myself, of course, Angela Shepard couldn't be caught dead with someone who might open her up to ridicule, the same way Tim couldn't let anyone into his posse that wasn't at least 170lbs and looming. I realized then that the Shepards were more like the socs than they were different, image was a very powerful artifice for both of them.

"If Steve shows up to this thing, Angela, I am dead, blue and bloated dead. You can believe you won't see my face ever again, 'cause he'll go runnin' back to my house to tell my big brothers."

She waved me off. "Sheesh, girl, don't you think I know that." Then she cackled. "You should'a seen it, Curly all but threatened to pitch me off the roof of the house if I went blabbin' to Ponyboy about the two of you. He's scared of 'em, you better believe it."

"Yeah, Darry don't exactly put people at ease."

"From what I've seen, it's the pretty one he needs to worry about. Boy can that Soda pop like a firecracker."

I screwed the cap back onto the nail polish bottle once I finished my left foot, setting my feet down on the carpet and stretching my toes as far as my joints would allow me. "So, you dig? Flyin' under the radar and all?"

Angela shot me a dazzling smile, before walking over to her closet. "I dig just fine, baby."

I couldn't decide whether to be offended or relieved when Curly ditched us the second we got down to the Ribbon. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't too cut up about losing him, but the nature of the drift made me self-conscious. It wasn't news to me that Curly was a hit-it-then-quit-it type of guy, but I couldn't help wondering if I had done something wrong. I found myself wishing he was strung out on me enough that I'd have the chance to kick him to the curb. Maybe I would get that chance, he didn't seem able to keep his hands to himself when a pair of tits came into his vision. Maybe he cut out so quickly because he really was terrified that my brothers were lurking around somewhere.

Either way Evie and Angela aimed to play the field, which is how I wound up in a skirt short by Angela Shepard's standards.

Angela elbowed me as we headed toward the drag races. "You ever been on a pick-up operation?"

"Had Rapunzel ever walked on grass before?"

She looped her right arm through mine. "Aw, she's a babe. Don't worry, 'Lil Lizzy, I've been refining my technique for years."

"Oh yeah, technique, all she ever does is bat those big baby blues." Evie laughed when Angela lightly smacked her shoulder, then looped her arm with Angela's.

We must be a sight, I thought, Evie and I escorting the Princess Shepard down to that makeshift race track. I guessed Angela liked us around, we were pretty enough to frame her, but not enough to outshine her. She wore her dark hair long and lightly curled down her back. The red of her shirt set off her olive skin like a picture frame. No wonder the hoods in Tim's outfit couldn't keep it together around her, the doll she was.

Evie and Angela told me the best thing to do was advertise down and back along the strip. I held a cigarette in my hand and let my arm drop out of Angela's grip. The Ribbon was always pretty crowded any day during the summer. On our little stroll, we received quite the number of vocal affirmations, which was largely due to Angela's status.

We walked down and back a couple of times, but no one to Angela's liking took the bait. After a while, we settled for leaning against the post in front of a bar. Evie had tried to charm her way past the bouncer, but the guy didn't seem in the mood to deal with anyone underage.

I liked these digs better anyway, it gave me a chance to watch the crowd instead of the other way around. People lined along the road, and jeered and screamed at the souped up cars that raced past. I never had dared to get into the passenger seat of one of them, and I knew I'd be too chicken even on my deathbed to do it. Soda was quite the drag racer, his reckless nature and all, it never was for Darry, who thought adrenaline ventures like that were nothing compared to football and skiing. Ponyboy knew, same as me, that to participate would mean death by older siblings, so we both watched on from the sidelines whenever we visited.

I took notice of the luminosity of her blonde hair, before I actually registered who she was. She had let it grow out since I saw her last, and she still dressed more like a lady than any other greasy girl I knew. Her blue dress was a modest length, and she hardly paid any attention to the guys nudging closer next to her. I had a right mind to march over, and throw her in front of the moving vehicles by the ponytail, but she spotted me before I got the chance to make a decision.

I saw the hesitance flash across her face, whether or not to come over to me, or instead just give me one, curt, nod. She was always braver than I gave her credit for. She started toward us, and I took a long drag from my cigarette to try and level out so that I wouldn't blow a gasket.

She shot me that smile I knew Soda fell in love with her for, the kind that could warm anybody up inside. Well I wasn't just anybody. "I never thought I'd see you here." She looked me up and down, taking in my change the same way Two-Bit had when I first got back.

"Well, I've been gone longer than you have. I'm a little surprised, thought you'd be back here after nine months." Her smile tightened, and then broadened in her attempt to mask her hurt at my sharp words. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Angela giggle.

"How's it goin', Evie?" Sandy asked her next, but Evie didn't answer, she looked to me, and so did Angela. I felt a rush of power then, at the idea that these tough chicks were looking for my go ahead, to embrace Sandy or claw her eyes out, which gratified me and perplexed me at the same time.

I took another drag on my cigarette, and blew the smoke in Sandy's direction. She wasn't close enough for any of it to make contact, which only served to annoy me. In fact, the whole thing annoyed me, because I knew, looking at her then, that I wouldn't be able to stay mad at her forever. The moment we met eyes I felt a sort of gravitational lurch, remembering all the years we'd been best friends, all the sleepovers and shopping trips we'd taken together. I knew Sandy, the sweet and mild mannered girl who I napped next to in kindergarten. She meant well, I knew she did, I knew if I gave her the chance she'd only tell me how sorry she was I got sent away after the accident. But I was with Angela, and one of the few phone calls I ever got from Darry he made to tell me how she'd ripped Soda apart. My anger wouldn't allow any rational or kind thought into the forefront of my brain.

"Why are you even here? You miss bein' pregnant? You lookin' for another desperate JD to knock you up?" Evie and Angela giggled some more, a group of greasers standing a couple feet away let out a few low whistles.

Sandy wrung her hands in front of her, and shifted her feet, wide-eyed and at a loss for what to do. She never did have a backbone, so bullying like this must've been an all time fear for her. Somehow I managed to keep at it without letting any shake reach my voice.

"Go on and stop embarassin' yourself, you should've stayed in Florida, mommy. No one likes havin' to look at damaged goods."

She winced, swallowed, and worked up the courage to say. "I know things went real sour in the end, but…hell we've been tight since our dolly days, way befo—."

"Look, honey," Angela interrupted, her tone dripping cruelty. "My girl don't want you around anymore, so why don't you scram before things get nasty."

Sandy looked at me, and when I raised my eyebrows at her she turned to leave, but not before graciously adding, "I hope I'll see you around, Lizzy."

"I wouldn't count on it, skank." She walked away before I could finish my sentence, but I knew the damage had been done. I had succeeded, I had hurt her maybe a fraction as much as she had hurt my brother. It didn't feel like a victory.

Angela brushed my hair off of my shoulder and gave my cheek a playful pinch. I almost snorted, Angela Shepard was proud of me, what an achievement that was.

For all I knew, Angela had migrated with the Brumly boy she had hooked back to his car. Evie had found a similar conquest, but I could still see her in front of the race track, the guy's hand snaking around her waist. I had waved off my partner, and despite calling me a "tease", he was pretty cool about the whole thing. I didn't have it in me to entertain some guy that night, not after seeing Sandy like that.

I was walking along the store fronts, wondering whether there was some place I could get a pepsi, when a warm figure manifested behind me. A chill ran down my spine until the person said, "You lookin' for a tussle, grease?"

Steve erupted into laughter when I whirled around to smack Two-Bit on the arm as hard as I could muster. After a few seconds of my stinging onslaught, he grabbed both of my wrists and joined in on Steve's laughter.

I scoffed. "Golly, don't the two of you ever get sick of yourselves?"

Steve scoffed right back at me. "Not in the slightest." He gave me a once over and grinned at Two-Bit. "I should've believed you when you told me she was into these clown getups nowadays."

"Well, your pretty little ex-girlfriend is wanderin' around here in one of these clown getups too. That why you're here, to grovel?"

He rolled his eyes, and Two-Bit piped up for him. "Actually, I recruited him, for the Curtis Guardian brigade, to make sure you don't tarnish the good name."

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Oh, yeah? Why don't you quit wastin' your time, big guy, the beer's that way." I gestured toward the bar we'd tried to get into earlier, in an effort to make a break for it, hoping the two of them were distracted, but Two-Bit slung an arm around my shoulders before I could take a step in the opposite direction.

"We ain't gonna leave a babe in arms like you alone out here, and 'sides, you came here with Stevie's lady, go on and point her out to us."

"Why?"

Steve took a comb out of his back pocket and smoothed his hair back into a tuff swirl, looking as cocky as ever. "So I can find whatever fucker she's with and see how well someone can pick their teeth up off the ground with broken fingers."

Two-Bit blew out a puff of air. "Jesus, Steve how are you gonna lift all those hubcaps with broken fingers?" I laughed as Two-Bit tried to dodge a swat from Steve, jerking me around with him.

"I reckon she already left, I haven't seen her for about an hour now." I lied. Steve cursed under his breath, and lit the cigarette he had tucked behind his ear. The boys kept surprising me, I had never known how gullible they were before I left. "You'll never guess who I saw earlier."

Steve shrugged at me impatiently, and Two-Bit removed his arm from my shoulders to get a better look at my face.

I scratched the side of my head. "The one and only, heartbreaker of heartbreakers…"

"Don't fuckin' tell me…"

"A cute blonde, who's supposed to be knittin' baby socks right now way, way, down south…"

Steve put his hands on his hips and looked up to the sky miserably. "What's that good for nothin'…who the hell does she think she is comin' back around here. What if Soda had seen her?"

"Beats me."

"Hope you scared her off." Two-Bit cocked his head at me.

"I don't expect to see her again all that soon. Still as fuckin' polite as ever."

Steve sneered. "Good 'Ole Sandy, always thought she was such a class-act before she went two-timin' and got herself knocked up."

Two-Bit leaned over to jab Steve in the shoulder. "Don't make no difference now, we're here, let's get our kicks in now and save all the serious stuff for Darry—" he faked coughed, "—I mean later."

Steve eyed me. "What about the kid?"

"The kid will stay on my short leash the rest of the night, since she likes screwin' with my jollies so much, she'll get to haul me back to my car when I'm too plastered to hold myself up." I rolled my eyes, like I was the one screwing up his plans.

"Or you could just leave me alone and stop actin' like such a damn killjoy."

Two-Bit gasped and clutched his chest, holding onto Steve for support. "It's happenin' Steve, I've finally done it, I've let," he gulped, eyes wide, "Darry Curtis turn me into his Lieutenant Killjoy." Steve guffawed and I crossed my arms across my chest in a huff. "Yeah, not happenin' pouty, I'd rather play it safe now than fish you out of the back of some greaser's car later."

I gripped the strap of my purse. "I'll quit poutin' soon as you get me a pepsi, I wasn't plannin' on stayin' any longer anyways."

He straightened his back, held a hand across his torso, and bowed lowly toward the ground. "As you wish, madam, but we ain't leavin' anytime soon."

I never did get my pepsi. Somehow Two-Bit charmed the bouncer into letting me past, and Steve had his fake with him, so we claimed a table while Two-Bit went to get a couple of beers. The longer I was in the boys' presence, the more aware I became of the length of my skirt, of the tight fit of my shirt, I realized I must've looked like a baby prostitute to them, so I kept my arms crossed tightly over my chest.

Two-Bit found his way back to us with four beer bottles in his grip. He set two in front of Steve, and two in front of himself, then glanced my way and snickered. I rolled my eyes back at him, starting to feel fed up with his surrogate big brother act, starting to feel really miserable in general.

"And I got this to wash it down with." He pulled a bottle of Jack out of his pocket. Steve grinned at him and tipped his beer in Two-Bit's direction.

I watched them finish their first beer, then top that off with a couple of shots of whiskey. All the while they talked about stuff that could have put me to sleep if we were in the right setting. They moved from Kathy to Evie, to football, to baseball, to the new bartender at Buck's who, apparently, had a world class rear end, to the new checkout girl at the corner store on 5th, whose rear end, apparently, needed some work. By the time they circled back around to Evie, I had a right mind to pitch myself out of the window of the bar and hijack one of the cars they were racing with.

"So which JD was it that roped her in?" Steve finally turned to me. He must not have had much to eat that day, because his eyes already had a distinct glossiness.

"Ain't my bein' here ruining your plans for revenge?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"You think any girls are gonna come over here with me hangin' around? Looks like you guys dragged your kid sister here."

Two-Bit took a swig of whiskey. "I disagree, I think havin' you here might earn us some extra brownie points, you know, how sweet we are to let our kid sister tag along."

I shot him a fake smile. "Give me your keys, or I'll tell whatever girl you pick up that you like to wear a diaper during sex."

"You go on ahead, honey, I got dirt on you that'll really stick."

So that's how I wound up walking four feet behind Steve and Two-Bit, and the two girls they met in the bar. They were our kind, with outfits similar to mine, only they could actually pull off those miniskirts. The blonde had her hair all batted up, with sharp black eyeliner and bold false eyelashes. I tugged at my hair, which hung limply over my shoulder, I could never do something that tuff with it. Two-Bit held her by the waist as they walked together. His hand snaked down to the small of her back, so I looked away before I gagged.

I took the chance to look around me, the scene hadn't changed at all. People still rooted for the cars they bet on at the track, couples mingled outside of the bars, and lurked in the shadows for more intimate moments. It was hot and loud, but more than anything, it was mundane. I recognized the faces of people I had watched graduate from high school with Darry, before Darry even. Most of them spent their days at some dead end job, and then came here after work to blow off steam. It made me feel sick to think that I would lead a future like this someday. I would spend the rest of my life living paycheck to paycheck, and drinking myself numb enough to pretend that watching a drag race every weekend was enough.

Hanging out with Angela and Evie, joking around with Two-Bit and Steve, it all felt so empty. I thought that after those horrible months I spent in Tennessee, that coming back would fill me up again. But it didn't, everything still felt far away and washed out.

I looked imploringly at Two-Bit's back. Please, please, please, I thought, I couldn't stay there any longer. My pulse throbbed in my neck, I inhaled and exhaled shallowly through my nostrils. I needed to be back at my house, to talk to Darry, to feel our scratched up hardwood floors beneath my feet, to take in something that felt real.

Steve and his chick had walked off somewhere together. Two-Bit's blonde whispered something in his ear, and he glanced toward me out of the corner of his eye. She said something else to him, which made him look up to the sky and take a deep breath. He grasped the back of her neck and kissed her roughly, I grimaced and looked down at my feet. The next thing I knew the girl was gone and Two-Bit was standing in front of me with an irritated look.

He nodded his head toward the parked cars. "C'mon, you're driving, I'll crash on y'all's couch."

I glanced behind him. "What about that chick?"

He gave me a gentle nudge in the opposite direction. "It's gettin' late, let's go."

He wasn't too plastered to hold himself up as he predicted earlier. Two-Bit held his hand just below my shoulder-blades, guiding me to where he parked his car. He kept silent the whole way there, and lit up cigarette once he had spread out in the passenger's seat.

I didn't have my permit yet, and I hadn't been driving since before my parents died. Once I sat behind the wheel, I hesitated, looking from the ignition to the clutch, then let my foot hover over the gas.

I started the car and Two-Bit cast me a wary look. "Elizabeth, do not crash my car."

I backed out of the spot too suddenly, and then had to slam on the breaks to keep from rear-ending the mustang behind us. I smiled nervously at Two-Bit, who just shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm rusty, OK. I haven't had any practice since I've been away."

"I thought you were living with some all American family, back east. What were their names, again? John and Danny?"

I chuckled. "Don and Jeanie."

"Don never take you driving?"

"No…Don never took me driving."

"They treat you alright over there?"

My hands tightened around the steering wheel. "They treat me fine."

"You know, Darry was real worried about that. Seein' how y'all had never met those cousins. Is it Jeanie who's on your mom's side?"

"Don's dad was mom's brother." I flipped on the right turn signal. "If Darry was so worried it's news to me. Hardly ever heard from any of 'em while I was away."

"Oh, you know Darry, workin' himself bloody even when he doesn't need to. He would've called if he had the time."

"And Soda and Pony?" I turned to look at him. He didn't answer. I looked back to the road in time to see the light turn to red. I eased into the breaks and cranked my window open once we were stopped. "That girl wanted to go home with you, didn't she?"

"Sure did."

"And you didn't because?"

"I had to get you home."

I sighed. "You never used to give a hoot what I did, Two-Bit."

"You never used to do anything for me to give a hoot about." He replied back evenly.

"I ain't your responsibility, so I wish you'd just give me an honest word on the subject that's not something about fishing me out of some backseat."

He kept his eyes on the road, and didn't answer me for a while, just continued taking long drags from his cigarette until it burned out, then he cranked his window down too and threw it out. It felt like forever until he spoke again. "You have any idea what it did to your big brothers when Pony skipped town after that soc died? The way you're keepin' on, with the Shepards, won't be long before you get yourself in some kind of trouble. So it ain't you I'm doin' this for, Lizzy…somethin' happened to you…they'd never recover.

"And I got my own kid sister. I figure if I can keep you out of trouble at this age, then she'll be a walk in the park when she's 15."

I pressed my lips together tightly. "It don't matter either way, 'cause either way I'm gone again come August. I'm headed back to Murfreesboro no matter what I do, so I might as well do whatever the hell I want."

"You don't want to go back?" He moved toward me when I didn't answer. "You said they treated you fine."

"They do—"

"They really treat you alright?"

"Yeah…I'm just tired."