A/N: This chapter was beta'd by Ravenshell, but plot bunnies forced me to add a few things afterwards, so any grammatical errors you see are my own unbeta'd errors. Enjoy the new chapter!

Chapter 61

Breathe.

Breathe.

I just need to keep breathing. As long as I'm breathing, I'm still here. If I'm still here I can remember. Master Splinter, Leo, Raph, Mikey, and April. As long as I remember them, I'm still in control. I have to keep fighting, I can't let him win. What once felt like a parasite has now taken form in my body, no longer a thing but a him…. a part of me, an extension of myself. It's getting harder and harder to distinguish the old me from the new me but the one thing that sets us apart, that keeps me grounded in who I am, is remembering the ones I love.

The pit of the den has become my bed. I vaguely remember my brothers shuffling me here amongst the mounds of pillows and blankets. April... she was here and so was her father... or was that yesterday? It's hard to tell night from day much less how many days have passed since my tail grew. I remember April's beautiful face smiling at me through tears before I blacked out from exhaustion.

My wavering consciousness makes it difficult to tell what's real and what's not. There are moments when I feel the icy grip of my mutation piercing my mind with feral thoughts. Just when I think I'm lost to its stronghold, someone anchors me to reality.

"Hey, D, I have an awesome idea for a Turflytle comic..." The warmth of Mikey's upbeat voice melts away darkness. Exhaustion keeps my eyes shut and the sickness of my mutation keeps me immobile, but Mikey's constant movement and shifting beside me is enough to keep me company. I never question my solitude when Mikey is with me because he's always in contact with me whether it's a hand on my arm or his leg touching my side as he reads comic books or chatters about everything and nothing at all.

Leo doesn't talk much but I know he's there from the faint scent of chamomile tea and the slow, steady turn of a book page. As I wonder what he might be reading, my stomach aches with hunger and weakness. When liquid is pushed to my lips I only have strength for a few sips before I grow tired and turn away.

"...barely get him to drink anything."
"Maybe... you... give him coffee."
"Mikey... can't give..."

I drift out of wakefulness as Leo and Mikey's whispered voices start to fade.

The next time I am pulled from the chill of unconsciousness, I awaken to the sound of a low hum. A memory of being a much smaller and restless turtle tot flutters to my thoughts. I remember sneaking out of my shared room with my brothers to tinker with small appliances only to be lifted up and held by Sensei. He hummed soft and low back then as well until I stopped fighting drowsiness and finally fell asleep.

I groan as the ache in my back makes me restless. My tail swishes in agitation as pain becomes inescapable and spreads throughout my body. My talons scrape the concrete floor hoping to find a distraction from the agony.

"Be still." The command is gentle as my father's hand strokes the top of mine. "Curious hands must rest, Donatello."

My heart swells at his words. Sensei has always said this to me when I was restless as a child. He then rubs my head as he did when I was child. His nostalgic humming of lullabies and soothing touch do little to alleviate the pain but they bring me enough comfort to doze into a light slumber once again.

The confusion of pain and unconsciousness overwhelm me once more as I struggle to connect with the presence of my family. My limbs feel like lead as do my eyelids as I lay uncomfortably in the darkness in-between wakefulness and sleep. I hear and see nothing as I feel the growing anxiety of loneliness.

The pain in my back has increased one-hundred-fold as I struggle to force words from my mouth. My efforts are lost as a whimper slips past my lips instead.

"Hey, you awake?"

"Rrraph?" I'm annoyed by how slow and daft my voice sounds.

"Right here, Don," Raph answers in a tone that's half its usual gruffness.

Silence fills the space between us once again. I grit my teeth as anguish tenses my body. My back... it hurts so much. Is Raph still here?...

"Raph?" Before doubt can infiltrate my mind, something is pressed against my ear slit and my thoughts are suddenly filled with the calming sounds of jazz music. Raph. He's still here. I'm not alone.

I was grateful for the silence, but I think it might've been getting on Don's nerves. Every few minutes he calls out to me in a broken panic like I'm gonna leave 'im or something. Before he calls my name again I plug one of my earbuds in his ear. That keeps him quiet for a while until the whistling between his teeth lets me know he's finally asleep.

Don's been out of it most of the day. Splinter says we should try to keep him comfortable; he thinks Donnie's gonna mutate soon, like full-blown mutation. I hate all of this waiting; it just feels like we're giving up on him instead of tryin' to fix him. Splinter says there is nothing more to fix, that nature must take its course whatever that means.

Don slept for about an hour before he started wailing into the pillow closest to his face as another spasm grips his body. It's the worst sound in the world, worse than hearing a wounded animal begging for death. Every time he squirms in pain, the scutes of his shell shift like pieces of a puzzle. I remember Donnie giving me one of his geek anatomy lessons, saying our spines are fused to our shells. The crack at the bottom of his shell has branched out creating a web of smaller cracks across his carapace. I've had few cracks and dents on my shell, but I can only imagine how much pain Donnie's in. Just proves how much of a fighter he is.

"Raph?"

"Right here, Brainiac." I give his wrist a light squeeze when I notice his hand reaching out to me among the mounds of pillows and blankets we're sitting on. He opens his eyes for the first time in hours and stares at me through hazy eyes as he tries to focus on my face.

"Hurts."

"I know, buddy. Just hang in th-"

"No… back hurts…. something... something's wrong… Arggh!" He's got my attention as he grinds his teeth in pain. I look at his back. The main crack in his shell deepens as something underneath tries to destroy his shell from the inside out.

"Sensei! I think something's happening!" I shout as I try not to freak the heck out.

Master Splinter is there in a matter of seconds, kneeling on the other side of my brother as he places his hand over the shattered parts of Don's shell. Sensei pulls back as spasm visibly pulses against his hand, then touches Don's forehead.

"His fever has returned," Master Splinter says grimly after examining my brother. "We cannot risk putting him in water again; his shell is too damaged." That makes sense; there are things inside our shells that probably shouldn't get wet. After unwrapping the cloth from Don's side, Sensei feels around the cracks and then sticks his hand in the gaping hole of his bridge. Donnie jerks away from the touch. "The growth beneath his shell has enlarged. We need to relieve the pressure." Sensei says as he withdraws his hand from Donnie's exposed side.

"How're you gonna do that?" Master Splinter doesn't say anything just gives me this grave look, before heading to Donnie's lab. It dons on me that whatever growth is happening beneath Donnie's shell is being blocked by his shell. My eyes widen with a second realization when Master Splinter returns with an electric saw. He couldn't possibly be thinking about... "You're not gonna..." I lose my words as my eyes trail from the bladed tool in my father's hands to the shambled mess that makes up my brother's shell. "But his spine... It'll kill him!" My voice cracks as the words tumble out of my mouth and sound more accusing than I mean them to, but Sensei seems unfazed by it as he stares at Donnie's shell like an uncertain surgeon.

He finally looks at me and for a minute I see fear in the wet pools of his eyes before he hides those emotions away in a way that I can relate to all too well. "We do not have a choice. We will need to be careful. Call your brothers." It's the only response he gives as he urges me again to get Leo and Mikey when I hesitate.

We're all in the den now, surrounding Donnie. My stomach contorts like a pretzel at the thought of what Master Splinter is getting ready to do. We take our places as instructed, Mikey pinning his arms, Leo holding down his legs, and me holding his center. Pulling him up so his head rests in my lap, I wrap my arms around his torso and shell until his face is pushed against my plastron. Don isn't breathing that well. I can feel the heartbeat-like throb of his pulsing body against my firm embrace. He's growing again and his shell ain't growing with him. I try to ignore the whining breaths Don takes as the pressure in his shell rises.

"It is imperative that you keep your brother still." My face feels numb and cold. "Raphael!" The whipping sternness in my father's voice draws me back to the here and now. "Do you understand?"

I nod quickly swallowing back my fear as I grip Donnie's body tighter. I can feel Donnie's body stiffen when the electric saw buzzes to life.

"Raph?" Crap. I thought Don had passed out again. His voice wavers with confusion and fear as he attempts to catch my sight with his glossy eyes. I can't look at him or I'll lose my nerve. I harden myself, staring straight ahead as I grip his shell a little tighter.

"It's okay, big guy. I gotcha." I reassure him even though my arms are shaking. At the sound of the buzzing saw, I close my eyes and press my lips together to avoid the small shards of shell popping against my face. Donnie screams. He screams so long I think he going to choke on his own cries for mercy. I want to cover my ears but I have to keep him still. He bucks against me, but I keep an iron grip on him.

It feels like hours have passed instead of minutes before the buzzing sound finally dies. A hunk of his shell clunks to the floor. Don's body goes limp as he shakes against me and breathes in ragged breaths. I make the mistake of looking at his tear-stained face. Betrayal and accusation pour from his gaze. In that moment some secrecy of big brotherhood is broken. The duty of protection is stripped away from me like a second layer of skin as I feel raw and ashamed under Don's pitiful and blaming gaze. His eyes swell with emotion reminding me of every spiteful remark, every cruel shove and dismissive action I ever had toward my brother. Those compassionate and hurt-filled eyes break me. "Here, take him," I gruffly choke back a sob as I all but shove my wounded brother into Leo's arms and stumble to my feet into the dojo.

"Raph, wait!" I yell after my red-clad brother practically thrusts Donatello into my arms.

My attention turns back to the squirming mass in my lap. "Stop, Donnie, you're going to hurt yourself." I push his legs back down as he tries to pull himself into his shell or rather what's left of it. It's a habit he's had since we were really small. Whenever he was sick or hurt, he never cried for Sensei like the rest of us, he just pulled into his shell until Sensei was able to coax him out. The cracks down his shell deepen with each shift of his limbs

Master Splinter cleans the chips and shell debris from the floor. Donnie whimpers like a wounded animal instead of the ninja warrior I know him to be. I gently shush him rubbing my hand up and down his spasming leg. He eventually calms down and instead of trying to pull into his shell, he curves his body around me. Mikey sits beside me mimicking my long strokes along Donnie's leg. The bottom ridge of Donnie's shell is completely gone, giving his tail more flexibility as it coils around my arm catching me by surprise. I watch as Donnie breathes easier with the additional openings Master Splinter sawed into his shell. Between the cracks, there are rivers of blistered green skin threatening to fully penetrate my brother's shell. Mikey gasps beside me as both he and I see the palpitating growth of Donnie's spine push apart his already broken shell before sinking back down.

"It's like something's hatching from his shell." Mikey whispers. I know Mikey is heedless of how disturbing his words sound, but I still narrow my eyes at him anyway.

"It's okay, little brother. I'm right here." I continue to rub Donnie's leg with what I hope are soothing strokes; I stop only when his tail loosens its grip around my arm and his sobs cease into an unconscious stupor. Leaving him with Sensei and Mikey, I head to the dojo.

I'm not surprised to see Raphael angrily pacing the floor, yelling obscenities to the ceiling.

"Raph. He's okay."

"What're you, stupid, Fearless?! He's not okay… nothing about this okay!" He stops pacing to zero in on his new target—me. "We should've torn down the TCRI building lookin' for a cure! But you said no! When you should've took charge, you didn't!" He shoves me and when his fist clocks against my shoulder, I let him. I only block my face as his fists come flying at me relentlessly. Behind the rage and need to blame someone, I see Raph's fear and helplessness.

We both just witnessed our father lacerate our brother's shell as Donatello screamed bloody murder. I don't guard in time, and he nicks my jawline. He has the opportunity give me a knock-down punch, but he doesn't. Hearing a hard sniff, I look up to see tears streaming down his face. "Did you see the way he looked at me? ...I wasn't tryna hurt him, I didn't mean any of it." For some reason, I don't think he's talking about holding Donnie's shell anymore. This guilt is deeper. Raph turns away from me, his face hidden behind the crook of his arm. "Aren't you gonna …"

He chokes on his words. I know he expects me to bite his head off, to take the bait and berate him. I've learned a lot over the past few months and I know this is neither the time or place for blame. "No, Raph, I'm not."

"Well, you should be chewing me out, telling me what a horrible brother I am."

"Raphael." My voice is soft and laced with understanding empathy.

"Argh!" He turns to take another swing at me but I dodge it and tug my hurting brother into an embrace. He doesn't struggle against me but instead squeezes his arms around my neck like a lifeline. It's been years since Raph cried like this but I remain silent knowing if I say anything now he'll completely clam up. He needs this. Since he and Donnie made amends, Raph has been a strong rock for Donatello and a stubborn, unmovable force of determination to this family. Emotionally drained, Raphael loosens his grip which is my hint that the hug has ended. He rubs roughly at his eyes as he shuffles out of the dojo. From inside the dojo, I watch Raphael kneel in front of our sick brother, offering a rare show of affection as he gently places the earbuds of his Tpod in Donnie's ear slits and give him a quick kiss on head, a gesture I would have easily missed if I had blinked. And just like that, the moment was over and Raph retreated to his room quietly shutting the door behind him.

"Everything okay between you two? Raphie didn't slam his door so I was worried." Mikey peeks into the dojo. His cautious attempt at a joke goes over my head as I meet him at the door.

"Yeah, Mikey, everything's…" Horrible? ...Awful? ...going terribly wrong? "...fine." I settle for a simple lie that I don't bother to make sound convincing. Thankfully, Mikey doesn't call me out on my lie and lets the issue go as he returns to the den.

I stand near our family mantel, a shrine to our Sensei painful past and our humble beginnings. Beside the picture of Master Splinter and Tang Shen, is the small terrarium container that once housed my brother and me. I'm not really sure what has drawn me to our small family shrine; there's nothing here that I haven't already seen a thousand times before….

Frowning, I look a little closer at the turtle habitat. Beside the small palm tree is a needled syringe and small bottle. It's the euthanasia. Looking over my shoulder at the dojo entrance, I make sure no one is coming as I slip syringe and bottle into my belt pocket.

Have I been selfish this entire time? Donnie told me his wishes. He doesn't want to live like this. I've watched him suffer through his mutations; watched him struggle to remember us. This isn't what he wanted. Donatello's been fighting this for so long, for us. The least I can do is honor his last request.

At least I found the euthanasia. I wouldn't have to use my katanas. No wounds, no blood….it would look like he was asleep.

"Please... I don't want to be a mindless beast. Promise me. Leonardo, please promise me."

I blink back tears because I know it won't be long before I have to make a decision.

TBC

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always please leave a review or comment, I love hearing from you guys!

Thanks for reading. See you next chapter!

Poetique