It's been four whole months since I walked out on Christian. I still remember how his face looked that nights as I stepped into the elevator that dropped me down into my own personal hell. I left Christian because I couldn't keep up with his lifestyle. I couldn't be the obedient submissive that he needed. I let him whip me and show me just how bad it could get. Then I left. Even now, I can still feel the soft leather crack across my bare skin. The sick son-of-a-bitch actually enjoyed seeing me like that! He go off on the pain that he caused. He hurt me in more ways than one that night. He showed me that one side of him that I actually though I could change. During that moment I wasn't Ana to him. Instead, I was treated just like another one of his submissive partners. Just another piece of ass for him to take his emotional turmoil out on. I left him because I couldn't be what he wanted, what he needed.
I haven't heard anything from him in four months. Things have changed a lot in that short amount of time. Just like every other girl, I went through the typical break up phase that included eating tubs of ice cream, lying in bed for weeks, and just staring at my phone waiting for some type of text or phone call. I got nothing.
My heart hurts. This just shows how little I meant to him, which really sucks because he was the absolute world to me. He still is, I admit. I just can't let anybody know since people believe that I've moved on with Kevin.
Kevin and I met each other at one of Jose's art shows. I was there supporting my friend who happened to be friends with Kevin. Jose introduced us and we just continued to talk from there. Kevin is cute, I guess. He's just a tad taller than me and has a little bit of cushion around his middle, but is still strong. He has dark brown hair, and dark brown eyes to match. He's got a few crooked teeth, but other than that has a nice enough smile. His nose is a little too large for his face and is also a little crooked in the middle, but somehow I've learned to look past it.
I guess you could say that we've been together for a couple months now. Jose's told Kevin all about my past relationship with Christian, minus some few details, and Kevin has been there to help me through it. He was a great person to talk to. I didn't tell him everything, but either way he cheered me up. He found a way to make me laugh again and to climb out of the hole that I dug myself into.
He was great at first. We were always together and he tried his best to make me forget Christian. Of course, I never could. His perfect face was always in the back of my mind even when I was with Kevin. The first time Kevin and I had sex, well…it was alright. Nothing can compare to what Christian and I had, but at least for that moment I actually felt like I was loved for who I was.
It was great. I felt that maybe, just maybe, I could learn to forget about Christian and get on with a normal relationship. But things with Kevin changed dramatically after a few months of dating. His usual friendly and comforting personality transformed into one of anger and abuse.
It started off small at first. Whenever he found me in one of my "moods," mostly due to the memory of Christian, he would roll his eyes and tell me to suck it up. He wouldn't ask me what I wanted to do anymore, but he would make plans without asking me if I was okay with it. Sometimes he would come see me, not say anything, and just start touching me and pushing me into having sex with him. He would do this at least twice a day. Then it started getting worse. One night when I refused to have sexy with him, he hit me. It was the first time it happened. He slapped me clean across the face with his hand so hard and fast that I saw white dots flash behind my closed eyelids. He refused to take "no" for an answer.
His abuse progressively became worse. It was both physical and mental. He would make jabs at me at any chance he got. He'd say that I wasn't pretty enough for him, that I wasn't thin enough, that I was too stupid for any man to want. I could almost take that. It was the comments about Christian that hurt the worst and he knew it. Kevin would constantly say something about Christian not wanting me because my "pussy wasn't tight enough." He would ask me if Christian found another girlfriend or if he resorted to strip clubs and paying prostitutes.
His words hurt. I soon found myself in an even worse position with Kevin than I ever did with Christian. Kevin would constantly hit me. And not in the sexual way that was only okay in the bedroom, but in the way that stung and left dark marks on my pale skin. I've lost count of how many cuts and bruises I have covering my body. I can barely stomach looking at myself in the mirror. I've come to hate what I see. I'm a shell of the girl that I used to be. My hair is lifelessly hanging down my back, my eyes are dull, and my overall body is just pathetic. I've probably lost around fifteen pounds since Christian. I just don't feel like eating anymore. I can't help that I don't have someone constantly begging me to eat anymore.
So, here I stand in front of my small apartment mirror waiting for Kevin to pick me up. He told me this morning to be ready by five for dinner with Kate and Jose. I don't want to find out what he's do if I was even a minute late. The last time I was hit in the head so hard that I had a headache for a couple of days. Kate and Jose don't know anything about Kevin. As far as they're concerned he's still the perfect friend and man they've always known.
I take a long, deep breath and take a moment to smooth the foundation over my skin. I do this every time I go out so my dark marks aren't visible. Kevin makes it clear that if I forget to cover one up, then he puts another one somewhere of his choice.
After one last look in the mirror, I hear the handle of the door jiggle slightly as Kevin uses his key to get in. He doesn't announce himself anymore. He just shows up. The sound sends shivers through my body. Fear spikes through my body and I feel the tiny hairs on my arms and neck stand up at attention. I must always be prepared for whatever mood he's in. I turn away from my reflection and grab my purse from the couch and head towards the door where I run into Kevin's solid figure.