A/N: Thanks to Ravenshell for being an awesome beta!

Chapter 60

Since Donnie's latest mutation yesterday, there's been a cloud of darkness hovering in the air of our once comforting home. Sensei is in the den with Donatello rubbing an ointment over his arms and legs to help ease the pain. I can't tell if it's helping because he still cries out in agony when we try to reposition him. Sensei says it's best not to move him anymore.

"This is so messed up," Raph laments, rubbing his hand over the top of his head. Mikey, Raph, and I all found ourselves drawn to the kitchen table. We've all been so busy caring for Donnie we never really talked about what was happening to our brother. Well, technically we've talked about it but not like this…. as Raph said: This is all just really messed up.

"I shouldn't have let this happen."

"Fearless, I hate to break this to ya but as big of a control freak as you are, this is totally outta your control."

"No, no it wasn't!" I insist as my fist hits the table hard enough to gain my two brothers' attention. "This wasn't out of any of our control. I… I knew something was wrong months ago. The physical changes, the mood swings… I ignored them." My brothers hold their heads down in shame. "But you saw everything, Mikey. You were the only one who tried to help him."

Mikey smiles forlornly. "He didn't exactly make it easy. D's a smart turtle and it's easy for him to hide himself so people don't see him."

"Yeah and despite how sneaky that genius is, you still saw right through him." Raph chimes in. "We've been slack in the big brother department in more ways than one." He gestures his hand to himself and then me. "We picked up the mantle too late in the game. We shoulda listened to you. Maybe if we had things wouldn't be as bad as they are now."

"You guys sound really lame right now." Raph and I share a puzzled look as we stare at our youngest brother. "I have the best big bros in the world and I'm not going to let anyone trash talk them, not even you. I admit that sometimes you guys do sucky things but I know when I really need you, you guys are always there. Donnie knows that too."

"How do you know? ...I mean, can you sense it?" I ask awkwardly, as the desire to know scratches at my guilt.

"Donnie's aura has changed a lot; he's the same and not the same at the same time," Mikey gestures with his hands trying not to lose us in his explanation, "but he's more like himself when we're around. He… he doesn't stay lost as long when we're around him." I swallow thickly as I recall Donnie relapsing into forgetfulness a few hours after he grew a tail. It's taking longer for him to remember us. It pains me to see him stare at us in fear and confusion as he floats in and out of consciousness from the pain. "I think we give him good vibes, or 'inner strength' as Sensei would call it."

I ponder my youngest brother's observations and wonder if our strength is enough to get Donatello through this mutation. My mind drifts back to the conversation Donnie and I had in his lab:

If… if you can't find where Splinter hid the euthanasia, then just use your katanas... It'll be quick and painless.

I never told Raph or Mikey about that conversation and don't plan to now. I immediately dismiss the thought, though it still clings to the root of my fears. It won't come to that; I won't let it.

"The way it's lookin', Don's gonna be as big as Leatherhead." Raph muses aloud.

"No matter what, he's still our brother. Whatever happens, we'll work through it together," I added as I contemplate how our lives will change after Donnie's mutation. Mikey grins with an unfiltered hope and Raph nods with a fighting determination. No one mentions the fact that Donatello may not survive his next mutation, though the thought lingers over us and leaves a cold heaviness in my stomach.

TBC...

A/N: Thanks for reading! A short update this week, but next week's update is sure to bring more angst as things are coming to a head. Thank you guys so much for all the reviews and supportive words of encouragement. To the anon reviewers, thanks for stopping by and leaving a review...I see you guys too and appreciate you as well!

See you next chapter!

Poetique