I lay on the couch just blankly staring at the TV in front of me. I'm not really sure what's on, but the noise and flashing of light is strangely comforting. I didn't get much sleep last night. Sleeping on the floor left my body in aches when I woke up. Kevin was still sleeping, so I decided to come downstairs and do something that doesn't require a lot of brain work. I start to feel my eyes slowly close. It's early on a Saturday morning. I mentally make the decision to sleep in all day. I'm just about to fall asleep when I feel the cushions on the couch dip low on one side. I startle awake and life my head to see Kevin sitting on the other end.
"Morning." Kevin says. He picks both of my feet up in one of his hands and places them in his lap. He begins to pick at the nail polish that covers my toe nails.
"Um, good morning." It sounds like a question. I'm so confused right now. Usually Kevin isn't so gentle with me. The mornings are usually his worst times, especially when I manage to wake him up.
Kevin keeps his eyes down on my feet. "You know that I don't want to hurt you, right?" His voice is so low that I almost didn't hear what he said. "I just don't want you to leave me. I love you, Ana." He breaks his trance from my feet and looks up at me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that he almost looks sad.
"Kevin," I say. His words confuse me. They always do. One moment he's pushing me up against the wall, forcing me to have sex with him, then the next he's all sweet and says kind things. "I love you, too." My words sound foreign even to myself, but it's all I can say back. I'm not going to tell him that it's okay for him to hit me, because it's not. I hate when he's mad at me. I'm scared when he hits me and I have to beg for him to stop. But when he's like this…I forget every bad thing he's ever done to me.
"Good." He says. "Now, I have to go."
"Where are you going?" I ask. He swings my legs off his lap and gets up off the couch.
"To work." He sounds annoyed. He grabs his keys from the coffee table. "I don't know when I'll be back. I expect dinner to be made." Kevin leans over the couch and kisses my cheek. He really can be sweet when he wants to. I say goodbye and watch as he walks out the front door. When he's gone, I take a deep breath and try to collect my thoughts. What did I get myself into? I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that has multiple twists and turns. Kevin is so unpredictable. I close my eyes and allow my thoughts to drift to more uplifting memories.
Christian's bright gray eyes and dark copper hair flash behind my eyelids. He still looks so beautiful even in my memory. I imagine him smiling at me with his perfectly straight, white teeth. His eyes shine with pure joy and his smile is genuine. I can't help but smile to myself. My chest aches with longing. Why did I leave him? We could have worked things out. Eventually.
I get up off the couch and head into the kitchen. I pour myself a small glass of orange juice and grab a small handful of grapes. This will be my breakfast and my lunch. I probably won't eat anything for dinner. I found out quickly that Kevin doesn't like having a pig for a girlfriend. He always makes comments about how much I eat and constantly tells me that I'm "fat."
After I eat a few grapes, I decide to go clean up my bedroom. Cleaning always keeps me busy and it makes Kevin happy. I pick dirty clothes off the floor, make the bed, and even fold all the clothes in the dresser. I'm folding an old t-shirt when a crumbles up piece of paper falls onto my lap. I unfold it and see that it's an article from a magazine. I flip it over to see what's on the other side.
My heart stops in my chest. Without thinking I grab the t-shirt and press it up to my mouth where I let out a deep, chest shaking sob. Tears immediately fill my eyes, making the photo of me and Christian all blurry. The article shows a picture of me and Christian at some kind of social even together. We're shown standing together, my hand is around Christian's waist while his is tight around mine. Our eyes are locked together, completely ignoring the photographer. I remember this night. I almost looked beautiful in my plum dress and my wavy hair hanging down my back like a waterfall. Christian looks perfect as ever in one of his dark suits that's completed with that gray tie. We looked perfect together. Almost like we were in love.
I dry my eyes with the shirt before getting off the floor and moving to the bed. I sit on the mattress and just stare at the picture for a few moments. All of the memories from the past flash through my mind all at once. Jesus, do I miss my old life. I miss the feeling of being happy.
Later on that night, after Kevin finally came back, I made dinner and we ate on the couch together.
"Why can't you cook like that all the time?" Kevin throws his dirt napkin on the plate and leans back on the couch.
"I'm glad you liked it." I'm not much of a cook and just made cheeseburgers.
"I'm going to go change." He leans over and kisses me on the cheek before heading up the stairs. I almost blush. Why can't every night be like this?
I grab the dirty dishes from the table and take them into the kitchen. As I'm washing the plates in the sink, a loud thud above makes me drop the plate on the floor. The plate shatters and sends pieces to fire off in every direction. Fuck.
"ANA!" Kevin's voice booms through the whole apartment. My body is immediately covered in a cold sweat. "What the fuck is this?" I hear his loud footsteps storm down the steps. I can practically feel the anger radiating off his skin.
Before I have the chance to find my voice he rushes into the kitchen to find me standing in the middle of the broken plate. His head snaps up and reveals his face. The veins in his neck stand out and it appears as if his eyes have gone completely black.
"What the fuck did you do now?" He marches over to where I'm frozen in place and yanks me by my hair into the living room. "What the hell is this?" He pulls my head up and I see him holding the picture of me and Christian. "Why the fuck do you have this?" He finally lets go of my hair and pushes my against the wall.
"I-I-I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from." My voice quivers.
He slaps me across the face so hard that my head slams against the wall. "Don't know where it came from?" Kevin mocks me. "You're nothing but a lying whore, Ana/" He takes the picture and makes a show of ripping it right in front of me.
I can feel the tears sting behind my eyes. "Please, Kevin," I beg with a shaking voice. "I didn't do anything wrong."
"You are a sneaky bitch, Anastasia." He says right in my face. His dark eyes burn into mine. "Don't think I don't know what you're up to. He doesn't want you anymore, Ana. Get that through your fucking head. I'm all you got now." He spits the words in my face.
"I'm sorry…" I say quietly, hoping that he doesn't hear the tears in my voice. He can't stand when I start to cry. It only make him angrier. He balls up his fist at his side and slams it into my stomach as quick as lightening. The breath is knocked out of me and I fall to the floor with his standing above me. I seal my eyes shut and wait for whatever he plans to do next. I've learned a while ago that fighting him doesn't help. No matter what I do, he always finds a way to hurt me.
"Clean up you mess in the kitchen. I don't want to see your face until it's done. And you better pray to God that I don't find anything else." His words ooze threat.
I curl up into a tight ball to brace myself, but nothing ever comes. I slowly open my eyes to find that he's not standing in front of me anymore. Relief rushes through me. Out of the corner of my eye I see the little pieces of the picture scattered out in front of me. I stretch out my arm and collect all of the little bits that I can reach.
Oh, Christian…What would you do if you saw me like this?